Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Frozen Heart ❯ Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Don't own them, `coz if I did, where would the angst come from?

Note from the author: Not a medical practitioner, so sorry if I'm making a hash of Duo's blindness.

Frozen Heart 15

"Shin-"

But Heero beat him to it. "If your computer interferes I guarantee it'll be the last thing it ever does." And he meant it. He was not going to brook interference from anyone at this point.

Duo's mouth tightened. "Let me finish, why don't you?" He shot back acidly. "Shin, disable surveillance monitors in my room until I say otherwise." He had nothing left to say to Heero, but all the same, he quailed at the thought of anyone- or anything- witnessing what might become an unpleasant scene.

"Unacceptable." The computer told him in no uncertain terms. "My mission parameters revolve around keeping you alive and functional. He has already threatened me." Who knows what he might do to you, it seemed to imply.

There was something familiar about the way the computer spoke, but Heero couldn't pin it down. Nor did he have any inclination to. However, he did acknowledge the logic behind the concern.

"Aw, worried about me? I'm touched, Shin. Really." Heero started at the sudden softening of Duo's tone as well as at the mischievous grin that suddenly flitted across his partner's face. It had been too long since he'd seen this side of Duo. However, it was gone just as quickly as Duo's expression turned somber. "If Heero had wanted me dead, Shin, I'd be dead." Duo told the computer wryly. "Besides, he did save me from Wufei." He pointed out.

"True." The computer conceded after a moment. "Your wound has been cleaned and your bandage replaced. Infection has not set in. Your adrenaline levels are up and your heart rate is beating faster than normal, but otherwise I detect nothing amiss with you physically. Yuy-sama, I will re-evaluate his condition upon surveillance reactivation. Should I find that his condition has deteriorated on account of your presence I will have you removed from the premises." With an ominous click, the computer tuned itself out.

At any other time, Duo would have found Shin's protectiveness amusing, but right now, his sense of humor was having a hard time reviving itself. Now that he was truly alone with Heero, he wondered if disabling Shin had been the right thing to do. Fight or flight? Duo clutched at the sheets tightly as he wrestled with the unmanliest urge to run. Heero was too near. Duo could feel the warmth his body radiated, could hear his even breathing, hell- he could actually sense the cobalt blue eyes boring into his face.

Rallying himself, he forced the panicky feeling to ebb, allowing it to be replaced by rigid calm. You have no right to make me feel like this, Heero. I'm over you. Now, if only his heart would get the message!

"You wanted to talk. So talk." He tossed out coolly, leaning back against the pillows and crossing his arms over his chest in a universal gesture of defiance.

Heero gritted his teeth. Duo wasn't going to make this easy. But he had a right to his anger, and Heero was determined to see this through, minus the misunderstandings. Quatre had warned him that Duo's blindness was bound to make the latter more defensive and uncertain; had advised him strongly to exercise patience.

`Maximum tolerance, Heero. Duo's been through a lot and he's still learning to adjust to his blindness. There's bound to be a lot of uncertainty and anger inside him. Remember that he can't see you. He can't read your body language or your facial expressions, so he'll be basing a lot on your tone of voice.' Quatre had said somberly. `I know it's going to be hard, but you have to try to express how you really feel through your voice.' He bit his lip. `Try to picture yourself fighting minus your guiding instruments.' He had added helpfully.

Heero had pondered the advice long and hard. He wasn't fond of talking, had always let his sentiments be known through his actions. He wasn't sure he could express how he felt through his voice alone. What he wanted to do was to pull his partner into his arms and never let go again. But he knew that if he attempted to do that Duo would think he was being attacked.

And was his touch even welcome at this point? He gazed at Duo, unable to voice the bleakness inside him.

Duo shifted, feeling the stare and not knowing what it meant. Dammit! He needed to see Heero's eyes.

