InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Blackout ❯ The Way Forward, Part 1 ( Chapter 41 )

Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known characters, plot, etc. I’m just renting them from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc. I do own the plot of this story and any original characters I’ve created. I will make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of my readers.


The Way Forward, Part 1


Kagome’s brow twitched in annoyance as the warbling of some stupid bird right outside her window sent nails-on-a-chalkboard type reverberations through her skull. Normally she might derive some pleasure from listening to the melodious song, but not today. Today she was more tempted to open the window and throw a book at the little avian. But the prospect of rising from her bed seemed so onerous, and it was far easier to simply draw the covers over her head. The warbling was only muffled as opposed to silenced, but at least she didn’t have to get up.

Except to go to the bathroom, that is. Oh, yes, she had definitely entered the dreaded third trimester; her body had made that perfectly clear to her over the past several weeks. She might as well replace her desk chair with a commode. Not that she had any reason to sit her desk. Going to school was out of the question, so there was nothing to study. She supposed she could spend her time trying to prepare for delivery and motherhood, but just didn’t have the energy. Lying in bed was all she ever seemed to feel like doing these days. Even eating had become a chore. Her mother had been cooking oden and other meals she loved, but the food turned to cardboard in her mouth and she had to literally choke it down. Her mother hadn’t fallen off the wagon, so obviously the issue wasn’t the actual quality of the food, but Kagome didn’t care enough to attempt to remedy the problem. She was pretty sure she knew the reason why she found it so hard to enjoy anything in life anymore, but in this case there was literally no cure for what ailed her.

Kagome sighed, turning her head into her pillow. But for the first time, no tears came when she thought of Inuyasha. Perhaps she had finally exhausted her supply. That’s what happens when one cries enough to fill a bathtub in just a few days. The journey back to the well had been hard enough, but she’d always held some ridiculous hope that they’d run into Inuyasha on the way. The instant she gazed up from the bottom of the well and saw a roof over her head, instead of the clear blue sky of the feudal era, it hit her–Inuyasha was truly gone. Barring a miracle, she would never see him again. She had no faith that Sesshoumaru or Kouga would be of any help, to say nothing of Kikyou’s vindictive agenda. She had been content to delude herself for a time, but no longer. She was now officially a single mother. Whatever she and Inuyasha had was over.

Soft knocking on the door broke Kagome from her musings, and she rolled her eyes. It was probably her mother come to check on her. Again. When she gave no response, she heard the doorknob turn and the hinges creak just a bit. Yep, definitely her mother. At least Souta and Jii-chan went away when she didn’t answer, which was most of the time.

“Kagome?”

The young miko suppressed a growl. She knew her mother was concerned about her, but she just wanted to be left alone! Still, she was determined not to take her misery out on her family. They didn’t deserve that. It would help if her mother especially was not making that noble task so damn difficult. She knew from experience that if she pretended to be asleep the older woman would go away, but she would need to relieve herself in a few minutes so there was no point in doing that. Besides, her stomach had already started rumbling, and her mother would probably offer to make lunch. Kagome wasn’t so miserable as to look that gift horse in the mouth. If her mother’s cooking tasted like cardboard, she could only imagine how offensive to the palate her own would prove.

“Yes, Mama?” she asked after a moment, pulling the covers down off her head. Her mother blinked at her in surprise; she apparently had not been anticipating an acknowledgment. But she quickly adopted a smile so artificially bright that Kagome wished for sunglasses.

“It’s a beautiful day out, dear. Why don’t you come down and have lunch, and then we can go to the park?”

“No park,” Kagome snapped. Her tone was harsher than intended, mostly because she had to refrain from saying something cruel. As I told you yesterday, I don’t want to go to the damn park!

“Well, then maybe shopping for baby clothes? Or we could even just sit outside by the Goshinboku for a b–”

“I’m not going outside!”

