Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Anti Nostalgic ❯ Part 1, Chapter 5 (Hisoka) ( Chapter 5 )

Title: Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 5)

Author: Elf Asato

Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Tsuzuki

Warnings: Shounen-ai, language, angst, OOC (I'm sure there's a spot or two somewhere)

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. Anti-Nostalgic is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.

Notes: I was having a little trouble with this chapter… Although it's the chapter I've been waiting so long to write, it's so hard because the wording has to be just…right.

Italics are Hisoka's dream and what Hisoka/someone else was thinking/saying when it happened. Er, basically it's sort of the same thing…

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* For more confusion, this just separates different scenes

*~@~* Okay, this is the little divider thingy for the perspectives. It may seem confusing, but if you pay attention and read this, then it won't be ^_^

Everything is written in first person and divided by perspectives…Tatsumi's being the main, but everyone else being little sub-perspectives? And in those little sub-perspectives, the same series of events is told…only from the different perspectives. If you come across a fic or story with a similar setup, please tell me!

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Anti-Nostalgic

By Elf Asato

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Hisoka

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Everything in life is hard. It really is. From the simplest thing as getting up in the morning to choosing between your loved ones wishes and your own desires, life is full of complexities and strife. In between, though, are the simple joys that have come to represent what living is all about.

That morning, even though technically I was dead, I truly felt alive…even if it was incredibly hard to get up - especially when my darling decided to use me as one of his stuffed animals….

The simple joys you experience from time to time make up for a lifetime of pain. Just that one little kiss, that one little hug, that cute little glass flower placed neatly on the dresser…each thing and experience holds so much value because it's something you love, no matter how irrelevant it may be. That love may be the only thing that keeps a person going in life…and the afterlife as well.

But no matter how wonderful everything was, it still didn't make getting out of bed any easier. In the hour I spent trying to persuade Tsuzuki to just let me get up and ready for the day, I must have given at least fifty reasons - all of them countered by something completely illogical from him. It still amazes me how he can be so illogical, but make perfect sense.

Sometimes I think Tsuzuki's the only one who really knows how this universe works.

Anyway, after I finally dragged him out of bed (literally!), we tried to decide on our plans for that afternoon. Tsuzuki absolutely insisted on spending the entire day in bed to get "well rested" for the dance that evening, but I told him that we'd have no "rest" and he knew it. Naturally, he proposed that we try it and see what happens.

Needless to say, our afternoon was largely spent arguing about the most irrelevant things. It amazes me at how the most trivial of things can make a world of a difference to someone and what may be considered one of life's rough spots for some can be a simple joy for others. Our bickering would have stressed and annoyed me days ago, but it was comforting after being…lovers. I guess it assured me that he was still there. I was and still am so paranoid about being happy. It's like you have to work at it to just simply grasp it in your hands and even then you have to stay so focused on it because if you so much as even blink, it would vanish.

So I have to concentrate on loving him and stop being so paranoid about being happy.

But it really shouldn't have to take so much work.

I have to be confident in my love for him because it has to be true…

Can't happiness just come without a price?

I can't waste a good thing - I have to accept and enjoy it…

Doesn't everyone deserve a little joy without having to work for it?

But it's hard…because I know that somewhere in my heart…

Everyone deserves a little happiness…

…Something's wrong.

…No matter who they are.

"Hisoka, you're so quiet…!"

Oh…right…

"Pay attention to me~!"

And he says this with a mischievous smile…cute. "Ah…sorry, I was thinking about something…"

"Oh…uh, Hisoka?"

"Yes?"

"Are you happy?"

What a stupid question. "Of course I am." …But it's so hard…

"Oh good! It makes me happy to know that you're happy! You know, everyone should be happy…they deserve it don't they? They have a right to it."

"…So…everyone has a right to be happy…?"

"Of course!"

Everyone…

…Even me.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

"Oh come on! Let me see how you look!" my partner whined from the other side of the door. Tsuzuki had insisted on us renting tuxedos for the dance he was so excited about…

"Ugh, not yet!" I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom I had locked myself in and looked over my appearance one more time. It's a stupid thing, really… But…it was important to him and I knew I had to make it perfect. I actually looked all right in the tuxedo, even though it was a little awkward. That gave me a little confidence as I unlocked the door and presented myself to him.

He didn't say a word - he just gaped. I read his heart, trying to figure out just what he was thinking, and found him just in complete awe at me. The only thing really running through his head was "how gorgeous" I was.

Does he really think that? "Uh…Tsuzuki…? We kind of need to leave…Tsuzuki!"

"Huh? Oh! Right!" he exclaimed as he finally came to. "You know…you look really, really…wow…"

I had to snicker a little and smile at him. He's so sweet - he really is. "Come on…it'll begin soon."

"Yeah!" he cried out in absolute joy that made me just want to melt. "Hee, I'm so excited because I know I have the best looking partner there!"

"…Yeah right…baka…"

"It's true!"

"Well…I guess that goes the same for me, too…"

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

I had forgotten about my empathy so when I stepped into that ballroom…

"Hisoka! Are you all right? You just…fell!"

"Erm…my empathy…" I muttered, so not feeling good all of a sudden.

I regret saying that because his face and heart both fell. "I'm so sorry! I completely forgot!"

"No, it's okay. It's not your fault. I forgot, too… Er, I guess I didn't expect everyone to be feeling so strongly…"

"We don't have to do this, you know…"

"No, I want to…!" I pleaded, desperately wanting him to be happy with this one thing he enjoyed.

