Avatar The Last Airbender Fan Fiction ❯ Tempestuous ❯ Chapter Seven ( Chapter 7 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: YoukaiFate 
Non Anime: Avatar The Last Airbender Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 01.27.2008 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.6K | Visits: 803 | Status: Completed
Non Anime: Avatar The Last Airbender Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 01.27.2008 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.6K | Visits: 803 | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: I do not own any of “Avatar: The Last Air Bender's” characters, etc. This story is for entertainment purposes only.
TEMPESTUOUS
Summary: Ten years have passed since Sozin’s war ended. Alliances must be forged between embittered nations, and Katara must marry to keep stable the peace. But can she ever find love in the arms of an old enemy? (Zutara)
A/N: Thank you again for all the feedback. It’s sparked more plot bunnies than I ever thought hopped. 8D (Fate)
Chapter Seven
I remained quiet, my troubled thoughts turned inward, all the way down the long, steep path to the ships that waited at dock below. A small village of fishermen huddled around the impressive quay. The naturally deep harbor allowed the iron ship---which was no different than any of the others waiting further out---to ride beside the long pier. An incongruous fishing boat held anchor on the other side, its wooden hull overshadowed by the giant iron monster that loomed over it. The wind was chilly down here, the scent of the sea and the stench of dying fish giving me a sudden pang of aching homesickness.
Wrapping my hands around my upper arms, I shivered at the touch of the salty wind and wished for the warm furs of home. The Fire Lord stood not far from us on the dock, speaking with three men in imperial armor. I looked for a gangplank with which to board yet saw none. Instead, there was a simple metal and chain ladder that swayed gently in the wind, clanging lightly against the metal hull. My eyes rose in disbelief, following the ladder up the side to where Iroh waved at the top, standing at his ease on the deck while other guards on either side of him stood stiffly at attention.
Suni let out a rather strangled noise. She was not amused at the expectation that we would climb our way aboard---literally. Captain Shi, handing his bundle over to another soldier, cleared his throat. “My ladies, if you will come this way, we have made other arrangements for you.”
He bowed, and I stared over his folded form as a simple life-boat, attached with chains, was being lowered to the wooden dock for us to use. Sitting inside it, we would then be hoisted up like so much precious cargo.
*I don’t think so.*
Suni returned the captain’s bow, looking very relieved. Her old bones would not have liked scampering up a swaying ladder draped over the side of a ship. I, on the other hand, was not going to be hauled up like I didn’t have two perfectly good hands and feet to get up there myself.
“I’ll climb, thanks,” I said, darting around Suni’s surprised gasp and grasping onto the cool metal rung just above my head. There was a muffled oath behind me as I stepped up, bracing my weight against the swaying motion. Fighting it, I climbed up a few bars before I felt a more solid weight anchoring the fickle ladder beneath me. Glancing down, I saw Zuko’s scowling face looking up, one foot on the bottom rung, hands bracing the chain on either side. Even as I watched, he started climbing, perhaps thinking I would need his help or support. Looking up, I saw Iroh grinning down at me. Hiding a smile, I nimbly scampered up the side of the ship, no stranger to it.
I grasped Iroh’s extended hand with my own, surprised at the strength of it as he helped me up and over the ship’s side. The soldiers in black and red armor saluted as I brushed imaginary dirt from my blue robe, glad that I was wearing pants beneath it. I felt Zuko jumping down beside me. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and his expression looked wry. He nodded to his uncle, than started issuing orders to depart as soon as the last of the men had boarded.
“That was impressive, Lady Katara,” Iroh said, his amber eyes twinkling as he bowed deeply.
Surprised by both his words and the honor he gave me in the depth of his greeting, I returned it, though a bit lower, for I had always respected him.
