Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ The Ikari Doctrine ❯ The Teeny Weenie ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. A company named Gainax does. If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

A/N: This one probably won't be that funny. I gotta start like a bond or something between them for the sync training. Read it anyway.

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Part 4 / The Teeny Weenie

:"Come out Asuka, everybody's gone now." Misato yelled through Asuka's door.

"What about Shinji?"

"Shinji lives here Asuka, of course he's still here."

"Well then I'm not coming out!"

"You'll have to sleep together for your sync training Asuka, which I might add isn't going very well."

"I would rather the angel win and me be damned to hell than sleep in the same vicinity as that baka!"

"Well then I'll pair him up with Rei. I'm sure she'd be able to beat the angel."

And now she opens her door and reluctantly agrees.

The door slides open to reveal a very funny but yet angry looking Asuka.

"I would rather sleep with this baka than have wonder girl have a ones ups on me!"

What kind of logic is that?

Shinji decides to jump in the conversation at this point.

"So let me get this straight, you would rather be damned to hell than sleep in a room with me, but yet you would sleep in a room with me to beat Rei out of a chance to pilot your eva against an angel."

"Of course, dumb ass!"

"Do you even listen to yourself when you speak?"

"NO, now shut up and get ready to sleep!"

Misato, not interested in the least by the squabble, decided to take her leave.

"Look children, I'm going to my room, only disturb me if the building catches on fire."

The children heads both followed Misato's body across the room to the fridge, where she abducted a six pack, and then back across to her room.

"Now look third chi…"

Asuka watched Shinji's face go from its' normal innocent face to one more accurately characterized by evil.

"What?"

"I'm just glad you had a shower before you came out, after all you did have quite a lot of "Pam" on you."

"Explain yourself, what is "Pam"?"

"You mean you've never heard of it?" He asked with a psuedo shocked expression.

"You must not cook."

Asuka sneered.

"It's a no-stick cooking spray, you know that means, it's reeaal slippery."

"What does that have to do wit….."

Asuka's deadpanned as realization took hold of her.

Oh I love being evil….. I wonder if dad likes being evil?

"I'm going to kill you, you know that don't you?" Asuka stated in a voice much too calmly, but it phased Shinji only for a second.

Shinji started to pace around Asuka, circling her like she was some kind of prey.

"Let's go over the facts Asuka, you know, just to put things into perspective."

"This morning I retaliated against your initial attacks, then after that you "tried" to retaliate against me this morning at school, and I use the word tried because by tomorrow the damage you did will be cleaned up and you'll be the one that comes out looking bad, I made you look even worse in front of your best friend, your archenemy, the stooges, and your new guardian. Think about it, your best friend now questions your hygiene, oh that's just rich don't ya think? And I didn't even count on Misato's aid, what with the French man's face it just made my retaliation all the sweeter….. You don't have a problem with the description of the days' events so far do you?"

"No, that all seems about right." Asuka absently stated.

There's a knife in the kitchen, I'll kill him while he sleeps. Then I'll put the knife in Misato's hand and claim innocence.

"Whatever leverage you had on me is completely gone aside from killing me in my sleep, but that's just cowardly, don't you agree?"

Damn, he's got a point.

"Yes, it would be cowardly." Asuka admitted, her head now pointed at the ground.

She almost looks like a child getting scolded for stealing a cookie. This is great!

"Now why don't you just say what the doctrine asks you to say and end all this nonsense?"

At that Asuka seemed to regain her fire, which prompted Shinji to stop his pacing.

"Now listen here third child" she said while making an advance on him.

"Asuka!"

She poked him in the chest.

"Langley!"

She poked him again.

"Soryu!"

The next poke was more like a punch as it knocked him back onto his futon. She glared down at him a moment before she continued.

"does not give up! As a matter of fact, I would rather die trying than give up!"

God I lover her!

"Well, we've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow... (especially you)... might as well get some sleep." Shinji said while laying back on his futon.

What?!

"This conversation is not over BAKA!" Asuka waved her hands around frantically as if referring to the conversation that was looming over them.

"I didn't say it was, we can pick it up some time tomorrow." He waved his hand in the direction she waved hers. "It'll still be there in the morning so let's just get some sleep now and I promise we'll talk about it tomorrow."

Asuka still loomed over him, eyeing him wearily.

What the hell does he have up his sleeve!?! This shit is driving me crazy!!

