Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Never Had a Boyfriend ❯ Being Judged ( Chapter 6 )

Legal Disclaimer - I own FAKE! -Sanami Matoh comes running with a gun- I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!!!

Author's Note - I'm back and with the next installment of this fic. Aren't you all sooooo happy? You should be because all my Inuyasha-crazed fans are so PISSED OFF that I keep updating this instead of my other fics. Anyway . . . carry on and enjoy! Don't feel guilty or nothin'!

Act: 6.0

When Ryo woke up the next morning to the warm feeling of the sun on his face, he realized that he was wrapped up in a bed (that didn't look like his) in a strange room (that definitely wasn't his) with an entirely different blanket (that could have been his, but it wasn't) and that's when he had to search his foggy brain for some type of recollection. The previous night's events flashed across his eyes and he sat up while looking around; Dee was no where to be seen.

Getting up and stretching, Ryo went into the bathroom to take care of some business. Once he was through, Ryo headed out into the living room where he found Dee sitting about 3 centimeters away from the television screen, staring at it intently with an Eggo waffle and a jar of peanut butter. The television appeared to be playing a re-run of some Tom and Jerry cartoon.

"Um . . . good morning," Ryo said, scaring the living daylights out of Dee.

"You scared the shit out of me, man," Dee cried, clutching his chest.

"Don't have a heart attack or anything," Ryo replied dryly, plopping down onto the couch.

"Yeah. Uh-huh. It's all funny. Then one day you're gonna hear a thud and I'll be on the ground stone dead because I had a freaking heart attack all because of you!" Dee explained, sounding a bit peeved.

"Did someone not have their coffee this morning?" Ryo inquired.

"Damn machine. Stupid piece of crap is broken again . . ." Dee muttered; Ryo chuckled.

"Make tea," Ryo suggested.

"It doesn't work like that," Dee said, taking a bite out of his waffle. "I don't see in color until I have my coffee."

"Is that why you're so close to the screen?" Ryo asked, looking up at the new cartoon that was playing on the television.

"No, I always sit like this," Dee replied.

"Did you know that you kill brain cells that way?" Ryo wondered.

"Not like I have any, grandma," Dee said, rolling his eyes and turning back to the screen.

As Dee continued to watch brain-cell absorbing television, Ryo's eyes wandered up to the clock on the wall. He jumped up and cried, "Is that really the time?"

"No. April Fools," Dee said dryly, watching as Bugs Bunny jumped in and out of rabbit holes.

"Ah! Why'd you let me sleep that long?" Ryo cried, throwing his arms in the air.

"Because you're so cute when you're asleep," Dee replied with a wink; Ryo flushed a lovely shade of magenta.

"ARG!" Ryo growled, running out of the room and into Dee's bedroom to grab his stuff.

"What's the big hurry? You got a date or something?" Dee asked, over the T.V. and Ryo's rummaging.

"Exactly!" Ryo replied, taking off his pants and throwing a pair of jeans on.

"WHAT?" Dee shouted, abandoning his cartoon and waffle.

He ran into his bedroom (totally fuming because no one could have HIS Ryo) and came upon a sight that made him forget his anger for the moment: Ryo was shirtless and searching through his bag for something to wear. Dee had never seen anyone so . . . perfect.

Realizing his presence, Ryo turned around and said angrily, "Don't look at me like I'm some kinda side-dish!"

"No," Dee thought, "you're the main course."

"Well? Are you coming or not?" Ryo asked, sounding a little irritated.

"Huh?" Dee replied, sounding very unintelligent.

"Are you coming with me or are you going to stay home and see if the coyote catches the roadrunner?" Ryo elaborated.

"You mean that never happens? Aww man, you ruined it for me," Dee said.

"Are you coming or not?" Ryo asked, putting his hands on his hips.

Dee tried not to stare at Ryo's still bare chest and his un-buttoned blue jeans.

"Why do you want me to come on your date with you?" Dee asked.

"Huh?" It was Ryo's turn to look confused.

"You said that you had a date and that you had to go," Dee reminded him.

"I just meant I had to be somewhere," Ryo replied, "and I'm wondering if you want to come with me."

"Depends. Is it a trick question?" Dee asked suspiciously.

"Never mind," Ryo huffed, and pulled out a long-sleeved red turtleneck and put it on (much to Dee's displeasure.)