“Was that not impressive, nephew?” Iroh asked, a brow arched in the Fire Lord’s direction. Zuko ignored him, gesturing to what must be the captain of the ship, for he was a rugged man with the weather-beaten features and wrinkled squint of a man who had stared out to sun and sea for untold years. He unconsciously swayed with the ship’s motion, as did I, feeling the slight surge of the sea beneath us. It was a welcome feeling, a certain grounding to me who had always felt the sea’s push and pull as something so akin as to be one with it.
I breathed deeply, loving the salty tang to the breeze, having missed the damp sting of it on my face in the clean, windswept air of the high mountains. It was chilly, but now not unbearably so. I watched as the rest of the men heaved themselves up the ladder, the last one hauling it up after him and neatly rolling it up to hook it in place with a metal pin.
“There you are, my lady!” Suni stalked out from behind us, her face flushed with irritation as several guards politely made way for her. “We must get you out of this cold. Come---you there,” she pointed at one of the men, “you will lead us to my lady’s quarters---”
I frowned. “Suni---”
“This is your lady-in-waiting? It is an honor to meet you, Lady Yuan Ji.” Iroh neatly inserted himself between us. Bowing with great reverence, he took her age-spotted hand in his.
Suni looked at the old Dragon of the West as if he had grown horns. Snatching her hand back, she said sharply, “It is an honor for you, my lord, but know this---I am not so easily flattered by your legendary charms. I am not so easily swayed by a handsome face and you will not tempt me in the dereliction of my duties to the young Fire Lady.”
Iroh looked slightly disturbed at the notion that he would even dare. Suni, oblivious, sniffed further, “I am not so young as to not know what you are about, my lord! It’s scandalous, it is, and we just met.”
“Er---” Iroh, for once, was caught off guard. I had to cover my mouth with a hand, coughing back a laugh at his rather alarmed expression. It was obvious he had had no intention of flirting with old Suni, but she seemed just as determined that he had.
“Trying already, Uncle?” Zuko came up to us, his eyes glinting in amusement as his uncle flushed.
“Er, um, well, I---” Iroh coughed, embarrassed. Summoning his not-inconsiderable dignity about him, he bowed. “I apologize, madam, if I gave offense.”
“I’m sure,” Suni sniffed, adding, “Though I’ll not be suffering your scandalous attentions again, my lord, with such forbearance. Try as you might, this is one fortress you cannot breach!”
“I’m certain I won’t, madam,” Iroh bowed again and hastily retreated to the relative safety of the forward deck. I didn’t know he could move that fast.
“It is an honor and a privilege to meet you, my lord,” Suni bowed deeply to the Fire Lord. “Suni Yuan Ji of the nor’eastern Yuan Ji. I once served Queen Li Lan of Sheng and am now honored with serving your lady wife. I thank you for coming to my rescue. It was sweet of you to defend one so humble as I.”
I choked.
Everyone turned to stare at me in some concern. I waved them off, coughing a few times to hold back my laughter at their expressions. Zuko gave me a suspicious look before reassuring Suni that it was nothing. Suni colored up like a young girl and giggled.
Giggled!
I coughed again, using a fist to lightly pound my chest as I flushed with holding back my hilarity. Perhaps it was the unreality of the whole situation, but I felt the indescribable urge to lapse into hysterical giggles of my own.
Suni, concerned by my sudden coughing fit, gestured imperially for Captain Shi as she patted my shoulder with touching kindness. “Captain, you will take us to my lady’s quarters. She is not well.”
Bowing a sweeping farewell to the Fire Lord, Suni asked sweetly for his permission to depart. Eying me with a measuring glance, he gave a sharp nod of dismissal even as the ship’s captain approached. I felt his eyes lingering on me as Suni urged me after Captain Shi, the other three bodyguards falling in behind as we left for the base of the ship’s tower, where the stairs led down to the crew’s quarters.
It felt oddly familiar to step inside the sparsely-furnished room that was normally the captain’s cabin. This ship was much like the one we had shanghaied just after the fall of Ba Sing Se back during the war, a rather standard design for the Fire Navy. I had expected something a bit more---well, pompous---but I was glad that it wasn’t.
