Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Side Effects: heiwa no Jutsu ❯ Part one of chpt eleven ( Chapter 11 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Things Involving Fingers… "Naughty Nude Nixens From Space"

Kakashi had not only been TWO whole hours late, he'd taken one look at Sasuke and sent him home. Patting Sasuke on a shoulder knew damn well had been gnawed on, he'd had the added audacity to murmur 'uke' under his breath before returning to his book and giving some lazy orders. Bastard. Sasuke glared at the horrid mess that was his home. What was he even supposed to do to try to fix it? Gaah. Dammi- the hell are there foot prints on the ceiling for? He paused and thought about it, and his memory rewarded him with a stunningly graphic account of why there were footprints indented in the ceiling…
It also explained why he was out of syrup…
With a groan he plopped on the bed. The mattress was sideways and mostly on the floor but it was still more comfortable than standing. He buried his face into the pillow, realized that damn cat was there and idly moved it out of the way. Stupid cat.
At least Kakashi sending him home had allowed him to get out of talking to Sakura. Or, rather, got him out of explaining to Naruto why Sakura wasn't hanging off his arm. Not that he wanted her normal prattle of adoration, but at least it was normal compared to the stark, unnerving horror and confusion she had been radiating at him today.
Annnndd his ass hurt… It seemed to sting extra malevolently as he shifted. I'm in agony and Dobe was ready to run laps… Like he healed overnight. There is so much wrong with that…
He glared around his home again. If he didn't know better he would have thought a herd of sugar-high nine-year-olds had trashed it to hell and back… I'm going to have to kill Kakashi for this. Damn smug bastard. He KNEW this was going to happen!
Kakashi sneezed to himself somewhere out there while training.
Sasuke continued to fume to himself. After a steady hour of this he shifted to 'angry stalking about the house in socks' while trying to shove things into manageable piles.
Broken things here.
Fixable things here.
Things to burn go here…
Stuffed cat goes…. Somewhere safe. Sasuke decided she probably wasn't going to want it back anyway and rinsed it out, hanging it over the shower bar to dry. He looked around the piles and groaned… It was now four in the afternoon. In two more hours Naruto would be back from training (about two hours, at least)….
Sasuke hoped the blonde bastard would be tired. No way in hell was there going to be a repeat of anything that had happened last night for at least a week. Then again, the blonde had better not be so tired as to be unable to help him clean…
Sasuke grabbed a large sponge and started to clean the jam off the wall. Stuff was as hard to get of the wall as it had been to get out of his hair. I probably still smell like blackberries. Great... I can never look at blackberry jam the same way again. Ever… I'm making Naruto help clean the rest.
It took nearly all of the two hours but he got the walls clean. The ceiling was next… He looked at it and realized cleaning it would probably get the walls dirty again. At least the sheets were clean now.. For a while. Now. How to make his Dobe take care of the rest of the mess..
Sasuke didn't even notice the new possessive in his train of thought, he was too busy thinking of ways to make 'his' Dobe be helpful.
He gave up after about ten minutes. He wasn't going to be able to fight like this, and he wasn't going to be willing or able to follow through on any other bargains he might make of a less combative nature…
That left bribery…
And while money might work, it would be far cheaper and faster to take said money and transmute it into ramen if he wanted something done.
Sasuke preened, birdlike, in front of his mirror until he was more or less convinced that most if not all of his hickeys were well hidden. He looked like a reject from a b-rated horror film makeup class, but it was a little better than looking like a reject from an xxx-rated slash film. With any luck his fan club would think the bandages showed his 'inner turmoil' and made his hair look extra sexy, or some other nonsense. Then he grabbed what he hoped would be enough and walked out the door, trusting the owner of Ichiraku to know his best customers' favorite type of noodle.
At least now he had walking down. He was fairly certain he looked natural at it by now. He focused on his feet and tried very hard to look extra moody. Just extra moody though, if he slid into the realm of 'extremely moody' someone might try to cheer him up. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.
"Is that what you told her?"
"Well, I couldn't tell her that the rumor was her teacher had been caught doing, you know, that on the table!"
Sasuke tuned back into reality on just the other side of the hangings outside the booth. He was about to cough, politely, and step through the cloth when-
"I always assumed Kakashi was straight though…"
Sasuke paused and stepped back, going around the corner just within earshot. Two more sentences into the conversation and all hope of being mistaken for moody was killed. He currently resembled a piranha set loose in a nudist colony pool.
