InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Shadow In Her Midst ❯ The Perfect Child Smiles ( Chapter 4 )

SHADOW IN HER MIDST

By L.O. a.k.a. azn_otaku

InuYasha Fanfiction

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A/N: So...yeah. I've gotten another chapter out! I'm shifting some of the events that I had in my original timeline around but I still think this is a decent chapter. Please, tell me what you think!

Reader Responses:

Anubis-sama: Hey, you're right! It is that Peacecraft girl. And don't worry, Kikyou has nothing to do with InuYasha at the moment in this fic. I mean, she'll meet him eventually but she has nothing to do with his past. We can't give Kagome TOO much angst now, can we?

Tenshi-Hotaru: You're right too! It IS that Peacecraft girl! You want to impress me? Aww, that's so sweet! Heh. I love long reviews so I'm plenty impressed by you already. The InuYasha anime isn't bad, so it's cool if you can only watch the anime. I just happen to like the original version better, it's a weird quirk of mine. Lol. Feel better `k?

Jen: I'm glad you like this, new readers are always a nice surprise. And typically, InuYasha is pretty rude to the people he first meets. So I was trying to be loyal to Rumiko Takahashi and causing a bit of disturbance between Kagome and InuYasha at first, rather than going for the gold and making them fall in love in the very first chapter!

Dreaming_Girl: Hey, thanks for reviewing again! I would consider longer chapters, but this fic is meant to be written pretty easily, so I decided on nice, short installments because I already have two fics that take a while to write each chapter. Sorry! And it is weird trying to imagine Naraku and Kagura being friends in the real series (I can't picture it either), but I thought it'd be cute for `Shadow'!

Slywolf9: Thanks for the compliments! I really like to write sad stories, for some reason I believe that sadness has an impact on our minds that happiness doesn't. We just remember the bad times a lot better than the good times, I guess. And I expect Sesshoumaru will have a little bit in the next chapter or so (he's not a major character if you couldn't tell) so look for upcoming updates! And I really want to study Japanese, but I don't have the time. I'm already in the IB (International Baccalaureate) program at my school so I don't have any free time to focus on other areas of interest. But I have learned a lot of Romanization of Japanese in the fics that I read, that's where I get all these words that I put in. That's also why I add a Japanese Dictionary at the end of every chapter, I've also been confused as to what people are writing when they don't explain what they're saying in Japanese. Plus, I don't like it when people add little author's notes in the middle of a chapter, it sort of breaks the mood. And you're on the right track, that girl is Relena Peacecraft from the Gundam Wing series. I just added her in because I thought it'd be interesting. Wow, this is already a long reply. I love long reviews so I give long replies!

Mija aka Maryann: I'm updating! What do you like about this fic?

LottaLuvGurl: There seems to be a lot of stories out there that start off with Kagome meeting InuYasha and them falling in love instantly. I get a little annoyed with those because, first of all, they're not written well, and second of all, it's not realistic. A lot of them show up with almost the exact same storyline as another fic online somewhere with all that's changed is the name of the school or whatever they're going to and whatnot. So when I write, even if I_am_writing a high school love story, I try to make things unique and real to the readers! And my story isn't better than yours, your idea is equally unique!

Kym: Don't you just love it when you find a fic, after searching and reading a whole bunch of really bad ones, that's decent? I adore moments like those. And if you need any good fanfiction recommendations, don't hesitate to ask in your reviews!

Well, that's all I got for now. I'd like to say that a total of three people got my question right. It WAS Relena Peacecraft who had a cameo in the last chapter. Special recognition to Anubis-sama, Tenshi-Hotaru, and Slywolf9!

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"....." Dialogue

[.....] Thoughts

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Chapter Four: The Perfect Child Smiles

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[I don't know why it's so hard to smile today.]

She nodded to several of her classmates, her books and lunch in her hand. They nodded back, but it was only out of politeness. She had yet to make a friend in her grade.

[Maybe my smiles are all worn out.]

They say that when you smile without meaning it, your jaws will hurt because it's forced. She had practiced her smiling mask for so long that it never pained her anymore. It was supposed to be a good thing, to be able to smile when you don't feel like smiling. It was meant to create a shroud of blankness around her, so that no one would be able to get close enough to understand her hurt. One worried Sango was enough for her. Any more and she was afraid that the sympathy would get to her and she would break down.

[Smile.]

If she smiled, the rest of the world would be reassured that she was happy, right? They would think that she had no worries, that she was the perfect child. Her mother would love her if she was a perfect child.

