Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Side Effects: heiwa no Jutsu ❯ AND now Iruka's pissed. ( Chapter 13 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
CHAPTER TWELVE: Strawberries and Slipcovers
After stopping by Sasuke’s and politely informing the two love-birds (as they frantically tried to de-entangle themselves) that if they played hooky again not only would he publicize their affair, strap large rocks to them and make them go mountain climbing, they'd also have to find a new teacher. Because, as Kakashi explained, he's rather take Sakura on as his personal protégé than deal with getting them out of bed. It was, after all, why someone had invented alarm clocks.
Then he'd slapped them with three separate missions he wanted done by sunset. He'd had to harass the clerk to get those particular three, but, he figured a few long, rushed hours of cleaning out pig stalls, birthing a few calves, and learning how to drain the boils off a few mistreated bulls should leave a graphic impression. Kakashi grinned to himself. Besides, tonight's the night of the midnight run. I may have forgotten to tell them that.
Speaking of which, what time was it? Hmm. Almost three-quarters of the way through Iruka's lunch break. Perfect; just enough time to swing by, say hello, possibly grope him (but only a little) and explain why he was going to have to take off at some point. Mostly just to see him though, the man was simply mesmerizing, even if he was only shuffling paper around in the vague hopes something interesting would happen.
So, Kakashi was in an understandably good mood when he got to Iruka classroom. 'Was' being crucial here because as soon as he was outside the window he knew it was empty. Well, that was fine too, he'd probably gone to make copies, get more scrolls, fresh pencils... hell, even teachers need to use the facilities. So he went inside, intending to sit at a student’s chair (the one right in front of Iruka’s desk would be nice) and take a pseudo nap.
Except Iruka’s desk was upside down at the far side of the room with dent in it. Come to think of it, the whole place smelled like smoke. No signs of a fight. Kakashi glanced around. No fight, no blood. Damn. He glanced at the clock. Hmm.
Wasn't any evidence of children, either. They must have taken everything with them to lunch- except a quick glance out the window showed they were nowhere to be found. Vaguely concerned, he checked the teachers lounge, but a brief inquiry got him an odd head-shake and the information that Iruka had gone home early.
So he went to Iruka’s house. And found- nothing. He wasn't there. Neither was his shirt, as he thought about it (he'd grabbed one of Iruka’s this morning on the basis that what he'd worn there the night before had been wedged under his shoulders for a good forty-five minutes). Hmm. I should go get one of my shirts. This one's too short. He tugged at it again. It really was too short, if he started to stretch his arms a thin sliver of stomach was exposed. Maybe it was just that Kakashi’s pants seemed to stay lower on him than Iruka’s did on him; either way, it was annoying as hell. As revenge Kakashi toyed with the idea of hacking off the top three inches of all of Iruka’s pants, but he didn't really feel like buying replacements. (Hey, just because he was gay and in love doesn't mean he wanted to make shopping a couples thing.)
So he wandered back to the library, only to find Sakura was nearly done. He felt charitable and helped with the last few letters, noting with some amusement that the magazine seemed to have vanished. The check-out card was still on the floor. He pocketed it, intending to tease Iruka just a little. As for the boys- well.
Nothing they were doing was life threatening. They'd be fine. Now, to go change shirts and hunt down Iruka. The desk nearly in the wall was mildly disturbing.
He got home, stopped off his vest and shirt, and pulled a new one on. Then he would have left, except, when he started to put his vest on, the shirt rode up, exposing that same sliver of skin... His automatic assumption was he needed to stop washing things in one big pile on hot and tried another shirt... but it did the same thing. In fact, looking at his closet he realized, they were all the same length… therefore, they would all be short…
That was… weird…. He wasn't really sure what to make of that. The shirts felt normal, were standard issue, but - they weren't his shirts, apparently. He checked his pants and was personally relaxed to find them in proper order. Tense now, he carefully examined his equipment (nin-tools, you pervert.. Yes, I mean you!), taking everything out methodically and spreading it out over his counters. Well, at least that was okay. Next he dropped to the floor, hands and toes (no real ninja would go on hands and knees, as sticking your ass in the air in an invitation to a new orifice), to look under the bed. There wasn't anything there- except-
He reached out slowly to test the odd mark in the dust, try to gauge what had shifted it- and felt the baby-hair fine wire brush his hand. He froze- fuck- did I- no, it's not triggered- geeeh…… Must kill whoever was in here.
Without moving his hand so much as a whisper, he carefully worked his mask down with his teeth and lips, took a deep breath, and blew onto the dust, suddenly glad for his selective cleaning habits. A cloud of the stuff went up, he didn't dare inhale it for fear of sneezing, but after a few tense moments holding his breath the dust settled.
