Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Side Effects: heiwa no Jutsu ❯ Numb Nuts the Wonder Cat ( Chapter 17 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
Chapter sixteen: Cats, Dates, and Blue condoms.

Edited By Chibi Risu-Chan


Naruto had been late and flustered. This would have been a lot more annoying if Sakura hadn't been distracted by the fact he had an open (leather) jacket over a fishnet shirt. And white pants. She hadn't even known Naruto owned white pants. Or a leather jacket.
"I didn't know what type you'd like so I got a few different ones." Naruto said, apologizing as he set down the bowls. "We have miso, pork miso, beef bone, vegetable, seafood, and regular." He focused on the food as he flicked the blanket thing out with one hand.
Well, he obviously thinks it's a date. Sakura had to agree with her inner counterpart on that one, as she took a seat and was offered a bowl. "Thank you."
"Unless you want another type?" Naruto looked for all the world like if he'd picked the wrong bowl it would be dumped on his head.
"Hmm." Sakura tried it, keeping an eye on Naruto, then frowned. Naruto nearly slunk off right then except she started to giggle. "It's fine, sit down-"
Naruto exhaled (he hadn't realized he'd been holding it in) and sat. "
She echoed it automatically and took another bite, before commenting. "Nice jacket."
"Thanks." Naruto grinned broadly. "Iruka gave it to me."
"He bought you a leather jacket?" Sakura tilted her head. Seems unlike him-
"No, he gave it to me! It was just in his closet or something."
Sakura blinked. "It was?"
"Yeah- I guess. I went to talk to him before- Ummm. Yeah he gave it to me." Naruto decided not to confess that he'd panicked madly and gracefully transferred a full half of his bowl into his mouth.
It looked like a hand me down, now that Sakura looked at it, but as a general rule leather jackets cannot be made 'un-cool' with such trivial details of ownership. Besides, Inner Sakura was stuck on the fishnet. "Is it your shirt or did Iruka pull that out of his closet too?"
Naruto looked down. "It was Iruka’s." I guess this is what it feels like to have second hand clothes-
"Looks nice," she said, soothing him. He looked a little upset, like he thought he'd done something wrong. Not that she had to lie, it was a fine mesh netting that highlighted what it touched and shaded what it didn't, emphasizing muscle tone. Rwar. Sakura ignored herself. "Just, never seen you wearing nets, is all."
"I have a few shirts with net sleeves," he said.
"Doesn't count when it's under that jacket," Sakura said. "It's just odd. I've never seen Iruka wear anything but standard issue stuff."
"I don't know where he pulled this from either, really he just produced it," Naruto said. "I mean, he told me once that after his parents died he acted out a lot, but I didn't think it was more than being class clown."
"Class clowns wear leather?" Sakura shrugged. "Maybe a he stayed a punk. Wonder why he decided to teach."
"Maybe he just wanted to," Naruto said. "Maybe it just took a while because he didn't have an Iruka-type to look out for him. What book are you reading now?" She didn't have it out now, but the titles kept changing.
"It's an art book."
"Really? Like what? Art's kinda a broad term."
"Post-modern linear art with nods to neo-classic anatomical exaggeration."
"That sounds, interesting?"
"Some of the pieces are pretty complex," Sakura said. "But it's mostly about lines." He'd probably be allot more interested if you just TOLD him you were reading dirty Manga. Well, until he found out half of it was two boys.
"Oh," Naruto was really trying to care. "Lines?"
"Lines," She confirmed, then laughed. "You really don't care, do you?"
"Well, you seem to think it's interesting-" He said, scratching his head. "Sounds snooty to me."
"Well, art is supposed to be about expression and emotion telling a story. Why does it get classified farther than that?"
"I don't know. They just do."
"It's silly, why can't they just say 'this is a picture of a horse' and let whoever's looking at it decide if they like it?"
"What if it's not a horse?"
"Then the artist needs to learn to draw," Naruto shrugged. "Or they can claim it's symbolic- or something. Art is art is art." He finished the first bowl and picked up a second, feeling a little more relaxed. "Right?"
"I suppose, but if you're going to study art you need sharper definitions than that." Sakura said.
"Why do you need to study art? Can't you just appreciate it?"
"If you wanted to be an artist yourself, you'd have to know what made the things you like the things you like though, right?"
"Yeah, but do you really need a book to tell you that?" Naruto asked.
"Not really. I never said it was an interesting book. I need a new one," Sakura said, reasoning she'd never said it was an un-interesting book. "I didn't know you were into art."
"I'm not, really, I mean, I like it, but aside from things that they make cheap prints of, it's not like I can buy anything, really," He paused. "Well, I could, but I'd be short on the rent or food, or something. Besides, cheap prints hide the walls better."
"Why would they hide the walls better?"
"You can get a bunch and wallpaper the place, you can over lap them, you don't feel bad about just stapling it up without a frame," Naruto said, nodding.
