Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Side Effects: heiwa no Jutsu ❯ Silky Smooth, Unmentionables, Home Cooking ( Chapter 10 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: messypeaches 
Silken Smooth skin, utterly nick free. Sunrise. Forest Veiw. WAFF-le times.
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 10.26.2005 | Pages: 3 | Words: 7.3K | Visits: 3.5K | Status: Completed
Silken Smooth skin, utterly nick free. Sunrise. Forest Veiw. WAFF-le times.
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 10.26.2005 | Pages: 3 | Words: 7.3K | Visits: 3.5K | Status: Completed
CHAPTER TEN: Home Cooking and Plum Wines
Kakashi would have woken up horny except that he was woken up a little too early.
See, there was a surge of intent that Kakashi chose not to respond to and a sudden weight on his face. No, wait, it was a pillow. And it sounded like Iruka might be yelling something but with the damn pillow on his head it was hard to hear. It sounded important, so with a puff he swapped places with his assailant.
Not that putting Iruka's head under the pillow instead of his own made it much easier to hear. Iruka screamed and thrashed then went still, crossing his arms and radiating intense disapproval. Not a bad trick with your head hidden. Kakashi loosened the pressure and slid the pillow down, uncovering Iruka’s eyes and nose.
"Good morning!" He smiled brightly.
"Ummp uu!"
"That sounded rude." Kakashi said, moving and plopping himself on top of Iruka to peer over the pillow. He then lifted it enough so Iruka could talk.
"You jerk." Iruka said finally, blushing. "I can't even believe you did that."
"Did what?"
"You know perfectly-" Iruka’s voice started to rise so Kakashi put the pillow back. Iruka glared until it got moved away again. "You know perfectly well what."
"Hmm. Enlighten me."
"My legs! And - And other stuff! Why the hell did you even DO that?"
"Oh. That." Kakashi smiled slightly. "Are you that mad about it?"
"Yes!"
"But you have such shapely legs. And 'other stuff'. I was attempting to showcase it."
"Showcase it..."
"Yes."
"By waking up at some point in the middle of the night and shaving everything from my hip bones down?" Iruka asked. "Tell me, where you dropped often as a child or was it just once off something really, really high?"
Kakashi set his forehead to Iruka’s. "Actually, I did it more to even things out. You had a few odd little bald patches after last night and they looked, well, actually, they felt odd. So I thought I'd try to blend them."
"It's going to feel odder when I'm covered in stubble!"
"Well, if it gets too bad I could just shave you again - ah- hey-" He had to lift an arm to block Iruka from punching him in the head. "Hey, hey - think about it."
"I will hurt you for this." Iruka grumbled.
"No really -" Kakashi decided he was still vaguely horny even if he'd been woken prematurely and shifted, pressing everything that wasn't blocked by a pillow into Iruka. "It's gotta feel a little different, don't you think?" He rocked slowly against him. And Iruka stopped squirming and shuddered.
"Da - Dammit Kakashi, that's not the point!" Iruka yelped slightly as Kakashi’s hips settled into his, partial erection rubbing against him. "I know it feels different. It's not the oooh - ah-"
"Not the what?"
Iruka shivered then blushed. "Not the first time I've shaved my legs. I ahh- " Kakashi moved again and he moaned. "Never went that high – Oh -"
Kakashi chuckled. "Breakfast?"
"I'm still gonna get you." Iruka reached around the pillow, arms around Kakashi’s shoulders. "Ah-"
"If I move the pillow will you scream and bite me?"
Iruka thought about it for a second, then smiled slightly. "Yes."
"Hmm. Fair enough." Kakashi moved the pillow out of the way and leaned his head down to kiss at his neck. "Do you have to avenge your leg hair?"
"Yes." Iruka leaned his head back. "Are you morally opposed to me running?"
"When it requires you leaving a vacant, cold spot in my bed, yes." Kakashi kissed an ear, stretching against him. "Why do you run in the morning anyway?"
"Because - " Iruka stopped then lifted his head, smiling suddenly. "I'd have to show you. Do you want to see?"
He didn't. Seeing would require getting out of bed and putting pants on, and pants were very anti-penetration if they were worn properly. So he did what anyone would have done when faced with that easy, happy smile. He lied. "Sure?" Maybe if I shave his HEAD next time he won't be able to use that 'look at me peer thought my bangs all cute and stuff' look. Kakashi pondered the likely fallout.
Iruka kissed him, lips still bent and squirmed out of bed, avoided tripping over the drop from room to room by springing over it completely.
Kakashi sighed very softly and smiled at his interesting view of Iruka hopping into his pants. With a slight exhale, he sat up, slinking out of the bed and dressing lazily. He was only halfway through tugging his sandals into place when Iruka was suddenly on the bed behind him, arms sliding around his wait. "Mm?"
"Hurry up."
Kakashi turned his head and leaned back, biting Iruka’s ear. "You've - so far today - woken me with an attempt on my life and are depriving me of breakfast. I will be dressed when I am dressed." He stopped with the sandal and slunk an arm back, turning to pin Iruka to his side.
"Geeh - " Iruka couldn't actually get free from that. Kakashi dragged him into his lap fairly leisurely. "But - I do want to show you -"
Kakashi set his forehead to Iruka’s, eyes shut. On one hand, he wasn't totally dressed yet. Getting undressed and persuading Iruka to join him probably wouldn't take long. On the other hand, he'd already said he would. And Iruka obviously wanted him to share whatever odd little slice of nature he'd made him own.
Kakashi leaned on his captured possession, relaxing and pretending to think about it. "But you're so warm." He mumbled, tilting his head so his hair was brushing Iruka’s face. "Mmm. How long is this run of yours?"
Iruka’s eyes shut and he nosed the tufted hair. "About one, two and a half hours. Depending."
Kakashi glanced at the clock. Three thirty. Well, fine. They had fallen asleep far sooner than he was accustomed to. Little wonder it was early. "You're trying to get me on your schedule."
"Not intentionally." Iruka pulled away a little, suddenly nervous. "I'm sorry. I just - You asked and I suddenly wanted to show it to you. If you don't want to leave we don't have to." He paused, suddenly unsure if he'd done something wrong. Crap, crap, crap - He froze when Kakashi shifted him away.
Kakashi glanced sideways at Iruka and realized the man was about to panic. Iruka was hiding it very well, only really looked confused on the surface and maybe apologetic. However - and Kakashi tilted his head thinking about this rather distractedly - he let a slow smile break his blank expression slowly. "You can share whatever you'd like with me."
Iruka felt himself relax a little, and mentally berated himself for being so - shaa, I don't even know the word for what I am right now, but it's pathetic. "Alright." His voice was almost tentative.
Kakashi moved, not really realizing he'd done so and pulled Iruka to him. His smile became slightly more sly. "Maybe you need me to share something back?"
"No, no, I don't need anything." Iruka’s body leaned against Kakashi, though his head stayed back to examine his captor’s face.
"Don't think of it as a matter of needing it then. Think of it as a want." Kakashi’s smile said he was amused and possibly plotting something, but not another damn thing was being given away.
Why does he even BOTHER with a mask? He's unreadable! Iruka thought, frustrated and not realizing that most people wouldn't have gotten as much information from that look as he did.
"What do you want me to share?" Kakashi said carefully.
"I don't - " He stopped when Kakashi cut in, putting a hand over Iruka’s mouth.
"Everyone has wants. Don't lie."
Iruka swallowed and looked down. Kakashi moved his hand. " I- I would - I want to know something about you that'd - that'd stay between us. I don't - I don't need you to share anything that would hurt you to talk about. I don't want that."
"Ahh. Blackmail material."
"No! That isn't what I meant! Stop taking things weirdly!"
"Weirdly? And they let you teach?"
"It's the right word for it."
"I'm not taking things 'weirdly' as you seem to think." Kakashi said soberly. "You want to know more about me, but you don't want to ask for too much. So you simply want a secret, from me to you, that won't make you feel guilty for asking. A part of me."
Iruka didn't answer at first. He just didn't have a real reply.
"If you stopped worrying about how I'd take it, you'd probably say it better."
"Well, then - " Iruka sighed. "Tell me something no one else knows. Some silly thing you did that you never confessed to - Or something like that. I'd - I'd like to hear you tell me something like that."
"Something like your table story?"
Iruka blushed, looking down. "Nothing that embarrassing."
