InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Blackout ❯ If You'll Have Me ( Chapter 45 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: King Baka 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Adventure / Angst | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 07.13.2015 | Pages: 14 | Words: 9.8K | Visits: 1.1K | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Adventure / Angst | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 07.13.2015 | Pages: 14 | Words: 9.8K | Visits: 1.1K | Status: Work In Progress
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known
characters, plot, etc. I’m just renting them from
Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc. I do own the plot of this
story and any original characters I’ve created. I will
make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the
enjoyment of my readers.
If You’ll Have Me
Inuyasha’s hand subconsciously drifted up to his chest, as if to prevent his wildly beating heart from leaping out of his body. He was practically hyperventilating, with sweat beading on his brow. His normally comfortable fire-rat robes felt unbearably hot, and he was sorely tempted to loosen or even remove them altogether. But that would be a form of retreat, and would not help him gather the courage to move forward. Sighing, he gazed up at the roof of the well house, illuminated by the waning daylight shining in through the cracks in the doorway.
To be in such sorry shape, when he hadn’t even pulled himself out of the manmade hole in the ground? It was pretty embarrassing, and he was glad that no one was here to bear witness. The little pep talk he’d given himself in the feudal era had carried him through to Kagome’s time, but all of his momentum was now completely dissipated. How long had he been down here? A few minutes? An hour? Part of him felt as though his whole life had been building up to this moment. He hated being weak. For years he’d viewed revealing any hint of weakness as tantamount to flirting with death. But in order to win the future he so desired, he needed to place his life in the hands of another, to leave himself more vulnerable than he’d ever been. He had to give Kagome his heart, as well as the power to crush it.
He snorted and shook his head. Kagome already has that power, whether you give it to her or not. That thought oddly made him feel a little better. He was already vulnerable. He had already let her into his heart, and would never be able to evict her even if he wanted to. Now he just needed to fully open himself, to complete the process which Kagome had started over a year ago, on the day they first met. When viewed in that light, his task seemed less daunting. He didn’t honestly believe she would reject him. Well, not really, aside from the persistent doubts which always lurked in the darkest corner of his mind. That was not the reason he hesitated. No, the greatest force which held him back was guilt. For he would have to explain to Kagome why he had lost to Hakago, why he’d let his heart become corrupted when there was no good reason for it to be corrupted. He’d let darkness take him away from her for months, a darkness which never should have existed. How much had she suffered? How much grief had his foolishness caused?
He shook his head again, harder this time. If his thoughts turned down that path, he might never leave this well house. Kagome was a forgiving person. If he was truthful and repentant, she would forgive him. Perhaps not all at once, but eventually. And if all went well, he would have a lifetime to make amends.
But that was a worry for another day. He needed to move forward, to take one step at a time, the first ‘step’ being to leap out of this cursed hole in the ground. He did so, then strode over to the door and placed his ear against it. Upon hearing no sign of anyone on the shrine grounds, he cracked open the door and peeked his head out. He sighed in relief on finding the grounds deserted. The last thing he needed was Kagome’s kid brother or her stuffy old grandfather discovering him first; he might just lose all of his nerve and run back to the feudal era if that happened. The trick would be getting Kagome’s attention without alerting her relatives to his presence. But before that, another ‘step’ loomed—namely, emerging from the well house.
It felt like leaving a nice, cozy home to go trek through a blizzard, but he managed. And with each tentative step toward the Higurashi household, his heartbeat kicked up a notch. Finally he realized that he was behaving like a nervous deer, and moved forward with more confidence. It was time to man up, which is difficult to do when one is performing his best imitation of a scared little boy. Most of Inuyasha’s newfound confidence was artificial, but it got the job done. Before he knew it, he found himself standing in the shadow of the house, barely ten paces from the front door.
Now, here is where he ran into his dilemma. How could he get Kagome’s attention without alerting her family? More than likely, they would follow her out the door to see what the fuss was about. But he wanted to see her first, not one of her relatives. Contacting her directly would probably be the easiest way to assure this, but her window was closed and her shades were drawn. Since she hadn’t noticed his aura yet, he deduced that she was probably asleep. And knocking on or throwing pebbles at the window just seemed like a really lame way to greet the woman he loved for the first time in several months.
His aura…that might be the way to go. Even in her sleep, she would surely sense his aura if he made it powerful enough. And no one else in the family would, least of all her fake priest of a grandfather. Since he didn’t have any better ideas, Inuyasha decided to try that approach. Sure enough, the flaring of his youki bore immediate results. He thought he heard Kagome gasp from inside her bedroom, though that might have been his imagination. He knew he did not imagine the sound of feet moving quickly but carefully down the stairs, or her voice telling her family members to stay inside the house. His brow furrowed at the fear in her tone, and he was initially unable to comprehend the reason behind it. Before he had much time to think about it, however, the front door slid open and out stepped the woman whom he intended to make his wife. At her sudden appearance, Inuyasha’s frazzled mind slipped helplessly into stupor.
Kagome was nothing short of radiant. She wore a knee-length maternity dress which covered her shoulders but bore no sleeves. The vibrant color scheme reminded one of a windy spring afternoon, with flowers of every variety dancing in the breeze. The material was loose enough to be comfortable, but form-fitting enough to reveal her figure. Her breasts seemed larger than Inuyasha remembered, set above the beautiful swell of her belly. By the look of things, his son or daughter would be born in a matter of weeks. Obviously, the dress doubled as sleepwear, at least for a late afternoon nap. Kagome’s face was slightly pale from her slumber, her hair disheveled in the most delightful way. A cool wind blew up, tossing the already tousled strands behind her and framing her beautiful face. If he tried for the rest of his days, Inuyasha would never be able to conjure up words capable of doing her justice. She was a goddess, a mother and a warrior all wrapped into perfection. And when she spoke, both sides of that divine coin were on display.
“Who are you?” she demanded.
Her voice should have been as sweet as the melody of water flowing down a tranquil forest stream. Instead, her words crashed against his skull like a wave pummeling against rock. As confused as he was right now, Inuyasha’s head might as well have been made of stone. He had not anticipated her hostility, nor the bow clutched firmly in her left hand or the arrow in her right. The bowstring was drawn taunt, the projectile aimed straight for his heart. Her jaws were clenched, her lips drawn in a thin line. Her eyes blazed with passion, an unquenchable fury he had only seen directed at those who sought to harm the people she loved. But there was softness in her dark orbs as well, a cautious hope, beaten down but never banished. It was this which Inuyasha focused on as he scrambled to figure out why Kagome was looking at him with such hostility.
Mrs. Higurashi’s frightened gasp provided the clue he needed. She and the rest of the family had followed Kagome out of the house as anticipated, each of them looking at him as though they weren’t sure whether they knew him or not. That analogy, he realized, was probably close to the truth. Obviously he had not thought this through very well. Shit! They think I’m still possessed by Hakago! Hadn’t he just been through this with Miroku and the others? So logically Kagome and her family would fear the same thing, would they not? Yet somehow, he’d been so focused on what Kagome would say to him and vice versa, that he neglected to consider that she wouldn’t even know it was him! Evidently he’d left his intelligence five hundred years in the past. This reunion was off to a fabulous start.
“I’ll ask once more,” Kagome stated, drawing the bowstring back even further. “Who are you?”
“I-It’s me, Kagome!” Inuyasha tried, raising his hands. She narrowed her eyes, ostensibly so they could maintain their hard edge. But when she spoke, her voice could not quite sustain the same level of fierceness. She wanted to believe him so badly, but the lives of her family and her child were at stake.
“Are you willing to prove it?”
Inuyasha nodded automatically. He doubted there was anything in this world which he would not do to convince Kagome that he was himself again. She nodded.
“Osuwari!”
Inuyasha tensed for the imminent impact of his face against the hard pavement, but the subjugation spell never activated. The rosary remained around his neck, but it felt like nothing more than a simple necklace. Hakago…he probably used the Shikon no Tama to break the rosary’s hold over me. The less mature side of him started dancing a little jig inside of his head, but now he had another problem. Namely, how was Kagome supposed to restrain him now? It wasn’t surprising that the infant had moved to limit her ability to control him, though Inuyasha did wonder why he had left the necklace in place. Probably for an insidious purpose, the hanyou reflected, involving an eventual confrontation with Kagome and the miko seeing the rosary in place and letting her guard down. He was secretly proud of her for doing nothing of the sort; her readiness to fire the arrow had never wavered, even as she shouted the command. And fortunately, Kagome had prepared for this possibility.
“Mama, please reach into my pocket and hand me the slip of paper there.”
Inuyasha knew what was next, and he sent a mental note of gratitude to Miroku. He didn’t know what other options existed for verifying his identity, but the use of a restraining sutra would be quick and relatively painless. Somewhat humiliating, but he would bear it without complaint. He didn’t dare move a muscle until Kagome told him to sit on the ground, which he did slowly and deliberately, all the while having flashbacks to his recent conversation with Shiori and Shizu. Absent Kagome’s spiritual energy, the two situations would be almost identical.
Kagome released her grip on the arrow, snatched the sutra from her mother’s hand, charged it with reiki and threw it all in one smooth motion, before immediately drawing the arrow again. The flurry of movement left barely a second of vulnerability, which would have been difficult to exploit even if Inuyasha had intended to do so. Instead he simply observed her, with equal parts awe and pride. The effectiveness of the sutra was just as impressive; what Kagome lacked in skill compared to Miroku, she made up for in raw power. Inuyasha considered himself fortunate that his involuntary muscle movements still functioned—heartbeat and breathing chief among them. The restraining seal was probably more effective than it needed to be; a more experienced miko might use less reiki to conserve energy and make the seal more durable. But it was perfect for Kagome’s purposes, and Inuyasha was glad to see her taking no chances, even if the result was more pain on his part.