"Why don't you paint the walls?"
Naruto shrugged. "Thought I was suppose to cover them with blankets?"
Sakura thought about it. "Okay, we'll nail up blankets, and then well go find some sheets to put on top. Then you can paint them, or just get nice sheets."
"You want to help?"
"Well, it was my idea, I guess I should."
Naruto thought of the pile of dirty clothes all the hell over the place. "Tomorrow, right?"
"Sure," Sakura noted that Naruto had managed to make the rest of the ramen disappear during this talk, so she handed him the box of squid.
"Thank you- " He bit into the first one, grinning. They were still nice and warm, sauce not to heavy. He swallowed and looked up at the sky. "Told you it was a barbecue day."
"I didn't disagree." Sakura pointed out, tearing violently into hers while he was looking up, swallowing, and then taking a smaller nibble when he looked back down at her. "We aren’t going to have too many more days where this would be fun though. It'll be too cold."
"The tile roofs stay warmer longer, even in winter." Naruto said, chewing thoughtfully. "So long as the sun’s out. If you want to do this again." He stopped suddenly. "I mean- um- you- If you wanted to. At some point.-" crap crap crap.
She let him go on for another few minutes before sticking the largest roasted squid she had into his mouth. It seemed to work shutting him up. "How about you just buy food tomorrow when we're fixing your apartment."
"Okay!" Hey, it wasn't a no, right? That was sorta, a second date, right? Or, it was, if this was a date. Was this a date- Narutos brain rattled in his head like so many pumpkin seeds, stray cells bumping and sending out new sparks. And she smiled at me. “I think I have money--“ He started to pat at his pockets, trying to rember if he’d stuck his wallet into his new jacket.
“You don’t need to buy it NOW.”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to have to stop shopping to go get more money if-“ He pulled out the frog, and a few things happened.
First, more than the frog came out of his pocket. The first thing was the wad of money. There was a heavy steel looking money clip holding what had to be five months pay on d and c ranked missions. (this is the same as two months pay c rank, one months pay b, and about three days A or S rank. Roughly.). That was interesting enough but-
“Gyah! Those aren’t mine!” Naruto yelled, moving away from them and flushing deep red. “I- they were in the pocket- I didn’t bring them I-“
Sakura carefully picked up the end of the string of condoms, still foil wrapped. She blushed pretty violently herself. Hey, at least they’re ribbed. Inner Sakura tried, then passed out. “Umm, they expired three years ago, Naruto. I know their not yours.”
“They’re blue,” He said miserably, horrified. “They were just in the- oh god that means he has SEX.” He buried his face in his hands and wadded up a little. Now, now, don’t laugh at him; what was your first reaction to finding out your parents did things to each other to produce you? Yeah, I thought so.
Sakura managed not to let her suddenly revived inner self speak up. “Well, not lately, or with these.” She discreetly tore off the two opened packets and pocketed them. “See? None of them have been used. Maybe he was just being hopeful?”
“I don’t want to look through the rest of the pockets-“ Naruto didn’t look up. “And stop waving them at meee!”
Sakura shrugged and tossed them into the designated trash bag they’d been putting their squid sticks in. Then she picked up the money. “Are you going to return this?”
Naruto peeked. “That’s for therapy now, thank you.” He grumbled.
“Oh, just tell him you found them, look hurt and see how much ramen he’ll give you.” Sakura said, shaking her head. “In the mean time, since he forgot about this- ask if you can use it to redecorate your place.”
Naruto realized, that this point, that Sakura was getting better at manipulations. And thought about it. Yes, it was a little underhanded, but having a pocket full of condoms was a potentially date (if it was a date) ruining thing that was worth at least three meals. “Hmm. Okay- but- still-“ he shook his head, trying not to think about it. “I wonder if he got over his girl problem.”
“His what?”
“His- well, last Saturday he was all depressed and, stuff. Acting weird. I asked if it was a girl and he sorta didn’t want to talk about it. You showed up and got him before I could find out more.”
Sakura thought about Iruka’s mood that morning as she’d hauled him off to the hospital. She supposed heart ache was a legitimate, rather perceptive conclusion to come to.
“But he looked happier today when I saw him, I was distracted but he didn’t seem sad. So I figured he just got back together or got over it.” Naruto frowned. “She must have been a real bitch to him to upset him like that. I hope he dumped her.”
Sakura laughed. She tried not to, god how she tried not to, but oh well.
“What?” Naruto patted her back in semi-gentle thumps as she nearly toppled over. Against him. He flushed as she grabbed his jacket and spasmed through her giggles. “Um..” He patted her shoulder with one hand.
