Crimson Regret

Part IX: First Cut

Ryou's POV

I feel very depressed right now. Oh well at least there's some drugs for that. Though it's bad I don't care. I've entered the point of no return. I don't really care. It's not like anyone will care for me if I damaged myself. Besides when I was away for a day, Bakura didn't even bother to look for me. I guess that gives me all the more reason to leave this place. By the time I'm dead he'd probably remember me. Pft, bullshit. He'll probably be 'happily' married to Taki and would just forget about me completely because she'll make him forget me. It's okay.

Dammit, I'm being self-absorbed. Maybe I should see what the hell he really thinks of me. God I feel like cutting myself right now. In fact, I'll do that right now. My knives are in short supply this season and kitchen knives are less than perfect but they'll do. When I walked in the kitchen I saw that Bakura was cooking. Okay that's a major surprise. Now how the hell will I get it without him noticing? Oh yeah the sneak past technique. I calmly walked over to where the kitchen knives were. I just had to grab out and say that the tags at the back of my shirt bugged me. As I thought of it the more I couldn't go through with it.

Fine I'll just take it even if he's looking and say my excuse. Yeah that seems good. I walked over and picked one up. I just hoped it wasn't one of those plastic ones I replaced it with before. I seem to forget and I had a hard time damaging myself. Yugi would laugh at such stupidity. I pressed my finger against the cutting end. Yup, it's sharp. I quickly went upstairs to go and self-mutilate like there's no tomorrow. I wondered if he noticed me?

Oh well, there's no point in dwelling on that now. It's not like he didn't notice me before. Back then I was the only one now there's someone else who can make him feel like he's alive again. Maybe looking at me is making him think of the past or something or how he viewed himself before. I guess it's too much painful memories he has to deal with. I'll gladly get rid of myself if that's what it takes to make him happy. You know no matter what he does, I can never hate him. I think I actually loved him or something. Heh, I guess I'm really stupid. I can't think of anything anymore.

I guess I'm the weak one. I'm the one who wants my life to end. People say that suicidal people are weak because they couldn't take life to the fullest and give up to easily. I guess that puts me in that category huh? But you can't blame me; I die willingly unlike the animals who die with no choice. Right? I mean people kill them just for fun and they hunt us to eat. Animals do starve willingly you know.

Ah forget it. I should just rid him of myself right now. Who cares if he calls me a coward or anyone for that matter. It's not like anyone knows me. I wonder what would be more affective, my neck or my wrist?

My wrist. I like to feel the throes of ecstasy as the blood begins to flow out of my body like a red, crimson river. Besides, I don't want my eyes to bug out in surprise as I killed myself. I want to slowly look like I fell asleep.

Oh god this is all bullshit.

I cut right where I should, I think. I wasn't looking because I suddenly felt a little dizzy. Hey, the feeling is back. The rush of adrenaline as my heart pumps and beats faster. There was the red liquid clouding my vision. Now I'm feeling tired. I struggled to stay conscious. I think I'm still going to be alive after this. I tried to grasp the knife again but my body felt a little weak since I didn't eat anything today and its already night. I've been doing things that made me not realize that I haven't eaten.

I looked towards the door as it burst open. Is that Bakura?

I couldn't think anymore as I blacked out in reality and mind.

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Bakura's POV

Ra dammit I feel like strangling him. I sighed as I waited in the stupid hospital lobby for him. Most of this is my fault. If only I had barged in sooner. Or stopped him when I saw him get the knife. Dammit, but I had no idea he'd be doing this again. I thought he'd gotten out of that state already. Maybe he was hanging with the pharaoh's hikari again. I saw the both of them once talking together most of the time. Yeah this must be Yugi's fault. Maybe he was the one who was doing it and he decided to let Ryou into it again.

I sighed. There's no use in blaming him. Yami would just yell in my face and tell me Ryou was the one who decided to do it himself. That, I couldn't deny. Maybe he did want to do it. When I heard him say he didn't need me I wasn't surprised. The doctor came in. I listened to him.

"He's doing fine. Though if this continues on by self-mutilating then he might actually go through with the suicide attempt. I suggest that you let him see a psychiatrist," the doctor explained. A shrink? Oh Ra I could imagine Ryou's voice now. I had to contain myself from laughing. I saw that he needed an answer.

"Um…I guess if that's what it takes," I answered. Though I know Ryou's in his right mind I guess it wouldn't hurt to see a shrink.

"Alright I'll ask one know and give you appointments when I get them. You may visit him now since he's awake."

