InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Stay With Me ❯ Part II ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: kanna37 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 09.05.2011 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.9K | Visits: 694 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 09.05.2011 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.9K | Visits: 694 | Status: Work In Progress
Part II
~oOo~
I can't remember when you started to become important to me, rather than an unwelcome complication in my desire for the Shikon no Tama. I just know that you did, and the whole thing crept up on me, throwing my one for one and all for one attitude right out the door.
Suddenly, someone else was more important to me than me, and just like that, I had someone to protect.
It probably started when you stood up to Sesshoumaru in my father's remains so boldly. I'd never seen anything like it. And then you handed me the sword you pulled from its pedestal, and encouraged me to stand against my full-demon brother. Encouraged me! No one had ever done that before.
Ever.
Or maybe it was when those damn spiderheads got ahold of me because I hadn't told you about my human night – my weak night. As my now violet eyes met yours from under black bangs, I expected to see anger and disgust because now I was too weak to protect you.
To be of any use to you.
But what did you do instead? You cried for me. Tears... shed for me. Had there ever been something so wondrous? For the first time since my mother had died, someone was crying for me, worrying that I would die. Upset that I was hurt. And for all that you were just a weak human girl, you fought with more spirit and determination to save me than I'd ever seen from anyone faced with those odds – let alone on behalf of a lowly half-breed.
The funny thing is that I know when I realized that you were so important to me. It was when you left me for that week after I'd sworn myself to Kikyou. I fully expected you to stay away, to give up on me. I knew with the vow I'd given her, I had no right to ask you to stay with me. I couldn't do it – it wasn't fair to you. But, oh, gods, how badly did I want to ask you just that. I'd never wanted anything more. And when you came back, and I found you sitting on the well, something inside me broke, knowing I had to let you go. I was crushed. But I had to be honorable... because without my honor I was nothing.
That's why, as dead inside as I was at the thought of losing you forever, I felt like heaven had come down on my broken heart when you asked to stay with me, instead. It felt like warmth moving over me, joy exploded inside me so strongly that I almost couldn't believe it. I thought I'd passed out from the pain and was lost in my dreams - the only place I thought I could be with you anymore.
And then you smiled at me, and took my hand.
Has there ever been anything the kami created more precious than you? You took my hand... with no fear of my claws, of my youkai blood. There was no fear in your scent, just happiness and determination. I didn't know for sure what the determination was about... then.
I learned, though. You were determined to give me happiness. To heal me. Before you, I wouldn't have ever thought that could happen – there was almost nothing left of my soul by then, just jagged, broken shards with more pieces than the shattered Shikon no Tama. But you did it. Little by little, you pieced me back together. And then once I was put back together, you started filling in all the little holes and gaps with pieces of your own soul.
I don't think you even realized what you were doing for me... but you were bonding my soul back together with pieces of your own. I can't even describe how it feels to have parts of your brilliant, incandescent soul inside me – there could never be a heaven more wonderful or beautiful.
But sometimes... having parts of you in me, well, it was the hardest thing to bear, because I could feel how much my duty and bonds to Kikyou shredded your heart. Yes, I could feel it. And over time, my guilt for the pain I was causing you became worse than the guilt I felt for Kikyou's death and half-life. That's why I always looked so dejected when I'd go see her, or come back from doing so. Not so much because of her, but because of you.
The worst guilt, though, was knowing that you ever even considered dying so she could live... for me. Oh, yes, I knew that you thought about it. In those moments, your guilt towards Kikyou's half-life was even greater than mine, and I hated knowing that you felt such a thing. But I couldn't say anything... because I knew you didn't want to talk about those things. And I couldn't do anything for you, couldn't stop the pain I kept pushing on you, except by respecting your wishes to not talk about it.
Well, there was also those times you'd go home and I wouldn't fight with you about it so much, too – it was the least I could do. Really, I didn't mind that you would go home because of the shards or Naraku or any of that other nonsense I fed you – the only reason I hated it when you would go was because I could barely stand the sense of loss I'd feel with you gone. I could always tell when you were in my time – you added something to the very air around me, a richness that disappeared anytime you left. Yes, the world I lived in shrank and went dim, flat, hollow, and stale without you. Your absence bled all the color out of my life.
That told me that I would never be able to live without you. Somehow, you had become more necessary than air, and I couldn't even care. As long as you were with me, I was willing to be as needy as a child. Me... admitting to needing something other than myself for anything... do you know how astonishing that is? I've never admitted needing anything else in my life...
Just you. I need you. I don't ever want to know what it's like to be without you. I would die, suffocate to death.
