Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Alkaline Cross ❯ Giving Up and Giving In ( Chapter 1 )

Alkaline Cross

"Giving Up and Giving In"

By: Omni-sama

(part 1 in a series of 3)

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Rating: NC-17

Reason: lemony-fresh yaoi and foul language

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Disclaimer:

Omni-sama claims no rights to WK. She's just borrowing the characters for a bit. Also, the song "Mr. Chainsaw" is by Alkaline Trio; and, while the member Dan may be married to her cousin, she owns no rights to this song, either. ^_^;;

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Spoiler Warning: There are spoilers! Woo! Well, at least more so in here than any other WK fics Omni-sama has done (which isn't saying much)… Anyway, they basically pertain to Aya's real name and Aya's sister. Yay.

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There are times when I look at you, while you sleep, and I can't believe you are the same man I just had sex with. And, when we're having sex, I can't believe you are the same man who wields a katana and acts as though he's made of frigid stone. No, while you're sleeping, you only look like a normal young man. In fact, you look almost innocent… No, not almost. You look innocent. Pure. Unadulterated by life's shit. And I wonder… I wonder just how the hell you turned out the way you did. I mean, I know how, but…

Ok, that's not true. I know why, but not how. You became who you are because of her. You had to avenge her. I understand that. I'm here because of something similar. But, I was never pure. I never had that huge turning point in my life where I tossed my youth and innocence aside in order to be sinful. I'm Kudou Yohji, sin incarnate. But you… You, Fujimiya Ran… You deserve something better than this life of corruption. Ran, you deserve to be more than someone else's tool for killing…

At least, this is what I think when I watch you sleep…

When was it that you lost your youth or traded
It for something more for them to use, so jaded?

But, then you wake up and shatter all these thoughts. Because as soon as you open those beautiful violet eyes, you stare coldly at me and get out of bed. I reach out to pull you back and into my arms. Sometimes you let me. This time you have. It always makes me happy when you do. I wish you would understand that. You let me kiss you; let me possess you. After a few moments, you kiss back. You always do. Just as you not only let me run my hands all over your body, but you start to encourage it.

Soon you're moaning and rocking your pelvis against mine. The look in your eyes is much different from that cold gaze a few minutes before. You're sitting on my lap, straddling me, so every time you move your hips like that the friction is just right. Your flesh tastes so good as I run my tongue along your neck. Mmm. You really like that, don't you? I can tell with how you're gasping and panting and rocking your hips even harder. This is what I want, Ran. I want you to want me. I don't want you to stare at me as if I mean nothing to you. No, I want you to call out my name and beg me to never stop being with you like this. And, you know I would stay like this forever if I could… Even if you don't really mean it. Even if you only say that because you're caught up in the heat of the moment….

You're pinching my nipples now and I have to pull away from your neck just to find my breath. God, you know how I like it when you do that. Of course you do. That's why you do it. Suddenly I'm being pushed back against the pillows and you're smiling down at me. All I have is a wink for a warning before you lower your mouth to encompass one of those overly sensitive nipples. I can't help but whimper a little. It feels so good. It feels so good to have you close to me like this. But, I want something more.

You let out a little yelp as I flip us over without telling you first. It's ok, you'll forgive me. Especially since I'm running nips up along your inner thighs. Somehow you managed to grab the lube off of the nightstand and now you're practically throwing it at me. I take it from you and smear some on my fingers. The look you're giving me right now is so goddamn intoxicating that I freeze for a moment and stare. Your lips are parted as you pant for air and your eyes are darkened and burning into me with a fire that is rarely revealed. Rolling your pelvis up out of impatience, you snap me out of my daze. Ok ok, I'll give you want you want. What I want…

Not only do I slip one lubricated finger into you, but I also descend upon you with my mouth, taking in the tip of your erection. I suck gently as I move my finger about. You're mewling and thrashing about beneath me. I take more of you in as I slip another finger inside you. By the time I get my third finger in, I've deep throated you. You scream my name out and I suck harder while moving my fingers in and out of you.

"NOW!!!" you cry. I agree. I remove my fingers and cease lavishing my attentions on your erection. This seems to upset you, despite your demand for something else. No matter; you'll be happy enough as soon as I'm inside that delicious little ass of yours.

