Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ If the Roses Die ❯ To a Secret ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing Yuu Yuu Hakusho related except for about seven tapes of English dubs, seven DVDs, and one wall scroll.

Part III of the Silver Obsidian series

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To a Secret

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~Kurama~

The news of Hiei's self-confinement still ringing in his ears, Kurama continued his futile attempts to drag himself out of bed. Unfortunately, the strain of launching a full-on Kyuuketsu Shokubutsu was wearing heavily on his body, and he still couldn't talk properly, let alone stand on his own.

Resigned to waiting for himself to recover, Kurama lay against the wall and huffed quietly.

He had been resigned to occupying himself with thought quite often the last few days, he noticed absently.

But his thoughts were droll and boring, and the half of him that was Youko quickly protested.

No mathematics. No sciences. No verbal arts. No school. You know where your mind is going to run in the end, don't you? Why fight it at all? Give in. You like it. You know it.

…I do, don't I?

He could virtually see Youko standing before him, smirking, waving his hand in a taunting goad. I've already admitted my love for him, what more can I give?

You can give me everything I ever wanted, my little friend, but that's hardly the issue here. Is it?

Don't ask questions you know the answer to.

Perhaps.

…What can I do? He's shut himself off from the world and I can't break his walls… I can't save him, so what good am I?

None. I am worthless. I can do nothing useful.

…Can I?

Maybe Hiei would open himself to Kurama where he had opened to no one else. Maybe the love he held for Kurama would let him through. Maybe only Kurama could break through the walls, and he was killing Hiei in his resistant biding.

…But maybe not.

* * * * *

~Hiei~

You will not fool me.

Youko laughed again, a wicked, deep sound. Hiei shivered in spite of himself and Youko smirked.

You see? You quiver at the mere sound of my voice, and at the same time, you hope to become my lover? My mate? Is that what you desire?

Hiei shook his head, turning stubbornly away, his eyes burning in spite of himself. "No, no, no it's not, no, no…"

It is, isn't it? You cannot lie to me. You cannot lie to me who is part of your own mind. You cannot hide your true desires from me. You wish to tame the wild spirit living inside Kurama, do you not? You wish to claim Youko, to make him docile, to own him.

"I do NOT!"

You wish Youko to be your own, and as your own, he shall be under your order, he must respect your desires. And he must break for you.

"NO! Stop saying that, it isn't true!"

It is.

"NO!"

I am Youko, and I am you. I am a perfect balance. I am the Black of your Forbidden soul, and I am the Silver of his brilliant beauty, and I am one and the same, and I know.

"You don't know anything…"

But I do.

"You DON'T!"

Stop fooling yourself, child - you can't hope to understand me. And in your lack of understanding, you have a lack of power. You cannot own me, for you do not know me. Do you not know that every lover I take I discard?

"Of course I know. Do you take me for a fool?"

But, little one, do you know that every one I take - do you know what I tell them?

"You're a liar."

Do you know that I tell them all I love them?

Hiei stumbled back in the tree where he sat, nearly falling, catching himself at the last possible moment. A heated flush rose to his face, but it wasn't embarrassment, or anything of the sort - no, it was anger. A raging fury burning inside of him, the proof of the ages of hatred and betrayal roiling in the pits of his soul.

"I DON'T CARE!" he thundered. "I knew you would betray me when I told you I loved you! I knew I was being stupid! Don't you think I knew?" He took a heaving breath, not daring to look at Youko below him. "But these stupid feelings got in the way of what should have been simply a heated kiss, of making love, of forgetting about it the next day! I hate you! Get out of my head!"

Don't you care, child? I am you, and you are me, and I know… Child, I know you care… Child, you are me, and I am you…and I know…

"But you aren't really him…you can't be… I am not him, and I cannot be him, and if you are a part of me, you cannot be him… No part of me could ever attain his perfection…" Hiei dropped to the ground, and Youko did not flee. "You're lying…"

Youko made no move to leave, but knelt to Hiei's eye level and smiled. Not warmly, but not bitter, either. Something between the two, something even. Something, somehow, unthreatening.