I shook my head as Suni urged me to take a seat. Instead, I stood staring at the red banner that hung above the bed, the black three-pronged symbol of the Fire Nation dominating its center. Lost in memories, I was barely aware of Suni’s querulous scolds as she ordered someone to fetch us a light luncheon as other men arrived, boxes and bundles in hand. These were deposited by Suni’s whim around the room until she recalled me to the present with a light touch on my arm.
“My lady, lunch has arrived. You must eat something lest your cold grow worse.”
“I don’t have a cold,” I said absently as my stomach growled. The tatami-matted floor throbbed under my feet as the engines engaged. I felt the first surge of the ship’s forward motion as I slipped down beside the low table, kneeling on the low cushion provided for the purpose. Suni settled herself across from me and we were left to dine alone. I was rather hungry, and tucked into the simple fare with far more gusto than the older woman, who ate like the spindly bird she oft-times resembled.
Suni seemed reassured by my appetite, though she sighed over my manners. “Yet another thing I need to teach you---but that can wait. We have other matters to discuss right now, Master Katara, if you are finished.”
“What matters?” I regarded her warily as she took a long sip of her tea.
“Your behavior earlier.”
I choked on my own tea. “W-What?”
Suni pierced me with a black eye. “You’re certain you’re not taken with a chill or fever?”
Coughing, I shook my head, waving her concern aside. “No, no, I’m fine. You just caught me off guard. What did you say?”
“I said,” Suni’s black eyes narrowed suspiciously, “that we need to discuss your behavior earlier.”
“Why?” I demanded, less patient with her lecturing tone than normal.
“Why, you ask? Why? Because you could have started a war with your stupidity back there at the temple! Blessed be, my lady, can you not see what might have happened had his lordship not interfered?”
“Interfered?” My eyes narrowed, my fingers tightening on the thin porcelain cup in my hand. Anger, slow and sullen, curled low in my belly. It did not mix well with my lunch.
“It was lucky you were that the Fire Lord chose to ignore your little whine and took the high road. He, at least, was able to retain his dignity.”
“Really,” I said, heavily sarcastic. Gods, how I hated sarcasm, especially in myself! To be stooping so low---it made me angrier. I had fought for years to keep that lowest part of myself---or what I saw as myself---tightly bound. Anger and venom, hasty words ill-thought and spoken in stung pride, had never done me any good. Rather, they had lent me the opposite and had often led me to bitterness and later shame after I realized what it was I had said or done at the height of my anger. Such anger and pride had led to years of strangeness between my brother and I, wasted what little time I could have spent with my father, and separated me from what had always mattered most to me. I had often lashed out blindly at the things that had hurt me most when I was young, and the cost of that was too high. I had spent years determined not to let my anger and pride best me again, and refused to give in to it now, but damn was it hard, for Suni knew just what hairs to pull.
“You will not take that dry tone with me, young lady. I am only pointing out what you did wrong and the cost such foolishness can bring. I don’t do this for me. I do this for you,” Suni snapped.
“You could be a little nicer about it!” I snapped back, lips tightening to hold back all the other things I wanted to shout at the old crow. I felt the tension inside me, as if I were a cord stretched tight or a storm about to blow.
“Nicer? You want me to be nicer? When your ill-thought actions might see you dead? Is that what you want? For me to be nice and to sugar-coat everything so that it doesn’t sink home that you are walking a knife’s edge of danger? Are you that willfully blind and stupid? I think not, my lady, else I would hardly waste my time!” Suni sneered.