Kakashi kissed him then, lightly, teasingly until Iruka was kissing him back. He broke it off and leaned forward enough to kiss Iruka’s ear. "Hmm. I'll try to think of something while we run then." He let go of Iruka, turning to pick up his vest and thigh pouch.
Iruka felt like he had somehow missed something. Again. I need a manual I'm dating- or whatever the hell this is - a man who should come with a manual. And I really shouldn't watch him strap things to himself – gaah! Such nice thighs.
Kakashi settled the mask into place then turned, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well? Go on then, I'll follow you."
Iruka nodded and walked out the door. It was dark outside. You could still see a vast majority of the stars and the air was icy, clean and crisp. Kakashi wondered vaguely if they'd gotten their first frost of the season yet as he watched his breath steam out in front of him. Iruka didn't seem to mind the cold; he didn't even bother to stick his hands in his pockets as he walked to the edge of town, where it just got darker.
Then he was gone. Kakashi paused and relocated him in a tree fifteen feet up and to the left. Iruka paused and turned, looking over his shoulder. "Should I tell you where we're going or-"
"I'll just follow you." Kakashi said from his new position next to Iruka. Iruka barely blinked, just nodded and took off.
For a course that Iruka had to have run several hundred times before, Kakashi wasn't finding a lot of proof of it. The branches didn't seem worn. There were very, very few broken twigs, but taking into account how dark it was, Iruka seemed to have it memorized. Maybe he had more than one course?
It was a damp morning. Kakashi could actually feel his hair reacting to the moisture in a defensive manner by sticking out in bizarre ways like an angry hedgehog. Maybe it was time to invest in some sort of gel. Not that he ever cared what it looked like, but it'd be nice if it stayed more or less uniform. But then, of course, I'd lose my petability-factor. He grinned slightly to himself at the pure stupidity of that thought and went back to following Iruka. The man was fast and didn't seem to be going any slower to accommodate his guest.
In fact, he seemed to be going faster now, like he had noticed the light change a little - (at this point Kakashi brains went oh, hey, light! Yay!) and was now making up lost time.
Probably sunrise. Kakashi realized. Coming suddenly seemed like a bad idea. It'd been, years since he felt anything emotional as a result of a daily atmospheric phenomenon. Poor Iruka was going to get all worked up over showing him what was probably a very pretty sunrise only to get no real response. Bah. Maybe I can fake something. Had to be a better way to look at it. At the very least now if he ever needed to find Iruka during his 'we don't need sleep' morning run, he'd know what side of the village to start on. Should have known it'd be a sunrise. Not that it was Iruka’s fault. It wasn't as if only sunrises had lost their charm over the years. Most of the beauty of nature had been replaced with continuous, calculated identification of camouflage and the tactical uses of tree bark. The falling leaves looked like good visual distractions, the blanket of red and orange on the ground would cover tracks with hardly any effort. There was wildlife around gathering food. That meant there was food on the paw and hoof. And berries and other edibles if you followed the meat.
If he remembered right, chipmunk was quite good roasted over coals. The satisfaction factor of food seemed to go up when it was cute.
It was a good course Iruka seemed to have though. There was a rather brutal bit of rocky scrambling in the middle, the trees were far enough part that the leaps weren't boring, and the bit where Iruka cut across the river was entertaining. Mostly because it was a rather turbulent area of water and the right amount of chakra necessary to not plunge through the foamy white was far trickier than a lake or puddle would have been. He was almost annoyed to realize his feet were wet, doubly so when he noticed Iruka’s were still dry.
It was maybe an hour before he had to stop in mid leap to avoid slamming into Iruka. He had stopped on a high branch, the only one with any wear on it. Kakashi dropped and hung off the side of the tree, lower down. Where Iruka's feet were was bare; the bark was gone, leaving only polished, bone-white wood.
"Up here."
Kakashi joined him, standing next to him. It was a nice view, he supposed. As soon as the sun was all the way up the valley would be stretched up before them. Right now, it looked gray. Thick white mist and slowly tinting blue sky. Iruka paused and sat down on the wood, waiting, and Kakashi sat down next to him.
The first lancing blade of light actually almost hit them. Kakashi blinked as that happened. Obviously, this was a well-chosen spot. Then the next few rays hit the mists.
And Kakashi had to stop and stare a moment. Not that he was awestruck by the beauty- but -
The mist turned red from the glowing golden sunrise. There weren't very many clouds around but they turned lavender purple. His eye went back to the mist though. It was pooled, somehow, in a long, curved indentation in the main curve of the valley. He wouldn't have noticed it if it wasn't for the mist, but with the dawn, it looked almost like a blood clot.
It was fascinating and awful. Looking at it made something in the pit of his stomach go cold and dead. It took a moment, maybe two before he realized what it was.
Kyuubi. It had to be. A spot where the monster’s body had been physically thrown, slamming into the soil. A huge, long GOUGE that the fight had caused, grown over now until all it could do was gather mist. I wonder how many bones are ground into the earth there. No wonder the trees have nearly evened out.
"You come here every day?" He asked, brain swirling. Did Iruka know what that was? It got brighter red as the sun went up higher. Iruka had been dragged howling from that fight hadn't he? A lot of students hadn't and the people who'd carried them off tied with the people who stayed and fought for pure crazy. The people who had fought had no time to think, but the runners with survivors - they had run away and come back.
But did Iruka know what it was? Or was it just a pretty sunrise spot for hi -
"Don't. You. Dare."
"Ee?" Kakashi blinked. Iruka had turned to look at him and suddenly spat out those words almost hatefully. No, it was hatefully but it wasn't directed at Kakashi precisely.
"That look. Don't look at me like that." Iruka’s voice was rising a little, his hair was bristling. Kakashi idly wondered if tying bells to the ponytail would produce mood music before reverting his attention to Iruka. "I hate that look."
"I'm sorry I don't know - "
"I know what I'm looking at." Iruka snapped, eyes going back to staring at the sunrise. "I'm AWARE of what I'm looking at. This is a graveyard." He waved a hand at it. "A battlefield. And I got enough of that same despicable look of raw pity to last me a lifetime so stop it now and don't you DARE pity me."
Kakashi waited a long moment to speak. "I'm sorry. It wasn't meant to be pity."
"Yes it was. I even know what you were thinking. You were thinking 'Poor Iruka thinks he's just looking at a sunrise, he doesn't even know this is where his parents died. Should I tell him?'. Look me in the eyes and tell me otherwise."
"I should have assumed you'd know where your parents died." Kakashi said neutrally. "But you're right. I was thinking that. And now I'm thinking - if you want to know this too - why do you come here?"
That seemed to work. Iruka stopped getting so puffed up, at the very least. "I like sunrises. It's pretty here. And it means more to me than, than some rock with names on it ever will. At least for them." He pulled his knees up, setting his arms on them. "I'm sorry. I didn't - I didn't want to bring you here to share that. It's not fair of me."
The mist was hot pink now, gold edged. The trees were brilliant, living shades of green and when a flock of something flew by, there were black cutouts. Kakashi touched his fingers to Iruka’s ears lightly, and pulled them away when Iruka’s shoulder spasmed. There was an odd noise, an intake of breath that shook him and Kakashi responded to it by turning. He straddled the branch and wrapped his arms around the man. Iruka let go of his legs almost at once, but his arms crossed at his own chest instead. It took a long moment before he turned into Kakashi’s chest a little.
"I'm sorry. I'm - I'm stronger than this. I'm sorry." Iruka shifted against him more, not willing to look up and see Kakashi's expression.
"It's unnecessary to apologize. I didn't realize I’d hit a weak spot in your armor." Kakashi stroked Iruka’s hair. Iruka quieted, shifting closer on the branch. He could just see the sunrise finally finish over Kakashi’s arm.
"I'm acting like I'm the only one who’s ever been hurt." Iruka said quietly, eyes staying down. "Kakashi, why do you put-"
"I don't put up with you. I enjoy your company." Kakashi liked it when Iruka lifted his head, nearly nuzzling his neck. "I'll share my story with you later. You were right though. It's an, amazing view." Iruka to this day didn't know that Kakashi had been looking at him as he said it.
~*~*~*~
Sasuke tired to stay asleep. Oh GOD, he tried to stay asleep. Even in his dream he knew he wanted to stay asleep
But no one can sleep forever.
Sasuke woke up groggily. He managed to keep his eyes shut for at least half an hour longer, but finally gave up. He opened his eyes very slowly…
And was greeted with an upside down room. No. Wait. He was upside down; on the counter with his legs against the wall and his head upside down over the edge. Half of his butt was in the sink. He had more bites than if he'd tried to sleep in an anthill and every bite seemed to have two hickeys to keep it company.