"Okay, okay. I'll come with. But where are we going?" Dee asked, walking over to his dresser where he pulled out a thermal shirt and a pair of pants.

"To Fort Tryon. It's a real nice park," Ryo said, watching as Dee pulled off his sleeping shirt and changed into his wool thermal.

"I see. Who are you meeting?" Dee asked, taking off his boxers (making Ryo blush and advert his gaze.)

"More like who am I bringing," Ryo replied, pulling out a small black travel bag from his duffel.

"Who?" Dee inquired.

"Um . . . well," Ryo began.

Ryo wondered that if maybe he told Dee who he was bringing with him that he wouldn't want to come anymore.

"Who?" Dee repeated, pulling up his baggy black jeans with a belt.

"Bikky and Carol. I promised them a couple of weeks ago that I'd take them," Ryo explained, heading into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

"And you want me to come for what reason?" Dee asked, dragging a comb through his hair and trying to make it look decent.

"Well, I guess that it's not always great hanging out with two little grade-school kids all the time," Ryo replied after a moment, coming out of the bathroom and throwing his toothbrush into his bag.

"Hmmm," Dee agreed, observing himself before he too headed into the bathroom to brush his teeth and everything.

"If you don't want to come, just say so already," Ryo said, zipping up his bag and throwing it over his shoulder.

"Hi'll kum! Sheez Hoiuse," Dee cried through a mouthful of toothpaste.

Once he rinsed, Dee stumbled out of the bathroom and walked into the living room where he found Ryo sitting on the couch putting his shoes on. Dee went and turned off the TV before he grabbed his own shoes by the door, sliding them on and not bothering to untie and retie them like most people did.

"We have to go back to my apartment first. I hope you don't mind," Ryo said, standing up and grabbing his jacket off the rack on the wall.

"I don't," Dee replied, putting on his own coat that had been sitting on a chair near the foyer.

Ryo looked around the apartment before they left. It seemed that someone had come in and cleaned it from the previous night; there were no longer empty boxes or crumbs on the floor.

"How did-" Ryo began, but Dee stopped him.

"Let's go," Dee said, and opened the door for Ryo before locking it behind both of them.

Dee really didn't want Ryo to know that he was only running off two hours of sleep. He had spent the majority of the night/early morning just staring at Ryo's sleeping form before he began to get some dangerous ideas . . . therefore, he got out of bed and commenced in cleaning the house. At least that way Lynda wouldn't get any ideas that they were too tired to clean the place.

-_-

After walking all the way to Ryo's apartment building (they didn't even bother to take the mobbed subway) in the cold with people cussing at them for unknown reasons, both Ryo and Dee managed to make it to their destination alive. That's when they climbed up the same nine flights of stairs to room number 303. Ryo opened the door for them and showed Dee inside.

"Just let me drop my crap off, okay?" Ryo asked, and Dee nodded.

With that said, Ryo headed towards one of the back rooms and went inside. Dee just kinda stood there, looking around from his spot in the middle of the apartment. He remembered the first time that he had just gotten a glimpse of Ryo's home, and now Dee felt a little depressed at what he saw.

Everything had a very "blah" aura. The couches were black leather and the pillows were white while the carpet was a light grayish color. The T.V. was black, as well as the coffee table and the chairs around a glass dinner table. The lamps were off-white, the tile in the kitchen was a creamy color, and the kitchen cabinets were white with raven doorknobs on them.

Besides for the fact that every item in the house had barely any personality, the apartment itself was unnaturally clean. Everything was organized and dust-free, making Dee feel as if he was in a hospital or some sort of fancy office. The whole place looked as if no one even lived under its roof; it seemed too cold.

When Ryo returned (it was very noticeable because of the red shirt he was wearing in such a gloomy atmosphere) he noticed that Dee was surveying his apartment. It made him wish that they were back in Dee's home where everything was warm and welcoming.

"Sorry I took so long," Ryo said, ripping Dee out of his observant stage.

"S'okay," Dee replied.

They sat in an awkward silence for a moment. Then the phone rang, ripping through the silence like a sharp knife. Ryo answered it on the second ring.

(Dee can hear only one part of the conversation marked with *'s)

"Hello?" Ryo said, once he had picked up the phone. *

"Ryo, honey?" the voice on the other end asked.

