Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Anti Nostalgic ❯ Part 1, Chapter 6 (Hisoka) ( Chapter 6 )

Title: Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 6)

Author: Elf Asato

Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka

Warnings: Shounen-ai, language, ANGST (*waves a big, fat, angst banner around*), OOC

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. Anti-Nostalgic is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.

Notes: Sorry for the long period between this and chapter 5! I promise that once all of Hisoka's parts are done, the rest will be easier to write!

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Anti-Nostalgic

By Elf Asato

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Hisoka

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If things weren't screwed up already, I made them ten times worse. First off, Tsuzuki increases his flirting with me, then Watari invades on my privacy, and I can't even sort my feelings for the two of them. Then Tsuzuki tries to take a step further than just flirting, but chokes…but then again actually succeeds in winning me over after a while. After a few days at being at the hotel, we find that Watari is there, also, for some unknown reason and I still hate him, but he's genuinely sorry. Tsuzuki's acting the "romantic-boyfriend-type-of-thing" with me, which is fine, but then we go to the dance and Watari confesses his feelings for me. How am I supposed to sort my feelings between the two?!

…And not to mention, my feelings don't even seem like my own at times.

Just what exactly am I supposed to do?! This question kept running through my mind as I went back to Tsuzuki, who was kindly waiting for me after finishing his dance with the girl. I tried to act like nothing happened - no guilty looks or glances around. I didn't think he knew and was grateful for what I thought was his obliviousness, but that didn't diminish that horrible hole that was eating away at my heart.

The dance played out without any incidence and the more I was with him, the more I felt that Tsuzuki didn't know and that I was just fine as long as he didn't know.

Once we were back at our hotel room, I changed the water in the marigold's vase that lived on a small table in our room and was about to change out of my suit when Tsuzuki asked, without conviction, "Naa…Hisoka?"

"Yeah?" I replied, sitting down on one of our beds, just itching to get this suit off one way or another…

Without his usual childlike manner, nor his hidden romantic one, he…calmly made his way to my side on the bed. As he wrapped his arms around me in a little hug, I was surprised - even though he normally has shields up around me to protect the both of us, I can still feel something…

But as he held me, I felt absolutely nothing.

He kissed my cheek gently and said softly, "…I love you."

I turned to face him happily, all to ready to say "I love you" back, but the words stopped just short of my tongue and it hit me.

Without his emotions seeping into mine, I can't honestly say that.

It was like I had a revelation: I was completely right in that feeling that the emotions I felt weren't my own; they were other strong emotions felt by someone else seeping into my own.

I guess something was revealed in my eyes because Tsuzuki gently let go of me and stood up with a sigh, pacing around the room as if he was deeply thinking about something.

At that moment, I cursed that abnormality I'd been born with.

He stopped his pacing and just stood with his back to me, staring at the wall. "…You could have just told me that you didn't feel the same way," he said simply.

I had nothing to say. I hated it so much because it was my fault, but what worse for me was that I couldn't feel Tsuzuki at all. Looking down at my feet in embarrassment, shame, and guilt, I felt like a horrible person for unintentionally leading him on like that. Tsuzuki by nature was an extremely fragile person under that playful exterior.

This is going to be bad…

"Well?" he asked after a few moments silence, "Was it fun toying with me?"

"Tsuzuki, I didn't mean-!" I blurted out as I lifted my eyes to reach him, but my breath caught as he turned around sharply.

At that instant, he must have lost control of that wall he'd set up because for a brief second, I felt everything he was feeling. …It didn't enlighten me in any way or make matters better. In fact, it made them worse…because he felt like his heart had been shattered.

Quickly, though, he resumed control and ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. "Of course you didn't. Why should you?" Sarcasm laced his voice and it just made me want to scream or do anything to let out my frustration with the world.

"Tsuzuki," I tried to explain before he interrupted me.

"No, no, no," he said in calmly, as if brushing off the whole thing, "You couldn't have known if you were really in love or not anyway. You're just sixteen. What do you know about love anyway?"