"Maybe you're right, little one, maybe I'm not Youko. Maybe I'm only you. Maybe I'm only a figment of your imagination that you've sent to trick yourself, to make yourself unworthy. Did you ever think of that? Did you ever think of 'maybe?'"

Hiei nodded this time, kneeling to the ground as well and raising Youko even further above him. He shook with unshed tears and silent sobs. Had he been watching, he would have seen Youko's smile go soft.

"It's been nearly seven hours, little one… Do you suppose it's time to wake up?"

Hiei shook his head no, bending over, his forehead pressed against the ground and his arms over his neck. "No…no, I don't ever want to leave… I don't ever want to leave you… No…"

Youko bent over further now, almost to the ground, and slipped his fingers under Hiei's chin, raising his head. The little youkai's cheeks were flushed, his eyes tightly shut and his hands raised over them.

"You'll never leave me, little one. Never. Even if I never love you, I'm a part of you whether you like it or not, and we'll never be apart. You know that, don't you?"

Hiei choked out a response that may have been a yes, or may have been a no. Youko smiled again, even softer this time.

"Come on now, it's time to wake up."

* * * * *

~Kurama~

Regardless of what he could or could not do, he had to try, for his own sake as well as Hiei's. He had to try to reach him. He had to do something.

Carefully, slowly, he dragged his legs over to the edge of the mattress, resting his feet on the floor. His breathing quickened just slightly, and he paused before moving on.

Resting a hand on the floorboards, Kurama raised himself up off the floor, wavering just slightly and bracing himself on the wall. Moving his hand along the flat surface as a blind person might, he guided himself to the door and crossed from "his" room to the one Hiei was supposedly in. Leaning on the doorframe, he gazed in.

Sure enough, there was Hiei, exactly as Yuusuke had said - lying on the floor at a bad angle, his left leg apparently broken.

He instinctively wanted to run to his friend, to kneel beside him and heal him, reset his leg and banish the darkness clearly surrounding him. But that wasn't really an option, was it? Hiei would chase him away, probably, and even if he wouldn't, Kurama wasn't sure he was strong enough yet to reach Hiei, much less heal him.

Hiei stirred slightly and silently murmured a name.

"Kurama…"

Kurama started. He hadn't been mistaken, he was sure - if nothing else, he knew he could always read his name on someone's lips. Did Hiei sense his presence? Was Hiei awake? Or…no, Hiei wasn't awake - perhaps dreaming…? Dreaming of him…?

"Hiei…" he whispered in response. Hiei stirred again. "Are you awake?"

He asked it even when he knew - Hiei was not awake, and Hiei could not hear him.

Dreaming…? Dreaming of him…?

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~Hiei~

"Yes…" he whispered, near silent, now floating in the blackest reaches of his mind. "Yes, it's time to wake up…"

He sighed noiselessly. "Arigatou gozaimasu…Kurama…"

He twitched in his half-sleep.

* * * * *

~Kurama~

He stood watching from the doorframe.

Please, Hiei…please wake up… We need you, Hiei…please wake up…

Hiei twitched.

Kurama prayed.

One crimson eye opened, and Hiei looked over to the door.

"Kurama…?"

* * * * *

Note: early on in the chapter, the ningen side of Kurama isn't talking to Youko- they aren't two separate beings, and I know it. It's more of an inner battle than anything else. Kurama is sort of arguing with himself and one side of the argument takes on Youko's form, as sort of that inner nagging voice that you know is right but can't always listen to, while the other remains his human form, saying what he knows and accepts on the surface.

Note also: Kurama can read lips. This is revealed in the beginning of the Sensui saga. That's how he knew Hiei was speaking his name when Hiei was passed out on the floor.

Note again: sorry for the shortness of the chapter! It was just the right place to end it. I'll get out another as soon as I have free time and an idea.