InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ No More Hope ❯ Reliving ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Ame Tenshi 
Emotions are felt, thoughts told, and a hanyou listens.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 03.09.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.6K | Visits: 731 | Status: Completed
Emotions are felt, thoughts told, and a hanyou listens.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 03.09.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.6K | Visits: 731 | Status: Completed
~*Kagome's POV*~
I rubbed my forehead. After they explained everything to me, I told them to go to sleep. It's not like I don't want them here... It's just... no matter how long it's been, the pain is still fresh you know? From my spin chair, I looked over all the faces I haven't seen in years. Sango and Rin was asleep in the couch-bed. In-between them was Shippou curled up against Sango's side. Miroku occupied my bed, and Inuyasha and Sesshomaru slept on the floor. I sighed. Guess where I was stuck? Yup. Sleeping at my guest. I should be damned for my politeness. Even when they declined I told them to sleep wherever they chose. Sheesh. Look where it gets me. A stiff neck and an uncomfortable position.
It was only hours ago when they came here. Then, after an hour of explinations, everyone ate and went to sleep. That was... eight hours ago. I was able to get some sleep, sure, but I had awakened to my stiff neck, and it was then that I realised, they were back. The sun would rise anytime soon now. What do I do? I mean it's only Sunday. I have to go to class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The rest of my days are free. I spend them wisely though. Reading fanfictions. Heh... but that's not the case. I need to find an apartment. I wont be able to house them here in the dorm. Maybe I can ask that my scholarship be included with a larger room. They offered me one, but I said no. I guess I can use that big mini-house now eh?
I spun around in my chair. When it came to a stop, my eyes landed on one person. Inuyasha. I have no reason why he came back. Probably to rub that fact in that Kikyou is better than me. Kikyou can do ANYTHING. Kikyou, Kikyou, Kikyou. Bitch. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be in this mess! If she hadn't fell for Naraku's trap I wouldn't have met Inuyasha. Thus, I wouldn't be so 'depressed'. Gods I hate her. Messing up my damn life. Why didn't she take Inuyasha with her to hell?! That was HOW many years ago? You would've thought she would have had the oppurtunity to take him with her. God! I wish I could just-
"Kagome!!!" Shit.
"Yes," I gritted my teeth, "Inuyasha?"
"Where the hell is tha ramen stuff you used to bring? Don't you have those here? If Kikyou were here, she would have had everything!" He yelled at me. What'd I tell you? Kikyou. By now, everyone was awake and staring at Inuyasha like he was insane. Hell, I would have stared if I wasn't so pissed. I could just tell my eyebrow was twitching, and that my aura had turned a dangerous blue. I even saw Miroku back up until he was as far away from me as possible. Straining my voice, I was able to sound deadly calm.
"Why no Inuyasha. I don't have ramen. Kikyou would have had it eh? Well then, I suggest you fucking turn your sorry ass around and go back to your time. Go back to your ever-so-precious Kikyou. Go back to her and beg at her feet. If you're lucky this time maybe she'll take you back to hell. But fucking don't tell me what Kikyou would have done. Don't fucking tell me what Kikyou has done. And don't fucking tell me what I should do," I looked around and everyone was staring at me in shock. What? Haven't they ever seen anyone cuss before? Well, I admit that was a little... harsh... but after all these years, and after all this time he's still comparing me to that walking corpse. "I'm going out for a walk," I said, "Don't follow me." With that I turned around and walked away. Similar to how I walked away the last time. This time though they know I'll be back.
After I got outside the room, I locked it with the miko powers I was able to master. I guess putting your anger and sadness had to have an upside right? Well, at least I know they wont be able to terrorize what has become my 'home' I guess you could say. Damn. Three years. Three frigen years. It's been long... I shook my head and sighed. My first stop was the office, there I had my dorm changed to one of the houses surrounding the campus. Thank God for scholarships. At least I know I don't have to get a job yet. My next stop would be Mc Donalds. Hey? A girl needs to eat right? What's better than a Sausage McMuffin with hashbrowns! Yum...
