InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Forget Me Not ❯ Happiness and Sacrifice ( Chapter 6 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: SplendentGoddess 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama / Angst | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 06.23.2011 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 3.2K | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama / Angst | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 06.23.2011 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 3.2K | Status: Completed
Blanket Disclaimer:
Inuyasha, and the characters therein, are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I am in no way affiliated with Takahashi, or VIZ Productions.
========================
Chapter 6 – Happiness and Sacrifice
As time continued to progress, Inuyasha continued to spend his free days perched in the branches of the Goshinboku. He found the sacred tree’s influence no less calming even after almost four whole years had passed. Where had the time gone? Miroku and Sango had two energetic little girls and a healthy baby boy. Shippou still came around from time to time though those days he spent the majority of his time with his own kind, studying to become a powerful kitsune illusionist. Kaede was still alive, though it was easy to tell she was getting on in years. But the elderly miko no longer lived alone, Rin having taken up temporary residence within their village under the watchful eye of the old miko.
For a time, Kikyou had finally loosened up a bit when it came to their physical intimacy. While still insistent on being careful and using the herbs, the two had finally actually managed to have a discussion on the matter. Kikyou had been more apologetic than he would have preferred, appreciating her honesty, if nothing else. While she could see past her ingrained teachings and beliefs to see the good in him and love his human heart despite his youkai blood, Kikyou had found that she simply could not, nor would she ever be able to allow herself to carry a part-youkai child. While it was true that a small part of her had difficulty stomaching the idea of having a part-youkai child, a lot of her reluctance actually came from the fear that her own miko aura would reject the pregnancy to begin with, and she didn’t want to go through something like that. She would much rather never get pregnant in the first place, then miscarry and know that it had been because her own aura had killed her baby. Inuyasha hadn’t even considered the possibility that her reiki could interfere with the youki of a developing fetus. Was it possible that her body really could reject the baby?
Perhaps…Miroku had explained to him one afternoon in private.
Since that was only half of the problem, and a part of Kikyou honestly did not want to mother a demonic child, it was very likely that her own inner feelings on the matter would cause her aura to rise up against an unborn infant, even on a subconscious level. It was true that a miko’s aura feeling youki from within her own body would probably instinctively perceive the sensation as a threat, as a possession or invasion of some sort. She would truly have to want the baby in order to prevent her aura from unintentionally harming it. If she agreed to bear him a child, but only out of her sense of obligation, she might very well lose the pregnancy, her body reacting on its own based on her inner most feelings on the matter, despite her outward compliance.
The way Kikyou had made it sound when they had finally had that discussion, it had been a tremendous sacrifice on her part, her having agreed to become his wife even with him as a hanyou, because by marrying him she had voluntarily given up her dream of one day becoming a mother. Her words had hurt him…more than he would ever allow her to know…but deep down inside Inuyasha had honestly understood her position. Again he tried to remind himself of just how lucky he really was. To have a woman willing to give up so much for him, willing to become his wife…the wife of a hanyou. While none of the residents in their local village community outwardly objected to their union, Inuyasha had spent far too many years on his own to have so easily forgotten how most people felt about those of mixed blood.
Apparently, it was a truth that Kikyou didn’t find all that easy to forget about, either.
While it was true that for a time she had loosened up, allowing herself to enjoy their moments of intimacy more passionately, even on nights other than the new moon, those moments had begun fading away again as time went on. Kikyou had also begun spending more of her time during the day with other people in the village, leaving Inuyasha with more days to be alone with his own thoughts, like he was in that moment, sitting in the branches of the Goshinboku, waiting for Kikyou to come tell him when she was done with her rounds. Sometimes he found himself getting jealous that it was almost as if Kikyou would rather tend to the sick than spend any quality time with him any more, but he knew that that was a foolish, selfish thought. The village needed her; she was their healer, after all
Allowing his mind to wander as he often did whenever left to his own devices for too long, Inuyasha soon found his thoughts drifting in the direction of a certain miko of the future. He wondered how Kagome was doing, what Kagome was doing, and if she missed him anywhere near as badly as he missed her. While he knew she had been telling the truth when she’d told him that she loved him – she never would have asked him to spend the night with her if she hadn’t felt that way about him – Inuyasha didn’t know whether or not to hope that she too had moved on. The selfish part of him wanted to keep her all to himself, despite him currently sharing his life with Kikyou. How was that fair? But if the fates were on his side, if he planned things right, then he could show up on her doorstep later the same morning after his past-self had ditched out, apologizing and sweeping her off her feet. Sure, it had a bitter, ‘Hey, my life with Kikyou is over with, so now it’s your turn’ feel to it, if you allowed your heart to drift that way, but Kagome was a very forgiving person, and he did not believe she would hold such a grudge against him…at least not for long.
