Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Delicate ❯ The Power and the Glory (part II) ( Chapter 12 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

By: Irish

Delicate

Chapter Eleven:

The Power and the Glory

(Part II)

By: Irish

~*~*~*~*~

Ryo groaned, depressing the up button of the elevator several times in quick succession. He lived on the seventh floor, not an unreasonable walk, but he was worn down from the drive.

“Fine. Be like that.” he grumbled to the inanimate elevator, turning towards the stairs and starting what felt like a grueling hike upwards. He just wanted to be done for the day. He wanted someone to greet him when he got in.

A nice picture worked itself up in his mind, something far more immediately satisfying then the picket fences and babies. Warm arms waiting to hug him close. A soft crooning voice sympathizing with his long day. Tender hands guiding him to bed and undressing him, or maybe a nice hot shower, maybe some nice slow love making.

As Ryo turned his key in the lock and the dead bolt turned, he jumped a bit, the noise startling him out of his nice little fantasy where his lover was now giving him a fabulous and relaxing blow job. A lover with sable locks and strong broad shoulders.

“Goddamnit!” Ryo hissed to himself, kicking the door shut behind him “Enough already! That ship has sailed, you don't want that anyway! Enough.” he roughly flicked on the kitchen light, tossing the keys onto the table. He just wanted Dee. At this moment anyway, he was the only thing that would ease his soul-weariness. Dee.

Mary totally gone from his mind, babies, retrievers and fences too. Kicking off his shoes, he crossed the kitchen to where the cordless hung on the wall. He glanced at it. Dee's number was still number one on his speed dial, it was also the number the phone dialed when you hit the `emergency' button. Ryo hadn't changed that. He had no one to bump up to number one. Number two was his own cell, three was Cal's aunt, four was Bikky's school, five was his aunts house, six was her cell. None of those was worthy of being bumped up to number one, and so Dee remained there.

Ryo ached to pick up the phone, to hit speed dial-one, to call Dee. He picked up the receiver and half staggered back to his bedroom, exhausted and inexplicably close to tears. He didn't bother turning on any lights, falling onto his bed and laying spread-eagle for a few long moments. What the hell was wrong with him?

Of course, Ryo didn't know if he meant `what the hell is wrong with me that I'm thinking about calling Dee' or `what the hell is wrong with me that I'm not dialing right this second'. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes.

“Goddamnit.” he hissed again, but his voice cracked this time. A small voice in the back of his head was growing louder, now sometimes a current just under what he was consciously thinking. `This isn't who you are, you can never love Mary, not like you love Dee.' The voice whispered. 'Youcan never have with any woman what you had with Dee. Children and dogs and normality are not worth a passionless regretful life.' He could hear it now, like thunder in the distance that might just be the wind, or a plane, anything but a coming storm. `Call him' Ryo urged himself `Call him, make this right.'

Ryo fumbled for the phone that lay beside him in the dark, dialing without looking, moving to sit up against the headboard as the phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times.

“God... please pick up Dee.” Ryo whispered, his throat feeling tight. What if Dee didn't answer? What if he saw who it was and just let it go to voice mail? What if he did pick up but hung up the minute he heard Ryo's voice, what if-

“Laytner...?” Dee's voice sailed over the line, sounding slightly confused about why his cell was ringing.

“Dee!” Ryo gasped `Dee, I'm making a terrible mistake. I love you. I want to be with you, I know that, but I don't know how.' “Dee...” he said again, his voice thick.

“Ryo?” The confusion in his voice was still there, but it was different, more guarded. Ryo remembered when Dee would hear his voice and light up. It broke Ryo's heart to hear that guarded tone, wary, waiting. “Um... is something wrong?”

Ryo tried to speak, to say something, explain some how, but nothing came out except a near silent gulping sob. Tears of anger and frustration crowded Ryo's eyes and he dropped his head to his knees, though he still held the phone to his ear.

“Ryo? Are you crying? What's wrong?”

The genuine concern in Dee' voice just made it worse and Ryo could do nothing but cry quietly, sniffling into phone, feeling like a fool, like some teenage girl, crying over the phone. How pathetic was that? The harder he tried to say anything though, the more choked up he got. There was nothing he could possibly say to fix this. Even if he got Dee back, he knew that it would be the same as before, that he couldn't let himself be what he knew he was, that it was only a matter of time before they separated again because Dee wanted more then he could give.

“I'm coming over.” Dee said decisively, the sound of him grabbing his keys and calling softly to Bikky that he had to run an errand, he would be back in a bit, then tromping down the stairs. Ryo listened as Dee stepped out onto the street, his boots rhythmic on the cement, the city sounds almost drowning out the more intimate sound of Dee breathing. A car door unlocking, Dee climbing in, the engine revving to life. “I will be there in ten minutes, meet me downstairs.... I don't have a key.”

“Okay.” Ryo rasped, managing to pick his head up.

“Are you going to be all right until I get there if I hang up?” Dee asked, the turn signal clicking in the background.

“Yeah... yeah...” Ryo swiped at the tears on his face.

“all right, see you soon.”

Dee hung up, and Ryo clutched the receiver to his ear until the phone honked at him and the automated operator told him to hang up and try his call again. His sobs reignited themselves, louder now that he wasn't trying to stifled them, as he hung up and dropped the phone to the mattress.

It took Ryo nearly ten minutes to get himself under control and get down to the lobby, his face still blotchy and puffy as he paced, waiting for Dee, heart hammering in his chest, terrified that Dee just wouldn't show. That he would decide to turn around and go home, leave Ryo here by himself in a silent, echoing apartment with the lingering smell of tobacco.

