Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Hiding in the Darkness ❯ Afraid of the Light ( Chapter 1 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: lady_eclipse 
Heero reflects on his fear and Relena shields her heartache.
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 03.26.2003 | Pages: 1 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 315 | Status: Work In Progress
Heero reflects on his fear and Relena shields her heartache.
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 03.26.2003 | Pages: 1 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 315 | Status: Work In Progress
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Afraid of the Light
Written By: Lady Eclipse
It all began in the sea. He had sought his death in that thrashing mass taking with him all evidence of his secret coming. Yet the mighty sea had decreed that he should not die and delivered him into the arms of a quiet girl with vibrant eyes and a gentle aura. She had scared him that day. Even then he had been afraid of her, of what her eyes had promised him. True, there was his identity to protect but he was more afraid of her knowing him than of her knowing his name. From the first second their eyes met he had the sickening feeling that she knew him heart and soul as no other living creature did. Even more than Odin ever did. So he ran. And when he saw her again and her eyes offered a warmth and acceptance he had never known he threatened to kill her. But she did not heed...of course she didn't. She smiled and curtsied before him informing him that it would not be wise to kill her with so many witnesses nearby. She frightened him with how much she was willing to give, even then, to the world...to him. She told him that he could kill her if she was the last person he ever killed. * Often she would follow him and risk harm to offer her support and strength even as she needed his through her trying ordeals.
No matter how he fought against his rebellious heart, her face and brilliant eyes would haunt his memory and fill his thoughts. Her name drifted through his mind more times than he could count. Then she emerged as the Zion of peace, a living emblem of all that was right and good with the world. It was then safe for him to linger near her; after all, she was important to his cause. Then it became quite understandable why he stalked her steps and went so far out of his way to save her...to see her. There was no thrill like meeting her passionate eyes that offered him safety and complete empathy. That offered him love. That was what terrified him the most. She could look into his killer's eyes, even down the barrel of his gun, and love him unfailingly. It was that night when he had slipped out of the darkness and into her bright arms and had known comfort and happiness for the first time that he was struck with a terrifying realization. That night he was the most afraid he had ever been in his entire life. As he had lay twined in her arms he had realized how much he was in her power, how completely she owned him. He realized that he would do whatever she asked, would fulfill any desire. No one in all of his life had ever owned him as she did. Not Odin, not Dr.J, and not even the notorious zero system could claim his mind or soul. But she did.
He had run after that night. He ran from the fear, the pain, and the hope that her eyes brought him. He had run hoping that he might be free of his addiction and belong to no one. If someone owned you then they could break you...hurt you. Hadn't Odin said that time and time again? The thought that anyone had that kind of power over him was both terrifying and liberating. There was a thrill to be found in knowing there was someone out there who you belonged to, who wanted you. Relena had always been his home. She was a refuge for his battered soul to return to when he lost all reason and hope. Often he would stray to her welcoming light to replenish his spirit. She often followed him, even when she was chained to her fate as a ruler and symbol; she still followed him in his thoughts at least. The longer he stayed away the more his soul twisted in agony. The need to touch her and bathe in the effervescent light of her eyes was all consuming. So now, both fearing and hoping for her intimacy and gentle comfort, he stood outside her room as he had many nights before. He needed her in ways he didn't understand, in ways that startled him. He found himself just wanting to curl up in her arms and dream away his life surrounded by her presence.
He pressed his forehead against the cool class of the balcony door. He needed to look into her eyes and feel the one thing that he had been denied all of his life. Somewhere inside the dark room he heard the faint rustle of cloth and the sigh of a mattress taking weight. His soul ached horribly and he grasped the door handle before he realized what he had done. Desire spurred him into action opening the forbidden door and surrendering to his need...to her love.
* * *
Relena stood upon an empty stage flooded with even emptier lights that shone mercilessly down on her golden hair. She smoothly rehearsed her speech for the next day's conference before a phantom audience whose silence echoed. She rushed a bit at the end eager to be free of the scorching lights and the haunting emptiness of the sea of chairs; an emptiness that a crowd would only exacerbate. With a lasting glance and a weary sigh, she departed the stage and felt a hint of reluctance to ever return to the cursed thing to repeat a speech she had spoken a hundred times before. Over and over she had labored over the same message, the same endless argument. Even though she had gotten her way in the end and the wars had ceased, not everyone had lost that frame of mind. The politicians refused to give up their petty conflicts and desired blood and a contest of might to solve their problems. Treaty after treaty was presented and signed but they were soon ignored and the ESUN assembly was constantly held up with minor arguments and violent threats.
