InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Torrent ❯ Rejection ( Chapter 32 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
She stumbled toward the well, her eyes clouded by falling tears. No matter how hard she tried to stop crying, more tears came. She hated herself. How could she have done such a thing? Bad enough to know it had happened, Kagome still didn't understand how it came to be . . . .
`How did that happen? What have I done?' she berated herself for the thousandth time. `I don't even like Sesshoumaru, and yet . . . no . . .' she whimpered softly, dropping to her knees, suspending herself on the lip of the well. `InuYasha . . . he's going to hate me . . . God, what did I do?'
Another sob welled up in her throat, and Kagome whimpered as pain wrenched her stomach. She leaned to the side in time to vomit. Nothing came out. She'd already thrown up everything she had eaten.
The memory of Sesshoumaru's lips on hers made her shiver. How would she ever explain to InuYasha what had happened when she couldn't even explain it to herself? She keened softly, feeling vile, detestable, dirty . . . .
The unnatural fog that had enveloped her mind hadn't completely gone away. She felt it lingering around her like a hand ready to smother her, like water ready to drown her.
“I thought it was him . . . I thought he was InuYasha,” she whispered quietly, her desperation to rid herself of some of the oppressive guilt ripped at her. The words offered no comfort. `You knew, you baka! You knew who he was! You wanted him to kiss you, didn't you, Kagome?'
“No . . . no!”
`InuYasha deserves better than you! You are so much worse! Kikyou was better! At least she never betrayed him, not like you did . . . . You ought to leave him alone before you utterly destroy him . . . .'
Forehead falling against her raised knees, Kagome whimpered, wrapping her arms tighter around her legs, hugging herself and finding no solace. `I didn't mean to . . . I thought . . . How can I tell him?'
`You have to tell him! He deserves to know what you did, what you are! If he hadn't stopped, you would have let Sesshoumaru have you, and you know it!'
She flinched, her shoulders shaking as sobs took her over again. The cruel voice in her mind was right, if only because she really had thought that Sesshoumaru was InuYasha. She bit back the tears that still gathered and sat up straight. “I've got to go,” she said, mustering as much resolve as she could. “I have to tell him . . . and if he hates me . . . that's no more than I deserve.” Slowly, she forced herself to stand.
`Oh, baby . . . Mama really messed up . . . .'
A sudden ache opened up inside her. Kagome forced it away as she jumped into the well. Tajiko could give her the strength she needed.
Her feet didn't want to cooperate. She made herself climb the ladder out of the well in her time. She felt as though everyone would be able to tell from looking at her, what she had done. Tears filled her eyes again but she blinked them away. It took a lifetime to reach the door, and when she got there, she couldn't move to turn the handle.
The sun mocked her, shining happily over Tokyo, casting everything in a cheerful aura that managed to dispel some of the smog that lingered over the city. Kagome drew a ragged breath and made herself open the door.
Mrs. Higurashi stepped out of the kitchen and smiled at her daughter before hurrying forward to wrap Kagome into a warm embrace. “I didn't expect you so soon, dear! Where's InuYasha?”
Forcing a smile that felt more like a grimace, Kagome shook her head. “He . . . um . . . I had things come up. I didn't go with him . . . . He's not back yet.”
Mrs. Higurashi frowned at Kagome's odd answer. “Did you and he have an argument?”
“What? No, no! I'm just a little tired . . . . Where's Taji?”
“She's in the living room.”
Kagome didn't answer. She headed toward the living room.
Tajiko was staring at the television with a slight frown as brightly colored cartoon characters tried to blow each other up with sticks of dynamite. “Taji!” Kagome greeted, trying to sound cheerful as she swooped up her daughter into a hug and planted a kiss on her downy cheek.
Tajiko whimpered and pushed at Kagome, trying to shove her back. “N-n-n-n-!” the girl whined.
With a deep breath, Tajiko threw her head back and howled as she struggled against Kagome. Mrs. Higurashi hurried over to see what was going on as Kagome, shocked, watched as her little girl reached for her grandmother in a state of near terror, as though Tajiko didn't recognize Kagome at all . . . .
Kagome let her mother take Tajiko as a sense of numbed disbelief ebbed over her. “She's been awake awhile,” Mrs. Higurashi said. “Maybe she's just tired and cranky.”
Wanting to believe her mother's words, Kagome reached out to take Tajiko again only to be deterred by the little one's squalls of angry protest. Tajiko slapped at Kagome's outstretched hands, and she drew back as tears stung her eyes.
`She . . . she smells him on me,' Kagome realized. `Taji can't smell her papa anymore, because I . . . .' She backed away, needing to comfort her child, even if that meant she had to leave.
Mrs. Higurashi glanced at her. “Kagome?”