Kagome felt a twinge of guilt for the way her mother’s expression saddened instantly, but was too irritated to apologize for her outburst. It wouldn’t have happened if the stubborn woman had taken the hint in the first place. Evidently, even spelling it out so fervidly was not going to work this time, for her mother’s eyes narrowed and her jaw set with determination. Kagome groaned quietly to herself. She had known that eventually her mother would push the issue with her, but was still not pleased with this development. She was truly not in the mood. Too many days of waking on the wrong side of the bed can leave one living on the wrong side of life.

“Kagome…don’t you think you’ve been spending a little too much time in your room?”

Her mother’s tone was gentle and understanding, but Kagome sensed a certain firmness underneath which suggested that the older woman had reached her breaking point on this. That didn’t mean the teen was ready to give in. Instead, she set her jaw and prepared for war.

“No, I don’t.”

“Well, I do,” her mother retorted, and though the sympathy in her voice was much reduced, it was still there. “You need to go outside, Kagome.”

“I don’t want to.”

“That’s too bad. You’re coming out of the house today, and that’s final.”

Kagome snorted. “So much for ‘I can’t tell you what to do anymore.’”

Mrs. Higurashi opened her mouth to deliver what would likely have been a scathing retort, but thought better of it. Her teeth ground together audibly as she took a deep breath to regain some semblance of composure. A small part of Kagome was grateful, the same part which felt guilty over her last comment. But that element of her consciousness was still decidedly in the minority, and she waited for her mother to speak with the goal of pouncing on whatever words she uttered next. Perhaps that was the reason Mrs. Higurashi took a few moments to choose her next words carefully, so as to avoid escalating the situation. Of the two of them, she had to be the mature adult. Kagome was most certainly not in the right state of mind for that. When Mrs. Higurashi did finally speak, her tone had receded once more toward ‘motherly,’ though it still maintained its fierce edge.

“Kagome, I understand how you feel, but–”

“How could you possibly understand how I feel?!” Kagome demanded thoughtlessly.

Her mother arched her brow, then spoke softly in a voice heavy with emotion. “Did you really just ask me how I could understand how it feels to lose a loved one?”

Kagome’s eyes flew as wide as saucers, her hand shooting to her mouth as if to forcibly retract her foolish words. Obviously that was impossible, no matter how hard she wished. Am I…really such a terrible person? All of the righteous anger which had sustained her belligerence to this point faded away, leaving only deep-seated sadness colored by new remorse for her behavior.

“S-Sorry, Mama,” she muttered, lying back down and curling dejectedly onto her side. She had released her pent-up grief and frustration upon her family, exactly what she’d vowed not to do. She wouldn’t blame her mother for not speaking to her for a while. Fortunately, Mrs. Higurashi was a better parent than that. Kagome heard approaching footsteps, then felt her mother sit at the foot of the bed. Her hand patted Kagome’s leg affectionately over the covers, causing the teen to curl further into herself in shame. She was surprised to feel her eyes moisten, though the tears did not fall yet. It was oddly comforting, the knowledge that she could still cry upon realizing how awful she’d been to those who loved her. Her mother didn’t say anything, bless her heart. For several minutes the two of them sat silently in the dark room, the only light sources the hallway and the window blocked by the shade.

Finally, Mrs. Higurashi spoke. “I really do understand how you feel, Kagome,” she stated solemnly. Rather than despairing, however, her voice was at least somewhat hopeful, granting the impression of an uplifting message.

“You were fairly young when your father died. I don’t know how much you remember. Custom dictated that you should be there after his body was cremated, but you were inconsolable at the funeral and I wanted to spare you that. So your grandfather and I were the only people there. Together we collected the bones from his ashes and put them in the urn. My hand was shaking so badly…to this day I don’t know how I held the chopsticks. Afterwards, your grandfather watched you for a few hours so I could grieve in peace. I went to my room and lay in my empty bed, just as you are doing now. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I wondered how I was going to raise you without him, and how I could hope to bring another child into this world and raise him without a father. It was one of the worst periods of my life.

“I tried to get out of bed several times, but I didn’t have the energy. Part of me wanted to stay in bed forever. To some extent, I suppose I lost the will to live. Then, after I don’t know how long, I heard a soft knocking on my door. A child’s voice, calling my name. It was you, Kagome. You were worried about me, and you snuck away from your grandfather to come find me. That’s what it took for me to rise from that bed. Your frightened voice, calling for your ‘Mama.’ Without that…I might have stayed in my room until Souta was born.