The school had been let out once again for lunch, Kagome hurriedly walked out the double doors to glare into the sun. It was fall, and yet the day was still bright and warm. She didn't feel like going outside today, but it was better than sitting in the noisy cafeteria. Her heart felt too heavy to match the glow of the cheery air, lately she had not been feeling up to par.

[No matter. I should look for Miroku and Kouga.]

Standing upon the clean cement steps, she scanned the few faces sitting upon the fading grass. There was no sign of her older friends, perhaps they were absent today? She had thought she'd seen Kouga this morning on the way to first period, but perhaps that was a different boy.

"They're not out here. Miroku's got a History test to make up and Kouga's working on his Chemistry project."

Kagome heard that voice to her right, next to the steps and leaning against the wall. It was the dreaded InuYasha. She had tried to avoid him these past few days, but it had been hard. He had taken to glaring at her while she ate lunch with his friends, she felt a bit frightened by his intense amber gaze.

[Why did it have to be him?]

"Hello InuYasha. How are you today?"

He snorted, looking up at her with disdain, "Don't ask stupid questions Wench. Kouga just asked me to tell you that he'd be busy during lunch."

"I see," She hesitated for a moment before offering a suggestion, "Do you want to eat lunch together, then? Perhaps we could-"

"Stuff it. You're just saying that out of politeness. That's really foolish, to spend your free time with someone you hate just because you don't want to seem `rude'."

"I never said I hated you..."

InuYasha hopped up to the wide stair railing to squat and look her in the eye, "You don't need to say it. I'm not stupid."

"D-Demo..."

[Keep smiling.]

She felt a little nervous to be the only one there with InuYasha glaring at her. She knew he was somewhat popular with the other girls, but he never seemed to give them a second glance. Her cheeks felt numb with the forced smile and her cheery eyes were tired. She didn't know why he would pay attention to her...or more specifically, torment her. Did she deserve this?

He frowned, "You're just like all the other bitches out there. Not caring about anything but yourself, gossiping about the next hottest guy that comes along, giggling with your friends,"

[I have no friends.]

"I don't see why Miroku and Kouga would even talk to someone like you."

[Smile. The world will go away if you smile.]

If she had been stronger, perhaps she would fight back. The old Kagome would have. But this was the new Kagome, the wiser Kagome. She knew that there was no need to fight back. There was nothing to defend; her purpose on this planet was for others to make themselves feel better by putting her down. She deserved it, anyways.

They stood like that, their noses a foot apart with the Junior boy watching her fiercely. When she said nothing in her favor, he sat back with a smirk.

"I knew it. You're not that special after all. Can't even defend yourself."

[Keep smiling, it will go away.]

"Wench, you can't do anything right, can you? You look all perfect but I'll be you've got some horrible family life or some rotten personality on the inside."

[Be like Kikyou. Smile.]

She lowered her head because the weight of water in her eyes was too heavy. She felt the tears overflowing inside, held back for the past few years. She couldn't dare to cry in public; that would be like becoming imperfect. Her only thought was to clutch at her textbooks and sack lunch to keep her from floating away in the flood of sorrowful rain. Because if she lost her grip on reality, Kikyou would laugh at her.

"What is it Wench? Don't you want to say something?"

His voice was gruff, as if he knew that perhaps he had gone too far. But he remained squatting there, peering at her face, seeming to think that looking at her would reveal what she was doing. Her expression was hidden beneath the black bangs and long dark raven locks. She stood there; he could sense the large shield that had been placed around her to protect her from the sadness.

Perhaps he shouldn't have made that last comment?

[She should know better, she's the one that's trying to get close to me. I don't need anyone close to me.]

Demo...maybe he shouldn't have spoken so harshly...

"Hey, hey...what's wrong? Can't take the criticism?"

[Iie.]

[Iie.]

The first drop appeared on the white cement floor, a large wet splash of water. He watched as she hurriedly wiped at her cheeks, almost out of desperation. With one hand clutching at her things, she looked up at him with a terrified gaze.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry! Kikyou...I'm sorry..."

Running inside, Kagome felt dirty. She was imperfect.

[Kikyou never cries. I have shamed her.]

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He didn't know what just happened, but the guilty feeling that he had something to do with it squeezed at his chest until he scowled furiously to escape the embarrassment of making a girl cry. It was her own fault; she wasn't strong enough to handle a little insult...

Deep down, he knew that he was just taking his fear out on her.

[I don't need anyone.]

She hadn't even_tried_to get close to him, and yet he was always threatened by her presence. As if she would be the one person who'd understand what it means to be unwanted. He didn't want someone to understand, because if they did then they'd try to `help' him and make the situation even worse. He didn't need that weakness taking over his life; he didn't need to admit that he needed help. That would mean that he was defeated.