He blinked. Holy crap that's a lot of wire…… and it connect to… heeey… He pushed with his palm, snapping the wire, and so little happened that it was nearly disappointing. Who take the time to deal with this particular type of trip wire and then forgets to connect it to anything?
As far as he could tell, it was nothing but a sort of intricate weave under his bed. Nothing connected to anything that might explode, snap, burn, and trigger sharp things… It was just.. There…
He stays on the ground, touching as few things as possible, and pushed his hitai-ate out of the way. Well… at least there didn't seem to be any chakra traps under his bed. Or dresser….
He stood up, examining the room minutely without moving, using his Sharingan. Then he shut that eye and looked around again for any physical proof of things having been moved.. Everything looked…. Perfect. Not perfect in that made-bed way, but perfect in that the bed was unmade exactly the way he'd left it yesterday morning, perfect in the way that it was, not-
Nothing looked out of place. Well, things did, but they were things he'd left out of place- the pillow on the floor, the towel tossed over the bedroom door to dry, everything was exactly how he'd left it. He sighed, carefully putting everything away. Unnerving, but if that was all that had been done… He started to mentally plot a few traps of his own to install, and wired up a few more basic ones before leaving. Apparently, Iruka had his only shirt, until he found out who'd taken the rest he was going to need it back (even if it currently smelled like sweaty sex…).
"What the hell did you do?"
"The male hog thinks I'm cute! AHH!"
"Drop the corn!"
Iruka wasn't at home either… Or at the school. Not entirely sure of where Iruka went besides those places but firmly resolved to find out soon, Kakashi gave up around sunset and went home to sleep before going to cruelly drag his students out of bed. He'd told Sakura - she'd be ready - but he fully intended to rouse the boys with a few buckets of ice water.
The idea was simple, really. Wake them up, deprive them of sleep, and work them until tomorrow midnight. They should be able to handle it. There wasn't even going to be a mission involved, it was just straight, pure training. Minus whenever Kakashi took off to locate Iruka. Where the hell had his pony-tailed lover gone off too? He hadn't been previously aware of any habit Iruka had for vanishing… Then again it'd help if I asked him.. Though asking him questions like ‘what makes you flee to your hiding spot?’ might very well send him there.
He looked around one last time, kicking off his shoes and peeling off his vest and the too short-shirt. Though, at least then I'd know where he is. Mmph. I should not be this tired. He mentally set his internal alarm for sometime around midnight. He slid into his bed- his head hit the pillow- and-
"FUCIARGH!" He made a noise only partially classifiable as being made by humans and leapt back out the bed, skin burning unpleasantly. It actually HURT, like acid power, maybe- no that would have been triggered by water, this was different- he slammed into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, eyes starting to seep tears defensively. Once he'd made sure water didn't make it worse, he dove into the shower, blindly twisting the hot knob and turning on a freezing cold blast. Dammit, I patted down the bed too- did they sneak in and add the powder or did they do it before? He rubbed with the flats on his hands, eyes shut and tilting his face towards the water. He grabbed his bar of soap and swiped it down one arm- then stopped and physically threw it-
It just, hadn't felt right- He made his eyes open and blinked to see that the previously white bar of soap was now a deep, blue green, along with a swatch of his arm. The color was bleeding down his skin, his left arm and some of his side was now colorful. He tried to rub it off with just his hands but that only seemed to spread it. Not that he could devote much attention to it. With a colorful curse, he stripped his pants off as the water pushed the horridly burning stuff down from his chest onto things he most certainly didn't want to feel as if they were on fire. The water was starting to warm up, he grabbed the other knobs and twisted it, not wanting to scald himself, and then-
There was a slight pop. He felt it in the tension of the knob and cursed, turning it the other way- but it was too late. The water turned brilliant crimson, and for one frightening second he thought it was his blood, that he was dead, and this was just the last few seconds of conscious thought he got because his throat HAD to be slit there was SO much red- but a heart beat later and he knew that it wasn't his blood. Actually, the taste in his mouth-
Kinda like strawberries.
Someone had packed the cold water pipe with what tasted suspiciously like strawberry Jell-O-mix. In fact, he could feel it start to junk up his hair. He started to reach for the shampoo and decided that it was most likely booby trapped as well…
So he stood under the hot water, putting up with its near scalding quality until the goo was melted out of his hair. He was still, however, pink, and had to come to the conclusion there was some sort of dye mixed in with it on the basis nothing you could ingest should stain this badly... PINK except for the green spots… I look like a fucking lily. He picked up the shampoo, carefully. It felt about half full, and he poured it out. Was poured out was deep, pure orange. The conditioner was turquoise. Iruka’s shampoo (it was still there) was purple and that bottle of conditioner was an eerie shade of blackish green.