“You know the rest of the story. I jumped back into motherhood, and raised you and your brother on my own, with a little help from your grandfather. I would like to tell you that the pain of losing your father goes away, but it doesn’t. It fades with time, as all grief does, but it will never truly leave, nor do I want it to. Living, however, does get easier. Once you make the decision to rise from that bed, you find that moving on isn’t quite as difficult as you feared. Your life will never be the same…but you know that you are strong enough to make it.”

By this point, Kagome had long since given up any attempt to hold back her tears. Her mother’s words had inspired a rush of dormant or buried memories, and caused her to realize how long it had been since she’d thought of her father. She’d been in the feudal era for the last anniversary of his death and had missed it completely. But she did remember him, and considered herself blessed to have known him even for such a short time. One thing which she as a young child had never comprehended, however, was her mother’s own battle with grief. For the first time, Kagome realized just how deeply her mother understood what she was going through. And Inuyasha probably wasn’t even dead yet. She hadn’t been forced to stand over his lifeless corpse, or pick his bones from his ashes. There was still hope that he was alive and would one day return to her. And if not, her situation was still not as dire as her mother’s had been. Mrs. Higurashi had one person to help her raise two kids; Kagome carried a single child and had two whole families to support her, one on each side of the bone eater’s well. Given that her mother had come through her battle with grief and raised two fine, reasonably well-adjusted children, how could Kagome slip into despair when her path even in the worst case was not nearly as daunting? And how could she ever become a mother, if she couldn’t even bring herself to go on living, truly living, without Inuyasha? The answers were obvious, as was what she needed to do. But…am I strong enough to rise from this bed?

“Mama?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Will you…help me up?”

Mrs. Higurashi managed a watery smile, then stood and held out her hand. Kagome didn’t need help getting out of bed; she’d done it dozens of times over the past few days on her own to see to her body’s needs. But the symbolic nature of the act was not lost on either woman, as mother pulled daughter to her feet and they shared a warm embrace. When they finally parted, Kagome felt ready to face the world again. As she dried her tears, her mother strode over to the window and raised the shade. Kagome squinted against the light of the outside world, but she relished in the blue sky which she hadn’t seen in days. Hell, even that cursed bird’s warbling was starting to sound melodious again. Her mother glanced over her shoulder, but upon seeing her daughter’s acceptance she raised the window itself as well. Instantly a gentle breeze flowed into the room, stirring the stagnant air. Sampling the fresh air from the outside world caused Kagome to realize something unpleasant about the atmosphere she’d been breathing for most of the last seventy-two hours or more.

“It kinda stinks in here,” she declared, wrinkling her nose.

Her mother chuckled at that. “Well, I didn’t want to say anything, but I would definitely leave the window open for a while. And you might want to change your sheets too.”

Kagome grimaced and nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly with both recommendations. She wouldn’t have minded continuing the conversation, but standing up had caused the call of nature to shift from ‘pending but not terribly urgent’ to ‘go now or you’ll have to change your underwear.’ She heard her mother laughing at her awkward half-run, half-shuffle to the bathroom, but would not begrudge her for it. Especially not when the master chef called through the door that she was going to make lunch. Kagome’s stomach set to growling even as she finished emptying her bladder. She was really looking forward to finding out whether her suddenly malfunctioning sense of taste was back to normal.

While her mother went into the kitchen, Kagome sat on the couch and flipped on the TV in the hopes of turning off her brain for a little while. Souta was at school and Jii-chan was outside, so for now it was just the two of them in the house. A few peaceful minutes passed as Kagome listened to her mother’s workmanlike whistling over the mind-numbing dialogue of some mid-day TV drama, enjoying the utter lack of mental stimulation. But just as she was slumping into the couch and sinking into something akin to a comatose state, the phone rang.

“Can you answer that, Kagome?” her mother called. “My hands are dirty.”

Rolling her eyes, Kagome sent a mental reprimand to whoever had dared to disturb her relaxation, but nevertheless moved to comply.

