Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Frozen Heart ❯ chapter 19 ( Chapter 20 )

Frozen Heart 19 by sage_libra@yahoo.com

author's note: thanks for all the wonderful feedback ^_^ you make it hard NOT to steal an hour or so from a monster schedule in order to write some more…Thanks!

Duo had never thought there'd be a time that he'd be grateful for his blindness.

He was glad, now. He didn't want to have to see Jason's pain; it was bad enough hearing it in the younger boy's quivering voice. Jason had been good-naturedly sheepish while Duo had told him off about his plans to drop school. Had promised easily enough to return to boarding school. Had talked about school vacations and trips they could take together.

Duo had listened with growing unease. He had brushed aside Derek's subtle warnings about Jason's `feelings' for him, but now, he realized with chagrin that he had been fooling himself. Had willingly blinded himself because he hadn't wanted that responsibility. Hadn't wanted to have to hurt Jason the way he had been hurt.

"I won't be here, Jason." He had cut in quietly, unable to listen any more to the bubbly enthusiasm in Jason's voice. He hated himself for the cruel bluntness. But to wrap it up in lies and platitudes would have been crueler. He couldn't leave the boy with false hopes. He, at least, had to be able to move on. Bruised, perhaps shaken, but ultimately healable. "I've decided to go back to Q and the others."

A stunned silence. Disbelieving, appalled. Then the heartfelt cry. "But why?"

Why?

Because they're my family and they want me back. Because I need them.

Because I need him.

"They pushed you away, Max! They hurt you!" The boy sounded genuinely bewildered. "How can you want to go back to that?"

Duo winced inwardly, but kept his features resolute. "You wouldn't understand-"

"Then explain it to me!" Belligerence crept into the young voice. "They threw you out. Now you're blind they decide they want you anyway? And you're going back, just like that? Fuck! Am I the only one who thinks that's pretty screwed up?"

"Jason!" Duo's voice cracked like a whip, and Jason flinched, falling silent as he took in the anger blazing in the unfocused amethyst eyes. Duo took a deep breath and let it go slowly. "I want you to listen for a minute, okay?"

Jason nodded, then remembering, said, albeit a touch mutinously. "Alright."

"I know it sounds screwed up." Duo bit his lip, choosing his words carefully. "Jason, there are things about me, about us, that you don't know. That you wouldn't understand. Yeah, it hurt like hell when I thought they didn't really care about me." He sent a mental apology to his teammates. Attempting to straighten things out with Jason where their relationships were concerned would have just led to more questions. Questions he couldn't answer. "But we've talked, cleared the air, and I realize that there were a lot of misunderstandings on both sides. They do care about me." At Jason's disbelieving snort, he sighed. "Look, the bottom line is, they're my family. They need me, and I need them too." He raked a hand through his hair, fingers subconsciously searching for his braid and clenching impotently around empty air. "I need them." He repeated softly.

"Shit!" Jason sprang to his feet; began pacing. "Shit!" He repeated, unable to put voice to the anger and helplessness eating away at his guts. How do you argue with that? How do you fight for a guy who won't fight for himself?

Duo closed his eyes briefly, summoning patience. Ironic, because patience had never been his strong suit. And if it had been anyone else, he would have shrugged his shoulders and walked away. He had enough emotional turmoil on his own plate to worry about someone else's. But this was Jason- a boy who had opened his heart and home to him, who had stood by him during some of his darkest moments. He owed this boy more than a thank you and a goodbye. He owed him compassion.

"I'm sorry." He said finally, inadequately. Sorry for leading you on, even unintentionally. Sorry for not being the guy you want me to be. He sighed again, wishing he had asked Quatre for advice before doing this. Quatre would have been able to figure out someway to make this easier. Quatre was the brains of their team, he would have had the answer Jason needed to hear. Or at least, he would have been able to figure out a way to lessen the hurt.

"I just don't get it." Jason said finally, grimly addressing the silent man. "How can you be so sure they won't throw you out again? How can you let them have a chance at hurting you again?"