Shinji resisted the urge to laugh at the redheaded French man as she eyed him like he was about to jump up and tackle her.

"O.K. but no funny business tonight, agreed?"

"Agreed"

"Good. I hope you have horrible dreams." Asuka huffed out as she lay down.

"Good night Asuka, and don't worry I will."

Asuka turned her body away from Shinji as a show of confidence.

I wonder what he meant by that. Does he have bad dreams like I do? Dreams of his mama? Maybe I'll ask him sometime……

That was the last thought the second child had as she drifted into a rare restful sleep.

Shinji lay there staring up at the ceiling pondering the girl lying next to him.

I wonder when I figured it out. I know I love her, well I like her a lot anyway. Not till just now did I realize it though. Hell, today is the best day I've had in eleven years. I feel good around her, sure she's crazy, stuck up, and mean as hell, but there's something there, like she's been through the same kind of bullshit life that I've been through and this is just her way of dealing with the pain…..

To bad I'm gonna have to break her ass down tomorrow though.

At this thought Shinji grinned up at the ceiling.

Maybe if she breaks down tomorrow she'll open up to me…. yeah there's a snowball's chance in hell that's going to happen.

Shinji closed his eyes and began to think of how funny it would be to see his dad throwing snowballs. With disturbing thoughts like these he fell into a deep sleep.

Permanent marker and superglue, that's what Asuka had in her evil claws 2 hours after Shinji had drifted off to sleep. She had slept a while too, good sleep actually, but then thoughts of Shinji slipped into her dreams, and in the natural order of succession came thoughts of revenge. She went back to the kitchen to put the marker and glue up when another idea struck her, but it would have to wait till just before he woke up. She laid back down on her futon facing Shinji so that she might view her greatest revenge to date.

I like him better this way, backbone and all. He's not that bad really, no Kaji, but still not that bad. He's probably already made up his mind about me though. Bitch, stuck up, hateful, and demoness. All very accurate descriptions of me really, probably labeled all of those in his mind, if not more. It's okay though, I don't need him and he'll find that out when he wakes up. Asuka Langley Soryu can take care of herself!

These thoughts continued on until her final act of revenge for the morning was scheduled.

Asuka was kneeled down in front of Shinji watching his peaceful form as he slept

He looks kinda cute…. Too BAAAD!

She brought her finger down to his nose and flicked it.

Shinji was reliving the first angel attack yet again, his mind still registering the pain from the angel's mighty spike. Shinji watched in horror as the angel stopped banging the spike against his eva's head and… began to flick his nose?

That's not right.

Owww!

Shinji swatted at whatever the intruder was that would dare interrupt his first great battle.

Wet. Cold. Mushy.

Shinji blinked open his eyes finding Asuka's lovely French face staring back at him.

"Gotcha! Ya hentai baka!!"

Bitch! Shinji sneered at the thought.

He licked his lips to find the minty taste of toothpaste greet his taste buds.

Could be worse.

Shinji then tried to move his other arm, the one without the toothpaste all over it, and the action only resulted in him moving his head to the side.

What the hell?!

He wiggled his body up to a sitting position and looked around till he found Misato with a beer tilted to her lips; apparently she was in mid sip.

"Why didn't you stop this Misato!!!?"

"Hey don't blame me!! The deed was done when I got here. Lighten up, it really is funny!"

"You think it's funny huh?"

"As long as it's not happening to me."

Damn! My list keeps getting bigger and bigger. I'll chalk it up to indirect involvement.

"Shit!!" Shinji exclaimed as he tried to rip his hand from his head for the second time.

Asuka stopped her giggling and decided to actively participate in the conversation.

"Just go wash the smurffishness off your face and get ready for school baka."

"Yeah, yeah." Shinji got up and muttered curses under his breath directed at his two roommates.

Asuka watched Shinji walk towards the bathroom, admiring her handiwork.

That is the funniest thing I've ever seen. She thought as she observed the great third child try to knock his hand from his face resulting in him spinning in circles.

Shinji walked into the bathroom and reached for the faucet with his "good hand." He fumbled with it a bit before he decided that his fingers were also glued together.

"You glued my fingers together too?!!" He yelled after sticking his head out of the bathroom door.

"Of course you dumb ass, I was going for all out embarrassment not mild shock."

"Touché."