"But your…"

"No, it's fine, Tsuzuki. I'm okay."

"…You sure?"

"Just shut up…"

"Okay… … … …Are you sure…?"

"Augh, just shut up!"

In truth, I felt absolutely terrible. The concern that enveloped him made everyone else's emotions seem so muted…which made me so sick. I really felt like I had to throw up, but I couldn't tell him that.

Maybe if I can quietly sneak away…

"Ah…Hisoka, you're turning green…are you sure-"

"YES, now shut up! …Please!"

"I…I'm really sorry!" he apologized…which, of course, made me feel terrible…

"It's…it's okay, really… I just need to sit down for a little while…" And gently (just like a gentleman!) he led me to a seat, sat me down, and stayed by my side until I told him that he really didn't need to be doing that for me… Of course, he told me that he wanted to, but I felt so bad for ruining his night…

"…Hey, there's a little girl sitting all by herself at that table over there…" I muttered with my excellent powers of observation.

"She looks so lonely… Can't be more than sixteen or so…"

"…Why don't you ask her to dance with you? I'm sure she'd enjoy that."

"What? But…what if her parents…?"

"I'm sure they'd appreciate you helping their daughter have a little fun."

"You're okay with this?"

"Baka, I suggested it to you. Why wouldn't I be?"

"All right!" he exclaimed cheerfully. I had to smile as he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and bounced off. Quickly after I was sure his attention was on the girl, I snuck to the restroom and promptly threw up. Lovely, yes, I know.

Feeling extremely weak after that ordeal, I had a little difficulty getting back to my chair (yes, I claimed it as mine)…until someone helped me along the way….

"Bon…? You…you look absolutely terrible…"

Watari was the last person I wanted to see that night.

"Oh…gee, thanks," I muttered sarcastically as I tried to ignore him and walk on by. This massive wave of nausea stopped me though…

"I…I didn't mean it like that…" he muttered as he gently took my arm to help steady me.

I knew that, and I appreciated the help, but still…

"Ah…actually, I've been wanting to talk to you."

Great. I sodo not feel like talking right now…

"And…if you could find it in your heart to just listen to me, I'd-" he went on, but I couldn't take much more of it.

"Watari, just say what you wanted to say and get on with it," I snapped, my tone harsher than I intended.

"I love you," he blurted out in a panic.

I knew that, of course.

"I…I'll admit, it wasn't love at first sight or anything, but the more I saw of you…"

His emotions didn't surprise me…

"I…I'm really sorry. I know you and Tsuzuki are close and all, but still, I…"

His emotions shouldn't have surprised me…

"I can't seem to get you out of my mind, I really can't. It seems you're all I think about lately…"

And…my knees shouldn't have gone weak like that….

"And…I know I haven't acted like it at all and I've hurt and betrayed you…but I really wanted you to hate me even though I loved you so much. I…I thought it'd be easier for us if you did…but it's only made things harder."

And above all…I did not love him back….

"I know how Tsuzuki feels about you and I keep going around and around in circles about that. I…I feel like I don't even deserve you, but I can't keep my feelings to myself any longer. But…I know you and Tsuzuki…and…I want you to be happy, but still…I want to be happy as well… See? I keep going around in circles!"

…I shouldn't have loved him back.

"So…do…you…?"

Through my swirling thoughts, I thought he was going to ask if I loved him back…but he didn't. He simply asked if I forgave him…and…I think I fell in love. My eyes gently shut as the word "yes" barely escaped my lips in a whisper…but when it did, he lit up and it seemed nothing else mattered anymore. It was just us, standing there in silence…. It wasn't a cold silence like previous times, but…it was like bathing in the sun's warm rays. In that moment, it felt like time had stopped and this was all that mattered. I could tell he felt the same way. Our feelings were very mutual.

From the warmth of his emotions' tender embrace to the softness of his gentle kiss, I-

Kiss?! My eyes flashed open with a startling realization. Kiss…

It truly felt like though we had two separate bodies, we shared one heart. I knew everything I felt, he felt. I knew, in that moment, I truly loved him.

This…this is what love is, right?

"I…I'm sorry!" he apologized quickly, blushing heavily. It was so cute.

"I-it's okay…" I reassured. Yes, I suppose it was very okay.

"Well…ah…thank you very, very much for listening to me, and…I…I meant every word I said. Ah…I'll let you go back to him now…" And with that, he rushed off, still very red in the face.

That must have taken true courage, I thought, feeling very proud of him. I was pleased at how much stronger I felt so I was able to make my way back to the ballroom with ease and confidence. Tsuzuki sat waiting in a chair for me.

I'll let you go back to him now… Watari's words rang in my ear.

"Tsu…Tsuzuki!" I gasped, the recent encounter with Watari flashing before my eyes, my first night with Tsuzuki, that courageous declaration of love…

Suddenly, I felt very, very sick.

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~End of Part 1, Chapter 5~

Another chapter by Elf, Queen of Run-ons! Well…for the longest time, Hisoka had just fainted and was just lying there. No one was helping him until I came along, forced him to wake up, and make Tsuzuki take care of him…but then I felt bad because he threw up…yuck. According to Word, I've spent a grand total of 12+ hours working on this…O.o… And it just occurred to me that Watari kissed Hisoka after he threw up…ew.

Anyway, please pardon Hisoka and Watari's actions, for all you Tsu/Hi fans! And if you're a Watari/Hisoka fan, well…rejoice. Yay. Um…yeah. Hope you enjoyed this "long awaited" (hardly!) chapter!

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