Still, another, less selfish part of him hoped that Kagome was happy, even if it wasn’t with him. Assuming he somehow didn’t make it back to her time, which was always a possibility – one actually much larger than he was willing to admit – then the last thing he wanted was for Kagome to be crying herself to sleep every night. Once upon a time he had been willing to give Kagome up, when he had first realized that he had to be there for Kikyou, and he had known even back then that it wouldn’t have been fair to keep leading Kagome on when Kikyou was back in his life. It had been the future-born miko’s own decision to remain by his side at that time, and now…now it had been her decision to step gracefully out of his life. He had given Kagome up long ago…it had just taken her a long time to finally leave.
She could find someone new if she really wanted to, of that he was certain. There had always been that Hojo guy that’d shown interest in her, right?
A twinge of jealousy rushed through him at the passing thought, though he immediately damped it down, knowing he had absolutely no right to be jealous of any potential male suitors for Kagome. She deserved to be happy, even if it wasn’t with him. He was man enough to admit that, at least to himself, and if he wanted to put a stop to it, well then he would just have to make sure to be there the morning of his past-self’s departure, now wouldn’t he?
Lifting his hand to finger the small, heart shaped metal pendant that hung around his neck, Inuyasha debated for the umpteenth time on whether or not he should open it. Finally giving into temptation, he carefully unhooked the chain before bringing the locket into his line of vision, opening it with a soft click. Gazing at the pictures within, he permitted a lazy chuckle to escape his throat. Oh yes, he remembered that day well. He and Kagome had been arguing again…so what else was new? Oh, how about Souta tossing a coin into the photo booth they happened to be sitting in? Yeah, that part had been new, all right. He remembered how quickly he’d forgotten about their petty squabble when the camera’s flash had first startled him, and believing that Kagome was in danger, he had almost destroyed the photo booth before she had been forced to use the rosary.
The rosary…
He never thought he would one day find himself actually missing the infernal thing, but the truth was that if it weren’t for Kagome’s locket, he probably would have wanted to keep the rosary for himself, as a keepsake reminder. But he didn’t really need it for that purpose when he had the locket, and so he was glad that Kagome was able to keep it as a memento for herself, instead. Not that he supposed she could ever possibly come to forget about him, but he definitely understood her desire to keep something of his with her always. That was why he had left her that carving on her windowsill. Supposing, just supposing that he somehow didn’t end up making it back to her time again, then he would never be able to tell her aloud that he loved her. At least in that one small way, he had managed to tell her his feelings, even if it wasn’t with words.
Closing the locket before something could happen to the photographs, Inuyasha hooked the chain back around his neck before releasing a tired sigh of boredom. He wondered how much longer Kikyou was going to take doing her rounds in the village; he was getting hungry. When Kikyou’s scent finally hit him on the breeze, however, he immediately wished that it hadn’t. She smelled of sweat, of fatigue, but also of tears, of guilt and of fear. It was not the first time she had returned to him with such a potent mixture of scents saturating her person, but as she approached his position, offering him a small smile as if there was nothing at all amiss, it was also not the first time that Inuyasha chose to remain quiet on the subject. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know…
“Husband,” Kikyou said then, knowing it was her duty to come and inform him of when she was done with her daily chores. “I am finished in the village for today. I will have dinner prepared shortly.” she said, before turning and heading back in the direction of their hut.
Leaping down from his perch, Inuyasha followed silently behind her, not bothered by what some passersby might presume to be an improper act, him walking behind his wife. He used the time to study her; her posture, her ever-changing scent, and her expression when she glanced back his way upon reaching their hut all bespoke of secrets being kept. At first, he hadn’t paid any attention to the various odors that would cloud her own upon returning from her duties in the village. She was bound to end up smelling of sickness, of the pain or misery of whomever she was treating, not to mention herbs and potions, sweat and exhaustion. A mixture of those scents was always to be expected, along with the various scents of the other villagers themselves, as she went from door to door treating the sick and injured. But then Inuyasha had started to notice that on certain days Kikyou would also smell of sadness, of longing and sometimes even of tears. They could have been considered an empathic reaction towards someone else’s plight of which she had been aiding, but that did not explain the newer scents he’d started to find in the mix as of late, guilt and fear.
Dinner that night was as quiet as any other dinner in recent weeks. The following night was the new moon, and for once Inuyasha was actually looking forward to losing his enhanced sense of smell for one night.
