Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Before there were Band-aides ❯ Inside the heartache ( Chapter 4 )

Renard: Ok, ya, I'm back with another chapter. Thank you so much for reviewing, I love y'all so much lol.

Yusuke: *still bound and gagged* mawf huhi muh mo ha ehers (translation: stop sucking up to the readers)

Renard: No, no I will not. I want to let the readers know that I appreciate them…and well…ya catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Yusuke: mats eharhed. Hmm mouffh heehmf ma moad mide hof ha marnf (translation: that's retarded. You couldn't catch the broad side of a barn)

Renard: Yusuke, that made no sense what so ever. No duh I couldn't catch the broad side of a barn…IT'S BIGGER THAN ME Y'ASS! Well, all of that aside. It's time for the first disclaimer and warning of this story. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, if I did, I wouldn't be waisting my time writing fanfics…instead I'd just do something useful and come up with a new plot line. Ok, don't make any comments…haha. Anyway, my only warnings are swearing, stupidity, and oocness. I do try…

Yusuke: muff ooo huff (but you suck)

Renard: Thanks for the support. Onward read.

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So…they proceeded to tell me everything…which happened to be rather boring if you ask me. I couldn't believe they trusted me, but eh whatever. I was told about the most recent case, something about some freaked out demon who was just trying to cause trouble. All the guys had to do was capture him and ta da! Onto more important things for them.

Apparently the reason Kurama ended up crashing through my window was he had been looking in the wrong place for some related something, and the stupid little thing…demon…guy…took advantrage of that and attacked him. I don't know the details, and I don't really care.

Kurama invited me to his house, and I felt bad turning him down. Maybe I just wanted the company…but shhhh, you didn't hear that.

Well anyway, we walked into the house, and Kurama found a note saying that his mom had gone out shopping. I just kind of stood there looking around while Kurama did something in the kitchen. After about five minutes, we were sitting down eating food.

"Well, your little cronies certainly are an interesting bunch aren't they? I mean, one of them is butt ugly and a bit over confident, another is just an average teen jerk, and the other is a four foot tall lawn jockey with a forehead problem." Kurama smiled faintly.

"I never thought of it that way before."

"Well, that's what I'm here for, to open your guys eyes and some other useless crap like that." We fell silent. "You know, I still can't believe what I figured out about you and the mini man." I ran my finger over my bottom lip thoughtfully.

"What was that?"

"Oh my god, please don't say you forgot already. Well, I'll tell ya again. With your guys reputations, the fact that you're letting a secret get to you is astonishing. I mean come on, secrets aren't that bad. So the rumor gets out, people are excited about it for a while, but then poof it dies down. It's not that big a deal." I don't really think Kurama appreciated that much…

"There are much higher stakes that come with the information we have." He answered, not removing his gaze from his food.

"Ok, so a small group of people gets a little weirded out by it, it's not like they're any less the target because they now know what the rest of the world has known forever. And don't give me the "well they're more aware of it" junk…I've heard it before and I don't need to hear it again." Kurama was silenced. A nice little victory for me, score one for the home team!

"Tell me something."

"Ya sure, why not."

"Why were you committing suicide?" I froze. My gaze had inadvertently fallen on the white bandages around my wrists, where the blood was now brown and smeared. This had been on his mind ever since this had started, I could tell. Kurama didn't strike me as the kind of person to randomly ask something unless it had a purpose or it had been bothering him. This had no purpose…so the second option was the only one left.

"Ok." I said standing. My whole demeanor had changed, I knew he could feel it. He watched me as I circled him, my arms folded across my stomach. "Haven't you ever just wanted to die? Had a moment where everything in this world gangs up on you, and no matter how hard you try to stop it, it simply wont? Things go wrong, and spiral out of control. Things get to the point where bearing the pain, and the pressure all at once is no longer an option, and no matter how many people you tell, how many people tell you otherwise, you can't let it go. It's like this thought of death over life harasses you until finally, you obey." I drew a shaky breath, watching him out of the corner of my eye. He could understand, how could he live through what he has, and possibly not understand?