[She doesn't understand. She couldn't possibly.]

There was nothing to understand, right? There was nothing wrong with him; he didn't need anyone close to him. Not even Miroku or Kouga could talk about his problems. They only knew because he had been buddies with them since he was a baby. They didn't know anything else other than the basic facts. And that was the way he wanted it, there was no one that could possibly understand the looks of disgust that his brother gave him. The feeling that perhaps his father never meant to have him; or that perhaps his mother never really loved him. They didn't love him enough to keep on living, that's for sure.

[They just died. Like idiots.]

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"Dear? My, your eyes are so red! Do you feel okay?"

"Fine. I'm fine, Okaasan."

If she let someone be nice to her, she knew that it would only bring more hurt. Because she had stayed strong for so long, only a hint of sympathy would make her feel weak. Kagome knew that she couldn't afford to cry in front of her mother, no matter how imperfect she was already. At least her mother didn't know about these little...impurities.

Her mother went back to where she was busy cooking dinner, "Well, perhaps we should buy you some makeup this weekend, ne? I remember that Kikyou always loved putting on a bit of makeup before school, she always looked so lovely..."

"Hai, Okaasan."

"She was always wearing these pretty little shirts and those cute skirts. I'm sure we could go get some for you too."

"Hai, Okaasan."

"And must you leave your hair down so much? It's a very nice style, Dear, and I'm sure it is popular at your school...but I think you would look so much better if you grow that hair out and maybe pull it into a ponytail. You know, something loose. That would be so wonderful Dear..."

Kagome was silent for only a minute after that. She recollected herself and smiled up at her mother.

"...Hai. Okaasan."

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Sango sat upon her bed, watching as her TV screen flashed with bright colors to light up the room steadily growing dark with the coming nighttime. Her eyes stared at the picture intently, studying the faces of the group of children with care. In her hands was the remote, with the volume turned down low so that her little brother Kohaku could study his Math in peace.

"Sango-chan! Sango-chan! C'mon, let's play!"

She remembered that it had been her who had wanted to film the entire birthday party, she had convinced Kagura's mother to let her handle the camera. Kagura was turning four in this one; she had made a copy of the tape when she grew older. They were all there, beaming at the video camera with cheeks smeared in chocolate cake. It was Ayame that beckoned her to the swing set that Kagura had in her backyard in the old days. Naraku was already there, being pushed by Hojo. Every now and then Hojo would forget that the swing was coming back again, and he would stumble backwards as Naraku hit him in the stomach. Kagome sat on the other swing, her small legs dangling over the edge of the seat. She grinned at Sango who was now running up to the gaggle of kids, after having given the camera back to Kagura's okaasan.

[We were so happy then. What had changed?]

She flicked the remote to fast forward the tape. There was another clip on here, with their fifth grade graduation ceremony. They were all so proud of having been in the same class five years in a row, that they had worn matching dresses and suits to the party. It was a big thing back then to have completed another year of school. She, Ayame, Kagura, and Kagome had danced in a circle for at least two hours. Kagome's face was so bright in the video, that you felt as if you were watching a twinkling sunburst.

[So different.]

She hadn't planned on watching home movies when she got back from school, but they had been sitting on her shelf and she had been thinking about Kagome a lot recently. Whenever the girl came over to her house to do homework, she was always a bit more pale than before, a bit more silent. It was as if she were dying slowly in that house she called her own, with that woman she called her family. Sango didn't know what was going on exactly; she just knew that Kagome was sad.

And that was enough to make_her_sad.

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September 17, 2000

I've never been really religious. There was never a need to believe in something other than myself. I had once thought that I could do anything if I tried, that there were so many amazing talents that I could uncover.

But...Kami-sama...all I want right now is one thing.

Onegai, could you make me strong...like Kikyou?

I know I'll never be her equal, but could you give me some strength? Even a little bit is fine. Just enough to stop me from crying. I cry almost every day now, and it reminds me that I am not perfect like her.

Besides, if I don't cry, then maybe I will be able to convince myself that I'm happy.

Kami-sama...don't you want me to be happy?

-Kagome.

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A/N: I really don't have much to say here. I'd really like some thoughts from you guys, though!

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JAPANESE DICTIONARY

Demo - But

Iie - No

Okaasan - Mother

Hai - Yes. Right.

-Chan - Suffix used mostly for females, for those familiar to you or younger than you.

Kami-sama - God

Onegai - Please

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