She approached him warily, refusing to make eye contact for more than a split-second. Perhaps she was not completely confident in her ability to gauge his truthfulness, and did not wish to make her task more emotionally challenging than it already was. This impression was confirmed by the inspection she performed with her reiki, which probed deeper and continued longer than Miroku’s had. It was as though some deep-seated insecurity prevented her from believing what each one of her body’s senses were telling her. What turned the tide for her was their child’s aura, reaching out to its father for the first time. Inuyasha gasped. My son…that’s my son… Finally Kagome met his gaze, whatever hardness remaining within her dark orbs dissipating like the clouds after a summer squall. Her lower lip trembled, her eyes filling with moisture. The next thing Inuyasha knew, she had flung herself into his lap, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and burying her face in his shoulder.
Inuyasha’s youki flared angrily, fighting against the sutra which kept him from reciprocating her display of affection. He was beset by an almost primal need to hold her, and being prevented from doing so would soon threaten to drive him mad. Fortunately Kagome sensed his inner struggle and reached up with a hand to remove the sutra. The instant the diabolical piece of paper left his skin, Inuyasha embraced his mate, ensconcing her within the folds of his haori. He shifted her more comfortably in his lap and held her as tightly as he dared, whispering soothing words against her hair. I’m here, Kagome. Please don’t cry. I’m here, and I’m never leaving again.
“All right, back inside the house,” he heard Mrs. Higurashi order. Kagome’s brother and grandfather began to protest, but one look from the matriarch of the family was enough to silence them. Inuyasha nodded in gratitude, a gesture which was hesitantly returned. He could tell that he and Mrs. Higurashi would be having a lengthy discussion later. While that was not something he looked forward to, he understood its necessity. She was hopefully going to be his mother-in-law; she deserved answers almost as much as Kagome did.
Speaking of Kagome, she remained in his lap, motionless except for the occasional involuntary shudder as she cried quietly against his haori. Inuyasha hated it, yet appreciated her tears at the same time. For these tears were not born of sadness, but of joy. He could understand why she would feel emotionally overwhelmed; he was having trouble keeping his own eyes dry, in fact. A few happy tears did manage to sneak past his eyelids, but he wore them with pride, only wiping them away as Kagome’s own sobs began to wind down to sniffles. Hoping she wouldn’t mind, Inuyasha finally gave into temptation and placed his hand against her belly. He swore he felt the child within kick, greeting his father physically as he had already greeted him with his youki. My son… The realization stole his breath away. He would have been just as thrilled with a daughter, but to finally know the child’s gender, to be able to refer to him as a ‘him’ rather than an ‘it,’ was nothing short of amazing.
Kagome unwrapped her arms from around his neck and reached down to place her hand atop his own, entwining their fingers against her belly. Finally she pulled back enough to meet his gaze. Inuyasha’s breath caught in his throat. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, and her cheeks were still too pale for his liking, but his heart leapt with the sheer brilliance of her smile. For a few blissful moments, their hearts beat as one. Kagome’s free hand came up to caress his cheek, as if to confirm that his presence was not a product of some wonderful dream.
“You’re back, Inuyasha,” she murmured, her tone still somewhat uncertain. Inuyasha grinned.
“Yeah, wench, I’m back.”
He cringed inwardly at his own words, suddenly fearing that he’d ruined the moment by using that nickname. But Kagome only chuckled, relaxing completely as though the sentiment had confirmed that he was actually real, rather than a figment of her imagination.
“I never realized how much I missed hearing that.”
“Or ‘osuwari,’” he added honestly, joining her in quiet laughter.
“I could always see if Kaede-baa-chan can reactivate the spell…”
“Don’t you dare, wench.”
Kagome’s eyes widened slightly in surprise at his confident response, and Inuyasha knew why. She understood how much he feared his youkai side, or rather, how much he used to fear it.
“I’m not afraid of that part of me anymore,” he declared, his voice dropping into a grave tenor. “Even if I transform, I’ll never hurt the people I…care about.”
Inuyasha knew at once that his serious statement had caused the jovial mood between them to shift. Was that for better or for worse? Was he flailing around in the dark with no sense of direction, or did he instinctively know where to go? Either way, as Kagome’s smile faded and she pulled back from his embrace, Inuyasha knew that the hard part of the conversation was just beginning.
“Come on, let’s go somewhere else,” he proposed, helping Kagome to her feet. “Are you cold?”
She shook her head, which Inuyasha was grateful for. If she wasn’t cold, then they didn’t necessarily have to go inside. He was always more comfortable out here, in nature where he had grown up. Obviously a feudal era forest would be better, but he didn’t want to push his luck. This wasn’t all about him, after all. Fortunately, there was one place in this time where both of them could feel connected to past, present, and future. He led her there, his grip on her hand light enough so as to be easily broken. Kagome followed without resistance, but he could feel the awkwardness forming between them as they stopped under Goshinboku’s branches. When he turned to her with a silent question, she frowned. Instead of acquiescing to his nonverbal request to take her up into the tree, she led him over to the stone bench off to the side of the fenced in area. He tried to tell himself that it was only because of her condition, that she feared becoming sick if she perched too high off the ground. But with the suddenly somber atmosphere hanging over them, he couldn’t quite convince himself.
Kagome seated herself on the bench, her back and shoulders tensed, her hands wringing nervously in her lap. Inuyasha followed suit, crossing his arms and concealing his hands in the folds of his haori to avoid the same fidgeting. A space lay between them, only a fraction of a meter in reality, but appearing as an unfathomably deep canyon to Inuyasha. This is where all of his hastily-constructed resolve should come in. The only way to bridge that ever-widening gap was to open up to Kagome more than he’d ever opened up to anyone in his entire life. But every potential way his mind could conjure up to begin that conversation sounded stupid, and the fear of saying the wrong thing left him hopelessly paralyzed. Kagome let the oppressive silence drag on for a time, but eventually she took the burden of speaking first upon herself.
“So…how did you break free of Hakago’s control?”
Inuyasha grimaced, glad that the ice had been broken but not especially pleased by the initial topic of conversation.
“Kikyou freed me,” he answered simply. Kagome must have seen something in his expression, because her next question was delivered as though she already knew the answer.
“Is she…okay?”
Inuyasha’s eyes lowered, his shoulders slumping with old pain. “No, she…passed on.”
“I see. I’m sorry, Inuyasha,” Kagome stated sincerely, her voice colored with sorrow. At that moment, Inuyasha could not imagine her sadness to be anything other than genuine sympathy.
“Thanks,” he replied, allowing his mind to drift back to Kikyou’s last sunset, the evening when they had bade each other goodbye for the final time. The ensuing silence stretched on for several minutes, and as the setting of the sun cast the world in shades of gloom, the imaginary canyon between hanyou and miko grew wider and more foreboding. Finally Kagome spoke, her attempt at a lighter tone failing miserably.
“I…I-I’m glad you’re back. It’s g-great that our child won’t have to grow up without a father.”
Inuyasha started at the sound of her voice, breaking from his mournful musings only to be driven into profound confusion by her statement. He frowned as he gazed at her. How could her words be so at odds with her tone and body language? Her back was straight as a rod, her hands clutching her knees as if needing the support. Her lower lip was held so tightly between her teeth that it was a wonder she hadn’t drawn blood. Most disturbing of all, she kept her eyes glued firmly to the pavement in front of her, refusing to permit even the smallest chance of making eye contact with him.
Even her words were strange. Her hesitation, her difficulty in getting them out, and the content itself…none of it was what Inuyasha had expected. ‘I’m glad you’re back’ should have been ‘I’m glad to have you back.’ Or there should have been some acknowledgement that he was not solely the father of her child, but also the man she intended to spend her life with. The complete absence of anything of the sort was downright frightening. Had he been wrong about her feelings? Did she…still love him? Before he could spend much time contemplating that dreaded question, Kagome stood suddenly.
“I’m tired,” she declared miserably. “I’m going to lie down.”
The scent of her renewed tears hit Inuyasha like some great oni’s fist. Though receiving a bludgeoning from said oni would be preferable to this, scrambling around blindly in the dark hoping not to fall. But he was already losing his balance. This was wrong, all wrong. Kagome’s hesitation, her tears, the sorrow he could feel radiating off of her, it was all… An epiphany came upon him suddenly, just as his mind was turning down a dark path, forged by decades of loneliness and self-loathing. The greatest wrong here would be to attribute Kagome’s rejection to a change in romantic feelings. She still loved him. How he knew this, he couldn’t say, but it came from deep within, an almost instinctual source. Perhaps it was his heart speaking to him? In any case, for once Inuyasha decided to listen.
In doing so, he realized something which he had not noticed before. If Kagome no longer loved him, why would she seem so close to breaking down emotionally? Informing him would be difficult, for sure, and perhaps she would cry when she did so. But not like this. Her scent would speak of sadness and sympathy, not crushing despair. Her eyes would no doubt reflect that same sympathy, but they would also plead with him to understand and implore him to remain in her life as a friend and co-parent. Most crucially, she would look at him rather than doing her absolute best not to look at him.
So if Kagome’s behavior did not indicate that her feelings for him had changed, then what was the cause? Did she believe that his feelings had changed? Her words would support that assumption. It didn’t seem quite right, but he was out of contemplation time. Kagome was already striding away from him, each footstep like the tolling of hell’s bells, counting down toward the expiration of his existence. For he sensed that if he allowed her to walk away now, whatever the two of them might have had together would perish. He would never get another chance.
“Wait, Kagome!”
Fueled by desperation, he leapt to his feet and closed the distance between them in an instant, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to a halt. His grip was no doubt slightly uncomfortable for her, but that was the point. He couldn’t let her get away. If that meant restraining her physically for a brief time until she agreed to listen to him, until she looked at him, then so be it. Even with her arm pulled behind her and her body twisted to the side, Kagome still refused to raise her eyes. It was disturbing enough to finally spur Inuyasha to truly say something for the first time in the entire conversation.