And his back hurt…
And lower…
"Oooh -" Sasuke groaned.
"Morning."
"You are WAY too fucking chipper." Sasuke groaned, trying to move and falling off the counter instead. "OW!"
"Are you okay?" Naruto stopped what he was doing and came over. He was covered in odd bites too, but they looked faint on him. He knelt and poked Sasuke in the shoulder.
"As soon as my spine heals, I will hurt you." Sasuke let one eye focus on Naruto. The spiky headed bastard looked non-miserable and had pants on. At the moment that was all it took to make Naruto the most obnoxious creature on the planet. How DARE he look so chipper!
"Oh. Do you want me to make you breakfast?"
"…. Is it gonna be ramen?"
"I have bread?"
"Then why does it smell like ramen?"
And Naruto told him.
Sasuke asked him to repeat it and took a long slow inhale. "And you're doing this why?" He made himself stand up and found his pants. Unfortunately, they had been torn to shreds. Sasuke thought back and decided it had probably been teeth that caused the one rip as it matched the spot where he had a bite on his hip. He settled for tying the remains of his shirt around his waist.
"Cause they really don't make it. And that's just wrong. They should."
"What are you even making it out of?"
"Normal lube and seasoning packets."
Sasuke paused, eye twitching. "You. Had. LUBE!?!" Sasuke was screaming it and trying to choke the miserable blonde fuck. Unfortunately, his muscles were still pretty much not working properly from passing out in such a moronic position and they both fell over in an awkward mess. Naruto’s leg jerked up and while it didn't crush anything external, it did whack him in the ass pretty good.
Sasuke had a brutally painful reminder of a few other things that had happened last night. "GYAHH!" He stiffened and fell onto Naruto, grimacing. "Ah – Ow! You bastard. You had lube! You could have fucking-"
"I didn't have it then. I bought it this morning." Naruto slide his arms around Sasuke’s shoulder suddenly, leaning his head down.
"In your boxers?"
"Yeah. Haven't you ever heard of the unmentionable store?" Naruto leaned against the stove, reaching up to turn the fire off.
"The what?"
"I found it by accident one day. It's a little store on the top floor of a building-"
~*~*~*~
The Unmentionable Store was founded in the fifteenth year of the Second Hokage’s rule. It was originally started for a very simple reason, based on the following scenario.
Male and female ninja marry. Female will get PMS. Eventually. Unless she's kept pregnant and most kunoichi won't stand for that. But I'm digressing. Anyway, no matter what the level of the two ninjas - whether she be a mere Chuunin and he ANBU - the man will be, at some point, forced to buy female sanitary aids. It is a fact of life.
Up until the store was opened, some of the husbands would simply panic and steal whatever it took to keep their wives happy and to ensure they didn't spend several lonely nights on the couch. This was a problem. So after much deliberation, a small closet sized room was built in an alley, way back in a corner. It was unlocked, and opening it would reveal a pile of petty cash to make change with and a few different brands of the needed supplies.
The first person who attempted to steal the money was hit by a team of three ANBU before he got three feet. It was private and secret but not unprotected.
Over the years, the Unmentionables Store got bigger and more diverse. They branched out into medicine for erectile dysfunction, hemorrhoids, herpes, yeast infections, crabs, urinary tract infections, genital warts, any form of suppository, and a few other things too embarrassing to mention. Soon after that, the owner (technically owned by the Village of Konoha, it is usually maintained by one or two people) branched into things like condoms, dirty books (really, really dirty books), marital aids and costumes. And lube.
It's still there, though it's expanded. It has somewhere in the vicinity of three hundred cameras inside it, all these view screens are monitored elsewhere in the village by one to two ANBU members. There's still a pile of change, thought most don't bother trying to make change and just call it a tip. It's easy to sneak into. And that's where Naruto went to buy lube at 5:30 in the morning.
~*~*~*~
"Why do you even know about this place?"
"I was eight and running from Iruka-sensei because he found out I was the one behind the chicken thing. I hid in there by accident and when I started to look around, these ANBU guys came out of nowhere and dragged me to Iruka." Naruto snickered suddenly. "Iruka was soooo mad. But when I started asking about some of the stuff in there, he turned really red and told me to go home. I thought it was the best store in the world. Asking about the things in there got me out of trouble for a month."
"How do you know how it started?"
"I made Iruka-sensei tell me a year or so ago. I found out a little bit more after that. I mean, he just said it was filled with 'adult' things’." Naruto lifted his arms to do finger quote marks. "So I kinda puttered around and figured the rest out."
"And they let you go in there? Aren’t you still underage?"
"I had a sign."
"A what?"
"Well, I went in my boxers, so they'd see the bites on the camera. And when I went in, I held up a sign."
"And the sign said?"
"I need lube and it's too late to protect my innocence. I'll pay double." Naruto pointed to cardboard sign on the remains of a table. "See? Anyway. I just grabbed a bunch of the first non-cherry flavored water-based stuff I could find."
"Water-based?"
"Well, duh. The ramen packets aren't gonna dissolve in oil!"
"It's still stupid to try to make it."
"Why?"
"Because there is no way in hell I'm letting you put home-made ramen flavored lube on or in me under any circumstances. It's SALTY dobe! You don't use salt in a lube!" Sasuke squirmed.
"It's not any worse than sweat!" Naruto protested, not letting go of him. "It's not like I'm gonna cut you first!"
"You're a biter! The sweat stings too!" Sasuke looked at the ruined table. "And look at - what did you do to my apartment?"
"You helped."
"Are you using my pots to brew your stupid lube?" Sasuke got free and staggered to his feet. "Why do you have six pots out?"
"It took a little to not burn it and I may have ruined that one pot." Naruto stood with him. "And I had to do something or I'd fall asleep and then I wouldn't have woken up in time to get to the new meeting place. Isn't it like, three miles away?"
"When are we supposed to be there?" Sasuke was not looking forward to anything but showering, cracking his back into alignment and passing out.
"Half an hour."
"How bad is the shower?" Sasuke asked.
"Umm – well, it sort of works. The - ummm - actually shower head snapped off."
"Oh yeah. But it sprays hot water?"
"Only cause’ you don't have the hot water heater in here. But it works."
"Did you sleep?"
"Not yet."
"Why not?"
"Well, I took a nap yesterday afternoon. I cast Heiwa about - I dunno - ten times and took a three hour nap." Naruto shrugged. "Then I ran into you and you dragged me here and I haven't slept since. You passed out around eleven."
"Why didn't you sleep?"
"I don't usually feel like it, um, after. Apparently." Naruto shrugged. "I actually took some of your stuff and went running. Pretty full moon."
"But you still went to the store in your boxers?" Sasuke asked, rummaging until he found clothes that had escaped the carnage. He had to tip a dresser back upright to get the drawer open and move what seemed to be a few empty jars of strawberry jam, but he succeeded.
"Yeah. Thought I might look weird being seen with that Uchiha logo on my back." Naruto poked the liquid in the pot and stuck it in the fridge, which was leaning to the left and had a purple handprint in the middle.
Sasuke made an odd grunting noise and staggered slowly into the bathroom. There was a pause. "Where the fuck is my soap?"
"Try the toilet tank!"
There was another pause and a splash. "Why the hell was it in there?"
"Don't worry about it. Soap is self cleaning!"
Sasuke rinsed it off anyway before taking a rather torrential shower. When he got out, Naruto had left, opting to write a message on the powered sugar on Sasuke’s carpet.
"Must get - " There was a crude doodle that Sasuke decided was meant to be clothes – maybe." C U l8er with -" There was another doodle to what was either a bush with a stop sign in front of it or a bad, bad drawing of Kakashi-sensei reading his book. Sasuke groaned and toweled off, raiding his field first aid kit of everything he thought might help and putting enough bandages on to make a fifty-foot fishnet.
Now to totter to the meeting place and hope the painkillers kicked the hell in.
I'm going to kill my teacher. Oh – wow – hurt s- ahh - okay. Yes. First I'll rip out his eyes and - no, wait. I'll do that later so I can wave his liver in his face. Wait, I need to - damn. I'm gonna need a flow chart. Maybe if I start with a large, blunt object like a tree and pick an orifice…
Kurenai Omake Theater: Two days ago-
Anko hadn't shut up. She'd been blushing so red, but Anko had kept talking and talking. Then Asuma had wandered by, sat down, made the horrid mistake of asking what was up
And Anko had told him. In jaw droppingly accurate detail. Asuma had nearly swallowed his smoke. And Anko had gleefully kept talking, speculating.