"I spent a long time thinking, and out of the few people in this world that actually cared if I did this, they were the ones who helped the least. I couldn't stand looking at them everyday, knowing that they knew things about me that I hadn't even grasped myself. Knowing that everything about them was so unflawed, while I was so demented, living in a dream world created out of insecurity and hate. It was all that hostility, all of those pent up feelings that I wanted to escape. Not to mention our screwed up world. I don't want to live in a place, where the world is expected of you, and you can't give it. I can't take seeing all these expectations, and knowing that I've failed to meet each one." I was nearly in tears. I couldn't even look at him any more; instead I found safety in the window, rather what was outside the window.

"I wanted to die that night Kurama. I wanted to have time to think about everything I was going to leave behind, I wanted time to think fully and deeply, and try to understand everything. That's why I chose a slow death. I didn't want the easy way out." He nodded almost unnoticeably, but I could tell by his hungry eyes that he wasn't ready for me to shut up. Why the hell does he want to hear so much?

"You spend your life trying to save the world. I spend my life trying to escape it. At first I hated you for saving me. I'm sure you did it only because your job is to save people…but it couldn't even have looked like an accident." I sighed again. He finally seemed to understand, and I could feel him preparing to let me stop, trying to find his words. "You should have just let me die. It wouldn't have been at your hands, but my knife."

Silence. It was emotionless silence, pure silence. I could hear his quiet breaths, I could hear the fabric of his clothes shifting as he moved slightly. He was evaluating my words. I was looking back over what I had said as well. I have never told anyone anything. Sure I had told the only three people who actually cared that I existed that life sucked and stuff like that. I had never actually taken those raw emotions and put them to words for real. It felt right, especially since they were in his hands now too.

Kurama didn't speak for a long long time. I think both of us felt like there was something here that would be broken if we dared to disrupt the silence. A lot of people can't stand silence, but I knew that silence was the only way to end chaos. Ten seconds of silence can replace you, even if barely, back to a normal state of mind in which everything is normal and fine. Silence allows you to dream, and that part of your mind is the only place in the universe where safety truly lives.

He seemed to look at me a lot during that time. I wished I could have heard his thoughts, just to know what he did. I wanted to see myself through some one elses eyes, just once in my pathetic life.

"Pretty nice place you have…here." I commented, finally deciding that the saying was true, "Too much of a good thing pisses people off." Ok, alright, so that was my saying.

"Thank you." He answered, out of courtesy I assumed. Although, isn't that why I said anything in the first place?

"What are you thinking about?" I couldn't help but ask, he himself had asked me to empty out the contents of my mind…why couldn't I ask the same in return?

"I was thinking about what you said." I couldn't tell if the tone in his voice what exactly he wanted it to mean. Every statement has an imbedded meaning, even "Garbled Monkey Dobobblemegeroblinshobi." Ok, maybe not "Garbled Monkey Dobobblemegeroblinshobi" but it was worth a shot.

"Well, are you going to elaborate?"

"I'm not sure exactly how to word what I'm thinking."

"Well, can you at least tell me if what I said was ok or not?"

"What you said made sense."

"That's all you're going to tell me?"

"I'm afraid that's really all I am able to say."

"You're not very helpful you know?"

"I'm sorry." I smiled. He was so sweet, how could you not honestly love him?

"Well, I'll have you know that you weren't the first hero in my history. I've before, and my niece found me. So before you go getting any ideas about how I view you, I just want you to know that I can get help from anywhere." I crossed my arms and place a planned grin that was hard to read on my face.

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Renard: Ok, sorry that got kinda dramatic and sappy…and that the ending was weird, and that Kurama was out of character…and that I don't have many details for the mission…and that I have so many things to say sorry for!

Yusuke: mufmuh! (shut up!)

Renard: You shut up! Iy yi yi, I'm gonna kill that kid soon.

Yusuke: meye earh ma! (I heard that)

Renard: And I don't give a crap. Ok ya, once again, sorry! Hopefully I can pull my act together and make this better. Please review! *gets down on hands and knees and begs*