He finally toweled off (after checking the towel with a sort of morbid, dissection like method that left him with a pile of scraps he felt safe with). Then he repeated this examination on his clothes until he found a safe pair of pants and put them on, only to find them a little bit too short… He fixed this with bandages and wrapping from the kit he had been wearing earlier.
Then he tore the place apart. Really, truly apart. The mattress, sheets and pillow were wrapped and forcibly stuffed into a duffel bag, then tossed out the front door for later examination. If it had a screw lid to it, it was examined. If it had a pop top, it was looked over.
After finding the tenth tiny pin-hole that was the trade mark of a hypodermic needle having injected… something… into his fruit, he dumped all of the contents of his fridge into the dumpster.
Then he started on the cupboards… The first one he opened, all the cans (damn heavy things) toppled forward instantly. He wasn't even sure of the physics of how they had been set up that way but he nearly got his toe smashed.
Dammit. He yanked down his mask and bit sharply on the end of his thumb, drawing blood.
Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"-
Pakkun blinked up at him. "New look?"
"I need your nose. Can you identify who's been in here?" Kakashi said, choosing to ignore the comment and pulling the mask back into place.
Pakkun sniffed delicately. "You. The bushy-headed chuunin." He took a deep breath. "That's it."
"You're sure? Keep sniffing." Kakashi noticed, to his annoyance, that all of the labels had been peeled off the cans. Great. He decided to toss them too, rather than play 'guess the contents' for the next few weeks.
"That's it though… and strawberries…" Pakkun sniffed at Kakashi’s foot. "Gonna tell me why you're pink?"
"I don't think so. Iruka was the only here?"
Pakkun was sniffing at the sofa now, trying to pick out the type of smell he was getting. Sweat and something. It took a second to click, even with his superior olfactory prowess, but that was only because it wasn't his first assumption. "Hey, the brush-headed one is your mate now?"
Kakashi rolled his eyes.
"’Bout damn time you picked one." Pakkun groused, waddling (all pugs waddle) to sniff at the cans. "Was starting to think you'd neutered yourself by accident or something. Guess that explains why his scent is on everything."
Kakashi sighed and went back to figuring out what things would blow up next. "Ignore his scent, tell me if you find a different smell."
Pakkun snuffled his way around the place carefully, though he did make a rather odd, bemused snort at the smell that had been pounded into the wall.
"It should be a recent smell, and Iruka hasn't been here since yesterday morning."
"Nu-uh." Pakkun sniffed again. "He's scents too fresh."
"What is it on?"
"Everything." It was too, even thought the oldest scent was a week old, the rest of them were layers over each other. Placing times got more difficult when Pakkun factored in the fact that the strongest spikes of smell were tainted with chemicals that indicated arousal and perspiration, not the ones that were newest. But Pakkun was good at what Kakashi used him for.
"Can you check under the bed?"
Pakkun snorted suddenly. "No. It reeks of him in there… and you… and I wouldn't be able to pick out anything. Can't tell you anything about the couch either…" He paused… and muttered. "Or the wall."
"I seem to remember a certain Rottweiler incident-"
Pakkun gave him a rather blank glare that seemed to speak of poo-filled sandals and well-chewed books. He took another sniff. "Spurty little thing, your bush-headed mate."
Kakashi started to idly roll up some loose papers into an ominous cone.
"Not that kinda of spurt." Pakkun grumbled, scratching his ear. "Meant musk-wise. Emotional thing. Thought you hated pets."
"You're either being crude or telling me I have a mate that reeks… And I do hate pets."
"Ahh, so you admit he's your mate? Good, 'cause he's got that weird smell lovers get."
"And what is- no, never mind. I don't want to know." Kakashi had asked Pakkun to describe a smell once and had been forced to resort to buying the damn mutt a steak to shut him up.
"And he's pissed off. And in a good mood. Kinda creepy combo."
"The top layer of smell. He's got a few different chemical signals pouring off him, but they’re all very strong." Pakkun yawned. "And fresh. Treat?"
Kakashi managed to produce an only slightly crumbly biscuit from somewhere in his vest (because you never know when you'll need to feed a summon, and it's the best way to make them leave). He tossed it expertly into Pakkun's mouth. "No trace of anyone else?"
"There's residue." Pakkun said after a long time chewing. "There's traces of your team. And traces of some of the Konoha brats, but it's all transferred off of you and your mate. Not enough for them to have actually been here."
