Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ For the Love of a Child ❯ Chapter 11 ( Chapter 10 )

"For the Love of a Child"

Disclaimer: See previous chapters where I explain I don't get paid to do this and I don't own the characters.

*Chapter 11*

It was the sunlight that woke me up. I slowly opened my eyes and then I realized there was something heavy resting on my chest. I tipped my head slightly and couldn't help but smile, Goten was sprawled out on top of me, his hands tightly clutching my arm.

"Welcome back to the land of the living."

I looked over and found Piccolo propping up the doorway, arms crossed in front of him.

"He wouldn't leave you know."

I blinked at Piccolo stupidly and then realized he was talking about Goten. Bringing my free arm up, careful not to wake him, I gently brushed my fingers through his hair.

"I shouldn't have let that happen. Last night. He should never have to see stuff like that, I probably scared him to death." I spoke softly hoping Piccolo would just go away and let me put back the pieces I'd let fall apart.

"Gohan, you did nothing wrong last night. You've been trying to be strong for so damn long you never let yourself heal. It's alright to grieve. It's alright to let go once in awhile. You don't have to be strong all the time."

"You're wrong. I do. I have to protect him Piccolo. I promised I would protect him. I promised I'd never let anything happen to him. I promised to keep him happy."

"You can't keep the world away from him Gohan. You can't protect him from everything."

I could feel my chest tighten and tears were threatening to leak down my face. What the hell was wrong with me?

"No! I have to. I promised! He's everything I'm not. Don't you understand? That's why I'm here!" The tears had spilled and were making tracks down my face. I tried to stop the words coming out of my mouth but they refused to cooperate.

"Why are you here, Gohan?" Piccolo asked softly.

"To take away his pain! To insure his place in life. I'll take all of his hurts away and hold them for him. I'll hold them all so he doesn't have to! I've already committed my crimes. I'm unforgiven Piccolo! Don't you see? But it's ok, I can fix it. I'll make things good for Goten. I promise I'll fix it all. I'll go to hell so he can be free!"

Piccolo stared at me for a moment. "Oh Gohan..." Then he was across the room and his arms were around me. "Oh kid, how did it get to this? That you would think..." He didn't finish, he just rocked me in his arms like a child.

I didn't understand. I didn't understand any of this. When Goten stirred in my arms I latched onto him as the one thing I did understand. He was my focus, he was what grounded me. By the time he opened his eyes I'd wiped away the tears and pushed Piccolo away. He just looked sadly at me and sighed.

"I'll be in the other room." With another shake of his head he walked out of the bedroom.

After he left, I looked down at Goten and found him watching me closely.

"Morning little man." I smiled at him and gently ruffled his hair.

"Are you still sad daddy?"

He was looking at me with such an earnest expression I almost started crying all over again. Instead I picked him up and carried us over to the window and stood there for a moment holding Goten to my chest and trying to think of what to tell him. He was worried, I could tell. So what I needed to do first was relieve that worry.

"No kiddo, I'm not still sad. I...I'm fine."

I needed to distract him so he would forget. Tossing him up in the air and catching him I spun us around before pretending to get dizzy and collapsed on the bed.

Laughing he crawled up and laid his head down on my chest, ear pressed to my heartbeat.

"I love you Daddy."

I could feel him tapping his fingers in rhythm with the beats of my heart. Drawing a shaky breath I wrapped my arms around him and held him close.

"I love you too Goten."

If I didn't do something soon I was going to start crying and frighten Goten all over again. Grabbing him up with my hands I flipped us over and started tickling him. Leaning down I pretended to chew on his arm, making growling noises while he squirmed and squealed with laughter.

"I love you so much I'm going to have to eat you all up! Mmmmm, Goten Son for breakfast..."

"Dad!" He laughed and twisted under me. Looking at me with wide mischievous eyes he powered up to Super Saiyan and tried to crawl out from where I had him gently pinned with my fingers.

"Oh so that's the way you want it then? That's ok, I always preferred my Goten's golden brown." I chuckled and swooped him up tipping him upside down and holding him by the ankle with one hand while I continued to tickle him.

"Dad...." He gasped between laughs. "Get you!" And then he gathered up his energy so he wasn't hanging upside down so much as floating upside down.

Laughing I paused for a moment and looked down at him. "Oh yeah? So now what are you going to do?"

"This!" He managed to use my moments pause to twist up and around before throwing himself at my chest and latching his arms around my neck.

"Gotcha!" He chuckled and then planted a wet kiss on my cheek.

"Ahhh! He's got me! My breakfast has turned on me! Help!" I staggered us around the room before lurching out the bedroom door. Staggering down the hall I continued to moan.