That royally pissed me off. "Tsuzuki," I blurt out as I stood up angrily, "justbecause I'm stuck at the eternal age of sixteen means absolutely nothingwhen it comes to love! And besides, this isn't entirely my fault! You're to blame as well-"

"I'm to blame for loving you in the first place," Tsuzuki spat out, making the two of us even more upset than we were before.

"You're to blame for forcing your emotions on me!" I angrily continued, raising my voice in the process. "How can I tell my true emotions when yourskeeps masking them?!"

His breath caught and his eyes were wide when it registered to him what I had said.

"But…" I truthfully stated, as if to comfort his bleeding heart, "there were times when my emotions were my own. When I genuinely loved you without your help."

His eyes seemed to soften…but it unnerved me when he looked even more hurt than before. Painfully, he looked to the side and sighed, "…If you loved me…then why did you kiss him?"

My throat went dry and I felt my heart constrict, "…What?"

He scoffed, just as angry and hurt, if not more, than he was before, "Don't act like you don't know. I saw you and Watari kissing…"

My mouth gaped open, hoping intelligent words would come out, but they didn't.

"What, I suppose that was your empathy getting confused again?" Tsuzuki continued, almost in derision.

"Y-yes," I muttered, knowing that it didn't make things any better. "But Tsuzuki-!"

"But what?!" he snapped…and I felt the pain he was going through, the betrayal, the heartache. I felt absolutely worthless just by making him feel that way.

If I had known things were going to end up like this, I would have rejected him a long time ago…

"…I really was falling for you…even before you told me how you felt."

He looked at me for a couple of seconds, but then turned away. "…Please don't toy with my heart anymore."

"I'm not toying! I'm serious!"

My partner sighed as he slowly sank to his knees, his voice wavering, "I don't care. …I…I don't want to love you anymore…please."

I could tell he was close to tears - as for me…well, I was already there.

"…Tsuzuki," I whispered as a single tear ran down my cheek.

"I mean, what am I supposed to do?!" he burst out loudly with his back to me, clutching his head. "Since I unintentionally forced my emotions onto you…it's like…it's almost like an emotional rape? Is…is that what it is? Dammit, I don't even know what to do! I don't think I've felt this horrible in my life!"

I…I don't want him to feel like this. It's not his fault - it's mine… "Tsuzuki, it's not your fault-"

He wouldn't be persuaded. "God, I should have seen that you didn't want to be with me! …But no…dammit, am I reallythat selfish of a bastard to not even consider you?!" he yelled, this time more angry at himself than he was me.

"Tsuzuki, don't!" I protested, not wanting him to go on, "…You're not - that's not - that's not the way it was!"

"I've hurt you without you even realizing it! Of course this is how it was!" he exclaimed as he slammed his fist down on the small table next to him…onto the marigold vase…

Which shattered on impact.

"Tsuzuki!" I cried out, more worried about him than anything. I tried to rush to his side, but he stopped me by getting up.

"Just…just leave me alone," he sighed, pushing me away as his hand already began to heal.

"But Tsuzuki-"

"Don't you get it?!" he cried out suddenly. "I don't want anythingto do with you now!"

"…Wha…t…?" I said softly and slowly, as if in a daze as he stormed out of the room.

I've never seen him like this… Was he serious?!

Just the thought of Tsuzuki no longer loving me sent me into tears. I hadn't cried like that in so long, but I couldn't help myself.

This was lonelier than when I was alive.

I felt so weak - I wanted to stop crying, but at the same time, I seriously needed to let it out…

For the first time since our vacation, I took out my journal and started to write…and after that I found some glue in a drawer and started to piece the marigold back together.

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~End of Part 1, Chapter 6~

I wrote this while in a bad mood, which is perfect for what's happening so maybe it'll be conveyed even more… Ooh, melodrama that's not really melodrama, even if it tried… ^_^ v

Believe it or not, the marigold actually symbolizes something. Aah, literary elements! I hate myself now XD

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