Kakashi frowned and nodded, poking the toaster. It seemed to have a small chunk of wax inside it. A hollow chunk of wax… Kakashi chose not to think about what might ooze out of the thing if the heat was turned on and tossed the whole think into the out pile.
Pakkun snorted at it. "Skunk."
"It's filled with skunk?"
"Yeah.. They did a good job packaging it in there. It's very faint. Didn't even notice it till you moved it." Pakkun looked around. "I'm surprised they didn't T.P. the place while they were at it. Can I go now?"
"That would have been easy to get rid of." Kakashi grumbled. "For a while."
And with a soft pop Pakkun made his exit.
Kakashi gathered the things he knew were safe until his vest and pocket were as fully-loaded as they got before a typical mission. The sliver of extra space in one pocket he stuffed with cash, as he apparently was going to need to go to a hot spring to soak off the colors. First though, he had to find Iruka.
Because it had to be Iruka. And while that was confusing, Pakkun had never lied to him and the odds of him starting over Iruka was insane. Kakashi pulled up his mask one last time, ran a hand over his shock of hair as if hoping it would hide the pink for a moment. He left through the window, taking a out of sight path to Iruka’s. Hope no one sees me. Being called 'Kakashi the pink-pony nin' might be the thing that drives me to homicidal massacre.
Iruka saw (the laughably pink) Kakashi emerge through a pair of high powered binoculars from a well shaded area very far away. He put them down as soon as it was established where Kakashi was heading, then he sat down and laughed. Hard. For about fifteen minutes.
Rigging the apartment had been… fun. Probably too fun. The plumbing had been a little tricky to do but-
Pink. His head looked like cotton candy…
"Mwahahahahaha!" Iruka fell onto his side and started laughing again. If Kakashi was pink he had probably been distracted in the shower, and if he was distracted it was probably due to the industrial strength itching powder Iruka had slid into the bed.
Historical-nin fact- the type of power Iruka used is normally used in teaspoon amounts to stimulate painful (but not suspiciously so) rashes across the subjects body. People like, say, guards, who are suddenly distracted by this itch and don't notice you a-slip by, or stab them repeatedly in the neck… it's just nasty enough you have to be Genin or higher to buy it, and chuunin or higher to buy it in bulk.
Iruka used about five cups. Good thing it washes off easily.
End historical-nin fact.
Iruka shouldered his duffel bag (having no intention of going home again, he'd packed well) and walked off. There was some desolate woods to the south, and today was Friday. Friiiiiiday. That meant he could be GONE for a bit. Just a day… Maybe two. It's not like he'd find someone new that- Iruka scowled. Shut up brain, no one asked you! We're mad at him! Iruka tilted his head. But he has suuuch nice hands. And he's warm and feel nice and- Iruka mentally glared at himself.
And he gave porn to minors.
Fiiine. Can we cave and jump him after his summons and lecture?
Maybe Sunday night. Maybe…
Iruka sighed. Just setting up all the traps had made him feel SO much better (yanking off the can labels had been FUN…) that he was almost regretting it.
But only a little.
He snickered at the idea of Kakashi the Barbie-nin and vanished into the undergrowth, hands clasping into seals as he walked.
Kakashi re-read the letter for the tenth time… and realized he was still lost..
It went like this-
I am so very, very, mad.
The incident was reported.
You are to go to debriefing room 104 tomorrow at 9am SHARP (I suggest you get there no later than eleven or they'll sentence you)
I hope they flog you. Not allot… Just a little.
Fuck I'm mad… You bastard- shit like this could get me
fired you bastard-
And why the fuck did you use 'boyfriend'?
P.S.- There are fifteen possible colors you could be by now. I hope you're pink!
-Sincerely, Iruka.
Kakashi blinked. Again. Debriefing? Flogged? Iruka wanted to see him flogged? And why the hell am I in trouble? What did I dooo- can't believe that little prick dyed me PINK… ARGH… I need to ask what I did. But, whatever I did, he's pretty mad. Maybe I should wait till he- FLOGGED? I don't want to BE flogged! What did I do that's worth being FLOGGED? The Heiwa thing? Teaching it to Naruto and Sasuke? Hey, they’re my damn students; unless they raped someone other than each other, I shouldn't get more than, at the most, a possible angry note. There's this huge CLAUSE for 'unique' training methods once they hit Genin, short of ME sleeping with either of them I should be safe.
Besides… If word of that got out, I'd hear Sasuke fangirls crying in the streets, right?
Kakashi looked around the apartment rather half-heartedly. I'm in the doghouse and I don't know why. And he must have taken my shirt- dammit..