After I ordered my food, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my MP3 player. I never go anywhere without it. So I sat there eating my food, listening to music. Peaceful scene right? Right. So anyways, I was there minding my own buisness when....
"Kagome?! Where the hell are you?! You were supposed to back at your 'de-rm' an hour ago!" I stared at the yelling hanyou. What an idiot. I can't BELIEVE my miko powers didn't stop him. WHY?! WHY WHY WHY GO WHY?! Someone hates me up there huh? God save me from the-
"THERE YOU ARE! HAVEN'T YOU LISTENED TO ME?! OR ARE YOU DEAF TOO! C'MON WERE GETTING OUT OF HERE!!!" He grabbed my arm and dragged my through the double doors, people staring at us as we left.
"Dammit Inuyasha!" I screamed, and ripped my arm from his grasp.
"You should be happy enough that I cared to look for you!"
"I thought I told you not to follow me!"
"I don't CARE what you say!"
"Fine then! If you DON'T care, then LEAVE! LEAVE INUYASHA LEAVE!" I screamed, and ran away. I wont cry, I'm too strong for that. But I will hurt anyone who gets in my way.
After about an hour of cooling down, and music, I found myself at the collage. I trudged up the stairways, I knew I had to go back, but that didn't mean I couldn't dread it. I opened the door, and was surprised to see, that everyone was in the same postion as I left them. Just... there. I shrugged. Might as well enjoy their shock. I went over to my laptop and turned it on. I typed in my password, then began to listen to music. After the blast of sounds, I guess everyone was finally out of their solid state.
"Kagome-sama... didn't you just leave...?" Miroku asked while pointing to the door.
"Oh, I've been gone for three hours." I replied casually, not looking at them. I can tell the gaped at me. Well, not my problem is it? I sighed. Yeah... It IS my problem. Shit.
"Okay yeah, I was gone, then I came back. Alright? Good. Sit Down. Eat. Whatever, just don't bring anything up for awhile." I told them. Then I turned around, and started to type my essay. This is going to be a long day.
I yawned. I looked at the time, it read 4:00 PM. Damn. I've been working so hard, I forgot that I wasn't alone. Hey... wait a minute... I jerked around and I stared. Everyone just sat there... staring at me... like Zombies or something. It was... freaky...
"What?" I asked.
"Kagome... Tell us. What happened when you left." Sango said, she hesitated. Probably now aware of my dangerous mood swings. Worse than Inuyasha. You can bet on that.
"Is that what everyone wants?" They nodded. "Alright..."
"When I exited the well, I never did seal it. I couldn't. Without the Shikon No Tama, I wasn't able to pass through. I never worried about going back on my word. Eventually, I began to wonder if Inuyasha would come back for me. I doubted it of course, but I still let that ray of hope shine through. Days went by. The days turned to weeks. The weeks to months. The months to years. I still hoped. Until last year when I applied for collage, I hoped that someday Inuyasha would come back for me. When I did leave the shrine, I guess I left all my hopes too. When I came back, my friends I guess you could call them, asked me if I truly wanted to stay with Hojo. If I didn't they would stop harassing me about him. I told them I didn't. This time they respected my wishes and let me be.
I became an honor roll student once again, and was the top of my class. It was my escape. When I worked I didn't have time to think about Inuyasha, you guys, or Sengoku Jidai. I stopped dating. I stopped liking anyone. From past experiences, I thought, I didn't need to fall in love again. It hurt too much. Of course I had to put up my happy face facade right? No one noticed. No one noticed how I never engaged in a conversation. No one noticed how I only talked when spoke to. I didn't really care though. If they didn't notice me, I thought it was for the better. Then I was sent a scholarship. To one of the finest collages in Japan. I couldn't and wouldn't turn it down.