“Moshi moshi,” she answered, managing to conceal the better part of her annoyance. There was a brief pause on the other end of the line.

“Kagome? Is that you?” It took the miko a few seconds to recognize the voice, since she hadn’t heard it in quite a while.

“Eri?”

“Hey! I didn’t expect you to answer the phone. Whenever we call your mom says you aren’t up to talking. You must be out of bed now though. Are you feeling any better?”

“Um…yeah, a little. I don’t think I’ll be going back to school anytime soon though.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. Are you up for a visit?”

Kagome grimaced and bit her lip. On the one hand, she would love to see her friends again. They had drifted apart during the past year due to her near-constant excursions to the feudal era, but prior to that they had been fairly close. They had always been good study partners, though as one of the ‘smart kids’ Kagome sometimes saw herself as more of a tutor than a fellow student. But she hadn’t minded because she liked them and they had fun together. They had also always been there for each other when needed. When Yuka’s older brother died in a car accident when she was twelve, she had leaned on them for emotional support and they had helped her get through it. And finally, they held each other’s secrets and confidences, a level of trust which had been earned over long years of companionship.

It was this last thought which gave Kagome pause. If she was going to have any sort of continuing relationship with Eri, Yuka, and Ayumi–something she desperately wanted–then she was going to have to tell them the truth at some point. If she feigned illness now, they would eventually move on. The phone calls Eri had mentioned would grow further and further apart, and would eventually cease altogether. She would lose them, just as she had already lost Inuyasha. It didn’t have to be that way. If upon learning of her pregnancy they decided they didn’t want to associate with her anymore, then at least she could say that she tried. In the worst case, they would spread a rumor or inform the school authorities. But even that wouldn’t make much of a difference to Kagome, since she didn’t intend to go to school or see most of her former classmates ever again. And she was confident that this scenario would not come to pass, at any rate. Even if her friends abandoned her, she believed she could trust them to keep her secret. And so, before she could second-guess herself, Kagome gave her reply.

“S-Sure, Eri. I’d love to see you guys.”

“Cool! We’ll come over after school, if that’s okay.”

“That’s fine. I’ll see you–hey, wait. Aren’t you at school now, Eri?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you calling me then?”

“Oh, you didn’t hear? I finally got a cell phone for my birthday! I’m calling from the roof.”

Kagome smiled softly. She’s calling you during her lunch break, Kagome. That’s how much they still care about you. Given that she had been an absentee friend for most of the past year, even that small gesture said a lot.

“Well, I’m glad you finally got a cell phone, Eri. I remember you wanted one for a long time.”

“I know, right? I swear my mom grew up in the nineteenth century, but she finally came around for my sixteenth birth–ugh, I think I hear the bell ringing, Kagome. See you later, okay?”

“Yep. I’ll look forward to it.”

As she hung up the phone, Kagome sighed and hung her head. What did I just get myself into? Going over her reasons again, she concluded that she was doing the right thing. Being nervous about it was only natural, she supposed. But the butterflies in her stomach did nothing to ruin her appetite, as she discovered when her mother called her in for lunch a few minutes later. She couldn’t repress a groan of pure pleasure as the first bite of oden touched her tongue. She had to forcibly restrain herself from gobbling down her food like a half-starved wild animal.

“Taste good, dear?” her mother teased, to which Kagome nodded enthusiastically. “Well, don’t hold yourself back on my account. It does my heart good to see you eating well.”

Kagome did discard her manners a bit after that, but still made sure to eat like a civilized person. Just because she missed Inuyasha didn’t mean she intended to start acting like him. The memories of him scarfing down instant ramen brought a smile to her face, but there was something she needed to say and eventually she pushed her plate to the side and worried her bottom lip.

“Is something wrong, Kagome?”

“Mama…do you mind taking a rain check on going to the park today?” Her mother frowned, and Kagome immediately understood her concern. “It’s not that I intend to go back to my room all day,” she added. “It’s just that Eri called, and I…invited her, Yuka, and Ayumi to come over.”

