Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Ebony and Ivory ❯ Replaceable ( Chapter 38 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket. Natsuki Takaya does. I've run out of clever ways to say that…

 

A/N: Cats are creatures of habit, and they are very picky. Once they find something they like, they stick with it. If it's taken away, it will be quite a while before they'll move on and stop trying to get it back or waiting for it to come back. They're very patient like that. It's one of the reasons they're so good at catching mice.

 

Anyway, there aren't a lot of people who matter to Kyo, but he gets very attached to the people who do. That's why he never gave up on Yuki.

 

 

CHAPTER 38: Replaceable

 

Yuki woke up groggily. He caught orange in the corner of his eye and looked round and smiled. Kyo was straddling the chair, facing him. His head was in his arms, and he was asleep. Yuki's smile faded as he slowly remembered their earlier conversation. Time to explain. How do I explain this? Yuki sighed. Well, I could try telling him the truth. The whole truth. I owe it to him. Yuki sat up, and moved the pillows so he could lean against them. Should I wake him up? He smiled a little again. How on earth can he sleep in that position? “Kyo-nii?” he said softly.

 

Kyo was instantly awake. “Oh… hi.”

 

Yuki smirked. “Taking a catnap?”

 

Kyo grinned. “Something like that. How are you feeling?”

 

“Better. Did you… want to talk now?”

 

“Absolutely.” Kyo sat on Yuki's bed beside him, legs crossed Indian-style. He looked too eager for Yuki's comfort.

 

“Um… where did you want me to start?”

 

“At the beginning, of course.”

 

Yuki smiled. “Oh, I forgot… thank you for the flowers.”

 

Kyo's eyes widened. “You actually did like them?”

 

“I love them. Orange is one of my favorite colors.”

 

“Oh. Really? I never knew that. You're welcome, then.” He gave Yuki a look of mock suspicion. “Now quit stalling.”

 

Yuki smiled a little, and nodded. “Please be patient with me.” He sighed. “It started when Akito called me, that day you followed me. The first thing Akito told me was that he had found out about the piano. Then he said he wasn't upset about the piano, just the fact that I was playing for you.”

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you're the cat. Or at least that's what he said. He's always been jealous of me.” Kyo tightened his lips and looked down. Yuki continued. “So… so then he said that I… well, in so many words said I had to break up our friendship, but I couldn't tell you why, or even that I was doing so. That I had to make it seem natural. Then he said that in a month's time, he would call on you and talk to you, to make sure that you didn't think I wanted to be your friend. If you did, he said, he would… he would take your bracelet to teach me a lesson. Obviously, the month thing was only the first time, and he would be checking on you after that as well.”

 

“But you said you hated me, not just that you didn't want to be my friend.”

 

“I tried everything short of that, Kyo. But you kept trying to fix it, and you wouldn't get it… and finally I had no choice… I didn't want to. I had to be extreme, to make sure. And I wanted to… make it permanent, so you would never try to be friends again.”

 

Kyo sighed. Even now that he knew it hadn't been true, those words still hurt. But he understood this line of reasoning, to some extent. “Go on.”

 

“Well, then he said that I could keep playing the piano, if I played for him. I obviously refused, and then he said that… that he was upset that I played for you and not for him, and so I couldn't touch another piano again unless it was for him. He didn't say what the consequences would be, but I figure he probably would have taken your bracelet then too. I wasn't really worried about the piano, though. It kind of paled in comparison.” He sighed. “I obviously couldn't tell you about it. Then you'd know something was up. Probably.” He fell silent.

 

“So then what?”

 

“Give me a second. It's… it's hard to talk about.” He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them. “Doesn't that explain things?”

 

“I want to know what happened, Yuki. From your perspective.”

 

He wants to know if it mattered to me. Yuki sighed. “You… when you came to walk me home…” He stopped.

 

“What?”

 

Yuki sighed. Kyo was apparently going to milk him for information. “It made it worse… because it showed so clearly that I mattered to you… that… that what I would have to do would hurt you so much.” Yuki wasn't used to being this open. And he didn't want to think about it. “Anyway, when we got home I wrote the letter to Saito-sensei… I think just because I wanted something a little easier to deal with. I didn't want to say goodbye to Saito-sensei, but at least I wouldn't have to pretend to dislike him. Then I had to figure out ways to gradually create a rift.” Again Yuki stopped. He massaged his forehead. “It wasn't difficult to think of things. I knew what would make you upset. I knew what I could act legitimately upset about. Of course I would have to blow everything out of proportion, but I mean… I had to find things that made some sense. Like you getting upset at Honda-san, or pushing me too hard.”