Without my friends attending the same collage, I was able to let my mask slip. Let the real me actually show. During the year I never made friends, nor did I try to make them. I had this thing with loneliness. I started to change my wardrobe. As you can see," I motioned towards my clothes, "That all I wear is black and gray. Maybe even the ocasional white. But that's it. I also started to write. Short stories at first. More like small auto-biographies of my life. It became more realistic. The characters names were never our own. Always made up. I also became a poet. I would usually go to the downtown cafe and recite my poetry there.
When I was choosing my major in collage, I wanted to do something that helped people. My first thought was a phsychiatrist. I didn't want to do that though, it would only add their problems to my own. So I decided on medicine. I've always had this fascination with medicine and herbs, also I wanted to make life longer for others. So they could experience what I haven't. Love and belonging. I was tedious in my work, and was always praised by my piers and professors. I thought I finally had meaning. That maybe I could get over Inuyasha, that maybe I wouldn't have to hold onto that small ray of hope.
When I thought that, it was only the previous month. I was slowly but surely getting my old life back. I stayed to what I wore, what I did, and I never did make more friends. But I smiled more often, and saw the brighter things in life. I had finally let go of my old hope, and made room for new ones. Sort of like a new beggining I guess. I started to train my miko powers. Taking control of them using my emotions. Just last week I mastered my abilities as a miko. I was damn proud of it too. It was last night when I was reminded of what had happened three years ago. All because of one song I broke. I broke under the small defenses that had taken years to build up. I just lost it... " They looked at me in awe and surprise.
"Kagome-Sama, how is it... that... we did not find you crying when we got here? How is it that you were able to not cry when you left us on that faithful day?" Miroku asked me.
"I never cried Miroku. I used to think that meant I was stronger then what they put up against me. I thought I was stronger than my emotions. It took me about a year after I left to realize that, the worst pain, is the one where no tears are shed. And where doubts are always present. Of course I wanted to cry though. Those rare times when just letting the tears out would help. I never could go through with it. I had a feeling, that if I cried, then everything would be real. That it wouldn't have been just a lost cause on my part. That Inuyasha has left me for good. But you know what? From what happened this morning, I don't need to fear anymore. Inuyasha has left me for good. I wanted him happy, at the price of my own happiness.
I still regret my choice though. I mean, I'm not that naive, I know what I've done, I've seen how it affected me. I loved him. I probably still do. I wont let my emotions get away with it though. This morning when all he did was say 'Kikyou this... and Kikyou that...' it hurt you know? If he was going to compare me with her, then why return to my time? To taunt me? To make fun of me? To say that this isn't what Kikyou would've done? He always says, I'm not Kikyou. I know that, but I have a feeling that he doesn't. I was always a replacement, a detector, a whatever. I was never something so important to him, as to have him care about what I felt."
"Kagome, maybe... Inuyasha is just... covering up his feelings with his aroggance?" Rin said. More of a question than statement.
"Rin, you have grown, matured too," She smiled at my compliment, "I'm sure though, that Inuyasha does not care for me." Everyone gasped at my statment, then looked at me, urging me to continue. "His heart is not with me, but with someone else. I knew from the beggining that he would never have been mine. It's just that realization just... hits you so hard. Giving you a bitter taste of reality. This is reality you guys. MY reality. He doesn't love me. He holds my heart, But I will never hold his." I finished my rant. They stared at me. Just stared. Then Shippou said,
"Okaa-san, you are a brave woman. You are brave to face what most feared Okaa-san." He told me. I smiled. My first real smile in a long time. It was nice to be known as the mother to the little kit.
"Dear Shippou-chan, bravery is something great. But to have love," I looked pointedly at Miroku and Sango, Rin and Sesshomaru, " Is the greatest thing of all." I put him onto my lap and gave him a hug, then layed my head upon his. "Yes Shippou-chan... to have love... is the greatest thing of all..." The group exchanged empathetic looks as they watched their friend hold her adopted son, and hope for something more. Something that may never come.
Unbeknowest to them, A figure with bright golden amber eyes looked in from the window. Perched upon the tree, he listened tentivly at the confession. He watched her sadden face and knew he was the cause. His voice barely a whisper, was swept away by the wind, "Kagome... I'm so sorry..."