I trembled with the overwhelming fury held inside me. I knew that it was more than just Suni, that it was everything---the tension of the past few weeks, the dizzy confusion of yesterday, the surprising passion of last night, the inattention of my lord in concern of my own feelings, the worry that this would keep on, that he would never give heed my own feelings on anything and everything, the worry that I had made a dreadful mistake and the revelation of the deep pain I had glimpsed, merely glimpsed, in his eyes just after he kissed me. That pain, so fresh, so raw, so deep, so hideously lonely and desperate and aching and blessed spirits---was I even strong enough for it? Had I even seen it? Was I imagining it? Had I imagined it? What was it, why did it affect me so? Why had I felt so heart-wrenched by it? Why did I feel so frightened and fearful that that tortured vulnerability I had seen in him for but one moment and not even sure of that moment was a reflection of something lying deep inside of me, as if he mirrored what lay most hidden in my own heart? I was not that weak. I did not need. I did not need anyone. I was able in myself to take care of myself, able to handle anything and everything. Then why, why did I feel so frightened? Why did I feel so vulnerable and nervous and scared? Why, damn it? Why!
The cup in my hand abruptly shattered, the tea exploding in icy brown crystals that flew everywhere. Suni ducked back away with an alarmed cry, her black eyes widening in fright as the dagger-like shards tinkled around the small table and floor with tiny pings of impact. One grazed my cheek, another my shoulder. My fingers and palm were bleeding sullenly from a dozen small cuts and I could only sit and stare at them, stunned.
I felt empty, dry-eyed and hot with emotion and shame. I closed my eyes, trembling now with that shame and knew how little control I truly had. Master Pakku, he had warned me of this. He had said anger only made one vulnerable to it. My anger made others vulnerable to it, for my wrath was like a tempest unleashed on the innocent, and I never, ever, wanted to hurt anyone by so thoughtless an action of mine, tossing them about as if they were so much sea wrack. I had done it so thoughtlessly in the past, hurting those I loved most---my father, my brother, the only ones I had ever desired not to hurt. My father, bless him, had forgiven me my anger and resentment for his having left us behind all those years ago. My brother, too, had understood, though it was only at Gran-Gran’s death that we had spoken of our bitter parting ten years ago. Though it was not bitter on his part---that had been mine, all mine, thinking that he was leaving me behind, too, as he went off with Suki to forge a new life with her on Kyoshi Island. I had wasted all that time, all those years, in silent anger over it. I had wasted what little time I had had left with my father during that weeks-long voyage as Aang recovered from Azula’s lightening strike beneath Ba Sing Se, and we had never really had another chance, for before I knew it, he was dead, slipping from me like my mother into the mists of time.
A hot tear slipped down my cheek. By the moon, how I missed them, even still. How much I missed them all…
I felt a pair of thin arms enfold me and Suni patted my bowed head with a gentle hand, reminding me of my Gran-Gran, so stolid a presence and shield for so many years and now gone as well to the mists of the afterlife. Something held tight finally broke inside of me, and laying my head on her bony shoulder I sobbed for all the pain and loss I had cost myself over the years, and she held me, crooning softly in her gravelly voice, “There, there, child, all will be well. All will be well, I promise.”
I cried harder, and she let me, her thin fingers smoothing back my hair, which had loosened from its pinned coil to wisp around my neck and ears. I do not know when her words turned from soft reassurance to gentle inference. “There now, child. It will be all right. I did not realize that you had loved him so much.”
“Of course I loved him,” I said brokenly. He was my father and he was gone. What should have been one of my happiest days, my wedding---he should have been there to take part. What comfort he could have given me, what hope and assurance he could have added to calm my fears for the unknown. He had always done that, always put into proper perspective so many things. He had always been my firm anchor in the troubled seas of a child’s uncertainty, as I doubted if I could ever fill the shoes of a woman and mother who had been taken from us all too soon.
“Why did you not say something to him? Why did you not tell him? Silly child, all of this could have been avoided!” Suni scolded me softly.
“What?” I said, taken aback. I blinked up at her, scrubbing the back of my hand across my reddened eyes like a child.
“You could have told him. The Avatar would have understood and you would not now be married to someone else, someone you could never love,” Suni shook her gray head at me, her dark eyes sad.
“But---” I felt an icy chill go down my spine and turned my head to see Zuko standing there in the doorway, staring at us with no expression on his hard features, his eyes like burning coal.