“Just- heh-heh- it’s just-“ Sakura’s inner voice was wildly creative with zinging insults and she ignored it, dissolving back into giggles. “It’s funny-”
“Him dumping someone? He gets mad, you know. Just cause he’s nice doesn’t mean he never gets mad.” Naruto stopped trying to pet her into sanity and let his arm rest nearly around her shoulder instead. He leaned on his other hand to support them and tried very hard not to do something stupid like sniff her hair. He could smell it fine from here anyway, something clean-ish. Green-tea and some sort of citrus. Lime, maybe, or grapefruit. But mostly green-tea.
Sasuke smelled like layered leaves and dried, dead flowers. And bloody sweat, stained deep into his skin, hair, everything. Like a stain on his olfactory patterns.
Naruto noted they were interesting contrasts and moved on, inhaling through his mouth so he’d stop thinking about smells.
“Are you done now?” He asked finally as her shoulders stopped shaking.
“I- I think so-“ She giggled one last time and sat up, rubbing her eyes. “Yeah- yeah okay I’m- I’ll stop laughing now.”
“Uh huh.” Naruto decided he’d rather liked her weight on that arm.
Sakura managed not to laugh at Naruto once through the rest of that picnic, though occasionally Naruto’s flustered actions made her want to. They finished eating their half melty mochi, the soft gluten splitting and letting green ice cream cover her fingers, and started packing up slowly. They stopped talking for that part, more than the standard ‘hey, hand me the-‘ and so forth until they each had their bundles under their arms.
“So I’ll see you tomorrow.” Sakura pushed her hair back and grinned.
“Yeah, and after that you want to do me-my- the apartment thing with the nailing and blankets and. Stuff.” Naruto flushed and tried to regain his cool.
Sakura had to snicker. Damn, my teacher made me a pervert. I should hit him for that but it’s funny! Inner Sakura was sniggering too, but took time to point out that Naruto needed to be mollified again. “Okay, it’s a date.”
Magic word.
“D-date?” Naruto blinked then grinned. “Okay! Okay, it’s a dat-e um- but-“
Sakura was already starting to walk away. Don’t laugh at him, it’s cute.. Mmpph! He look like a puppy! Her shoulders were almost shaking from that.
“Wait! Then, what was this?” Naruto asked, having to yell it.
Dating foreplay! Inner Sakura supplied.
There was a thump. Sakura turned around to see Naruto had tried to attack the ground with his face, and realized with a jolt she’d said that bit out loud. She had to laugh then, though she mentally cursed her inner voice, and headed home. She had all night to study those journals, after all. Or at least brush up on her shorthand.

Iruk a looked up from his book and yawned before going to the door. Kakashi had taken off less than twenty minutes ago on what they’d dubbed ‘Brat control’ to ensure Sasuke was no less than uncomfortable, preferably panicky, the whole week. He opened the door and looked at Naruto, grinning. “So, did the underwear help?”
“I have a REAL date tomorrow! But I need to do laundry, can I borrow some soap?”
“Sure, sure, come on in. How’s the jacket feel? Does it still fit?”
Naruto gave him a sudden belligerent look. “Yes.”
Iruka paused. “I’m sorry, did I do-“
“You didn’t clean out the pockets.” Naruto said, making an odd face that involved air in his cheeks. Not enough to look like a chipmunk, just a sort of quite puff.
“There was something in the pockets?” Iruka looked confused. “I didn’t even wear that on missions- the only thing I ever kept in it was-“
Iruka went to black and white temporarily. A small cloud formed above his head and he turned blue.
Naruto felt sorry for him. He nearly looked like he was going to cry, for ramens sake. “What’s the matter sensei? It was just money.” He pulled out the money clip. “Kinda of a cool thing, really, the clip.”
“Oh- it- Oh! Okay! Yes! That was where that went! Yep, kinda- umm, you can keep that, I don’t care. That was all that was in the- of course it was, not that I ever- um- you need soap right?” Iruka look relieved and laughed, high-pitched and slightly nervous, before going to fetch the soap in question. “Do you need anything else? If you bring a few loads here I can wash those for you-“
“Okay, because I need to clean my place too.” Naruto looked at the money. “You sure you don’t want this- It’s gotta be like-“
“I’ve seen your place- just bring all the laundry, okay?” Iruka pretended blithely he hadn’t heard Naruto’s question. “Bring what you need for tomorrow first.”
Naruto nodded, perfectly aware that if Iruka wasn’t feeling so relieved for his ‘dodged’ bullet he’d never have gotten the offer (Iruka was nice, but Iruka believed in washing one’s own clothes). “Okay, thanks for the help earlier again, Sensei-“ He waved and left, running to see how much of the piles he could stuff into a duffel bag.
Iruka said down and exhaled. Oh thank god the condoms weren’t still in there- I should check his pockets when he comes back. He flexed his fingers. Naruto used to be lousy at pick pocketing, hope he hasn’t improved toooo much… Crap,, what else did I used to stick in the pockets aside from phone numbers? Umm, let’s see- aside from the lollies- He thought about that a second. Okay, I only ever got the white ones, those were safe, so if I still have a few of those from Night county…No, wait I shouldn’t those got confiscated- okay, good, okay, safe then…
Iruka stood up and started to sort his laundry. Might as well do it all together.