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Ame: *stares* It's short, and I bet it sucked.
Kori: No comment.
Ame: Damn muse. Whatever... well please review, I would appreciate it if you didn't flame.
I rubbed my forehead. After they explained everything to me, I told them to go to sleep. It's not like I don't want them here... It's just... no matter how long it's been, the pain is still fresh you know? From my spin chair, I looked over all the faces I haven't seen in years. Sango and Rin was asleep in the couch-bed. In-between them was Shippou curled up against Sango's side. Miroku occupied my bed, and Inuyasha and Sesshomaru slept on the floor. I sighed. Guess where I was stuck? Yup. Sleeping at my guest. I should be damned for my politeness. Even when they declined I told them to sleep wherever they chose. Sheesh. Look where it gets me. A stiff neck and an uncomfortable position.
It was only hours ago when they came here. Then, after an hour of explinations, everyone ate and went to sleep. That was... eight hours ago. I was able to get some sleep, sure, but I had awakened to my stiff neck, and it was then that I realised, they were back. The sun would rise anytime soon now. What do I do? I mean it's only Sunday. I have to go to class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The rest of my days are free. I spend them wisely though. Reading fanfictions. Heh... but that's not the case. I need to find an apartment. I wont be able to house them here in the dorm. Maybe I can ask that my scholarship be included with a larger room. They offered me one, but I said no. I guess I can use that big mini-house now eh?
I spun around in my chair. When it came to a stop, my eyes landed on one person. Inuyasha. I have no reason why he came back. Probably to rub that fact in that Kikyou is better than me. Kikyou can do ANYTHING. Kikyou, Kikyou, Kikyou. Bitch. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be in this mess! If she hadn't fell for Naraku's trap I wouldn't have met Inuyasha. Thus, I wouldn't be so 'depressed'. Gods I hate her. Messing up my damn life. Why didn't she take Inuyasha with her to hell?! That was HOW many years ago? You would've thought she would have had the oppurtunity to take him with her. God! I wish I could just-
"Kagome!!!" Shit.
"Yes," I gritted my teeth, "Inuyasha?"
"Where the hell is tha ramen stuff you used to bring? Don't you have those here? If Kikyou were here, she would have had everything!" He yelled at me. What'd I tell you? Kikyou. By now, everyone was awake and staring at Inuyasha like he was insane. Hell, I would have stared if I wasn't so pissed. I could just tell my eyebrow was twitching, and that my aura had turned a dangerous blue. I even saw Miroku back up until he was as far away from me as possible. Straining my voice, I was able to sound deadly calm.
"Why no Inuyasha. I don't have ramen. Kikyou would have had it eh? Well then, I suggest you fucking turn your sorry ass around and go back to your time. Go back to your ever-so-precious Kikyou. Go back to her and beg at her feet. If you're lucky this time maybe she'll take you back to hell. But fucking don't tell me what Kikyou would have done. Don't fucking tell me what Kikyou has done. And don't fucking tell me what I should do," I looked around and everyone was staring at me in shock. What? Haven't they ever seen anyone cuss before? Well, I admit that was a little... harsh... but after all these years, and after all this time he's still comparing me to that walking corpse. "I'm going out for a walk," I said, "Don't follow me." With that I turned around and walked away. Similar to how I walked away the last time. This time though they know I'll be back.
After I got outside the room, I locked it with the miko powers I was able to master. I guess putting your anger and sadness had to have an upside right? Well, at least I know they wont be able to terrorize what has become my 'home' I guess you could say. Damn. Three years. Three frigen years. It's been long... I shook my head and sighed. My first stop was the office, there I had my dorm changed to one of the houses surrounding the campus. Thank God for scholarships. At least I know I don't have to get a job yet. My next stop would be Mc Donalds. Hey? A girl needs to eat right? What's better than a Sausage McMuffin with hashbrowns! Yum...
After I ordered my food, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my MP3 player. I never go anywhere without it. So I sat there eating my food, listening to music. Peaceful scene right? Right. So anyways, I was there minding my own buisness when....
