Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Ultimate Sacrifice ❯ Chapter 9 ( Chapter 9 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Karen from KanaDUH 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Hentai / Romance | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 07.23.2002 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 607 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Hentai / Romance | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 07.23.2002 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 607 | Status: Work In Progress
Warnings: yaoi, angst, AU, alternating POV's
Pairing:1x2, 1+R (nothing romantic though), implied 3+4
Disclaimer: Would I still be working if I owned GW?
Archive: GW on the Sanctuary Anywhere else, please ask first. Feedback: Send comments, good and bad, to lady_yaoi @ hotmail.com (remove spaces)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AC 200
[Duo POV]
My dreams have always been especially vivid. Which is why it took me a few extra minutes when I awoke to realize the wiry arms wrapped around me, the beating of a heart not my own, were real.
Cautiously opening my eyes, they were met by two pools of cobalt blue displaying a tenderness and sadness I'd never seen in them before. It both amazed and scared me. Somewhat spooked, I scrabble off the bed and stand, shaking, in the middle of the room. Questions I don't want answers to are swirling though my head.
A half growled, half sobbed "No!" follows my flight from the bed. With cheeta-like speed Heero is beside me, pulling me tight against him. "No more running, Duo." This time it is definitely a sob. "Onegai... no more."
Turning my head to look at Heero, I'm shaken by the pained look on his face, the glimmer tears caught in his lashes. This is not the Heero I remembered; the Perfect Soldier would never have allowed such raw emotion to show so clearly. I flash back to Wufei's 'you destroyed him' remark. At the time I assumed he meant Heero was dead, but maybe the real meaning is the Perfect Soldier had been destroyed. But the Perfect Soldier was, _is_, Heero; destroying one means destroying the other... doesn't it?
Confused, exhausted both physically and emotionally, I can't remain standing any longer. Heero slowly guides my collapsing form to the carpeted floor, never releasing his hold on me. He doesn't need to worry about me running away right now, I don't have the strength.
"Why, Duo? Why did you l-leave... me?" I don't resist as I'm drawn into his lap, my head tucked under the firm chin I know so well.
My eyes slide shut and I half-heartedly wish I were somewhere else. He wasn't supposed to find me, no one was. Heero was supposed to forget about me... us... But the raw emotion I'd seen in his eyes, heard in his voice, told me that hadn't happened.
"I've missed you... so much." Arms tightened around me, and I can feel his body shake where my side is pressed against his chest. Heero is crying, openly... because of me. Silent, scalding tears drip unnoticed from beneath my eyelids as it dawns on me how deeply my intended actions of making Heero happy had instead deeply hurt him. Wave after wave of guilt stabs at me, tearing apart what little is left of my heart.
"You were supposed to forget me, Heero," It didn't matter that my voice broke when I spoke his name; right now nothing really matters to me. "Have a happy, secure, peaceful life with Relena. Someone who deserves all you have to give. We-we have no future together." Though it kills me a little more each day, I still believe it. He needs to understand that, needs to see it himself. "You need to let me go now, Heero. Let me go and forget about me; get on with your life."
Hands that had been gentle before are now rough as they grab the sides of my face and jerk it upwards. Anger, mixed with hurt and pain, now burn in Heero's cobalt eyes. "I have no life without you!" he ground out. "What made you think I'd want a life without you in it? What right do you have to direct my life, make decisions for me without finding out what _I_ wanted first?"
"I can't give you anything!" Unable to stop it, my own anger quickly boils forth. "I have nothing, Heero... I am _nothing_ but a broken street-rat."
His hard eyes bore into my face. If they were lasers I'd be burned beyond recognition by now. "Do you love me?" The question startles me. I don't know what I was expecting, but that wasn't it. 'Yes!', my entire being screams the answer, but my voice remains silent. I can't lie, not to Heero... but I also can't tell him the truth. He needs to let me go, for his own good.
"Answer me, Duo. Do. You. Love. Me." I've never seen Heero truly afraid before. Until now, that is. Fear, plain as day, etched itself into his face. Fear of what?
"Heero..."
"Just answer me! You _owe_ me that after the hell you've put me through!"