I could only stare at him in stunned surprise, mind blank at the unreality of it.
Turning abruptly, he left, back straight and shoulders set, jaw tight and look forbidding.
Stumbling up to my feet, I blindly ran after.
TEMPESTUOUS
Summary: Ten years have passed since Sozin’s war ended. Alliances must be forged between embittered nations, and Katara must marry to keep stable the peace. But can she ever find love in the arms of an old enemy? (Zutara)
A/N: Thank you again for all the feedback. It’s sparked more plot bunnies than I ever thought hopped. 8D (Fate)
Chapter Seven
I remained quiet, my troubled thoughts turned inward, all the way down the long, steep path to the ships that waited at dock below. A small village of fishermen huddled around the impressive quay. The naturally deep harbor allowed the iron ship---which was no different than any of the others waiting further out---to ride beside the long pier. An incongruous fishing boat held anchor on the other side, its wooden hull overshadowed by the giant iron monster that loomed over it. The wind was chilly down here, the scent of the sea and the stench of dying fish giving me a sudden pang of aching homesickness.
Wrapping my hands around my upper arms, I shivered at the touch of the salty wind and wished for the warm furs of home. The Fire Lord stood not far from us on the dock, speaking with three men in imperial armor. I looked for a gangplank with which to board yet saw none. Instead, there was a simple metal and chain ladder that swayed gently in the wind, clanging lightly against the metal hull. My eyes rose in disbelief, following the ladder up the side to where Iroh waved at the top, standing at his ease on the deck while other guards on either side of him stood stiffly at attention.
Suni let out a rather strangled noise. She was not amused at the expectation that we would climb our way aboard---literally. Captain Shi, handing his bundle over to another soldier, cleared his throat. “My ladies, if you will come this way, we have made other arrangements for you.”
He bowed, and I stared over his folded form as a simple life-boat, attached with chains, was being lowered to the wooden dock for us to use. Sitting inside it, we would then be hoisted up like so much precious cargo.
*I don’t think so.*
Suni returned the captain’s bow, looking very relieved. Her old bones would not have liked scampering up a swaying ladder draped over the side of a ship. I, on the other hand, was not going to be hauled up like I didn’t have two perfectly good hands and feet to get up there myself.
“I’ll climb, thanks,” I said, darting around Suni’s surprised gasp and grasping onto the cool metal rung just above my head. There was a muffled oath behind me as I stepped up, bracing my weight against the swaying motion. Fighting it, I climbed up a few bars before I felt a more solid weight anchoring the fickle ladder beneath me. Glancing down, I saw Zuko’s scowling face looking up, one foot on the bottom rung, hands bracing the chain on either side. Even as I watched, he started climbing, perhaps thinking I would need his help or support. Looking up, I saw Iroh grinning down at me. Hiding a smile, I nimbly scampered up the side of the ship, no stranger to it.
I grasped Iroh’s extended hand with my own, surprised at the strength of it as he helped me up and over the ship’s side. The soldiers in black and red armor saluted as I brushed imaginary dirt from my blue robe, glad that I was wearing pants beneath it. I felt Zuko jumping down beside me. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and his expression looked wry. He nodded to his uncle, than started issuing orders to depart as soon as the last of the men had boarded.
“That was impressive, Lady Katara,” Iroh said, his amber eyes twinkling as he bowed deeply.
Surprised by both his words and the honor he gave me in the depth of his greeting, I returned it, though a bit lower, for I had always respected him.
“Was that not impressive, nephew?” Iroh asked, a brow arched in the Fire Lord’s direction. Zuko ignored him, gesturing to what must be the captain of the ship, for he was a rugged man with the weather-beaten features and wrinkled squint of a man who had stared out to sun and sea for untold years. He unconsciously swayed with the ship’s motion, as did I, feeling the slight surge of the sea beneath us. It was a welcome feeling, a certain grounding to me who had always felt the sea’s push and pull as something so akin as to be one with it.