He had to go farther away and giggle maniacally after five more minutes. However he had, in those five minutes, gotten the following information-
Kakashi was gay. Or, at the least, bi.
So was Iruka.
They were 'together'…
Really, really together and apparently in public places with unlocked doors.
No one knew how long they'd been together. Sasuke would have bet on 'a while' if only because it was a logical reason to be tardy, day in, day out. Though, now that he thought of it, that didn't make sense because Iruka was disturbingly punctual.
It was the first time anyone had seen either of the two men with anyone in a long time. Longer in Kakashi's case.
Kakashi apparently had a very nice- Sasuke blocked out the rest of that sentence furiously. No no no. Not listening! That is NOT tactical information!
Sasuke was already plotting furiously. I'll show that bastard! He crowed to himself. There has to be SOME way I can ruin his life with this! Even if it's just a little… He turned on his heel and walked into the booth, cutting off their conversation with an order.
He was still cackling when he took the covered bowls from the woman, paid for them. He sidestepped someone on the way home without looking up to even remotely register who it was. He was still nearly giggling when he got home and set the bowls on the table. When Naruto slunk in, apparently having smelled free food, Sasuke was still grinning like a fool.
Naruto eyed him around a mouthful of noodles. "You okay?"
"I'm great!" Sasuke chirped. "Never better!"
Naruto swallowed slowly. "Did you eat something that had been expired? Did you have to chew the milk, for example?"
"No, no it's just been a wonderful day! You're going to help me clean or I'll hurt you!"
Naruto glanced around. "Okay. Can I eat this before it gets cold?"
Sasuke sat across from him, balancing his head on his laced fingers. "Whatever you want." He smiled broadly.
Naruto put down his chopsticks and attempted to feel Sasuke's forehead. I say attempted because Sasuke grabbed his hand and started to chew on the fingers. "Gah- what's the matter with you?"
"I told you, I'm having a good day."
Naruto made a squawking noise as he was dragged around the table into Sasuke's lap. Sasuke winced slightly from the impact but nothing could ruin his current mood. Sasuke grinned into Naruto's neck in a feral manner. "What made your day so damn good?"
"I found out stuff. That's all." Sasuke had already decided to take great pains to NOT be the one to tell Naruto that Iruka was banging Kakashi (or vice versa, though at this point if he found out Kakashi liked to wear pink panties and be spanked he would have just laughed). Hell, Sasuke ideally would be on the other side of the village when that happened. A different county if he could manage it. He started to chew at Naruto's earlobe.
"Gah- but- Ramen- cold and- guuh-"
Naruto had a useful spot on his ear that made him turn to good if you chewed on it right. It was strange, the very edge, near the top, and it didn't do a thing for Sasuke. On Naruto, however, nibbling at it just right made his body go limp and his hand twitch as his eyes glazed over.
Scratching behind his ears had the same effect.
"Okay, now- first you're going to eat your ramen, right?"
"Ahh- okay?"
"Then we're going to clean until this place looks like it did yesterday." Sasuke brought his other hand up to scratch while he kept nibbling. "Then I'm going to use you as a test dummy for your stupid homemade lube. Sound fair?"
Naruto nodded very slightly. He really wasn't sure what Sasuke was doing to him but the ear thing felt way to damn good. And as Sasuke was the one who had found those spots, it was most definitely Sasuke he was sitting on, Sasuke whom was at this moment trying to stifle a giggle.
Well, a happy Sasuke was usually a horny Sasuke, as Naruto was finding out. So he sensibly wolfed down the noodles and got to work on the scrubbing of the ceiling, walls-
Though, at the end of the night, even Naruto had to admit that ramen flavored lube was probably not going to become the next great sexual revolution.
Kakashi hadn't come by at lunch. Iruka wasn't sure if that was good or bad and in his boredom made up a pop quiz that he threw at the kids as they came back in from the yards. Other than that, the day was dull and typical.