The laundry was brought with all due pomp and circumstance. True, Iruka looked a little bewildered by how a boy that wore orange almost religiously still had ten loads of stuff, but he didn’t comment. After all, he’d managed to produce god-awful loads on anyone who lost a bet involving Iruka not having to do chores. Naruto helped sort a little but ended off looking at the clock and splitting, yelling something about how the futon store closed at six and he had to get there fast.
Iruka sighed and started grading the piled of completed work the substitute had dropped off, reminding himself he had to get at least three of the assignments fully graded so he knew what to yell at his class about.
It was nearly eleven before he smiled, sitting up and tilting his head at the presence. “Hey.”
“Hey- “ Kakashi slunk his arms around Iruka’s shoulder and leaned forward, peering at the sheets. “This was two days worth of work? That you had laying around?”
“Mm. Yeah.” Iruka set the pen down and reached a hand up to fluff Kakashi hair. It felt cool. “Cold out there?” He hadn’t even felt a draft when Kakashi had slipped in.
‘Getting there.”
“Are you hungry? Or would you like some- Oh! Hey!” He cut off as Kakashi scooped him up. “Um. Hello.”
Kakashi carried him to the couch then sat down, nuzzling at his neck. “Amuse me?”
“With what?” Iruka grinned and nuzzled back.
“I don’t know. If I knew I could amuse myself.” Kakashi pulled down his mask and started to nip at Iruka’s earlobe. “Did I miss anything?”
“Naruto’s date thing went well, if you care.” Iruka shivered a little and Kakashi started to nuzzles his collars bone through the shirt.
“I care. I prefer to know more about their little dramas than they do, makes it easier to stay out. Did he get a second date?”
“He got a real first date, does that count?”
Kakashi had to agree that was better than getting slapped and went back to his merry snuggling. Iruka shifted to get comfortable and returned the favor, kissing hair and letting his fingers touch neck.
“How do you feel?”
Kakashi knew what he meant. “Not that well. The miserable old harpy is sticking by her choice too.” He lifted his head and kissed him, holding it for a few moments. “Sorry.”
“Mm, I just wanted to know if I was allowed to grope you yet.” Iruka nipped his lower lip. “I’ll just have to wait.”
Kakashi nipped back and they slunk back to cuddling until the dryer buzzed and Iruka had to rotate loads. Kakashi laughed and helped in folding, discreetly grabbing what had to be Sasuke’s shirt and hiding it in his vest. Iruka declared a final load and once that was done (nearly midnight) they resumed just enjoying each other, stripping to sweat pants and tangling up.
Not everything in a relationship is flash and pizzazz.


v. cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats v. tr.
1.To deceive by trickery; swindle:
cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases.
2.To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land.
3.To mislead; fool: illusions that cheat the eye.
4.To elude; escape: cheat death.

Fucking worthless dictionary.
Naruto grumbled, trying again.

adj 1: not faithful to a spouse or lover; "adulterous husbands and wives"; "a two-timing boyfriend" [syn: adulterous, cheating(a), two-timing(a)] 2: violating accepted standards or rules; "a dirty fighter"; "used foul means to gain power"; "a nasty unsporting serve"; "fined for unsportsmanlike behavior" [syn: cheating(a), dirty, foul, unsporting, unsportsmanlike] n : a deception for profit to yourself [syn: cheat]
Also worthless.
Naruto grumbled, giving up and going back to sweeping, making room for the thirty something futons and comforters. Back to sweeping, back to thinking.
He had a pretty basic thought process going on here-
Does having a date count as cheating on your fuck-buddy (fuck-buddy, sometimes friend, rival, opponent, seme, uke, person who could get responses out of him by breathing different.), and if not, at what point is having a fuck buddy cheating on your date?
Because even as cocky as Naruto was, he’d have three days, tops, before they compared notes and it was important to him, his survival, and various bits of his anatomy, that he have a firm ground to argue from. Firm ground under a rock somewhere, preferably.
And he loved Sakura. Okay, fine, he was only fifteen (nearly) and he was pretty sure that it was probably true, that under twenty is really just puppy love, but she was just so damn smart and cute and frigging gorgeous when she was mad- and dammit it might just be hormones but talking to her turned his brain to goo.
Sasuke, however- Naruto paused and rubbed a spot on the wall caused by the Uchiha’s sweaty shoulders. He had to go get a towel and try to wipe the place down- it was grimy. Not horridly so, but then, he was a boy, and had the understanding that boys are usually dirtier than girls and therefore had to clean up more before meeting the other gender.
The fact that this cleaning was also to erase any possible traces of the smex was just a bonus. Sasuke had been coming here the last week, mumbling something about possible traps at his home. Whatever that was about. Sasuke had been mumbling around a full mouth and as a result Naruto had been flawlessly distracted.