I breathed deeply, loving the salty tang to the breeze, having missed the damp sting of it on my face in the clean, windswept air of the high mountains. It was chilly, but now not unbearably so. I watched as the rest of the men heaved themselves up the ladder, the last one hauling it up after him and neatly rolling it up to hook it in place with a metal pin.
“There you are, my lady!” Suni stalked out from behind us, her face flushed with irritation as several guards politely made way for her. “We must get you out of this cold. Come---you there,” she pointed at one of the men, “you will lead us to my lady’s quarters---”
I frowned. “Suni---”
“This is your lady-in-waiting? It is an honor to meet you, Lady Yuan Ji.” Iroh neatly inserted himself between us. Bowing with great reverence, he took her age-spotted hand in his.
Suni looked at the old Dragon of the West as if he had grown horns. Snatching her hand back, she said sharply, “It is an honor for you, my lord, but know this---I am not so easily flattered by your legendary charms. I am not so easily swayed by a handsome face and you will not tempt me in the dereliction of my duties to the young Fire Lady.”
Iroh looked slightly disturbed at the notion that he would even dare. Suni, oblivious, sniffed further, “I am not so young as to not know what you are about, my lord! It’s scandalous, it is, and we just met.”
“Er---” Iroh, for once, was caught off guard. I had to cover my mouth with a hand, coughing back a laugh at his rather alarmed expression. It was obvious he had had no intention of flirting with old Suni, but she seemed just as determined that he had.
“Trying already, Uncle?” Zuko came up to us, his eyes glinting in amusement as his uncle flushed.
“Er, um, well, I---” Iroh coughed, embarrassed. Summoning his not-inconsiderable dignity about him, he bowed. “I apologize, madam, if I gave offense.”
“I’m sure,” Suni sniffed, adding, “Though I’ll not be suffering your scandalous attentions again, my lord, with such forbearance. Try as you might, this is one fortress you cannot breach!”
“I’m certain I won’t, madam,” Iroh bowed again and hastily retreated to the relative safety of the forward deck. I didn’t know he could move that fast.
“It is an honor and a privilege to meet you, my lord,” Suni bowed deeply to the Fire Lord. “Suni Yuan Ji of the nor’eastern Yuan Ji. I once served Queen Li Lan of Sheng and am now honored with serving your lady wife. I thank you for coming to my rescue. It was sweet of you to defend one so humble as I.”
I choked.
Everyone turned to stare at me in some concern. I waved them off, coughing a few times to hold back my laughter at their expressions. Zuko gave me a suspicious look before reassuring Suni that it was nothing. Suni colored up like a young girl and giggled.
Giggled!
I coughed again, using a fist to lightly pound my chest as I flushed with holding back my hilarity. Perhaps it was the unreality of the whole situation, but I felt the indescribable urge to lapse into hysterical giggles of my own.
Suni, concerned by my sudden coughing fit, gestured imperially for Captain Shi as she patted my shoulder with touching kindness. “Captain, you will take us to my lady’s quarters. She is not well.”
Bowing a sweeping farewell to the Fire Lord, Suni asked sweetly for his permission to depart. Eying me with a measuring glance, he gave a sharp nod of dismissal even as the ship’s captain approached. I felt his eyes lingering on me as Suni urged me after Captain Shi, the other three bodyguards falling in behind as we left for the base of the ship’s tower, where the stairs led down to the crew’s quarters.
It felt oddly familiar to step inside the sparsely-furnished room that was normally the captain’s cabin. This ship was much like the one we had shanghaied just after the fall of Ba Sing Se back during the war, a rather standard design for the Fire Navy. I had expected something a bit more---well, pompous---but I was glad that it wasn’t.
I shook my head as Suni urged me to take a seat. Instead, I stood staring at the red banner that hung above the bed, the black three-pronged symbol of the Fire Nation dominating its center. Lost in memories, I was barely aware of Suni’s querulous scolds as she ordered someone to fetch us a light luncheon as other men arrived, boxes and bundles in hand. These were deposited by Suni’s whim around the room until she recalled me to the present with a light touch on my arm.
