Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Tears Of Life ❯ Kissing ( Chapter 4 )

Dear Journal,

 

Last night I saw something and it's been effecting me ever since. When I returned to the dorm last night I saw Blaise and another boy kissing each other. Sure, I've seen people kiss before but last night it seemed so different. They were so gentle with each other. Blaise seemed to hold his partner with great care. They were kissing, caressing and staring at each other as if they were the only people alive.

 

I watched the way Blaise touched his lover with fascination, never before had I seen the type of emotion that they shared for each other. I'm not talking about two boys kissing, but the tenderness they have for each other.

 

Just before Blaise went further then second base I went to bed. I couldn't bring myself to watch anymore private moments, it didn't seem right.

 

As a child I had been told that I must marry a pureblood witch and produce an heir. It is the way of the purebloods, the name Malfoy must live on and that's what had been drilled into my head since before I could remember. To be with other boy is not forbidden, but to have a relationship with them is. But watching the love between them makes me wonder why producing an heir is so important.

 

The first time I saw someone kissing was an event that I could never forget. In my first year there were a lot of new things that I experienced and many of them made me blush like crazy. One of them was witnessing a few intimate moments between other Slytherins. The first time I saw someone kissing I thought they were attacking each other. It seemed to rough and violent to me. I even tried to break them apart from each other.

 

In the end they laugh in my face when I told them not to fight. Lucky for me there were no other witnesses. I later learned that their names were Jayna and Asher, they had been betrothed to other people but fell in love with each other at Hogwarts. They even tried to explain a few things to me. They said that there are different types of kisses, some are rough and passionate and some are soft and sweet. Apparently to share a kiss with somebody you need to love and trust the other person or it's wrong.

 

I still didn't really understand them; I was a bit confused because Father told me not to touch anyone. I even questioned my father about it, he simply replied that some people have different needs when they are older. After I questioned my Father, I rarely saw anyone kissing or touching each other anymore.

 

I still don't know why people would want to be covered in somebody else's sweat. It seems so dirty and wrong to me, but then again I don't seem to mind Harry touching me that much anymore.

 

Jayna and Asher were both from seventh year and they became my big brother and sister. They knew I didn't like to be touched and helped me though my first year. Jayna sometime even mothered me, I pretended to be annoyed at it but I secretly loved those moments. Asher just thought I was a brat but he would protect me from harm. I hope I didn't disappoint them with my choice. I'm too afraid to contact them now, I don't know whether they support Voldemort or not. If they do I don't want to hear their disappointment. I miss them sometimes.

 

The one good thing about Slytherins is that you know who your friends are, and if someone doesn't like you, you'll know it, we don't lie. However at this moment, there are a lot of Slytherins rethinking their choices after I made mine. I believe that many Slytherins fear for their safety and their parents.

 

There have been some people who asked me about my choice in secret, and I simply told them that it was their choice. I just reminded them to think very carefully. I asked them if they could live with themselves as a slave for the rest of their life or live with themselves knowing that their decision could possible kill a member of their family. I also added that it also possible to save their family member if they wanted to be slaves. I hope that they will make the right choice for them, and not for other people.

 

There a lot of people in the other houses that automatically assumes that Slytherin is full of dark wizards and witches. This clearly shows how stupid they are, why would Hogwarts have a house for dark people? Slytherins are meant to be cunning, that doesn't mean we're evil. I was picked on by other houses a few times, but Asher protected me. He told me that I should use any force necessary to protect myself.

 

I learned that by being mean and nasty it keeps people from hurting me, however it also keeps people away from me. Now I 'm so used to it, I can't help myself. I hope that one day I could learn to be myself. I want to be known as Draco, not as Malfoy.

 

I think that after I watched Blaise I wanted something that I never thought possible. I had always longed for a friend and my parents' love, but I never really thought about having a lover that actually loved me. Before refusing the Dark Mark, my life was already planned out for me, I always assumed that I would marry the person my father chose for me.

 

Before I went to sleep all these new possibilities were running though my head. I think this is where it all went wrong. I was also thinking about Harry. Since Weasley and Granger came back Harry's been so happy. I was happy because Harry was happy. I don't know why but I was. This emotion thing doesn't make much sense. I once tried to find the logic behind each emotion and I ended up being more confused then I was at the beginning. Now I just expect the fact that I'm happy.

 

Usually Harry would spend time with me after dinner, but since his friends are back, I knew that he would be too busy. I knew what would happen when they came back, but I couldn't believe how much it hurt when he left with his friends without even looking in my direction.

 

In my dream I was lying in bed with a figure atop me. We were both completely naked. Though I couldn't see the person's face because it was so dark, I could tell that the person was a boy because I felt something poking at me. He was touching me in places where no one ever touched me before and it felt so good that it scared me.

 

His hands seemed so rough but yet so gentle. I tried to push him away but he wouldn't budge, it was so frightening. His moments become much bolder; I could feel his hand moving toward my leg and my heart started to beat like crazy. I had lain completely still unable to move but then he suddenly stopped. He lifted his hand and somehow the room was filled with light.

 

The instant I saw his face I calmed down a bit. It was Harry, he smiled at me then whispered in my ear "Calm down, you know I would never hurt you", he sounded so seductive. I wanted to believe him but my body was still so tense. He looked at me with love in his eyes, then it looked like he was going to kiss me, but I woke up before anything happened.

 

Now everytime I'm with Harry I can't help but be drawn to his lips. Just this morning he complained that I wasn't listening to him. All that I could think of were his lips. I wonder if they taste as sweet as they look.

 

Draco Malfoy