Though if you were to ask Sasuke about that he’d say distracting his dobe was not that hard.
Naruto stopped and pushed the whole huge pile of padded things to the other side of the room, vacuuming under it. Normally this would get him yelled at after ten, but since the neighbors were doing their barn-sex thing- Naruto stacked all the padding against that wall and grinned. Whatdya know- this and ear plugs and I might not have such fucked up dreams! That happy thought alone was enough for him to tackle the stove, oven, microwave, and clean out the fridge. He thought about buying food, but since the only place open this late was the unmentionables store, and since that place only had energy bars (not counting all the things that were technically edible, like underwear, frostings, jellies and other… things..), it wasn’t really worth the trip.
It was nearly two when he was ‘done’. He’d had to make sure to get up early enough to run to Iruka to snag his clothes back. And possibly give him the third degree about whatever his bitch-ex-girlfriend had done to him. He was always more cheerful in the mornings, maybe he’d spill more.
He looked at the now startlingly clean place and sighed. He still didn’t have any better idea what the hell he was going to do, and now he was vaguely concerned about Sasuke. Yeah, the jerk could take care of himself but he’d said he’d been planning on coming over. And he never had. Naruto sighed and made a list of things to do when he woke up.
1.get clothes. Harass Iruka.
2.Locate Sasuke.
3.Buy food if stores are open before having to go wait for Kakashi
The note got stuck on the wall over the back of the toilet, where he’d see it first thing in the morning. Then he plopped onto his bed, staring at the ceiling and smelling the lemons and the vinegar coming off of everything (at least it smelled clean). He then set up his coffee maker to produce a sort of black tar into a cup of sugar. The resulting goo could be used as both rocket fuel, spackle, engine grease and caffeine chew. Normally he preferred to just have an hour’s sleep, but, ah well. Maybe he’d nap while waiting for Kakashi.
Maybe I should just tell Sakura. Pfft. Right. ‘Hey, I really, really like you but I’ve been banging angst-boy. Just so you know.’ Yeah, right I’d have better luck talking to Sasuke first. At least he’s intent on keeping this thing all quiet. Jerk thinks alleys are too visible. Urgh, but I’d feel guilty NOT telling Sakura ever… Grah. After tomorrows date I’ll think of something, we’ll see how that goes. At least I’d get dates with Sakura, sha sha. I could make a chart- maybe- tomorrow-
He feel asleep and had a very weird dream with a man in a chicken suit at a black board drawing pictures of zucchinis to explain the meaning of life as it related to chapstick. He chose not to read any deeper into it than that.


Iruka woke up from getting poked. Okay, well, a poke is close to a jab, and this was rather a prod. Technically a sustained pressure on his leg caused by the groin of the man draped lazily across him. Anyway you describe it Iruka was woken up by it. Most of the way, at least, his eyes drifted open a sliver, enough to see the filtered light from the shuttered window and know it was maybe five. A lazy glance to the clock confirmed this. He rocked a little, and Kakashi shivered in his sleep.
Kakashi was on him, head nearly in the crook of his neck, in a relaxed sprawl. If he tilted his head just right he could see his face. He looked, content. Serene is to calm a word to describe a non-comatose Shinobi, because of how alert they are as they sleep, but content and relaxed were close. And if Iruka moved the leg being poked just a bit, those wonderful lips parted a little on intake, showing a gleam of enamel.
Well, parts of him are felling better. Iruka brushed his thumb across Kakashi lip and smiled faintly as one eye slide open, not really focusing on anything more than an inch or five away. “Morning.” Iruka kept his voice very low, knowing Kakashi would hear it more as a rumble from the chest than anything else.
“Mm.” Kakashi hummed a hello, trying to resist the urge to grinding into that friendly leg. “Early.” He shut his eyes and turned into Iruka’s neck a little.
“You got up first.” Iruka said lazily, letting his thumb move from lips to brush his jaw.
“Pervert.” Kakashi shuddered as Iruka stopped moving. “You running?”
“In a bit.” Iruka wriggled the fingers on his other hand. He seemed to have lost a little feeling in it, but that was okay. He brought that hand up to loop at Kakashi’s waist. “S’warm. Breakfast?”
Kakashi thought about that. “Maybe dinner.”
“Mm. Okay. Want food now then?” Iruka’s response was Kakashi’s grip on him tightening. “Sleep?”
“Mm..” Kakashi drowsed off and took Iruka with him, planning to wake around six, as Iruka would probably want to run and get to school early.
But in the comfortable midst of this nap they both woke up from the presence at the door for the apartment, accompanied by a quiet, polite rapping. Followed by a barely audible Naruto muttering something about running at ungodly times and then the thud of the boy presumably sitting down against the wall to wait.
Followed by snores. Iruka stared at the ceiling. “I could leave him out there.” He said out loud, softly. “He probably came for his laundry- why is he even up?”