He embraced it when the change consumed him, his body allowing him, at least for one night, to become the husband he knew Kikyou truly wanted. He got the distinct impression that his human side was whom she always attempted to see whenever she would look into his amber eyes on any other night of the month. On more than one occasion she had made mention in passing of his human heart, which even he would agree he possessed considering the wide range of emotions he knew he experienced that most other youkai did not. Still, his emotions were always much stronger during the nights of the new moon, held at bay, at least in part, by his youkai blood at all other times. He still felt his emotions deep down inside, but was more able to conceal them while in his hanyou form. Kikyou, he knew, looked at his hanyou form like a curse, as if his human side was whom he truly was inside, and at all other moments of his life he was merely trapped away in a demonic body against his will. She did her best to love him even while in his hanyou form, but he could never miss the obvious relief that always washed through her to ‘finally’ once again be reacquainted with the ‘real’ him.
So, needless to say, Inuyasha could not ignore the fact that something was definitely the matter when, even while in his human form, Kikyou seemed reluctant to be intimate that night.
“What is it?” he asked before he could stop himself, his heightened emotions getting the better of him.
They had had a silent agreement, after all, that she would always be his fully during his human night. For the last three and a half years she had never once failed to welcome him openly during the new moon.
“Nothing…” she attempted to lie, hoping to get away with it while she knew he couldn’t smell her deceit.
Immediately she began to return his passion, leaning forward to kiss his neck, but he wasn’t fooled, and pulling away from her touch, he placed both hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look him in the eye.
“Something is troubling you, has been troubling you, for a long time now.” he said softly, his human heart flowing freely through his eyes of chocolate brown.
“Hana is pregnant.” she finally confessed, averting her eyes.
Inuyasha knew who Hana was. Living in a village that small, it didn’t really take that long to get to know everybody, at least in passing.
“Is she okay?” he asked his wife, his first thoughts taking him down a dark path. “Is she having complications?”
He could understand the sudden guilt and fear that sometimes lingered in Kikyou’s aura if she was worried that Hana would lose the baby, blaming herself for not being able to do more to help her. He started to feel relieved that that might be the problem, even as he felt guilty himself for finding relief in Hana’s suffering.
“No, Hana is perfectly healthy.” Kikyou answered then, causing Inuyasha to feel a reversed feeling of relief mixed with dread. He hadn’t truly wanted Hana to be having difficulties, so he was glad for her, but if that wasn’t the problem, then what was?
“So then, what’s wrong?” he asked her softly.
Kikyou looked away in shame, and suddenly he understood.
“You feel jealous of her pregnancy. You long to have your own child.”
She whipped her head back around to face him, self-defense on her tongue, but he raised a hand to silence her and she reluctantly closed her mouth.
“It’s okay to feel jealous of her Kikyou, a little bit on the inside. That’s a perfectly normal reaction and it only makes you human.” he told her gently, believing her guilt probably came from her jealousy, thinking that it was wrong of her to crave what she did not have.
But that doesn’t explain the fear… his mind reminded him, though he chose to ignore it. Perhaps she merely feared what she was becoming, a bitter woman who would dare feel jaded in the face of other peoples’ happiness.
Her next words destroyed all the precariously stacked hope and denial he had piled up all around him like yanking out the bottom brick of a wall and watching it tumble down.
“Hana has an older brother…Akio.”
For some reason, even just the way she pronounced his name was like a confession of sin. Oh, he knew Kikyou had not truly been unfaithful to him, he would’ve been able to smell that for sure, and there would have been no two ways about it, but when the heart strays it leaves no scent trail.
Still, even as he met her eyes in that moment, mirrored pools of chocolate staring into each other in the flickering light of their fire pit, sharing a look that said ‘I know you know’…Inuyasha wasn’t ready, just yet, to face the facts.
“Oh…?” he tried his best to inquire nonchalantly. “Does he…” He cleared his throat. “Is he taking good care of his sister? Hana’s husband is away, is he not?”
He’d never spoken so formally in all the time she’d known him. Honestly, Kikyou thought she might actually prefer being cursed at than this charade.
“Yes, though he is due back from his travels long before their baby will arrive.”
“Well…that’s good.” Inuyasha stated blandly, a little bite seeping into his voice as he added, “Though I’m sure Akio can take care of her during her husband’s absence.”
Kikyou cringed. She didn’t even bother trying to deny her feelings, jumping right into insisting, “Nothing has happened between us. You would know it in an instant.”
