Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Finding The Way Back ❯ Tadaima ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimers: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.

Author's Note: This story takes place after the end of the manga. It will follow the manga storyline so it will contain spoilers. The only change I made is that Kenshin didn't hand his sakabatou to Yahiko; he still has it (I don't think I could write a story where Kenshin doesn't have a sword :)).

*IMPORTANT*: This story completely disregards the existence of Seisouhen. It deals with Kenshin's constant wandering after he's married to Kaoru and my own opinion on how Kaoru would react to it and what it could cause to their marriage. It'll contain lots of angst and adult content so the rate might change. You've been warned.

This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Merith. Thanks for all the help! You're the best!

"..." indicates dialogues

'...' indicates thoughts

FINDING THE WAY BACK

Chapter One: Tadaima

"Sir Himura?" the hesitant voice invaded his peaceful thoughts. The call blurred the perfect image of his family his mind had created. Along with his dream, the soft sound of the ocean induced him into a slumber state. His imaginings were the closest he could get to his family, and even there he was disturbed, forced to abandon them. Keeping his head bowed, he slowly but regretfully half-opened his eyes, remaining where he sat on the ship's floor, legs bent, sword leaning on this shoulder.

"Sir…you asked to inform you…" this time Kenshin recognized the voice as being from one of the soldiers he had been fighting along with these last six months. The thought caused his eyes to close again. Six months… That was the time he had been away from home. Away from his wife and son. 'Kaoru…Kenji.' He wished the man would leave him alone so he could sink further in his guilt and pain for being separated from his family.

But the man didn't leave, he remained there stumbling for words, his form trembling before the man he had learned to respect. "…to inform you when we got close to Tokyo. We can see the city already, sir." The soldier said at once.

This time Kenshin's eyes snapped open, finally looking up at the officer, he couldn't help the smile lit up his face. Swiftly he rolled to his feet, blinking his eyes more than once he felt his heart pound in his chest as the image of Tokyo became more and more visible. 'Finally…'

Looking beyond the ocean, it seemed so close and he wondered briefly if he could see the dojo from that distance. Kenshin laughed inwardly at his own foolishness but felt his feet itching with the need to run to home. Too bad his god-like speed was useless in the middle of the sea.

He sighed. Looking at the town, he allowed his mind to drift and take him there, where he could watch them. His wife's laugh warming his heart, her smile bringing peace to his tortured soul. His son pulling his hair, sticking his tongue out at him. Yahiko complaining about the lack of skills of the new students, but always eager to teach what he has learned. He had found peace, home and people who loved him. And still he left them. Sometimes for days, weeks and even months. He would return home, let his heart and soul find some quietness, some happiness. But after awhile, he would wander again impelled by the guilt in his soul.

Anyone who didn't know of him, of his past, would simply take him for ungrateful or stupid. They would be wrong. He thanked the gods everyday for the new life he so unworthily had gained. He left in part in the never ending need to achieve atonement for the sins he carried. The leaving, the wandering was the price he paid for the crimes he felt he committed as a hitokiri.

Inadvertently, his mind took him back to the events that lead him to where he was, away from his family.

**~**~**~**~**

He watched them in silent from the doorframe, they were both laid on the futon. Kenji had his eyes closed, his breathing even and his head pillowed on his mother's shoulder, one hand clung to a strand of her dark hair. Kaoru was holding a book, her eyes fixed on the story she was reading to him. Noticing her son had drifted to sleep, she gently moved him away from her to not disturb him so she could get up

She was finishing covering him with a blanket when she noticed his presence, "Kaoru can we talk?" Kenshin whispered not wanting to wake his son. Kaoru, turning concerned eyes to his husband, motioned for him to wait for her outside.

He nodded his consent and left his son's bedroom. Walking outside the house, he sat on the porch, pondering on how he could tell her, how he could ease her. A couple of minutes later she came, sitting beside him. They stood there, watching the stars, the awkward silence an unusual presence among them. Noticing his hesitation, Kaoru held his hands on hers, encouraging him to talk.

He squeezed her hands gently, complying. "Koishii, I was asked today to help the government in dealing with a group of rebels." Kenshin paused trying to find the best words to explain, already looking for the best reasons to present her. In the end he went for the plain and simple truth. "They're very cruel, Kaoru, commanding a carnage they made no distinction on the people they're killing. Someone has to stop them." Kenshin said in a quiet voice, he didn't think right to ask for her understanding, instead he chose to ask for it with his eyes, feeling guilty for the decision had already been made by himself alone. He had agreed to go.

