Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Side Effects: heiwa no Jutsu ❯ Sex-Ed Shinobi Style ( Chapter 5 )

So maybe I should have paid a little more attention to my surroundings. Naruto thought, rubbing his shoulder. And MAYBE I should have been listening for more that Sakura going 'Saaasuuukeeee I have the fish!' but HE could have paid more attention too and HE started it!

Naruto groaned and pried the last, big, slimy rock out of the ground, and heaved it up to his shoulder, and started his last walk towards the river. The sun was almost up. He did NOT friggin' want to take an hour nap before getting back to the meeting place, seeing as Kakashi had decided seven fifteen was a good time to meet as any. Dammit.

It had been half his fault though. Stupid Sasuke had to go and look good in the bottom of that stupid pit, leaning against the wall with the smug shit-eating grin for a few seconds. Of COURSE Naruto was going to push him up against the wall, it was nearly a dare, that stupid stupid grin.

That and the arrogant jerk had the nerve to be delicious. Naruto honestly didn't remember kissing him, his general intent had been to press him to the wall but since the lips were there too, why not bite at them? And while you were sucking on someone's bottom lip, surely it was stupid not to at least cope some sort of feel, maybe stretch up a little and grind hips against hips, hands touching chest then neck? Sasuke hadn't exactly slapped that off either, in fact the raven-haired boy's hands had gotten rather far up under the orange jacket when it happened.

The cough. A sort of 'Ah-HEM' spoken quietly with the sort of tone that made your spine turn into icy goo and your eyes dart to the exit. Naruto had opened his eyes to see a rather alarmed look on Sasuke's face, and dreading it, he slowly turned his head around.

It was Sakura, wearing a frozen smile. She had a rather large looking fish in her hands. "Naruto. What are you doing to OUR Sasuke?"

"O-our?" Naruto squeaked out, eyes widening as figures started to step out from behind her, similarly armed. First it was Ino, then Ten-ten, then -

Naruto went pale as he realized he was looking at the complete and total membership of the 'WE LOVE SASUKE' club. And since everyone in the 'W.L.S.' club was seemingly by default a member of the 'Naruto must DIE' club - Naruto had a powerful urge to just kill himself now rather than discover the uses the girls had for those fish.

Without pausing to really think his first reaction through, he chucked Sasuke at the mob with all his might. Ignoring the furious roar or 'Dobe!', he scaled the pit wall and hit the ground going so fast he was nearly on all fours. Sasuke twisted in the air and kicked off the edge, landing on the other side of the hole from the foaming fish flinging fan-girls. There was a moment of staring, then as one unit, the females turned and with an unholy banshee like battle cry, roared after their spiky yellow prey. We're not sure, but that battle cry was either 'you motherless mongrel!' or 'Death to the blasphemer!!'

Sasuke blinked. He might have honestly thought about helping Naruto (at the very least he was a fantastic screw) if the dobe hadn't just used him as a projectile. He started to drop back into the hole and jerked, realizing he couldn't move.

"Hello Sasuke-san."

Sasuke jerked, managing to move his head just enough to see Hinata standing there, looking at the ground.

"I'm sorry but I was voted to -"

"Voted?" Sasuke felt his eye twitch, he looked at his trapped feet and saw his shadow bending wrong. His eye twitched again before his ears tuned back into what Hinata was saying.

"And now I have to kill you."

"WHAT!?" Sasuke stopped following the shadow to look back at Hinata, who had a look of determination on her face that he didn't have much opportunity to see before. "Wait -"

"She was voted the official assassin on the 'Naruto Rocks' fan club. Now stop being bothersome and die. It's really annoying to hold this jutsu on you." Shikamaru drawled from somewhere in the shadows.

"Dobe has a Fan club? Figures there's only two people in it."

"Oh. There's a junior chapter. We just didn't think they should see this." Hinata said, looking slightly pink. "But I do need to kill you now."

Sasuke jerked, trying to break the hold on him. Craaaappppp!

Shikamaru sighed. "Really, just do it. It's nearly dinner time."

&!!!!! Sasuke mentally yowled as Hinata's eyes turned to broken china.

Naruto was not doing any better, though he had the distinct advantage of still being mobile. And mobile he was, desperately muttering Iruka's lessons on hiding your trail while attempting to implement them. He was doing it between curses aimed at his own inattention at those lessons though, because no matter how hard he pushed himself, or how lightly he tried to step, that damned group of harpies (which he was QUITE sure he'd seen two GUYS in) were still after him. Weirdoes. I'm not in love with the guy, he was just THERE. He told himself, then cut loose with a snarling expletive as his foot slipped a little gouging tree bark. Oh sure! Why don't I just leave a map!?