“Nothing physical, perhaps, but something has happened between you, unless your feelings are one sided?” he finished questioningly. He needed to know whether or not Akio deserved his wrath.
“His feelings for me…” Kikyou began hesitantly. “…are stronger than I had expected.”
Inuyasha sneered.
“Does he want to save you from the half-breed?” he asked sarcastically.
Bristling, she knew she had no right to defend herself, but still felt she needed to defend Akio as she insisted, “He has never said one word against you.”
“I’m sure he’s sung my praises to the heavens.” he replied with a roll of his eyes.
Turning away and adding more wood to the fire for something to occupy herself with for the measly few seconds it took to accomplish the task, Kikyou sighed before finally turning back to face her heartbroken husband. How could she have done this? How could she have been unfaithful to him? She hadn’t been, with her body, but with her heart…
“I know this will offer little comfort, but please know these words are true. I never intended for any of this to happen. When I agreed to be your wife, it was my honest belief and intention that I would remain yours for the rest of my days. Hana is staying with Akio and their parents while her husband is away, and I have been going there routinely only because of her pregnancy, I swear it. I have made no extra trips to see Akio alone.”
“Though I’m sure you look forward to seeing him when you do go over there.” Inuyasha argued.
“We have…spoken…of things that cannot be.” Kikyou confessed quietly, wondering if he would even hear her words with his human ears, they were so quiet.
One look at his expression assured her he’d heard her, though, as he stared unblinkingly into their fire.
“Husband…” Wincing, Kikyou closed her eyes, and corrected softly, “Inuyasha…”
Glancing her way with pain in his eyes, she almost didn’t hear his defeated whisper.
“It’s okay…” he told her, and he found that deep inside, while it really wasn’t okay, a part of him was still being honest with her. Above all, he wanted her to be happy.
Was this how Kagome felt, giving me up for my own sake?
“Inuyasha?”
“You…should be with the man you love.”
“I do love you, I swear it.” Kikyou said then, her tone insistent. But then meeting Inuyasha’s eyes with reluctant truth shimmering behind her own, she added, “Just…not as much as I know I should.”
Inuyasha chuckled humorlessly at his wife’s confession, knowing he really had no right to criticize her. He knew from firsthand experience how the heart could split in half, how you could love two different people at the same time, and how you ultimately had to make a choice, no matter how badly it might hurt somebody you cared about. Was this what irony felt like?
“Go…” he told her then, his tone forgiving as the faintest ghost of a smile brushed past his lips. “Go live with Akio, and be happy.”
“You deserve your own happiness, as well.” Kikyou said softly.
Inuyasha snorted, refusing to comment aloud as he shook his head, looking away from her.
It’s a little late for that, now ain’t it?
As if reading his thoughts, Kikyou hesitantly chimed in with, “I can…I can send you to her.”
Instantly, Inuyasha whipped around to face her directly.
“What do you mean?” he asked, his tone both accusative and urgent.
“The Bone Eater’s Well is not dead,” Kikyou admitted, quickly adding, “But it is sealed, and will require a lot of power to be forced open. I never said anything before because I am honestly not certain if opening the time portal would drain me completely of my powers. It may very well be something that I can only do once, and since you and she had already shared your goodbyes, I did not see the logic in gifting you with merely a second goodbye. If you choose this, Inuyasha, it would be a one-way trip. Kagome cannot return here, of that I am certain. The well would allow you to return here, as this time is rightfully your own, but if I cannot open the well a second time, then that would be it.”
Slowly, Inuyasha nodded his understanding, as he allowed her explanation to wash over him. It was true, he wouldn’t have wanted another goodbye with Kagome, going to see her a second time only to then be locked away from her forever. But now…now that Kikyou would be living with Akio, there was truly no reason for him to return to their time. It would be worth it, at least, to see if things could work out between him and Kagome. One thought immediately struck him as the situation dawned on him fully. If he traveled back into the future now, via the Bone Eater’s Well, then that would obviously mean that he did not – or would not – wait the long way around, which also meant that it was physically impossible for him to immediately be there for Kagome upon his past-self’s departure. He still was his past-self…in a manner of speaking. But so if he traveled back through the well now, four years later, that would mean that Kagome too had spent the last four years without him. What if she really had moved on? But then…what if she hadn’t? What if returning would be a dream come true, for both of them? He knew in that moment that he would never be able to forget about Kikyou’s offer. He had to go back, and if…if it turned out that there was no longer a place for him in Kagome’s life, well then at least he would have his answer. At least there would be no more nights pondering what-if. Then he could return to his own time and figure out what to do with himself, but he would worry about that later.