 

“Did it make you really hate me?”

 

“No. It just made it slightly, slightly easier to act upset. And it made it easier for you to believe me. That was more what I was concerned with.”

 

Kyo looked away, frowning. “So it wasn't real?”

 

“No.”

 

“Not at all?”

 

“Not at all.”

 

Kyo sighed. “But what about… what about when I hugged you that one time, and you actually stepped away? That wasn't…”

 

Yuki looked down. “I'm sorry. I had to move away because I wanted it so badly. If I had waited a few seconds longer I would have lost my will.”

 

Kyo looked at him with some surprise. “Was it hard?”

 

“Of course! Do you have any idea…” Yuki squeezed his eyes shut. “Kyo, I had wanted to be your friend for so long, and… I wanted to hang out with you, at least sit with you at lunch and stuff. I wanted to listen to you, and talk with you, and… and you kept coming and trying to find out what was wrong, but I couldn't tell you, and I knew you wanted to make things right, but there was no way you could have, and it wasn't your fault, but I couldn't tell you.” There were tears in his eyes now. “You would come and beg me for just five minutes, and I couldn't. I didn't have the strength to see you try to make amends when it was all my doing and it wasn't even real.” He caught his breath, which was beginning to rasp again. “There were so many times… I… I wanted to give up, but I couldn't. I…” He stopped again.

 

“What about the letter, though?”

 

“Oh. That.” Yuki sighed. “That…”

 

“Yes?”

 

Yuki closed his eyes. “Do I have to talk about that part?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay. Okay, give me a minute.” Yuki swallowed. All for nothing. Finally he opened his eyes, but wouldn't look at Kyo. “From a purely practical perspective… there was nothing better that I could have done to cut off the friendship. I thought it would make you hate me. I…” He drew in a shaky breath. “I never hated myself so much in my entire life.” His voice became flat. “After that I stopped feeling. I stopped letting it affect me. I couldn't. I couldn't handle it anymore.” Tears came to his eyes. “You said I sounded like Akito, and I took it as confirmation of my success. I didn't let myself care whether it hurt you. I mean… I did… but I didn't feel it.” He gathered up his knees. “I'm sorry,” he whispered. “I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry.”

 

Kyo was quiet. “Why did you keep it?” he asked at last.

 

Yuki didn't answer for a minute. At last he replied, still hugging his knees. “Honestly, Kyo… I thought it would be much easier to break things off than it actually was. I expected you to hate me. I thought I had crossed the point of no return with the letter, but… but even so… I wanted to hold onto that proof that once upon a time we were friends, even if we never could be again. Because I had never been so happy…” His voice broke. He breathed a little faster for a moment. “Give me a second.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I thought that was the end of it,” Yuki said at last. “I had no idea you'd keep trying. Just… just the fact that you kept persisting… it was like it made the fire even hotter, because it showed how much you really wanted to be friends. Even now… I don't understand why you didn't just give up. I had no idea… that I meant that much to you.” Silent tears were on his cheeks now. “I had no choice,” he said, his voice almost pleading. “I had to… to say that. I didn't mean it.”

 

“But you looked me right in the eye…”

 

“It made no difference. Kyo, I…” He stopped. How could Kyo possibly understand that lying was easy for Yuki? That Yuki was able to look directly into people's eyes and tell hurtful lies because Akito had taught him to? How could Yuki explain that it was Akito who had raised him? “I can do things like that. I can lie. I'm very, very good at lying. Akito only told me to do all of this because he knew I could. Because…” Because he taught me to. “He wouldn't have asked Honda-san to do it. She couldn't have.”

 

“So then Akito called me, and you timed it so that it would still be fresh in my mind?”

 

“You have to understand, Kyo… I felt nothing.” He paused. “I followed you to Akito's.”

 

“You did?!”

 

“Yes. I wanted to make sure you would be okay.”

 

“But all you cared about was the bracelet.”

 

“No, I cared about the bracelet because I knew it would be horrible for you to not have it. Especially at that time of year, when we're literally surrounded by frozen water. You would have been in your true form constantly. You… Kyo, you hated it when it was only for an hour or so.”

 

Kyo sighed. “Do the ends always justify the means?”