I had intended to ease in slowly, but you'd have none of that. You've lifted your hips so that I'm now totally inside of you and you're pushing on me to get some form of friction inside. Dammit, I'm the one who's doing the fucking here, not you. As good as it may feel to have you fuck yourself with my dick, I can't let it continue this way. So, I grab your hips and force you down. You cry out in protest, but I shut you up with a quick and forceful thrust deep inside you. Now you're moaning and begging for more. And, that's just what I give you. I pound into you with all the force I can muster. The bed's shaking so damn much I'm surprised it hasn't fallen apart by now. Tilting your hips up a little, I hit inside of you just right. It doesn't seem long before you cum; but, glancing at the clock, I see that it's been nearly an hour since we started this. I thrust into you a few more times before finding release myself.

Once it's all over, I support myself over you and try desperately to catch my breath. You're already moving around beneath me, trying to get me out of you. Funny. At the start, you can't wait to get me inside. But, once it's all over with, you can't wait to get me out. Sighing, I pull fully out of you and collapse beside you. You try to move to get up, but I reach my arm out and hold you down. Giving in, you only move a little so you can reach a towel on the floor and wipe yourself off. Then, you let me hold you to me and nuzzle your hair.

"I love you," I whisper. It's not the first time I've said it to you. It won't be the last.

You sigh, kiss me, then pull out of my embrace. "You're the best friend I've ever had." That's all you ever say to me. You smile a little at me before pulling on a robe and leaving for the bathroom. This doesn't get me down too much. I'll keep telling you that I love you until you say it back someday. No rush. I can live with you only seeing me as a friend with benefits. Just as long I still get to hold you like this everyday. But, still, I can't help but wonder when you'll finally give in and admit you love me too…

Why is it that you never said
I love you more than just a friend?
I pray this gridlock never ends
And when we get there just depends

I walk down the stairs and towards the kitchen. It's been a couple hours since our roll in the hay. After you left I slept some more before getting up to take a shower and start the day. Well, I can see you aren't in the kitchen. Probably out in the shop. Omi's the only one here besides me. Sighing, I run my fingers through my damp hair and head for the coffee maker.

"We were wondering when you'd get up, Yohji-kun." Why is it that he can always sound so damn cheerful? Ah well…

"Mornin', Chibi." I smile my best smile and raise my mug to him.

"Morning? It's after noon, Yohji-kun!"

Laughing, I plop down in a chair next to him at the table. "Yeah, well, it's morning to me," I joke. You'd think he'd be used to my sleeping in by now.

"Jeez, Yohji-kun, I woulda thought you'd want to spend as much time with Aya while ya can. I mean, I know how much I'll miss him, so I can only imagine how you'll feel once he-"

Why doesn't he finish? Is it because I've dropped my mug, spilling the coffee all over the table? Is it because I'm staring at him as if I have no idea what the hell he's talking about? Because, you see, I really don't have a fucking clue. What about Aya and missing him? Where's he going?! I try to voice these questions, but all I can do is gape.

"You mean… You didn't know? I would have thought you'd be the first he'd talk to about this." The chibi looks rather guilty, as if he said something he shouldn't have. Maybe he thought it wasn't his place to tell me this. But, dammit, I need to know what the hell is going on!

"What, Omi? What's going on with Aya?" Was that me? Damn, my voice sounded really fuckin' weak just then. Almost…scared.

"He… He's leaving Weiß, Yohji…."

No. No fucking way. Why didn't he tell me this!? Was he EVER going to tell me this!?!? What, was he just going to leave one day without even saying good-bye!? I'm so pissed and hurt and just…everything! I can barely hear Omi as he calls after me while I run back up the stairs. His voice has faded to nothing by the time I slam the bedroom door. I know I'm supposed to work sometime today, but fuck it. I can't deal with the rest of the world right now. Dammit, Ran! Why the hell do you do this to me!? Maybe it's good that you're leaving. Then maybe I can find someone who doesn't hurt me so goddamn much! If you do leave, then stay gone, you bastard! I don't need this shit!!

"That's right, Ran. Go away and stay away." My gray ceiling is the only one listening. Not even I can hear my own words. Rolling over, I bury my face in my pillow and force myself back to sleep. If I sleep it won't hurt so much… If I sleep, I won't have to think about it. I just hope I don't dream. My dreams never go well…

I found out recently that you are leaving
For good I hope, I softly tell my ceiling
It's better now to be alive
Sleeping is my 9 to 5

I'm having nightmares all the time
Of running out of words that rhyme

Something's shaking me out of my deep, contented sleep. When I open my eyes, I see yours staring back at me. Damn you and your beautiful eyes. They make me want to forgive you for anything you've done to hurt me. But, I remember that the reason you hurt me now is because you're taking away those lovely eyes permanently from my view. So, I glare up at you as you sit on the edge of the bed. You look concerned and ashamed, but you sure as hell don't look remorseful.

"Omi told me what happened," you say in your calm, frigid way.