Mrs. Higurashi leaned back in her chair and studied her daughter carefully for a moment, as if to ascertain whether the teen understood the potential consequences of her decision. Seeing that her concerns were unfounded, the older woman nodded and smiled.

“I’ll take that rain check, then. I just want you to be happy, dear.”

“I know, Mama. Thanks.”

“After lunch why don’t you go back through the well and visit with your other friends? I’m sure they’re worried about you.”

Kagome sighed. “You’re probably right. I’d better bring Shippou-chan some pocky so he doesn’t yell at me.”

Mrs. Higurashi chuckled. “A man’s heart can always be won with food, Kagome, no matter how old he is. Never forget that.”

“And for some men you don’t even have to cook the food,” Kagome cracked, thinking of the eating preferences of the two ‘men’ in her life. Shippou would be happy to each pocky all day until he became a roly poly ball of fox flab, and making ramen did not qualify as cooking a meal. It was funny how Inuyasha could be so easy to satisfy at mealtime, and so impossible to deal with at other times.

The two women shared light conversation as they finished eating, and afterwards Kagome took a trip through the well as planned. Shippou was indeed angry that she’d been gone for so long, but the sweet treat pacified him as hoped. Preparations for Miroku and Sango’s wedding were in full swing. Miroku was working on erecting the couple’s future home, along with a handful of men from the village who had volunteered to help. Kagome couldn’t help but reflect that the process would be faster if aided by Inuyasha’s superhuman strength, but she couldn’t dwell on melancholy for too long, not with Sango anxiously making preparations of her own. She had borrowed some wedding attire from the village women, but didn’t like any of the kimono which had been offered. After a bit of gentle digging, Kagome finally got to the bottom of the issue–Sango had always wanted to be married in her mother’s kimono, which was of a different style than anything the locals owned. Unfortunately it had been ruined during the destruction of the taijiya village.

The solution was simple as far as Kagome was concerned–go shop for a kimono at the regional marketplace. Merchants came from fair distances to sell their wares, so odds were that someone had the style Sango was looking for. The challenging part was convincing the reserved taijiya that doing so would not be a waste of money. Obviously she was more concerned with the well-being of the family she intended to start with Miroku, and making sure they had sufficient funds to live comfortably and support the many children they both desired. But despite her disparaging comments concerning the proposed purchase–the words ‘silly’ and ‘wasteful’ were used, among others–it was clear to Kagome how much this meant to her friend. She eventually persuaded Sango to at least discuss the matter with her fiancé, who she secretly knew would agree with her wholeheartedly.

Miroku did just that, of course, as he also saw right through Sango’s dismissive act. Together, he and Kagome managed to convince the taijiya to at least travel to the market to see what they could find. Sango reluctantly agreed, but she was adamant that they would find a good deal or return home empty-handed. Relieved, Kagome let the matter drop, figuring that they could argue about what constituted a ‘good deal’ when they got to the market. She promised to return to the feudal era early the following morning to accompany Sango and Kirara. Miroku agreed to remain behind and continue working on their home, since he could be confident that both women would be well-protected. Sango and Kirara were formidable in their own right, and Kagome was no slouch against youkai opponents either. The monk did make them promise to be careful, and no doubt he would worry, but he evidently realized that he needed to trust in his fiancée’s judgment if their marriage was going to work. Without the Shikon no Tama, the odds of the women running into anything they couldn’t handle were extremely slim. And in that case, the presence of the now kazaana-less monk would probably make little difference.

That settled, Kagome visited with her friends for a couple more hours before returning to the modern era to meet her other friends. She sat in the living room nervously tapping the heel of her foot, watching the television yet not really digesting the content. When the doorbell finally rang, she jumped up and practically ran to the doorway. She heaved a sigh of relief upon glimpsing through the peephole that it was just the three girls outside; they hadn’t brought Hojo as she’d started to fear. Her recent ‘breakup’ with him was likely to blame for that, but Kagome was grateful nonetheless. After a deep, calming breath, she opened the door and welcomed her guests with a bright smile plastered on her face.