Sensing his faltering, his face darkened with sadness and guilt, his always present ghost, she already knew his answer. Conjugating all her will to ease him she smiled half-heartedly, "And you are the one to stop them, aren't you? It's alright, anata, I understand. It's just something you have to do, ne?" She said cupping his face with her hands. "When do you have to go?" she asked.

He felt his heart tightening, "Tomorrow" he replied quietly, already regretting his lack of thoughtfulness as her hands dropped from his face and her own clouded with sorrow. 'Stupid man! How come I'm always the one to bring her misery? It's been just a few months since the last time I wandered, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe…I should wait some more,' Kenshin pondered, his own will to stay making itself known.

"I'm sorry, Koishii. Sessha won't go." He offered, encircling her slim form with his arms.

'Sessha…? Oh Kenshin, I whish I could take this burden off your shoulders, this guilt that envelops you. I can't. But this, helping people, fighting in name of peace…this helps, doesn't it? So how can I…' Kaoru thought, holding back the tears. 'I'll be strong for you. I have to.'

"Well then we should get your things ready!" Kaoru declared trying to show enthusiasm but failing miserably. She grabbed his hand motioning for them to get up but he pulled her into his embrace. "Kaoru…" Kenshin whispered, tightening his hold on her, breathing in her sense. "I'm sorry."

"Don't, it's just something you have to do, I know." She silenced him, placing a soft kiss to his lips.

"You know I'll come back, right? I'll be back before Kenji's birthday next month." Kenshin said, planting a kiss on the top of her head.

"Just come back to us, anata." Kaoru's voice was muffled in his chest, lifting her head she smiled at him.

"Always Koishii," Kenshin smiled back at her, bending his head down, he brought his lips to hers for a warm kiss.

**~**~**~**~**

The sound of the water breaking against the ship brought him back to reality this time. He opened his eyes, seeing only the blue ocean, his mind still fighting to not give up on that memory. Kenshin recalled that last night in a long time they spent together. How they had made love passionately, like they always did, the way she had given herself completely to him, the way he had taken everything she had to offer, even when he himself couldn't let go completely. The way she had stood there, waving her hand, a bright smile crossing her face, and had watched him leave again. Moments like those only served to show how right he was about feeling unworthy of her.

Kenshin sighed, his thoughts drifting to his son. He hadn't come back in time for Kenji's third birthday like he said he would. He would have to figure out what damage this had caused to their already fragile relationship. He could only blame himself and his frequent absences for that situation. Kenji's birthday was just another thing to add to the crescent list of events in his son's life he had been missing. It was pretty ironic the fact he had always got along very well with children and yet with his own son he never seemed to get it right.

On the day he made his promise, he would never have imagined he would end up in China. What have started with a regular small rebellion turned out taking amazing proportions he would never have guessed. It became clear to him the evident weakness of the Meiji government for being incapable to stop the riot before it grew. The negligence and bad organization were bringing the government closer to a breaking point sometime soon and the people would be the ones to suffer the consequences. In the end history always repeats itself anyway.

When Kenshin finished these thoughts, the ship had just reached the shore and excitement washed over him as well as an indescribable warm feeling that he only felt when he was at home.

Not wanting to waste anymore time, Kenshin hurried himself to say farewell to the men who had become his companions for the last months. When he finally reached the streets of Tokyo an enormous sense of relief fell upon him.

He sped up towards the dojo, looking around absently for any changes in the town. Happy to notice the static of the places he was used to, few changes were in evidence. The air still held the same smell, that one of wet grass, so different from the smell he was used to in the past. The people's faces now at peace and he tried hard to remember he had fought for those numerous faces. He watched the children playing on the streets, free from care, and he secretly envied their ignorance regarding the world and the cruelty that always came along with life.

When he finally reached the dojo's gate, he hesitated, for the first time afraid of how he would be welcomed. 'Just come back to us, anata,' Kaoru's words ringing inside his mind spun away his fears. She wanted him back. He opened the gate and didn't contain the smile slowly blossoming as he heard sounds of sword practice coming from the dojo.

Stepping in the large room he promptly saw Yahiko standing in front of several students practicing intently. The dojo sure had grown famous. And people started showing interest for its technique. Kaoru was probably thrilled with the crescent movement.