"Aunt Elena?" Ryo asked. *

"Have you forgotten me too?" another person inquired, sounding upset.

"Hi, Uncle Rick," Ryo added with a small grin. *

"How's everything going, Ryo?" Elena wondered.

"Um . . . everything's fine," Ryo replied. *

In the background he could hear the sounds of what appeared to be an airport.

"Are you guys coming home?" Ryo asked, sounding excited. *

There was a hesitation on the other end.

"Ryo, I'm sorry," Elena said after a moment.

"B-But, I mean . . . you're coming home. Just a quick shoot, right?" Ryo asked. *

"Sorry, honey. We've been given our deadline. National Geographic wants the pictures in by the first of the year. We're headed out to New Zealand right now and we'll be home soon," Elena explained.

"C'mon Aunt Elena. You promised that you'd both be here for my birthday," Ryo said disappointedly. *

"We can't control what they give us, Ryo. It's our job," Elena replied sternly.

"I know but-" Ryo began, but was cut off. *

"Please, Ryo. I know you're upset. We are too. I promise that we'll do something together when we get back," Elena said.

"You'll be home for Christmas, right?" Ryo inquired, not liking the fact that he was going to be alone on his birthday and then possibly the best holiday of the year. *

There was a pause; the sound of hesitation was clear.

"I'm sure we will be," Elena replied, not wanting to make any more promises that she couldn't keep.

"But!" Ryo cried. *

"No buts. I'm not making any promises, Ryo. It depends on the weather and the animals there, not us. I'm sorry," Elena said.

"Look, I don't care about my birthday, okay? But you both have to be home for Christmas!" Ryo insisted, tears threatening to spill from his dark eyes. *

"Trust me, Ryo. We'll do everything in our power to be home by then," Elena informed him.

The sound of a loud speaker in the airport tuned on in the background, announcing gates and flights delayed or cancelled.

"Well, that's us," Elena said.

"Okay," Ryo replied quietly, fingering the phone cord between his thumb and forefinger. *

"I'm sorry, Ryo. We both are," Elena apologized.

"No need. I understand," Ryo answered gloomily. *

"We'll talk to you later once we get to the island," Elena told him.

"Okay," Ryo said with a sigh. *

"Goodbye, Ryo. We love you," Elena bid farewell.

"Yeah. I love you guys too. Bye," Ryo replied before hanging up. *

He stared at the phone with a heavy heart and a small, disappointed frown.

"Bad news?" Dee asked, making Ryo turn.

Ryo had almost forgotten that Dee was there. That's why he slapped on the usual smile he always wore and shrugged it off.

"Nothing really," Ryo said.

Dee walked over to him. He then stared into Ryo's dark pools and realized that his conclusion was correct: no matter the mask, the eyes tell everything. They are, after all, the windows to the soul. And in Ryo's soul, Dee could see an inner sadness and even an internal anger. It amazed Dee how Ryo's eyes spoke in volumes and yet he still tried to hide his emotions.

"Ryo," Dee said gently, touching his cheek, "what happened to you?"

"What do you mean?" Ryo asked, turning his gaze away.

"Why are you so sad?" Dee elaborated, making Ryo look at him.

"I just am," Ryo replied, closing his eyes.

Those emerald orbs were observing him, prying into his soul. Dee was seeing him, the real Ryo. The sad, depressed, broken Ryo. He didn't want Dee to see that. He didn't want Dee to see how weak he really was. It had taken him too long to build a mask to hide behind and it was not going to crack now.

"That's not an answer," Dee said, pushing him against the wall.

"What do you want to hear then?" Ryo asked, opening his eyes once more.

"The truth," Dee replied seriously; Ryo bowed his head.

"The . . . the truth?" Ryo asked quietly.

Dee nodded.

"Ienaikara," Ryo replied.

"That's not fair. I can barely speak English let alone Japanese," Dee said.

"I can't tell you," Ryo translated, keeping his gaze on the floor.

"Don't say that you can't. You can, if you try," Dee replied, putting his arms around Ryo.

"Then . . . then I'll try. Okay? But I'm not promising anything anytime soon" Ryo said, resting his head on Dee's shoulder.

"Just take your time," Dee said.