All of them choked on their return greetings, as three sets of eyes widened and panned down to stare at Kagome’s belly. She had chosen clothing which would not conceal her condition in any way, so their initial reaction came as no surprise. Nor did the way they failed on several attempts to find words, or began studiously gazing anywhere but her, all while fidgeting uncomfortably. Finally Kagome took mercy on them.

“Would you like to come in?”

This was the first test. If they were going to reject her, it would likely be right here. If they walked away now, Kagome would know that their friendship was not nearly as strong as she thought it was. Despite some hesitation, however, all three girls nodded and followed as she led them through the first floor and up the stairs to her bedroom. Mrs. Higurashi welcomed them from the kitchen, a greeting which they returned awkwardly. But no one suddenly turned and bolted from the house, which Kagome found at least somewhat encouraging. Their reactions had caused dormant feelings of shame to rouse within her, but that was to be expected also. She was a pregnant teenager in a society which frowned heavily upon such a thing; she was supposed to be ashamed. Still, she was only ashamed by the irresponsibility which had caused her to be in this situation in the first place, not by her decision to keep the baby. And if offered the chance to go back in time and do it all over again, she could in all honestly say that she would probably decline to do so. If it would mean giving up this life inside of her, with whom she had already bonded so much, then she didn’t think she would even want to go through with it.

Kagome left her friends sitting on her bed while she went to fetch the tea, figuring that giving them a few minutes to process the shocking revelation and talk amongst themselves might be beneficial. Sure enough, there was a whispered conversation going on when she returned, but it stopped before she could make out what they were saying. After serving the tea, she sat in her desk chair and turned to face them, trying to exude a mature, dignified manner. This time when she met each of their gazes in turn, none of them looked away. But no one seemed interested in being the first to speak, so Kagome took that burden upon herself.

“I’m sure you guys have a lot of questions,” she observed. “But why don’t I start from the beginning?” At their nods, Kagome did just that.

“I’ve told you before about my boyfriend, Inuyasha. You know, the ‘two-timing, short-tempered, violent’ one? Well, in complaining about his bad qualities I think I’ve given you an inaccurate portrait of him. I fell in love with Inuyasha for his good qualities. And I fully intended to share my life with him.

“One night about seven and a half months ago, we went to a party and drank too much. The party was my idea, so I don’t want you to blame Inuyasha for what happened next. In the morning I was pregnant, though I didn’t realize it until a few weeks later. Ever since then I’ve been hiding it from the school. The last time I went, Mama told them I was sick and needed to wear warm clothes. I had thought that would be the last time I ever saw you guys…but when Eri called this afternoon, I decided that it was time I told you the truth. I would like to still be friends…”

The girls exchanged glances with each other, but no one said or did anything to signal outright rejection. Kagome could see that they had questions, however, and waited patiently for one of them to gather the courage to speak.

“So, all this time,” Yuka stated quietly, “have you really been sick?”

Kagome tried not to grimace. She’d known this question would come up, and had an answer ready.

“No. There were times when I really was sick, but most of the time I was just with Inuyasha.”

“Y-y-you eloped?!” the other girl demanded in a scandalized voice.

“I guess you could say that,” Kagome admitted, forcing herself to speak slowly with a measured tone. “Though not in the traditional sense. Inuyasha and I only slept together once. Most of the time, we were with a group of mutual friends.”

“Doing what?”

Again Kagome held back a grimace. This was where the inevitable lies came in. She couldn’t tell her friends the whole truth, after all, or they’d probably try to have her committed.

“Nothing special, really. Just hanging out.”

Yuka frowned. “So let me get this straight. Instead of going to school, you’ve been spending all of your time with your boyfriend and the other members of his street gang? How could your mother allow–”

“Don’t blame anything on Mama,” Kagome interrupted, her voice somewhat raised. She quickly lowered it once more. “And Inuyasha isn’t in a gang. Look, spending time with Inuyasha and our friends, being part of that world…it quickly became every important to me. If Mama tried to forbid me from going to see them, I probably would have run away. I didn’t exactly give her much choice in the matter. She either had to accept the decisions I made…or lose her daughter.”