It's because of all these things that I became so selfish as to ask you to stay with me in a roundabout way when the Tree of Ages blocked you from the well. I knew if I told you I needed you, if I admitted it, you'd stay forever... and that's what I wanted. Hell, truth is, I've built my whole world around you – if you were gone I'd have nothing left.
When I realized what I'd done in asking you to stay with me, though... that's when I knew that I would never be able to follow Kikyou to hell. You'd sworn to stay by my side – and I finally figured out that you'd also meant that you'd follow me even into hell to keep your vow. I could never allow that to happen. I figured my vow to Kikyou was worth my life – but it could never be worth yours. Not ever.
I felt so much guilt then, for Kikyou... but your soul could never exist in hell, wench... that dark and terrible place could never hold something so glorious and strong, not any more than Kanna's damn mirror could. Slowly, though, I realized something. Kikyou really wouldn't be going to hell, either. Because the soul she carried would return to its blessed home within you when she finally let go. As far as I'm concerned, there's no better fate than to be surrounded by your light, so little by little, a great deal of my guilt over her began to dissipate.
Hell, you're a fuckin' miracle, Kagome. You really are. Because you didn't just heal me – you began to heal Kikyou, too. She told me, once, that the place you'd touched her when purging her of Naraku's miasma was the only warm place on her body. And after you did that, so much of her pain was gone. You pushed back some of the darkness that had taken her over because of Naraku's betrayal. Even with all the pain she and I caused you... you still healed her. You tried to save her, and you gave her the strength to go one for a lot longer than she would have been able to on her own. I will never be able to thank you enough for that.
Keh. My mind wanders over all the times we've been together, all the adventures together, and all that I owe you, and if I could, I'd give you the world, even the heavens. I'd kick the kami out and give them to you to enjoy. I honestly wish I could.
I want you to stay with me forever, and then the forever after that – because it will take that long for me to love you enough to even just repay a tiny fraction of what you've done for me.
Yes... I said love. I do... I always have. I always will. Nothing on earth or in heaven could ever change that. And someday soon, I'll tell you that, too. I have one last duty to see to first, though – I have to give Kikyou peace – I have to lay the past to rest before I can look to our future.
Once that's done, I will make the vow to you that I've wanted to for so long... I'll promise to stay with you, forever. The one thing you would never ask of me because of my past with Kikyou is the one thing I long to give you.
Soon, I will.
Until then, just hang on, Kagome. Just stay with me.
Converting /tmp/phpPqB1nB to /dev/stdout
~oOo~
I can't remember when you started to become important to me, rather than an unwelcome complication in my desire for the Shikon no Tama. I just know that you did, and the whole thing crept up on me, throwing my one for one and all for one attitude right out the door.
Suddenly, someone else was more important to me than me, and just like that, I had someone to protect.
It probably started when you stood up to Sesshoumaru in my father's remains so boldly. I'd never seen anything like it. And then you handed me the sword you pulled from its pedestal, and encouraged me to stand against my full-demon brother. Encouraged me! No one had ever done that before.
Ever.
Or maybe it was when those damn spiderheads got ahold of me because I hadn't told you about my human night – my weak night. As my now violet eyes met yours from under black bangs, I expected to see anger and disgust because now I was too weak to protect you.
To be of any use to you.
But what did you do instead? You cried for me. Tears... shed for me. Had there ever been something so wondrous? For the first time since my mother had died, someone was crying for me, worrying that I would die. Upset that I was hurt. And for all that you were just a weak human girl, you fought with more spirit and determination to save me than I'd ever seen from anyone faced with those odds – let alone on behalf of a lowly half-breed.
The funny thing is that I know when I realized that you were so important to me. It was when you left me for that week after I'd sworn myself to Kikyou. I fully expected you to stay away, to give up on me. I knew with the vow I'd given her, I had no right to ask you to stay with me. I couldn't do it – it wasn't fair to you. But, oh, gods, how badly did I want to ask you just that. I'd never wanted anything more. And when you came back, and I found you sitting on the well, something inside me broke, knowing I had to let you go. I was crushed. But I had to be honorable... because without my honor I was nothing.
That's why, as dead inside as I was at the thought of losing you forever, I felt like heaven had come down on my broken heart when you asked to stay with me, instead. It felt like warmth moving over me, joy exploded inside me so strongly that I almost couldn't believe it. I thought I'd passed out from the pain and was lost in my dreams - the only place I thought I could be with you anymore.
And then you smiled at me, and took my hand.
Has there ever been anything the kami created more precious than you? You took my hand... with no fear of my claws, of my youkai blood. There was no fear in your scent, just happiness and determination. I didn't know for sure what the determination was about... then.