“I’ll do it.”
Converting /tmp/phpsYrVmT to /dev/stdout
Inuyasha, and the characters therein, are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I am in no way affiliated with Takahashi, or VIZ Productions.
========================
Chapter 6 – Happiness and Sacrifice
As time continued to progress, Inuyasha continued to spend his free days perched in the branches of the Goshinboku. He found the sacred tree’s influence no less calming even after almost four whole years had passed. Where had the time gone? Miroku and Sango had two energetic little girls and a healthy baby boy. Shippou still came around from time to time though those days he spent the majority of his time with his own kind, studying to become a powerful kitsune illusionist. Kaede was still alive, though it was easy to tell she was getting on in years. But the elderly miko no longer lived alone, Rin having taken up temporary residence within their village under the watchful eye of the old miko.
For a time, Kikyou had finally loosened up a bit when it came to their physical intimacy. While still insistent on being careful and using the herbs, the two had finally actually managed to have a discussion on the matter. Kikyou had been more apologetic than he would have preferred, appreciating her honesty, if nothing else. While she could see past her ingrained teachings and beliefs to see the good in him and love his human heart despite his youkai blood, Kikyou had found that she simply could not, nor would she ever be able to allow herself to carry a part-youkai child. While it was true that a small part of her had difficulty stomaching the idea of having a part-youkai child, a lot of her reluctance actually came from the fear that her own miko aura would reject the pregnancy to begin with, and she didn’t want to go through something like that. She would much rather never get pregnant in the first place, then miscarry and know that it had been because her own aura had killed her baby. Inuyasha hadn’t even considered the possibility that her reiki could interfere with the youki of a developing fetus. Was it possible that her body really could reject the baby?
Perhaps…Miroku had explained to him one afternoon in private.
Since that was only half of the problem, and a part of Kikyou honestly did not want to mother a demonic child, it was very likely that her own inner feelings on the matter would cause her aura to rise up against an unborn infant, even on a subconscious level. It was true that a miko’s aura feeling youki from within her own body would probably instinctively perceive the sensation as a threat, as a possession or invasion of some sort. She would truly have to want the baby in order to prevent her aura from unintentionally harming it. If she agreed to bear him a child, but only out of her sense of obligation, she might very well lose the pregnancy, her body reacting on its own based on her inner most feelings on the matter, despite her outward compliance.
The way Kikyou had made it sound when they had finally had that discussion, it had been a tremendous sacrifice on her part, her having agreed to become his wife even with him as a hanyou, because by marrying him she had voluntarily given up her dream of one day becoming a mother. Her words had hurt him…more than he would ever allow her to know…but deep down inside Inuyasha had honestly understood her position. Again he tried to remind himself of just how lucky he really was. To have a woman willing to give up so much for him, willing to become his wife…the wife of a hanyou. While none of the residents in their local village community outwardly objected to their union, Inuyasha had spent far too many years on his own to have so easily forgotten how most people felt about those of mixed blood.
Apparently, it was a truth that Kikyou didn’t find all that easy to forget about, either.
While it was true that for a time she had loosened up, allowing herself to enjoy their moments of intimacy more passionately, even on nights other than the new moon, those moments had begun fading away again as time went on. Kikyou had also begun spending more of her time during the day with other people in the village, leaving Inuyasha with more days to be alone with his own thoughts, like he was in that moment, sitting in the branches of the Goshinboku, waiting for Kikyou to come tell him when she was done with her rounds. Sometimes he found himself getting jealous that it was almost as if Kikyou would rather tend to the sick than spend any quality time with him any more, but he knew that that was a foolish, selfish thought. The village needed her; she was their healer, after all
Allowing his mind to wander as he often did whenever left to his own devices for too long, Inuyasha soon found his thoughts drifting in the direction of a certain miko of the future. He wondered how Kagome was doing, what Kagome was doing, and if she missed him anywhere near as badly as he missed her. While he knew she had been telling the truth when she’d told him that she loved him – she never would have asked him to spend the night with her if she hadn’t felt that way about him – Inuyasha didn’t know whether or not to hope that she too had moved on. The selfish part of him wanted to keep her all to himself, despite him currently sharing his life with Kikyou. How was that fair? But if the fates were on his side, if he planned things right, then he could show up on her doorstep later the same morning after his past-self had ditched out, apologizing and sweeping her off her feet. Sure, it had a bitter, ‘Hey, my life with Kikyou is over with, so now it’s your turn’ feel to it, if you allowed your heart to drift that way, but Kagome was a very forgiving person, and he did not believe she would hold such a grudge against him…at least not for long.