The girls pondered that in stunned silence for a few moments. Kagome received the distinct impression that they were quietly judging her, which again came as no surprise. Not many modern teenagers would make the life choices she had made, so she endeavored to provide further explanation.

“Inuyasha was my first love,” she confessed. “And I was following my heart. I think, in a way, that my feelings blinded me to what was really going on. But I loved being with him. I made lifelong friends and many happy memories.”

“But Kagome, what will you do now? You used to do so well in school. Didn’t you dream of a good career? Don’t you want to–”

“My dreams have changed, Yuka. I’m not the same person I used to be, and I don’t desire the same things. With the people I’ve known and the experiences I’ve had, I’ve come to realize that living a ‘normal’ life in this ti–city, will never make me truly happy.”

Yuka looked like she wanted to say more, but Ayumi interrupted with her first words of her conversation.

“What would make you happy, Kagome?”

The miko smiled at her soft-spoken friend; of the three of them, Ayumi was most likely to understand the concept of ‘thinking with one’s heart.’ She had always been the most romantically-inclined of Kagome’s modern companions, and the miko was glad that she was willing to try to see past her discarded dreams.

“Living in the country with Inuyasha and raising our child. That’s the only thing that will make me truly happy, Ayumi.”

“But…are you still with Inuyasha?”

Kagome sighed miserably, dropping the ‘cool and composed’ act for good. She had left plenty of hints concerning the deterioration of her relationship with Inuyasha, and it was only natural for her friends to ask about it. Here at least she could tell the truth, though perhaps not the whole truth.

“Inuyasha had to leave. I don’t know when he’ll be back.” Or if he’ll be back, she added in her head, though her friends seemed to understand the hidden meaning perfectly well.

“Kagome…” Eri muttered, and the miko knew the next words out of her mouth were going to urge her to move on from Inuyasha and put her life back together. Words she did not need to hear. She had put her life back together, just not the life that they and the rest of the modern world had in mind.

“I’ll be honest with you, Eri. I don’t know when Inuyasha will be back. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. Hell, he could be shacking up with his first girlfriend, for all I know. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. If he comes back, I’ll figure out what to do then. But for now, I have to move on without him.

“I’m excited to have this baby. I know that’s hard to understand, but it’s true. I’m scared too, of course, but I can’t wait to hold him in my arms. I thought about getting an abortion, but decided to keep the baby. That was my choice, not Inuyasha’s or anybody else’s. Even back then I knew that Inuyasha could offer me no guarantees, but I chose to keep my baby because I wanted to. He’s not even born yet and I already love him.

“Do I have any regrets? Of course I do. I wish I had handled things differently with Inuyasha. But I don’t regret becoming pregnant with his child. And I don’t think I ever will.”

The girls gazed at her in silence, comprehension dawning on their features. It was as though they finally saw her in a new light. Sympathy and reproach faded away, though not entirely. At last they began to see her as she saw herself, not as a victim of bad luck and foolish choices, but as someone who had forged her own path in life. It was a path few people chose willingly, but as in so many aspects of her life, Higurashi Kagome was the exception to the rule.

Finally, Eri broke the silence by sighing and resting her chin on her hands. “I feel like you’re five years older than us,” she stated, only half-joking.

“At least,” Yuka chimed in.

Kagome shrugged. “I’ve had to deal with a lot over the past year. I don’t feel like a teenager anymore. If I hadn’t grown up a bit, then I wouldn’t be able to raise a child, would I?” Although, I learned earlier today that I still have a lot of growing up to do…

“Probably not. I still don’t know how you can do it.”

“When you love someone, you find a way,” Kagome observed, referring to her unborn child. “I hope you guys find what makes you happy. If that’s a university and a high-powered career, then so be it. For my part, I’ll live a quiet life and raise my child. That will be good enough.”

A trio of hesitant but genuine smiles greeted Kagome’s latest statement, and the corners of the miko’s own lips curled up to match. It looked like her friends had finally come around, at least for the most part. Eri confirmed it with her next statement.

“As long as you’re happy, Kagome…”

“So you’re having a boy?” Ayumi interjected eagerly, as though she’d been waiting to ask about the baby the entire time.