“My lady, lunch has arrived. You must eat something lest your cold grow worse.”
“I don’t have a cold,” I said absently as my stomach growled. The tatami-matted floor throbbed under my feet as the engines engaged. I felt the first surge of the ship’s forward motion as I slipped down beside the low table, kneeling on the low cushion provided for the purpose. Suni settled herself across from me and we were left to dine alone. I was rather hungry, and tucked into the simple fare with far more gusto than the older woman, who ate like the spindly bird she oft-times resembled.
Suni seemed reassured by my appetite, though she sighed over my manners. “Yet another thing I need to teach you---but that can wait. We have other matters to discuss right now, Master Katara, if you are finished.”
“What matters?” I regarded her warily as she took a long sip of her tea.
“Your behavior earlier.”
I choked on my own tea. “W-What?”
Suni pierced me with a black eye. “You’re certain you’re not taken with a chill or fever?”
Coughing, I shook my head, waving her concern aside. “No, no, I’m fine. You just caught me off guard. What did you say?”
“I said,” Suni’s black eyes narrowed suspiciously, “that we need to discuss your behavior earlier.”
“Why?” I demanded, less patient with her lecturing tone than normal.
“Why, you ask? Why? Because you could have started a war with your stupidity back there at the temple! Blessed be, my lady, can you not see what might have happened had his lordship not interfered?”
“Interfered?” My eyes narrowed, my fingers tightening on the thin porcelain cup in my hand. Anger, slow and sullen, curled low in my belly. It did not mix well with my lunch.
“It was lucky you were that the Fire Lord chose to ignore your little whine and took the high road. He, at least, was able to retain his dignity.”
“Really,” I said, heavily sarcastic. Gods, how I hated sarcasm, especially in myself! To be stooping so low---it made me angrier. I had fought for years to keep that lowest part of myself---or what I saw as myself---tightly bound. Anger and venom, hasty words ill-thought and spoken in stung pride, had never done me any good. Rather, they had lent me the opposite and had often led me to bitterness and later shame after I realized what it was I had said or done at the height of my anger. Such anger and pride had led to years of strangeness between my brother and I, wasted what little time I could have spent with my father, and separated me from what had always mattered most to me. I had often lashed out blindly at the things that had hurt me most when I was young, and the cost of that was too high. I had spent years determined not to let my anger and pride best me again, and refused to give in to it now, but damn was it hard, for Suni knew just what hairs to pull.
“You will not take that dry tone with me, young lady. I am only pointing out what you did wrong and the cost such foolishness can bring. I don’t do this for me. I do this for you,” Suni snapped.
“You could be a little nicer about it!” I snapped back, lips tightening to hold back all the other things I wanted to shout at the old crow. I felt the tension inside me, as if I were a cord stretched tight or a storm about to blow.
“Nicer? You want me to be nicer? When your ill-thought actions might see you dead? Is that what you want? For me to be nice and to sugar-coat everything so that it doesn’t sink home that you are walking a knife’s edge of danger? Are you that willfully blind and stupid? I think not, my lady, else I would hardly waste my time!” Suni sneered.
I trembled with the overwhelming fury held inside me. I knew that it was more than just Suni, that it was everything---the tension of the past few weeks, the dizzy confusion of yesterday, the surprising passion of last night, the inattention of my lord in concern of my own feelings, the worry that this would keep on, that he would never give heed my own feelings on anything and everything, the worry that I had made a dreadful mistake and the revelation of the deep pain I had glimpsed, merely glimpsed, in his eyes just after he kissed me. That pain, so fresh, so raw, so deep, so hideously lonely and desperate and aching and blessed spirits---was I even strong enough for it? Had I even seen it? Was I imagining it? Had I imagined it? What was it, why did it affect me so? Why had I felt so heart-wrenched by it? Why did I feel so frightened and fearful that that tortured vulnerability I had seen in him for but one moment and not even sure of that moment was a reflection of something lying deep inside of me, as if he mirrored what lay most hidden in my own heart? I was not that weak. I did not need. I did not need anyone. I was able in myself to take care of myself, able to handle anything and everything. Then why, why did I feel so frightened? Why did I feel so vulnerable and nervous and scared? Why, damn it? Why!