Shinji used his forearm to turn the water on and rubbed the toothpaste off until there were only small streaks of blue left. He then carried on his regular functions as best he could, using the bathroom was particularly difficult but he managed to get through it. You can imagine the rest of his chores didn't go smoothly either. He did notice though, when looking in the mirror, that his face had also become more "French" looking, except for the giant "Bert" like eyebrow she had masterfully drawn over and between his existing eyebrows.

Maybe I confused love with hate.

Once done in the bathroom he headed to his room as quickly as possible managing to only earn a few snickers from the witches at the kitchen table.

Okay, let's get dressed.

He realized quite quickly that assistance would be needed.

Misato or Asuka? Misato, no brainer.

"Misato could you come in here please?"

"Sure thing sweetie!" Misato replied, with too much of a predatory smile.

Well, I knew I was screwed either way, might as well get it with lube.

"Bring some scissors and duck tape too!"

"OHH!! I knew you were rough, but this is like a whole new Shinji!"

"Stop encouraging his hentai thoughts Misato, I have to live with him too ya know!" Asuka yelled at Misato.

"Oh but don't you find it hard to resist his charms Asuka?"

"Ha, he's got about as much charm as that rude little penguin!"

Pen pen, who had been in his fridge till now, stuck his head out and squawked.

Hey bitch, I got 10 pieces of penguin ass last week alone with this charm!

Back in Shinji's room he tried not to think of Misato totally nude with hands bound in duck tape, because he figured an erection would only add to the assault on his dignity. Of course tried doesn't necessarily mean succeeded.

Misato gathered the need supplies and headed for the young Ikari's room.

"Haha! We really need to put some meat on your bones babe, you look like a rail… and in more ways that one."

Great she sees it. That's either a good thing or bad since my shorts are off and I'm standing here in my freaking briefs!!!

"Can we just do this Misato!!?!"

"Well I didn't know you wanted to move this quickly, but it does appear that you're ready."

Fine! I can play too!!

"Well hop on and go for a ride baby, you know your just itching for it!" Shinji exclaimed with a feral grin.

Misato's mind went from playful to a state of total disarray.

"WHATT?!!!"

Asuka, fully dressed and rearing to go, interjected herself in the convo from her location at Shinji's door

"Told you he was a hentai baka, but no you just wouldn't listen would you?"

Misato stalked back to Shinji's door and slammed it in Asuka's face, apparently angry on having the tables turned on her teasing frenzy. She then turned back and growled out

"Let's get this over with."

"Fine by me SWEETIE!" Shinji shot back.

Misato dressed Shinji like he was just a yearling, putting on his socks for him and then aligning his pants with his feet so he could stand up and have them pulled up to the appropriate height. Maybe a little higher to induce both pain and pleasure for the two. Who got the pain and who got the pleasure I leave to you for deduction. She then took his inner and outer shirts, cutting them strait from his shirts' short sleeves to their collars.

She then slid the shirts on Shinji, duck taping the newly cut sleeves back together as she puts each shirt on him.

"Well, you look as handsome as ever."

"Thanks, that means a lot to me." The sarcasm was evident to say the least.

Shinji slid his door back with his one free but yet disabled hand. There he viewed the beautiful second child waiting patiently for him with a huge smile plastered on her face.

Suddenly her face doesn't seem that funny.

"Let's go Asuka." Shinji said while struggling with his school bag.

"What? No breakfast?" Asuka asked with a smirk.

"Let's GO ASUKA!!"

"Yes, let's!" Asuka said between her fits of giggling.

And with a swoosh of the door they were off.

"Geez! He didn't even thank me for feelin him up! Misato said, now frustrated to no end that her teasing abilities had been significantly diminished.

Shinji plopped himself down in his seat when he got in the classroom, when he had entered he received a mixture of amused and bewildered expressions, not to mention the 10 or so classmates still weeping in the floor. Asuka received some of the teasing too, but apparently the reaction he expected from her French Man's face was dwarfed by his own predicament. The walk to school sucked for Shinji due to the fact that Asuka decided to trip him and he conveniently forgot that his hand was glued to his face resulting in a scrape to the forehead.

I don't see what's so funny.

"Sooo, what's up Shin-man?" Kensuke ventured.

My God!! That is the funniest thing I have ever seen!!!

"Yeah man, something looks… off today." Toji quipped in.

Is it some kind of new trend, maybe I should try it.

