Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ For the Love of a Child ❯ Chapter 13 ( Chapter 12 )

"For the Love of a Child"

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own DBZ or any thing related, nor am I making any profit off this. `Sides I'm not so sure I want to own Goku, he's been a bit of a bastard, ne? Goten on the other hand... *chuckle* Oh yeah, almost forgot. I pinched a line from Everclear's Wonderful. Couldn't resist. *wicked grin*

*Chapter 13*

Goten and I were stretched out on the floor of my study, building a castle out of legos when dad showed up again later that afternoon. I had decided to keep Goten home for the day, feeling the need to keep him close to me, a solid thing to believe in amongst all this insanity. Besides, it had shaken him up a bit when he arrived home from school to find me passed out in bed. Damn. Isn't that exactly why I stopped beating myself up in the gravity room? So he wouldn't ever have to see me like that?

Ironic really, I'd sworn to never repeat the mistakes my father made and instead I seem to be making a whole new set of my own. Isn't that just the way it goes.

I had figured Piccolo would talk to dad after that conversation from hell in the kitchen this morning so it didn't really surprise me too much when there was a knock on the door and he stuck his head in. His eyes widened when he saw Goten and he slowly crouched down to the floor next to where he played. I moved back to the desk to give them a little room. I watched for the moment, willing to let Goten handle this new presence. I had never hidden his parentage from him, it was just one of those things that didn't seem to matter. I was the one who cared for him, loved him, kept him safe. When you're six its hard to imagine the world any bigger than your daily existence.

He looked up finally from his building and studied dad.

"Hello."

Dad smiled slowly and scooted a little closer.

"Hi. You must be Goten."

"Yep." Goten watched for a moment longer, I could see the question forming in his mind and almost chuckled when he did ask.

"Are you a ghost?"

Dad looked surprised and then picked up one of the lego pieces. "Why do you ask that?"

Goten grinned. "Cause Daddy showed me your picture once and said you were dead."

Dad seemed to think about that for a moment and then slowly nodded his head.

"Well I guess I'm sort of a ghost. You're right, I am dead, but you can still touch me and stuff."

"Hmmm." Goten nodded and put a couple more pieces together finishing a wall and then settled back on his heels.

"So how come you're here? Did you come to haunt us?"

I smirked a little at the shock on dad's face and waited to see what he'd say.

"Well, I thought...that is, Piccolo asked...umm...I don't really know." He shrugged finally.

Goten was silent for a moment and then grinned. "You should talk to my dad then."

Dad raised his eyebrows in surprise and looked up at me. "Why's that?"

Goten grinned even bigger and laughed. "Cause my dad knows everything!"

I couldn't help but smirk a little at that statement. Chalk one up for me, score- Gohan: one, Goku: zero. I knew it was a little petty but it's nice to know that at least Goten thinks I'm doing alright.

Dad, to my surprise, looked a little sad at Goten's comment and watched me from his spot on the floor. "Oh yeah? I bet he's a really good dad too." He looked over at Goten and smiled. "Does he take you fishing?"

Goten nodded and pointed out the window. "We go out sometimes and go swimming with the dolphins and stuff, and once there was even an orca whale! I drew a picture of it afterward and dad put it on the fridge."

I watched the two on the floor, practically mirror images of each other and wondered briefly what Goten's life would have been like if I hadn't let Cell take my father away. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts I looked over and smiled at Goten.

"Hey kiddo, why don't you go see if you can find Piccolo. Tell him that I said since he seems so determined to stick around, he can make dinner tonight."

Goten giggled and jumped up flashing dad a grin. "Ok. Maybe he'll let me help too!" He stopped mid-charge out the door to turn back to dad who was still sitting on the floor. "Nice meeting you Mr. Ghost!" And then he was gone, a blur of black hair down the hall.

I let the smile on my face disappear and the cold expression settle back over my features. Dad sighed and stood up to lean against my desk.

"You don't smile very much anymore."

"I fail to see how that is any of your business." I chose to ignore him and turned to click on my computer.

"He's a pretty amazing kid, isn't he?" There was wonder in his voice and I looked at him sharply.

"Don't get any ideas. You gave up all rights to him the day you decided to give up your family. You're dead, remember?"

"Hey, I'm dead but I'm still around!"

"Yeah, just like you've been around all these six years. Don't give me that crap. Just stay away from him. I refuse to have you suddenly come back into his life now that you know he exists, you'll only hurt him. He doesn't need that. And he definitely doesn't need you."

"You're mother would have a thing or two to say about your language."

"Well she's not here is she? Oh that's right, she decided to leave too. Huh."

