Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ For the Love of a Child ❯ Chapter 10 ( Chapter 9 )

"For the Love of a Child"

Disclaimers: I don't own DBZ, I'm just borrowing it's characters. And at this point I'm not sure Toriyama could recognize some of them.

*Chapter 10*

The moon shone full and heavy through my window and seemed to mock me where I lay. True to my promise I'd stopped using the gravity machine to beat myself into slumber. Of course this meant I wasn't getting much sleep. Tonight was especially bad, I couldn't stop remembering and the room seemed filled with the voices of my past. The memory of my screams as dad disappeared before my eyes seemed to echo around the room.

Today, Goten asked me to teach him how to fly. I know it's a reasonable request but I don't want to. I don't want him to grow up. I want him to stay five forever. But it's like I told Bulma, we all have to grow up sometime. I just never realized how hard it would be to let go. I see myself holding him while standing over our mother's grave. I remember when he said his first word. I remember him sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor with his hair full of peanut butter, one hand in the jar. His first steps into my arms. The first time he turned Super Saiyan. I remember it all.

I'm afraid for him, going out into the world, and I'm afraid for me, that I'll lose him. If I grant him his wings to fly free, what if he never comes back? I couldn't bear that. When he's gone all I'll have left is the cold. I'll truly be alone. He's the only one that warms the space where my soul use to be. Once he's gone I'll have no reason to continue. Piccolo said he found new reasons each day to live. I don't want to. I never wanted to stay, the pain and anger, too unbearable. But then I held Goten in my arms and everything changed. He wormed his way inside me and touched a part I thought was gone long ago. He helped me cope. I gave up thoughts to kill myself. I had to protect him. For Goten, I managed to pick up the pieces and move on. I managed to get up in the morning and eat, to go out and make a home for us. I managed to put aside my rage and hurt so I could care for this child in the way he deserved.

I know I'm going to have to let him go. With each day he gets older, learns to make more decisions on his own. It's so hard though.

My body is shaking and I realize the choking feeling is back in my throat.

Alone. Alone. Alone.

I can hear Cell laughing in my head. I see in my mind, dad smile sadly at me, he looks so disappointed.

Alone. Alone. Alone.

My eyes are burning now and I curl up into a ball and press my fists to them. What's wrong with me? Suddenly I feel as though I'm outside looking down on myself crouched in the bed. I look so lonely in the middle of my bed and suddenly I realize how young I am. Look at me, so young and alone lying there. I can see Goten, he's older, around twelve and he's eating at a table. Then he's a teenager around seventeen and he's waving goodbye to me. I see myself, sitting at my desk listening to the emptiness of the house and I drop my head into my hands.

A strange sound breaks the silence and I'm back, huddled in my bed. I realize the strange sound is me and I'm sobbing. I can't seem to stop shaking and I bury my face in my pillow to hide the sound. I can taste the salty tears as they run down my face. Goten. God, he's leaving me. I'm alone. I gasp as a stab of pain catches me in the chest. I hurt. God how I hurt.

"No." I moan. "God no."

Suddenly I feel arms around me and somebody is pulling me to them, holding me close.

"It's alright Gohan. Let it go. It's ok to let it go." I recognize the deep voice as Piccolo. I shudder and bury my face in his chest as another deep sob wracks my body.

"It hurts. Make it stop. Please make it stop. I'm sorry. I'm so alone. Please no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I can't seem to see through the pain and hurt. The world has turned dark and heavy and I'm falling. From somewhere far away I can hear Piccolo's voice but I don't understand what he's saying. I want him to stop talking and let me fall. The darkness comes closer and I move toward it. Faintly I hear a new voice. It seems familiar, important.

"Daddy."

The voice continues to call.

"Daddy."

Where have I heard this voice? Daddy. I remember a daddy. Images of warm hands and a wide smile. No, that person's dead. He's gone now, he doesn't want to be my daddy anymore. The voice is still calling though. That voice. Something...a name floats across my thoughts.

Goten.

Daddy.

Goten.

Daddy.

I remember.

Suddenly I'm not falling, but flying up. I feel arms holding me, rocking me. Something is stroking my face, wiping away the tears that are making tracks down my cheeks. Goten. It's Goten. I realize where I am and what I'm doing. Sitting in my bed sobbing like a baby. Goten is staring at me eyes wide and I stiffen. What am I doing? I try to push away from Piccolo, I have to stop this. I try to choke back the tears and sobs.

"Sorry, Goten. Bad dream, hey even grownups have nightmares huh?" I try to laugh but it comes out as another sob and Piccolo tightens his grip around me.

"No Gohan. Not this time, you can't lie this time." Piccolo shifts and cradles me closer to him. "It's alright to grieve. You don't have to be strong all the time. You haven't allowed yourself this have you? You've been holding it all in. Everybody has to grieve Gohan. It's ok. Just let it go."

Something seems to snap inside me. A moan starts to build deep in my chest and I try to hold onto it, to keep it inside. I feel as if something is going to explode in my chest, the pressure increasing. Then it seems to break loose and I just can't hold it in any longer. With a wail I turn and bury my face in Piccolo's shoulder and let the tears fall. I don't know how long I sat there, crying away all my years of hurt, anger, betrayal, sorrow and guilt. I don't know. I just remember the feeling of arms around me. And then I slept.

TBC

*Well <cough> I'm not entirely sure where this came from. Guess it's been a long time in coming. I didn't start the chapter with the intention of writing this scene, it just sort of appeared on my screen. Well, I did say I had a tendency to write angst. And I know...it's dreadfully short, I'm sorry. But after finishing that last sentence, I just couldn't write anymore to it. The chapter just felt finished. But I promise to update sooner to make up for it. Expect a new update sooner than a week. Scouts honor.*