Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Alkaline Cross ❯ No Helping It ( Chapter 2 )

Alkaline Cross

"No Helping It"

By: Omni-sama

(part 2 in a series of 3)

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Rating: R

Reason: lime, foul language, patented Ran angst

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Disclaimer:

Same deal. I don't own any elements of WK or the Alkaline Trio song "Take Lots with Alcohol."

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Spoiler Warning:

Same warning as "Giving Up and Giving In."

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I don't like this place. The air conditioner is turned up way too high. Grumbling, I pull my black coat tighter about myself and glare at you sitting next to me. You're just sitting there happily humming to yourself while you flip through a magazine that I know must be at least two years old. My glare softens a little as I stare at your wavy blond hair and how it falls carelessly about your face. You're so beautiful. Maybe that's all it is… Maybe that's the only reason I want to be with you. I mean, you are a wonderful friend…a far better one than someone like me deserves… But, I don't think I love you… Not the way you want me to.

"Fujimiya-san," the lady at the desk calls, looking around at the little waiting room. Her eyes finally fall on me and she smiles a little. "He's ready to see you now."

Sighing, I stand to go the door with the words "Dr. Kokoromi" painted on it. Before I can take a step, however, Yohji has my hand firmly in his own grasp. He gives it a squeeze and then slowly releases. I don't look back, though. I just walk as quickly as I can through that door.

Once inside Dr. Kokoromi's office, I suddenly wish I was back in the waiting room. Why am I here again? Oh yeah… Because Yohji and I talked and decided I should maybe talk to someone about all the problems I have. I sigh again and sit down on the black leather couch, not even bothering to look up to greet the psychologist. But, as soon as a pair of shiny black shoes makes their way into the realm of my downward gaze, I force myself to look up at the face of the man who will pick my mind apart. Dear god… How can he be a psychologist? He's so young! At least…he looks young. I glance around and notice the diplomas and degrees on the walls. Well, evidently he's qualified to be here… I wonder if he's a genius and graduated all his schooling early?

"Good afternoon. I'm Kokoromi Eisai, but you may just call me Eisai if you like. And your name is….Ran, is it?" I nod. "Well, pleased to meet you, Ran."

For a moment I just stare at his long dark hair that's pulled back neatly and his sharp hazel eyes. He's tall, too… Maybe as tall as Yohji or taller. All in all, he's stunningly beautiful. And he dresses well, too. Of course, a professional like him would dress well. But, it's a nicely made dark colored suit that is obviously custom-tailored to fit his body perfectly.

"Are you comfortable, Ran? Would you rather sit on the other couch or are you fine there?"

I look at the other couch. It's a different make and it doesn't look nearly as luxurious as the black leather couch. I mean, I'm practically sinking into the cushions. Looking back to Eisai, I shake my head.

"I'm fine where I am. By the way, I've been admiring your suit. Armani?"

"Ah, you have a good eye. Yes, it's Armani. I can't help it. I have a weakness for that designer." He smiles and pulls a chair up in front of the couch so he can sit down at my level. "So, Ran, what's been troubling you?"

For a moment I just sit there, silent. Then I lean back on the couch, my head softly hitting the wall behind it. "Many things… But I really don't see how telling you about them will help anything."

"…Then why are you here, Ran?"

"Because Yohji talked me into it."

"I see… And who is Yohji?"

"He's my friend."

"Ah. Your boyfriend?"

I can feel myself blush and I turn my head, rolling it on the leather, to stare blankly at a wall adorned with a really ugly painting of something I think is a bowl of fruit. "Yes… I guess you could say that."

"And why does he think you need to see me?"

"…Hn. To work out my issues."

"Issues? About what?"

"…."

"Ran?"

"I don't really know if there's actually anything wrong with me. But, I have been a bit stressed recently. And, well, sometimes it just becomes unbearable."

"Do you want to talk about it? Maybe I can help."

Hello; what the hell am I doin' here?
That's a really nice suit,
This is a really comfortable chair…
See I don't know if you can help me or not
Cause I don't feel sick
But the pains in my head have almost put me
Underground…

Well, I've been seeing Eisai for a few months now, but nothing has really changed. Then again, I haven't been opening up to him as much as I know I should be. He's a psychologist, for god's sake; it's his job to listen to my inner most thoughts and feelings. But… I find myself still unable to share them. And, here I am again, sitting on the same cool black leather I've become accustomed to.

"Ran… I can't help you unless you help me. Tell me what's bothering you. I know you're not telling me everything."