Even as Relena sought a brief refuge from those hot spotlights and the barren stage she was halted by a posturing politician of yesteryear who was hardly effectual and was more well known to be over aggressive and arrogant than to be reasonable. He barred her way trying his best to appear imploring but failed horribly due to his over-inflated sense of self-importance. She stood patiently listening to his simpering and self-righteous indignation over some decision or other about resource rights.
"As you see, Miss Vice-Foreign Minister, Sector J25 of L3 simply cannot function without a ten percent increase in our allowed resource consumption. Why Sector H5 has almost twice as much as we do!"
"Yes, but there is almost twice as many people living in that sector if I'm not mistaken." She calmly replied trying her best to ignore the pounding in the base of her skull.
"But there are still people living in my sector, do we not deserve to live full lives? Just because there are fewer of us are we to be so deprived and live like animals in the dirt?"
"You are scheduled to address the assembly tomorrow with your problem. I think it would be best to discuss your grievances then." She coldly replied becoming irritated with his useless complaining. As she moved to sidestep him and flee his annoying pretentiousness he grabbed her arm,
"How can you claim to be working for the people if you refuse to listen to their complaints?!" Relena's back went rigid and her jaw clenched as she slowly looked down to where his hand forcefully gripped her flesh and suit. Then, just as slowly, her icy eyes like two rings of iron drifted up to his. The man was bathed in a frigid anger that seared his very soul. In shock, his hand fell useless to his side. Rarely was the open warmth of her gentle eyes so cut off allowing a controlled fury to drift to the surface. Noting that the politician was duly subdued with his ridiculous accusations she walked around him and disappeared into the wing of the stage.
Instead of dissipating as she returned to her hotel, her quiet rage built within her with all of her frustrations feeding into it. That nameless politician was not rare and the room she would be speaking before would contain far more of him than of those who would listen and rationally put the needs of their small sectors into perspective. Her eyes closed in on themselves in a desperate effort to contain her anger and to prevent others from seeing her so upset. It would not do for the great Relena Peacecraft to be so ruffled by a minor politician over a minor issue.
In the sanctity of her room Relena lay in darkness to ease her throbbing head listening to the seconds tick. In that calm darkness a different frustration made its way to the front of her mind. The solemn face of Heero presented itself causing her stomach to spasm with pain. She hadn't seen him in weeks after that sweet and intimate night. She restlessly flopped to her side and stared out into the inky blackness of her room and thought about his eyes. They were filled with so much pain, so much horror. In his eyes she saw the desperate hunger for love and affection. She also saw his desperate attempt to protect himself from such powerful and unknown emotions. She tried her best to suppress her own needs and desires to be patient with his broken soul. She fought against her aching heart and stood sedately by waiting for him to come to peace with himself. For many weeks he had been like a stray cat coming to her door sporadically. She gave in to him every time and relished his company. Yet something had happened after that last night that had scared him away. She had musingly asked him if he was afraid of her. He hadn't answered. She doubted it was wounded pride that kept him away, which led her to wonder if he truly feared her. Relena let out a soft laugh, the most dangerous man alive afraid of a pacifist. She was the one who needed constant protection from the more zealous war activists.
She sighed into the darkness clutching the sheet beneath her in her fisted hand. She wanted him more than she could remember ever wanting anything. He offered such an intense love, even though he refused to acknowledge the emotion. That kind of love was totally unknown to her with her placid history. Her adopted parents had loved her in a genial sort of way and her classmates had certainly loved her money. The world had loved her shining words and hopeful message but she could recall none that loved her as deeply and completely as Hero did. His love was all consuming and burned with an unending heat. The way he held her so tightly in his arms and the way he kissed her with such longing told her more than any pretty speech made by any other. And yet he continued to leave her time and time again confused by his own feelings. Even as she understood him and empathized with his reasons for leaving to gather himself, she hated it deep down inside. Every time he left with no guarantee she would ever see him again left a gaping hole in her chest that only he could fill. As those painful thoughts passed through her mind she heard the distant click of her door opening.