There was a high pitched, Naga-esque laugh that 'Oh-ho-hoho'd it's way through the trees. Naruto went pale. "I'm going to DIE." He said quietly to himself. "Even if I tried to fight back, they'd just scream 'pervert pervert' and slap me into the sky." Maybe if I just, flat out grab Sakura's boobs and squeeze, she'll slap me SO hard that I'd break orbit and land somewhere in wave country.

It was, unfortunately for Sakura's boobs, the only real idea he had. And he was relatively certain that she'd JUST hit him. He was learning quickly that you had to be careful with people you'd never seen fight. You never knew WHAT kind of weird talent or technique your opponent might have, so therefore, Sakura's chest was his only legitimate target. With a snarl he ran towards the river, hoping for a softer landing in the water.

"Naruto what are you doing?"

Naruto's head whipped around, focusing on Sakura. How she'd gotten ahead of him like that he didn't know, though he DID register that she had an extra dozen fish on one shoulder.

There was a pause. Sakura saw his pupils contract to tiny, tiny dots and he took a weird, spinning, half step towards him and reached.

Sakura was in shock at his appearance and took a semi-step back, but she wasn't NEARLY fast enough. Naruto found himself in the lunge position, both hands attempting to make fists around the newly developed enough to be tender as all get out flesh. Sakura stared at him for a second, brain NOT clicking around what he was doing.

"Na- na ru to -" She started, eyes wide for a moment, then they narrowed, then BLAZED. Inner Sakura blazed as well, screaming something about extra uses for internal organs that involved a lot of vigorous kicking motions. The fish tied at the tail on her shoulder swung around suddenly and violently, crushing into him in an arc, the first blow knocking him backwards. Still spinning, the fish with their new momentum smashed into his side before he even started to hit the ground, smashing him upward. "KYIII!!!!" She tried to fit off of the insults out of her mouth, but a strangled high ear-piercing battle cry was the best she could manage.

Naruto didn't remember smashing to the ground, simply a sudden awareness that he was ON the ground, on top of someone.

"Fuckin' DOBE!" Sasuke reflexively kicked him in the head, trying to get out from under him. "What the hell is the matter with you?!"

Naruto didn't answer, having to wait for the swirls to fade from his eyes.

Sasuke got to his feet, grateful he could move and turned to look for Hinata. But she was gone, so was Shikamaru. Maybe the first order of Dobe's fan club was secrecy, then vengeance. He kicked Naruto again.

"What the hell was that for?" Naruto bitched, getting up with a groan.

"Throwing me. Do I LOOK like a spear to you?"

"Parts of you do. Occasionally." Naruto answered lewdly, rubbing his head. "Hey, they're your fan girls. I figured they'd spare you."

"Yeah, or they might think I'd betrayed their love and gut me too. Ever think of that?"

"No."

"I didn't think so."

"Um - Sorry? You're okay right?" Naruto looked down to the side. "They didn't actually try to gut you, did they?"

"Course not. They're my fan club."

"Bitch."

"You wish." Sasuke grinned slightly. "Maybe next time, Dobe."

Naruto paused and nodded. "Next time then. The things I'm gonna do to you -" He started to expound on that, graphically in detail that put the previous encounters I've written were put to shame, and making Sasuke nearly smile all the way.

Sasuke's smile became suddenly, horribly, fixed, his eyes focusing on the looming shadow behind Naruto. "Ah - Dobe -"

"Oh, it didn't hurt ME that much I'm sure you'll be -" Naruto stopped at the noise of knuckles cracking above his head. He turned slowly, fully expecting to be staring in the face of forty to fifty fish swinging death machines with double X-chromosomes of doom for power. It took a second for Naruto to mentally place the non-female, fish-less and non eye-level person cracking his knuckles slowly and deliberately, using the snaps like auditory punctuation marks. "Ir-Iruka sensei -" He said slowly, noting the large, unhealthy looking blood vessels forming while his teacher's mouth stretched farther than what most people would call normal for anything that didn't rip the throats of its victims out then feast on entrails. "We were digging out the stump. Umm - Kakashi-sensei told us to. We'll just get back to that now." He started to try to edge away.

Sasuke and Naruto both had a brief glimpse of each other's faces before they were smashed into each other like cymbals. Repeatedly, at least three times before they could get their arms up to block each other. Naruto felt the start of a nosebleed and pinched it.

"- and you're much to young to even know what the hell you're talking about, let alone be practicing it!" Iruka finished stage one of his lecture by shaking them both till their ears rang like gongs. There was barely time to resister the passing of that stage before the second started. "And I don't know WHAT you did to Sakura but she's crying! Were you fornicating in front of her or- "

"I grabbed her boobs." Naruto confessed without thinking not too, holding his head with the non-nose hand. "She hit me so hard the other girls couldn't find me."