Duo shook his head, his expression wistful. "I'm not sure of anything, Jason."

"Gods!" Jason wanted to smash something. "Then why are you going back there?" He yelled.

Duo's features darkened, his fingers clenching as he fought to control his temper. "Don't yell at me, Jason." He said in a low voice.

Jason pressed his lips together, struggling to rein in his anger. "I just don't get it." He said sullenly.

**That makes two of us, buddy.**

In the silence that followed, Duo searched for the words Jason needed to hear. The words that would allow the boy to get on with his life.

`Why are you going back there?' Good question, he thought privately. Why, indeed? Looking at the situation from Jason's point of view, he had to admit the move sounded positively masochistic.

But he doesn't know Heero, Duo argued silently. He had only seen the hurt Heero had inflicted. How could he know that underneath Heero's coldness was a heart that craved human contact? That despite the many times Heero had brushed him off, there were also tiny, betraying gestures of caring. Heero looked out for him. Was so hard on him because he was afraid Duo would compromise himself and the mission. Heero conveyed strength and independence, a self-sufficiency that needed no one, but he had accepted Duo as a partner. Accepted him as a roommate when he would accept no one else.

It was just that, Duo mused with a resigned sigh, Heero would never say anything. Wouldn't explain or defend himself. Expressed himself through his actions…

Duo blinked, his mind picking up on something he had been too shell-shocked to pay attention to before.

Heero never explained himself.

But he had yesterday. Had said so much Duo had had serious doubts about his identity.

Heero expressed himself through his actions.

And he had searched him out. Had saved him from certain death at the risk of his own life. Had put the mission on the line to protect him. Had slept on the hard floor in order to keep watch over him. "Fuck." He whispered, his heart beating so fast he felt faint. Unsteadily, he lurched out of his chair.

"Max!" Hands caught him.

"Jason, I've gotta go." Duo told him, the urgency in his voice shocking to the other boy.

"What-?"

"I've gotta go!" Duo repeated, untangling himself from the other boy's grasp and striding to the door. He had to go to Heero. Had to clear the air, once and for all.

"Max!"

That single, heartfelt cry cut through his dazed epiphany, and he stopped, one hand on the door's cool surface. He sounded so desolate. So confused and hurt.

Without looking back, Duo answered his question.

`Why are you going back there?'

"Why, Jason? Because he came for me. In spite of everything, he came for me." He said softly, wonderingly. "Because although he'd rather bleed than admit to needing anyone, he told me that he needed me. That he wants me back in his life." He shook his head. "All this time I've been waiting for him to say something, and I forgot- he was never one for talking. He acts." He took a deep breath and took the leap. "And everything he's done tells me that maybe- maybe he loves me too."

A deafening silence.

"I'm sorry, Jason." Duo said in a low voice. "But if there's even a chance that he feels the same way I do, I have to take it. I can't walk away from this." When no response was forthcoming, he quietly slipped out of the door.

Jason stared at the door, the pain of rejection gnawing at his heart.

"I need you too, Max." Jason whispered to the empty room. "I love you too."

-o0o-

Quatre glanced warily at the grim expression on Heero's face as he sipped his tea. They'd woken up to find Duo gone and Heero looking like thunder. And when Wufei had innocently asked about Duo's whereabouts, the black glare Heero had shot him had effectively shut all of them up. In fact, Wing's pilot hadn't spoken at all since they had gathered around the breakfast table. Quatre was glad that they had been able to disengage Duo's housekeeper - Heero's scowl would have sent the motherly woman into hysterics.

However, Quatre himself was growing anxious as he finished eating and Duo failed to return. He was also confused. Yesterday he could have sworn Duo and Heero had reached an understanding. But this morning Heero look as though he was on the verge of violence. And where had Duo gone?

"Ask me." Shin's cheerful voice interrupted his troubled musing.

