InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Stolen Soul ❯ Soul, Heart, and Mind ( Chapter 6 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Author's Note: I was planning to just stop posting new chapters of this story here on MediaMiner.org, and just finish the story at FanFiction.net, but I think I've worked out an easier way for me to get the stories ready for this site, so I'm going to finish the story both here and at FF.net, though I may load new chapters here later because of the lesser demand.

Thanks: Thank you to the four brave people who have reviewed this story thus far: Lilly bet, monsterkittie, Mareana, and Amanda_Trinh.

New Japanese Terms
hakama -- loose trousers tied over a kimono or haori, such as the pants Inu-Yasha always wears (the miko trousers, however, are called hibakama )
kokoro -- mind, heart, spirit

Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me. This fic, however, is mine. Please don't take it without my permission.

_________________________________________

* * *
Chapter 6
Soul, Heart, and Mind

* * *




The dream wasn't always exactly the same, but it was always familiar. In the clearing, Inu-Yasha's long white hair billowed behind him almost as if in slow motion as he walked toward her, the tall grass brushing against his red hakama. "Kagome," he sighed with relief shining in his golden eyes. He pulled her into his arms, holding her close and pressing her head against his red haori, his hand tangled in her dark hair. "Kagome, it's you! And you're safe!"

Pressed so closely together, it seemed almost as if their hearts beat in unison in the silence of the moonlit clearing. The sound was comforting. It was as if they were connected in some way. Some important way that she could not name. The beating of their hearts made Kagome feel, just for a moment, as if everything would somehow be all right.

When Kagome looked up at him, he pressed his lips to hers, kissing her with a tenderness and trust that brought tears to her eyes. She pulled away in shame, wracked by the painful knowledge that he wasn't hers, and never would be. He belonged to Kikyo, body and soul. "Inu-Yasha ... I can't."

But he did not understand, and she could not explain. It would not be fair to him. And so she wound her arms around his neck and asked for the one thing he could give her in this dreaming place.

"Kiss me again, Inu-Yasha ... kiss me and say my name..." and he did, her name on his lips sweet and clear and warm.

"Kagome ... Kagome ..." and then it was his mouth on hers again, and she pressed herself closer to him in the desperate wish that they could stay like this forever, that she would never have to wake up.

* * *

But with that thought, she always woke.

She woke to darkness and silence. Her hut was empty, save for her own straw sleeping mat and a few borrowed belongings. The villagers had welcomed her and offered her the hut of a family recently relocated to another nearby village. It had been very nice of them to be so kind, of course.

"You do us honor, priestess, in stopping at our humble village," one of the village elders had said in front of the gathered people on Kagome's first day here.

"I'm not a priestess," Kagome objected immediately, embarrassed that they would think she was so powerful, as powerful as Kikyo. "I'm ... only a ... shrine maiden," she had stammered. That's not really a lie, right? Because I grew up at a shrine ... and I'm not married yet, and I haven't done ... that ... so I'm still a maiden. So I'm kind of like a shrine maiden. Sort of. Well, it explains the clothes, anyway. And the purification powers, if I ever have to use them.

But would I even be able to purify an arrow now? She was afraid of what the answer would be, and so had not tested her powers. Kikyo still had her powers in this body ... but I'm not Kikyo. I've never been as powerful as she is.

The villagers had been extremely kind. One child in particular, the small boy who had first sighted her at the edge of the forest, had become very fond of her. His name was Tanaka, and he was perhaps five years old. He would often come running when he saw Kagome and launch himself into her arms, hugging her and laughing.

He was the only person who touched her.

Kagome had never realized how important touch was in her life until now, when it was almost entirely absent. Just the soft, fluffy fur of Shippo in her lap or on her shoulder ... the feel of Inu-Yasha's muscles bunching against her as she rode his back through the forest, Sango's gentle hand upon her shoulder in times of sadness, even Miroku's perverted gropings ... it was all part of a close, warm, social world that Kagome missed terribly.