“Kagome…I, I mean, you—” Growling to himself, he took a quick breath to jumble together his thoughts. “Kagome, being a father to our child is not the only thing I came back here for…”
There. Inuyasha mentally patted himself on the back. It wasn’t explicit and hadn’t been delivered with the meaningful tone he was looking for, but Kagome would understand that statement. It was clear that she did, though again her reaction was not what the hanyou was expecting. She closed her eyes and shook her head as a small sigh of pure misery escaped her, a woman resigned to her fate and wondering why arriving at said fate had to be so difficult.
“I think it is.”
Inuyasha’s eyes narrowed. Just as he thought, she was making stupid assumptions about his motives and desires. The misunderstanding should be easily correctable…if he could find the words. Perhaps his rising irritation would help with that? So long as the words didn’t have to be flowery or especially mature, that is.
“No, it’s not, wench.”
“I truly think it is.”
“No, Kagome, it’s n—”
“In any case!” she interrupted sharply. “The father of your child is all that you are going to be. Now release me.”
“Not until you shut up for a second and listen to me!” Inuyasha retorted, stepping toward her and tightening his grip.
“I said, release me!!!”
Inuyasha cried out as a burst of reiki sent sparks of pain lancing through his hand. He abandoned his grip out of reflex, stumbling back a couple steps in shock. A hint of remorse leaked past the fury blazing in Kagome’s eyes, but she was obviously in no state of mind to apologize. Instead she turned and resumed her march to the house. Now fueled by anger as well as desperation, Inuyasha took off in pursuit, matching her stride for stride as he glared sideways at her.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Kagome? I came back here to be with you. With you! Isn’t that what you wanted?!”
“So what?!” she shrieked, turning suddenly to face him with both fists clenched at her sides. “Since when have I ever gotten what I wanted in this relationship?”
Inuyasha’s jaw flapped like that of a fish stranded on a riverbank, and his eyes flew wide as true comprehension began to dawn. But Kagome was nowhere near finished.
“I gave up over a year of my life for you, Inuyasha. Not for Naraku and not for the damn jewel. For you. I gave you my virginity and then carried your child for over eight months. And did I ever so much as balk at the so-called ‘commitment’ you tried to feed me? No, like a fool I accepted your shit, hoping that one day you would return my feelings. And what is my reward? Only disappointment and heartache.”
She sighed, raising her hand to her temple as if the conversation was making her physically ill. When she dropped her arms to her sides moments later, she was a completely different person.
“Go ahead and tell me that you love me, Inuyasha,” she stated, her tone harsh but pleading with him to understand. “I’ll believe you. I’m sure that you do love me, in some sense. And I’m sure your intentions in wanting to be with me are honorable. But you love Kikyou. You chose Kikyou. And that is something I cannot accept if we’re going to be together.
“This is going to sound cruel, but I don’t know how else to say it. I refuse to be your consolation prize, Inuyasha. You have feelings for two women, and since only one of them is able to be with you now, the decision has basically been made for you. I understand that. But since deep down you wish that Kikyou could occupy the empty place by your side, I will not take it. I am not that kind of woman. I would rather stay just friends, or if you can’t accept that, then we…we will never see each other again except for our child’s sake.”
Inuyasha lowered his head until his bangs covered the upper half of his face, his eyes glowing with cold rage. Those bastards… But then, he couldn’t blame this solely on Miroku and Sango, now could he? You did a stupid thing, you dumbass. You told them to convince Kagome not to chase you, then asked them to tell her something which would definitely make her want to chase you! It was obvious which of the two directives their friends had given priority. And now Kagome thought he only wanted to be with her because Kikyou was dead. She still thought she was second best. He would figure out who to blame for this later—himself, most likely—but for now he simply prayed that he could repair the damage the fateful omission had caused.
“They didn’t tell you, did they?” he rasped without raising his head.
“W-What?” Kagome stuttered, obviously caught off guard by the question. “Who didn’t tell me what?”
“Miroku and Sango! Did they tell you what I said just before I took Hakago from you?”
“They said you had asked them not to let me go looking for you. What does that have to do with anything?”
“Not that,” he grumbled, simultaneously relieved that his hypothesis was correct, and dreading having to repeat the words to her face. “What I said was…was…”
“It doesn’t m—”
“It does matter, Kagome!” he yelled, finally raising his head to lock eyes with her. She gasped at the fierceness of his expression, his emotions now unconcealed by hesitation and nerves. No longer would such things keep him from saying what needed to be said. That didn’t mean it was easy.
“Dammit…what I said was…I chose you.”
A rapid intake of air was the only audible sign Kagome gave that she’d heard him, but her expression morphed into one of profound disbelief, colored by the barest hints of hope. It was the latter which Inuyasha latched onto for support as he continued to strip off the armour covering his heart, piece by stubborn piece.
“By then, I had made my decision. Whether or not Kikyou was still alive, I chose you. You, Kagome.” He snorted softly, averting his gaze. “It was always you. Even when I was too stupid to realize it.” Silence settled over them for several long moments before Kagome spoke.
“I—I don’t…”
“Believe me?” he finished. Trust me? A glanced revealed that he’d hit the nail on the head. No matter how badly she wanted to believe him, those words alone were not enough to convince her. Not after he’d so foolishly mourned after Kikyou in Kagome’s presence earlier. It had been just that, mourning, but Kagome had obviously taken it to mean much more. He supposed he could just tell her to talk to Miroku and Sango to verify his story, but what would that prove? Only that he was still a closed off little boy incapable of revealing his true feelings to anyone. Such a spineless person was unworthy of Kagome’s love. Starting today, he would no longer be that kind of man.
“I’ll tell you when I first realized…my feelings. It was inside the youkai graveyard. Were you conscious for any of that?” he asked, wondering if her experiences while possessed by Hakago were similar to his own. A small nod from her confirmed it. “I never should have been able to penetrate Housenki’s ‘unbreakable’ armour. Do you know what finally allowed me to beat him?”
Kagome gave a tiny shake of her head, and Inuyasha sensed that she would hold her breath until he answered his own question, even if it mean asphyxiating herself. Still the hanyou took a few moments to prepare himself, to utter this word for perhaps the first time in his adult life. He refused to stutter, or to feel any uncertainty when he gave voice to this truest of emotions, the single syllable with the power to change everything.
“Love.”
Kagome’s gasp resounded into the night. By her own admission, she had prepared herself to hear and reject such a confession from him this evening. But not like this. Not with his eyes glowing like that or in the midst of a lengthy explanation of how all of her assumptions about their relationship were wrong. An explanation which both pulled at her heartstrings and was starting to make deeply logical sense. Still struck speechless, the miko watched as her hanyou removed another piece of armour from around his heart, discarding it like trash, never to be worn in her presence again.
“Thinking of you…gave me the strength to break Housenki’s armour. It also kept me from losing myself when I grabbed the corrupted Shikon fragment. Ever since then, it’s kept me alive. Without it, I wouldn’t be here right now. Without you, Kagome…I’d be lost.
“You said earlier that you would believe me if I told you that…I loved you. Well, now you’ve heard me say it twice. Do you believe me?”
Inuyasha stood tall, feeling more alive than he’d ever felt before, and more nervous as well. He still couldn’t believe he’d managed to get all of that out, but once he got started the words had flowed out one after another, like water bursting through a dam. He gazed at her, willing his eyes to reflect the silent truth—that when he spoke of love, he did not mean ‘in some sense.’ He meant in all senses, in every possible way a man could love a woman. And he didn’t mean only until death did them part; this was for all eternity. If eventually fate placed them on opposite sides of the great divide between life and death, then their souls would reunite when both of them crossed over. Most importantly, he would never long for Kikyou, or dwell on what might have been but for her premature death. He had chosen Kagome, the woman he truly loved. Many months ago had he made the choice, only realizing it later, and confessing it later still. Now with his heart laid bare before her, it was up to Kagome to accept him. He could not offer her anything more than he was right now; he had nothing left to give. He could only pray that it was enough.
Kagome stared at him for some time, her expression revealing a great internal conflict. Inuyasha observed silently, determined to give her the time she needed, especially when it appeared that her state of mind was gradually turning in his favor. Faith and love rose to battle for her consciousness, slowly overcoming the stubborn doubt which had taken hold there. But her previous convictions refused to disperse so easily, and eventually she averted her gaze and took to biting her lower lip. Inuyasha recognized the gesture. As much as Kagome wanted to believe him, she needed more. For he still had not answered the question which had always caused a rift to form between them. What about Kikyou? The elder miko was dead, but in what emotional state had she returned to the afterlife? Did she expect to reunite with her beloved when he finally joined her in death? Inuyasha had tried to answer this question by visual rather than vocal means, but he did not blame Kagome for needing to hear the words. Some things were simply too important to communicate in silence, as clearly illustrated by their conversation this evening. For once, Inuyasha decided not to make Kagome ask the question.
“Kikyou…was not killed by Hakago,” he stated, overcoming the sudden tightness in his throat. His sadness was still fresh, but it was not strong enough to prevent him from moving forward.
“She wasn’t killed,” he repeated after a short but heavy pause. “Kikyou…chose to die, because…because she accepted how I feel about you. And…how you feel about me.”
Kagome’s gaze turned contemplative as if she realized something for the first time. Perhaps it was the fact that the piece of soul which Kikyou stole from her should have been returned when the other miko passed on. She closed her eyes and her spiritual energy flared up, its focus inward. Her eyelids twitched as though searching for something, some hidden truth, some element of Kikyou’s consciousness which might have returned with the soul, and which might reveal the elder miko’s feelings.
Inuyasha could tell exactly when Kagome found what she was looking for. Her reiki subsided abruptly, and she lowered her head, tears pooling swiftly behind her closed eyelids and flowing down her cheeks. When she raised her head moments later and once more revealed her beautiful eyes to his questing gaze, all of the doubt had vanished.
Nothing more needed to be said. Kagome finally accepted his feelings, completely and without reservation. But to his own surprise, Inuyasha was not yet ready to end his confession. There was one more thing he wanted to say. It was a strange sensation for a man so used to avoiding serious conversation at all costs. But his heart would not be satisfied until it had shed every bit of armour, and one stubborn piece remained. Not for long.