Quatre almost dropped his tea in startlement. The computer was practically begging for the chance to disclose the information, but Quatre was on to it. The Arabian was willing to concede that he tended to be naïve on occasion, but he was not stupid. He and Trowa exchanged a wry look.

"I'll pass." Trowa said calmly. Duo's supercomputer was too jaunty- a sure indication that wherever Duo had gone to, he was safe; it also warned anyone with an iota of sense that Heero wasn't happy with the situation. Upon reflection, he wasn't that curious.

Wufei shrugged. Yuy wasn't blowing things away and Winner was relatively calm. Conclusion: Maxwell was safe. He didn't need to know the details. Nor did he want to cross Yuy any further. The other pilot had yet to forget about Duo's near brush with death at his hands.

Quatre bent his formidable intellect to solving this mystery, aquamarine eyes narrowing in thought. It didn't take him long to put two and two together. He grinned at the formless voice. "It's alright, Shin. We can wait."

"Killjoy." Shin grumbled, then added almost as an afterthought. "I'd better give the Wallises a call before they let Max cajole them into letting him drink too much coffee."

Heero busied his hands with slicing the bacon into very small pieces. He knew the computer was needling him. It seemed to have taken after Duo in that respect- badgering until it got the reaction it desired. Well, he thought coldly as he continued slicing, he was not going to fall for it. Not, he added to himself grimly, that he didn't intend to have a very long, exhaustive talk with his partner when the latter returned. Once and for all.

Wufei watched in trepidation as Heero systematically demolished the food on his plate. He got to his feet, muttered something about his morning kata, and made a tactical retreat to the guest room.

Quatre bit his lip to smother his grin and got up to help Trowa with the dishes. Neither pilot considered even asking Heero if he was done.

"Yuy-sama, I don't think the bacon has any hope left of resurrecting itself." Shin advised sweetly.

Heero blinked at the bacon bits arranged neatly around his plate and colored. With a glare at no one in particular, he rose and strode out of the kitchen, his feet taking him unerringly to the balcony. Bracing himself against the rails, he looked unseeingly out over the city, his mind whirling with doubts.

`I can't just disappear…maybe we need to slow down a bit…' Duo's words, his uncertainty washed over Heero, and bleakly, he wondered if he was allowing what he believed Duo needed to blind him to what Duo wanted.

Duo needed the protection of the other pilots. But did Duo want that? Or did he want the saintly perfection that Derek Wallis seemed to embody?

Duo needed to let Quatre's doctors mend his vision. But did Duo want that? Or was he willing to trade his eyes for the relative peace and stability that civilian life offered?

Duo needed someone - him - to control his manic and impulsive nature. But did Duo want that? Or did he really prefer Jason Wallis' blind adoration?

In the kitchen, Trowa was eyeing his lover as the latter frowned thoughtfully while drying the dishes. He shook his head, reached over and collected the dish Quatre had been drying for the last five minutes.

"Go." He said. "Just be careful he doesn't throw you over the balcony." A knowing smirk accompanied the instruction. Quatre was his soulmate, he'd known the compassionate Arabian wouldn't be able to rest until Heero and Duo had sorted out their differences.

Quatre rewarded his understanding with a brilliant smile. "I do love you, Trowa Barton." He breathed, enveloping the taller boy in a tight hug.

"As I you." Trowa returned, turning solemn. He didn't know what he had done in his past lives to deserve the love of someone as gentle and kind as his Quatre, but he thanked whatever gods existed for this blessing every day that he lived. "Now go."

Quatre made certain to make a lot of noise as he joined Heero. One simply did not surprise trigger-happy soldiers. Especially not, he added wryly, one who was suffering from a lovers' quarrel.

"What happened?" He asked pointblank, though gently. Heero, he had discovered early on, had limited skill in interpolating nuances where emotions were concerned. Straight-talking was the best approach. He made a note to remind Duo of this later.