Maybe I can ask Naruto and Sasuke to come help again… Hmm. I need to take Naruto out for ramen. He was acting oddly the other day. Mmm. I still have a pile of onigiri. I should cheat and cut into them a little so I know what I have. Nah… It's more fun this way. He's pretty good at making them, they were all pretty uniform He shifted himself a little. Man oh MAN the shaved feeling is weird… Urgg… I'm going to have stubble. I hate stubble… Oh eww I hope I don't get those stupid little red bumps I got LAST time I had my legs shaved- He paused and had to step out of a rather maniacal looking Sasuke's way. Well, that was a disturbing smile… Oh god I hope he hasn't found himself a girlfriend his angst levels will be unhealthy-er if he gets dumped. Wonder what he has in those bags? Ooo, hey, I could get ramen- Umm… Why are the waitresses giggling at me?
Iruka waved back, smiling pleasantly. The smile got confused when both of the young women dissolved into tittering globs of snickers. Maybe not ramen then… Are they drunk? He blinked and stopped waving, hand hovering there. I think they might be… he put his hands in his pocket and started walking again, confused. How very strange. And slightly sad- why on earth would they even be drinking right now when- Oh, look it's Sakura. "Hello Sakura." He waved slightly.
Sakura was still trying to get the dirt out from under her nails from planting, and today's work out hadn't helped her cuticles much either. Besides, focusing on her nails kept her from thinking about the fact that everyone in the village (okay, three people) had gone quite flippin' mad.
And now one of the village lunatics was waving at her… Fuck! Act natural! Inner Sakura flailed a little. "Hello Iruka Sensei." Just tell yourself it was a rumor… Just tell yourself it was a rumor, just- oh my god what is that on his neck!
"How have you been?" Iruka said pleasantly. "I heard you had to re-plant some plants the other day?"
"Yes. Yes we did."
Iruka felt himself automatically snap to attention. He recognized that tone of voice. It was the same sort of tone students used when they were praying he wouldn't collect homework. It was the tone that immediately activated 'what are they hiding' mode. True, Sakura wasn't his student anymore, but she had been and therefore got the same amount of smothering his current students got. "Been a boring few days other than that?"
"Yes." No.
Iruka smiled. "How are your team mates?"
"Their fine." Naruto is acting weirdly cheerful and Sasuke is a horrible plush-o-phile.
"Oh really? Hey, I have some free time can you tell me about it? I like to keep track of my students."
Don't you have a date or something? Kakashi was damn chipper today-. Inner Sakura groaned, then stopped. Oh god you two probably had a morning quickie. Now Inner Sakura was picturing it. Maybe in the shower? I don't think I'd bother to get out of bed for either of them- Sakura stopped listening to her inner self as she tried out an answer. "Oh, um, maybe, neck- ah- next time."
Iruka paused. Neck what now? "Are you sure? Not even a quick ice cream?"
"Sorry, not even a quickie- gah- hic- no sorry have no time!" She turned as split. "Sorry Iruka Sensei have a nice day I'll tell Naruto and Sasuke and your Kakashi you said hi if I see him first!" This whole sentence was nearly without word breaks.
Iruka brain was already breaking it all down, idly scratching the tip of his nose. He blinked. Neck, quickie to hic. Hmm. Hickey. Mentioning her team mates made her uneasy. I hope Naruto didn't do something by accident aga- ga- Iruka hand had gone to rub at his neck in thought and Kakashi's bite mark throbbed very softly to remind him it was there. His head whipped around to locate his reflection in a window. 'your Kakashi-' Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck- The edge of the hickey looked like it was outlined in glowing red paint at the moment, thought that was mostly in his head, along with the large neon 'perverted teacher quick throw rocks' sign his mind added.
He ran all the way home. Fast.
"Oh fuck oh fuck-" He was still muttering when he got in the door. "Dammit dammit dammit all to hell- gyah!" He barely saw the motion out of the corner of his eye and jumped back, almost clearing the couch and getting off an even six kunai. I say barely cleared the couch because he was tackled neatly in mid air and the two bodies smashed over an end table. Iruka tried a basic break away move but it was thwarted. He didn't bother with another because he had recognized his assailant by now.
There was a moment of just staring.
"Gai what the hell are you doing in here!"
"My apologizes! You see, I had heard a rumor that My-Eternal-Rival-"
"Can you get off of me before you explain the rest?" Iruka wailed.
"Of course Iruka-sensei!"
Iruka felt his ear drums start to bleed. Maybe it was all in his head. Gai nearly dislocated his shoulder getting him to his feet. "Why are you in here?"