"Kagome?! Where the hell are you?! You were supposed to back at your 'de-rm' an hour ago!" I stared at the yelling hanyou. What an idiot. I can't BELIEVE my miko powers didn't stop him. WHY?! WHY WHY WHY GO WHY?! Someone hates me up there huh? God save me from the-
"THERE YOU ARE! HAVEN'T YOU LISTENED TO ME?! OR ARE YOU DEAF TOO! C'MON WERE GETTING OUT OF HERE!!!" He grabbed my arm and dragged my through the double doors, people staring at us as we left.
"Dammit Inuyasha!" I screamed, and ripped my arm from his grasp.
"You should be happy enough that I cared to look for you!"
"I thought I told you not to follow me!"
"I don't CARE what you say!"
"Fine then! If you DON'T care, then LEAVE! LEAVE INUYASHA LEAVE!" I screamed, and ran away. I wont cry, I'm too strong for that. But I will hurt anyone who gets in my way.
After about an hour of cooling down, and music, I found myself at the collage. I trudged up the stairways, I knew I had to go back, but that didn't mean I couldn't dread it. I opened the door, and was surprised to see, that everyone was in the same postion as I left them. Just... there. I shrugged. Might as well enjoy their shock. I went over to my laptop and turned it on. I typed in my password, then began to listen to music. After the blast of sounds, I guess everyone was finally out of their solid state.
"Kagome-sama... didn't you just leave...?" Miroku asked while pointing to the door.
"Oh, I've been gone for three hours." I replied casually, not looking at them. I can tell the gaped at me. Well, not my problem is it? I sighed. Yeah... It IS my problem. Shit.
"Okay yeah, I was gone, then I came back. Alright? Good. Sit Down. Eat. Whatever, just don't bring anything up for awhile." I told them. Then I turned around, and started to type my essay. This is going to be a long day.
I yawned. I looked at the time, it read 4:00 PM. Damn. I've been working so hard, I forgot that I wasn't alone. Hey... wait a minute... I jerked around and I stared. Everyone just sat there... staring at me... like Zombies or something. It was... freaky...
"What?" I asked.
"Kagome... Tell us. What happened when you left." Sango said, she hesitated. Probably now aware of my dangerous mood swings. Worse than Inuyasha. You can bet on that.
"Is that what everyone wants?" They nodded. "Alright..."
"When I exited the well, I never did seal it. I couldn't. Without the Shikon No Tama, I wasn't able to pass through. I never worried about going back on my word. Eventually, I began to wonder if Inuyasha would come back for me. I doubted it of course, but I still let that ray of hope shine through. Days went by. The days turned to weeks. The weeks to months. The months to years. I still hoped. Until last year when I applied for collage, I hoped that someday Inuyasha would come back for me. When I did leave the shrine, I guess I left all my hopes too. When I came back, my friends I guess you could call them, asked me if I truly wanted to stay with Hojo. If I didn't they would stop harassing me about him. I told them I didn't. This time they respected my wishes and let me be.
I became an honor roll student once again, and was the top of my class. It was my escape. When I worked I didn't have time to think about Inuyasha, you guys, or Sengoku Jidai. I stopped dating. I stopped liking anyone. From past experiences, I thought, I didn't need to fall in love again. It hurt too much. Of course I had to put up my happy face facade right? No one noticed. No one noticed how I never engaged in a conversation. No one noticed how I only talked when spoke to. I didn't really care though. If they didn't notice me, I thought it was for the better. Then I was sent a scholarship. To one of the finest collages in Japan. I couldn't and wouldn't turn it down.
Without my friends attending the same collage, I was able to let my mask slip. Let the real me actually show. During the year I never made friends, nor did I try to make them. I had this thing with loneliness. I started to change my wardrobe. As you can see," I motioned towards my clothes, "That all I wear is black and gray. Maybe even the ocasional white. But that's it. I also started to write. Short stories at first. More like small auto-biographies of my life. It became more realistic. The characters names were never our own. Always made up. I also became a poet. I would usually go to the downtown cafe and recite my poetry there.