"I'm done for. This is the end, so long fair world!" With one final dramatic gasp, somewhat ruined by Goten's peals of laughter, I collapsed on the floor in the middle of the hall. Goten's giggles, if possible seemed to increase and I looked up to find myself staring into Piccolo's slightly amused face peering down at me. Goten gave up and rolled off me to collapsed on the floor, still laughing.

"I was going to ask if you wanted breakfast but apparently you've made your own arrangements." Piccolo commented dryly.

I glared at him, though I'm not sure how intimidating a look it was considering I was lying on my back staring at him upside down.

"You tell anyone and I'll have to kill you."

Piccolo smirked down at me. "Wouldn't dream of it."

He offered me his hand and hauled me to my feet. I stood there for a moment not sure what to say. Finally I just settled on a grunt and headed toward the kitchen. "Come on Goten, I'll see what I can do about breakfast." He yelled enthusiastically and took off at a run. I followed behind when Piccolo's voice called me back.

"Gohan."

I turned and gave him a questioning look, eyebrow raised.

"I know Goten is important to you, but you can't keep running away from the real problem. How long are you going to push away your own needs for the sake of someone else?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "We are not having this conversation."

With a final glare at Piccolo I turned away and headed off after Goten.

------

He thinks I'm going to leave again but I won't. I've made so many mistakes with Gohan and the biggest was allowing him to walk away from everything after his parents died. I thought a little space was all he needed, a little time to get his head and heart around all that had happened. He was so strong, always bouncing back from whatever force had knocked him down. I just assumed he would bounce back from this as well. I guess everybody has their limits and more fool me for not realizing when Gohan had reached his.

It worries me the way he's able to push away his own pain and suffering. It's rather frightening how easily he ignored the anguish he was in this morning, as soon as Goten woke up it was as if a totally different person was standing in the room. The only thing that didn't change was his eyes. The joy he caused in Goten didn't reflect in his eyes. Gohan's hurting so bad, he probably doesn't even remember what it feels like to live without that pain.

I always knew he blamed himself for the death of Goku but I had no idea he'd twisted it around in his head so that now he thinks he deserves all this suffering.

`I'll go to hell so he can be free.'

When he whispered that, clutching Goten to him, I thought my heart would break right there.

We get so caught up in how strong Gohan is, how smart, how reliable, how responsible. We all forgot that he was only twelve when he walked away from us all. A twelve year old left to cope with the death of his father and mother. He believes he's unworthy. Unforgiven. That beautiful bright boy believes he's some kind of monster damned for his sins.

I'd kill Goku if he wasn't dead already.

How could he leave Gohan behind like that? How could Chi Chi? They probably assumed he would be taken care by all of their friends. But friends aren't family and family was what Gohan needed. No wonder he thinks he's unforgiven. He was left behind. It must have seemed to him to be the ultimate punishment.

Dear God. I really will kill Goku. Even if I have to go to the after life to do it.

For most people death is just a part of the way life works. People die, time moves on, one learns to cope. But Goku is special. He's always been special. He was given choices. He was offered a choice between life with his family and life without his family. He willingly chose to leave Gohan. I can only wonder at what was going through Gohan's mind as he stood there and listened to Goku deny him. Deny him a life. Deny him forgiveness. Unforgiven.

Gohan thinks Goku blames him and left him as punishment. Unforgiven. Damn. I'm amazed Gohan has turned out as well as he has. If I had been in his position I probably would have left Goten. But he didn't. It's that strength of his showing through again.

This is truly unacceptable. I failed Gohan all these years, I won't fail him anymore. Goku will be held accountable for this, even if I have to go fetch the damn man myself.

-------

He's still here. It's been a week now and Piccolo is still here. I can't figure him out. He chose to leave me alone for all this time, why has he suddenly decided to pop back into my life? I decided to confront him about it one day after I delivered Goten to school.

I found Piccolo doing his meditating thing on the other side of the balcony. It was rather disconcerting to see him hovering next to the deck railing like that, legs crossed under him.

I propped myself against the doorframe and folded my arms in front. "Why are you here?"

He opened his eyes to look at me for a moment and then smirked. "I've noticed you do that a lot."

I blinked at him in surprise and then looked down. My stance. I'd unconsciously been doing it for years and just now realized where I got it from. Piccolo. I snorted and moved away from the door to throw myself in a deck chair.

"I want to know why you're here. Why now after all this time."

He didn't move from his spot where he hovered but he tipped his head in my direction.

"I messed up and now I'm trying to remedy the situation."

"What do you mean?"

He sighed and stretched, coming out of the position fluidly like a cat and then settled in the chair across from me.

"I should never have left you alone for as long as I did. I didn't realize how bad things really were."

I snorted angrily. "Things are just fine."

"Oh really? When's the last time you allowed yourself a little moment to grieve for the ones you loved? When's the last time you cried?"

"What do you call all that wet garbage that went on the other night?"

"Aside from that one time Gohan."