And all Kurenai could think about was that she was suddenly jealous.
It took a moment before she realized WHY she was jealous, sitting in a stall with her friends blushing. And then she got it. It was why she was jealous. She was jealous because shy, sweet, mousy little Iruka had not only thrown a very random move on someone he probably didn't think he had a shot with; he was, at this moment, off doing ridiculously fun things with said person.
"Please, please, please,, Anko why do you think I want to hear this? Kurenai make her stop! My brains hurts from the mental visua -"
And then she grabbed Asuma’s head. He didn't see it coming, as he was covering his eyes and begging Anko to stop poisoning his ears. Begging rather loudly, really, until she got a grip on his hair and ears and yanked his head down and forward. There had been a weird noise and then dead silence as Asuma realized she had relocated his face to her chest.
Then there had been utter, dead silence. Anko just staaaaaaared.
"Better?"
There was a muffled noise, then after realizing he couldn't really speak, he nodded. She let go and he sat up, looking a little dazed.
"Well- then- I have- things to do." She got up, half bowed and fled, turning quite red.
She then devoted the rest of her day to avoiding everyone else.
Last night-
She wiggled her toes. Red polish, always made her feel better, and now that they were nearly dry she could put her sandals back on and go for a walk. A long walk far away from everyone. She'd… make herself talk to Asuma tomorrow.
It had been childish but she had snapped. Sitting there, listening to Anko going on in great detail about things that one just shouldn't go into that kind of detail on. And then she did that thing. That silly thing.
Well, at least you didn't do what you almost did and grab his ass on the way out of the booth. That would have been a five star move. Kurenai told her reflection. Though the look on his face might have been worth it.
She sighed at the thought that there were now three men she couldn't really face right now. How stupid. Beyond stupid. I'll just - I'll go settle things with Asuma tonight. Then I'll only have to avoid the school and Kakashi. I can do that.
She pulled her shoes back on, sighed and went to the door.
The moment she opened it, her left hand came up on instinct and caught the raised fist. She blinked as a familiar smoky smell hit her, mixed with a less normal floral blend.
"A-Asuma?" She asked, letting go of the hand. She asked because, while the smell meant it had to be him, she couldn't see his face. He was holding out a wad (bouquet is too fragile a word for it) of flowers; it looked like one of everything, really. And a bottle of plum wine.
"I was informed by Anko that if I didn't bring a treaty gift for the violation of your personal space, I would be sent to a special hell."
"Oh." Kurenai blinked and took the flowers. "They're lovely. Thank you - oh, for this too." She took the bottle and examined her new gifts.
"I didn't know your favorite flower. And roses are cliché." Asuma said, scratching his head. "It's mostly so you won't think things are weird."
"Everything is weird this week. I think someone put something other than the normal sake in the punch this year." Kurenai stepped back, gesturing with the bottle. "Come in?"
Asuma crushed the ember end of his smoke with his fingers and tossed it in the bushes. "I'd love too."
Kurenai turned and glanced around once. Except for the nail things on the low table - she gave it a good kick and all the well-sealed bottles went flying into a chair along with her day’s reading and a random scroll. On the way to the kitchen for glasses and a vase she tossed a pillow onto it. Voila. No more mess. Asuma chuckled softly but didn’t comment.
She came back with the flowers in a vase and two rather full glasses of plum wine. "Here."
"Thank you."
The flowers went to the center of the now desolately empty table. They were very random, but quite cheery. "So which one is it?"
Kurenai looked up, her train of thought distracted. "Which one is what?"
"Your favorite flower? In case I ever violate your space again."
Kurenai had a series of dirty thoughts about that and eyed her glass warily. She hadn't even had any yet and was debating a way of expressing her general approval of violation through the medium of charades… Not a good sign. "In all honesty, I like thistles."
Asuma blinked slightly. "Is there a reason behind that?"
"They’re cute. And no one messes with them just because they’re flowers."
"Ah." Asuma raised his glass. "Kampai."
"Kampai." Kurenai took a small sip, settling into the chair that wasn't hiding all of her mess. After a moment, she took a bigger sip, sighing. "Thank you. I was thinking about going to your place tonight but it was starting to get late."
"I just came tonight because I didn't know if I'd do it tomorrow. If I gave myself too much time to think, that is." Asuma grinned crookedly.
The problem with us shinobi is that we rarely can flat out say delicate things. It goes against training. Kurenai thought irritably, glaring at her wine. It was quite good. Three glasses and she'd probably start saying what she wanted to say. But that was a coward’s way out, to numb yourself until rejection wouldn't hurt if it came.
"Was it a bad bottle?"
Kurenai realized he was commenting on her glaring at the glass.
"No. It's excellent." She paused. "This isn't even remotely what I want to talk about." She winced as she said it. It seemed almost like a blurt, to her.
Asuma nodded. "I'm not sure how to describe what we should talk about." Kurenai nodded. "But you brought it up so you get to go first." Kurenai made a harumph-like noise. "Technically I already started it by bringing flowers and wine."
"I know." She looked down. "We've know each other a while, haven't we?" The wine spun in the glass when he rotated her hand just so. There was soon a small whirlpool in the glass. She told herself she was letting it breathe.
"Yes. We have."
"I- I've always wondered…why nothing ever happened."
"I was unaware you ever wanted anything to happen."
"Ah." She looked into her glass. "Damn shinobi subtlety."
"You never noticed me as anything other than a colleague either." Asuma said, setting his now empty glass down. He stood up, scratching the side of his jaw. "You free tomorrow?"
Kurenai nodded.
"Then you should let me take you to dinner." Asuma said. "Actual dinner at a nice place. One of the many things I probably should have done years ago." Strange as it was, it wasn't quite awkward. It was more like a formality, words that had to be said even if everyone knew them.
"I probably should have asked you too years ago." Kurenai stood up, setting down her glass. "I'd like that." She went to the door to let him out, then paused when he brushed her shoulder. She turned. "Yes?"
"Question. Is this our first date then?"
"We can call it that." Kurenai smiled, about to open her mouth to jokingly ask if he was going to kiss her good night.
Except his lips were already on hers.
It was a sweet light kiss. She returned it automatically, blinking, slightly saddened. It was too light. Too soft. Kurenai liked kisses that felt as though they were setting you on fire, that were verging on violent, the type that left your lips bruised and numb. Still, it was not a bad kiss. She made a slight noise as he pulled away.
Asuma pulled away slightly, mentally cursing himself. Mostly because he was already leaning back in. Should have known I wouldn't be able to stop at once. The noise was maddening as well; he never heard her make it before. The second kiss was firmer. Idiot. You're being too rough -
More like that! Kurenai pushed back into the kiss, very thrilled at the idea that she wasn't going to have to give him the 'treat me like I'm delicate and I'll castrate you' speech. She nipped at his lower lip once, hard. Her hand pushed at the door, while the other arm went around his neck and pulled him out of its trajectory.
A thousandth of a second dealing informed Asuma that stopping now would be akin to going to the 'special hell', only with more sharp things. Her body was suddenly crushed to his. And like all non-idiots would do, he opted for the softer things. Her kiss got more violent, he found his tongue fighting hers for territory savagely enough that their teeth clacked. His hands settled on her shoulder finally, gripping them tightly and nearly lifting her off the ground. Her hands caught his arms and she gripped back, freshly painted red nails digging into him enough that he pulled away, panting.
She smiled, making an almost laughing noise.
"What's so funny?"
"You're not treating me like glass."
"Why would I? I've sparred with you. You're a lot of things but glass isn't even on the list." Asuma replied, though he really hadn't been thinking that way at all. It was okay though; he got it now. Don’t worry about insulting her by being too rough. Gooot it. He slid his hands down her arms, getting her hands (and nails) off him, and catching them in his.
Due to the graphic nature of the next scene, it has been cut. God forbid we discuss boobies.
Maybe I can send him a thank you card. Kurenai thought during her shower, right before dawn. It might make him implode. But I should thank Iruka for the offhand motivation. Hmm. Maybe I'll send him flowers. 'Dear Iruka. Thanks for the motivation. Have fun screwing Kakashi after school' or better yet, 'way to go, screwing Kakashi after school!' with a kind of 'by the way, that room might be occupied today so don't use it’.
Her train of thought got broken off when Asuma stepped into the shower after her.