Heero considered the query. What had happened? They had woken up, exchanged less than ten sentences, then Duo had left. "Nothing happened." He replied flatly. It was the truth and it troubled him. He could not shake the feeling that he had missed something, that he had somehow pushed Duo away. Again.

Quatre nodded in complete understanding. How often had Duo said the same thing in the past over his failure to communicate his needs to Heero? In a way, he was glad that Heero was experiencing the same thing, because it proved that his feelings for Duo ran just as deep.

"You know," He said after a moment. "things would be much simpler if you'd just tell him that you love him." His relationship with Trowa had had its own rocky beginning, but once they had gotten the words out into the open, nothing else had mattered.

Heero scowled. "I'm no longer certain he feels the same way." The words were growled out, but even then Quatre heard the uncertainty, fear and pain.

Quatre contemplated his profile, then glanced over the railing. It was a thousand-meter drop. Definitely unsurvivable. He hoped Duo appreciated the risks he undertook on his behalf.

"Duo said those words to you when he had even less assurance that you reciprocated those feelings." He pointed out at length. "Shouldn't you have at least a similar measure of that courage?"

Something flashed through the cobalt eyes, and Quatre steeled himself, meeting that intense stare with calm equanimity.

"You accuse me of cowardice?" A tic jumped in Heero's cheek.

Quatre was saved from replying by Shin's bald announcement that Duo was at the door.

"Tell him." Quatre murmured softly before moving away to join Trowa, who had been watching intently from the kitchen entrance.

Duo paused just inside the door, immediately sensing the tension. "What?" He demanded anxiously. Fuck, he was nervous enough about the `talk' he was determined to have with Heero without any other complication cropping up.

"Trowa and Quatre were just on their way to visit the gardens." Shin informed him soothingly, proving to Quatre that Duo had indeed remembered to program creative innovation, if not honesty, into the supercomputer. Absently, he wondered who among them the computer was emulating now. "Wufei is deep in a meditative trance in the guest room and Heero is at the balcony looking like he'd dearly love to throw someone or something over. Myself, most likely."

"Behave, Shin." Quatre chided fondly as he let Trowa lead him to the door. To Duo, he whispered urgently. "Tell Heero." The door slid shut behind the couple noiselessly.

Duo's heart pounded. He'd understood Quatre's message. He turned to the balcony. "Heero?"

"Here." Heero responded, his eyes going over the other boy hotly as Duo made his way to the him. Part of him reminded him that the Wallises had done a lot for Duo, but the other, less rational part of him didn't care. If either Wallis had touched Duo with anything more than friendship, he was going to tear them limb from limb. Quatre's accusation rang tauntingly at the back of his mind and his teeth ground together.

"Shin loves to tease. You shouldn't take it personally." Duo told him, deciding to deal with that issue first as he grappled with the matter of how to ask what he needed to know.

"Hn." Heero's response was sour, but Duo grinned, hearing the exasperation mix with annoyance. He knew then that Shin was safe. Heero used that tone with him all the time, and he was still standing there, wasn't he?

Heero stared down at him, mesmerized by the other boy's bright smile. **Tell him!** Quatre's insistent admonition burned in Heero's mind. "Duo-"

Duo lifted his face, and the openness in his expression undid Heero. Unable to help himself, he lifted a hand to cup a smooth cheek.

Duo's heart leapt to his throat.

"Heero?" His name was a breathless whisper, and gazing into the amethyst eyes, Heero finally saw what was - and had been all along- in Duo's heart. He made an unintelligible sound deep in his throat.

Duo's mind shut down, his breath catching the moment Heero's lips touched his. It was a faint, feathery touch, wooing, requesting permission, and when he closed his eyes with a low moan, the pressure deepened, firmed. Heero's hand slipped gently to the back of his neck, supporting him, pulling him closer as Heero claimed his mouth fully.

It was too much. It wasn't enough. Duo groaned, pressing frantically against the hard body, his hands clutching Heero's shoulders. Gods, he prayed dazedly, he'd better not be dreaming. And if he was, he never wanted to wake up. Ever.