"Fuck you," I say in my sleep-filled, pissed off way.

"Yohji, there's a reason I hadn't told you yet…"

"Don't care."

"Really? Then why are you up here moping?"

"Not moping. Sleeping. Go the fuck away."

"Yohji… Don't you even want to know why I'm leaving?"

"Why bother? It wouldn't matter if you told me. You'd still leave. So, fucking leave already." Besides, I don't want to hear the reason.

"I'm not leaving right this minute, Yohji. I was planning on heading out by the end of next week."

Next week?! I bet you WERE gonna just leave without ever even telling me!! Heartless, selfish, son of a bitch!!

"Well, you can move out of my room right this goddamn minute. And don't ever come back."

You sigh. That's all you ever do. Then you get up and leave without even trying to change my mind. Then again, why would you? You're leaving me anyway, so why the hell would you want to convince me to let you stay in my bed for your last few days? Evidently you could more than live without me. Damn, I feel sick. I wait until you've left before I pull myself up and over to the sliding glass doors of the balcony. Once outside I slide down against the wall and stare up at the sky as clouds move in to cover up the pale blue. My eyes hurt. I reach up to rub them but stop as soon as I make contact. I'm… I'm crying… Bastard. Ran, you bastard… I wish I could hate you right now.

Everything that you could never say
Would never matter anyway
I took a hammer and two nails to my eardrums long ago
Before that steak knife took my eyes
I looked up to the sky
For the last thing I would ever see
For the last time I'd cry

It's been days since we've talked to each other. You're leaving soon. Only a short time left to be with you, and we're still ignoring each other's existence. At least… We were… But, I can't take it. I can't take going to an empty bed every damn night and dreaming about you in my arms. And, most of all, I can't take that you're really going to leave. No, I won't let you. You're mine, Ran. I won't let you leave me.

Using all the stealth I've learned as an assassin, I slip into your room. You don't even stir as I make my way over to your bed. When I sit down next to your sleeping form, you move a little bit but your eyes remain closed. Holding back a sigh, I lean in and kiss your forehead. That wakes you up. Boy, does that wake you up! Suddenly I find myself on my back on the floor, your hands firmly about my neck. Your violet eyes blink as they take in the intruder. Then, you let go of me and move away, sitting so that your back is against the side of your bed.

"Yohji? What do you want? What are you doing here?" Heh. You're sleepy. That's always when you're the cutest.

"I wanted to talk."

"Hn. You yell at me when I try to talk to you because you were sleeping, but it's ok to wake me up to talk? Your logic astounds me, Yohji."

"Sorry about waking you up. I'm also sorry about snapping at you the other day. But, you have to understand that I was pretty goddamn pissed, and for good reason." You nod and rub your eyes, listening to me and not putting up any argument or protest.

"So what do you want to talk about now, Yohji? Want to know why I'm leaving?"

"No. I want to know why you aren't staying." I say this seriously, but even I admit it sounds weird.

"What? Isn't that the same thing?" You yawn and stretch a little, leaning back more against the bed.

"No, it isn't. It's something completely different." Shit, you look so unbelievably sexy right now… All you're wearing is a pair of silk boxers and the moonlight is reflecting off your pale skin so that it glows. I almost start to forget why I came in here.

"Well then, Yohji, what do you mean?"

Fuck, don't look at me that way. You're just making it worse! It's hard enough to concentrate without you giving me that half-lidded look. I know you don't mean for it to look seductive. I know it's just because you're sleepy. But… Damn!

"I mean, Ran, why aren't you willing to stay with me and give whatever it is we have a try?" There. I said it. I'm takin' the next step in our uh…"relationship." Whoever said that Kudou Yohji was afraid of commitment doesn't know what he's talking about!

You're not saying anything. You're just staring at me, but in a way that I can't read. What are you thinking? Are you repulsed at the idea? Are you shocked that I want to keep you with me? What? Dammit, boy, why don't you have facial expressions like a normal human being?!

Releasing a sigh, I go on. "Look, Ran, whatever reason you have to leave… I'm sure something could be worked out. You don't have to go. Why don't you try staying here for a while longer? I know sometimes it feels like you've sold your soul to Kritiker, but… There are still aspects of life that you can experience while still in Weiß. Why are you willing to throw it all away so thoughtlessly? Heh… Not that I'm really one to say much. I used to think there was nothing good left of my life. I would spend nights clubbing, getting drunk…. I was a mess. And during the day, I was so apathetic. I mean, I would look cheery and up-beat, but… But I really just didn't give a shit, you know… Life was so goddamn painful. But… But then there was you. There was this. Whatever it is. And, for the first time in who knows how many years, I was happy. You were my salvation from this dark life I've wandered into. And, you must believe me when I tell you how I feel about you. Ran, I love you. I really do love you." I hold my breath and wait for you to say something, anything.