"Thanks to my information gathering skill in the area of learning all that I can about My-Eternal-Rival Kakashi Sensei I was made aware of his habit, as of late, to frequent here for trysts of the Romantic Nature! He's been avoiding me lately-"
Iruka made a really, really unhealthy sounding squawk. "TRYSTS!"
"Yes!" Gai paused with his use of exclamation points. "Is my information incorrect? Ayame from Ichiraku and her sister from the dumpling booth both verified Anko as the source and I double checked with her!" Oh, there's the exclamation point.
"Meeeeep-" Iruka sat down hard on the couch, covering his face. "From Anko? How does she even know!" He wasn't expecting an answer.
"There was an incident involving the teachers lounge-"
"AHHH!" Iruka jumped up like he'd been zapped. "No! Oh god please tell me this is your freakish idea of a joke-"
"Double checking with Radio and Genma revealed that later on the day of that incident Kakashi was seen adding a new score mark to the table leg-"
"I'll kill him!" Iruka yelled, kicking the overturned table. "I don't care if he can kick my ass in a fight I'll poison him! There are other ways to make people dead!"
"Am I to take all this as a confirmation of fact?" Gai grinned. "So he has been hiding here!"
"My house is not a stake out for your rivalry!" Iruka said, waving his arms. "It's- this is my house! How did you get- did you come in through the window? Ah! Now I need to get those locking windows-"
"Iruka-sensei will you please answer the question!"
"No! Why the hell should I? You broke in and tackled me!" Iruka threw a salt shaker at his head. "I'm village gossip material and you ran around asking question- if they didn't know before they bloody well know NOW!"
"Now, one moment Iruka!" Gai dodged the salt shaker and the pepper shaker that followed, along with an assortment of other well-aimed cutlery.
There is, in virtually every shinobi's arsenal of jutsu, one that is the rough equivalent of kunai shotgun, propelling ten to thirty of the lovely sharp things through the air. There are several different variations of the 'fling shit' jutsu for each different county, and honestly in a real shinobi fight it's rarely a strong enough move to use without having it in conjunction with a few dozen other steps. You can't win chess with just a pawn, and so forth.
"Nagetobasu suuken no jutsu!"
This doesn't mean it's not a fun thing to use to persuade Noble-Green-Beasts that they shouldn't been in your home, twice so when instead of kunai you're flinging the contents of your cupboards. Several plates died in the attack and a teapot went winging out the door.
"That was uncalled for!"
"I think he was fairly justified." A voice observed from outside the door. Kakashi side-stepped in, carrying the teapot and a few plates.
"Ah! I knew you'd show up! My-Eternal-" Gai was cut off.
"You! This is all your fault!" Iruka yelled, clearing the couch to land in front of Kakashi, Gai temporarily forgotten. "What did you DO- make a poster! You went back to the table?"
"I was following a grand old tradition a friend of mine started-"
"You bastard!"
"-I must even The Score-"
"-When I'm done with you- are you TRYING to get me in the tabloids-"
"I insist that you stop dodging and meet-"
"--your brains must be completely cracked-"
Kakashi was backing artfully away from Iruka, who's only reason for not having fallen to the ground in a horrid panic attack was that he was being buoyed up by rage. The jounin was sure he could probably get that silly hair tie off with minimal effort, but while an angry Iruka with his hair down might be cute, Kakashi was sure it would probably start to chew at his jugular in an adorable fashion. Gai he completely ignored. His back hit the fridge. Hmm.
Iruka nearly choked on the onigiri that was suddenly stuffed in his mouth. Gai nearly fell over in mid pose as he was given the same treatment. Well, not quite the same treatment as Iruka found himself slung over a shoulder and tossed into his bedroom.
"Gai, outside. Now." Kakashi shut the bedroom door and hopped out the window. Gai followed, trying not to gag on what was apparently a wasabi/garlic filled rice ball. "Alright. Now. Explain."
So Gai explained his 'Locate-The-Eternal-Rival' plan and his questioning (or, rather, interrogation) of the various people involved.
Kakashi mentally groaned. He could hear Iruka curling into a small ball inside the walls of his apartment, and depending on where he had wedged himself it might take a bit to get him out. "And did you tell him in this fashion?"