“You’re the one I chose, Kagome, the only woman I want. If you’ll have me…I’m yours. Now, and forever.”
Kagome’s bottom lip quivered, but a brilliant smile quickly spread over her features, even as more moisture pooled in her eyes.
“I’ll have you, Inuyasha,” she stated softly. “Now, and forever.”
She opened her arms in invitation, and Inuyasha did not waste a moment in striding over and embracing her tightly. And as she wrapped her arms around his back, he was enveloped in a sensation of indescribable warmth. He was finally where he belonged. He was finally home.
He and Kagome remained that way for several minutes, as she cried lightly into his haori. Inuyasha was unsuccessful at completely restraining his own tears, though he did not try very hard. Such a thing was no longer important. Eventually her periodic shuddering ceased, and she simply breathed deeply through her nose. Inuyasha thought she might have been savoring his scent, as he had been doing ever since first embracing her. That would be a little strange, since humans had such bad noses, but no stranger than the fact that she loved him in the first place. That was the single greatest miracle the world had ever seen, and he would spend the rest of his life cherishing it.
A cold wind blew in suddenly, fluttering Kagome’s dress and causing the young miko to shiver against him. For the first time, Inuyasha realized how dark it had become, to say nothing of the ominous clouds moving in overhead. He needed to get his pregnant mate out of the elements before the weather took a turn for the worse.
“Come on, let’s go inside.”
His arm around her shoulder, he led Kagome toward the front door. She stopped him after only a few steps, motioning to her bedroom window instead. Both of them blushed lightly, but Inuyasha realized quickly enough that there was no romantic meaning behind her proposal. Apparently Kagome didn’t want to face her family right now either. Especially not after they had probably heard the two of them yelling at each other during the climax of their argument. He grimaced. I told Kagome to shut up, then asked what the fuck was wrong with her. Yep, it was definitely best to avoid the other Higurashis this evening. His behavior could be calmly explained away, but he was in no shape to do that tonight. And with Kagome’s emotions also frayed, both of them needed the time alone, just the two of them.
He shielded her with his body as he led her over to the side of the house. He felt the first drops of rain on his head as he leapt up to open the window, grateful that Kagome had not locked it. The miko too sensed what was coming and practically fell into his arms as he descended. He carried them over the threshold with only seconds to spare, setting her down and closing the window just as the clouds opened.
His mild thrill at the close escape abated as soon as he turned to look at her. Kagome swayed slightly where she stood, her shoulders slumped and her eyes drooping with fatigue. Now that the excitement was over, her condition was finally catching up to her. Without a word he strode over to her bedside and held open the covers, eyeing her expectantly. She nodded gratefully, lying down and curling onto her side facing him as he tucked the sheets over her shoulder. His hands lingered a bit longer near her face than necessary, but she didn’t seem to mind. When he finally straightened his back, however, Inuyasha was struck by a sense of uncertainty. Kagome’s eyes were closed but she was not asleep. This was a bit of uncharted territory. Where was he supposed to go and what was he supposed to do? Figuring she would tell him if she wanted him to leave, he moved to assume his customary place under her window. That seemed too far away, however, so he stopped himself and instead sat next to her bed, his back resting against her nightstand. Again, Kagome didn’t seem to mind, and he heaved a quiet sigh of relief.
The first sign that something was amiss was the subtle shift in Kagome’s scent. Inuyasha looked over to find her frowning, and when she opened her eyes he found them swirling with unasked questions.
“Kagome—”
“I’m going to the restroom,” she interrupted, rising stiffly from the bed and making her way to the door. Inuyasha watched her go, trying to tamp down on his rising panic. Perhaps she just wanted some time to gather her thoughts, or maybe she honestly needed to relieve herself? Their kid must be sitting right on her bladder now. Either way, when she returned he would get her to tell him what was bothering her. Whatever it was, he could alleviate her concerns. He had finally managed to tell her that he loved her; he figured there wasn’t much that could stump him at this point. Something was indeed still troubling Kagome when she returned minutes later, but Inuyasha waited until she was settled in bed once more before speaking.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Kagome,” he spoke, in a tone which was less demanding than it was pleading. Her frown deepened, and she deliberately averted her gaze, but after a moment’s hesitation she did begin to speak.
“I just…I know that Hakago corrupted your heart like he did mine. But at the time, you said that you had chosen me. So you understood your own feelings, and you must have known how I felt about you. And we were going to have a baby together!” she cried, her voice rising in frustration before she lowered it once more. “I don’t understand Inuyasha. What darkness could Hakago have found in your heart?”
Inuyasha did his best not to grimace. It was a legitimate question, and not an unexpected one. And as much as he didn’t want to share the details of how he’d been tricked, he realized that it might not be possible to hide them any longer. Not from Kagome.
“It was stupid,” he tried, immediately knowing that explanation would not fly. “Look, I…I mean, at the time, I still didn’t remember…the night when our child was conceived, okay?” he told her, his words rushed and his tone defensive. “Hakago showed me the memory—not the whole thing though, just a piece of it. And…that piece of memory made it look like…I had forced myself on you against your will.”
“That’s ridiculous!” Kagome retorted immediately. “I wouldn’t have refused you, especially when I was drunk and all my inhibitions were lowered. And even if I had, you wouldn’t have…raped me, Inuyasha.” Her voice was almost accusing, as though even an idiot would know her statements to be true. He couldn’t tell if she was more upset about his misreading of her consent or his lack of faith in his own honor.
“I know that!” he snapped, quickly reigning in his temper. He leaned his head back against the nightstand, taking a deep breath. The last thing he wanted was another fight, and when he looked at Kagome again he found an element of apology in her gaze as well. But she still silently demanded an explanation, and he knew refusing was not an option.
“Like I said,” he continued softly, his voice weighed down by shame, “Hakago only showed me a little piece of the memory. If I had seen any of the rest of it, I would’ve known it wasn’t true. I don’t think I truly believed it anyway. But what I saw…for just a few moments I doubted myself, and that’s all it took for Hakago to take control. It was just a mo—”
“A moment of weakness,” Kagome finished sadly, appearing as though she understood that sentiment well enough. Her eyes darkened with a memory of her own. She’s thinking about how Hakago corrupted her heart, Inuyasha realized. Oddly, he felt no desire to ask her about her own experience with the manipulative infant. Perhaps because he already had a pretty good idea of what ‘darkness’ Hakago had discovered in Kagome’s heart. It definitely stemmed from him, at any rate, and that was not something they needed to talk about, especially not now when things were already awkward enough between them.
“I’m sorry, Kagome,” Inuyasha stated sincerely. “You suffered because I was too stupid to see through Hakago’s trick.” After a moment’s pause, he added miserably, “A lot of people suffered.”
He turned away, too ashamed to face her. He heard her pull back the covers and rise from the bed, and wondered whether the reminder of his crimes would drive her away after all. Then he sensed her kneeling behind him, and felt her arms settle around his shoulders as she embraced him from behind. He gasped, at once identifying the source of his déjà vu. Her pose was slightly different due to her swollen belly, but this was the same way she’d held him after he had slaughtered Gatenmaru’s bandits. At that time, he’d desperately longed for her continued acceptance, pleaded for her comfort without even realizing it. Now he understood how badly he needed her reassurance, and he had a feeling that Kagome knew it.
“Inuyasha,” she said quietly, her words soothing the open wounds marring his soul. “I understand.”
He choked back a sob at the familiar words. That she was treating him the same now as she had back then…he couldn’t describe how much it meant to him. Here, as before, she offered no additional assurances. None were needed. She understood that he was a good person, and that he had fought as hard as he could to prevent innocent people from being hurt. She understood as no one else could how he had suffered while trapped within his own body. And she accepted how terrible he felt about the innocents who had become victims, and silently promised to help him move past his guilt and forward with his life. Here, as always, she was by his side, offering her comfort. This time, however, Inuyasha mustered the courage to tell her how much he appreciated it.
“T-Thank you, Kagome,” he whispered, grasping her hand tightly like the lifeline it was. He felt her shake her head.
“There’s no need to th—”
“There is,” he interrupted. “I meant it when I said I’d be lost without you. You’re always there for me. Every time I need you.”
“Not every time,” she muttered sadly. “We tried so hard to find you…but we failed. It’s only thanks to Kikyou that you’re here right now.”
“That’s not true,” he retorted, glad that this subject had come up. Kagome’s remorse was driven not by jealousy, but by guilt caused by her failure. As if her failures could ever hold a candle to mine! But that was his mate, selfless to the last. And he was thrilled to be able to tell how wrong she was.
“Kikyou said that when you purified Naraku’s miasma, you healed her. In some ways, I think her heart was already corrupted, ever since that witch Urasue resurrected her. But the light you left behind helped Kikyou move past her bitterness. By the time she tracked me down…she was like a completely different person. She was like the miko I knew fifty years ago, but without any of the mistrust or weariness of the world she had back then. You did that, Kagome. You probably didn’t even mean to, but your heart is so pure that you healed Kikyou without even realizing it. Without that, she either would have lost to Hakago or she would have dragged me to hell after freeing me. Either way, I’d be lost.
“So when I say that you’re always there for me, I mean it. Don’t doubt yourself, okay?”
For several long moments, Kagome gave no response and Inuyasha held his breath. Then she leaned forward and kissed his cheek, the honored shift in her scent revealing to the hanyou that all was well.
“Okay, Inuyasha. Thank you.”
He nodded once, and the pair lapsed into companionable silence, Kagome still embracing him from behind. Inuyasha could again sense her fatigue, and knew that she would go back to bed soon. For the moment, he simply wished to enjoy this time with her, now that he was finally comfortable letting their conversation draw to a close. They would talk more tomorrow, he was sure. About his feelings, about the things Hakago had done while possessing his body, and most importantly about their future. They would grow closer once more, emotionally and physically. No matter how long it took, he would banish every iota of doubt from Kagome’s mind. And he, Inuyasha, an orphaned half-breed with no wealth or social skills to speak of, would become the mate and husband she deserved.