They stood there for a moment in that warm embrace before Ryo pulled away, rubbing his eyes that refused to cry.

"You must think I'm some kind of freak. This is the second time in the last 24 hours that I've gotten all depressed in front of you," Ryo said with a small smile.

"No. Not really. I'm just happy you're not like some of the other people I used to hang around with. Damn fools were freaking suicidal," Dee replied with a grin.

Ryo looked serious for a moment, before he scooted closer to Dee.

"Remember how you said that I was pretty when I slept? Would I look beautiful in a casket?" Ryo asked.

"Wha?!" Dee cried, looking down at him.

"Would you make sure that I was buried in a peaceful place? Underneath a cherry blossom tree, or in a nice shady grove. Could you do that for me?" Ryo inquired.

Dee was twitching nervously now.

"What are you saying? You want to kill yourself?" Dee asked, grabbing onto his upper arms.

"You'd bring me flowers, right? I've always wanted someone to bring me flowers when I die. Some pretty ones, okay? Like daffodils or tulips," Ryo continued with a peaceful smile on his lips.

"Stop it! You're creeping me out!" Dee said, shaking Ryo.

"Oh really?" Ryo asked, gazing up at him innocently. "Would you come with me? Would you die with me?"

"RYO! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" Dee shouted, about ready to slap some sense into him.

A smile flitted across his handsome face before he started to laugh really hard. Dee looked down at Ryo, totally confused, as he was practically rolling on the floor with laughter.

"What in the HELL is so GODDAMN funny?!" Dee barked, sounding (and looking) extremely pissed off.

"I just got you back for the whole `seven days' thing that you pulled on me," Ryo replied, once he calmed down enough to speak.

"What?!" Dee asked.

"Wow. I must have put on a pretty good show for you to get all pissy like that," Ryo mused aloud, sitting up.

"No shit you retard! We were just talking about how sad you were! I thought you were really flippin' serious there!" Dee cried, looking angrily down at Ryo who smiled apologetically.

"Sorry. But you know, paybacks are a bitch," Ryo said with a wink.

"You are so weird," Dee concluded, letting go of Ryo.

"Why's that?" Ryo asked.

"How can you be so lighthearted when deep down, you feel like you're dying?" Dee wondered, looking down at him.

"I'm just used to it by now," Ryo answered softly.

Dee touched his shoulder gently.

"If you ever . . . you know, want to talk or something, I'll always be here, `kay?" Dee said seriously.

"Thanks," Ryo replied.

They stood in another silence, this one not so awkward as before however. Dee took this chance to lean in closer to Ryo's face while sliding his arms around a slender waist. Their eyes met and locked before fluttering closed as their lips were about to touch . . . and then the door was thrown open. The sudden loud sound startled Ryo and he jumped, hitting his head against the wall.

"Owie . . ." Ryo murmured, clutching his head.

"Are you okay?" Dee asked, tightening his hold around Ryo just incase he decided to fall over.

"Hey! What are YOU two doing?" an annoyed voice asked.

The teens turned their heads to see two children there, watching them intently. Dee realized that it was Bikky and Carol (Ryo's neighbors) who Ryo dropped off and picked up everyday from school. Then he remembered the whole reason why he was in Ryo's apartment in the first place. It had to do with some park . . . Fort Sumthan-or-other.

"We're um . . . practicing for a play?" Ryo suggested, looking a little flustered.

"What play?" Bikky asked, still sounding peeved.

"Romeo and Juliet?" Carol inquired, raising an eyebrow at the rather . . . odd position that they were in.

Ryo managed to squirm free of Dee's grip and waved his arms around.

"No! Of course not!" Ryo said, twitching nervously.

How are you supposed to tell two little innocent grade-school kids that you were about to start . . . well . . . making out?

"So, where're we goin' again?" Dee asked, changing the topic.

"To Fort Tryon!" Bikky exclaimed, sounding like he had just inhaled a bag of pixy sticks.

"Yeah, shouldn't we be going now?" Carol asked, buttoning up her purple parka and fixing her matching scarf.

"That's a good idea," Ryo said, zipping up his jacket.

"Let's go!" Bikky cried, jumping up and down so fast that Dee got dizzy.

"This is going to be a long day . . ." Dee thought, following the two kids and the wearer of the ass-hugging jeans out the door.