Summoning all the strength I could, I broke free of Heero's grasp and moved away from him. I drew my knees up and wrapped by arms around them in a feeble attempt to stop the tremors shooting through me. "The hell you've been through is of your own making. You should have moved on." I know I'm repeating myself, but I can hardly form a coherent thought at this point. "And whether or not I love you doesn't matter."
Silence, broken only by the raspy sound of our mutual breathing, settles on us like a heavy snow. I let my head fall forward onto my knees.
"You do, don't you?" His quiet voice seems loud in the stillness of the room. "Why won't you tell me? What are you afraid of?"
"Of you... of me..." Too tired to resist any more, I give in and let my voice speak the words my soul so desperately wants to say. "Of just how much I love you, how much I need you... of how much you _don't_ need or love me..."
"But I did... DO!... love you, Duo. Why didn't you come to me, confront me… like you did with everything else?"
"Because I didn't want to hear you say you didn't. That I was right in thinking I couldn't be the one to make your life happy forever. It would have destroyed me... to hear you say you didn't need me... to ask me to leave you alone. That I was worthless to you now that the war was over."
Slowly, like one would approach a frightened animal, Heero crept towards me. I feel him settle beside me, reaching out a tentative hand to touch my arm. "Duo? Look at me, onegai?" Gentle fingers reach under my chin and tilt it upwards. "So you decided to leave first, never asking me if it's what I wanted? Look at me. Do I look happy? Do you?
"I love you, Duo... ai shiteru... with all my heart. For two years, eight months and twenty-nine days I've been trying to find you. To tell you that, tell you how much you mean to me, to show you you're not worthless... not to me, never to me."
The fingers under my chin move to brush lightly across my cheek and I find myself unconsciously leaning into them. "I'm sorry, Heero." I whisper, "Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, please believe that."
"But hurting yourself was okay?" My hand covers Heero's, the one still stroking my cheek, and I pull him into my arms. I can't remember the last time anything felt so good... so right. "Yes, sometimes loving someone means you have to sacrifice your own happiness... your own life."
"Ai shiteru, Duo," he presses a tender kiss to my cheek, content to stay where we are for now. "No more sacrifices, no more being afraid." Weariness, the kind you can only associate with emotional trauma, pulls me into a soft sleep... still holding Heero, still encompassed in the circle of his arms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TBC
Pairing:1x2, 1+R (nothing romantic though), implied 3+4
Disclaimer: Would I still be working if I owned GW?
Archive: GW on the Sanctuary Anywhere else, please ask first. Feedback: Send comments, good and bad, to lady_yaoi @ hotmail.com (remove spaces)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ultimate Sacrifice
AC 200
[Duo POV]
My dreams have always been especially vivid. Which is why it took me a few extra minutes when I awoke to realize the wiry arms wrapped around me, the beating of a heart not my own, were real.
Cautiously opening my eyes, they were met by two pools of cobalt blue displaying a tenderness and sadness I'd never seen in them before. It both amazed and scared me. Somewhat spooked, I scrabble off the bed and stand, shaking, in the middle of the room. Questions I don't want answers to are swirling though my head.
A half growled, half sobbed "No!" follows my flight from the bed. With cheeta-like speed Heero is beside me, pulling me tight against him. "No more running, Duo." This time it is definitely a sob. "Onegai... no more."
Turning my head to look at Heero, I'm shaken by the pained look on his face, the glimmer tears caught in his lashes. This is not the Heero I remembered; the Perfect Soldier would never have allowed such raw emotion to show so clearly. I flash back to Wufei's 'you destroyed him' remark. At the time I assumed he meant Heero was dead, but maybe the real meaning is the Perfect Soldier had been destroyed. But the Perfect Soldier was, _is_, Heero; destroying one means destroying the other... doesn't it?
Confused, exhausted both physically and emotionally, I can't remain standing any longer. Heero slowly guides my collapsing form to the carpeted floor, never releasing his hold on me. He doesn't need to worry about me running away right now, I don't have the strength.
"Why, Duo? Why did you l-leave... me?" I don't resist as I'm drawn into his lap, my head tucked under the firm chin I know so well.
My eyes slide shut and I half-heartedly wish I were somewhere else. He wasn't supposed to find me, no one was. Heero was supposed to forget about me... us... But the raw emotion I'd seen in his eyes, heard in his voice, told me that hadn't happened.