But that was for tomorrow. For tonight, they would heal quietly in each other’s embrace, for as long as either of them needed.
If You’ll Have Me
Inuyasha’s hand subconsciously drifted up to his chest, as if to prevent his wildly beating heart from leaping out of his body. He was practically hyperventilating, with sweat beading on his brow. His normally comfortable fire-rat robes felt unbearably hot, and he was sorely tempted to loosen or even remove them altogether. But that would be a form of retreat, and would not help him gather the courage to move forward. Sighing, he gazed up at the roof of the well house, illuminated by the waning daylight shining in through the cracks in the doorway.
To be in such sorry shape, when he hadn’t even pulled himself out of the manmade hole in the ground? It was pretty embarrassing, and he was glad that no one was here to bear witness. The little pep talk he’d given himself in the feudal era had carried him through to Kagome’s time, but all of his momentum was now completely dissipated. How long had he been down here? A few minutes? An hour? Part of him felt as though his whole life had been building up to this moment. He hated being weak. For years he’d viewed revealing any hint of weakness as tantamount to flirting with death. But in order to win the future he so desired, he needed to place his life in the hands of another, to leave himself more vulnerable than he’d ever been. He had to give Kagome his heart, as well as the power to crush it.
He snorted and shook his head. Kagome already has that power, whether you give it to her or not. That thought oddly made him feel a little better. He was already vulnerable. He had already let her into his heart, and would never be able to evict her even if he wanted to. Now he just needed to fully open himself, to complete the process which Kagome had started over a year ago, on the day they first met. When viewed in that light, his task seemed less daunting. He didn’t honestly believe she would reject him. Well, not really, aside from the persistent doubts which always lurked in the darkest corner of his mind. That was not the reason he hesitated. No, the greatest force which held him back was guilt. For he would have to explain to Kagome why he had lost to Hakago, why he’d let his heart become corrupted when there was no good reason for it to be corrupted. He’d let darkness take him away from her for months, a darkness which never should have existed. How much had she suffered? How much grief had his foolishness caused?
He shook his head again, harder this time. If his thoughts turned down that path, he might never leave this well house. Kagome was a forgiving person. If he was truthful and repentant, she would forgive him. Perhaps not all at once, but eventually. And if all went well, he would have a lifetime to make amends.
But that was a worry for another day. He needed to move forward, to take one step at a time, the first ‘step’ being to leap out of this cursed hole in the ground. He did so, then strode over to the door and placed his ear against it. Upon hearing no sign of anyone on the shrine grounds, he cracked open the door and peeked his head out. He sighed in relief on finding the grounds deserted. The last thing he needed was Kagome’s kid brother or her stuffy old grandfather discovering him first; he might just lose all of his nerve and run back to the feudal era if that happened. The trick would be getting Kagome’s attention without alerting her relatives to his presence. But before that, another ‘step’ loomed—namely, emerging from the well house.
It felt like leaving a nice, cozy home to go trek through a blizzard, but he managed. And with each tentative step toward the Higurashi household, his heartbeat kicked up a notch. Finally he realized that he was behaving like a nervous deer, and moved forward with more confidence. It was time to man up, which is difficult to do when one is performing his best imitation of a scared little boy. Most of Inuyasha’s newfound confidence was artificial, but it got the job done. Before he knew it, he found himself standing in the shadow of the house, barely ten paces from the front door.
Now, here is where he ran into his dilemma. How could he get Kagome’s attention without alerting her family? More than likely, they would follow her out the door to see what the fuss was about. But he wanted to see her first, not one of her relatives. Contacting her directly would probably be the easiest way to assure this, but her window was closed and her shades were drawn. Since she hadn’t noticed his aura yet, he deduced that she was probably asleep. And knocking on or throwing pebbles at the window just seemed like a really lame way to greet the woman he loved for the first time in several months.
His aura…that might be the way to go. Even in her sleep, she would surely sense his aura if he made it powerful enough. And no one else in the family would, least of all her fake priest of a grandfather. Since he didn’t have any better ideas, Inuyasha decided to try that approach. Sure enough, the flaring of his youki bore immediate results. He thought he heard Kagome gasp from inside her bedroom, though that might have been his imagination. He knew he did not imagine the sound of feet moving quickly but carefully down the stairs, or her voice telling her family members to stay inside the house. His brow furrowed at the fear in her tone, and he was initially unable to comprehend the reason behind it. Before he had much time to think about it, however, the front door slid open and out stepped the woman whom he intended to make his wife. At her sudden appearance, Inuyasha’s frazzled mind slipped helplessly into stupor.
Kagome was nothing short of radiant. She wore a knee-length maternity dress which covered her shoulders but bore no sleeves. The vibrant color scheme reminded one of a windy spring afternoon, with flowers of every variety dancing in the breeze. The material was loose enough to be comfortable, but form-fitting enough to reveal her figure. Her breasts seemed larger than Inuyasha remembered, set above the beautiful swell of her belly. By the look of things, his son or daughter would be born in a matter of weeks. Obviously, the dress doubled as sleepwear, at least for a late afternoon nap. Kagome’s face was slightly pale from her slumber, her hair disheveled in the most delightful way. A cool wind blew up, tossing the already tousled strands behind her and framing her beautiful face. If he tried for the rest of his days, Inuyasha would never be able to conjure up words capable of doing her justice. She was a goddess, a mother and a warrior all wrapped into perfection. And when she spoke, both sides of that divine coin were on display.
“Who are you?” she demanded.
Her voice should have been as sweet as the melody of water flowing down a tranquil forest stream. Instead, her words crashed against his skull like a wave pummeling against rock. As confused as he was right now, Inuyasha’s head might as well have been made of stone. He had not anticipated her hostility, nor the bow clutched firmly in her left hand or the arrow in her right. The bowstring was drawn taunt, the projectile aimed straight for his heart. Her jaws were clenched, her lips drawn in a thin line. Her eyes blazed with passion, an unquenchable fury he had only seen directed at those who sought to harm the people she loved. But there was softness in her dark orbs as well, a cautious hope, beaten down but never banished. It was this which Inuyasha focused on as he scrambled to figure out why Kagome was looking at him with such hostility.
Mrs. Higurashi’s frightened gasp provided the clue he needed. She and the rest of the family had followed Kagome out of the house as anticipated, each of them looking at him as though they weren’t sure whether they knew him or not. That analogy, he realized, was probably close to the truth. Obviously he had not thought this through very well. Shit! They think I’m still possessed by Hakago! Hadn’t he just been through this with Miroku and the others? So logically Kagome and her family would fear the same thing, would they not? Yet somehow, he’d been so focused on what Kagome would say to him and vice versa, that he neglected to consider that she wouldn’t even know it was him! Evidently he’d left his intelligence five hundred years in the past. This reunion was off to a fabulous start.
“I’ll ask once more,” Kagome stated, drawing the bowstring back even further. “Who are you?”
“I-It’s me, Kagome!” Inuyasha tried, raising his hands. She narrowed her eyes, ostensibly so they could maintain their hard edge. But when she spoke, her voice could not quite sustain the same level of fierceness. She wanted to believe him so badly, but the lives of her family and her child were at stake.
“Are you willing to prove it?”
Inuyasha nodded automatically. He doubted there was anything in this world which he would not do to convince Kagome that he was himself again. She nodded.
“Osuwari!”
Inuyasha tensed for the imminent impact of his face against the hard pavement, but the subjugation spell never activated. The rosary remained around his neck, but it felt like nothing more than a simple necklace. Hakago…he probably used the Shikon no Tama to break the rosary’s hold over me. The less mature side of him started dancing a little jig inside of his head, but now he had another problem. Namely, how was Kagome supposed to restrain him now? It wasn’t surprising that the infant had moved to limit her ability to control him, though Inuyasha did wonder why he had left the necklace in place. Probably for an insidious purpose, the hanyou reflected, involving an eventual confrontation with Kagome and the miko seeing the rosary in place and letting her guard down. He was secretly proud of her for doing nothing of the sort; her readiness to fire the arrow had never wavered, even as she shouted the command. And fortunately, Kagome had prepared for this possibility.
“Mama, please reach into my pocket and hand me the slip of paper there.”
Inuyasha knew what was next, and he sent a mental note of gratitude to Miroku. He didn’t know what other options existed for verifying his identity, but the use of a restraining sutra would be quick and relatively painless. Somewhat humiliating, but he would bear it without complaint. He didn’t dare move a muscle until Kagome told him to sit on the ground, which he did slowly and deliberately, all the while having flashbacks to his recent conversation with Shiori and Shizu. Absent Kagome’s spiritual energy, the two situations would be almost identical.
Kagome released her grip on the arrow, snatched the sutra from her mother’s hand, charged it with reiki and threw it all in one smooth motion, before immediately drawing the arrow again. The flurry of movement left barely a second of vulnerability, which would have been difficult to exploit even if Inuyasha had intended to do so. Instead he simply observed her, with equal parts awe and pride. The effectiveness of the sutra was just as impressive; what Kagome lacked in skill compared to Miroku, she made up for in raw power. Inuyasha considered himself fortunate that his involuntary muscle movements still functioned—heartbeat and breathing chief among them. The restraining seal was probably more effective than it needed to be; a more experienced miko might use less reiki to conserve energy and make the seal more durable. But it was perfect for Kagome’s purposes, and Inuyasha was glad to see her taking no chances, even if the result was more pain on his part.
She approached him warily, refusing to make eye contact for more than a split-second. Perhaps she was not completely confident in her ability to gauge his truthfulness, and did not wish to make her task more emotionally challenging than it already was. This impression was confirmed by the inspection she performed with her reiki, which probed deeper and continued longer than Miroku’s had. It was as though some deep-seated insecurity prevented her from believing what each one of her body’s senses were telling her. What turned the tide for her was their child’s aura, reaching out to its father for the first time. Inuyasha gasped. My son…that’s my son… Finally Kagome met his gaze, whatever hardness remaining within her dark orbs dissipating like the clouds after a summer squall. Her lower lip trembled, her eyes filling with moisture. The next thing Inuyasha knew, she had flung herself into his lap, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and burying her face in his shoulder.