A sudden presence filled the room where there had only been emptiness before. She could feel him even without any sound and her back turned. The moonlight filled the room even as he did sending a feeble and haunting light forth to break up the darkness. She sat up and turned to face her intruder carefully suppressing the frustration of the day and of her heartache. Heero paused in his motions as he caught her shielded eyes and nearly stumbled in shock. His heart clenched in distress as he was shut out of her radiant eyes and denied the sanctuary of her tender heart. He found himself suddenly spiraling out of control into the merciless blackness left bereft of her brilliant light to guide him.
"Relena." He stumbled forward and onto her bed urgently grasping her arms in his panic. "Look at me." He pleaded nearly trembling. Relena's breath caught in her throat as she looked into those turbulent eyes. In his alarm at her closed off state he had left his own shields down leaving her free to see every inch of his scarred soul.
"Heero..." Her eyes softened in awe of what she saw making her forget her previous discontent. Heero's relief of being welcomed back into her open eyes was so profound that he sighed in bliss and buried his face in her shoulder. Like an addict getting a fix he found himself satiated and calm. His arms found their way around her torso and held on tightly.
"Don't do that ever again." He sounded strangely vulnerable.
"Do what?" She held him to her and soothingly stroked his hair much like she would do to soothe a child who had a bad dream.
"Don't close off from me like that," his arms tightened their embrace, "don't deny me." His voice was faint and pleading...afraid. A crystal teal slid down her cheek,
"I won't ever deny you." She whispered and kissed the top of his head before resting her cheek against the mass of hair.
"Never."
__________________________________________ ______________________________
* = In the manga Relena tells Heero that he can kill her if she is the last one he ever kills and it becomes a kind of metaphor for the two of them. I don't think that it is ever mentioned in the anime. Also, Odin (to the best of my knowledge) never said that to Heero. That was simply my idea of the kind of advice Odin would give him.
Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Reviews are what encourage writers to continue. I promise you that I tend to work on a story much faster if I know there are people out there who can't wait to read what happens next.
Lady Eclipse
"If the people we love are stolen from us a way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever."
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Afraid of the Light
Written By: Lady Eclipse
It all began in the sea. He had sought his death in that thrashing mass taking with him all evidence of his secret coming. Yet the mighty sea had decreed that he should not die and delivered him into the arms of a quiet girl with vibrant eyes and a gentle aura. She had scared him that day. Even then he had been afraid of her, of what her eyes had promised him. True, there was his identity to protect but he was more afraid of her knowing him than of her knowing his name. From the first second their eyes met he had the sickening feeling that she knew him heart and soul as no other living creature did. Even more than Odin ever did. So he ran. And when he saw her again and her eyes offered a warmth and acceptance he had never known he threatened to kill her. But she did not heed...of course she didn't. She smiled and curtsied before him informing him that it would not be wise to kill her with so many witnesses nearby. She frightened him with how much she was willing to give, even then, to the world...to him. She told him that he could kill her if she was the last person he ever killed. * Often she would follow him and risk harm to offer her support and strength even as she needed his through her trying ordeals.
No matter how he fought against his rebellious heart, her face and brilliant eyes would haunt his memory and fill his thoughts. Her name drifted through his mind more times than he could count. Then she emerged as the Zion of peace, a living emblem of all that was right and good with the world. It was then safe for him to linger near her; after all, she was important to his cause. Then it became quite understandable why he stalked her steps and went so far out of his way to save her...to see her. There was no thrill like meeting her passionate eyes that offered him safety and complete empathy. That offered him love. That was what terrified him the most. She could look into his killer's eyes, even down the barrel of his gun, and love him unfailingly. It was that night when he had slipped out of the darkness and into her bright arms and had known comfort and happiness for the first time that he was struck with a terrifying realization. That night he was the most afraid he had ever been in his entire life. As he had lay twined in her arms he had realized how much he was in her power, how completely she owned him. He realized that he would do whatever she asked, would fulfill any desire. No one in all of his life had ever owned him as she did. Not Odin, not Dr.J, and not even the notorious zero system could claim his mind or soul. But she did.