Kakashi poked the couch a little to make sure it wasn't rigged, and sat down. The beginnings of a first rate headache was starting to bubble up. I have to find him, I suppose. That's the closest to a plan I can think of. Gaah. He's been enraged past the point of decent grammar. At least, I think it's ungrammatical to use bastard twice in a sentence.
Kakashi’s head whipped up, he could hear someone outside the door. The footsteps, height, motions were right-
He's HERE! Good, I want to get this over NOW- He got to his feet, blurring as he went behind the door. It opened, and Iruka side-stepped in, hair down. His dark eyes went wide when Kakashi grabbed him, kicking the door shut behind him and physically pinning Iruka to a wall-
Iruka made a meek noise, wriggling but not putting forth more than a token effort to break free.
"Okay- why?" Kakashi growled.
"Why what?" Iruka said, eyes still wide. His expression shifted suddenly, almost a smirk. "Heh. Pink."
"It's not funny! I didn't DO anything-" Kakashi protested, leaning against him. With Iruka being pinned by his body, it left his hands free. Kakashi brought one of those free hands up to tangle in Iruka’s hair, both satisfying a need to touch that mess and giving him a good hand hold. "Talk to me, Ruru-" He was close enough now that his breath was on his captive’s neck.
"You're not forgiven-"
Kakashi could hear the start of a crack in Iruka’s voice, the crack got worse as Kakashi brought his other hands up to touch at Iruka’s neck. "Ruru-" He purred it, using that tone of voice that had worked so damn well the night before.
"You- knew you'd do this-" Iruka whimpered.
"But what did I do?" Kakashi cooed, leaning in, meaning to nuzzle at Iruka’s neck when he stopped. Pulling his head back, he realized that the clone (because it had to be a clone, because it had NO ODOR, no smell to it at all) knew it was caught and grinned, a sharp, nearly evil grin.
"You're an unrepentant bastard, and in this case you're NOT getting off that easily." The clone bampfted out- leaving Kakashi staring at a wall and a slip of paper falling to the ground. He caught it automatically.
Hope you didn't sprain anything important.- (this was followed by small doodle of a face sticking out it's tongue)
"… well fuck…"
Sakura had a large cup of coffee balanced on her knees. She was starting to grow into the taste of it, at least she'd gotten better at taking it without sugar (sugar wasn't on her list of good diet foods). This particular flavor was heavy on the cinnamon and cloves, and just smelled good and safe as she sat at the bridge.
It was nearly one now, she hadn't expected her teacher to be on time, even though he'd told her to be there at midnight. Tonight though, she couldn't even bother working up a rage at him for his shameful tardiness. After all, he had warned her to be ready. That was polite, she was fairly certain his methods for waking up the boys involved icy, icy cold water and buckets.
The idea of a Kakashi-clone bucket brigade was kinda funny, after all. She smiled into her cup and took another small sip. It kept her warm too, this was apparently the first official frost of the season, and as such she had thick, furry boots on and a jacket she'd been glad still fit when she'd dug it out of the mothballs. Sure, it was a sort of out of style thing, but it was so very warm Like having a large bear hug you.
She took another sniff of her cup. Mmm. Cinnamon clove strawberry- meh? Berry? She lifted her head, and for what had to have been the very first time, saw her teacher drop out of what could have been nowhere to perch on the railing across from her.
Even in the murky lights of the bridge Kakashi looked. Wrong…
"Sensei- are you-"
He gave her a look at suggested she shut the hell up, and she did. The look faded at once, blurring back into his normal 'I've just woken up, give me a moment' expression.
She coughed quietly and tried again, this time not getting cut off. "Sasuke and Naruto are on their way?"
"As soon as they finish their other missions." Kakashi said. Apparently the farmer had read them the riot act about the hog incident and flat out bullied them into chasing down all the freed chickens. "There were complications."
"Ah." Sakura took a sip, then offered the cup automatically. "Would you like some?"
Kakashi shook his head, starting to read his book. He was right under the wobbly-looking light post (all light posts in nin-villages are built to fall over fast, in the event a hyper nin-child barrels into it. Actually, a lot of stuff in Konoha is built with the concept that it should be easy to replace, as most walls are cheaper than childcare) and his pink state was rather, obvious.
"I heard that the Academy kids got out early today." She said, a meek attempt at a conversation. To her amazement it seemed to get his attention for a moment. "I was wondering if you knew why?" He lost interest immediately, nose back in the book and she sighed. "How many times have you read that thing?"
"This is the first time."
"That's not possible…" Sakura said, sweat dropping. "You've been reading that same book for over a year now. Probably longer."