^_-

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Now are we there?"

"No."

"How `bout now?"

"No!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

"Ohhh. Are we there yet?" Bikky asked, for the millionth time.

"We're almost there, Bikky. Calm yourself," Carol said, before someone could bite his head off for being so annoying.

"I see. Are we-" Carol clamped her hand over Bikky's mouth before he could continue.

"Okay. If you say that ONE more time, I think that either Ryo or Dee or maybe even me, is going to kill you," Carol informed him; he bit her hand to get her to let go.

"Okay, okay, okay. I get ya. Sheesh," he said, crossing his arms.

They rode in silence (or as much silence as you can get on a crowded subway) until Bikky spoke up again.

"Have we arrived at our destination yet?" he wondered; everyone started to twitch.

That's when the train stopped and the doors to the subcar opened.

"No, Bikky. Two more stops to go," Carol said sarcastically, following Ryo and Dee out the door.

"Hey! Wait for me!" Bikky cried, running after them.

"You shouldn't loiter like that Bikky. You're such a slow-poke," Carol said, sticking her tongue out at him before hiding behind Ryo.

"Can you two not fight today?" Ryo asked, looking like he was already the victim of a migraine.

They walked off the platform and into the city; Carol and Bikky immediately grabbed onto Ryo's hands so they wouldn't get lost. Dee just followed behind them at a sloth's pace.

"Hey wait. We could lose Dee too," Carol said, letting go of Ryo's left hand and walking around to grab Bikky's right.

"Um, I don't think that Dee'll get lost," Ryo told them.

But he stopped suddenly when he felt Dee's hand grasp his own. Ryo looked at Dee questioningly and he responded by giving Ryo's hand a gentle squeeze. Feeling his face heat up, Ryo turned his gaze forwards, trying to ignore the warmth of Dee's hand and the smirk on his friend's lips; Carol started to giggle at the two of them while Bikky looked confused as ever.

When they arrived at the park, Bikky and Carol skipped off to go and play somewhere (with Ryo giving them strict instructions not to talk or follow strangers and to be back by three) while Dee and Ryo just watched them scamper off. With their hands still joined, both Ryo and Dee went to find a park bench to sit on.

Sitting down, Ryo inhaled the clean air around them that smelt like snow (and snow smells so good when it's not yellow) with a smile on his face. The normally grassy ground was covered in chunky snow and slippery ice. People walked back and forth, tugging little ones along with them who had pink faces from the cold wind. Some passerbies had ice skates thrown over their shoulder or were pulling sleds behind them, ready to enjoy the winter activities that Fort Tryon had to offer.

"You're right. This place is pretty nice," Dee commented, after a moment of surveying the park.

"I told you so," Ryo said with a small smile.

Dee let go of Ryo's hand, making Ryo miss the warmth against his palm, but was surprised when Dee casually stretched and put his arm around Ryo's shoulders. Blushing from the contact, Ryo had to wonder what Dee was up to. Why was he doing things like that in a public place? Other people wondered this too and found it no problem to openly stare at the couple; Ryo was flustered over all the unwanted attention.

"Erm . . . Dee, I, um . . ." Ryo began, fidgeting nervously in his seat.

"What's wrong?" Dee asked.

"Well . . . I, um . . ." Ryo continued, not being able to spit the words out.

"Do you not want me to do this?" Dee inquired, removing his arm.

And yet, people still stared at them.

"N-no. It's just that . . . well . . . everyone is . . . well . . ." Ryo said, looking down.

Dee noticed that more people were staring at them and in return, he just glared. What was wrong with these people? Hadn't they ever seen a homosexual couple before?

"God. I hate it when people do that. We're not some animals in a zoo," Dee muttered, flipping off a guy who had been looking at them for the past couple of minutes.

Ryo kept his gaze on the ground and didn't say anything. He really didn't know what to think. All these people were judging him because he was different. Because he was . . . Ryo didn't even want to think of the word. True, he did sort of like Dee more than a friend. And sure, they had . . . well . . . made out and kissed on several occasions. But that didn't mean that Ryo was gay! Just because he sorta-kinda-maybe-okay-he-really-liked-him-and-dreamed-about-his-wonderful- kisses-every-night liked Dee.

"Just ignore them," Dee said, putting his arm around Ryo's waist.