Shinji sneered at the other two stooges.

They must want to go on the list too.

"No offense man" Kensuke added at his friends' evil expression "but something happened, right?"

Shinji shook his head, as he did he caught Rei staring at him in what appeared to be amusement.

So she does have a semblance of emotion, good it'll make getting her payback all the sweeter.

He turned back to his friends.

"I'll tell you about it later on, did you bring the camera?"

What Asuka did this morning just makes this all the easier on the conscious, not that it was ever hard.

"Got the camera and added in the camcorder for insurance."

"Good. Good." Shinji said while patting his chin, since he couldn't rub it, and smiling evilly.

His friends resisted the urge to laugh as his brow creased turning his uni-brow into a sharp V.

"During the class change before gym we need to rush to "The Spot"."

"What "SPOT"?" Toji asked

"Where we take pictures of the girls locker room dumb ass." Kensuke whispered to Toji before Shinji could say the exact same thing.

But why? Kensuke thought.

"We've already got pictures of all the girls Shin-man, so why take more?"

"We're going to get some pictures a little more…. revealing today, my friends."

The teacher came into the classroom as the stooges finished their conversation. After the normal routine Shinji did the only thing he could do till lunch. He propped his head up on his elbow.

BRINNG!

Shinji tried to roll his head off of his hand after his nap, but that only resulted in him slamming his head on his desk.

I'll have a damn concussion before the day is over with!!

He slowly blinked the sleep out of his eyes. He saw the end of Asuka's mane as she exited the classroom.

AAAND ACTION!

Shinji smiled as he got up from his seat, apparently his friends were too hungry to wait for him, no matter though, he wasn't going to sit with them today anyway.

He strolled out of the classroom and straight to the girls' side of the lunchroom, all the while mentally preparing himself for his longest speech ever. He passed Asuka and Hikari as he made his way to were the main population of "normal girls" sat, he only received a stuck out tongue from Asuka and a sheepish smile from Hikari.

Thank God there out of earshot today.

All of the girls' eyes were on Shinji as he approached the center of the group. What little whispering there was died when Shinji cleared his throat.

"Beautiful ladies of Tokyo-3 municipal junior high, allow me to steal just a moment of your time. I'm sure you all know me, Shinji Ikari pilot of the evangelion"

He paused to make sure all of the girls had comprehended that he was actually talking to them.

"and if you know me than I'm sure you know my lovely roommate the very stuck up Asuka Langley Soryu."

He received vigorous nods after that, whether they were agreeing with the snob part or just admitting they knew her he didn't know, but he had a good idea.

"By the looks on your faces I'm sure you like her even less than I."

Again vigorous nods.

Looks like I'm not the only one with the opinion.

"Just look what she did to my face, I would love nothing more than to live in piece at my own house but I can't even do that."

He jumped up on one of the benches then up to the table, where he began to pace the length of it slowly so all girls could see him.

All the girls giggled at his appearance.

"I'm sure you have heard by now that what she spoke of me yesterday was an outright lie. I pride myself on being a gentleman as most of you lovely ladies know."

He gave them a flashy smile and all heads nodded, but this time one of the girl's was forward enough to speak up.

"I knew you weren't like that Shinji, you're too sweeeet to do something like that!"

Good, Hikari did her part. That makes it even more believable.

"I am also a very forgiving person, I forgive Asuka for her lies and for what you can plainly see she did to me this morning, but there is one thing I cannot forgive, and that is that she has purposely deceived you all."

Questioning looks appeared on all the girls faces upon the announcement.

"Not only did she deceive you, but she tried to make you all feel inadequate when it was herself that was inadequate the whole time. In my opinion each one of you can be compared to the stars in the heavens."

As he was finishing his sentence he bent down and cupped one of the prettier girls' cheeks in his hand. She seemed to melt at his touch.

Hey!! This eva pilot thing might have its bonuses; she looks like a great one nighter!

He stood back up and resumed his pacing.

"Her deceit runs deep my friends, she goes to the locker room with you when in reality she shouldn't be there at all and uses the bathroom with you all as well. Why, you may ask, is this so deceitful? That is simple, Asuka Langley Soryu was born both a man and a woman."

Shinji watched the pretty faces of the schools female population contort into faces of absolute shock and horror; he also noticed that two of the girls would never hear the rest of his speech.