Ryo didn't have long to pace though, Dee rapped sharply on the window of the front entryway, seeing Ryo there. Ryo crossed the short span and threw open the door to Dee, hardly letting Dee get in before he threw himself into Dee's arms and started to cry once again, clutching at the dark leather of his jacket, pressing his face to the soft fabric of Dee's shirt.

“Whoa....” Dee didn't hug him immediately, holding his hands to the side a minute, not sure he wanted to start doing things like holding Ryo. “Ryo... what is going on?” all Dee could think of was that someone had died, but who that could possibly be, he had no idea. When Ryo did nothing but shake his head, and press a little closer to Dee's chest, Dee finally wrapped his arms around him. “Okay, all right, its okay.” He soothed, not sure it was at all but having nothing else to say. He rubbed Ryo's back, looking around him a little nervously, feeling awkward because if felt too right, too normal, too good.

“Its-its-its not thought!” Ryo rasped, not lifting his face.

“Okay... well, um... what do you want me to say?” Dee patted his back, trying not to let this feel to familiar. When Ryo didn't respond, Dee sighed softly. “all right, well lets go upstairs.” he tried to disengage from Ryo to lead him upstairs, but Ryo wouldn't let go of his jacket. “Okay, Ryo, we can't stand here all night.” he said softly. Ryo didn't seem to hear him. He sighed again, prying one of Ryo's hands from his collar, holding it away as he managed to wriggle out of the jacket, wrapping it about Ryo's shoulders when Ryo finally let go. Ryo seemed to accept that as a reasonable stand-in for Dee, and slid his arms into he proper place, though it was rather big on him, hugging himself tightly, letting Dee wrap an arm around his shoulders and lead him to the elevator.

Ryo had gone into total meltdown. It wasn't that Dee had never seen that before. In fact, Ryo had these little... fits... somewhat regularly. It wasn't always tears like this, sometimes it was anger. But Dee was pretty sure what it really was was fear. Panic attacks were the pop psych term, Dee knew, but he didn't think that really did the connected emotions justice. Ryo had had two huge ones that Dee knew had come close to getting people killed. Not that he was about to blame Ryo, he had his own little temper tantrums, lord knew. Those weren't the only ones though. “Come on.” he urged gently when the elevator binged to stop on Ryo's floor.

Dee guided him down the hall, opening the door for Ryo. No lights were on, and Dee didn't turn any on either. He simply led Ryo back to his bedroom, kicking his own shoes off in the process, Ryo wasn't wearing any. Dee sat down on the bed without a word, leaning back against the headboard, watching Ryo for a moment, before simply holding his arms open to him.

Ryo heard the small pathetic sounding sound he made as he crawled onto the bed, settling himself between Dee's cocked knee's, curling up against his chest, tucking his head under Dee's chin, hugging the leather coat around himself. God, this was embarrassing, but at the same time, he wasn't sure he cared. So what if he needed Dee? So what if Dee never cried, Ryo still knew there were plenty of times he had been the one to do the holding and comforting. Nothing to be embarrassed about... crying wasn't a weakness... that what his mom had told him anyway.

Dee wrapped his arms around Ryo, settling him against his chest, stroking his hair slowly. “Shhh, shhh...” he murmured, “Just calm down. Tell me what this is all about.”

Ryo sniffled again, nuzzling his cheek to Dee's chest. “I don't know what's wrong with me.” his managed in a quavering voice. “I just... I...” he shook his head again. He didn't know, that was just the bitch of it. Not really. It seemed like no matter what he tried to do, he sent himself into a panic. Being gay scared the hell out of him... but if he was honest, truly honest with himself, the idea of a passionless, loveless marriage... why get up in the morning?

“all right... all right Ryo. Its all right. Just breath.” Dee soothed, drawing a throw blanket over Ryo's legs.

Breath... that was easy enough. Ryo close his eyes, taking slow breaths, smelling the leather jacket that was Dee's, smelling Dee himself, his after shave, his smokes, his soap. Just breath...

Dee sat still, hardly moving for nearly two hours as Ryo slowly sniffled himself to sleep, Ryo's tears dampening the front of his t-shirt. His breathing evened out very slowly, and finally, when he sounded deeply asleep, Dee eased out from under him, laying him down tenderly, covering him more with the throw. Whatever was upsetting Ryo, it hadn't followed him into his dreams, the worry lines on his brow smoothing. Dee smoothed back the hair from Ryo's face, kissing his forehead.

“Sleep baby... I know sometimes how big the world seems, but you have everything on your side. Don't worry baby, I know it will all come out all right for you.” how could it not? Ryo was a man who inspired love and kindness in others, bringing out the best of those around him... Even Dee. Dee swallowed hard, smoothing Ryo's hair one more time, tucking his leather jacket a little tighter around Ryo's shoulders. It broke his heart that despite all the good things Ryo brought out in him... he still wasn't good enough for Ryo. But the truth was never kind, at least not any truth Dee had ever known.

He backed slowly from the room, Ryo not so much as stirring. Dee took the spare key from where he knew Ryo kept it in a dish of pocket change on the kitchen counter, and let himself out, locking the door soundly behind him. He took the stairs down, where he opened Ryo's mailbox with the key, then stuck it inside before shutting the small square door. He stopped out on the street to crane his head back and look up at the dark window that was Ryo's bedroom, saying a silent prayer to the Holy Mother to keep Ryo under her wing. Shaking his head, he found his car and drove him, his world again adrift and a whirl.

Author's Note: I know, I know, its been three months since I last updated, and once again everyone probably thought this would never be finished. I promise I will finish Delicate, but unfortunately I have fickle muses. I will do my best though, fall is a good writing time for me so keep your fingers crossed. Also, I am looking for some good constructive criticism, I always bitch about other people having Ryo being such a cry baby, so this chapter feels a little hypocritical, but I think I manage to make him cry like a man… any thoughts?