Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Save me from myself ❯ Guilt ( Chapter 1 )

Save me from myself

By: Anna Hibiki

Rating: NC-17, R in this chapter..

Disclaimers : Weiss is not mine! Koyasu-sama and other people with much more money than me owns it. It they were mine, KenKen and Youji would be together in the series, manga AND merchandising. But no, since it isn't mine, we YoKen fans have to cope with Koyasu's pathetic and manipulative attempts to make everybody think that there's something between RanRan and Ken.

Warnings : Shounen-ai/Yaoi, OCC, angst, lemon in later chapters and horrible spelling.

Notes : Anything written in Italic are thoughts. Things /written this way/ are mental talk.

This fic can be read in my page, mediaminer.org and ff.net.

Ne, minna! I want to thank all the reviewers before you start with the chappie! So, todays big arigatous go to: Misura (arigatoo! *glomp* you'll see what Schu-sama thinks soon..), Pandora81 (*glomps* arigatou!! hope ya like this chappie!), T (*hugs* arigato! Schu loving Crawford? Yeah, that could happen, or not. We still don't know about what he thinks... And well, Aya and Ken can't be together, Aya's dead... but I agree that Ken could have been mistaking crush with love, and now he finds what he does) and Rikkali (arigatou! *glomp* yeah, I can't wait to make Schu know, he'll sure be shocked that KenKen wants something woth him! And other thing is HOW will Ken make the move? *giggles like crazy*)

Chapter 1: Guilt

(Ken's POV)

I saw him! I saw him tonight when we were in our mission. He was with that Crawford man and the psycho. The brat isn't with them anymore. Nagi, Omi said in the last letter he sent us this week, is starting to get all healthy and happy, it seems that our chibi brough him some happyness, but how would I doubt that? Is our Omi we're talking about! He can bring a dead person to life. Well, not exactly but I know what I mean!

Anyway, with Omi out and Aya dead (I thank gods for this..) Weiss is now only Youji and me. We had a few more new members, but all of them were killed by Schwarz.

He killed some of them. I shouldn't say this, but I was happy when he did so, specially that Kurumi bitch. I was there when he killed her, and I did nothing to remedy it. I just kept staring at how beautiful he looked with that look of concentration on his face and the look of pure bliss that appeared there once he killed her, how bright, cruel, and green, there was no trace of blue then in his half closed eyes.

Then, he looked at me. I thought I was going to die in that moment when his eyes bored into mine, a broad grin on his (at least in my dreams) soft lips. "It seems that little Siberian enjoyed the kill even more than I did". He said amusedly.

I felt my cheeks burning in that momment. Had he caught me? I don't know. But luckily, Oracle appeared and dragged him away before I could make myself even more obvious.

K'so! I don't know how much time I'll be able to stand this! It's just too much for me! I can't pretend I love Youji anymore! Is just that.. this is getting unbearable. I feel so guilty, not only for me, but for him...

Shit, we can't even make love normally anymore! Just the thought that it's Youji the one inside me and not Schuldig... I can't even get very turned on with him (and I'm telling you, I've never been with someone as good in bed as Youji is)!

And that makes me even guiltier, since I end up thinking it's Schuldig the one moving inside me, the one whispering things on my ear, the one cleaning me up when we finish, the one saying goodnight when I fall asleep in his arms. And that way I make my beautiful Youji think that it's him who I love.

And I want to. But it's impossible. I just can't stop thinking about him.

Now, to make me feel better, I've been having nightmares the whole night. It's always the same.

First Youji says that he hates me because I played with him, because I did what I hated the most to him. And then he said that Aya had been right when he said after he raped me that I wasn't worth anything, that I was just a little slut to be used like I used others.

Then he looked at me sadly and dissapeared.

And there was Schuldig too, of course.

He always kept on just laughing at me. A cruel laugh. So cruel and full of hate that it made me want to cry.

And it probably did, since when I woke up, my eyes were moist with tears, and Youji was awake, drying them and trying to calm me. Asking why I was like that.

And I did it again.

I lied.

"It's nothing Youji... I just... dreamed of the past and-"

"Baka" he murmured kissing me lightly. "I told you not to think of it.. What happened? You were saying you were sorry baby." he wrapped an arm around me, and with his free hand held my trembling one while he placed soft kisses all over my face. Always so tender...

"Dunno... I can't-"

"It's okay... Why don'y you sleep a little? We have a few hours left. It's too early."

I nodded and kissed his lips, never looking into his eyes, and silently rested my head on his shoulder, a moment after he placed little kisses in the top of my head and whispered nonsense things to me until we both fell asleep.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't, but I needed the warmth. I feel so cold... Sometimes I think I'm even worse than Aya. At least he was honest. Evil and manipulative, but sincere.

I'm not even that.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I.. I need to tell someone. I don't care who, but I need to get this out of myself, or I'll go crazy (I mean I'll go crazier than I already am).

I'm gonna tell Omi. He'll understand.

I hope.

tsu zu ku...

Finally! Chapter 1 done (short but done)! How was it?

Poor KenKen's all confused and guilty, and now he can't even dream properly *kicks nightmares*.

And Yotan's being just kawaii, the poor thing *glomps Yotan-sama*.

Schu... he'll probably appear in next chapter, that won't be anyone's POV (hey! It's tiring to write in First Person!).

So, for next chappie, you can expect some Omi-chan, some more guilty KenKen, more kawaii Yotan, some SchuSchu and more angst!

Now I have to finish writing, "Don't Cry" is waiting for me!

Pliiiiisu leave me a comment!! I want to know what you think about the fic, ideas, or anything you wanna say! It makes me really happy*glomps reviewers*