He had run after that night. He ran from the fear, the pain, and the hope that her eyes brought him. He had run hoping that he might be free of his addiction and belong to no one. If someone owned you then they could break you...hurt you. Hadn't Odin said that time and time again? The thought that anyone had that kind of power over him was both terrifying and liberating. There was a thrill to be found in knowing there was someone out there who you belonged to, who wanted you. Relena had always been his home. She was a refuge for his battered soul to return to when he lost all reason and hope. Often he would stray to her welcoming light to replenish his spirit. She often followed him, even when she was chained to her fate as a ruler and symbol; she still followed him in his thoughts at least. The longer he stayed away the more his soul twisted in agony. The need to touch her and bathe in the effervescent light of her eyes was all consuming. So now, both fearing and hoping for her intimacy and gentle comfort, he stood outside her room as he had many nights before. He needed her in ways he didn't understand, in ways that startled him. He found himself just wanting to curl up in her arms and dream away his life surrounded by her presence.
He pressed his forehead against the cool class of the balcony door. He needed to look into her eyes and feel the one thing that he had been denied all of his life. Somewhere inside the dark room he heard the faint rustle of cloth and the sigh of a mattress taking weight. His soul ached horribly and he grasped the door handle before he realized what he had done. Desire spurred him into action opening the forbidden door and surrendering to his need...to her love.
* * *
Relena stood upon an empty stage flooded with even emptier lights that shone mercilessly down on her golden hair. She smoothly rehearsed her speech for the next day's conference before a phantom audience whose silence echoed. She rushed a bit at the end eager to be free of the scorching lights and the haunting emptiness of the sea of chairs; an emptiness that a crowd would only exacerbate. With a lasting glance and a weary sigh, she departed the stage and felt a hint of reluctance to ever return to the cursed thing to repeat a speech she had spoken a hundred times before. Over and over she had labored over the same message, the same endless argument. Even though she had gotten her way in the end and the wars had ceased, not everyone had lost that frame of mind. The politicians refused to give up their petty conflicts and desired blood and a contest of might to solve their problems. Treaty after treaty was presented and signed but they were soon ignored and the ESUN assembly was constantly held up with minor arguments and violent threats.
Even as Relena sought a brief refuge from those hot spotlights and the barren stage she was halted by a posturing politician of yesteryear who was hardly effectual and was more well known to be over aggressive and arrogant than to be reasonable. He barred her way trying his best to appear imploring but failed horribly due to his over-inflated sense of self-importance. She stood patiently listening to his simpering and self-righteous indignation over some decision or other about resource rights.
"As you see, Miss Vice-Foreign Minister, Sector J25 of L3 simply cannot function without a ten percent increase in our allowed resource consumption. Why Sector H5 has almost twice as much as we do!"
"Yes, but there is almost twice as many people living in that sector if I'm not mistaken." She calmly replied trying her best to ignore the pounding in the base of her skull.
"But there are still people living in my sector, do we not deserve to live full lives? Just because there are fewer of us are we to be so deprived and live like animals in the dirt?"
"You are scheduled to address the assembly tomorrow with your problem. I think it would be best to discuss your grievances then." She coldly replied becoming irritated with his useless complaining. As she moved to sidestep him and flee his annoying pretentiousness he grabbed her arm,
"How can you claim to be working for the people if you refuse to listen to their complaints?!" Relena's back went rigid and her jaw clenched as she slowly looked down to where his hand forcefully gripped her flesh and suit. Then, just as slowly, her icy eyes like two rings of iron drifted up to his. The man was bathed in a frigid anger that seared his very soul. In shock, his hand fell useless to his side. Rarely was the open warmth of her gentle eyes so cut off allowing a controlled fury to drift to the surface. Noting that the politician was duly subdued with his ridiculous accusations she walked around him and disappeared into the wing of the stage.
Instead of dissipating as she returned to her hotel, her quiet rage built within her with all of her frustrations feeding into it. That nameless politician was not rare and the room she would be speaking before would contain far more of him than of those who would listen and rationally put the needs of their small sectors into perspective. Her eyes closed in on themselves in a desperate effort to contain her anger and to prevent others from seeing her so upset. It would not do for the great Relena Peacecraft to be so ruffled by a minor politician over a minor issue.