Still, another, less selfish part of him hoped that Kagome was happy, even if it wasn’t with him. Assuming he somehow didn’t make it back to her time, which was always a possibility – one actually much larger than he was willing to admit – then the last thing he wanted was for Kagome to be crying herself to sleep every night. Once upon a time he had been willing to give Kagome up, when he had first realized that he had to be there for Kikyou, and he had known even back then that it wouldn’t have been fair to keep leading Kagome on when Kikyou was back in his life. It had been the future-born miko’s own decision to remain by his side at that time, and now…now it had been her decision to step gracefully out of his life. He had given Kagome up long ago…it had just taken her a long time to finally leave.
She could find someone new if she really wanted to, of that he was certain. There had always been that Hojo guy that’d shown interest in her, right?
A twinge of jealousy rushed through him at the passing thought, though he immediately damped it down, knowing he had absolutely no right to be jealous of any potential male suitors for Kagome. She deserved to be happy, even if it wasn’t with him. He was man enough to admit that, at least to himself, and if he wanted to put a stop to it, well then he would just have to make sure to be there the morning of his past-self’s departure, now wouldn’t he?
Lifting his hand to finger the small, heart shaped metal pendant that hung around his neck, Inuyasha debated for the umpteenth time on whether or not he should open it. Finally giving into temptation, he carefully unhooked the chain before bringing the locket into his line of vision, opening it with a soft click. Gazing at the pictures within, he permitted a lazy chuckle to escape his throat. Oh yes, he remembered that day well. He and Kagome had been arguing again…so what else was new? Oh, how about Souta tossing a coin into the photo booth they happened to be sitting in? Yeah, that part had been new, all right. He remembered how quickly he’d forgotten about their petty squabble when the camera’s flash had first startled him, and believing that Kagome was in danger, he had almost destroyed the photo booth before she had been forced to use the rosary.
The rosary…
He never thought he would one day find himself actually missing the infernal thing, but the truth was that if it weren’t for Kagome’s locket, he probably would have wanted to keep the rosary for himself, as a keepsake reminder. But he didn’t really need it for that purpose when he had the locket, and so he was glad that Kagome was able to keep it as a memento for herself, instead. Not that he supposed she could ever possibly come to forget about him, but he definitely understood her desire to keep something of his with her always. That was why he had left her that carving on her windowsill. Supposing, just supposing that he somehow didn’t end up making it back to her time again, then he would never be able to tell her aloud that he loved her. At least in that one small way, he had managed to tell her his feelings, even if it wasn’t with words.
Closing the locket before something could happen to the photographs, Inuyasha hooked the chain back around his neck before releasing a tired sigh of boredom. He wondered how much longer Kikyou was going to take doing her rounds in the village; he was getting hungry. When Kikyou’s scent finally hit him on the breeze, however, he immediately wished that it hadn’t. She smelled of sweat, of fatigue, but also of tears, of guilt and of fear. It was not the first time she had returned to him with such a potent mixture of scents saturating her person, but as she approached his position, offering him a small smile as if there was nothing at all amiss, it was also not the first time that Inuyasha chose to remain quiet on the subject. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know…
“Husband,” Kikyou said then, knowing it was her duty to come and inform him of when she was done with her daily chores. “I am finished in the village for today. I will have dinner prepared shortly.” she said, before turning and heading back in the direction of their hut.
Leaping down from his perch, Inuyasha followed silently behind her, not bothered by what some passersby might presume to be an improper act, him walking behind his wife. He used the time to study her; her posture, her ever-changing scent, and her expression when she glanced back his way upon reaching their hut all bespoke of secrets being kept. At first, he hadn’t paid any attention to the various odors that would cloud her own upon returning from her duties in the village. She was bound to end up smelling of sickness, of the pain or misery of whomever she was treating, not to mention herbs and potions, sweat and exhaustion. A mixture of those scents was always to be expected, along with the various scents of the other villagers themselves, as she went from door to door treating the sick and injured. But then Inuyasha had started to notice that on certain days Kikyou would also smell of sadness, of longing and sometimes even of tears. They could have been considered an empathic reaction towards someone else’s plight of which she had been aiding, but that did not explain the newer scents he’d started to find in the mix as of late, guilt and fear.
Dinner that night was as quiet as any other dinner in recent weeks. The following night was the new moon, and for once Inuyasha was actually looking forward to losing his enhanced sense of smell for one night.