"I merely-"
"Stop." Kakashi waved his hand. "Okay. Fine. A contest." He stuck his other hand in his pocket. How to get this over with… "Alright… It's my turn right?"
Gai blinked, wondering why he was getting such limited resistance. Could it be his Eternal-Rival had finally come around to joy of the manly challenges that Gai put forth? Or was it-- "Are you worried about your boyfriend?"
Cripes he's loud. Kakashi winced and wondered if Iruka heard that.
Inside, Iruka was trying to figure out how to toss a coin between the three options of suicide, hysterical crying jag, and holding his breath till he passed out. And yes, he heard that. He whimpered and went back to his coin. Two heads mean I just drown myself in the bathtub- two tails means- Oh god oh god.
"Possibly." Kakashi said after a moment, staring at the window. "If you're going to waste my time I'm going back inside."
"Not at all! I find it heartwarming to see that you have settled down with someone as pure as Iruka-sensei!" Gai said, the sun setting behind him dramatically.
Kakashi normally would have been disturbed by that, as Gai was facing north, and under no circumstances should the sunset be behind him. But by this stage Kakashi had come to accept that the man seemed to have his own particular weather and or celestial phenomena at his beck and call. "Yes, yes, alright this time-"
"Should I fail to defeat you, Kakashi, I shall--"
"Leave Iruka alone and out of it." Kakashi cut in. "Actually, you're going to do that either way… "
"Fine! But I shall--"
"What's In My Pocket is the name of today's game. I have, in my pocket, something that is not a weapon. Or my hand." Kakashi cut in. "You get three guesses. Guess wrong, I win. Guess right and you--"
"A pencil!"
Kakashi stared. "First off… A pencil could be used as a weapon with minimal imagination… Second off… No." He let his hand stay flat, not allowing his fingers to curl around the item and give away its shape. It still felt cool from where he had swiped it off Sasuke's counter not thirty minutes ago. Hey, it's not like he didn't leave anything behind in exchange...
"Hmmm." Gai assumed his 'I-Am-Thinking' pose with on hand on his chin. It's not My-Eternal-Rival's book, because he carries that in his vest… "A lover's token?"
Again, Gai was really inhumanly loud at times… At this rate Iruka would be somewhere in the closet -- and digging. "No."
Now Gai was worried, and regretting his throw-away answer… He shifted into 'Deep-In-Thought' and continued to ponder.
"I don't suppose you can hurry it up."
"Could it be-- No, too obvious…" Gai paused. "Lube?" It was said in his 'normal' voice, so of course Iruka heard it clearly and buried his head in a pillow.
Kakashi reflected he could always claim he'd been thinking of the lint way down in the corner of his pocket. Unfortunately, as idiotic as these confrontations with Gai were, he still felt the need to go through them honorably. He nodded and Gai's jaw practically scraped the floor.
"I was RIGHT? I mean-- of course! It was the only thing he didn't have in his cupboard!"
"Congratulations, the score's now tied." Kakashi said, then, in a sudden, icy cold fatal-undertow-like tone, added, "And if you ever drag him into it again you'll have a real fight on your hands -- not just a training bout." He turned and lazily slunk back through the still open window.
"Ah! Even in protecting your love, you do it in a Very--" the window slammed shut "--Cool Way, My-Eternal-Rival!"
Kakashi groaned quietly and rapped at Iruka's door. "Open this." He paused and shed his vest and the kunai holder on his leg, then his shoes.
There was silence, but he could feel Iruka in the room beyond, the air moving as a body shifted.
"I'll break it in, you know."
"It's not locked." Iruka said meekly, opening it. "Did he go away? I need to apologize-- I shouldn't have thrown the dishes at him it was-- ahh--" Kakashi had stepped up against him, a hand gripping his chin. "Your fingers are cold."
Kakashi nodded. "You're okay?"
Iruka shook his head a little. "No."
"I didn't think you would be." Kakashi mumbled, shutting the door.
Iruka made a weirdly frantic laugh and sat down hard on the edge of the bed. "I'm not an idiot! I'm not! I know-- I knew that-- I mean-- it's not like I was planning on being-- fuck! I didn't think it'd be this fast!" He buried his face in his hands. "Oh god-- and tomorrow the little-- they're gonna be asking about it-- 'Iruka-sensei, Iruka-sensei! I heard mommy and daddy talking about your boyfriend! Why do you have a boyfriend? Couldn't you find a nice girl!' Guuh--" He made a sob-like noise.