In the sanctity of her room Relena lay in darkness to ease her throbbing head listening to the seconds tick. In that calm darkness a different frustration made its way to the front of her mind. The solemn face of Heero presented itself causing her stomach to spasm with pain. She hadn't seen him in weeks after that sweet and intimate night. She restlessly flopped to her side and stared out into the inky blackness of her room and thought about his eyes. They were filled with so much pain, so much horror. In his eyes she saw the desperate hunger for love and affection. She also saw his desperate attempt to protect himself from such powerful and unknown emotions. She tried her best to suppress her own needs and desires to be patient with his broken soul. She fought against her aching heart and stood sedately by waiting for him to come to peace with himself. For many weeks he had been like a stray cat coming to her door sporadically. She gave in to him every time and relished his company. Yet something had happened after that last night that had scared him away. She had musingly asked him if he was afraid of her. He hadn't answered. She doubted it was wounded pride that kept him away, which led her to wonder if he truly feared her. Relena let out a soft laugh, the most dangerous man alive afraid of a pacifist. She was the one who needed constant protection from the more zealous war activists.
She sighed into the darkness clutching the sheet beneath her in her fisted hand. She wanted him more than she could remember ever wanting anything. He offered such an intense love, even though he refused to acknowledge the emotion. That kind of love was totally unknown to her with her placid history. Her adopted parents had loved her in a genial sort of way and her classmates had certainly loved her money. The world had loved her shining words and hopeful message but she could recall none that loved her as deeply and completely as Hero did. His love was all consuming and burned with an unending heat. The way he held her so tightly in his arms and the way he kissed her with such longing told her more than any pretty speech made by any other. And yet he continued to leave her time and time again confused by his own feelings. Even as she understood him and empathized with his reasons for leaving to gather himself, she hated it deep down inside. Every time he left with no guarantee she would ever see him again left a gaping hole in her chest that only he could fill. As those painful thoughts passed through her mind she heard the distant click of her door opening.
A sudden presence filled the room where there had only been emptiness before. She could feel him even without any sound and her back turned. The moonlight filled the room even as he did sending a feeble and haunting light forth to break up the darkness. She sat up and turned to face her intruder carefully suppressing the frustration of the day and of her heartache. Heero paused in his motions as he caught her shielded eyes and nearly stumbled in shock. His heart clenched in distress as he was shut out of her radiant eyes and denied the sanctuary of her tender heart. He found himself suddenly spiraling out of control into the merciless blackness left bereft of her brilliant light to guide him.
"Relena." He stumbled forward and onto her bed urgently grasping her arms in his panic. "Look at me." He pleaded nearly trembling. Relena's breath caught in her throat as she looked into those turbulent eyes. In his alarm at her closed off state he had left his own shields down leaving her free to see every inch of his scarred soul.
"Heero..." Her eyes softened in awe of what she saw making her forget her previous discontent. Heero's relief of being welcomed back into her open eyes was so profound that he sighed in bliss and buried his face in her shoulder. Like an addict getting a fix he found himself satiated and calm. His arms found their way around her torso and held on tightly.
"Don't do that ever again." He sounded strangely vulnerable.
"Do what?" She held him to her and soothingly stroked his hair much like she would do to soothe a child who had a bad dream.
"Don't close off from me like that," his arms tightened their embrace, "don't deny me." His voice was faint and pleading...afraid. A crystal teal slid down her cheek,
"I won't ever deny you." She whispered and kissed the top of his head before resting her cheek against the mass of hair.
"Never."
__________________________________________ ______________________________
* = In the manga Relena tells Heero that he can kill her if she is the last one he ever kills and it becomes a kind of metaphor for the two of them. I don't think that it is ever mentioned in the anime. Also, Odin (to the best of my knowledge) never said that to Heero. That was simply my idea of the kind of advice Odin would give him.
Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Reviews are what encourage writers to continue. I promise you that I tend to work on a story much faster if I know there are people out there who can't wait to read what happens next.
Lady Eclipse
"If the people we love are stolen from us a way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever."
The Crow
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