Insert another scene with boobies here. Maybe if I get this overwhelming demand to write them, I will. I don't mind it, hell I'd have fun, but it's not why people read this so whatever. Meh. I'm bored now. Moving on to Sasuke- wait. Oh dear. I've run up my quota of weird, weird shit for this chapter. And must move on. Soooo, tune in next chapter for more… Stuff.
Kakashi would have woken up horny except that he was woken up a little too early.
See, there was a surge of intent that Kakashi chose not to respond to and a sudden weight on his face. No, wait, it was a pillow. And it sounded like Iruka might be yelling something but with the damn pillow on his head it was hard to hear. It sounded important, so with a puff he swapped places with his assailant.
Not that putting Iruka's head under the pillow instead of his own made it much easier to hear. Iruka screamed and thrashed then went still, crossing his arms and radiating intense disapproval. Not a bad trick with your head hidden. Kakashi loosened the pressure and slid the pillow down, uncovering Iruka’s eyes and nose.
"Good morning!" He smiled brightly.
"Ummp uu!"
"That sounded rude." Kakashi said, moving and plopping himself on top of Iruka to peer over the pillow. He then lifted it enough so Iruka could talk.
"You jerk." Iruka said finally, blushing. "I can't even believe you did that."
"Did what?"
"You know perfectly-" Iruka’s voice started to rise so Kakashi put the pillow back. Iruka glared until it got moved away again. "You know perfectly well what."
"Hmm. Enlighten me."
"My legs! And - And other stuff! Why the hell did you even DO that?"
"Oh. That." Kakashi smiled slightly. "Are you that mad about it?"
"Yes!"
"But you have such shapely legs. And 'other stuff'. I was attempting to showcase it."
"Showcase it..."
"Yes."
"By waking up at some point in the middle of the night and shaving everything from my hip bones down?" Iruka asked. "Tell me, where you dropped often as a child or was it just once off something really, really high?"
Kakashi set his forehead to Iruka’s. "Actually, I did it more to even things out. You had a few odd little bald patches after last night and they looked, well, actually, they felt odd. So I thought I'd try to blend them."
"It's going to feel odder when I'm covered in stubble!"
"Well, if it gets too bad I could just shave you again - ah- hey-" He had to lift an arm to block Iruka from punching him in the head. "Hey, hey - think about it."
"I will hurt you for this." Iruka grumbled.
"No really -" Kakashi decided he was still vaguely horny even if he'd been woken prematurely and shifted, pressing everything that wasn't blocked by a pillow into Iruka. "It's gotta feel a little different, don't you think?" He rocked slowly against him. And Iruka stopped squirming and shuddered.
"Da - Dammit Kakashi, that's not the point!" Iruka yelped slightly as Kakashi’s hips settled into his, partial erection rubbing against him. "I know it feels different. It's not the oooh - ah-"
"Not the what?"
Iruka shivered then blushed. "Not the first time I've shaved my legs. I ahh- " Kakashi moved again and he moaned. "Never went that high – Oh -"
Kakashi chuckled. "Breakfast?"
"I'm still gonna get you." Iruka reached around the pillow, arms around Kakashi’s shoulders. "Ah-"
"If I move the pillow will you scream and bite me?"
Iruka thought about it for a second, then smiled slightly. "Yes."
"Hmm. Fair enough." Kakashi moved the pillow out of the way and leaned his head down to kiss at his neck. "Do you have to avenge your leg hair?"
"Yes." Iruka leaned his head back. "Are you morally opposed to me running?"
"When it requires you leaving a vacant, cold spot in my bed, yes." Kakashi kissed an ear, stretching against him. "Why do you run in the morning anyway?"
"Because - " Iruka stopped then lifted his head, smiling suddenly. "I'd have to show you. Do you want to see?"
He didn't. Seeing would require getting out of bed and putting pants on, and pants were very anti-penetration if they were worn properly. So he did what anyone would have done when faced with that easy, happy smile. He lied. "Sure?" Maybe if I shave his HEAD next time he won't be able to use that 'look at me peer thought my bangs all cute and stuff' look. Kakashi pondered the likely fallout.
Iruka kissed him, lips still bent and squirmed out of bed, avoided tripping over the drop from room to room by springing over it completely.
Kakashi sighed very softly and smiled at his interesting view of Iruka hopping into his pants. With a slight exhale, he sat up, slinking out of the bed and dressing lazily. He was only halfway through tugging his sandals into place when Iruka was suddenly on the bed behind him, arms sliding around his wait. "Mm?"
"Hurry up."
Kakashi turned his head and leaned back, biting Iruka’s ear. "You've - so far today - woken me with an attempt on my life and are depriving me of breakfast. I will be dressed when I am dressed." He stopped with the sandal and slunk an arm back, turning to pin Iruka to his side.
"Geeh - " Iruka couldn't actually get free from that. Kakashi dragged him into his lap fairly leisurely. "But - I do want to show you -"
Kakashi set his forehead to Iruka’s, eyes shut. On one hand, he wasn't totally dressed yet. Getting undressed and persuading Iruka to join him probably wouldn't take long. On the other hand, he'd already said he would. And Iruka obviously wanted him to share whatever odd little slice of nature he'd made him own.
Kakashi leaned on his captured possession, relaxing and pretending to think about it. "But you're so warm." He mumbled, tilting his head so his hair was brushing Iruka’s face. "Mmm. How long is this run of yours?"
Iruka’s eyes shut and he nosed the tufted hair. "About one, two and a half hours. Depending."
Kakashi glanced at the clock. Three thirty. Well, fine. They had fallen asleep far sooner than he was accustomed to. Little wonder it was early. "You're trying to get me on your schedule."
"Not intentionally." Iruka pulled away a little, suddenly nervous. "I'm sorry. I just - You asked and I suddenly wanted to show it to you. If you don't want to leave we don't have to." He paused, suddenly unsure if he'd done something wrong. Crap, crap, crap - He froze when Kakashi shifted him away.
Kakashi glanced sideways at Iruka and realized the man was about to panic. Iruka was hiding it very well, only really looked confused on the surface and maybe apologetic. However - and Kakashi tilted his head thinking about this rather distractedly - he let a slow smile break his blank expression slowly. "You can share whatever you'd like with me."
Iruka felt himself relax a little, and mentally berated himself for being so - shaa, I don't even know the word for what I am right now, but it's pathetic. "Alright." His voice was almost tentative.
Kakashi moved, not really realizing he'd done so and pulled Iruka to him. His smile became slightly more sly. "Maybe you need me to share something back?"
"No, no, I don't need anything." Iruka’s body leaned against Kakashi, though his head stayed back to examine his captor’s face.
"Don't think of it as a matter of needing it then. Think of it as a want." Kakashi’s smile said he was amused and possibly plotting something, but not another damn thing was being given away.
Why does he even BOTHER with a mask? He's unreadable! Iruka thought, frustrated and not realizing that most people wouldn't have gotten as much information from that look as he did.
"What do you want me to share?" Kakashi said carefully.
"I don't - " He stopped when Kakashi cut in, putting a hand over Iruka’s mouth.
"Everyone has wants. Don't lie."
Iruka swallowed and looked down. Kakashi moved his hand. " I- I would - I want to know something about you that'd - that'd stay between us. I don't - I don't need you to share anything that would hurt you to talk about. I don't want that."
"Ahh. Blackmail material."
"No! That isn't what I meant! Stop taking things weirdly!"
"Weirdly? And they let you teach?"
"It's the right word for it."
"I'm not taking things 'weirdly' as you seem to think." Kakashi said soberly. "You want to know more about me, but you don't want to ask for too much. So you simply want a secret, from me to you, that won't make you feel guilty for asking. A part of me."
Iruka didn't answer at first. He just didn't have a real reply.
"If you stopped worrying about how I'd take it, you'd probably say it better."
"Well, then - " Iruka sighed. "Tell me something no one else knows. Some silly thing you did that you never confessed to - Or something like that. I'd - I'd like to hear you tell me something like that."
"Something like your table story?"
Iruka blushed, looking down. "Nothing that embarrassing."
Kakashi kissed him then, lightly, teasingly until Iruka was kissing him back. He broke it off and leaned forward enough to kiss Iruka’s ear. "Hmm. I'll try to think of something while we run then." He let go of Iruka, turning to pick up his vest and thigh pouch.
Iruka felt like he had somehow missed something. Again. I need a manual I'm dating- or whatever the hell this is - a man who should come with a manual. And I really shouldn't watch him strap things to himself – gaah! Such nice thighs.