Seeing the desperate vulnerability flash through Duo's features, Heero thought his partner had taken Shin's dire warning to heart. That, added to the fact that Duo actually believed he would try to kill him, made Heero's heart twist painfully. Did Duo no longer trust him? He bit his lip, closing his eyes briefly as the tension and anxiety of the last few days threatened to overwhelm him. "I'm not going to hurt you!" He said in a low, intense voice.

Duo stilled. His blindness had forced a new skill to develop- the ability to detect hidden meanings behind nuances of the spoken word. And at that moment, he heard nothing of Heero's usual aloofness. Rather, there was a wealth of weariness. And hurt. Somehow, he had hurt Heero Yuy. Duo swallowed, averting his face to hide his confusion at the sudden tug of guilt.

**I have nothing to be guilty about!** He told that small voice fiercely.

**And he does?**

**--**

**What did he do that was so wrong, Duo? ** The small voice pressed. **Is it his fault that you fell in love with him? Or that he can't return your feelings?**

**SHUT UP!**

**Why are you punishing him, Duo?**The small voice whispered. **Why?**

"Heero-" Duo blurted out, needing to shut the voice up. He shrugged uncomfortably. "-look, whatever guilt trip the others have dumped on you, it's unnecessary, okay? I don't blame you for any of this."

Silence.

"I was stupid enough to let the bastard sneak up on me, that's all." Duo went on with a twist of his mouth. "Serves me right for getting distracted in the middle of a fight. Hell-"

"I shouldn't have hit you."

Duo's heart skipped a beat at the abrupt declaration. He swallowed. "Yeah, well, I shouldn't have let my big mouth run all over the place."

Silence.

"Look, just forget it, alright?" Duo said finally. "Pretend it was a bad joke, a really unfunny one."

"It wasn't a joke." Heero told him strongly.

Duo clamped his mouth shut. Why couldn't the man just let it go? Did he really enjoy seeing Duo bleed?

"You believe I attacked you out of anger. Because you told me you loved me and I was - repelled by your declaration." Heero forced the words out, knowing they would hurt Duo, but knowing too, that the poison had to be forced out before the wound could begin to heal. He watched the other boy intently, wincing at the pain that flashed through the unseeing eyes.

"You were wrong."

The softly spoken words nevertheless rang with sincerity. Duo blinked.

"I was trained to distrust emotions. Soldiers must maintain a clear focus on the mission. Decisions have to be based on logical assessment and evaluation. Too much ride on the choices we make to allow for impulsiveness. I cannot allow emotions to distract me, so I was trained to regard strong emotion as a threat to the mission." He paused. "When I met you and the others, I learned that not everyone could do the same as I do. And I learned that not all emotions were threats. I learned to accept the emotions of others- but I had to have time to disarm my defenses. You surprised me, Duo. I wasn't ready to hear that from you, and you know I do not respond well to surprises. My training took over."

It figured, Duo thought a bit wildly, that a declaration of love would be considered sufficient threat for a decking where the Perfect Soldier was concerned.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." Heero said in a low voice. His eyes searched Duo's profile anxiously for a hint of softening.

Duo sifted through what probably amounted to the longest speech Heero had ever spoken to him, searching for- what? -he mocked himself. A declaration of undying love? It was an explanation. An apology. Pure and simple. He should have known from experience that Heero practiced plainspeak.

"Duo, I-" I love you too.

"It's done, Heero." Duo cut in quickly. It was enough that Heero had brought himself to apologize. He was delusional to expect more. He fought to keep the sadness from his voice. "Of course it hurt, but-" He shrugged, "I'm over that now." Liar, the small voice whispered. Duo ignored it and determinedly put on a cool front. "Besides, I have more important things to worry about."

**I'm over that now.**

Heero stared at him and wondered dully if this was what Duo had felt when he had punched him- this excruciating pain that came from having your heart splinter into a thousand pieces.

"Heero."

Heero realized Duo was holding out his hand.

"Friends?" Duo's voice trembled slightly. It was hard, so hard, because for so long he had wanted more. But Heero couldn't give him what he wanted and that obnoxious voice was right. He had no call to punish Heero for his own folly.