The cup in my hand abruptly shattered, the tea exploding in icy brown crystals that flew everywhere. Suni ducked back away with an alarmed cry, her black eyes widening in fright as the dagger-like shards tinkled around the small table and floor with tiny pings of impact. One grazed my cheek, another my shoulder. My fingers and palm were bleeding sullenly from a dozen small cuts and I could only sit and stare at them, stunned.
I felt empty, dry-eyed and hot with emotion and shame. I closed my eyes, trembling now with that shame and knew how little control I truly had. Master Pakku, he had warned me of this. He had said anger only made one vulnerable to it. My anger made others vulnerable to it, for my wrath was like a tempest unleashed on the innocent, and I never, ever, wanted to hurt anyone by so thoughtless an action of mine, tossing them about as if they were so much sea wrack. I had done it so thoughtlessly in the past, hurting those I loved most---my father, my brother, the only ones I had ever desired not to hurt. My father, bless him, had forgiven me my anger and resentment for his having left us behind all those years ago. My brother, too, had understood, though it was only at Gran-Gran’s death that we had spoken of our bitter parting ten years ago. Though it was not bitter on his part---that had been mine, all mine, thinking that he was leaving me behind, too, as he went off with Suki to forge a new life with her on Kyoshi Island. I had wasted all that time, all those years, in silent anger over it. I had wasted what little time I had had left with my father during that weeks-long voyage as Aang recovered from Azula’s lightening strike beneath Ba Sing Se, and we had never really had another chance, for before I knew it, he was dead, slipping from me like my mother into the mists of time.
A hot tear slipped down my cheek. By the moon, how I missed them, even still. How much I missed them all…
I felt a pair of thin arms enfold me and Suni patted my bowed head with a gentle hand, reminding me of my Gran-Gran, so stolid a presence and shield for so many years and now gone as well to the mists of the afterlife. Something held tight finally broke inside of me, and laying my head on her bony shoulder I sobbed for all the pain and loss I had cost myself over the years, and she held me, crooning softly in her gravelly voice, “There, there, child, all will be well. All will be well, I promise.”
I cried harder, and she let me, her thin fingers smoothing back my hair, which had loosened from its pinned coil to wisp around my neck and ears. I do not know when her words turned from soft reassurance to gentle inference. “There now, child. It will be all right. I did not realize that you had loved him so much.”
“Of course I loved him,” I said brokenly. He was my father and he was gone. What should have been one of my happiest days, my wedding---he should have been there to take part. What comfort he could have given me, what hope and assurance he could have added to calm my fears for the unknown. He had always done that, always put into proper perspective so many things. He had always been my firm anchor in the troubled seas of a child’s uncertainty, as I doubted if I could ever fill the shoes of a woman and mother who had been taken from us all too soon.
“Why did you not say something to him? Why did you not tell him? Silly child, all of this could have been avoided!” Suni scolded me softly.
“What?” I said, taken aback. I blinked up at her, scrubbing the back of my hand across my reddened eyes like a child.
“You could have told him. The Avatar would have understood and you would not now be married to someone else, someone you could never love,” Suni shook her gray head at me, her dark eyes sad.
“But---” I felt an icy chill go down my spine and turned my head to see Zuko standing there in the doorway, staring at us with no expression on his hard features, his eyes like burning coal.
I could only stare at him in stunned surprise, mind blank at the unreality of it.
Turning abruptly, he left, back straight and shoulders set, jaw tight and look forbidding.
Stumbling up to my feet, I blindly ran after.