When I was choosing my major in collage, I wanted to do something that helped people. My first thought was a phsychiatrist. I didn't want to do that though, it would only add their problems to my own. So I decided on medicine. I've always had this fascination with medicine and herbs, also I wanted to make life longer for others. So they could experience what I haven't. Love and belonging. I was tedious in my work, and was always praised by my piers and professors. I thought I finally had meaning. That maybe I could get over Inuyasha, that maybe I wouldn't have to hold onto that small ray of hope.
When I thought that, it was only the previous month. I was slowly but surely getting my old life back. I stayed to what I wore, what I did, and I never did make more friends. But I smiled more often, and saw the brighter things in life. I had finally let go of my old hope, and made room for new ones. Sort of like a new beggining I guess. I started to train my miko powers. Taking control of them using my emotions. Just last week I mastered my abilities as a miko. I was damn proud of it too. It was last night when I was reminded of what had happened three years ago. All because of one song I broke. I broke under the small defenses that had taken years to build up. I just lost it... " They looked at me in awe and surprise.
"Kagome-Sama, how is it... that... we did not find you crying when we got here? How is it that you were able to not cry when you left us on that faithful day?" Miroku asked me.
"I never cried Miroku. I used to think that meant I was stronger then what they put up against me. I thought I was stronger than my emotions. It took me about a year after I left to realize that, the worst pain, is the one where no tears are shed. And where doubts are always present. Of course I wanted to cry though. Those rare times when just letting the tears out would help. I never could go through with it. I had a feeling, that if I cried, then everything would be real. That it wouldn't have been just a lost cause on my part. That Inuyasha has left me for good. But you know what? From what happened this morning, I don't need to fear anymore. Inuyasha has left me for good. I wanted him happy, at the price of my own happiness.
I still regret my choice though. I mean, I'm not that naive, I know what I've done, I've seen how it affected me. I loved him. I probably still do. I wont let my emotions get away with it though. This morning when all he did was say 'Kikyou this... and Kikyou that...' it hurt you know? If he was going to compare me with her, then why return to my time? To taunt me? To make fun of me? To say that this isn't what Kikyou would've done? He always says, I'm not Kikyou. I know that, but I have a feeling that he doesn't. I was always a replacement, a detector, a whatever. I was never something so important to him, as to have him care about what I felt."
"Kagome, maybe... Inuyasha is just... covering up his feelings with his aroggance?" Rin said. More of a question than statement.
"Rin, you have grown, matured too," She smiled at my compliment, "I'm sure though, that Inuyasha does not care for me." Everyone gasped at my statment, then looked at me, urging me to continue. "His heart is not with me, but with someone else. I knew from the beggining that he would never have been mine. It's just that realization just... hits you so hard. Giving you a bitter taste of reality. This is reality you guys. MY reality. He doesn't love me. He holds my heart, But I will never hold his." I finished my rant. They stared at me. Just stared. Then Shippou said,
"Okaa-san, you are a brave woman. You are brave to face what most feared Okaa-san." He told me. I smiled. My first real smile in a long time. It was nice to be known as the mother to the little kit.
"Dear Shippou-chan, bravery is something great. But to have love," I looked pointedly at Miroku and Sango, Rin and Sesshomaru, " Is the greatest thing of all." I put him onto my lap and gave him a hug, then layed my head upon his. "Yes Shippou-chan... to have love... is the greatest thing of all..." The group exchanged empathetic looks as they watched their friend hold her adopted son, and hope for something more. Something that may never come.
Unbeknowest to them, A figure with bright golden amber eyes looked in from the window. Perched upon the tree, he listened tentivly at the confession. He watched her sadden face and knew he was the cause. His voice barely a whisper, was swept away by the wind, "Kagome... I'm so sorry..."
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Ame: *stares* It's short, and I bet it sucked.
Kori: No comment.
Ame: Damn muse. Whatever... well please review, I would appreciate it if you didn't flame.