"No, I'd been using the same slip-cover for more than ten years." Kakashi said, eye curving slightly at sharing an inside-joke. He held the book up and tugged at the bright orange cover, revealing a dark green book with silver writing on it. 'Revenge of the Hermaphrodite Love Toads!'' "Never assume."
Sakura blinked. "You just swap covers?"
"This cover’s very durable." Kakashi said, tilting his head. She was fairly sure he was smiling. "It's got a few jutsu built into it now, also, to keep my books water proof. Besides, it keeps people from making unflattering assumptions."
"What's more unflattering than having everyone think you read PORN? That book can't be anything but porn either, for that matter!"
"Romance novels, books on pet care, gardening manuals, tour guides." Kakashi shrugged. "A genius like me can't possibly be caught studying like a normal person, so I've copied scrolls into blank journals before, then put a slip cover on them."
Sakura took a moment to decide if that was a statement of pure and total conceit or just honesty. Probably honesty. Inner Sakura grumbled. "Oh." I still think you're a pervert.
"I recommend it. People are much less likely to ask to see what you're reading if they think it will label them a pervert like you." Kakashi added, with a tone that had a sudden hint of conspiracy to it- "Try it sometime."
You didn't have much of a social life did you? Inner Sakura grumbled. "Only if I get your old journals."
Kakashi thought about that for a second. "I'd have to go through them-" He sounded thoughtful now, standing and gesturing that she should start following. He headed towards the woods, occasionally reaching out a (pink!) hand and leaving a clear and deliberate trail for the boys to follow. "They were journals, after all. I wouldn't want you to confuse the notes on the jutsu with mission notes."
"Oh." Sakura looked at the ground. Strawberries. She could actually smell the strawberries again. "Sensei-"
The silence actually butted in. She blinked and decided it had to be some form of teaching jutsu because Iruka had done it to them as well.
She suddenly reached out and flicking a leaf, adding to their trail. Sakura wasn't sure if it was even possible to read in this light, but he seemed to be trying.
Sakura sighed. It was going to be a long night.
If it had been a long night for Sakura, and even longer for Sasuke and Naruto (whom stank of pig), it was abysmally long for Kakashi. Sakura might have been able to tell when Kakashi didn't want to talk about something, but Naruto had let his jaw drop, eyes bug out, and before Kakashi could glare silence into him had shot off at least ten questions about the color alone. Then he had started to speculate. Kakashi had ignored him right up to the part where Naruto wondered (out loud) if perhaps his sensei was a drag queen in his spare-
Sasuke (who'd been smirking quietly to himself) had to wince at the noise Naruto’s head made when it was pile-driven into the springing forest floor. Even Sakura (whom thought Naruto had earned it) had a sympathy attack and helped his pry himself out.
"Gooouuuhhhh-" Naruto made a weird noise, eyes out of focus.
"Sensei-" Sakura started. "He looks really-"
"He'll be fine."
Sakura had to blink, as the sentiment had been echoed from both in the tree over her head (the Kakashi way of sulking) and behind her shoulder from Sasuke.
She looked at Sasuke (as I said, Kakashi is sulking in a tree) and Sasuke shrugged back. "He will be. His heads pretty durable."
It's interesting… How much less I care what he thinks… Sakura thought. Inner Sakura blew a raspberry at him. Angsty pretty-boy weirdo!
Sasuke blinked. That was the weirdest looks he'd ever given him- oh. Yeah. The cat.. He turned pink, just a the slightest twinge, and turned to go back to his task (stealing honey from bees a chunk at a time, it was tricky to not get stung).
Naruto snickered. "Blushing! You're gonna turn as pink as Kakashi-sensei- OW!"
Sasuke had kicked him. Naruto rolled and stood up. "Hey!"
"Shut up, dobe!"
"Make me, pinky- HA! You're turning pinker!" Naruto was running now, but that was fairly smart as the beet-red Sasuke was going through the hand seals necessary to BLAST his dobe's ass into charcoal. "GAH!"
Kakashi eyed them, figuring they'd break it up themselves right after getting to the 'wrestle in the cold, wet, semi icy mud puddle’ stage if only to avoid making out in front of Sakura. He figured that if THAT happened he'd hear Sakura screaming. He went back to his book. Hmmm…I can do that… And after what he did to my apartment, my morals seem to think that doing that to someone in their sleep is permissible. Now if I could only FIND him..
There was a sudden presence near him, leaning over his shoulder. He wondered why it hadn't triggered anything sooner but, apparently, his brain now deemed Iruka 'safe' and didn't see fit to warn him- stupid brain.
"Mm. I can do that." Iruka said, leaning around the tree trunk to look at the page.
"You're another damn clone."