"Really?" Iruka processed that fast. "And that made it better HOW?? What the hell are you to thinking?!"

"Aye, aye -"

"Do you even know any proper techniques?"

There was a pause where all that could be heard was the synchronized twitching of the genin's eyes.

"Iruka sensei -" Naruto started a question but was cut off.

"What are you two using for lube anyway?!"

I could bite off my tongue. Sasuke thought wildly. I could snap it right off and choke to death on it and the blood. I have enough traumas; PLEASE let him shut the hell up!

"WHAT ARE YOU USING!?" He slammed them together, this time they got tangled, clinging to each other to try to keep from being pulled apart and slammed. Iruka shook them till they went limp again.

Naruto semi snapped. "Oil! There was some oil on the table we broke - the stuff you treat steel with so it won't rust! The BOTTLE SAID NON-TOXIC I checked! I SWEAR!"

"What table?"

Naruto thrashed. "Kitchen!"

"Did it occur to you that olive oil might TASTE better?" Iruka said drolly, looking annoyed. "The mineral oil you SHOULD be using on KUNAI isn't cheap. And it gives some people rashes!" He shook Naruto like a small toy. Sasuke stuck his fingers into his ear and tried humming but got shaken as well. "Mayonnaise, butter, cooking oils, those all work. And cream in a pinch though that's better elsewhere."

Nearly fifty yards away, Kakashi felt his rib breaking. He was just glad it was one rib that felt like it was taking one for the team, because honestly if it held out much more he was concerned he'd shatter at the seams. This was working out SOOOoooOoo well. If only all of his plans worked like this, life would be perfect. Best! Idea! EVER! Well, okay, jumping Iruka was the best idea ever, but this is the funniest! With a grin so broad he was concerned he'd give himself smile cramps, he thought of the next things for 'Iruka' to say.

"Of course, you could always PURCHASE something designed for that use in any flavors you think you'd both enjoy. No, they don't make ramen flavored lube."

"Aww!" Naruto reacted automatically. "They should."

"No Naruto, they shouldn't. And if they ever do, I'll blame you."

Sasuke wondered if he'd get in trouble for attempting to ram a kunai into Iruka's throat. Naruto might get mad. And that'd be annoying but, oh god, there had to be a way to stop it.

"Now, of course I'm sure you've figured out how to - wait! Which one of you is the uke?"

"The whaaa?" Naruto looked confused. Sasuke avoided eye contact and pointed at the blonde.

"Alright, then YOU get to hear the next part." Iruka turned on Sasuke. "Now, when your stretching him - and you'd better be because I don't care HOW fast he heals, it's common practice to get to at least three fingers in. And with all the training you've done to increase your grip, you should be able to get your fingers pretty far apart, right?"

Tongue. I could chomp off my tongue. Sasuke found himself repeating that like a mantra. Iruka's eyes started to narrow a tad, and his arm tense as if readying to shake him again. Maybe against a tree. "K- kinda, I guess."

"Hmm. That's good. Only used your fingers so far?"

"What the hell else should I use?!"

"You could always tongue him."

There was a pause, then a simultaneous "EW!" Naruto pulled a classic face and shook his head violently.

"I'm not gonna do THAT!" Sasuke yelled. "I'm not putting my tongue there!"

"But you'll put other parts?"

"I CAN WASH THE OTHER PARTS!!"

"Fine. Just a thought."

Kakashi was very proud of the put out look he made his 'Iruka' pull. He thought it looked quite convincing and flipped forward a few pages. What else to trauma - erm, teach them about? Hmmm. He banished the rest of clones to regain the chakra and funneled most of it into 'Iruka'. He'd have to go find Sakura soon, from the sound of it, the real one had been molested in the scheme and he had to go convince her NOT to kill Naruto. But for now, he bit his tongue to keep from giggling, and went back to flipping pages with one hand and holding his rib with the other.

"And of course you've already experimented with oral sex right?"

"I did. He didn't." Naruto sounded humorously sullen about this. If he had the option, Kakashi would be howling on the forest floor, legs kicking in seizure like thrashing. Naruto looked like he was genuinely pouting about this.

Iruka sighed and glared at Sasuke. "Didn't anyone ever tell you, that it's better to give than receive? If he's willing to, you should at least TRY. It's not like he can MAKE you swallow. Same goes for being seme, Sasuke."

"Sema-whaaa? What does the MEAN?" Naruto looked vaguely confused.

There was silence. Sasuke glared back at Iruka for a long moment, then down at the ground. "It's whose on top." He supplied finally. "Uke is the bottom guy."

"Oh." Naruto absorbed this. "And you know this how?"