"I've missed you... so much." Arms tightened around me, and I can feel his body shake where my side is pressed against his chest. Heero is crying, openly... because of me. Silent, scalding tears drip unnoticed from beneath my eyelids as it dawns on me how deeply my intended actions of making Heero happy had instead deeply hurt him. Wave after wave of guilt stabs at me, tearing apart what little is left of my heart.
"You were supposed to forget me, Heero," It didn't matter that my voice broke when I spoke his name; right now nothing really matters to me. "Have a happy, secure, peaceful life with Relena. Someone who deserves all you have to give. We-we have no future together." Though it kills me a little more each day, I still believe it. He needs to understand that, needs to see it himself. "You need to let me go now, Heero. Let me go and forget about me; get on with your life."
Hands that had been gentle before are now rough as they grab the sides of my face and jerk it upwards. Anger, mixed with hurt and pain, now burn in Heero's cobalt eyes. "I have no life without you!" he ground out. "What made you think I'd want a life without you in it? What right do you have to direct my life, make decisions for me without finding out what _I_ wanted first?"
"I can't give you anything!" Unable to stop it, my own anger quickly boils forth. "I have nothing, Heero... I am _nothing_ but a broken street-rat."
His hard eyes bore into my face. If they were lasers I'd be burned beyond recognition by now. "Do you love me?" The question startles me. I don't know what I was expecting, but that wasn't it. 'Yes!', my entire being screams the answer, but my voice remains silent. I can't lie, not to Heero... but I also can't tell him the truth. He needs to let me go, for his own good.
"Answer me, Duo. Do. You. Love. Me." I've never seen Heero truly afraid before. Until now, that is. Fear, plain as day, etched itself into his face. Fear of what?
"Heero..."
"Just answer me! You _owe_ me that after the hell you've put me through!"
Summoning all the strength I could, I broke free of Heero's grasp and moved away from him. I drew my knees up and wrapped by arms around them in a feeble attempt to stop the tremors shooting through me. "The hell you've been through is of your own making. You should have moved on." I know I'm repeating myself, but I can hardly form a coherent thought at this point. "And whether or not I love you doesn't matter."
Silence, broken only by the raspy sound of our mutual breathing, settles on us like a heavy snow. I let my head fall forward onto my knees.
"You do, don't you?" His quiet voice seems loud in the stillness of the room. "Why won't you tell me? What are you afraid of?"
"Of you... of me..." Too tired to resist any more, I give in and let my voice speak the words my soul so desperately wants to say. "Of just how much I love you, how much I need you... of how much you _don't_ need or love me..."
"But I did... DO!... love you, Duo. Why didn't you come to me, confront me… like you did with everything else?"
"Because I didn't want to hear you say you didn't. That I was right in thinking I couldn't be the one to make your life happy forever. It would have destroyed me... to hear you say you didn't need me... to ask me to leave you alone. That I was worthless to you now that the war was over."
Slowly, like one would approach a frightened animal, Heero crept towards me. I feel him settle beside me, reaching out a tentative hand to touch my arm. "Duo? Look at me, onegai?" Gentle fingers reach under my chin and tilt it upwards. "So you decided to leave first, never asking me if it's what I wanted? Look at me. Do I look happy? Do you?
"I love you, Duo... ai shiteru... with all my heart. For two years, eight months and twenty-nine days I've been trying to find you. To tell you that, tell you how much you mean to me, to show you you're not worthless... not to me, never to me."
The fingers under my chin move to brush lightly across my cheek and I find myself unconsciously leaning into them. "I'm sorry, Heero." I whisper, "Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, please believe that."
"But hurting yourself was okay?" My hand covers Heero's, the one still stroking my cheek, and I pull him into my arms. I can't remember the last time anything felt so good... so right. "Yes, sometimes loving someone means you have to sacrifice your own happiness... your own life."
"Ai shiteru, Duo," he presses a tender kiss to my cheek, content to stay where we are for now. "No more sacrifices, no more being afraid." Weariness, the kind you can only associate with emotional trauma, pulls me into a soft sleep... still holding Heero, still encompassed in the circle of his arms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TBC