And so when small Tanaka leapt into her arms, she hugged him tight and thought of those she loved. Those she missed.

She spent her days tending to the wounded who were brought from nearby battles, which seemed always to wage. Two neighboring lords were warring for power over this region, and the men of their lands were suffering, the women suffering in other ways as they watched their husbands and brothers hurt and dying. Travelers passed through the village like a steady stream, fleeing the worst of the fighting, looking for somewhere they could once again find peace in which to raise their children. Many of the travelers, too, were wounded in body and soul, their eyes glazed with shock and pain.

Kagome did all she could to ease the physical pain of the wounded, using the medicinal herbs Kaede had taught her about, as well as what she'd learned about first aid in the modern era, and she also tried to ease the emotional pain of the wounded men's families, lending a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean upon.

Of course they never actually leaned on her shoulder. Because if they had, they would have been horrified to discover that the shoulder was unnaturally cold.

The skin was untouched by the heat of blood, unfed by any internal warmth.

The shoulder was cold, but Kagome's heart was not. And so she offered what she could to those in pain.

She often walked alone through the forest in search of plants and herbs she needed for various medicines, and while she walked she thought often of Inu-Yasha.

Would Inu-Yasha think I'm beautiful now? Now that I'm her? I even live in this village as a miko. Am I still Kagome? Is there still Kagome inside me, or am I Kikyo now?

No ... no, she's still Kikyo. She's still the one he loves and wants to be with. I saw him with her, when she was telling him to kill me. He's always wanted to be with her ... and now he is ... and she's human and alive. I'd rather see him happy with Kikyo than see him dragged to hell. I couldn't stand that. But he has what he wants now, so he can be happy. I've only ever wanted him to be happy, and now he can. He never could have been happy with me, because he would never forget her. But now ... now ... Inu-Yasha can finally be happy. And I guess ... I guess I'm glad.

Lying in her hut after waking from the dream, Kagome listened to the silence. Even after several days, she had not been able to adjust to her lack of heartbeat. The utter soundlessness of this body felt somehow claustrophobic. And so she lay in the dark, and she listened to her lack of heartbeat, and she closed her eyes against the emotions that threatened to break free, the fears and aches that threatened to send her screaming and weeping and raging against what had happened to her.

But that wouldn't do any good. She knew that no one would help her. No one could help her, and no one wanted to. She was truly alone.

Still, she couldn't lie there in the dark silence any longer, and so she walked to the doorway of her hut, stepping outside to look at the stars. Her body felt weaker every day, though she was still able to function physically. It was as if her internal strength, her spiritual power, was fading. It felt as if some fundamental part of herself was slowly draining away, day by day.

As she stood there, four of Kikyo's soul skimmers slithered and wound there way into the village, twining themselves around her and offering the bright souls they had captured for her.

I wonder if I'm going to die without new souls, wondered Kagome. Would it really be so wrong to borrow their strength, just until I can figure out what's going on?

But even that thought sent a shudder of disgust through Kagome and she shook her head, Kikyo's silky straight hair moving against her cheek and neck, reminding her of the body that was now her home, as if she needed additional reminders. She could think of little else, all day, every day.

Once I was only Kikyo's reincarnation, and Inu-Yasha saw her when he looked at me. But now ... now he looks at my face and it really is her. And I'm in this fake body which was never even meant to exist.

"Go away," Kagome said tiredly to the soul skimmers brushing against her. "Let the souls go free, and leave me alone."

Kagome sank to sit on the ground, her back against the wall of her borrowed hut. Leaning her head back, she watched the stars. I wonder if this is what the stars look like to Kikyo, since I'm seeing them through her eyes.

A shooting star streaked across the sky, and Kagome wished quickly, I wish I could at least see Mom and Grandpa and Souta, even just one last time.

Perhaps it was time to start trying to find a way back to the Bone-Eaters Well.