When was it that you sold your life or wasted
Every bite of that small slice you never tasted?
I guess I should be one to talk
There's nights that I can't even walk
There's days I couldn't give a fuck
And in between is where I'm stuck

"But, Yohji…"

You spoke, so why can't I breathe yet?

"Yohji, I can live life outside of Weiß, as well. If anything, I can live a better life. No more killing. No more tarnishing Aya-chan's name with blood. I don't have to do this anymore. Takatori is dead. My revenge is complete. And…"

You pause and I notice a stream of silver shimmering in the moonlight as it makes its way down your cheek. You're crying?....

"Ran?..."

"And I can put this behind me and get a regular job, like other people. And, I can be normal now, Yohji…"

"No."

"What?"

Your eyes grow so wide I almost think they're going to pop out. I smile a little, in a way I hope is reassuring, and shake my head.

"No, Ran. You can't be normal. You'll never be normal."

"Yohji?"

"You're too damn wonderful to be considered 'normal,' Ran. You are on a level above all others. It's impossible for someone so incredible to ever be normal." You weren't expecting that one, were you? I see another tear escape from those amazing eyes.

"But Aya's well now. I can move on with my life."

"I thought you told me about Botan saying something to you a while back… Something about not fighting to protect her, but fighting to protect all the others out there like her."

You don't seem to know quite what to say to that. You know he was right. I know you know. And, if you know this to be true… Then, why are you leaving? Is it-

"Because of me?"

"Hm?" I nearly jump when you look at me questioningly. Did I say the last part of that thought out loud??

"Is… Is it because of me that you're leaving, Ran?" I really don't want to hear the answer to that question. Maybe I just said that part out loud, too, because you aren't jumping to answer me.

"….I… I don't know….. Maybe."

Maybe?! What the hell is that? Maybe you're leaving because of me? It wasn't a trick question!

"…..Oh." What else can I say to THAT!? Shit, I can feel my eyes tearing up now too. I gotta get out of here. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come in here and asked you all these things. As I start to stand up, you grab my arm and pull me back down onto the carpet.

"Wait! I… I didn't say that that was necessarily the case."

"Then what is the case, Ran? None of your excuses add up."

"To tell you the truth, I'm not really certain anymore as to why I want to leave… You've… You've confused me."

Me confuse you?! Hah! If only you knew what you were doing to me! But, at least I got you to question why you're leaving. This is a plus. If it keeps up you may not go at all. But, in a way I see why you would want to go…. You never did get to have a typical young adulthood… You went from being a kid one minute to a killer the next. Is it those years you want to take back? Are you leaving because you want to live out a life you were deprived of the first time around? Oh, but Ran… Those years are over… The future is the only thing you have available to you now… Don't sacrifice the future in a desperate attempt to relive the past.

"Maybe you're right…"

What? Shit, did I say my thoughts out loud again?! It must be because I'm tired… Damn it.

From blocks away I heard somebody screaming
That small child inside of you that you left bleeding
You stabbed him up not once but twice
Cubicles will now suffice
Some say it's the roll of the dice
I think they're wrong I know I'm right

"Yohji…?"

"Yes, Ran?"

"I'm going to stay. For a while, at least. Until I get things figured out."

My heart is leaping from my chest and I want to jump up and shout out of victory and joy. But, all I do is lean forward and kiss you. It starts of sweet and gentle; but, we both start adding passion onto it until it's rough and demanding. God, a day without you is torture, let alone several in a row. I wonder if you feel similar towards my absences… Judging by the way your hands have ventured down inside of my jogging pants (the only thing I currently have on) and around my ass, I have a pretty good guess. Somehow I manage to pull away and I stare into your eyes. I know I must look confused as hell, because you consider my gaze for a moment then chuckle.

"Sorry. I just assumed the kiss meant we had made up. So, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to spend tonight alone, you know…."

You're smirking! You're actually smirking!! My jaw drops and you just continue chuckling while massaging my ass.

"Breathe, Yohji."