I learned, though. You were determined to give me happiness. To heal me. Before you, I wouldn't have ever thought that could happen – there was almost nothing left of my soul by then, just jagged, broken shards with more pieces than the shattered Shikon no Tama. But you did it. Little by little, you pieced me back together. And then once I was put back together, you started filling in all the little holes and gaps with pieces of your own soul.
I don't think you even realized what you were doing for me... but you were bonding my soul back together with pieces of your own. I can't even describe how it feels to have parts of your brilliant, incandescent soul inside me – there could never be a heaven more wonderful or beautiful.
But sometimes... having parts of you in me, well, it was the hardest thing to bear, because I could feel how much my duty and bonds to Kikyou shredded your heart. Yes, I could feel it. And over time, my guilt for the pain I was causing you became worse than the guilt I felt for Kikyou's death and half-life. That's why I always looked so dejected when I'd go see her, or come back from doing so. Not so much because of her, but because of you.
The worst guilt, though, was knowing that you ever even considered dying so she could live... for me. Oh, yes, I knew that you thought about it. In those moments, your guilt towards Kikyou's half-life was even greater than mine, and I hated knowing that you felt such a thing. But I couldn't say anything... because I knew you didn't want to talk about those things. And I couldn't do anything for you, couldn't stop the pain I kept pushing on you, except by respecting your wishes to not talk about it.
Well, there was also those times you'd go home and I wouldn't fight with you about it so much, too – it was the least I could do. Really, I didn't mind that you would go home because of the shards or Naraku or any of that other nonsense I fed you – the only reason I hated it when you would go was because I could barely stand the sense of loss I'd feel with you gone. I could always tell when you were in my time – you added something to the very air around me, a richness that disappeared anytime you left. Yes, the world I lived in shrank and went dim, flat, hollow, and stale without you. Your absence bled all the color out of my life.
That told me that I would never be able to live without you. Somehow, you had become more necessary than air, and I couldn't even care. As long as you were with me, I was willing to be as needy as a child. Me... admitting to needing something other than myself for anything... do you know how astonishing that is? I've never admitted needing anything else in my life...
Just you. I need you. I don't ever want to know what it's like to be without you. I would die, suffocate to death.
It's because of all these things that I became so selfish as to ask you to stay with me in a roundabout way when the Tree of Ages blocked you from the well. I knew if I told you I needed you, if I admitted it, you'd stay forever... and that's what I wanted. Hell, truth is, I've built my whole world around you – if you were gone I'd have nothing left.
When I realized what I'd done in asking you to stay with me, though... that's when I knew that I would never be able to follow Kikyou to hell. You'd sworn to stay by my side – and I finally figured out that you'd also meant that you'd follow me even into hell to keep your vow. I could never allow that to happen. I figured my vow to Kikyou was worth my life – but it could never be worth yours. Not ever.
I felt so much guilt then, for Kikyou... but your soul could never exist in hell, wench... that dark and terrible place could never hold something so glorious and strong, not any more than Kanna's damn mirror could. Slowly, though, I realized something. Kikyou really wouldn't be going to hell, either. Because the soul she carried would return to its blessed home within you when she finally let go. As far as I'm concerned, there's no better fate than to be surrounded by your light, so little by little, a great deal of my guilt over her began to dissipate.
Hell, you're a fuckin' miracle, Kagome. You really are. Because you didn't just heal me – you began to heal Kikyou, too. She told me, once, that the place you'd touched her when purging her of Naraku's miasma was the only warm place on her body. And after you did that, so much of her pain was gone. You pushed back some of the darkness that had taken her over because of Naraku's betrayal. Even with all the pain she and I caused you... you still healed her. You tried to save her, and you gave her the strength to go one for a lot longer than she would have been able to on her own. I will never be able to thank you enough for that.
Keh. My mind wanders over all the times we've been together, all the adventures together, and all that I owe you, and if I could, I'd give you the world, even the heavens. I'd kick the kami out and give them to you to enjoy. I honestly wish I could.
I want you to stay with me forever, and then the forever after that – because it will take that long for me to love you enough to even just repay a tiny fraction of what you've done for me.
Yes... I said love. I do... I always have. I always will. Nothing on earth or in heaven could ever change that. And someday soon, I'll tell you that, too. I have one last duty to see to first, though – I have to give Kikyou peace – I have to lay the past to rest before I can look to our future.
Once that's done, I will make the vow to you that I've wanted to for so long... I'll promise to stay with you, forever. The one thing you would never ask of me because of my past with Kikyou is the one thing I long to give you.
Soon, I will.
Until then, just hang on, Kagome. Just stay with me.
Converting /tmp/phpPqB1nB to /dev/stdout