"I read, okay?"

"Are you- blushing?" Naruto had to stop and take a closer look. "You are! Your look like a strawberry!"

"You've never seen him blush?" Iruka pursed his lips in thought. "Try humming next time."

"Oh, no, he turns really red then but -"

"DOBE!! Shut up or I'll stuff a kunai up your ass!"

"That's kinky, but would probably cause serious damage. If you're going to start experimenting with inserting foreign objects other than your own tool, I'd suggest something with rounded edges at least." Iruka said sensibly. "Like a cucumber."

"Quiet I'm looking at him blush. It's like seeing a two headed cow."

"Shuuut up. Please."

"Or a zucchini. I suppose they're interchangeable for this."

"But I don't' want a cucumber stuffed up there." Naruto said, eyes wide.

"So tie him up and stick one in him. Oh, yes, that's another thing I should tell you two about now, as it's BOUND to come up. If you decided to tie each other up, you should really find some good, soft rope. Shredded bed sheets are acceptable, but the material might twist into a cords and really hurt the sub."

"Sub?" Naruto shook his head, trying to decide if he liked the idea of Sasuke tied to a bed with a vegetable up his pooter. Maybe the tied up part.

There was another long pause where Sasuke found himself being stared at. "Why do I have to explain it?"

"It's a test." Iruka said bluntly.

"Ah. Umm. Well." Sasuke stalled and realized Naruto was studying him, waiting for an answer. FUCK. "It's ah - 'sub' is short for submissive, see?"

"So it's the uke?"

"Well, yeah that too, but - ah, when one of the two, people -" Sasuke swallowed, turning redder and redder. "And, this is a tern of - any, any, two people - Uke is just for boys, but- ah- when one of the two people is - umm -" He took a deep breath. "If you're the sub, you agree to do whatever the Dominating one wants you to do. Dominant or Dom for short."

Naruto listened enough to get the idea, but was really more enthralled by Sasuke's face. He hadn't had ANY idea there were THAT many shades of red. It was nearing the color of an arterial spurt really, even his Oiroke no Jutsu had only turned Sensei into a tomato.

"- And they're usually a - um - safe word you can use so that if you're in real pain, the Dom can, stop and un-tie you or -"

Naruto nodded, wondering what a good safe word was. Obviously not cucumber. Maybe tomato? There was something niggling though. He wished he had a camera on him; the whole blushing thing was just too rare to -

There it was again, some sort of niggle. Naruto kept trying to place it. What the hell was it COMING from?

"Dobe are you even LISTENING? Don't make him make me say this twice!"

"You're still blushing." Naruto said suddenly as it dawned on him.

"SHUTTUP! I can't help it!"

"You're still blushing." Naruto said slowly, then his eyes narrowed and his head turned. "But 'Iruka' Sensei here isn't. At all. Even a little."

Kakashi swore softly and tucked his book away. Now was an EXCELLENT time to go find Sakura, before that intent to kill was pointed towards him. Then, it would be an excellent time to LEAVE period; hopefully his cookies weren't burned yet. D'oh, such a rookie mistake. Stupid me. There was a soft 'bamph' as he departed, vanishing.

Luckily, Sasuke was to busy slowly going into a blinding rage to hear it. "Who are you?"

The 'Iruka' looked between the two of them and decided the jig was up. It smiled, a sudden, un-Iruka like wolf grin that the REAL Iruka would have recognized in a heart-beat, and turning into a poof of smoke just in time to avoid being stabbed by the twenty kunai that the boys seemingly SPAT at its head.

Sasuke and Naruto both stood there, for a long time, trying to calm back down from the embarrassment and rage. Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot they could do, besides curse colorfully (Naruto) and plan out when to study extreme torture methods (Sasuke). They both turned and looked at the stump, and, without discussing it, took turns beating the shit out of it for most of the rest of the night.

An hour and a half before sunrise and there was nothing but mulch and a few big slimy rocks tangled in the roots.

And hours of rock hauling later and they went to their separate beds and passed out. Neither of them noticed where Sakura had gone to and at the moment neither cared.

Sakura had gone home. Kakashi-sensei had found her, briefly explained he'd been punishing Naruto for goofing off and that it was his fault he hadn't warned her. Then he'd taken the fish and given her the rest of the night and tomorrow off, along with a slightly sideways compliment on her fishing. At that point she didn't care. She was tired, hungry, and her breasts were sore from being squeezed so hard. "I'm never being late again." She muttered to herself tiredly, collapsing on the bed. And there was no way in hell she wasn't going to at least slam Naruto's head into a telephone pole of some kind.

Kakashi swung by and left notes on both Naruto and Sasuke's doors before finally heading home to find his door broken.

But, you know what happens next, don't you?