Heero stared at the outstretched hand, then slowly, he reached out to clasp it. "Friends." It was hard, so hard, because just when he had triumphed over his training and brought himself to accept his feelings for Duo, it was too late.

Duo waited for the tightness in his throat to pass, then he asked. "So what now?"

"What now?" Heero echoed. Then, forcing himself to focus, he continued. "We get you to Quatre's doctors and get your vision back on line."

Duo frowned, his mouth pursing stubbornly. "It's not gonna do any good." He insisted. "Derek already got me the best he could find and look where it's got me."

Heero straightened. "You shouldn't close the door to possibilities." He pointed out. "Quatre's doctors may find something the other doctors had missed."

Duo couldn't argue with that. However, that didn't keep him from shaking his head vehemently. "No." He said flatly. "My eyes. My decision. No more false hopes."

Heero forced himself to keep his temper. He'd forgotten how infuriating Duo could be once he'd set his mind. "Dr. G would never allow you to stay here." He said grimly. "If you refuse to return to your duties, he will have you executed for desertion."

"My duties?" Duo's voice rose disbelievingly. "What duties? Heero, you honestly think Dr. G is going to let me anywhere near Deathscythe in my condition? In case you've missed it, pal- I'm blind. Blind! I'm finished as a Gundam pilot!" He shook his head, the grief at the loss of his Gundam rising inside him. "You think I want to desert Deathscythe? I don't have a choice!"

"Yes, you do!" Forgetting himself, Heero lunged forward, catching Duo's arms and shaking him slightly. "You're Shinigami! No one can take that away from you. Deathscythe is your Gundam!"

Duo shook his head.

"Duo!" Heero injected all the force he could in that one word. "Listen to me- no, listen!" As Duo tried to shake him off. Duo stilled. "I know that in the past I've made light of your importance to the team. But these past weeks, I've come to realize that you are important. Not only to the team and the mission, but to me too." Heero knew he was in danger of exposing himself to Duo, but he found that he didn't care anymore. Duo may no longer care for him romantically, but Heero didn't want to lose the last thing they shared as well. Friendship. He knew he was being a selfish bastard, but he needed Duo in his life, whether as a lover, or a friend. He couldn't lose him. "You're important to me, Duo." He whispered. "You taught me everything I know about friendship. You taught me to be human. Without you, I don't think I can go on and still keep my sanity." Seeing the shock and sensing Duo wavering, Heero pressed. "I know I've not been a good friend, but I can change that. I want to change that. And I need you to teach me."

Heero needed him? Duo fought to remember all the reasons why he had refused to return to the team. But with Heero so close, their breaths almost mingling, he was having a hard time thinking at all. And to hear those words from his mouth…he shuddered. It wasn't fair, he thought faintly, that the other boy should have so much power over him.

"You need me?" He asked, bewildered and uncertain. There was always a chance the knock to his head had loosened vital clogs in his mind as well as blinding him and now, his sanity had truly given way.

"I need you." Heero told him softly, the gentleness in his tone conveying his feelings.

Duo closed his eyes. Don't put meaning where none is intended, he warned himself shakily. We've just been through that. However, Heero was too close, and he had missed the other boy's nearness for so long…Unbidden, his hands lifted to cup the Japanese boy's face tentatively.

Heero froze. Duo was touching him. Touching him. Emotion pulsed through him and it was all he could do not to pull the other boy into his arms. Instead he forced himself to be still. Nothing short of death was going to break this moment. His eyes, however, devoured Duo hungrily.

The soft, feather-light touch deepened as Duo felt Heero's mouth. "My coming back really is that important to you?" He asked softly.

"Yes." More than you'll ever know. Heero nodded slowly but strongly to add emphasis.

Duo lowered his hands slowly.

"Even if my eyes don't ever get well again?"

"Yes." Heero said simply.

His sincerity swamped Duo's senses, and his will crumbled. "Alright." He breathed.

end Chap 15