"Can't you just give me a pill or something and make it better? I know modern medicine has a lot of those things nowadays."

"Well, actually, those are for people who have chemical imbalances and aren't for people with rational excuses to depression or anxiety. The only way to help you, Ran, is by talking."

"Hn." I move around in my seat a little, suddenly finding the usually cozy couch rather uncomfortable. Maybe I'll just tell him everything I've been keeping locked up. Why not? What could it hurt? "Fine…"

"Ah, so you'll finally open up? That's good. I want you to know you can trust me, Ran."

"…Maybe that's one of the problems." He doesn't say anything, but the smile on his face lets me know that's one of the things he's already suspected. I don't trust people. "That… And the fact that I don't like to let people get close to me."

"And why is that?"

"Because I don't deserve it, for one. I don't deserve to have their love or affection. Also probably because of the loss of my family."

"But your sister survived, correct? You said she was in a coma until fairly recently."

"That's true. And, I'm grateful that she woke up and is fine… But… There are times when it's hard to even face her. I have done so many bad things… I don't deserve her love, either."

"You said before that Yohji talked you into coming here. Tell me, is it because he feels that your relationship is rather one-sided?"

"….Yes."

"Is it because you distance yourself from even him?"

"………..Yes."

"Why?"

"Because he says he loves me."

"And you feel that you don't deserve that."

"Right. And… Well…"

"Is there another reason as well, Ran?"

"I'm not sure I love him back."

"….I see."

There was a very strange tone in his voice just then that causes me to stare at him, trying to figure out what he's thinking. The change in tone was subtle, but it was there…

"If you don't love him, Ran, then why are you with him?"

"It's not just him, you see. I don't think I'm able to fall in love. Not after the kind of life I have lived."

"Do you want to talk about your experiences?"

"No."

"…Ok. How about why you think they should get in the way of you falling in love?"

"….Because everything has made me cold. I don't feel love anymore."

"You don't think maybe you are simply refusing to admit to your own affections because you feel that these, too, are something you are not worthy of?"

He moves his chair closer and sets his notepad aside. I stare at him, watching his movements, still curious about that tone earlier.

"Ran, I may not have known you for very long, but what I have learned of you is this: You are a very good person."

I blink, wondering if he'd be saying that if he knew how many people have died by my hand.

"For some reason you are hiding yourself inside a protective shell. It's not so much that you are pushing people away rather than keeping them out. You seem very insecure and unsure of yourself and who you are. I get the impression that you feel people would judge you the wrong way, hating you for whatever reason. But, you are, as I said before, a good person. You are someone who is concerned and protective of the people he loves. Yes, loves. You love your sister and your friends. You even love Yohji, I'm sure, on some level, even if it is just as a friend. And I… I…" He sighs, standing from his chair. My eyes follow him back to his small desk in the corner as he resumes his sitting there. "I am going to have to refer you to another psychologist."

What? I'm a bit startled. What brought this about!? Did I do something wrong? I don't understand. "Why?"

"Because I have become too involved."

Ok, now I'm even more confused. I don't see how he's become involved at all. I haven't even told him enough about myself to be "too involved." I mean, if I had told him about Weiß, I'd understand, but…

"In what way, Eisai?"

Sighing again, he stands back up and walks back over to the chair in front of me, a piece of paper in his hand. "Here. This has the name and number of a good psychologist. I think she'd be better for you to talk to."

"I'm confused," I start as I take the paper from him and stare at it blankly, "Just what exactly is going on here?"

"I can't morally be your psychologist anymore."

"Why? I still don't understand."

"…Ran, I've been developing feelings for you." My eyes widen but I continue to stare at the paper. "Ever since the first day I have found you attractive, but the more we met the more I felt for you. Today…with the talk of love and whether or not you deserve to have others love you or you love others…it made me realize that my feelings for you may get in the way of my counseling you."

It's all I can do to keep my breathing regular. This was not something I had expected. I mean, I find him mutually attractive, but do I care for him like he cares for me? God, this is just like with Yohji! Speaking of Yohji… Should I be here thinking of what this other man is saying and being excited about it like this? What about my loyalties to Yohji? But… Then again… What loyalties? It's not like we're officially in a committed relationship or anything. It was his own choice to stop clubbing and dating other people. I never asked him to do any of that.