Kakashi settled the mask into place then turned, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well? Go on then, I'll follow you."
Iruka nodded and walked out the door. It was dark outside. You could still see a vast majority of the stars and the air was icy, clean and crisp. Kakashi wondered vaguely if they'd gotten their first frost of the season yet as he watched his breath steam out in front of him. Iruka didn't seem to mind the cold; he didn't even bother to stick his hands in his pockets as he walked to the edge of town, where it just got darker.
Then he was gone. Kakashi paused and relocated him in a tree fifteen feet up and to the left. Iruka paused and turned, looking over his shoulder. "Should I tell you where we're going or-"
"I'll just follow you." Kakashi said from his new position next to Iruka. Iruka barely blinked, just nodded and took off.
For a course that Iruka had to have run several hundred times before, Kakashi wasn't finding a lot of proof of it. The branches didn't seem worn. There were very, very few broken twigs, but taking into account how dark it was, Iruka seemed to have it memorized. Maybe he had more than one course?
It was a damp morning. Kakashi could actually feel his hair reacting to the moisture in a defensive manner by sticking out in bizarre ways like an angry hedgehog. Maybe it was time to invest in some sort of gel. Not that he ever cared what it looked like, but it'd be nice if it stayed more or less uniform. But then, of course, I'd lose my petability-factor. He grinned slightly to himself at the pure stupidity of that thought and went back to following Iruka. The man was fast and didn't seem to be going any slower to accommodate his guest.
In fact, he seemed to be going faster now, like he had noticed the light change a little - (at this point Kakashi brains went oh, hey, light! Yay!) and was now making up lost time.
Probably sunrise. Kakashi realized. Coming suddenly seemed like a bad idea. It'd been, years since he felt anything emotional as a result of a daily atmospheric phenomenon. Poor Iruka was going to get all worked up over showing him what was probably a very pretty sunrise only to get no real response. Bah. Maybe I can fake something. Had to be a better way to look at it. At the very least now if he ever needed to find Iruka during his 'we don't need sleep' morning run, he'd know what side of the village to start on. Should have known it'd be a sunrise. Not that it was Iruka’s fault. It wasn't as if only sunrises had lost their charm over the years. Most of the beauty of nature had been replaced with continuous, calculated identification of camouflage and the tactical uses of tree bark. The falling leaves looked like good visual distractions, the blanket of red and orange on the ground would cover tracks with hardly any effort. There was wildlife around gathering food. That meant there was food on the paw and hoof. And berries and other edibles if you followed the meat.
If he remembered right, chipmunk was quite good roasted over coals. The satisfaction factor of food seemed to go up when it was cute.
It was a good course Iruka seemed to have though. There was a rather brutal bit of rocky scrambling in the middle, the trees were far enough part that the leaps weren't boring, and the bit where Iruka cut across the river was entertaining. Mostly because it was a rather turbulent area of water and the right amount of chakra necessary to not plunge through the foamy white was far trickier than a lake or puddle would have been. He was almost annoyed to realize his feet were wet, doubly so when he noticed Iruka’s were still dry.
It was maybe an hour before he had to stop in mid leap to avoid slamming into Iruka. He had stopped on a high branch, the only one with any wear on it. Kakashi dropped and hung off the side of the tree, lower down. Where Iruka's feet were was bare; the bark was gone, leaving only polished, bone-white wood.
"Up here."
Kakashi joined him, standing next to him. It was a nice view, he supposed. As soon as the sun was all the way up the valley would be stretched up before them. Right now, it looked gray. Thick white mist and slowly tinting blue sky. Iruka paused and sat down on the wood, waiting, and Kakashi sat down next to him.
The first lancing blade of light actually almost hit them. Kakashi blinked as that happened. Obviously, this was a well-chosen spot. Then the next few rays hit the mists.
And Kakashi had to stop and stare a moment. Not that he was awestruck by the beauty- but -
The mist turned red from the glowing golden sunrise. There weren't very many clouds around but they turned lavender purple. His eye went back to the mist though. It was pooled, somehow, in a long, curved indentation in the main curve of the valley. He wouldn't have noticed it if it wasn't for the mist, but with the dawn, it looked almost like a blood clot.
It was fascinating and awful. Looking at it made something in the pit of his stomach go cold and dead. It took a moment, maybe two before he realized what it was.
Kyuubi. It had to be. A spot where the monster’s body had been physically thrown, slamming into the soil. A huge, long GOUGE that the fight had caused, grown over now until all it could do was gather mist. I wonder how many bones are ground into the earth there. No wonder the trees have nearly evened out.
"You come here every day?" He asked, brain swirling. Did Iruka know what that was? It got brighter red as the sun went up higher. Iruka had been dragged howling from that fight hadn't he? A lot of students hadn't and the people who'd carried them off tied with the people who stayed and fought for pure crazy. The people who had fought had no time to think, but the runners with survivors - they had run away and come back.
But did Iruka know what it was? Or was it just a pretty sunrise spot for hi -
"Don't. You. Dare."
"Ee?" Kakashi blinked. Iruka had turned to look at him and suddenly spat out those words almost hatefully. No, it was hatefully but it wasn't directed at Kakashi precisely.
"That look. Don't look at me like that." Iruka’s voice was rising a little, his hair was bristling. Kakashi idly wondered if tying bells to the ponytail would produce mood music before reverting his attention to Iruka. "I hate that look."
"I'm sorry I don't know - "
"I know what I'm looking at." Iruka snapped, eyes going back to staring at the sunrise. "I'm AWARE of what I'm looking at. This is a graveyard." He waved a hand at it. "A battlefield. And I got enough of that same despicable look of raw pity to last me a lifetime so stop it now and don't you DARE pity me."
Kakashi waited a long moment to speak. "I'm sorry. It wasn't meant to be pity."
"Yes it was. I even know what you were thinking. You were thinking 'Poor Iruka thinks he's just looking at a sunrise, he doesn't even know this is where his parents died. Should I tell him?'. Look me in the eyes and tell me otherwise."
"I should have assumed you'd know where your parents died." Kakashi said neutrally. "But you're right. I was thinking that. And now I'm thinking - if you want to know this too - why do you come here?"
That seemed to work. Iruka stopped getting so puffed up, at the very least. "I like sunrises. It's pretty here. And it means more to me than, than some rock with names on it ever will. At least for them." He pulled his knees up, setting his arms on them. "I'm sorry. I didn't - I didn't want to bring you here to share that. It's not fair of me."
The mist was hot pink now, gold edged. The trees were brilliant, living shades of green and when a flock of something flew by, there were black cutouts. Kakashi touched his fingers to Iruka’s ears lightly, and pulled them away when Iruka’s shoulder spasmed. There was an odd noise, an intake of breath that shook him and Kakashi responded to it by turning. He straddled the branch and wrapped his arms around the man. Iruka let go of his legs almost at once, but his arms crossed at his own chest instead. It took a long moment before he turned into Kakashi’s chest a little.
"I'm sorry. I'm - I'm stronger than this. I'm sorry." Iruka shifted against him more, not willing to look up and see Kakashi's expression.
"It's unnecessary to apologize. I didn't realize I’d hit a weak spot in your armor." Kakashi stroked Iruka’s hair. Iruka quieted, shifting closer on the branch. He could just see the sunrise finally finish over Kakashi’s arm.
"I'm acting like I'm the only one who’s ever been hurt." Iruka said quietly, eyes staying down. "Kakashi, why do you put-"
"I don't put up with you. I enjoy your company." Kakashi liked it when Iruka lifted his head, nearly nuzzling his neck. "I'll share my story with you later. You were right though. It's an, amazing view." Iruka to this day didn't know that Kakashi had been looking at him as he said it.
~*~*~*~
Sasuke tired to stay asleep. Oh GOD, he tried to stay asleep. Even in his dream he knew he wanted to stay asleep
But no one can sleep forever.
Sasuke woke up groggily. He managed to keep his eyes shut for at least half an hour longer, but finally gave up. He opened his eyes very slowly…
And was greeted with an upside down room. No. Wait. He was upside down; on the counter with his legs against the wall and his head upside down over the edge. Half of his butt was in the sink. He had more bites than if he'd tried to sleep in an anthill and every bite seemed to have two hickeys to keep it company.
And his back hurt…
And lower…
"Oooh -" Sasuke groaned.
"Morning."
"You are WAY too fucking chipper." Sasuke groaned, trying to move and falling off the counter instead. "OW!"