Inuyasha’s youki flared angrily, fighting against the sutra which kept him from reciprocating her display of affection. He was beset by an almost primal need to hold her, and being prevented from doing so would soon threaten to drive him mad. Fortunately Kagome sensed his inner struggle and reached up with a hand to remove the sutra. The instant the diabolical piece of paper left his skin, Inuyasha embraced his mate, ensconcing her within the folds of his haori. He shifted her more comfortably in his lap and held her as tightly as he dared, whispering soothing words against her hair. I’m here, Kagome. Please don’t cry. I’m here, and I’m never leaving again.
“All right, back inside the house,” he heard Mrs. Higurashi order. Kagome’s brother and grandfather began to protest, but one look from the matriarch of the family was enough to silence them. Inuyasha nodded in gratitude, a gesture which was hesitantly returned. He could tell that he and Mrs. Higurashi would be having a lengthy discussion later. While that was not something he looked forward to, he understood its necessity. She was hopefully going to be his mother-in-law; she deserved answers almost as much as Kagome did.
Speaking of Kagome, she remained in his lap, motionless except for the occasional involuntary shudder as she cried quietly against his haori. Inuyasha hated it, yet appreciated her tears at the same time. For these tears were not born of sadness, but of joy. He could understand why she would feel emotionally overwhelmed; he was having trouble keeping his own eyes dry, in fact. A few happy tears did manage to sneak past his eyelids, but he wore them with pride, only wiping them away as Kagome’s own sobs began to wind down to sniffles. Hoping she wouldn’t mind, Inuyasha finally gave into temptation and placed his hand against her belly. He swore he felt the child within kick, greeting his father physically as he had already greeted him with his youki. My son… The realization stole his breath away. He would have been just as thrilled with a daughter, but to finally know the child’s gender, to be able to refer to him as a ‘him’ rather than an ‘it,’ was nothing short of amazing.
Kagome unwrapped her arms from around his neck and reached down to place her hand atop his own, entwining their fingers against her belly. Finally she pulled back enough to meet his gaze. Inuyasha’s breath caught in his throat. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, and her cheeks were still too pale for his liking, but his heart leapt with the sheer brilliance of her smile. For a few blissful moments, their hearts beat as one. Kagome’s free hand came up to caress his cheek, as if to confirm that his presence was not a product of some wonderful dream.
“You’re back, Inuyasha,” she murmured, her tone still somewhat uncertain. Inuyasha grinned.
“Yeah, wench, I’m back.”
He cringed inwardly at his own words, suddenly fearing that he’d ruined the moment by using that nickname. But Kagome only chuckled, relaxing completely as though the sentiment had confirmed that he was actually real, rather than a figment of her imagination.
“I never realized how much I missed hearing that.”
“Or ‘osuwari,’” he added honestly, joining her in quiet laughter.
“I could always see if Kaede-baa-chan can reactivate the spell…”
“Don’t you dare, wench.”
Kagome’s eyes widened slightly in surprise at his confident response, and Inuyasha knew why. She understood how much he feared his youkai side, or rather, how much he used to fear it.
“I’m not afraid of that part of me anymore,” he declared, his voice dropping into a grave tenor. “Even if I transform, I’ll never hurt the people I…care about.”
Inuyasha knew at once that his serious statement had caused the jovial mood between them to shift. Was that for better or for worse? Was he flailing around in the dark with no sense of direction, or did he instinctively know where to go? Either way, as Kagome’s smile faded and she pulled back from his embrace, Inuyasha knew that the hard part of the conversation was just beginning.
“Come on, let’s go somewhere else,” he proposed, helping Kagome to her feet. “Are you cold?”
She shook her head, which Inuyasha was grateful for. If she wasn’t cold, then they didn’t necessarily have to go inside. He was always more comfortable out here, in nature where he had grown up. Obviously a feudal era forest would be better, but he didn’t want to push his luck. This wasn’t all about him, after all. Fortunately, there was one place in this time where both of them could feel connected to past, present, and future. He led her there, his grip on her hand light enough so as to be easily broken. Kagome followed without resistance, but he could feel the awkwardness forming between them as they stopped under Goshinboku’s branches. When he turned to her with a silent question, she frowned. Instead of acquiescing to his nonverbal request to take her up into the tree, she led him over to the stone bench off to the side of the fenced in area. He tried to tell himself that it was only because of her condition, that she feared becoming sick if she perched too high off the ground. But with the suddenly somber atmosphere hanging over them, he couldn’t quite convince himself.
Kagome seated herself on the bench, her back and shoulders tensed, her hands wringing nervously in her lap. Inuyasha followed suit, crossing his arms and concealing his hands in the folds of his haori to avoid the same fidgeting. A space lay between them, only a fraction of a meter in reality, but appearing as an unfathomably deep canyon to Inuyasha. This is where all of his hastily-constructed resolve should come in. The only way to bridge that ever-widening gap was to open up to Kagome more than he’d ever opened up to anyone in his entire life. But every potential way his mind could conjure up to begin that conversation sounded stupid, and the fear of saying the wrong thing left him hopelessly paralyzed. Kagome let the oppressive silence drag on for a time, but eventually she took the burden of speaking first upon herself.
“So…how did you break free of Hakago’s control?”
Inuyasha grimaced, glad that the ice had been broken but not especially pleased by the initial topic of conversation.
“Kikyou freed me,” he answered simply. Kagome must have seen something in his expression, because her next question was delivered as though she already knew the answer.
“Is she…okay?”
Inuyasha’s eyes lowered, his shoulders slumping with old pain. “No, she…passed on.”
“I see. I’m sorry, Inuyasha,” Kagome stated sincerely, her voice colored with sorrow. At that moment, Inuyasha could not imagine her sadness to be anything other than genuine sympathy.
“Thanks,” he replied, allowing his mind to drift back to Kikyou’s last sunset, the evening when they had bade each other goodbye for the final time. The ensuing silence stretched on for several minutes, and as the setting of the sun cast the world in shades of gloom, the imaginary canyon between hanyou and miko grew wider and more foreboding. Finally Kagome spoke, her attempt at a lighter tone failing miserably.
“I…I-I’m glad you’re back. It’s g-great that our child won’t have to grow up without a father.”
Inuyasha started at the sound of her voice, breaking from his mournful musings only to be driven into profound confusion by her statement. He frowned as he gazed at her. How could her words be so at odds with her tone and body language? Her back was straight as a rod, her hands clutching her knees as if needing the support. Her lower lip was held so tightly between her teeth that it was a wonder she hadn’t drawn blood. Most disturbing of all, she kept her eyes glued firmly to the pavement in front of her, refusing to permit even the smallest chance of making eye contact with him.
Even her words were strange. Her hesitation, her difficulty in getting them out, and the content itself…none of it was what Inuyasha had expected. ‘I’m glad you’re back’ should have been ‘I’m glad to have you back.’ Or there should have been some acknowledgement that he was not solely the father of her child, but also the man she intended to spend her life with. The complete absence of anything of the sort was downright frightening. Had he been wrong about her feelings? Did she…still love him? Before he could spend much time contemplating that dreaded question, Kagome stood suddenly.
“I’m tired,” she declared miserably. “I’m going to lie down.”
The scent of her renewed tears hit Inuyasha like some great oni’s fist. Though receiving a bludgeoning from said oni would be preferable to this, scrambling around blindly in the dark hoping not to fall. But he was already losing his balance. This was wrong, all wrong. Kagome’s hesitation, her tears, the sorrow he could feel radiating off of her, it was all… An epiphany came upon him suddenly, just as his mind was turning down a dark path, forged by decades of loneliness and self-loathing. The greatest wrong here would be to attribute Kagome’s rejection to a change in romantic feelings. She still loved him. How he knew this, he couldn’t say, but it came from deep within, an almost instinctual source. Perhaps it was his heart speaking to him? In any case, for once Inuyasha decided to listen.
In doing so, he realized something which he had not noticed before. If Kagome no longer loved him, why would she seem so close to breaking down emotionally? Informing him would be difficult, for sure, and perhaps she would cry when she did so. But not like this. Her scent would speak of sadness and sympathy, not crushing despair. Her eyes would no doubt reflect that same sympathy, but they would also plead with him to understand and implore him to remain in her life as a friend and co-parent. Most crucially, she would look at him rather than doing her absolute best not to look at him.
So if Kagome’s behavior did not indicate that her feelings for him had changed, then what was the cause? Did she believe that his feelings had changed? Her words would support that assumption. It didn’t seem quite right, but he was out of contemplation time. Kagome was already striding away from him, each footstep like the tolling of hell’s bells, counting down toward the expiration of his existence. For he sensed that if he allowed her to walk away now, whatever the two of them might have had together would perish. He would never get another chance.
“Wait, Kagome!”
Fueled by desperation, he leapt to his feet and closed the distance between them in an instant, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to a halt. His grip was no doubt slightly uncomfortable for her, but that was the point. He couldn’t let her get away. If that meant restraining her physically for a brief time until she agreed to listen to him, until she looked at him, then so be it. Even with her arm pulled behind her and her body twisted to the side, Kagome still refused to raise her eyes. It was disturbing enough to finally spur Inuyasha to truly say something for the first time in the entire conversation.
“Kagome…I, I mean, you—” Growling to himself, he took a quick breath to jumble together his thoughts. “Kagome, being a father to our child is not the only thing I came back here for…”
There. Inuyasha mentally patted himself on the back. It wasn’t explicit and hadn’t been delivered with the meaningful tone he was looking for, but Kagome would understand that statement. It was clear that she did, though again her reaction was not what the hanyou was expecting. She closed her eyes and shook her head as a small sigh of pure misery escaped her, a woman resigned to her fate and wondering why arriving at said fate had to be so difficult.