He embraced it when the change consumed him, his body allowing him, at least for one night, to become the husband he knew Kikyou truly wanted. He got the distinct impression that his human side was whom she always attempted to see whenever she would look into his amber eyes on any other night of the month. On more than one occasion she had made mention in passing of his human heart, which even he would agree he possessed considering the wide range of emotions he knew he experienced that most other youkai did not. Still, his emotions were always much stronger during the nights of the new moon, held at bay, at least in part, by his youkai blood at all other times. He still felt his emotions deep down inside, but was more able to conceal them while in his hanyou form. Kikyou, he knew, looked at his hanyou form like a curse, as if his human side was whom he truly was inside, and at all other moments of his life he was merely trapped away in a demonic body against his will. She did her best to love him even while in his hanyou form, but he could never miss the obvious relief that always washed through her to ‘finally’ once again be reacquainted with the ‘real’ him.
So, needless to say, Inuyasha could not ignore the fact that something was definitely the matter when, even while in his human form, Kikyou seemed reluctant to be intimate that night.
“What is it?” he asked before he could stop himself, his heightened emotions getting the better of him.
They had had a silent agreement, after all, that she would always be his fully during his human night. For the last three and a half years she had never once failed to welcome him openly during the new moon.
“Nothing…” she attempted to lie, hoping to get away with it while she knew he couldn’t smell her deceit.
Immediately she began to return his passion, leaning forward to kiss his neck, but he wasn’t fooled, and pulling away from her touch, he placed both hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look him in the eye.
“Something is troubling you, has been troubling you, for a long time now.” he said softly, his human heart flowing freely through his eyes of chocolate brown.
“Hana is pregnant.” she finally confessed, averting her eyes.
Inuyasha knew who Hana was. Living in a village that small, it didn’t really take that long to get to know everybody, at least in passing.
“Is she okay?” he asked his wife, his first thoughts taking him down a dark path. “Is she having complications?”
He could understand the sudden guilt and fear that sometimes lingered in Kikyou’s aura if she was worried that Hana would lose the baby, blaming herself for not being able to do more to help her. He started to feel relieved that that might be the problem, even as he felt guilty himself for finding relief in Hana’s suffering.
“No, Hana is perfectly healthy.” Kikyou answered then, causing Inuyasha to feel a reversed feeling of relief mixed with dread. He hadn’t truly wanted Hana to be having difficulties, so he was glad for her, but if that wasn’t the problem, then what was?
“So then, what’s wrong?” he asked her softly.
Kikyou looked away in shame, and suddenly he understood.
“You feel jealous of her pregnancy. You long to have your own child.”
She whipped her head back around to face him, self-defense on her tongue, but he raised a hand to silence her and she reluctantly closed her mouth.
“It’s okay to feel jealous of her Kikyou, a little bit on the inside. That’s a perfectly normal reaction and it only makes you human.” he told her gently, believing her guilt probably came from her jealousy, thinking that it was wrong of her to crave what she did not have.
But that doesn’t explain the fear… his mind reminded him, though he chose to ignore it. Perhaps she merely feared what she was becoming, a bitter woman who would dare feel jaded in the face of other peoples’ happiness.
Her next words destroyed all the precariously stacked hope and denial he had piled up all around him like yanking out the bottom brick of a wall and watching it tumble down.
“Hana has an older brother…Akio.”
For some reason, even just the way she pronounced his name was like a confession of sin. Oh, he knew Kikyou had not truly been unfaithful to him, he would’ve been able to smell that for sure, and there would have been no two ways about it, but when the heart strays it leaves no scent trail.
Still, even as he met her eyes in that moment, mirrored pools of chocolate staring into each other in the flickering light of their fire pit, sharing a look that said ‘I know you know’…Inuyasha wasn’t ready, just yet, to face the facts.
“Oh…?” he tried his best to inquire nonchalantly. “Does he…” He cleared his throat. “Is he taking good care of his sister? Hana’s husband is away, is he not?”
He’d never spoken so formally in all the time she’d known him. Honestly, Kikyou thought she might actually prefer being cursed at than this charade.
“Yes, though he is due back from his travels long before their baby will arrive.”
“Well…that’s good.” Inuyasha stated blandly, a little bite seeping into his voice as he added, “Though I’m sure Akio can take care of her during her husband’s absence.”
Kikyou cringed. She didn’t even bother trying to deny her feelings, jumping right into insisting, “Nothing has happened between us. You would know it in an instant.”
“Nothing physical, perhaps, but something has happened between you, unless your feelings are one sided?” he finished questioningly. He needed to know whether or not Akio deserved his wrath.