“I need to take a bath,” Kagome hurriedly explained. She turned quickly and ran to the bathroom.
Slamming the door, turning the water on full-force, Kagome sobbed as she tore off her clothes and threw them into the trash can. She scrubbed at her teeth while the tub filled, trying in vain to remove the feel of Sesshoumaru's mouth, the feel of his tongue, from herself. Listerine didn't help, either. She could still feel his mouth, could still taste him . . . `No!'
Kagome rasped out an incredulous laugh devoid of any real humor as she sank into the nearly-scalding water without even a grimace.
`Soap . . . damn it, soap,' she thought, desperately scrubbing at her skin with the smooth bar. The lather was thick, heavy. It didn't wash away the feel of being filthy.
`You asked Sesshoumaru to kiss you. You practically begged him to kiss you! Wait! Check that! You did beg him to kiss you!'
With a soft whimper, Kagome grabbed the wash cloth and started scrubbing her arms, her chest, her neck. `I didn't know . . . I thought . . . .'
`You thought he was your mate, yeah. Are you really that stupid?'
The measly cloth wasn't working. She could still feel his body against hers. She grabbed the foot brush and started dragging it over her. `No! I don't know!'
`And Tajiko? She knows, Kagome! You can lie to yourself. You might even be able to lie to InuYasha, though I doubt that, too. He'll smell Sesshoumaru on you, just like Tajiko did. But Tajiko? Six months old, and she knows you're no better than a whore. You, her mother!'
Dropping the brush into the water, Kagome started digging with her fingernails. `Taji . . . what have I done?'
She lathered her face, dragging the washcloth over and over her skin, trying to wash off any lingering traces of Sesshoumaru's touch. Nothing did any good. No matter how hard she scrubbed, no matter how violently she dug her nails into her skin, she couldn't get the traces off of her, the invisible testimony to what she had done.
But worse, so much worse, was the ache deep inside, the knowledge that she had betrayed InuYasha, and that alone was enough to completely shatter what was left of her already-shaky composure.
She didn't hear the knock on the door as she sobbed quietly, her face buried in the washcloth.
“Kagome? Are you okay? Your mother said you were acting strange.”
She couldn't look at him, she couldn't face him. Frightened that he would smell Sesshoumaru on him despite her efforts to scrub herself clean, Kagome still couldn't fight him as InuYasha drew her into an awkward hug. She sobbed against him as he held her, stroked her hair, tried to soothe her.
“Sango told me about the Kimi. I'm sorry it upset you so much.”
Kagome swallowed hard, squeezing her eyes closed against a vicious stab of guilt. `Tell him, Kagome! You owe it to him.'
Forcing herself to lean away, struggling to control the nearly overwhelming urge to dissolve in tears again. “It's . . . not that.”
He frowned, staring at her face, her arms, her chest. “Kagome? What happened to you?”
Gently he reached out, cupping her cheeks in his hands, drawing his thumbs over her skin. His soothing touch shot more pangs of guilt straight to her. She gasped as the fresh pain in her welled up, ugly and dark inside. “You're all scratched up,” he remarked. “Did you fall?”
She shook her head slowly, unable to stop the tears that slipped down her cheeks, stinging as the salt hit the torn skin. InuYasha flinched. “I . . . .”
He sighed, pulling her back into his arms again. “It's okay. Just don't cry, okay? I hate it when you cry.”
He kissed her gently, stilling her voice. Her heart felt as though it was going to explode. She whimpered, and he kissed her again. “I'm sorry it took so long.”
“No! I have to tell you---”
He sighed. “Unless you're going to tell me how much you missed me then I don't want to hear it.”
She dared a look at his face. His eyes shined as he stared at her, the gentleness that he didn't try to hide from her anymore lent the golden color a light from inside. She choked back a sob. `I . . . I can't tell him . . . not yet . . . .'
He held out a towel for her, and wrapped her up in it before sinking onto the toilet seat and drawing her into his lap. The welts all over her body worried him. Even if she had fallen, it shouldn't have injured her that badly, and, as far as he could tell, she wasn't bruised at all.
An odd thought occurred to him as he held her close to his heart. It almost seemed more like she had tried to peel her own skin away. But why? “Why does it look like you did this to yourself?” he asked quietly, rubbing the scratches on her arms. When he glanced at her face, he had to smile. She was asleep.
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Heh. Even better...she doesn't know what the flower is or that she was under its effects. Now she gets to deal with the aftermath of having mistaken Sesshoumaru for her mate. You are evil, and I love it.
You know, after this chapter, I feel really bad for her. I mean, she finally found happiness and contentment, and now she's just upset and can you blame her? heh… Sesshoumaru is an interesting guy… Ahh, the tangled webs we weave…
Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Torrent): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.