"Are you okay?" Naruto stopped what he was doing and came over. He was covered in odd bites too, but they looked faint on him. He knelt and poked Sasuke in the shoulder.
"As soon as my spine heals, I will hurt you." Sasuke let one eye focus on Naruto. The spiky headed bastard looked non-miserable and had pants on. At the moment that was all it took to make Naruto the most obnoxious creature on the planet. How DARE he look so chipper!
"Oh. Do you want me to make you breakfast?"
"…. Is it gonna be ramen?"
"I have bread?"
"Then why does it smell like ramen?"
And Naruto told him.
Sasuke asked him to repeat it and took a long slow inhale. "And you're doing this why?" He made himself stand up and found his pants. Unfortunately, they had been torn to shreds. Sasuke thought back and decided it had probably been teeth that caused the one rip as it matched the spot where he had a bite on his hip. He settled for tying the remains of his shirt around his waist.
"Cause they really don't make it. And that's just wrong. They should."
"What are you even making it out of?"
"Normal lube and seasoning packets."
Sasuke paused, eye twitching. "You. Had. LUBE!?!" Sasuke was screaming it and trying to choke the miserable blonde fuck. Unfortunately, his muscles were still pretty much not working properly from passing out in such a moronic position and they both fell over in an awkward mess. Naruto’s leg jerked up and while it didn't crush anything external, it did whack him in the ass pretty good.
Sasuke had a brutally painful reminder of a few other things that had happened last night. "GYAHH!" He stiffened and fell onto Naruto, grimacing. "Ah – Ow! You bastard. You had lube! You could have fucking-"
"I didn't have it then. I bought it this morning." Naruto slide his arms around Sasuke’s shoulder suddenly, leaning his head down.
"In your boxers?"
"Yeah. Haven't you ever heard of the unmentionable store?" Naruto leaned against the stove, reaching up to turn the fire off.
"The what?"
"I found it by accident one day. It's a little store on the top floor of a building-"
~*~*~*~
The Unmentionable Store was founded in the fifteenth year of the Second Hokage’s rule. It was originally started for a very simple reason, based on the following scenario.
Male and female ninja marry. Female will get PMS. Eventually. Unless she's kept pregnant and most kunoichi won't stand for that. But I'm digressing. Anyway, no matter what the level of the two ninjas - whether she be a mere Chuunin and he ANBU - the man will be, at some point, forced to buy female sanitary aids. It is a fact of life.
Up until the store was opened, some of the husbands would simply panic and steal whatever it took to keep their wives happy and to ensure they didn't spend several lonely nights on the couch. This was a problem. So after much deliberation, a small closet sized room was built in an alley, way back in a corner. It was unlocked, and opening it would reveal a pile of petty cash to make change with and a few different brands of the needed supplies.
The first person who attempted to steal the money was hit by a team of three ANBU before he got three feet. It was private and secret but not unprotected.
Over the years, the Unmentionables Store got bigger and more diverse. They branched out into medicine for erectile dysfunction, hemorrhoids, herpes, yeast infections, crabs, urinary tract infections, genital warts, any form of suppository, and a few other things too embarrassing to mention. Soon after that, the owner (technically owned by the Village of Konoha, it is usually maintained by one or two people) branched into things like condoms, dirty books (really, really dirty books), marital aids and costumes. And lube.
It's still there, though it's expanded. It has somewhere in the vicinity of three hundred cameras inside it, all these view screens are monitored elsewhere in the village by one to two ANBU members. There's still a pile of change, thought most don't bother trying to make change and just call it a tip. It's easy to sneak into. And that's where Naruto went to buy lube at 5:30 in the morning.
~*~*~*~
"Why do you even know about this place?"
"I was eight and running from Iruka-sensei because he found out I was the one behind the chicken thing. I hid in there by accident and when I started to look around, these ANBU guys came out of nowhere and dragged me to Iruka." Naruto snickered suddenly. "Iruka was soooo mad. But when I started asking about some of the stuff in there, he turned really red and told me to go home. I thought it was the best store in the world. Asking about the things in there got me out of trouble for a month."
"How do you know how it started?"
"I made Iruka-sensei tell me a year or so ago. I found out a little bit more after that. I mean, he just said it was filled with 'adult' things’." Naruto lifted his arms to do finger quote marks. "So I kinda puttered around and figured the rest out."
"And they let you go in there? Aren’t you still underage?"
"I had a sign."
"A what?"
"Well, I went in my boxers, so they'd see the bites on the camera. And when I went in, I held up a sign."
"And the sign said?"
"I need lube and it's too late to protect my innocence. I'll pay double." Naruto pointed to cardboard sign on the remains of a table. "See? Anyway. I just grabbed a bunch of the first non-cherry flavored water-based stuff I could find."
"Water-based?"
"Well, duh. The ramen packets aren't gonna dissolve in oil!"
"It's still stupid to try to make it."
"Why?"
"Because there is no way in hell I'm letting you put home-made ramen flavored lube on or in me under any circumstances. It's SALTY dobe! You don't use salt in a lube!" Sasuke squirmed.
"It's not any worse than sweat!" Naruto protested, not letting go of him. "It's not like I'm gonna cut you first!"
"You're a biter! The sweat stings too!" Sasuke looked at the ruined table. "And look at - what did you do to my apartment?"
"You helped."
"Are you using my pots to brew your stupid lube?" Sasuke got free and staggered to his feet. "Why do you have six pots out?"
"It took a little to not burn it and I may have ruined that one pot." Naruto stood with him. "And I had to do something or I'd fall asleep and then I wouldn't have woken up in time to get to the new meeting place. Isn't it like, three miles away?"
"When are we supposed to be there?" Sasuke was not looking forward to anything but showering, cracking his back into alignment and passing out.
"Half an hour."
"How bad is the shower?" Sasuke asked.
"Umm – well, it sort of works. The - ummm - actually shower head snapped off."
"Oh yeah. But it sprays hot water?"
"Only cause’ you don't have the hot water heater in here. But it works."
"Did you sleep?"
"Not yet."
"Why not?"
"Well, I took a nap yesterday afternoon. I cast Heiwa about - I dunno - ten times and took a three hour nap." Naruto shrugged. "Then I ran into you and you dragged me here and I haven't slept since. You passed out around eleven."
"Why didn't you sleep?"
"I don't usually feel like it, um, after. Apparently." Naruto shrugged. "I actually took some of your stuff and went running. Pretty full moon."
"But you still went to the store in your boxers?" Sasuke asked, rummaging until he found clothes that had escaped the carnage. He had to tip a dresser back upright to get the drawer open and move what seemed to be a few empty jars of strawberry jam, but he succeeded.
"Yeah. Thought I might look weird being seen with that Uchiha logo on my back." Naruto poked the liquid in the pot and stuck it in the fridge, which was leaning to the left and had a purple handprint in the middle.
Sasuke made an odd grunting noise and staggered slowly into the bathroom. There was a pause. "Where the fuck is my soap?"
"Try the toilet tank!"
There was another pause and a splash. "Why the hell was it in there?"
"Don't worry about it. Soap is self cleaning!"
Sasuke rinsed it off anyway before taking a rather torrential shower. When he got out, Naruto had left, opting to write a message on the powered sugar on Sasuke’s carpet.
"Must get - " There was a crude doodle that Sasuke decided was meant to be clothes – maybe." C U l8er with -" There was another doodle to what was either a bush with a stop sign in front of it or a bad, bad drawing of Kakashi-sensei reading his book. Sasuke groaned and toweled off, raiding his field first aid kit of everything he thought might help and putting enough bandages on to make a fifty-foot fishnet.
Now to totter to the meeting place and hope the painkillers kicked the hell in.
I'm going to kill my teacher. Oh – wow – hurt s- ahh - okay. Yes. First I'll rip out his eyes and - no, wait. I'll do that later so I can wave his liver in his face. Wait, I need to - damn. I'm gonna need a flow chart. Maybe if I start with a large, blunt object like a tree and pick an orifice…
Kurenai Omake Theater: Two days ago-
Anko hadn't shut up. She'd been blushing so red, but Anko had kept talking and talking. Then Asuma had wandered by, sat down, made the horrid mistake of asking what was up
And Anko had told him. In jaw droppingly accurate detail. Asuma had nearly swallowed his smoke. And Anko had gleefully kept talking, speculating.
And all Kurenai could think about was that she was suddenly jealous.