"Maybe." He nuzzled at Kakashi ear. "You haven't bamphed me yet."
"Bamphing you isn't the first thing on my list." Kakashi grumbled, going deeper into his book. Iruka leaned closer and started reading out loud, in a low tone in Kakashi’s ear.
"-She trembled as the effect of the love toad started to sink in, melting into her friend’s arms. Nothis grinned, knowing that her soon-to-be agreeable friend was famous for the use of her tongue, something Nothis intended fully to explore-" Iruka paused. "Boring. Oh, what's on that page? 'Coming-to with the taste of Nothis' nether lips still on her tongue, Yesthis growled and pinned Nothis into the rough underbrush. Because, after all, fair is fair, she reasoned, reaching out and grabbing a large root of a suggestively phallic shape-' oh dear I hope she peeled the bark off that… The chafing would hurt." Iruka (whom had the proper smell this time, strong and piercing and going straight through his mask) paused, scanning down. "Oh, she didn't." His arm had crept around, settling on Kakashi’s thigh. Rather high.
Dead fish, cold mud, that last crappy mission where you had to toss their three week old bloated bodies to their dogs after dragging them out from under the hay you had to hide them under- oh good that's working. Kakashi kept reading. "I refuse to talk to a clone; go back and tell Iruka I want to talk to him."
The clone (because by this stage Kakashi had peeked under the edge of his hitai-ate, along his nose to make sure he was dealing with a fake) pouted very, very cutely.
Dammit… umm, think of the one dead guy that popped, and how BADLY he stunk. And the fat in that bastards' stomach had rotted and the fats sunk into the clothes of his shoes and pants, and it barely came out, you BURNED those pants… "Go. Away."
"I'm supposed to make sure you're alright, you know. He felt bad about the chemical castration darts in the freezer."
"The what- Gah!" Iruka had managed to get his hand high enough to squeeze gently.
"It's temporary- and you don't seem to have been hit-" Iruka rubbed.
The first time you sprained your ankle, having to explain to Nenani-san how you'd sprained your dick, Nenani in a swim suit- why is that not working? Dammit- Kakashi shifted a little. Being sick, being hurt, finding your father- no dammit I'm not going DOWN this mental path! Suddenly mad, he lashed out his arm, knocking the clone out of the tree.
It landed on Sakura and bamphed.
"Gaahhh-" She wailed, holding her head and sitting back up.
Kakashi was nearly hyperventilating, but as soon as he heard her, he sucked in a breath and dropped down. "Are you alright?"
"What was that?"
Kakashi helped her up and sighed. "A lover’s quarrel over flowing."
"Is that why you're pink?" She asked, distractedly pulling a leaf out of her hair.
"Mm." He said in affirmation, with a shrug. By now the sun was high in the sky, nearing noon. "I have somewhere to be-" He said, suddenly recalling.
"Oh- okay-" She stopped because he'd simply left. Great
Long. Ass. Day.
Love is half emotion, half chemical dependency. You find a person you have romantic thoughts about, and it's purely emotion, and then, at some point, you're addicted to them. Things about them, thinking about them, produces a chemical reaction. The addiction usually comes after being in contact with them for a while (not always sex, sometimes simply working with them)
But this chemical romance means you look at this person, you think of this person, chemicals are generated, and bam, you've gotten a hit. A kiss is another hit. Make out and you've got your love drug buzzing in your head and heart along with all the other hormones and things that heavy petting can cause.
Sometimes all it takes is a familiar smell. Smell is powerfully linked to memory, after all, and a smell that makes you think of your loved one is almost the same as that.
This is why Iruka is currently in a very good mood. He thinks it's just because Kakashi’s shirt was softer in that day old way, a little longer. He thinks it's that it feels like a older shirt, more broken in, soft. He'd admit he likes the way it smells, but he's not thinking of it as a hit.
In fact, if you'd ask him, he'd justify wearing Kakashi’s sweaty shirt with logic. He was avoiding Kakashi, after all, and the man could summon DOGS… So he'd scrubbed down in the river (cold! cold! cold!) doused himself with a bucket worth of high powered chemical, well, it was basically deodorant though, like the itching powder but more complicated than that. The end result is that he wasn't currently generating any scent beyond a very, very faint chemical smell.
I've gotten off track. He's scrubbed in the river, doused himself in deodorant, and covered that faint chemical smell with what Pakkun would dub 'that smell the boss guy makes when he's horny, that I really wish I didn't recognize'. The fact this smell is giving him the warm-and-fuzzies he's chalking up to the fact he just felt his clone get bumped.
I suppose no one ever told Iruka about love, sex and chemical dependency as it related to subterfuge and sabotage. Love and war and all that jazz.