I scowled at him and slumped further into the chair. "What is this Piccolo, some kind of Namekian therapy session?"

He chuckled quietly. "Maybe."

"Well Dr. Piccolo, the service sucks and I'm not paying. You're fired."

He chuckled again and shook his head. "It doesn't work that way kid, you can't fire me."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh really? And why is that?"

"Because I care about you, and unlike some people, I'm not leaving."

I sucked in my breath. "That was a low blow Piccolo and you know it."

"Gohan, your father was a great fighter who held no equal. He was also a good man with a large heart. But when it came to you he was an idiot. I may love Goku but that doesn't mean I have to approve of all of the decisions he made, especially regarding you."

"That's sweet Piccolo, are you going somewhere with this or is this one of those touchy feely, father-son moments a guy has after he reaches a certain age?"

Piccolo blew out his breath in exasperation. "When did you grow up and become such a smart ass?" He growled.

"Piccolo, you're not my father. I don't need you to sit down and parent me. I don't need this from anyone."

"Damn it Gohan, I'm not trying to replace your father."

"That's good," I shot back, "because I don't need one. Goten and I are doing just fine. What more do you people want from me? Six years Piccolo, six years I've managed; built my life and protected Goten. Now suddenly you decide to show up. I'm not twelve and I don't need you."

"So why does the thought of Goten growing up scare you so bad you broke down for the first time in six years? You can't hide from me Gohan, I was there. I heard what you said as you lay there hurting. Those were the true thoughts of your heart Gohan, not this snowball bullshit you feed to the rest of the world."

Piccolo was up out of his chair and in my face shaking me by the collar.

"There is a lot of stuff going on in that head of yours that you've buried so deep you don't even recognize it when you cry it out to the night."

I jerked away from his grip and stood up, turning my back on him to stare out across the ocean.

"Just leave me alone Piccolo. Go back to the lookout, resume your life. Just leave me alone."

"I've been leaving you alone for too long now Gohan."

"So what, you think you can just pop back into my life and make everything better?" I didn't turn around but I could hear him grinding his teeth.

"No, but I can be here to remind you that you aren't alone. I made a mistake six years ago when I let you walk away. A terrible injustice to you has been allowed to grow for far too long."

"Oh spare me. You see me have one bad night and now you're wracked with guilt. Well I absolve you. No problems. Now you can leave."

"What, leave you here to continue thinking you have no life other than Goten? Allow you to believe that nobody loves you or cares enough to stick around? You got hurt kid, all those years ago, Goku hurt you so bad when he walked away that you don't give anyone the chance to do that to you again."

I turned around to stare at Piccolo, I don't think I'd ever seen him this angry, to the point where he was yelling and waving his arms around. He saw me turn and look and seemed to calm down. Gazing at me he dropped back into the chair and put his head in his hands.

"You have no idea how much it hurts me to see you like this Gohan. You are so very special but you won't believe it."

I snorted and addressed the waves crashing below me. "Hey man, so I'm a little screwed up, nobody's perfect."

I could practically feel Piccolo scowling at my back. "No Gohan you're wrong. You are perfect and none of this is your fault. You are just as cherished as Goten, kid, and it's about time you started realizing that." There was a pause and I glanced over my shoulder and saw his gaze turned inward for a moment and then he seemed to give a sigh of relief. "It's about damn time."

I started to demand he explain his cryptic remarks when I suddenly sensed something coming. Something I hadn't sensed in a long time. And then it was there. I didn't dare breath, not believing in what I would find when I turned around to face the door. What was Piccolo trying to pull? I couldn't resist the need to turn and see though, I felt the spirit tugging at my awareness.

I turned around slowly not believing the presence I felt in the room. That spirit. It was a ghost from the past. Warm, tinted gold, laughter mixed with joy covering a core of steel. It couldn't be. I looked up and stared into eyes as dark as mine, a grin I use to share. This couldn't be.

"Hello son."

Dad.

I stared at his face and shook my head.

"No." I whispered. "No, it can't be."

Something grabbed my chest and burned. I stared at his smiling face and couldn't stop the pain in my chest. It tore at me, tore at my body, pressing to be released. I felt as if I was being consumed.

"No!" I moaned. The world turned grey with flashes of white bursts. As the world faded to black I heard somebody scream and just before all disappeared I realized it was me.

"Bastard!"

Then all was cold and black and I felt no more pain.

TBC

*Hehe...I know pretty evil place to end the chapter. Hey, and you guys doubted me when I promised to have this chapter out sooner than a week. I hope you enjoyed it and it was long enough for you all. Well I've been thinking about poor Gohan and decided this is really the only way to help the guy. I've messed him up so bad I wasn't sure I was going to be able to fix him. Hopefully this will help. Thanks for all the reviews, I wouldn't get these out so fast without all of you encouragements!*