* * *

"I could sometimes find a village," explained Kikyo sadly, gazing into the distance, "where the people welcomed me. I was sometimes given the chance to live again as a miko, gathering medicinal herbs and enjoying the company of children." Then, turning to meet Inu-Yasha's eyes with dignity and pain, she said, "But I was always hiding the monster within me, hiding my need to collect souls to further my own existence, hiding the demonic nature of the body that housed me."

Looking again away, Kikyo concluded quietly, "I was never truly human, and I could never be truly accepted. I lived always alone, always wishing to walk among the living, but damned to loneliness by my very nature."

Like me, thought Inu-Yasha. That's how I've felt my whole life. Oh, Kikyo ... I understand that pain.

"Even my revenge against Naraku, even my revenge against you, Inu-Yasha ... even vengeance would never bring me back, could never return to me the life which had been stolen."

"Then why would you ... ?"

But Kikyo interrupted scornfully. "Even you, Inu-Yasha, could never comprehend my pain in that false body, so near to human life that I could nearly taste it, so close to being human that I raged with wanting..." Kikyo's voice turned hard with spite. "And it was this girl Kagome's doing, that I became so imprisoned in that cold mockery of a human form. If she had not come, I would never have been revived from my grave, I would never have been left with only a fragment of my soul, you would never have been freed from your imprisonment, the Shikon jewel would never have been shattered ... all of the grief, pain, and suffering since her arrival here have been the fault of that girl. She should never have been here."

Her voice calm once again, betraying no apparent emotion, Kikyo looked at Inu-Yasha, who sat stunned and aghast, and said simply, "I should not have died, and she should not have lived. My spell did nothing but correct these wrongs."

"But you stole her body!" exclaimed Inu-Yasha in horror.

"She stole my soul!" replied Kikyo venomously. "She stole my soul, my life, my purpose ... she even stole you, Inu-Yasha. She stole everything I cared about, everything I was, everything I might have been. She even stole the Shikon jewel, which was mine to protect and always will be..."

Kaede had been silent through most of this conversation, listening intently, but she now interrupted to speak. "Kagome stole nothing from you, Kikyo. In your life, you studied the miko teachings, and you know very well the path of the soul. When you died, your soul moved on, and was reborn into a new body with its own mind and heart. You have no right to that soul once it has continued along its path."

"But my death was unnatural, brought about by deceit and betrayal! My heart at the moment of my death was black with rage and hatred, and I claim the right to seek its revenge!"

Kaede shook her gray head in disappointment and disapproval. "Yes, Kikyo, your heart was black at the moment of your death, and it corrupted the Shikon jewel, just as Onigumo had intended. But Kagome's body purified the jewel once more when it was reborn within her. Like your soul, the jewel has been reborn and purified in Kagome. Both rightfully belong to her now, and your mind and heart must find rest."

"Your words mean nothing, old woman, for there is no remedy for the spell. It cannot be reversed. And so Inu-Yasha need only accept my human presence at his side, so that we might continue our quest to defeat Naraku."

"Not reversible?" gasped Inu-Yasha.

Looking at him with eyes that glimmered with grief and disappointment in their reserved depths, Kikyo asked quietly, "Were you resolved to force me again into that husk of dead earth? For her? Is that girl so dear to you?"

Kikyo ... you are ... forcing me to choose? But this is Kagome's body ... it's rightfully hers ... you stole it against her will. If there is no remedy for the spell, then ... Kagome is ... Kagome will never be with me like this again, in her own human body? Kagome is ... gods, no! Kagome!

But Kaede was speaking again. "These are kokoro magics," she explained in a deeply worried tone. "Very powerful, with the ability to sunder a self into its component parts."

"What the fuck does that mean?" interjected Inu-Yasha impatiently.

"Kokoro magics divide the self into soul, heart, and mind. The soul is the source of spiritual energy ... the heart is the source of emotion and feeling ... and the mind is the source of thought and reason."

Inu-Yasha's brow was furrowed with confusion and effort to understand. "What does this have to do with Kagome?"