Kakashi thought about it for a long moment, then struck. The heel of his hand hit Iruka squarely in the breastbone, laying him out on the bed artfully. Before Iruka could register his new position Kakashi had moved, hand re-grasping his jaw.
"Ah-- what are--"
"Are you ashamed then?"
"What--" Iruka felt his head get tipped back, neck stretching. He felt Kakashi breathing, it hit his neck. "Of myself maybe--"
"Mm. For what?"
"Not locking that damn door." Iruka said, voice bending in a weird way. Like he was trying to laugh, or maybe trying not to break into hysterics. "Not-- not being sober at that party-- I don't KNOW! I'm-- "
Kakashi relaxed his grip and slid down next to Iruka, leaning in to nuzzle at his neck. Iruka shuddered and turned, grabbing at him and burying his face in his shoulder.
"Oh god-- I don't want to think about tomorrow--" Iruka moaned. He slid his arms around Kakashi's shoulders. "I'm sorry-- can you stay a bit? Please? I promise to calm down. Really."
Kakashi didn't answer. Probably wise. Iruka rambled on.
"And Sakura knows."
"Mm. Really?"
"I ran into her today." Iruka said. Then he added. "You said no one would be able to see it."
"I lied."
"I noticed." Iruka brought one of his hands to his face, covering his eyes. "Not soon enough-- I'm an idiot-- I'm sorry-- Did you win?"
"No. Didn't know he'd gone through your cupboards too, or I would have picked a different game. Nosey of him."
"You did too, didn't you?"
"I was making sure you didn't have an unhealthy, borderline psychotic obsession with me." Kakashi said shrugging. "And I needed to get a few of your things so you could take a shower and so forth. I was being safe and considerate."
"I know." Iruka paused. "Umm. Why was he yelling about, um, about lube outside then?" He glanced up a little. "I couldn't actually hear what you were saying to him."
"Ah. He was guessing what was in my pocket." Kakashi leaned onto his back a little, taking a moment to work the smallish tube out. Iruka looked at it and flushed.
"Oh." It was a small voice. "That's practical." He took it and read the label automatically. "Not toxic, edible-- not for use on children? They actually have to write that?" He sighed and stretched up, setting the item down on the pillow above their heads, still blushing deeply.
Kakashi looked at him a moment, the way he was curled in, eyes open but not really focusing, and the way he was starting to bite distractedly at his lower lip. "Hmm. Ruru-kun?" He leaned his head and nuzzled until Iruka was blinking up at him.
"I've decided to distract you by sharing." Kakashi said, sitting up. Iruka looked confused for a moment, sitting up with him. His face cleared as he got it.
"Oh-- Oh you don't have to do that. Really." He smiled weakly. "I'm-- The offer is enough. Thank you."
Kakashi rubbed his head idly, getting the last of the cold out of his hair. "I was fifteen."
"You really don't--"
"Will you let me tell my story?" Kakashi said, dragging Iruka onto his lap. He started taking off the other man's vest while he talked. "I was fifteen and-- no laughing, by the way. Or, at least, make a noble effort to hold it in."
Iruka nodded, shifting his legs till they were loosely wrapped around Kakashi's waist. "I'll try?"
"Mm. You better. Where was I?"
"Yes, alright. I suppose I should do some, mild explaining you see, I've always worn this." He hooked a finger into his mask, stretching it out and letting it snap back in place. "And it's always been a, curiosity, I suppose is the word."
Iruka nodded again. "Alright. With you so far."
"As a result most of the people vying to share my bed were really more interested in seeing my face than any other parts. And the few that weren't I really didn't believe." Kakashi was glad to see that he had Iruka's attention full, at the least. Glad I saved this then. It should relax him. "So, at fifteen, I still hadn't."
"Oh." Iruka turned really crimson on Kakashi's behalf. "You hadn't?"
"Don't believe me?" Kakashi pulled the vest the rest of the way off, tugging Iruka hips closer. Iruka moved with him so they were nearly nose to nose. "It's true. Tragically true, if you must know."
"I'm sorry."