 

“What else was I supposed to do?”

 

Kyo didn't reply for a moment. Yuki had put himself through all of that, and Kyo, and everyone else, and for what? A stupid bracelet? “What about after that? You started getting mad at everyone.”

 

“I don't know. I was muddled after that. I didn't want to talk to you or about you. I didn't want to be anywhere near you. Every time I was, it reminded me of how much I was hurting you and how much I hated myself… and how terribly I missed you and wanted you back. Every time someone would ask, I would hate myself more, and I started taking it out on them. And I didn't even care. I felt nothing. I started to wonder if I was really alive, and that's why I was always outside. Unless I was being hurt by the cold, I felt like I was dead.” He sighed.

 

“When Haru yelled at me, I realized that I was hurting everyone, and decided the best thing would be for me to just disappear. Then I didn't have to face it. But that's where I messed up, because I got used to being somewhat safe. And I let my guard down. That's why… that's why I wasn't even thinking about Akito when I had my attack. I was just so glad you were there, because I knew I could trust you… because my first thought was that you were my friend. When I realized what I had said, I panicked, then was even more alarmed because, once again, you didn't believe I hated you.”

 

“So when you yelled at me again, a few days ago…”

 

Yuki sighed. Had that really been only a few days ago? “Pure panic. Well, mostly panic. Also… I just wanted it to stop. I wanted you to let go of it, so you would be safe… so I would be able to stop hurting you. I hated it. I hated it that you liked me and I liked you, but we couldn't be friends, and I had to hurt you, and I couldn't even tell you why. And I was mad at you, stupid as that sounds, because you refused to give up. Because you were making it so hard I couldn't handle it anymore. That's why I told Hatori to take me back to the Main House.” His breath was rasping badly now. “You know the rest. Akito must have figured something out, somehow. He took your bracelet. I tried to get it back, and Hatori sedated me so I couldn't. I'm sorry. When I woke up, I realized the hold was gone, so I went after you. I'm sorry… so sorry about all of this.”

 

Kyo was quiet for a several minutes. “Okay,” he said at last. “It's okay. I forgive you.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Later on, Hatori managed to come back, and Kyo retreated to his room, then climbed to the roof. He had to think. For some reason, he felt very, very tired. It was a lot to take in. One more day and I would have lost him. Kyo shivered. I wonder if he's relieved. Probably. But he's still beating himself up. Maybe he'll do better since I forgave him; but… somehow, I think he's harder on himself than I ever could be.

 

Kyo went over the conversation in his head. Yuki hadn't begun to truly hate Kyo, but it was obvious that he hated himself. And what was it he kept saying? “I felt nothing.” Kyo furrowed his brow. How was it possible to feel nothing? Kyo remembered his mother's death, how everyone kept commenting that he wouldn't cry, and he didn't until Shishou had come. But that wasn't because he had felt nothing. It was because he had felt too upset and angry even to cry. Like he had when Yuki said “I hate you.” Kyo winced at the memory. He told himself again that Yuki hadn't meant it. But how could Yuki have felt nothing when he said it?

 

Kyo leaned back, staring at the darkening sky. But it was hard on him. It was extremely hard on him. That's why he cried so much when it was over. It's not like this was easy. He sighed. I just don't get… how it's possible to treat someone you like that way, even if it's for a good reason. I… He sat up and sat, legs crossed. But he followed me to Akito's. Kyo held onto that. That had been the very day Yuki had hurt him the most, but he had followed Kyo to Akito's. If he hadn't done that, I don't know if I could have believed him when he said he didn't mean it.

 

What about what Yuki had said earlier? That even before he started anything, he started coming up with a plan? He had actually had an attack strategy in order? It was actually possible to be that pragmatic and detached? I can't imagine. Kyo tried to picture himself trying in cold blood to come up with ways of hurting Yuki. It was impossible. It was incredible that Yuki could act like he hated Kyo when he liked him. He had to have focused on something he hated. But Yuki said he hadn't. He had thought of things to get somewhat legitimately upset about, but it had been more for Kyo's sake than for his own. How on earth did he learn to act like that?

 

Well, if Yuki had to go so completely against his feelings, it almost made sense that he would have to eventually cut them off. Somehow, Yuki was able to cut off his feelings. Scary. And that was why, when he would look at Yuki, Yuki's eyes would be dead. Because he couldn't even be out in the cold that made him feel alive.