“His feelings for me…” Kikyou began hesitantly. “…are stronger than I had expected.”
Inuyasha sneered.
“Does he want to save you from the half-breed?” he asked sarcastically.
Bristling, she knew she had no right to defend herself, but still felt she needed to defend Akio as she insisted, “He has never said one word against you.”
“I’m sure he’s sung my praises to the heavens.” he replied with a roll of his eyes.
Turning away and adding more wood to the fire for something to occupy herself with for the measly few seconds it took to accomplish the task, Kikyou sighed before finally turning back to face her heartbroken husband. How could she have done this? How could she have been unfaithful to him? She hadn’t been, with her body, but with her heart…
“I know this will offer little comfort, but please know these words are true. I never intended for any of this to happen. When I agreed to be your wife, it was my honest belief and intention that I would remain yours for the rest of my days. Hana is staying with Akio and their parents while her husband is away, and I have been going there routinely only because of her pregnancy, I swear it. I have made no extra trips to see Akio alone.”
“Though I’m sure you look forward to seeing him when you do go over there.” Inuyasha argued.
“We have…spoken…of things that cannot be.” Kikyou confessed quietly, wondering if he would even hear her words with his human ears, they were so quiet.
One look at his expression assured her he’d heard her, though, as he stared unblinkingly into their fire.
“Husband…” Wincing, Kikyou closed her eyes, and corrected softly, “Inuyasha…”
Glancing her way with pain in his eyes, she almost didn’t hear his defeated whisper.
“It’s okay…” he told her, and he found that deep inside, while it really wasn’t okay, a part of him was still being honest with her. Above all, he wanted her to be happy.
Was this how Kagome felt, giving me up for my own sake?
“Inuyasha?”
“You…should be with the man you love.”
“I do love you, I swear it.” Kikyou said then, her tone insistent. But then meeting Inuyasha’s eyes with reluctant truth shimmering behind her own, she added, “Just…not as much as I know I should.”
Inuyasha chuckled humorlessly at his wife’s confession, knowing he really had no right to criticize her. He knew from firsthand experience how the heart could split in half, how you could love two different people at the same time, and how you ultimately had to make a choice, no matter how badly it might hurt somebody you cared about. Was this what irony felt like?
“Go…” he told her then, his tone forgiving as the faintest ghost of a smile brushed past his lips. “Go live with Akio, and be happy.”
“You deserve your own happiness, as well.” Kikyou said softly.
Inuyasha snorted, refusing to comment aloud as he shook his head, looking away from her.
It’s a little late for that, now ain’t it?
As if reading his thoughts, Kikyou hesitantly chimed in with, “I can…I can send you to her.”
Instantly, Inuyasha whipped around to face her directly.
“What do you mean?” he asked, his tone both accusative and urgent.
“The Bone Eater’s Well is not dead,” Kikyou admitted, quickly adding, “But it is sealed, and will require a lot of power to be forced open. I never said anything before because I am honestly not certain if opening the time portal would drain me completely of my powers. It may very well be something that I can only do once, and since you and she had already shared your goodbyes, I did not see the logic in gifting you with merely a second goodbye. If you choose this, Inuyasha, it would be a one-way trip. Kagome cannot return here, of that I am certain. The well would allow you to return here, as this time is rightfully your own, but if I cannot open the well a second time, then that would be it.”
Slowly, Inuyasha nodded his understanding, as he allowed her explanation to wash over him. It was true, he wouldn’t have wanted another goodbye with Kagome, going to see her a second time only to then be locked away from her forever. But now…now that Kikyou would be living with Akio, there was truly no reason for him to return to their time. It would be worth it, at least, to see if things could work out between him and Kagome. One thought immediately struck him as the situation dawned on him fully. If he traveled back into the future now, via the Bone Eater’s Well, then that would obviously mean that he did not – or would not – wait the long way around, which also meant that it was physically impossible for him to immediately be there for Kagome upon his past-self’s departure. He still was his past-self…in a manner of speaking. But so if he traveled back through the well now, four years later, that would mean that Kagome too had spent the last four years without him. What if she really had moved on? But then…what if she hadn’t? What if returning would be a dream come true, for both of them? He knew in that moment that he would never be able to forget about Kikyou’s offer. He had to go back, and if…if it turned out that there was no longer a place for him in Kagome’s life, well then at least he would have his answer. At least there would be no more nights pondering what-if. Then he could return to his own time and figure out what to do with himself, but he would worry about that later.
“I’ll do it.”
Converting /tmp/phpsYrVmT to /dev/stdout