"You should probably go now, Ran… And… I'm sor-"

His lips taste good. And, since he was talking, his mouth was open. So, I slip my tongue in to deepen the kiss I've just sprung on him. I'm leaning forward off of the couch and practically into his lap on the chair, my arms around him as I ravage his mouth. He kisses back and wraps his arms around me in return. Suddenly I'm finding myself being eased back onto the couch, his body pressing on mine. Now his warm hands are moving over my body, working their way under my orange sweater. He caresses my skin, making me shiver and moan without meaning to.

It's nice and all, but it isn't out of desire that I'm doing this. I want to test myself. I want to test to see if I'm in love with Yohji. And… Right now that's who I'm thinking of… Yohji. I'm thinking of how his hands seem to know my flesh better…even the first time. I'm thinking about how even though Eisai's lips and mouth are delicious, Yohji's taste is superior… And… I'm thinking about how this is wrong…

I don't really care if I'm healthy or not
Just clean my head up doc
I'll give you anything you want
See I don't know why I don't fall in love
Well maybe I know why and maybe you could make it stop
Then we'll cut it up and bury it and leave it
Underground

As if he can sense me thinking about him, the object of my thoughts has just opened the door. Eisai gasps and pulls away quickly, moving back towards the other side of the room. I sit there silently and tug my shirt back down from where Eisai has rumpled it. And Yohji… He just stands there…shocked. And hurt. I can see that in his eyes, too.

"The appointment ran over and Ran's shift at work starts in a few minutes, so I just came in here to get him…"

He lowers his head a little, golden hair masking his eyes in shadow, his hand still on the doorknob. For some reason my vision is getting a little foggy. I blink a few times before noticing that something warm is running down my cheeks. I'm…crying? Shit. Well, I have my answer. I love him. But, I doubt he'd believe me now if I told him. ….Shit.

"I.. I take it you're Yohji?" Eisai's voice sounds shaky. I understand why he would be nervous. He could lose his job over this. That is, if Yohji lets him live that long…

"Yeah. I'm Yohji. Ran's boyfriend. You wanna tell me what the hell you were doing to him just now?"

"I…. He…"

"Isn't it against the law to be doing that with a patient, Doctor?"

"It is, but… I mean…"

"I wasn't his patient at the time." My voice is surprisingly calm, despite the fact I'm trembling and now looking away from them both. "He even gave me the name of another psychologist to go to instead of him."

"Oh, and this was really the first time?!"

I can't help but cringe under those accusing words. I feel sick… I need to throw up. The taste of Eisai is still in my mouth. Suddenly I hate this taste… It's making me nauseous.

"Yes, Yohji… This was the first time…" My voice isn't as calm anymore, but I'm trying. I want to add "And it will be the last! I realize now that I don't want anyone else but you!!" But… For some reason… I can't. I don't think he would believe me, anyway.

"How the hell am I supposed to believe that?!?!" Told you. "For all I know you've been coming here all these times and doing…doing…doing THAT with this so-called doctor!!!!"

Yes. Scream at me. I deserve your anger. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me after this… And, even though I know I deserve it… I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much.

"I'm going home," I say simply and stand to go. Glancing over at Eisai, I've noticed he's collapsed into his desk chair and his hold his head. I almost want to say "I'm sorry" to him, but not really. Logically and morally he should have ended our sessions back when this little crush on me first began. I stop before reaching the door. Yohji's still standing there, glaring at me. There are a few tears in his eyes and already some visible streams down his cheeks. I wonder absently if he can see the tears on my face, too. If he does, will he forgive me? Probably not… And, like I said, I don't deserve forgiveness…

"Yeah. Let's get out of here." His voice is bitter and his eyes look quickly away from me as he turns to go as well. I follow him silently out to the car. For a moment I hesitate before placing my hand on the handle and opening the door. The drive home will not be a fun one….

Thank god. We're finally back and I can just go up to my room and lock myself away from you and your angry, hurt eyes. I rarely use my room anymore since we started our relationship. Only when we have fights or that time not so long ago when I was planning on leaving. Now, though, I think I really will leave. What's the point of staying now? And, it's not like you're going to beg me to stay again… Not after what I did…

Sadly, though, it seems I'm not going to be able to peacefully shut myself up in my room. I can hear your heavy footsteps following close behind me. I quicken the pace and make it through my door just moments before you are able to catch up. You're knocking on it and trying the knob, but I've already locked it and I'm trying my best to ignore you.

"Aya! Aya, open the damned door! We need to talk!!!"

What is there to talk about, I ask myself. Would you really believe me if I told you the truth? After what you saw…would you believe me?