Dad studied me for a moment and then shook his head slightly. "Piccolo was right, I really did mess things up pretty bad didn't I?"

I just stared at him, wondering where he was going with this.

"I'm sorry I haven't been here for you. But you seem to be doing a great job, I always knew you were strong. I should have paid more attention to you all this time, I just got caught up in training and then your mom..."

I narrowed my eyes at him and he stopped for a moment, rubbing a hand through his hair.

"Gohan, you know I love you, I always will. I wish you wouldn't be so angry. I can't fix things if you don't give me the chance."

I was up and around the desk in a flash, fists clenched at my side to keep myself from punching him through the wall. The world seemed to burn red as I grit my teeth together and snarled at the man I use to admire more than anything.

"How dare you think you can just waltz in here all smiles and make things better. You left me. You basically announced to the world that you didn't want to be my dad anymore, and mom certainly doesn't seem to care all that much about Goten."

He put his hands on my shoulders as if to calm me, I jerked away, growling at him.

"Where were you? Where were you all those times I needed you the most? Where were you when I was alone and trying to figure out what to do? Where were you then?"

I was furious, and pushed away from him. "You think you can make it up now? All that time lost? No. It doesn't work that way. Can I ever get back my childhood, my innocence? No! And you have the nerve to stand here and tell me you want to fix things. Go to hell."

He looked as if I'd punched him in the gut but I didn't care. Good, I hope the bastard felt really bad. How could he think that after all this time he could just suddenly pretend that everything was alright? How could he act like my life didn't change the instant he chose to leave? All these years I've known that everything was my fault and that I could never be forgiven, so why was he here now, pretending that everything was fine? It left me feeling unsure and shaky. I felt vulnerable and I didn't like it.

A bit of some lyrics from an old song I'd heard floated through my head. `Some days I hate everything, every one and everything, so please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.'

I knew I was lashing out at him but it was either swear at the man or collapse at his feet and beg forgiveness and I wasn't quite up to demeaning myself that far. I knew I owed him an apology, hell I owed the man my life but I couldn't seem to get it past the anger choking my throat.

For the past six years I've survived, living with the single minded pursuit that everything was for Goten and his well being. Now after all this time, I'm being given my own chance to try again and yet I can't seem to get past my rage. I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know this man in front of me, I would probably always feel guilt and betrayal in association with him. I wanted to at least apologize but I didn't know how. I wanted to try again but was afraid of getting hurt. I wanted a second chance even though I knew it was too late. My anger turned to sorrow and I backed away from him, from the man I craved acceptance from but dared not ask.

Instead I went back to my chair and slumped down, dropping my head in my hands.

"What do you want from me?"

I didn't look at him, wanting to hide my betrayal and bitterness. I didn't want him to know how much he had hurt me. I didn't want to look weak before him and I knew if he looked into my eyes he would see it all there.

There was a soft sigh and I felt his hand rest on top of my head, fingers gently combing my hair and I felt my eyes burn and tried to force down the memories his gesture brought back to my mind. Memories of a time when I felt secure and took comfort in his presence. When I believed he was the bravest man, strongest man, and best dad in the whole world.

"Gohan, look at me."

I didn't and instead asked again, "What do you want from me? Why are you here?"

His hand left my head and I felt the ghost of the little boy I use to be cry inside me from the loss. This was dangerous. Letting dad get this close to me, making me feel things I shouldn't feel, was a very bad idea. We were playing a game I knew I would lose. I felt anger swell inside me and I latched on to it, letting it build. Using my anger I was able to shove away my moment of weakness and look up at him glaring.

His face crumbled into one of deep sorrow and he stepped back letting his arm drop to his side.

"I don't know what I want Gohan. You're right, I thought I could come here for a visit and things would be just the way I remembered them. I thought you would be happy to see me and we could talk about what you have been doing all these years. I didn't know about Goten, I don't know why your mother didn't tell me. I can't make everything better."

I wanted to stay angry with him forever. If I was angry I wouldn't have to feel hurt and guilty.

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to pretend it didn't hurt when you chose to leave me behind? Do you want me to pretend to be happy now that you've come for a visit? You would never have come if Piccolo hadn't dragged you down here. Do I mean that little to you?"

He shook his head and tried to reach out toward me but I ignored his hand.

"I caused your death and you're never coming back. I deserve whatever happens to me and I got over that a long time ago. You coming here doesn't achieve anything. It's not going to bring back mom or you or the last six years. It's just going to remind everyone had badly I screwed up."

He tried to reach out for me again but I stood up, backing away. He watched me sadly for a moment and then stepped back a space himself.