That's the reaction I was aiming for! Shinji thought with great satisfaction.

"Her mom and dad decided to raise her as woman instead of a man, but she still has the remnants of a penis."

Three more of the girls dismissed themselves from the speech as soon as the word "penis" left his mouth.

"You may ask how I know this. I walked in the bathroom yesterday evening to find one Asuka Langley Soryu" he said her name with no shortness of sarcasm. "using the bathroom standing up."

Anther girl's mind reached the breaking point.

Damn! At this rate there won't be any more girls left to carry out the rest of the plan.

That's right, she has what I like to call a "teeny weenie." Her breasts aren't real either, just how could they be so perfect you have asked, that's easy, they are silicone bra inserts. If you want proof just ask her today in the locker room, I'm sure you'll be just as shocked as I was."

All the girls nodded as Gendo Jr. hopped off the table.

After ensuring that the idea had sunk into there heads to ask her in the locker room he backed away from the crowd.

"Now ladies, I must take my leave, good day."

Oh the looks on their faces were priceless! Part A of the plan has been accomplished. Part B Asuka's pride. Now to wait for Gym class.

********************************************************* **************

"I wonder what Shinji was doing talking to all the girls at lunch."

"Probably trying to explain his stupid face and stupid arm glued to his stupid face."

"Maybe."

"Who cares anyway....? I can't wait till gym class, I can't stand these booooring lectures."

"I know what you mean."

The teacher walks in the classroom and Hikari brings the class to order.

The time passes quickly for Asuka, mainly because she was daydreaming about Kaji.

The class bell rings signaling the class change, Asuka watches as the three stooges run out of the classroom in record time.

Why the hell are they so excited? ..... Whatever.

"Let's go Hikari, I want to show the other girls how my figure is so much better than theirs."

"Sure Asuka." Hikari says brightly.

They both got up and proceeded to the girls' locker room to change.

When they got there though, they were met with giggles and whispers.

"What the hell's so funny!!?" Asuka shouted to the crowd of giggling girls.

One of the girls spoke up for the rest of them.

"Were afraid that we're going to need proof that you're really a girl Asuka."

"What do you mean really a girl? What else would I be?"

"We heard you had a teeny weenie!" one of the younger girls piped up from the back of the crowd.

"A WHAT!!!"

"Shinji said you were both male and female, so we're going to need proof."

"YOU BELIEVED THAT BAKA!!!?"

"He also said that your breasts weren't real, I'm afraid we're going to have to see for ourselves."

"Fine, but it's not my fault if you're jealous."

This will easily clear my name, baka Shinji wasted his time with this one.

Asuka jumped up on the bench and pulled up her shirt and then undid her bra.

She turned a circle for all the girls to see. Indeed it was an impressive sight to behold.

Asuka breasts weren't too large or too small and her nipples pointed towards the ceiling ever so slightly.

Asuka beamed at the reaction she got from her breasts.

And from girls at that. Their so jealous of my ample breasts and perfect nipp...

FLASH

What was that?

Asuka turns to look out the window at the flash, realization sank in after two more flashes.

FLASH

FLASH

"OH MY GOD!!! There taking pictures of me!!

The girls turned to look out the window as Asuka tried to put her bra back on and run from the camera at the same time.

"Did you see anything?" Hikari asked another girl

"No, did you?"

"Nope."

What's your game Shinji?

********************************************************* ***************

"Did you get it all?"

"Every inch of taught, firm...."

"SHUT UP!! Don't talk about her like that. Just tell me if you got it."

Kensuke now visibly shaken from Shinji's outburst answered the question.

"I got it sir."

"I...I'm sorry Kensuke, I didn't mean to snap."

"That's okay man, no offense taken."

"I think Ikari's in love with the she devil Kensuke! Toji exclaimed.

"AND WHAT IF I AM?" yelled Shinji.

Both of his friends backed up.

This Mo Fo is crazy!

"Just give me the memory cards and forget everything you saw. Got it!"

Kensuke made his exit, stage left, after handing over the memory cards.

Toji made one last comment "I can't blame you, that's one sweet ass!"

I concur.

********************************************************* ***************

Rei sat at a distance and observed the goings on around her.

It is better that he touches himself while looking at pictures anyway.

A/N: Not funny right? Well maybe the next chapter will tickle your fancy. Thanks for the reviews, especially when there are a lot better stories out there than mine.