"….Ran… Please… Open the door…" You've stopped knocking and your voice has become so quiet that I can barely hear you. It almost sounds like you're fighting back some sobs while you talk, but… But I try to ignore it. To ignore you. It would be best…for the both of us. It would do no good talking in the state we are now. Maybe….maybe tomorrow…after we've both had time to calm down and think. Yes. Yes, maybe then.

Hesitantly I walk over to my bed and pull the sheets down. It's not even dark out yet, but I just feel so damn tired. I know I have to work in the shop right now, but I don't care. Stripping off my clothes as quickly as I can, I slip into bed and bury my face in the pillow. Already the pillow is getting wet with the tears I know I must be crying, and it muffles the sobs that cause my whole body to shudder.

Tomorrow… Yes… Tomorrow will be better. Maybe if I wish for it hard enough it'll actually happen. Maybe I'll wake up in the morning to find that it was all a horrible dream and things are just as they've always been… And you'll be lying there beside me…

And I'll take to wishing and fall under
Sleeping safe and sound
Just give me medicine; prescribe me anything
Just knock me out and walk me through the door
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore

So much for dreaming. I wake up staring at my ceiling. I know it's mine, despite the fact that it's made from the same material as yours. The cracks are different. And for some reason…yours makes me smile when I see it in the morning. Mine just makes me frown and pull the sheets up more. There's no way in hell I'm leaving this room today. I don't give a shit if I'm acting just like you did after that whole incident with Neu. Yeah, I know, I yelled at you and said you were pathetic… Well, you were. Just as pathetic as I am now.

Some soft knocking at the door makes me turn in the bed slightly, sheets twisting. I know it's you before you even say anything. But, it surprises me since the clock on the nightstand says it's twenty after nine in the morning. I honestly didn't think you could wake up that early. Or…maybe you never went to sleep…

"Ran…? Are you up?"

I'm silent.

"It's…me. Look, I just want to talk to you, ok? Please don't shut me out."

Sighing, I turn back around to face the window, trying to untangle the sheets from about me. You continue knocking and calling to me softly for a few more minutes before finally giving up. At least, I think you have. I don't hear anything outside the door. But, you could always just be sitting there silently, hoping that I'll come out to eat or piss or something. Well, you'll be waiting for a while, then. I have no desire to do either at the moment.

I kick the sheets off me and force myself out of bed. Dragging my feet, I walk over to a corner of the room I have become very familiar with over time. I almost smirk as I plop down on the hard wood and lean back against the wall. At least I had left my boxers on yesterday before going to bed, otherwise my ass would be even colder than the wood's already making it through the thin silk.

This is the corner I rest my katana in, and so I pull it over into my lap without even having to think about it. It's also the corner where I got the scar on my left wrist. This makes me think back to that night and I rub my fingers along the ridge of pinkish flesh. It even makes me laugh a little. I look down at the wood floor beside me and I can swear I see some blood stains. But, that's insane because the mess was cleaned up quite thoroughly by Omi, and he never misses a thing.

Suddenly the knocking at my door has started up again, but this time it's not soft and gentle. It's rather hard. So hard in fact that I can see the wood tremble on its hinges. Getting impatient are we?

And now the door is swinging open, taking bits of the frame with it. Well, I never expected you to force your way in, that's for sure. Point for you, Kudou. I almost laugh out loud before noticing the look on your face. You don't look mad. You look…afraid. And your eyes are trained on something…. I follow their gaze and see my katana staring back at me from my lap. Oh! I see… You may have come in all angry, but as soon as you see me in my "suicide corner" with the katana in my hands you get worried. Makes sense, I suppose. But, I wasn't going to do anything… I just like holding my katana…

"Ran… Don't do it… Please… We can work this out. You don't have to…"

I blink. I'd laugh if there wasn't a risk of pissing you off more than I already have. "Shut up. I wasn't going to do anything."

You nod, but you still look worried. As if to reassure you, I set my katana aside and lean back against the wall. "You broke my door."

"You wouldn't open up."

"Hn. But this is my room. You've no right to barge in."

Ok, all that worry just faded away to anger. Damn, you're an emotional man.

"No right!?! Ran, you're my BOYFRIEND!!!! Or… I mean…" You trail off, probably questioning in your mind whether or not that statement is still true.

"You want to talk about what happened at the appointment yesterday, don't you." I'm not really asking. It's more of a statement, really.

"Yes. Why, Ran? Why were you…" You choke and turn away. I sigh and pull myself up so that I can go sit on the bed. It's much more comfortable anyway, and my brooding is over for now.

"I needed to see something," I explain as I flop down onto the mattress.