"So there isn't a place for me in your life anymore Gohan?"

I balled my hands into fists and scowled, hating the look on his face and hating myself for what I was doing.

"Your dead. You have no place in my life anymore, you gave it up six years ago."

He watched me for a moment and then nodded slowly, deep sorrow etched on his face.

"I'll go then. It was good seeing you Gohan. Tell Goten..." He stopped for a moment and then smiled sadly. "Nah, never mind. You just take care."

I watched silently as he turned and walked away. Watched as the little boy screamed in my head. He was leaving me behind again. All these years I've played that day over and over in my mind. Things I should have done and said and now it's happening all over again. He's walking out of my life and I'll never get to see him again. My dad.

I felt my world tip and I no longer knew what I should be feeling. Rage, scorn, and pity; these were all emotions I could understand and fuel. But what I felt now confused me. I looked at him, ashamed to find myself no longer angry but begging him for something I couldn't name.

I was watching his back, watching him disappear again, and suddenly, I broke inside. I couldn't do this again. I couldn't leave the words unsaid this time.

"I never got to say I was sorry. After you left I promised everything. I promised to be good forever if you would just come back. You never let me say I was sorry. I was bad I know. I messed up and you died and it was all my fault. I know. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I made you angry and made you go away. I'm sorry I made mom cry. And I never got to tell mom sorry either. She just left me. I was bad and so she left me."

He turned around to look at me but I couldn't read his expression. I wasn't really aware of what I was saying anymore, I was fighting back sobs and my mind kept telling me I was twelve years old again and my father was leaving. I had another chance though, he hadn't left yet and maybe if I apologized he wouldn't leave me. Maybe I still had time.

"I won't mess up again Dad, I promise. I'm really sorry I let Cell win, I'm sorry I got arrogant and messed up the fight. Don't go Daddy. Please don't leave me. Please Daddy. Please don't go."

I could feel the tears on my face and heard the terror in my voice. I couldn't see the room anymore, my eyes were blurred and I thought for a moment I was back on the lookout listening to him say goodbye.

"Oh no, Gohan, I'm the one who's sorry."

I felt warm then and secure and realized he was holding me and sending waves of his energy into me, assuring me like he use to that he was there and I was safe. I fought the feeling, I knew it wasn't real. He had left and I never got to make that apology, whatever this was, it wasn't real.

"Gohan, listen to me. Please kiddo, listen to me. I love you so much and I never meant for you to hurt this bad. I can't change what happened but you must know that it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry it had to be this way. I'm sorry you felt the need to come out here alone. I wish things could have been different."

I choked on my tears and struggled in his arms but he held me tight and rocked me to him.

"Gohan, it wasn't your fault. You weren't bad. God I'm so sorry. All this time you thought you were being punished? It wasn't your fault, you did great against Cell, I was so proud of you on that day. I'm still proud of you."

I wasn't listening, his words seemed to flow around me, wrapped up in my pain and anger. The little boy screamed and cried and fought to keep this illusion of security.

"Don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me alone. I'm scared. I don't know what to do." I realized the little boy had escaped where I'd kept him locked tightly away and couldn't stop his cries.

"Please daddy don't leave me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Gohan. It's ok. Son. I'm right here. I've got you."

The little boy quieted, remembering that voice and taking comfort. He allowed himself to be cradled. I felt him relax and all the barriers I'd placed around myself and my pain seemed to relax with him. Dad was here. I felt his arms and his strength and stopped struggling. I felt his heart beat and his energy. I was losing control and was afraid, but his voice assured me that I was safe. I felt everything collapse inside me and my control gave out.

"Dad." I didn't recognize the anguished cry as my own and then I was sobbing and shaking and holding on to him, never wanting to let go.

TBC

*Cliff hangers. I know I suck. Ok guys I PROMISED to have this Thursday and technically it is still Thursday here, 10:46pm to be precise. I have two (count them) TWO ten page papers due tomorrow and yours truly has not started on either one. I did mention I suck didn't I? So I beg your forgiveness for this being a wee bit later than a Thursday update would normally entail but college school work stinks and I got busier than I thought and didn't have as much time to write. I hope this chapter is ok, I know how much some of you hate Goku and you might feel I'm letting him off easy, I don't know. It was hard figuring out how I wanted Gohan to react. But remember, there has to be a resolution some where. Anyway, I'm off, gotta start on one of those papers, doubt I'll get them both done <nervous look at American Realism professor> hope you didn't really mean it when you said it was due Friday, hehe. Thanks again for the great reviews, your comments are a boost to my poor ego and helpful as ever!*