“According to my last ultrasound,” Kagome replied brightly. And my miko senses, of course.

“What are you going to name him?”

“I haven’t decided yet.” I was hoping Inuyasha would help me name him, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. “Do you guys have any suggestions?”

The girls did indeed have suggestions for baby names. A lot of suggestions. Kagome was just starting to think that asking them was a mistake when her bladder began demanding release rather insistently, providing the perfect justification for excusing herself from the talkative teens. On her way back to her room, she decided that she felt like a healthy snack. After asking her friends if they wanted anything, she headed downstairs, passing her mother reading in the living room.

“How’s it going, dear?”

“Fine, Mama. They had a hard time with me being allowed to skip school and travel with Inuyasha, but I think they’re coming around.”

“Well, I understand that concern,” Mrs. Higurashi declared, closing her book. “To this day, I still wonder if I did the right thing.”

“You did, Mama. No matter how this turns out, you did the right thing.”

Mrs. Higurashi grinned and shook her head. “Because you feel that way is the reason I can sleep at night. You haven’t always made the best choices, Kagome, but you always move forward with your head held high. Well…most of the time at least. Sometimes it takes a little gentle encouragement,” she joked, before her tone became serious once more. “I’m proud of you, dear.”

“Thanks, Mama. It…means a lot to hear you say that.”

“So how much did you tell them?”

“I’m being as honest as I can, but obviously there are certain details I have to leave out.”

“I figured as much. They’re better off not knowing all the fantastical, unbelievable details. If you say too much they’ll probably tell me to ship you off the loony bin.”

“Some days I think I belong there,” Kagome joked, grinning wryly.

“Don’t go getting yourself committed, young lady,” her mother scolded playfully. “I’d like to be grandmother to your baby, not legal guardian. You know, the person who gets to spoil the child rotten, then give him back to ‘Mama’ for all the parenting.”

Kagome rolled her eyes and went into the kitchen. She knew her mother was just playing with her; if for any reason she proved incapable of raising her child, Mama Higurashi would step in without complaint. She didn’t want to serve as a substitute parent, but would do so if necessary. It was a great comfort to know that there were several people willing and able to care for her son in an emergency, on both sides of the well.

None of her friends wanted anything to eat, but Kagome cut up two pieces of fruit just in case they changed their minds. The bowl had indeed been picked clean by the time Eri, Yuka, and Ayumi departed about an hour later, and Kagome knew she hadn’t eaten every slice. While conversing with them had not been ‘just like old times,’ the miko felt that they were truly friends again, rather than casual acquaintances she saw once in a while at school. They had promised to keep her secret, and Kagome had faith that if her baby possessed any unusual features–canine ears, for example–then they would keep his secrets as well. Ayumi was especially excited to meet him; given her disposition, Kagome was not surprised to learn that she loved kids. Eri and Yuka were looking forward to it as well, but in more of a ‘he’s cute, but I’m glad he’s not mine’ sort of way. Those two would likely pursue high-paying careers right out of university, and only worry about marrying and having children later in life.

To each his own. That was a mantra Kagome would be content to live by, and hoped that her friends would embrace it as well. They made plans to see each other again in the not too distant future, and as she went to sleep that night, Kagome reflected that she was really glad she’d found the courage to talk to them. She would look forward to their next meeting, but in the meantime, she had plenty to keep her busy. Tomorrow it would be a trip to the market with Sango, and after that, she would adapt to what came. To use a common cliché, she would take it one day at a time. She was lucky to have an abundance of friends and family nearby to help her.

Kagome had a feeling that her battle with grief was not yet decided. But at the moment, grief was losing, and it wasn’t even close.


A/N – The timeline here assumes that Kagome had been traveling with Inuyasha for a little less than five months prior to becoming pregnant, which I think is reasonable given the canon timeline. Portraying her as a stubborn teenager was new for me, but that’s what she is. For whatever maturity a person may carry herself with under normal circumstances, during times of grief we often revert to the worst version of ourselves. Everyone needs a little ‘tough love’ once in a while.