I nodded and walked to the room. I forgot which one it was. Ah, I'll find it somehow, I think. Someone could really get lost in a hospital.

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Ryou's POV

Damn Bakura, damn Yugi, damn doctors, damn people, damn everything!

If only I did this sooner then maybe Bakura wouldn't barge in and save my worthless carcass. I know he wants me dead. He just saved me so he wouldn't feel guilty. I thought he would never feel guilty if I just out of the blue get killed. At least he wouldn't before when he had his own body but couldn't go into the outside world because he couldn't and said he wouldn't associate himself with other weaklings like me.

Hey, would you still hate me if I always thought negative?

If you don't know what I mean, I mean that I'm always saying the bad parts to everything like relationships, which I think is totally worthless because it's nothing to pass the time with, females most of the time dumps the guy because it's a one-time thing and the guy dumps the girl because he found someone else and she starts crying because she thought they were in love with each other. Bullshit! Okay forget I said that. Anyways there's one example or maybe me hating the world. It's only fair that if I hate someone then I have to hate everything. Besides it takes more energy to love than hate. It's just like giving a piece a candy to someone and if someone else notices and asks then everyone will, which you have to give everyone.

Stupid excuse ain't it?

Ah, who cares. It's not like anyone really does care what you say. They only take it into consideration if they find it important, as an asset or something to grudge against. It's amazing what you can let out and people manipulate it into what they want. Selfish people.

I looked towards the door as it opened slowly. Pft, if he wanted to come in he should've just barged in like he did when I was probably going to wake up to another shitty day except look paler than normal. Can't help it, naturally born that way. I sighed in annoyance as he was taking his precious time.

"Look if you want to come in then come in. If not then close the door, you're letting all the cold air out." I said. Though it was already cold outside I still like the AC. Bakura walked in and closed the door. I lied back down and pulled the covers over my head. I didn't want to talk to him. He might lecture me about hanging out too much with Yugi. Heh, I wouldn't be surprised. It was silent for a moment.

"Ryou?" Bakura called me. I sighed in relief that we weren't going to be in this tense silence. I sat up and turned to look at him. But before I could face him a fist connected to my cheek. Shit that hurt! I opened my eyes and glared at him.

"What the hell was that for?!" I exclaimed.

"For being stupid." I stared at him dumbfounded.

"For being stupid?" I stated bored.

"Yeah for being stupid, that I'm assigning you to a shrink." He said. You've got to be kidding me. There is no way I'm going to go see a psychiatrist. I placed a hand over my closed eyes and began to laugh a little until it turned out into a full out laughter. I clutched at the sheets as tears spilled from my eyes from laughing so hard. I can feel Bakura stare at me annoyed.

"Heh, heh, you're…letting me…see…a…shrink?! I didn't know you knew what a shrink was," I said and began laughing again. After about another five minutes, I think, I calmed myself down and wiped the tears that managed to escape.

"I don't believe that you're going to let someone try to solve my problems while they can't solve their own and they always think their patients are crazy because they're not really listening." I said.

"Yes, well, since you like to toy with my mind I think you'll enjoy tormenting them even more." Bakura said.

"Heh, tell me something Bakura, why did you approve of the doctor letting me see a shrink?"

"I don't know, it just seemed like a good idea at the time."

I sighed and made a move to stand. I stood and walked over in front of him. I looked up at him while he looked at me. I smiled and pulled his face down a little while I pulled myself up.

"You know, everything you do, I can't seem to hate you. It just made me love you even more." I said and tiptoed pressing my lips on his. He started to kiss back. I wrapped my arms around his neck while he took control. Damn I hate him just for making me feel like I have to live. Just for him to betray me over and over again. Always making up in the end. I hate that.

I heard a gasp. We both stopped as we looked at the nurse standing at the door blushing like crazy. She stuttered in her speech before she went out the door and closed it. I forced myself not to laugh. I dislodged myself from Bakura's arms and went back into the bed.

"Can you sign me out? These doctors that don't know shit about depression are driving me mad." I stated.

"Sure, get dressed," he said tossing me my clothes which hit me on the face. I glared and took the pillow throwing it towards him making hit him behind the head. He turned and threw the pillow back at me. I attempted to do the same but it hit the door missing him by one inch.

Is it just me, or is Bakura acting out of character today?

TBC----------------------------

Kinshin: Wow, you people love your happy endings. I could do an alternate ending but no ideas. Maybe if I'm able to I'll do both but in the mean time it seems like happy endings are overrating sad ones so happy ending it is. So people keep voting of what ending you wish!

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