That's when I realize that I'm not breathing. I can't breathe! This is what you've done to me! You've made it impossible for me to ever breathe again, I'm so damn shocked! But, then I start breathing again. Seems my lungs can't take much time without air. I'm sure all the cigarettes don't help with that very much… I start to say something, but suddenly your lips are over mine again. Dammit, if you kiss me breathless I'll just be right back where I started! Oh well, not complaining… Mmm…

Every breath that I could barely breathe
Could barely make it past my teeth
I took a blowtorch to both of my lungs a long, long time ago

We're standing now. Don't ask me how we got up here. All I know is that my pants are still on the floor, right next to your silk boxers. I need to lean on you in order to climb onto the bed. For some reason my legs aren't working right now. Shit, you took my breath away and made me weak in the knees.

Every step that I could take
Every one more difficult to make
Mr. Chainsaw came and took my legs a long, long time ago

It's so odd that just a little while ago, you were in tears and we were talking about why you were going to leave. Now, you're pulling me down onto you, and wrapping your legs around my body.

"You'll stay…?" I somehow manage to gasp as you wrap your fingers around my erection.

"Yes."

"Really?..." God, now your pumping it.

"Really."

"Mmm… Then I should thank you." I know we keep an emergency thing of lube in your room, and I find it with record speed. For a moment I consider forgetting about the prepping, but I know you wouldn't appreciate that. When I slap your hand away from my erection, you give me a little pout. "If you keep that up we won't be getting very far."

"But, I like to play…"

"Then play with yourself." I really didn't expect you to do it, but you do. Sweet merciful god… I'm drooling. I know I have to be. I'm so fixated on the sight of you stroking yourself that I fumble with getting the lid off of the lube. It's even worse getting the gel onto my fingers. Especially when you moan like that… Fuck.

"Ah… Yohji…"

God, I wish it wasn't my finger I just stuck inside you. I lean forward and kiss you. I have to in order to get you to shut up. If you keep moaning my name like that I'm going to lose control. You continue to stroke yourself as I kiss you, and I can feel it brushing up against my abdomen while I'm leaning over you like this. Shit. Gotta get inside of you… Two fingers… Three fingers… Ok, that's enough! I can't take it anymore! Growling, I pull away from our kiss and slip my fingers out of you. I slather what I can of the lube onto my aching erection and then grab your hips. No gentle entry this time. I practically thrust inside you, the action quickly followed by the sound of skin smacking together. You tilt your head back and through the lust and sensations, I manage to focus on you and grow worried.

"Ran?... You ok?..."

"Yes! God, yes! Do that again!!!"

Ok! Like I'm going to say no! Hah! So, I pull nearly all the way back out, then quickly thrust all the way back in. Shit, that feels good. But, I know something that will feel even better…

"Headboard," I pant out after another thrust.

"What? Ah!!"

"Sit up…Mm…Against the headboard."

Moving carefully so that I don't slip out, we scoot back on the bed until we're both sitting up. Your back is against the headboard, and I'm on my knees a little, pinning you to the dark wood. I place a hand to each side of you, gripping the top of the wood for leverage. And that's when I let it all go. All the pent up frustration of those days without you. All the excitement of knowing that you're going to stay here and not leave me. Everything. It all comes out of me as I pound mercilessly into you. You're calling out my name again, which only makes me drive into you harder.

"God, Yohji! Don't ever stop doing this to me!!!"

"Promise not to leave me."

"I promise!!!! -Ah- I promise!!!!"

The wall behind the headboard is starting to crack a little, but I don't care. I can't let up, not now. Fuck, not that I'd want to! Suddenly the area between our bodies has grown very warm and I feel you tense up around me. I'm not there yet, though. Almost… Just a little more… Oh god, Ran!!!!

It takes me a minute to pull out and collapse beside you. You're still sitting up against the headboard, breathing deeply. I'm also out of breath and I chuckle a little as I grab you by the legs and pull you down to lay next to me.

"Yohji, that was…. I can't describe it…"

"Well, I'm just really happy that you gave in…."

"Gave in?"

"Yeah. You gave in to me and said you would stay. Thank you for that."

"Hn. What makes you think I did it for you?" Despite the venom in your voice, you move over and nuzzle against my neck, almost purring.

"Well, if you did it because you wanted to stay with me, then that's even better." I wrap my arms around you and hold you there against me. Never… I'll never let you go, Ran… I love you. And, someday, you'll give up and say you love me too. I know you will. And that's what I want, Ran… I want you to put aside any silly ideas of actually being able to reclaim the past, and instead look towards a future with me… I want you to just stop fighting it and surrender to how you feel. And, if it takes time, I'll wait. You're more than worth it. Smiling, I kiss the top of your head, since it's all I currently have access to, and whisper "goodnight" before drifting off to sleep with you in my arms.

In case you're wondering
I'm singing about growing up about giving in
In case you're wondering we're singing about growing up
About giving up and giving in…

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~*~Tsuzuku~*~