“Because he had to get you before you went to class.” Kakashi said.
“Urgh. I don’t want to move just yet.” Iruka looked at the clock. Five thirty. “Besides, you’re comfortable too, right? Why should I move you.”
“I could henge.”
“Into what?”
Kakashi sat up lazily and formed the seals without opening his eyes. There was the normal bamph of a transformation and the now-
The now-
Iruka blinked as the now semi chesty female curled back against him. The fluffy hair was now longer, nearly to the shoulders. The scar and eyes were masked with illusions now, the skin was tinted to look more tan. Any other scars had been erased. Iruka blinked a moment, and poked at ‘her’.
“What- needs bigger boobs?”
“I will have a hard enough time explaining just you, Kakashi.” Iruka said, though he looked amused. “How hard will it be to explain you after he sees this?” Kakashi laughed, but it sounded more like a titter and Iruka had to shut his eyes and try not to chortle.
“So you will tell him?” Kakashi sat up again without changing back, stretching.
“Yes. The physics of your boobs are wrong.”
“Are not.” It was almost a whine. Kakashi female voice was weird. Well crafted, but it was still weird.
“Are too. You’ve got them too perky for that size.” Iruka said authoritatively, making himself get up. “And your pants are going to fall off.”
Kakashi looked at the low slung sweats. “That’s not the point?”
“Change outta that.” Iruka told him, going to the door. “Or at least change into something semi decent.” He decided not to remember that if motivated Kakashi could probably make a cardboard box indecent. Oh well, so could he (if motivated).
“Morning Sensei- were you sleeping?”
“Not really. About to get ready, go running. You want your clothes?”
“Sure.” Naruto spotted what looked rather like a faint hickey on Iruka’s neck and glanced at the bedroom door while the man started to put the piles into bags. “So how’s your girlfriend?”
“The girl you were all depressed about.”
“I wasn’t depressed over girl trouble.” Iruka rolled his eyes. “DO you want breakfast?”
“Yes please!” Naruto took a small step towards the bedroom while Iruka went to the cupboards, looking for food-things. He heard movement in there… He’d swear to it. Three, two, one- “Ha!” He lunged and pushed open the door, then frowned.
“Gah! What are you doing?” Iruka nearly dropped the egg but saved it.
“Oh, I thought I heard someone in here but it’s just some cat. I didn’t know you had a cat.”
“It’s new.” Iruka said, eyeing the sleek, somehow arrogant creature that prowled out of his bedroom. Naruto knelt to pet it’s head and it sat down, looking regal. “Its name is Numbnuts.” He added in a monotone.
The cat tilted its head at Iruka as if to ask the same question. He could almost SEE Kakashi inside, mouthing ‘Numbnuts?’ at him mournfully.
“It’s a very pretty pussycat.” Naruto scratched behind its ears and its eyes glazed over. “Friendly.”
“He likes having his belly rubbed.”
“Does he come when you call him?”
“Occasionally. Come here Numbnuts.” If he was grinning a little impishly when he said that, only the cat noticed. In a manner that implied that he was ONLY leaping up to the counter because it was on his way, the cat came to him. “Good pussy.” Iruka scratched under Kakashi’s currently fuzzy jaw then scooped him up. And nearly dropped him.
He might look and feel like a slightly large cat, but he WEIGHED his normal hundred and fifty pounds. Iruka managed, somehow, to make carrying him look normal and sat on the couch. The now very smug looking creature started walking in tiny circles on his lap, downright smirking at him.
“He’s cute.” Naruto sat next to them, petting the ‘cat’ again. “You needed a pet.”
“I did?”
“Yeah, you’ll probably do better with it that you did with whatever girl you won’t fess up about.” Kakashi meowed and Naruto nodded. “See, Numbnuts agrees. Where did you get him?”
“He’s just been hanging around. He’s a well behaved pussy, I suppose I’ll keep him.” Kakashi started to knead his little paws into Iruka thigh, inching higher a little at a time. “I might have to get him neutered…” The tiny paws suddenly had tiny CLAWS. Iruka didn’t flinch. “Or declawed.” The tiny claws went away and Kakashi laid his kitty head down on his paws, the very image of an adorable pet. Iruka petted at him absently and “Numbnuts’ rolled to his back for a belly rub while Naruto gathered up the rest of the clothes. “What do you want for breakfast? Eggs?”
“I’ll make em. He looks too comfortable to move.”
It was true, he did. Heavy, but comfortable. And rather humorous stretched out like that, cat arms in all directions while his tail lashed slowly. “All right.”
“Want some?”
“No, I’m fine.” The tip of a pink tongue stuck out of the ‘cats’ mouth and Iruka smiled. “Take whatever you want.” After a minute the cat had curled back up, going to sleep looking smug. Iruka smoothed the fur and returned attention to Naruto. “What’s the date today?”
“She’s going to help me put up some things to keep the place warmer.”