It didn't take long for Yahiko to notice him. The boy's mouth dropped open with surprise as he stared the red haired man. Forgetting his students he rushed to Kenshin's side, "Kenshin!! You're back. Finally!" he spat out excitedly.

"It's good to see you, Yahiko!" Kenshin said, smiling broadly at the youngster and patting his shoulder. "It's been so long. You definitely look grown up."

At this Yahiko couldn't do anything but grin widely, his chest inflated full of pride for a moment, before curiosity came over his face. "Where have you been, Kenshin? What the hell happened?" he asked eagerly.

"China." Kenshin responded flatly, already knowing the answer would only bring more questions to the boy.

"China!? What do you mean? Weren't you taking care of a rebels group?" Yahiko's brows drew together.

"It's a long story. If you don't mind, Yahiko, sessha would like to talk about it later when everybody is gathered…" looking around, searching, Kenshin asked, "Where's Kaoru and Kenji?"

"Oh! They're out with Sanosuke." Yahiko answered nonchalantly, not noticing Kenshin's face of surprise, eyes widened, and the characteristic word already escaping from his lips.

"Oro?! Sano's here?" Kenshin couldn't help the surprise in his voice. It had been three years since he last saw Sanosuke, he had always hope to see his good friend again though.

Yahiko regarded the red haired man for a moment; understanding came to him eventually as he smacked his own forehead with one hand. "Oh! That's right, you don't know he's back! Well he showed up just a few weeks after you left and he's been living here since then."

Kenshin's smile grew wider as the news of his best friend coming back finally sank in. "Where did they go, Yahiko?"

"They went to the river but…" before he could finish, Kenshin had already turned and walked away.

"Oi! They're probably coming ba…Tsc, what's the use anyway!? He's already gone!" Yahiko finished, murmuring to himself as he watched Kenshin left.

Kenshin walked fast in the direction of the river. He couldn't sit and wait knowing they were so close after all that time without seeing his wife and son. No, he wouldn't. He needed to see them without anymore delay. The wait was becoming excruciating.

The very first thing he heard was her laugh, carefree and happy, just like he remembered. Kenshin inhaled deeply allowing the sound to engulf him. How could he spend so much time away from her when all he wanted was to be with her? Truth was, in those months apart from here, there'd be moments he thought he would go completely insane when the need of being with her took on an unbearable intensity. How many times had he thought of leaving all that fighting behind and come back to his family? To her understanding arms? But he didn't, his own guilt and his strong need of atonement for the crimes he committed in the past wouldn't let him go. They're stuck in his soul, already a part of his being.

"Sano no baka! Put him down!" he heard her shouting, attempting it to be a scolding but failing not able to hold back her giggles.

"Oi Jou-chan he's not afraid of highs, right Kenji-chan?" he could hear his friend replying and laughing casually.

"Hai! Higher, higher!" This time was the small voice of his son that caught his ears, he sounded more grown up.

Walking further, he finally got the full sight of them. Kenji was sitting on Sano's shoulder, his little hands lifted up as if trying to reach the sky. Kaoru, on the other hand, held her arms up, reaching for their son in the attempt to bring him down and save him from Sano. She even tried jumping to extend her reach to no avail.

Aside from the happiness in finally seeing his family again, Kenshin felt something else, something creeping upon him as he watched the beautiful picture they made. The feeling of an enormous lost, washing over him painfully as a bath of cold water. He tried desperately to shake it away and not let his soul be poisoned with it.

It appeared to have something wrong, something misplaced in the happy little family image they created. He was supposed to be the husband and the father. It should be him to take care of them, to take them to a walk on the riverside. But it wasn't. He could only blame himself and the choices he made. Did he have the right to claim back his place when he was the one choosing to leave them and fight for strangers even with the best of his intentions? He hoped he did. Had he become only a disturbing memory to shatter their happiness? He wished he hadn't. Had his frequent time of absence been long enough to change their hearts? He prayed it hadn't.

Looking at what his life should be, could be, a new resolution took place in his mind, enlightening it. Now that he was back, he would make everything back to the way they should be. He would make his wife happy and he would win his son's affection and respect. He had to.

Holding on to that new promise, decided, Kenshin walked past the shadows, ready to reveal his presence, he settled back a smile upon his face.

"Tadaima," his voice low and tentative.

And time stopped.

~º~º~º~º~º~º~º~To be continued.

Thanks for reading.

Tadaima: I'm home