The room was desolate when he got there. Ebisu was all but asleep, leaning on his hand, half-heartedly doodling in the margins of some form or another.
"Oy, sorry I'm late, I was-"
"I don't actually care, Kakashi-san." Ebisu looked up, shaking his head till the sleep went away. "We already decided your punishment, you have ten minutes to justify your actions or you'll-" He paused here to look at a sheet of paper under his elbow. "Ah, okay, you'll get a mark on your record, be unable to go within fifty yards of the school, and get ten lashes also- wait." He looked back up. "I'm sorry, are you pink?"
Kakashi scratched his head. "Plumbing problem."
"Uh. Huh."
"What - exactly - did I do yesterday?"
"What do you mean, what did you do?" Ebisu sounded tired and looked at the ceiling. Kakashi’s head looked neon if the light hit it right and it hurt his eyes, even with his dark shades... "You gave pornographic materials to under age children, you infringed on the territory of a fellow educator, and you quite possibly gave Iruka-sensei some form of brain trauma because I had to take his report this morning and just talking about you made him kick a waste basket into the wall."
Kakashi eyed said wastebasket. Like the desk, it was forcibly imbedded into the wall. "What sort of pornographic material am I accused of giving to minors?"
"Lingerie catalogues. And apparently one volume of soft-core bondage photos." Ebisu rapped the table. "Iruka-sensei would have been well within his rights to demand a personal restraining order against you, it's not as if your little spat with him before the chuunin exams went unnoticed."
"Ahh. There's a problem there, you see." Kakashi said, ignoring the last half of that. "I don't own anything pornographic in nature with pictures. Just books. Most don’t have illustrations beyond pen sketches."
"Can you prove this?"
Kakashi thought about that. "I have receipts…" He offered finally.
"For every pornographic book you've ever purchased?"
"No. Just since I was ten. I use them as tax write-offs." He was referring to all of his non-jutsu books.
"You what?" Ebisu blinked. It was hard to tell he blinked, but he did. Really.
"I was audited for it and informed them it was cheaper than therapy." Most nin pay very little taxes due to write-offs like equipment upkeep, medical bills, and the therapy required to go out, kill a mess of people, come home and be human, then go out and do it again. When they'd (the feared accountant-nin of Konoha headquarters, that is) considered that fixing Kakashi’s head was probably going to be several thousand dollars annually as opposed to maybe a grand a year in reading materials…. They'd shut up, on the condition he kept track of the exact amount.
The amount he spent of leisure books was usually exactly (to the penny, even) the same as what he owed on taxes. When you added in equipment upkeep he usually got a big return.
Hey, the genius has to do something with itself when it's not out killing people!
"And even if I did have a large, private collection of pornographic images, I wouldn't share them." Kakashi said. "I deny the charges."
Ebisu sighed, his headache getting worse. "You're suggesting Iruka made this up?"
"No. I'm suggesting he's mistaken." Kakashi said, coming close enough to look at the reports. "It says he didn't see me, just heard it from his students?"
"You're suggesting they made it up?"
"Or they're mistaken." Kakashi shrugged. "Either way."
Ebisu sighed. He'd looked through enough of Kakashi’s files to know that while the man might have some bizarre justifications for what he did, he didn't flat out lie about it. Often.
"Alright, I'll put you've requested a formal inquiry to locate other potential suspects. Don't suppose you've pissed anyone off lately?"
Kakashi shrugged, thinking about it. "Possibly."
"I wouldn't want to tarnish his reputation if I'm wrong." Kakashi said neutrally. Or give the little bastard the heads up of an inquiry.
Ebisu paused, rather guessing what the unspoken part of that thought had been. "You realize if you have a solid lead you'll be asked to report it to clear your own name. You're still the one taking the blame, right now."
Kakashi shrugged. "Once I know, I'll tell you." After the revenge thing.
Again, Ebisu knew what the rest of that sentence would have been. "Alright. Don't kill them."
"I'm not that upset." Kakashi said. What he meant was, 'I'm not at that level of being upset.', meaning that he was, in fact, at a level of upset. Right now he was at the 'we don't really need the last Uchida to be capable of spawning without medical assistance, do we?' stage.
To be fair, he intended to double check that it was indeed Sasuke’s fault before separating him from his testicles.
Then he'd find Iruka and explain. Once Iruka had apologized (and he would, Kakashi was quite certain he'd be abysmally upset to know he'd wrongfully punished someone)-
Anyway, once Iruka apologized (and some time after Kakashi had his wicked way with him) he could focus on hurting Sasuke. All he had to do was find Iruka.
Easy, right?