Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ If the Roses Die ❯ Place Amongst Stars ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing Yuu Yuu Hakusho related except for about seven tapes of English dubs, seven DVDs, and one wall scroll.

Part III of the Silver Obsidian series

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Place Amongst Stars

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~Hiei~

He strained to open one eye, his vision fuzzy and full of blurred masses of color. A tall, slender mass stood before a block of darkness, topped in blue and red, its lower half decked in white. Hiei blinked, and the colors solidified themselves into Kurama standing before an open door, the lights behind him all turned off.

"Kurama…?"

Kurama walked stiffly into the room, kneeling before him and raising a hand over his head. Hiei could make out a hazy, dark glow, and as the colors solidified and his vision returned, he became aware of a pulsing headache echoing throughout his mind. He closed his eyes tightly, even letting out a small whimper as he tried to sit up and found something wrong with one of his legs.

"My - my leg-" he began, trying to move his arm to gesture at the offending limb.

"Shh," came the soft whisper from above him. "It's alright, Hiei. Don't speak. I'm going to try and heal you - but you have to let down your mental barriers, alright? So I can touch you."

That must have been the black glow - Kurama's hand meeting his barriers. But…but that must have hurt, and he had promised himself never to hurt Kurama…

Hiei nodded slightly, pressuring himself to lower the barriers. He felt the familiar tickle flicker, then fade completely, and opened his mouth to speak.

Kurama laid a finger on his lips. "Shh. It's alright. I can touch you. Don't speak. Don't strain."

Hiei nodded again.

He felt Kurama lay his hands on the injured bone, feeling for the break to heal it. A warmth spread through his leg as the familiar red youki seeped into it, resetting the crack and mending it.

"Domo…arigatou, Kurama."

He looked up at Kurama's gentle smile. "Hiei, it's nearly midnight. Do you want to sleep here? Until morning, at least. It would be good for your wound." He rocked back on his heels. "We should both be back up to at least ninety percent with a full night's rest, maybe even one hundred. What with all the sleeping we just did, anyway."

Hiei turned his head a bit and looked around at the unfamiliar room. "Where are we?"

Kurama laughed softly. "Yuusuke's house. You feel save with him around - I know you do, don't try to deny it - and I'm sure they won't sleep until they know you're well."

"Won't they know I'm well when they come in here?"

A shake of Kurama's head negated his question. "They think I'm trying to heal you."

"But you did heal me," Hiei interrupted. Kurama waved a hand passively. "I know that, and so do you, but they think I'm still working at it. They won't want to interrupt me, but they'll stay awake all night, if they have to, waiting for me to come out and tell them how you're doing."

Hiei looked sideways at the floor where he lay. He was so tired, and the offer was tempting… A safe place to sleep off his weary half-powered state, and a friend to sleep in his room…

But that was precisely the problem, wasn't it? No matter how much Kurama promised he was a friend, that Youko would stay dormant, Hiei couldn't help but review the dream over and over, every time he closed his eyes.

You wish to tame the wild spirit living inside Kurama, do you not? You wish to claim Youko, to make him docile, to own him.

It wasn't true, it couldn't be true, and he knew it wasn't. But what Youko had said, what the Youko living inside the deepest reaches of his mind had known…it was too glaring to ignore…

You cannot own me, for you do not know me. Do you not know that every lover I take I discard?

Every lover discarded, thrown away with the trash, banned from his dens, never allowed to return, to even see him again, unless to be killed for something or another… Hiei didn't want to end up like that.

But he knew, if he drew himself too deep into Kurama's world, it would happen, and there was nothing he could do to change it. Youko would take him and use him, make him feel wanted, needed, and return it by throwing him away. He couldn't bear any more pain in his life, not from someone else he loved. Not from Kurama. Not from Youko. For he loved them both, loved them equally; they were one and the same, and he could not love one and hate the other.

But, what the Youko inside him had said, it still haunted his vision every time he closed his eyes…

But, little one, do you know that every one I take - do you know what I tell them?

No, no, I don't, and I don't want to know… I'm happy in my ignorance… I want you to love me, at no price…

Do you know that I tell them all I love them?