 

He shouldn't have! Kyo hugged his knees, unsure where that thought had come from. He didn't know what to think. Yuki had been slowly killing himself, backing away from everyone… because of Kyo? He was going to go back to the Main House because of Kyo? That was just… weird. It was really, really weird. Kyo shuddered. Who does that? He shivered again. Damn rat. He couldn't help but remember Yuki's eyes, being in that room with Yuki, that room that felt like a tomb. Like no one lived there. That was over me?

 

Kyo sighed, and lay back down. If he got that depressed because he lost me, he didn't want to lose me. I guess that's a good thing. But still… He rolled over. That doesn't mean he won't do it again. Or something like it. That doesn't change the fact that he was willing to hurt me. Even if it's for a good cause, being willing to hurt someone like that, especially when you like them… I mean it was… I get it, but I don't. Even if I could do something like that, I wouldn't be willing to. Right?

 

Kyo imagined sitting in a room with Akito, having Akito threaten, say, to hurt Tohru, unless he was cruel to her, and told her to get lost and leave the house. He lay back again, stretching. I'd do it. If I could, I'd do it for Tohru. I wouldn't have a choice. He sighed. It's not like he could say “no.” He couldn't just let Akito go ahead with it, even if he thought what he was doing was wrong. He couldn't give me the choice, and for all he knew I would have preferred the bracelet to him.

 

I'd be freaked out over it, though, if I had to do that to someone. How could he be okay with it? Well no, he wasn't okay with it, and he did care, but he didn't even feel it! How can you not feel something like that? If it was that hard, if he liked me and didn't want to hurt me, how could he be so cold and calculating about it? Kyo felt tears at the corners of his eyes.

 

We were best friends. He shared things with me he wouldn't even share with Haru. He didn't play the piano for Haru. He sparred with me, and did homework with me, and even hugged me a few times. He took me to his lessons… how could he just decide that was over? I don't care how good the cause was. How could he possibly just… Damn it! He rubbed at his face, angry at his tears. But I would have done the same. If I could.

 

He sat up, flustered. But it hurt so bad… and he wasn't ever going to stop. If I hadn't found out, and Akito hadn't taken my bracelet, Yuki would have gone to the Main House, and I would never have seen him again. He might have come to visit me, but only after Akito was dead, and by then… Kyo watched the last of the sun set. By then there would be nothing left. He was really going to end the friendship for good. He sighed. But he kept my letter. Because he didn't want to give up the memory. Tears came to Kyo's eyes again. He really does care about me. I know he does, it's just…

 

He rubbed at his cheeks again. He was willing to hurt me because he cared about me. If he had been even a little selfish, he would have given up, because he didn't want to hurt me, and he didn't want to lose me. But I think what hurts… is that he didn't seem to even think that it would hurt me too to lose the friendship. He knew he was hurting my feelings, but didn't he realize that I didn't want to lose him either? That the friendship was important to me too? That I might have actually preferred to lose the bracelet? What, did he think I'd just get over it? Like he was the only one who would be hurt by it in the long run?

 

Kyo squeezed his eyes shut, begging himself to stop crying. At last he mastered himself. He didn't realize how much he meant to me. He thought he was replaceable. But he didn't think I was, because otherwise he wouldn't have kept the letter. That was specifically from me. He thought he cared about me more than I did about him.

 

Kyo sighed. I think I felt the same way, at least before. He never showed his feelings. He wasn't really openly affectionate. I had no idea he cared this much, and he… he thought he was replaceable. How could he possibly think he was replaceable? Kyo buried his head in his hands. Did he think it would be the same for me if it was just anyone? I mean, maybe at the very beginning, when the reason I liked him was that he had accepted me, but… later on… I couldn't have had the same friendship with anyone else. I can't exactly say a complete reason, but… I mean, he's Yuki. There's only one Yuki. I'm not just some dog that will take to anyone who pets it. I'm a cat. Cats choose their friends carefully. And their friends are never replaceable.

 

The stars were out now, and Kyo watched them, his thoughts quiet for a minute. I wonder if he knows that now. Kyo sighed, calmer now. He lay back. I wonder if I should tell him. If I should tell him that I like him, and him especially. That he's not just another person to me, who only matters to me because he was kind to me. Kyo closed his eyes, feeling the breeze run through his hair. That he really matters to me. That he's not replaceable. Kyo breathed deeply. I should.