"Hmm. It's not as if you were stalking me, chasing off suitors. You were apparently enjoying nude beaches and being molested by elderly married women at the time." Kakashi let his fingers play with the few free hairs at Iruka's neck. They bristled slightly as he said that. "Not in that order."
"Oh, go on with your story already." Iruka tried to sound miffed but was distracted by Kakashi taking off the hitai-ate and nuzzling his forehead.
"Alright. Either way, I felt I was under an undue amount of pressure to do something about my condition." Now Iruka's hair was down, Kakashi paused to take his gloves off before running his fingers through it. "So I did what I felt was the sensible thing."
"Masturbation?" Iruka eyes were half closed, he let his head be tilted this way and that by Kakashi's palms.
"I was getting really tired of it by then." Kakashi said, slightly amused.
"Hire a--"
"Who's telling this?"
"I made a clone."
Iruka sat up a little, looking at him. A clone? He screwed a copy of himself-- no, that's silly, he's not that egotistical… Besides, it's hard to hold a clone, or any other jutsu, through orgasm. His eyebrow went up. "Didn't it go 'poof' in the middle?"
Kakashi paused. "… Yes… But I'm not quite there yet. You see, I rather over-planned the whole affair. I wanted a female, at the time, but I didn't know how to make, certain parts."
"Oh, good."
"Why good?"
"I was scared it was a clone of you."
"Well, it was, but it used Henge to look different. I actually took a short med unit class on female anatomy to make sure I got all the parts right."
"Did you have notes?"
"Note, diagrams, photos, reference sketches…." Kakashi sighed. "I had all that set up, how that was supposed to work…" He paused, eyeing Iruka. He's a good listener, knows when to cut in to poke fun at me. Tease. "But I didn't have a face for 'her'. So I thought about it a little…" His voice trailed off.
Iruka leaned forward and kissed him suddenly, lightly on the mask.
"What was that for?"
"Making me forget about how much I'm going to hate tomorrow." Iruka smiled. "For telling me this story."
Kakashi pulled the black cloth down gracefully. "Care to try again properly?"
Iruka grinned and nodded, leaning forward eagerly. Kakashi's lip were warm, maybe from his breath, and generous. The man was unerringly good at making even a brief kiss feel like a caress. And this wasn't a brief kiss, Kakashi leaned into and away from it ever so slightly until a rhythm was set, advancing a little more than he retreated.
Hmm. This is no good. If I go too far how will I finish my horrible story? Iruka felt warm and lean on him, a cozy hand brushing the mask off his jaw, sliding under the hitai-ate as fingers tickled his hairline. I suppose it could wait 'til later… Kakashi debated. Iruka made a noise, unidentifiable, but it combined pure adoration of sensation with greed.
Kakashi pulled his head just far enough back to bring a tiny layer of air between them. Iruka leaned in to remedy that and his lips met Kakashi's finger. "Uhh?"
"I'm still telling my story." Kakashi said. "I had everything planned out but what this-- thi-- what are you doing?"
The look Iruka shot him implied that was he was doing should be pretty bleedin' obvious. He would have made a smart-ass remark to that very same slant except he was now sucking on Kakashi's finger and talking would have been awkward.
"Ah…" Kakashi wiggled said finger and felt Iruka's tongue swirl around it once. Kakashi took a moment to swallow. "I, I hadn't thought of a face for her, you see. Or, or a body."
"Mm-Hmm?" Iruka hummed a polite confirmation.
"So, you see, I had to make one up rather on the fly." Kakashi pulled his finger away a little and Iruka's hand came up to hold his wrist. Kakashi felt fingertips rubbing against his palm in small circles. "Um." He gave up talking for a bit.
Iruka pulled the hand away, nipping at the fingertip before biting the base of the thumb. If he moved himself forward just a little, legs tightening, his hips settled into Kakashi's rather nicely. His lips moved to the base of the fingers, brushing wetly over calluses.
Kakashi had nice hands, long and graceful looking, with the skin hardened smooth from wear. Not entirely toughened up though; Iruka found that flicking his tongue at the web between the fingers seemed to get a distinct reaction. He kissed the palm next, finally glancing up. "Am I distracting you?"
"Tease." Kakashi said, pausing. Gotta be a way to make him crack first. He was, after all, quite good at this type of game, at the very least he had years of 'research' from his reading. "Hey, Ruru? Have you ever heard the hand thing"
"Mm?" Iruka glanced back up from lipping at his pinky. "Hand thing?" He nipped the end and licked it, taking it into his mouth deliberately.