It wasn't true, it couldn't be… Kurama was different now… He wouldn't tell Hiei he loved him unless he meant it…

He blinked, and the rest of the vision came to him, bleary and cool…

"Maybe you're right, little one, maybe I'm not Youko. Maybe I'm only you…"

Maybe, maybe, maybe…

"…Did you ever think of 'maybe?'"

Maybe he did, maybe he thought, maybe he knew… Maybe…

Maybe he could sleep in the presence of his friend…

Maybe…

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~Kurama~

Kurama rolled over from his spot on the floor, gazing at Hiei. His prone form lay against the wall, back turned to Kurama, fists clenched tightly by his heart as he panted slightly. His newly healed leg was curled beneath his uninjured one, pulled in against his body. He slept restlessly, tossing slightly, but he did sleep. Sort of…

Kurama nearly wept for him.

Hiei…what are you thinking?

Are you dreaming of me, Hiei?

…Am I frightening you?

Kurama thought, long and hard, dictating a letter to his friend. His best friend, his little youkai no faia, his precious partner, his beautiful Forbidden Child…

I don't mean to scare you, Hiei… I love you far too much to hurt you like that…

You don't believe me, do you? Don't lie, my friend - I can see it in your eyes.

Your beautiful ruby eyes… So elegant, so deep, so pained and yet so beautiful…

You know Youko was - is - a ruthless lover, and you know - you must know, I can't bear to tell you… You know he doesn't ever truly love anyone… Please, Hiei, don't take that wrong… I'm different now, and I love you. Youko loves you too, even if he never admits it - I wouldn't bet that he would, but he - the half of me that is him - he loves you too, and I - all of me - can't handle seeing you hurt.

Please don't hurt me this way, Hiei… I never meant to hurt you… But I don't deserve you, and you deserve so much better than me… You probably think the same of yourself, don't you? You think I deserve better than you, you think I deserve something untainted, something that isn't Forbidden…

Hiei, I don't deserve much. And even if I did, I wouldn't want any of it. I want you. I want you because I love you, not some sleazy hooker trying to pick me up. And Hiei, my friend, even if you are tainted, Forbidden, whatever you may be…maybe I want that, too.

Hiei, I want you.

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~Hiei~

He slept, sort of, turning over and over amidst the images surrounding him. Kurama with his human mother… Kurama with Yuusuke… Kurama with Kuwabara… Kurama with Yukina… Kurama with…with Hiei…

Youko fighting for his life… Youko with Uraurishima… Youko with Karasu… Youko with Sensui… Youko with Kuronue… Youko with Team Urameshi… Youko with Hiei…

Do you know that I tell them all I love them?

Was it true? No, no, it couldn't be. His doubts were overcoming him and banishing all logic and reason. Even so, Kurama hadn't quite said he loved Hiei, not the way he wanted, so it didn't matter.

But what if he did?

That was wishful thinking, absurd thought that he wanted to be true so much that he was beginning to believe it was. Kurama, no matter what he said, didn't love Hiei "that way."

Did he?

No, dammit, no. Stop saying that, he berated himself.

There is a way to find out, you know.

Submersed in his alternate half-reality, Hiei spoke to himself as two different people, and both had the answer. But only one knew it.

I can't. There is no way I will do that to him.

It's the only way to know for sure.

I will not. It could damage him beyond healing.

You would ask first, of course.

That doesn't matter. He can't know all the possible side effects.

You could tell him.

The decision would be rash. He wouldn't think it through enough.

He thinks everything through enough.

But…but I can't… I can't hurt someone else I love…

But you have no other choice.

…I have to…

You do.

I have the power to do it…

You do.

…I can.

Yes.

He would do it. He would probe into Kurama's mind, his very soul, to find the answers he sought. He would use the Jagan, and everything would be all right.

Awareness came slowly and he dragged himself through murky layers of unconsciousness, up towards the light, up towards Kurama.

He woke, and he rolled over.

"Kurama, are you awake?"

Emerald green met ruby red and Kurama smiled.

"Yes."

Hiei took a breath. "Kurama…there is something I must do…to you."