“I think it is.”
Inuyasha’s eyes narrowed. Just as he thought, she was making stupid assumptions about his motives and desires. The misunderstanding should be easily correctable…if he could find the words. Perhaps his rising irritation would help with that? So long as the words didn’t have to be flowery or especially mature, that is.
“No, it’s not, wench.”
“I truly think it is.”
“No, Kagome, it’s n—”
“In any case!” she interrupted sharply. “The father of your child is all that you are going to be. Now release me.”
“Not until you shut up for a second and listen to me!” Inuyasha retorted, stepping toward her and tightening his grip.
“I said, release me!!!”
Inuyasha cried out as a burst of reiki sent sparks of pain lancing through his hand. He abandoned his grip out of reflex, stumbling back a couple steps in shock. A hint of remorse leaked past the fury blazing in Kagome’s eyes, but she was obviously in no state of mind to apologize. Instead she turned and resumed her march to the house. Now fueled by anger as well as desperation, Inuyasha took off in pursuit, matching her stride for stride as he glared sideways at her.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Kagome? I came back here to be with you. With you! Isn’t that what you wanted?!”
“So what?!” she shrieked, turning suddenly to face him with both fists clenched at her sides. “Since when have I ever gotten what I wanted in this relationship?”
Inuyasha’s jaw flapped like that of a fish stranded on a riverbank, and his eyes flew wide as true comprehension began to dawn. But Kagome was nowhere near finished.
“I gave up over a year of my life for you, Inuyasha. Not for Naraku and not for the damn jewel. For you. I gave you my virginity and then carried your child for over eight months. And did I ever so much as balk at the so-called ‘commitment’ you tried to feed me? No, like a fool I accepted your shit, hoping that one day you would return my feelings. And what is my reward? Only disappointment and heartache.”
She sighed, raising her hand to her temple as if the conversation was making her physically ill. When she dropped her arms to her sides moments later, she was a completely different person.
“Go ahead and tell me that you love me, Inuyasha,” she stated, her tone harsh but pleading with him to understand. “I’ll believe you. I’m sure that you do love me, in some sense. And I’m sure your intentions in wanting to be with me are honorable. But you love Kikyou. You chose Kikyou. And that is something I cannot accept if we’re going to be together.
“This is going to sound cruel, but I don’t know how else to say it. I refuse to be your consolation prize, Inuyasha. You have feelings for two women, and since only one of them is able to be with you now, the decision has basically been made for you. I understand that. But since deep down you wish that Kikyou could occupy the empty place by your side, I will not take it. I am not that kind of woman. I would rather stay just friends, or if you can’t accept that, then we…we will never see each other again except for our child’s sake.”
Inuyasha lowered his head until his bangs covered the upper half of his face, his eyes glowing with cold rage. Those bastards… But then, he couldn’t blame this solely on Miroku and Sango, now could he? You did a stupid thing, you dumbass. You told them to convince Kagome not to chase you, then asked them to tell her something which would definitely make her want to chase you! It was obvious which of the two directives their friends had given priority. And now Kagome thought he only wanted to be with her because Kikyou was dead. She still thought she was second best. He would figure out who to blame for this later—himself, most likely—but for now he simply prayed that he could repair the damage the fateful omission had caused.
“They didn’t tell you, did they?” he rasped without raising his head.
“W-What?” Kagome stuttered, obviously caught off guard by the question. “Who didn’t tell me what?”
“Miroku and Sango! Did they tell you what I said just before I took Hakago from you?”
“They said you had asked them not to let me go looking for you. What does that have to do with anything?”
“Not that,” he grumbled, simultaneously relieved that his hypothesis was correct, and dreading having to repeat the words to her face. “What I said was…was…”
“It doesn’t m—”
“It does matter, Kagome!” he yelled, finally raising his head to lock eyes with her. She gasped at the fierceness of his expression, his emotions now unconcealed by hesitation and nerves. No longer would such things keep him from saying what needed to be said. That didn’t mean it was easy.
“Dammit…what I said was…I chose you.”
A rapid intake of air was the only audible sign Kagome gave that she’d heard him, but her expression morphed into one of profound disbelief, colored by the barest hints of hope. It was the latter which Inuyasha latched onto for support as he continued to strip off the armour covering his heart, piece by stubborn piece.
“By then, I had made my decision. Whether or not Kikyou was still alive, I chose you. You, Kagome.” He snorted softly, averting his gaze. “It was always you. Even when I was too stupid to realize it.” Silence settled over them for several long moments before Kagome spoke.
“I—I don’t…”
“Believe me?” he finished. Trust me? A glanced revealed that he’d hit the nail on the head. No matter how badly she wanted to believe him, those words alone were not enough to convince her. Not after he’d so foolishly mourned after Kikyou in Kagome’s presence earlier. It had been just that, mourning, but Kagome had obviously taken it to mean much more. He supposed he could just tell her to talk to Miroku and Sango to verify his story, but what would that prove? Only that he was still a closed off little boy incapable of revealing his true feelings to anyone. Such a spineless person was unworthy of Kagome’s love. Starting today, he would no longer be that kind of man.
“I’ll tell you when I first realized…my feelings. It was inside the youkai graveyard. Were you conscious for any of that?” he asked, wondering if her experiences while possessed by Hakago were similar to his own. A small nod from her confirmed it. “I never should have been able to penetrate Housenki’s ‘unbreakable’ armour. Do you know what finally allowed me to beat him?”
Kagome gave a tiny shake of her head, and Inuyasha sensed that she would hold her breath until he answered his own question, even if it mean asphyxiating herself. Still the hanyou took a few moments to prepare himself, to utter this word for perhaps the first time in his adult life. He refused to stutter, or to feel any uncertainty when he gave voice to this truest of emotions, the single syllable with the power to change everything.
“Love.”
Kagome’s gasp resounded into the night. By her own admission, she had prepared herself to hear and reject such a confession from him this evening. But not like this. Not with his eyes glowing like that or in the midst of a lengthy explanation of how all of her assumptions about their relationship were wrong. An explanation which both pulled at her heartstrings and was starting to make deeply logical sense. Still struck speechless, the miko watched as her hanyou removed another piece of armour from around his heart, discarding it like trash, never to be worn in her presence again.
“Thinking of you…gave me the strength to break Housenki’s armour. It also kept me from losing myself when I grabbed the corrupted Shikon fragment. Ever since then, it’s kept me alive. Without it, I wouldn’t be here right now. Without you, Kagome…I’d be lost.
“You said earlier that you would believe me if I told you that…I loved you. Well, now you’ve heard me say it twice. Do you believe me?”
Inuyasha stood tall, feeling more alive than he’d ever felt before, and more nervous as well. He still couldn’t believe he’d managed to get all of that out, but once he got started the words had flowed out one after another, like water bursting through a dam. He gazed at her, willing his eyes to reflect the silent truth—that when he spoke of love, he did not mean ‘in some sense.’ He meant in all senses, in every possible way a man could love a woman. And he didn’t mean only until death did them part; this was for all eternity. If eventually fate placed them on opposite sides of the great divide between life and death, then their souls would reunite when both of them crossed over. Most importantly, he would never long for Kikyou, or dwell on what might have been but for her premature death. He had chosen Kagome, the woman he truly loved. Many months ago had he made the choice, only realizing it later, and confessing it later still. Now with his heart laid bare before her, it was up to Kagome to accept him. He could not offer her anything more than he was right now; he had nothing left to give. He could only pray that it was enough.
Kagome stared at him for some time, her expression revealing a great internal conflict. Inuyasha observed silently, determined to give her the time she needed, especially when it appeared that her state of mind was gradually turning in his favor. Faith and love rose to battle for her consciousness, slowly overcoming the stubborn doubt which had taken hold there. But her previous convictions refused to disperse so easily, and eventually she averted her gaze and took to biting her lower lip. Inuyasha recognized the gesture. As much as Kagome wanted to believe him, she needed more. For he still had not answered the question which had always caused a rift to form between them. What about Kikyou? The elder miko was dead, but in what emotional state had she returned to the afterlife? Did she expect to reunite with her beloved when he finally joined her in death? Inuyasha had tried to answer this question by visual rather than vocal means, but he did not blame Kagome for needing to hear the words. Some things were simply too important to communicate in silence, as clearly illustrated by their conversation this evening. For once, Inuyasha decided not to make Kagome ask the question.
“Kikyou…was not killed by Hakago,” he stated, overcoming the sudden tightness in his throat. His sadness was still fresh, but it was not strong enough to prevent him from moving forward.
“She wasn’t killed,” he repeated after a short but heavy pause. “Kikyou…chose to die, because…because she accepted how I feel about you. And…how you feel about me.”
Kagome’s gaze turned contemplative as if she realized something for the first time. Perhaps it was the fact that the piece of soul which Kikyou stole from her should have been returned when the other miko passed on. She closed her eyes and her spiritual energy flared up, its focus inward. Her eyelids twitched as though searching for something, some hidden truth, some element of Kikyou’s consciousness which might have returned with the soul, and which might reveal the elder miko’s feelings.
Inuyasha could tell exactly when Kagome found what she was looking for. Her reiki subsided abruptly, and she lowered her head, tears pooling swiftly behind her closed eyelids and flowing down her cheeks. When she raised her head moments later and once more revealed her beautiful eyes to his questing gaze, all of the doubt had vanished.
Nothing more needed to be said. Kagome finally accepted his feelings, completely and without reservation. But to his own surprise, Inuyasha was not yet ready to end his confession. There was one more thing he wanted to say. It was a strange sensation for a man so used to avoiding serious conversation at all costs. But his heart would not be satisfied until it had shed every bit of armour, and one stubborn piece remained. Not for long.
“You’re the one I chose, Kagome, the only woman I want. If you’ll have me…I’m yours. Now, and forever.”