"This spell affects only the mind and heart. And so the creature you see before you has the body and soul of Kagome, but the mind and heart of Kikyo. I have long believed that Kagome's soul was different from Kikyo's ... that it has developed, grown, become even more pure and strong since Kikyo's death. It is not unusual for a soul to grow and change as it travels along its path from one life to the next. Do you not notice a difference, Kikyo?"

"What the hell does this have to do with Kagome?" repeated Inu-Yasha more loudly. "Is this fucking spell reversible or not?"

But Kaede's voice was patient and sad when she admitted, "I do not know, Inu-Yasha. It would seem that Kikyo is not willing to participate in any reversal." Kaede looked at Kikyo, who simply returned her gaze with an aloof serenity foreign to Kagome's features. Kaede continued speaking, her troubled eyes watching Kikyo with regret. "Kagome, wherever she is, thinks and feels with her own mind and heart, though it is possible that her heart may be corrupted or influenced by the demonic forces affecting the body in which she is contained, as well as the very small portion of her soul."

Kikyo again said, "The girl's heart will not survive existence in that cold body. She is by now consumed with pain and hatred. I do not understand why you persist in this concern for her. The girl you knew is gone."

"No!" roared Inu-Yasha "Stop saying that! I've sworn to protect Kagome, and I'll find a way to do it if it kills me!"

"Did you not also swear to protect me , Inu-Yasha?" asked Kikyo.

And suddenly the world seemed to spin around Inu-Yasha. Why is this so familiar? Those words. And Kagome's face. Kagome's scent. Protecting them both. A choice. Why must there be a choice?

Concerned for the hanyou's sudden dazed expression and withdrawal, Kaede suggested that Kikyo step outside a moment to get fresh air ... now that she had human lungs to breathe it with. Ignoring the disapproval in the old woman's tone, Kikyo serenely stood and left the hut.

"Inu-Yasha, what thoughts distract you so? Is it to do with Kagome?"

Glancing at the old miko, Inu-Yasha thought of denying it, unwilling to trust someone else with such a personal admission, but then he remembered the thoughts that had been haunting him since Kagome's disappearance. These people are sort of like family. They take care of me, and I take care of them. Can I trust the old bag? Yeah ... I guess I think I can. How weird is that?

"I've been having strange dreams," Inu-Yasha admitted reluctantly. "About Kagome."

Eyeing Inu-Yasha thoughtfully, Kaede asked, "What is strange about these dreams?"

"Well, I have them every night, but they aren't always exactly the same. And it feels like she's actually there. It doesn't feel like a dream."

"Hmm," pondered the miko. "Two souls can be linked or connected by fate ... but it is also possible for two hearts to be connected by strong feelings. If this be the case between yourself and Kagome, she may be reaching out to you..."

But Kaede's words were cut short when they heard a man's voice outside crying happily, "Kagome!" followed by a yelp of pain and a sudden crash. Inu-Yasha was out the door in a split-second, followed quickly by the old woman.

"You dared to touch me, demon," spat Kikyo, her bow in her hand, an arrow glowing and drawn. "And for that you will die."

Several yards away stood Koga in front of a shattered tree, its branches and leaves scattered behind him as if there had been an explosion. A large burn mark upon Koga's bare chest implied that Kikyo had most likely blasted him at close range, sending him flying into the tree.

Koga stared in disbelief at the woman threatening to kill him with her arrow, the woman who looked exactly like sweet Kagome but acted as if she were possessed by some evil spirit, and then the baffled wolf prince glanced over at Kaede and Inu-Yasha.

"What the hell is going on around here?" he demanded.


_________________________________________


So, Next Time: Inu-Yasha, Kikyo, Kaede, and Koga are at Kaede's village. And Kagome wants to find a way back to the well. You think some of these characters might run into each other next chapter and interact for the rest of the fic? Hmmm. You may be right. ;)

Be Kind ... Review :)