“Did the landlord not fix the heat again? I told you to tell me about it if that happened again-“ Iruka looked mad, suddenly.
“Neh-neh, it’s okay Sensei.” Naruto said. “I haven’t had the electric cut out in a month, so it’s okay.”
“If it goes another day-“
“I’ll tell you if he hasn’t gotten it fixed in a week, okay?” Naruto started doing something aggressive to the eggs. Beating them into omelet form, maybe.
Kakashi started purring in his sleep. Iruka sighed and nodded. “Okay. You should just file against him.”
“Hard enough getting a place as it is.” Naruto grumped. “I can wait till I’m sixteen and don’t need to ask you to co-sign.” The cat’s ears perked a little.
“I prefer co-signing to some of the places you used to live.” Iruka rubbed the ear till the sleeping cat was the picture of feline bliss. Its purr almost reverberated, and if Kakashi was about a hundred pounds lighter in that shape Iruka would have picked it up and cuddled with it madly. He was tempted to do so anyway, doubly so when one paw curled up over its face.
Naruto wolfed down his eggs so fast he earned a glare from Iruka. “Sorry. I gotta get to the store before that tardy bas- um, our sensei shows up. Is supposed to show up.” He scowled.
“You know you really shouldn’t insult your teachers, especially the shinobi ones. You never know where they might be.” Iruka rubbed Kakashi’s belly in a scratch.
“I don’t care where he is as long as that tardy bastard remembers to show up today.”
Iruka stopped rubbing. “Did your class get canceled yesterday?”
“No, he didn’t show up.” Naruto huffed a little, frowning. “So we sat around for eight hours next to the river talking about wants, ramen and clouds.”
Iruka stopped petting him too. Kakashi came out of his bliss coma and lolled his head to look at Iruka. And managed to look sheepish for a cat, as he was being glared at. “Meow?” The large eyes (mismatch blued steel and red… ) made themselves as BIG and INNOCENT as they could get. After a few minutes he slowly lower his head, looking at his paws and mewling quietly to himself.
“Want me to talk to him?”
“No, he’ll just be a prat about it and claim it’s good practice to know how to amuse yourself.”
The cat looked up and meowed in agreement, nodding.
“Did your cat just agree with me?”
“He’s got a brain defect.”
The cat bristled a little at that and hopped down regally, slinking over to rub at Naruto’s ankles, meowing loudly.
“Aww, look, you hurt Numbnut’s feelings.” Naruto said, leaning over at scratching at the base of his ears. The cat started to purr loudly in bliss. Iruka scowled at him.
Scratch slut. He bitched to himself. “He likes it rough, you can scratch harder.”
“Meow?” The cat opened one eye and gave Iruka a withering blank look. They he rolled to his back and batted at Naruto’s hand and purred invitingly. Iruka fairly bristled, though he looked calm on the surface.
“Hey kitty, kitty. Why’d you piss off Iruka-sensei, huh? You should go suck up till you get a better name-“ Naruto started rubbing at the soft belly fur until the left hind paw was spazzing in time. “Aww,. You’re a sweet cat.”
Iruka tried very hard not to think about the fact cats have their nipples in rows on their bellies, and that Naruto was probably touching quite a few of them. He also tried not to think about the fact even if Kakashi had transformed with his pants, he was still half naked. Instead he focused on the fact that kicking Kakashi right now would one, break his foot, and two, quite possibly make Naruto think he was blazing mad.
The fact that Kakashi was making happy little cat noises wasn’t helping. Belly slut.
Naruto left, eventually, but not until Kakashi was boneless on the floor and Iruka was ready to beat them BOTH with a stick.
“Okay, have a good day!” He waved, faking cheerful normalcy. As soon as Naruto was out of sigh, he whirled, growling. “You! You- you belly slut!!!”
Kakashi stretched out, going back to normal with a puff, still sprawled out on the ground. “Belly slut? Well, the boy’s got good han- ooofff-”
Iruka had half tackled, half fallen on him, lips crushing against lips. Kakashi’s eyes widened a bit, and then he relaxed, grabbing at Iruka so they didn’t come unjoined as he sat up. Kakashi had to push to make Iruka stop, get their lips apart, and then slid his arms around the slightly trembling man.
“I’m sorry.” Kakashi murmured it, understanding.
“I, just,-“ Iruka let himself be kissed.
“I know. Mine. Right?” Kakashi felt Iruka sigh against him, relaxing.
Kakashi stroked his shoulder softly. “I’m yours. I’m sorry. I only meant to tease.” He brushed his fingers though Iruka’s hair. “My Ruru, only you, I promise.” He kissed at Iruka’s ear softly until the man was soft and pliable in his hands. “Mm, good to know you’re the jealous type.”
“You aren’t?” Iruka mumbled, kissing at Kakashi’s neck softly.
“I’m protective.” Kakashi said evenly. “That’s all.”
“And greedy. They go hand in hand.”