"About hand length and how it can be used as an indicator for other measurements." Kakashi managed to say this sentence in a normal, conversational tone as Iruka started to apply suction.
Iruka had heard of it, actually. It was in chapter twelve of 'Naughty Nude Nixens from Space!', the first horrid dirty book he'd read that had scared the hell out of him when the hermaphrodite love toads had showed up. (He'd returned it so fast he'd forgotten to retrieve his special book mark). But, instead of nodding agreement, Iruka put on his very, very best 'I am an innocent school teacher, why would I know what you're talking about?' face. He'd gotten quite good at if for that horrible month Naruto had kept asking questions about 'love fists' and edible underwear. It involved making his eyes a little bigger and raising his brows.
"It's a simple rule, really." I will win this dammit. "Measure from the base of the palm to the tip of the ring finger-- yes. That ring finger." He managed to keep his voice calm as Iruka switched fingers. "That's very clever of you."
Iruka paused. "Are you sure it's the ring finger?"
"Yes. You measure it to determine length."
Iruka feigned temporary confusion, then comprehension. "Oh-- oh! Really?" He started to turn his head away a little. "But, that doesn't make sense."
"You don't think?" Kakashi asked.
"I'm fairly certain it's middle finger for me." Iruka said, mustering up as much shyness in his tone as he could. "It's not for you?" He set his palm flat to Kakashi's, lining up his middle finger with Kakashi's ring finger. "Well, that's okay."
Kakashi blinked at him. "That's okay-- hey-- wait a--"
"Because I'm sitting on you, Kakashi and I think you have your fingers wrong." Iruka leaned forward and kissed him, first on the cheek then once near the ear, letting himself rub forward. "Your hands aren’t that big-- I mean, long. Have you ever checked?"
"Keh--" Kakashi made a strange noise. Iruka felt a sudden heat against his own ear and Kakashi turned away a little.
Iruka leaned back, looking at Kakashi. He'd turned his head so most of his face was obscured by hair and hitai-ate. Iruka pushed the fluffy foliage out of the way.
"God you're beautiful." Iruka leaned forward again, smiling. "Such a fragile pink-- I never blush that delicately.. "
Incredible. I can feel myself blushing more. Kakashi thought ruefully, bringing a free hand up to his face. Damn... Trying not to makes it worse. Note that at no point does Kakashi even consider not teasing Iruka, not even a little.
Iruka pulled the protector off Kakashi's head and kissed the newly exposed temple.
"Can I ask you a question, Ruru?"
Iruka nodded and started to nuzzle at his neck, pushing his collar down.
"Why do you--" Kakashi considered it a moment. "Why do you like that spot so much? My neck, I mean."
"Hmm?" Iruka paused. "It’s soft. You wear this mask, your neck's protected. I mean, so many people want to see your face, but, they never think about your neck. And it's not like anyone would bother pulling your mask down to cut your throat." He stopped, pulling away. "I'm sorry-- that's a morbid thought--"
"It's normal, for people like us. Morbid thoughts." Kakashi tilted his head a little, hooking a finger in the loose material around his neck and pulling it down in invitation. Iruka blushed a little but leaned forward, kissing and nipping. "Thinking like that keeps us alive. To do things like this." He slid his hands down Iruka's back, one hand sliding under his waistband.
"Still doesn't make them particularly romantic or sexy thoughts." Iruka murmured, wriggling under the touch. He let his own hands go to settle on Kakashi's shoulder blades, tracing the curves through the cloth.
"Mm. I have another question." Kakashi's' hand slid far enough squeeze at Iruka's ass. "What's this scar here from? I forgot to ask last night."
Iruka shifted from the squeeze. "Dog bite. There was a stupid bet, the bet was lost, and, there was this.. challenge-run that involved me wearing pork chops and bacon and little else. I don't remember details." He shivered slightly.
Kakashi chuckled, touching the slight raised semi circles before going back to kneading. He had strong fingers, making Iruka shift. "Mm. Lucky dog."
"Me or the dog?"
"Mostly the dog. I don't think I'd mind if you bit me."
Kakashi grinned, nearly evilly. "Really?"

TBC (sorry, this ones long)