"See something? What the hell does that mean?" You look at me, most likely contemplating whether or not you should join me. Finally you decide on sitting away from me, on the couch adjacent my bed.

"…I needed to see how I felt about you."

"By making out with someone else?!!?"

"Yes."

Silence. Looooong silence. Finally, you look up at me, your eyes meeting mine for the first time.

"How? Why?"

I sigh. Lover, you may have been a good private eye, but you sure as hell are slow sometimes. "I needed to see if what I felt for you was just lust, or if it was something more. If it was just lust, then I should have been able to go all the way with him without hesitation. If it was more, however, I should have stopped it."

"….Didn't look like you were stopping it."

"Actually…I was about to. I know you probably don't believe me, though."

More silence. Your eyes haven't moved from mine.

"He was all over you, Ran."

"But I wasn't all over him, Yohji."

Once again…silence. This is getting old real quick.

Hello what the hell are you doing here
You made a really strange face
This is a really uncomfortable air
I see I'm boring you, maybe I bore myself too
That's why I need help, I'm cleaning blood off dusty shelves
I been cut up in this room so many times it might take days
And those stress cracks in the wood
How nicely they soak up the stains

"So you're saying that you haven't been cheating on me?"

"I already told you that back at the office. That was the only incident. I can assure you it will be the last."

"I… I just don't know, Ran… I can't get the image of you and him out of my mind…" You cover your face with your hands, breaking eye contact. I fall backwards on the bed and sigh again. What can I do to make you understand?

"I love you."

Again with the silence. After a while, I hear you shift a little on the couch.

"W…What did you just say, Ran?"

"I said I love you."

"And… And you figured this out by kissing that doctor?"

"Yes."

"I… I just don't understand."

I stare at the cracks on my ceiling and wish again that I was in your room instead of mine. I hate this ceiling.

"Then I'll explain it, Yohji, although I've already explained most of it. When I was kissing him, all I could think about was you. About how you were better. About how you felt right and he didn't. About how I wanted to be in your arms and only your arms for the rest of my life." That sure as hell better have done the trick because you know as well as I do that these things aren't easy for me to say.

"Ran…"

Is that shock in your voice? Happiness? Disbelief? What? Dammit, it's not so easy to read you when I'm not looking at your face. As if reading my mind, you move over and crawl onto the bed so that you are straddling my body, your face hovering just above mine. Your eyes are twinkling, and your smile is filled with such happiness. But, I can also see the pain still there. That makes me feel like a knife has just sliced me open from my head to my toes. There are still some tears in your eyes and I absently reach up a hand to wipe them away. You look so much more beautiful when you're happy. Truly happy. I make you too sad…

"Ran, do you really mean it?"

Mean what? Oh… "Yes. I really do love you."

"Say-Say it again."

"I love you."

Your body lowers onto mine and you wrap your arms up under me to pull me close.

"Again."

"I love you."

"God, Ran… I was starting to think I'd never hear you say that… Oh, Ran, I love you so much."

You're kissing me. I kiss back because I want it, but I feel bad about it because those three little words really shouldn't have changed the current situation that much. I was only expecting you to take my excuses, hopefully understand them, and soundly end our relationship. How could you be kissing me?! How could you possibly be running your hands all over my body like you are now? Why?! I've hurt you! Chances are I'm going to continue to hurt you in the future!! You deserve better than me!

"I love you, Ran… So very much…"

Stop it!! And I don't mean just you; I mean my body as well! It's reacting to your touch, returning each caress, each kiss… No… I don't want to hurt you anymore… If you take me back I'll just keep hurting you. I want you to be happy. Always happy. That's not something I can give you. Surely you know that!!! God, Yohji, please stop holding me like this! You're making it hard to pull away… Hard to actually voice my protests… I want… I want you. But I also want your happiness! Damn it all!

I'm too weak… I can't fight what my body and heart want… Not right now… So, we'll make love through the rest of the day and on into the evening. But tomorrow… Tomorrow, Yohji, I'll be gone. Because I can't bring you true happiness. I can only bring you pain.

You, Yohji, are like a star of some sort…acting, singing, doesn't matter. You're the main focus of brilliance. And I… Well, I was just your co-star…your back up. For a little while, anyway. But, I didn't help you to shine like I should have. Instead I made you flicker out a few times… I don't belong by your side. You need someone able to make you glow. So, I'll step down from the stage and give someone better the opportunity to stand beside you. Just… Just remember that I love you. Now and always.

Been telling myself these jokes for so long well so long
I'm a has been who is heckled on the stage

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Tsuzuku….