Finally, Heero's head lifted, a smug grin curving his lips as he took in Duo's flushed face and swollen lips. However, his eyes were tender as he traced that tempting bow with a finger. "I love you." He said softly.

Duo blinked dazedly. "Hmm?" That kiss must have scrambled his brain, because it sounded very much like Heero had said -

"I. Love. You." Heero repeated more strongly.

For an instant, blinding happiness shone in Duo's face. Then a shadow passed over it and the light dimmed. Doubt sparked in the amethyst depths.

"Do you really?" Duo asked softly, instinctively bracing himself. He just couldn't be that lucky. He just couldn't. He began to move away, only to be pulled back by steely arms.

"More than my life." Heero told him fiercely. "I swear it."

Duo let his hands wander to the other boy's lips, still warm from their kiss. "Stop. Don't lie to me, Heero." He pleaded shakily, head bowing as he fought for control. He was standing on the edge of a precipice, balanced precariously and desperately afraid to take that step to the point of no return. "For pity's sake, don't lie to me." His voice broke. "I won't survive it."

Heero bent his head to touch his forehead against Duo's. "I love you." He repeated, putting all his heart and soul behind the words. "I love you. I love you."

I love you.

Duo shuddered, closing his eyes. The last of his defences crumbled away and he threw both arms around Heero's neck, pulling the other boy into a tight embrace. I don't care, he thought, I don't care if he's lying, if I'm dreaming, or if I've finally gone off the deep end. I don't care.

I don't care.

A sob tore from his chest, and hot tears trickled down his cheeks, wetting Heero's shirt.

"Duo?" Heero drew away, alarmed. "Why are you crying?"

Duo kept his eyes closed, shaking his head, unable to put into words the emotions rioting inside him.

Heero's eyes darkened in comprehension. "You don't believe me." He said, only then realizing the extent of damage his prior rejection had wrought in the other boy. Regret, remorse, and and overwhelming tenderness swept through him, and gently he drew Duo closer. He pressed a kiss on his forehead, on the tip of his nose, on his soft lips. "Listen. I was a baka running away from my own feelings." He told Duo quietly. "Afraid of the strength of the emotions you stirred in me, afraid of how easily you had crept into my heart. I wasn't ready, and your courage, your honesty caught me unawares." He emphasized. "But I was never unwilling." He found a rueful smile. "I've always wanted you. Loved you. Hell, I think I fell in love the moment you tried to kill me and just didn't know it." He turned serious. "I mean it, Duo. I love you."

Duo trembled in the circle of his arms. "Even if I'm loud and noisy and fuck up all the time?" His voice was small, a child asking desperately for assurance.

Heero took a deep breath. "I won't promise not to lose my temper, Duo. Especially when you put yourself at risk needlessly. But I'll promise you this - no amount of anger can take away the love I feel for you."

Duo was quiet for a moment, absorbing that. "Even if my eyes don't get better and I can't fly Deathscythe anymore?"

"Baka." Heero sighed. "I love all of you, not just Shinigami or Deathscythe. They're just part of who you are."

Another spell of silence. Heero kept his arms around his would-be lover, gaining confidence and hope as the latter seemed content to lean against him.

"Heero?" Duo's tone was hesitant. "I'm gonna need some time to process this, okay?"

Heero nodded, accepting that, had even expected it. Duo's childhood and experiences had scarred him deeply, and his previous rejection had only served to reinforce that bone-deep self-doubt. "Understood." He sounded out with unshakeable conviction. "I can wait, Duo."

That utter certainty produced a watery grin. "You sound very sure of yourself." He observed.

Heero smoothed back the soft chestnut bangs. "Zutto, Duo." He said simply.

Duo's brows furrowed. "What does that mean?"

Heero pulled him in, resting his chin against the top of his head. However, he had no trouble hearing the smile in his lover's voice.

"It means forever, Duo."

-end Chapter 19

note: hang on…just a bit more