Even looking down, Ryo could tell that people were staring at them. He hated it and he felt humiliated. And yet, he still didn't want Dee to not touch him. Hell, he actually liked it. But in public it felt more . . . wrong. Like he was sinning or something.

Just as he was thinking this, a girl and her mother passed by them. Ryo looked up and gave the girl a small smile. Her sapphire blue eyes smiled back at him as she tugged on her mother's hand.

"Mommy, mommy. Why are the two boys sitting like that?" She asked innocently, making her mother look over at the park bench where they sat.

She noticed the position that they were in, with Dee's arm around Ryo's waist and the closeness of their bodies together.

"Don't look at them, honey," she said, just loud enough for them to hear as she pulled her daughter away from them like they had some type of infectious disease.

That one statement alone made Ryo feel like the most horrible things in the world were happening to him all at once. It was his worst fear: being shunned. He feared being shunned, because that meant he was alone. Being alone was something that Ryo hated. He liked people, and he liked Dee. But was he paying a bigger price for just company?

"Hmph. I should go and teach that lady a lesson," Dee mused aloud, watching the woman and her daughter leave the park.

Ryo didn't respond, but got up and started to walk away. Away. Away from Dee.

^_-

After Talk with The Random Queen:

Okay, there you have it! The next chapter for Never Had a Boyfriend is finished! I know it's a bit short, but hey it's better than nothing, right?

I decided to go with a little bit of angst with this chapter. Sad and lonely Ryo. And then torn and confused Ryo. I really don't like to pick on him but . . . -thinks about it- Well, yeah. I sorta DO like to pick on Ryo. He's such a deep character! It's fun to mess with his mind! -does retarded impersonation of a mastermind- Wooo!

As for the characters. Yes. Bikky is an airhead. Sorry about that! ^_^ He's so much fun to play with (not like that you dirty perverts) and I enjoy giving him the "stupid" lines in the fic.

About that LIME chapter!

That LIME chapter is actually going to turn into a LEMON chapter. I'm sorry about that, sometimes during my revisions I don't read these endnotes. And the only reason I suggested a LIME was because fanfiction.net (little bastards) didn't allow LEMON stories on the site anymore. But here, it's okay, so that's why I'm going to write a LEMON and post it on this story changing the rating from PG-13 to R in maybe the last couple chapters for the scene. Either that or the LEMON could be in the sequel. Whatever you guys want. Please tell me through e-mail! This site does not allow me to read all of my reviews!

The_random_queen@hotmail.com and title it "Lemon Chap 4 NHABF"

Thanks people, you all rock!

Special Thank You! (Actually, there're 2)

I'd like to thank LilSheepi for helping me with some info on NY. Sorry about making you give me all the info about the Statue of Liberty when I didn't even use it in this chapter! Maybe I will later though! There's always a chance! Thanks so much! And BTW, wasn't I supposed to Beta read for you? I really liked that fic you sent me! Please say that you've finished the chapter?

And I'd also like to thank Kinata_Uno for giving me a ton of information on Fort Tyron, the subways, and the George Washington Bridge. The pictures helped a lot! I'll definitely be using them! You were such a big help! Thanks so much!

Parting Words and The Bribe:

Okay. I updated because I stayed home from school today. Most people think I'm playing Hookie or taking a "Mental Health Day" but I'm not! I'm really sick and I even have the Tarot cards to prove it! I read them this morning and Strength was reversed! That means that I'm physically or mentally weak! Bu-ya grandma! It's not a lie!

Anyway, thanks for all the positive reviews! It really makes my day to come home and read all the nice things people have to say about my fic! -starts to get all teary eyed- I love you all!

And as always I have to put the warning up. Flames will be used to set fire to my school. But then again . . . that means I won't have to go and then I can write all day! Hmm . . . I like this . . . but don't flame me on purpose of course! It's like Witch Hunter Robin who can set things on fire. Fiiiiiire!

-passes out donuts and coffee- Ah! The best of both worlds! If you leave nice reviews, I'll give you all this really awesome, really yummy, really chocolaty, (did I mention really yummy?) German Chocolate Cake. -falls over and dies- If I didn't feel so crappy right now, I'd probably have a piece. ^_^

Ja my muffins!

~The Random Queen

Thanks and see you soon! (if I don't die from this headache)