Kagome’s bottom lip quivered, but a brilliant smile quickly spread over her features, even as more moisture pooled in her eyes.
“I’ll have you, Inuyasha,” she stated softly. “Now, and forever.”
She opened her arms in invitation, and Inuyasha did not waste a moment in striding over and embracing her tightly. And as she wrapped her arms around his back, he was enveloped in a sensation of indescribable warmth. He was finally where he belonged. He was finally home.
He and Kagome remained that way for several minutes, as she cried lightly into his haori. Inuyasha was unsuccessful at completely restraining his own tears, though he did not try very hard. Such a thing was no longer important. Eventually her periodic shuddering ceased, and she simply breathed deeply through her nose. Inuyasha thought she might have been savoring his scent, as he had been doing ever since first embracing her. That would be a little strange, since humans had such bad noses, but no stranger than the fact that she loved him in the first place. That was the single greatest miracle the world had ever seen, and he would spend the rest of his life cherishing it.
A cold wind blew in suddenly, fluttering Kagome’s dress and causing the young miko to shiver against him. For the first time, Inuyasha realized how dark it had become, to say nothing of the ominous clouds moving in overhead. He needed to get his pregnant mate out of the elements before the weather took a turn for the worse.
“Come on, let’s go inside.”
His arm around her shoulder, he led Kagome toward the front door. She stopped him after only a few steps, motioning to her bedroom window instead. Both of them blushed lightly, but Inuyasha realized quickly enough that there was no romantic meaning behind her proposal. Apparently Kagome didn’t want to face her family right now either. Especially not after they had probably heard the two of them yelling at each other during the climax of their argument. He grimaced. I told Kagome to shut up, then asked what the fuck was wrong with her. Yep, it was definitely best to avoid the other Higurashis this evening. His behavior could be calmly explained away, but he was in no shape to do that tonight. And with Kagome’s emotions also frayed, both of them needed the time alone, just the two of them.
He shielded her with his body as he led her over to the side of the house. He felt the first drops of rain on his head as he leapt up to open the window, grateful that Kagome had not locked it. The miko too sensed what was coming and practically fell into his arms as he descended. He carried them over the threshold with only seconds to spare, setting her down and closing the window just as the clouds opened.
His mild thrill at the close escape abated as soon as he turned to look at her. Kagome swayed slightly where she stood, her shoulders slumped and her eyes drooping with fatigue. Now that the excitement was over, her condition was finally catching up to her. Without a word he strode over to her bedside and held open the covers, eyeing her expectantly. She nodded gratefully, lying down and curling onto her side facing him as he tucked the sheets over her shoulder. His hands lingered a bit longer near her face than necessary, but she didn’t seem to mind. When he finally straightened his back, however, Inuyasha was struck by a sense of uncertainty. Kagome’s eyes were closed but she was not asleep. This was a bit of uncharted territory. Where was he supposed to go and what was he supposed to do? Figuring she would tell him if she wanted him to leave, he moved to assume his customary place under her window. That seemed too far away, however, so he stopped himself and instead sat next to her bed, his back resting against her nightstand. Again, Kagome didn’t seem to mind, and he heaved a quiet sigh of relief.
The first sign that something was amiss was the subtle shift in Kagome’s scent. Inuyasha looked over to find her frowning, and when she opened her eyes he found them swirling with unasked questions.
“Kagome—”
“I’m going to the restroom,” she interrupted, rising stiffly from the bed and making her way to the door. Inuyasha watched her go, trying to tamp down on his rising panic. Perhaps she just wanted some time to gather her thoughts, or maybe she honestly needed to relieve herself? Their kid must be sitting right on her bladder now. Either way, when she returned he would get her to tell him what was bothering her. Whatever it was, he could alleviate her concerns. He had finally managed to tell her that he loved her; he figured there wasn’t much that could stump him at this point. Something was indeed still troubling Kagome when she returned minutes later, but Inuyasha waited until she was settled in bed once more before speaking.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Kagome,” he spoke, in a tone which was less demanding than it was pleading. Her frown deepened, and she deliberately averted her gaze, but after a moment’s hesitation she did begin to speak.
“I just…I know that Hakago corrupted your heart like he did mine. But at the time, you said that you had chosen me. So you understood your own feelings, and you must have known how I felt about you. And we were going to have a baby together!” she cried, her voice rising in frustration before she lowered it once more. “I don’t understand Inuyasha. What darkness could Hakago have found in your heart?”
Inuyasha did his best not to grimace. It was a legitimate question, and not an unexpected one. And as much as he didn’t want to share the details of how he’d been tricked, he realized that it might not be possible to hide them any longer. Not from Kagome.
“It was stupid,” he tried, immediately knowing that explanation would not fly. “Look, I…I mean, at the time, I still didn’t remember…the night when our child was conceived, okay?” he told her, his words rushed and his tone defensive. “Hakago showed me the memory—not the whole thing though, just a piece of it. And…that piece of memory made it look like…I had forced myself on you against your will.”
“That’s ridiculous!” Kagome retorted immediately. “I wouldn’t have refused you, especially when I was drunk and all my inhibitions were lowered. And even if I had, you wouldn’t have…raped me, Inuyasha.” Her voice was almost accusing, as though even an idiot would know her statements to be true. He couldn’t tell if she was more upset about his misreading of her consent or his lack of faith in his own honor.
“I know that!” he snapped, quickly reigning in his temper. He leaned his head back against the nightstand, taking a deep breath. The last thing he wanted was another fight, and when he looked at Kagome again he found an element of apology in her gaze as well. But she still silently demanded an explanation, and he knew refusing was not an option.
“Like I said,” he continued softly, his voice weighed down by shame, “Hakago only showed me a little piece of the memory. If I had seen any of the rest of it, I would’ve known it wasn’t true. I don’t think I truly believed it anyway. But what I saw…for just a few moments I doubted myself, and that’s all it took for Hakago to take control. It was just a mo—”
“A moment of weakness,” Kagome finished sadly, appearing as though she understood that sentiment well enough. Her eyes darkened with a memory of her own. She’s thinking about how Hakago corrupted her heart, Inuyasha realized. Oddly, he felt no desire to ask her about her own experience with the manipulative infant. Perhaps because he already had a pretty good idea of what ‘darkness’ Hakago had discovered in Kagome’s heart. It definitely stemmed from him, at any rate, and that was not something they needed to talk about, especially not now when things were already awkward enough between them.
“I’m sorry, Kagome,” Inuyasha stated sincerely. “You suffered because I was too stupid to see through Hakago’s trick.” After a moment’s pause, he added miserably, “A lot of people suffered.”
He turned away, too ashamed to face her. He heard her pull back the covers and rise from the bed, and wondered whether the reminder of his crimes would drive her away after all. Then he sensed her kneeling behind him, and felt her arms settle around his shoulders as she embraced him from behind. He gasped, at once identifying the source of his déjà vu. Her pose was slightly different due to her swollen belly, but this was the same way she’d held him after he had slaughtered Gatenmaru’s bandits. At that time, he’d desperately longed for her continued acceptance, pleaded for her comfort without even realizing it. Now he understood how badly he needed her reassurance, and he had a feeling that Kagome knew it.
“Inuyasha,” she said quietly, her words soothing the open wounds marring his soul. “I understand.”
He choked back a sob at the familiar words. That she was treating him the same now as she had back then…he couldn’t describe how much it meant to him. Here, as before, she offered no additional assurances. None were needed. She understood that he was a good person, and that he had fought as hard as he could to prevent innocent people from being hurt. She understood as no one else could how he had suffered while trapped within his own body. And she accepted how terrible he felt about the innocents who had become victims, and silently promised to help him move past his guilt and forward with his life. Here, as always, she was by his side, offering her comfort. This time, however, Inuyasha mustered the courage to tell her how much he appreciated it.
“T-Thank you, Kagome,” he whispered, grasping her hand tightly like the lifeline it was. He felt her shake her head.
“There’s no need to th—”
“There is,” he interrupted. “I meant it when I said I’d be lost without you. You’re always there for me. Every time I need you.”
“Not every time,” she muttered sadly. “We tried so hard to find you…but we failed. It’s only thanks to Kikyou that you’re here right now.”
“That’s not true,” he retorted, glad that this subject had come up. Kagome’s remorse was driven not by jealousy, but by guilt caused by her failure. As if her failures could ever hold a candle to mine! But that was his mate, selfless to the last. And he was thrilled to be able to tell how wrong she was.
“Kikyou said that when you purified Naraku’s miasma, you healed her. In some ways, I think her heart was already corrupted, ever since that witch Urasue resurrected her. But the light you left behind helped Kikyou move past her bitterness. By the time she tracked me down…she was like a completely different person. She was like the miko I knew fifty years ago, but without any of the mistrust or weariness of the world she had back then. You did that, Kagome. You probably didn’t even mean to, but your heart is so pure that you healed Kikyou without even realizing it. Without that, she either would have lost to Hakago or she would have dragged me to hell after freeing me. Either way, I’d be lost.
“So when I say that you’re always there for me, I mean it. Don’t doubt yourself, okay?”
For several long moments, Kagome gave no response and Inuyasha held his breath. Then she leaned forward and kissed his cheek, the honored shift in her scent revealing to the hanyou that all was well.
“Okay, Inuyasha. Thank you.”
He nodded once, and the pair lapsed into companionable silence, Kagome still embracing him from behind. Inuyasha could again sense her fatigue, and knew that she would go back to bed soon. For the moment, he simply wished to enjoy this time with her, now that he was finally comfortable letting their conversation draw to a close. They would talk more tomorrow, he was sure. About his feelings, about the things Hakago had done while possessing his body, and most importantly about their future. They would grow closer once more, emotionally and physically. No matter how long it took, he would banish every iota of doubt from Kagome’s mind. And he, Inuyasha, an orphaned half-breed with no wealth or social skills to speak of, would become the mate and husband she deserved.
But that was for tomorrow. For tonight, they would heal quietly in each other’s embrace, for as long as either of them needed.