It took a moment before she realized WHY she was jealous, sitting in a stall with her friends blushing. And then she got it. It was why she was jealous. She was jealous because shy, sweet, mousy little Iruka had not only thrown a very random move on someone he probably didn't think he had a shot with; he was, at this moment, off doing ridiculously fun things with said person.
"Please, please, please,, Anko why do you think I want to hear this? Kurenai make her stop! My brains hurts from the mental visua -"
And then she grabbed Asuma’s head. He didn't see it coming, as he was covering his eyes and begging Anko to stop poisoning his ears. Begging rather loudly, really, until she got a grip on his hair and ears and yanked his head down and forward. There had been a weird noise and then dead silence as Asuma realized she had relocated his face to her chest.
Then there had been utter, dead silence. Anko just staaaaaaared.
"Better?"
There was a muffled noise, then after realizing he couldn't really speak, he nodded. She let go and he sat up, looking a little dazed.
"Well- then- I have- things to do." She got up, half bowed and fled, turning quite red.
She then devoted the rest of her day to avoiding everyone else.
Last night-
She wiggled her toes. Red polish, always made her feel better, and now that they were nearly dry she could put her sandals back on and go for a walk. A long walk far away from everyone. She'd… make herself talk to Asuma tomorrow.
It had been childish but she had snapped. Sitting there, listening to Anko going on in great detail about things that one just shouldn't go into that kind of detail on. And then she did that thing. That silly thing.
Well, at least you didn't do what you almost did and grab his ass on the way out of the booth. That would have been a five star move. Kurenai told her reflection. Though the look on his face might have been worth it.
She sighed at the thought that there were now three men she couldn't really face right now. How stupid. Beyond stupid. I'll just - I'll go settle things with Asuma tonight. Then I'll only have to avoid the school and Kakashi. I can do that.
She pulled her shoes back on, sighed and went to the door.
The moment she opened it, her left hand came up on instinct and caught the raised fist. She blinked as a familiar smoky smell hit her, mixed with a less normal floral blend.
"A-Asuma?" She asked, letting go of the hand. She asked because, while the smell meant it had to be him, she couldn't see his face. He was holding out a wad (bouquet is too fragile a word for it) of flowers; it looked like one of everything, really. And a bottle of plum wine.
"I was informed by Anko that if I didn't bring a treaty gift for the violation of your personal space, I would be sent to a special hell."
"Oh." Kurenai blinked and took the flowers. "They're lovely. Thank you - oh, for this too." She took the bottle and examined her new gifts.
"I didn't know your favorite flower. And roses are cliché." Asuma said, scratching his head. "It's mostly so you won't think things are weird."
"Everything is weird this week. I think someone put something other than the normal sake in the punch this year." Kurenai stepped back, gesturing with the bottle. "Come in?"
Asuma crushed the ember end of his smoke with his fingers and tossed it in the bushes. "I'd love too."
Kurenai turned and glanced around once. Except for the nail things on the low table - she gave it a good kick and all the well-sealed bottles went flying into a chair along with her day’s reading and a random scroll. On the way to the kitchen for glasses and a vase she tossed a pillow onto it. Voila. No more mess. Asuma chuckled softly but didn’t comment.
She came back with the flowers in a vase and two rather full glasses of plum wine. "Here."
"Thank you."
The flowers went to the center of the now desolately empty table. They were very random, but quite cheery. "So which one is it?"
Kurenai looked up, her train of thought distracted. "Which one is what?"
"Your favorite flower? In case I ever violate your space again."
Kurenai had a series of dirty thoughts about that and eyed her glass warily. She hadn't even had any yet and was debating a way of expressing her general approval of violation through the medium of charades… Not a good sign. "In all honesty, I like thistles."
Asuma blinked slightly. "Is there a reason behind that?"
"They’re cute. And no one messes with them just because they’re flowers."
"Ah." Asuma raised his glass. "Kampai."
"Kampai." Kurenai took a small sip, settling into the chair that wasn't hiding all of her mess. After a moment, she took a bigger sip, sighing. "Thank you. I was thinking about going to your place tonight but it was starting to get late."
"I just came tonight because I didn't know if I'd do it tomorrow. If I gave myself too much time to think, that is." Asuma grinned crookedly.
The problem with us shinobi is that we rarely can flat out say delicate things. It goes against training. Kurenai thought irritably, glaring at her wine. It was quite good. Three glasses and she'd probably start saying what she wanted to say. But that was a coward’s way out, to numb yourself until rejection wouldn't hurt if it came.
"Was it a bad bottle?"
Kurenai realized he was commenting on her glaring at the glass.
"No. It's excellent." She paused. "This isn't even remotely what I want to talk about." She winced as she said it. It seemed almost like a blurt, to her.
Asuma nodded. "I'm not sure how to describe what we should talk about." Kurenai nodded. "But you brought it up so you get to go first." Kurenai made a harumph-like noise. "Technically I already started it by bringing flowers and wine."
"I know." She looked down. "We've know each other a while, haven't we?" The wine spun in the glass when he rotated her hand just so. There was soon a small whirlpool in the glass. She told herself she was letting it breathe.
"Yes. We have."
"I- I've always wondered…why nothing ever happened."
"I was unaware you ever wanted anything to happen."
"Ah." She looked into her glass. "Damn shinobi subtlety."
"You never noticed me as anything other than a colleague either." Asuma said, setting his now empty glass down. He stood up, scratching the side of his jaw. "You free tomorrow?"
Kurenai nodded.
"Then you should let me take you to dinner." Asuma said. "Actual dinner at a nice place. One of the many things I probably should have done years ago." Strange as it was, it wasn't quite awkward. It was more like a formality, words that had to be said even if everyone knew them.
"I probably should have asked you too years ago." Kurenai stood up, setting down her glass. "I'd like that." She went to the door to let him out, then paused when he brushed her shoulder. She turned. "Yes?"
"Question. Is this our first date then?"
"We can call it that." Kurenai smiled, about to open her mouth to jokingly ask if he was going to kiss her good night.
Except his lips were already on hers.
It was a sweet light kiss. She returned it automatically, blinking, slightly saddened. It was too light. Too soft. Kurenai liked kisses that felt as though they were setting you on fire, that were verging on violent, the type that left your lips bruised and numb. Still, it was not a bad kiss. She made a slight noise as he pulled away.
Asuma pulled away slightly, mentally cursing himself. Mostly because he was already leaning back in. Should have known I wouldn't be able to stop at once. The noise was maddening as well; he never heard her make it before. The second kiss was firmer. Idiot. You're being too rough -
More like that! Kurenai pushed back into the kiss, very thrilled at the idea that she wasn't going to have to give him the 'treat me like I'm delicate and I'll castrate you' speech. She nipped at his lower lip once, hard. Her hand pushed at the door, while the other arm went around his neck and pulled him out of its trajectory.
A thousandth of a second dealing informed Asuma that stopping now would be akin to going to the 'special hell', only with more sharp things. Her body was suddenly crushed to his. And like all non-idiots would do, he opted for the softer things. Her kiss got more violent, he found his tongue fighting hers for territory savagely enough that their teeth clacked. His hands settled on her shoulder finally, gripping them tightly and nearly lifting her off the ground. Her hands caught his arms and she gripped back, freshly painted red nails digging into him enough that he pulled away, panting.
She smiled, making an almost laughing noise.
"What's so funny?"
"You're not treating me like glass."
"Why would I? I've sparred with you. You're a lot of things but glass isn't even on the list." Asuma replied, though he really hadn't been thinking that way at all. It was okay though; he got it now. Don’t worry about insulting her by being too rough. Gooot it. He slid his hands down her arms, getting her hands (and nails) off him, and catching them in his.
Due to the graphic nature of the next scene, it has been cut. God forbid we discuss boobies.
Maybe I can send him a thank you card. Kurenai thought during her shower, right before dawn. It might make him implode. But I should thank Iruka for the offhand motivation. Hmm. Maybe I'll send him flowers. 'Dear Iruka. Thanks for the motivation. Have fun screwing Kakashi after school' or better yet, 'way to go, screwing Kakashi after school!' with a kind of 'by the way, that room might be occupied today so don't use it’.
Her train of thought got broken off when Asuma stepped into the shower after her.
Insert another scene with boobies here. Maybe if I get this overwhelming demand to write them, I will. I don't mind it, hell I'd have fun, but it's not why people read this so whatever. Meh. I'm bored now. Moving on to Sasuke- wait. Oh dear. I've run up my quota of weird, weird shit for this chapter. And must move on. Soooo, tune in next chapter for more… Stuff.