“Do they now?” Iruka brought his hands forward, touching his fingers down Kakashi’s belly. “Then I’ll be greedy and protective. My belly.” His lips twitched suddenly and he reached out, digging in the couch.
“Should I ask?”
“I always lose them in- ah- here.” Iruka produced a red marker. “Lean back.”
Kakashi smiled halfway and complied. “Revenge for the tan?”
“Yeep.” Iruka said, doodling out the words ‘Property of Iruka. Mine.’ in red. “It’ll wash off. Eventually.” He grinned and looped the warning in a what was either a poorly drawn heart or a rejected oval. As an afterthough he added a few arrows pointing various places. Below the already low slung waistband, up to the nipples, the ribs, one that went around his side to point at his bum. All little arrows with the note ‘this too’ and ‘also Iruka’s’. With hearts and squiggles. Kakashi started to laugh halfway throught, and Iruka had to join in. Didn’t stop him from finishing before capping the pen and tossing it away before Kakashi could get it and return the favor. “There, better.”
“It’s an attack squid…” Kakashi quietly surveyed the mess, then caught Iruka to him again, skin to skin, nuzzling and kissing him breathless again. Iruka cooed against him, writhed a little and let Kakashi lay him down, press against him, devour his neck.
“You- ah- didn’t want breakfast.” Iruka pointed out, though it didn’t stop his hands from sliding down Kakashi’s back, rubbing and kneading into the lean flesh.
“Like hell I don’t- I just can’t have it right now-“ Kakashi grumbled. “That feels good.” He kissed Iruka’s ear. “Keep touching me- you’ll have to go in a moment anyway.” Iruka shivered and complied, fingers digging into neck and shoulders. “Ahh, thank you.”
“You going to make it to your class on time?” Iruka murmured, nose to nose. Kakashi’s eyes slid shut, leaned into Iruka’s neck.
“Are you going to make it to your class at all?”
“Yes, but I’ll be late. Naruto and Sakura can talk for a while.” Kakashi caught his lips again, one last time, and he sat up, moved away. Iruka sat up, smiling. “I’ll be reasonably on time? If you promise not to call me numbnuts anymore.”
“Alright. Fair enough. No numbnuts. Or pussy.”
“Or pussy.” Kakashi grinned. “And I demand more bellyrubs.”
“I’ll rub whatever you ask me to.”
Iruka gave him a look. “Yes. But only ‘cause I trust you.”
Kakashi smiled back, a sly, subdued grin and slunk away, standing, going inside Iruka’s room, getting dressed. Iruka slunk after him, dressing as well.
There was that brief moment of unbalance, turning around and seeing Kakashi fully dressed, ready, when two minutes ago he’d been sprawled on the floor, looking like the margins of a child’s homework- Iruka paused and moved forward, putting a soft kiss on the cloth, a smooth embrace.
“I’ll go find you tonight, alright?”
“Mm. Take out dinner.” Kakashi teased.
Iruka tilted his head. “Yeah, maybe,” He said, smiling through his lashes as he looked up. “Have the stomach for it?”
“Stomach’s not broken,” Kakashi murmured ruefully. They walked out together, and split outside the door. Iruka was still hoping to run for a bit before coming back, grabbing everything, and running like hell to class.
And Kakashi? Well, he figured he was a few weeks behind in his normal task of telling the dead what was up. Most of last week, while he was pink, his updates to Yondaime, Obito and the others had consisted of guttural snarls and a large amount of bellyaching that probably would have amused the hell out of the fourth, at the very least. Least now he had some good news.


“I could have taken off to Mist County,” Sasuke said, reasonably, in a calm tone. He laced his hands behind his head. “I’m a Uchiha. Rare, rare bloodlimit. I’m a dedicated fighter. I’m fast. I’m prime shinobi meat, dammit.”
He sighed.
“Okay, so I suck at practical jokes. Not good at gauging emotional reactions. Fine. I’ll be the back up muscle on undercover crap instead.” He paused. “Yes, I’d be good at that. One person distracts- I could slip in, grab things, run like hell, beat the shit out of whoever.”
Soft grunts.
“Oh, like you know,” Sasuke grumbled.
“Anyway, man. Mist County. Yeah, it’s cold and damp and so forth but- hell, they’ll take like, any reject. I could have made jonin in a week. Maybe get some sort of love-slave signing deal. Or something. Yeah, yeah, it’s standard to bring some rare artifact or scroll, but hey, sharingan! I could promise to knock up a buncha chicks.”
Sasuke sighed and tugged on his leg. Nope still stuck. “But instead, I’m ankle deep in a trap I can’t get the hell out of, laying on a bed of sugar, waiting for the ants to come.”
“I coulda gone to mist.”
“And instead, I’m talking to a fucking squirrel.”
“….that’s been humping my arm for the last hour….”
Squeak squeak squeak.”
“Just fucking shoot me NOW.”

~fin chpt~