Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Ebony and Ivory ❯ Forgiveness ( Chapter 39 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, because Fruits Basket is never this talky…

 

A/N: I know these chapters are getting kind of slow. I'm sorry. I really am trying; it's just hard to keep up with it since summer's ending. I had hoped to have the entire story posted by the time I went back to school, but I guess that won't be the case. Fortunately, I still have my laptop at school, and therefore I will be able to keep posting. And the next chapter is more interesting! I promise!

 

 

CHAPTER 39: Forgiveness

 

Yuki couldn't make up his mind as to whether he wanted to see Kyo or not. It was morning now, and so far Kyo hadn't woken up. Probably because it was misting outside. Also because of this, Kyo couldn't go to school. I'll have to get better, so I can go and pick up his schoolwork. Yuki smiled a little. He sat up and started flipping through a book that had sat on his bedside untouched for several days. It refused to hold his interest, so he went back to thinking about Kyo.

 

He forgave me. Yuki wished he could find more relief from that than he did. Yes, Kyo had forgiven him, but he had barely responded. What did Kyo think right now? How did he feel about what Yuki had told him? Honda-san had told him this morning that Kyo had spent almost all of last night on the roof, thinking. Probably about Yuki. If we spent less time thinking, and more time talking, we might actually get somewhere. He sighed. We've spent the last two months just thinking about each other. He looked in the direction of Kyo's room. Maybe I should talk to him.

 

He looked out the window. He wished he hadn't had to say so much. He had thought a simple explanation would suffice, but Kyo had needed to know what happened had mattered to Yuki. He needed to know Yuki cared that he had hurt Kyo. And all of Yuki's feelings had been brought up in that conversation, and Kyo wouldn't let him keep them to himself. Kyo had every right to act that way. He needed Yuki to be open. But now Yuki felt stupid. I probably didn't need to tell him quite as much as I did.

 

He sighed. What does he think of me now? I don't know… I don't even know what I think of myself, I… He looked around the room, flustered. I don't want to feel like this. I… no, I don't want to be like that, unfeeling, but… but… I don't want to be like this, either. And it was all for nothing—all of that. I hurt him for nothing! He… what if he hates me now… because I did all that and I couldn't even protect him? I mean… I know he won't say he does, but…

 

Tears came to Yuki's eyes. He rubbed them away. He was sick of crying. He said before that he wants to be friends again, but does he still? Does he really want me back? And if he does… what if I lose him again? This time Yuki didn't bother to dry his tears. I don't think I could go through this a second time. He drew in a shaky breath and sighed. No, I could. I'd make myself. But I wouldn't want to live anymore if I had to do this again. If Akito's going to stop it again, I hope he does it right away, because I can't get him back and lose him again.

 

Yuki got out of bed now. He stood by his window. I can't… do this. Not until I know I won't lose him. He sighed. Assuming he actually still wants me as his friend. Which is doubtful. I hurt him so badly. Why on earth would he want a friend who's willing to hurt him? No matter how good a cause… I… He sat down on the windowsill. He deserves so much better. Doesn't he realize that? Is he that desperate? He blinked as his eyes moistened again. How can I possibly ask him to take me back, after what I did? He looked down. Maybe I should let it be anyway. I'd only end up hurting him again. It's not like Akito's going to be okay with us being friends now. I probably shouldn't have let myself go so much after I failed… or something…

 

“Ne, Yuki-nii?”

 

Yuki looked behind him, startled. “Oh. Hi.” He hastily slapped at his face, and stood up. “What's up?”

 

Kyo's face rapidly assumed an expression of concern. “Were you crying?”

 

“I'm… I'm fine. Really.” He drew in a shaky breath. “How are you?”

 

Kyo looked at him curiously. He came close and touched Yuki's shoulder. “What's wrong?”

 

“Nothing, I just… I'm just in a weird mood.”

 

“Yuki, please stop hiding.”

 

Yuki closed his eyes, turned away, and sat on his bed. “What do you mean, hiding?” he said. “I've never felt so exposed.” He felt Kyo sit beside him.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Yuki sighed. “You wouldn't understand.”

 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kyo fold his arms. “I might.”

 

“Kyo, you're open with people. With me, that's… that's scary. Especially lately. And I'm not used to… to feeling again.” He gave a short sigh. “Why am I telling you this?”

 

“Because I asked.”

 

“Why do you want to know?”

 

“Because you're my friend, and I want to understand. And I don't want you to keep backing off from everyone.”

 

“You still want to be friends?” All of Yuki's determination to end the friendship for good evaporated in a split second. He couldn't.

 

“Why do you keep asking that? I said yes. I want to be your friend. I want you to be mine.”

 

“After what I did…”

 

“And I forgave you. I like you, Yuki.”

 

No. No, this wasn't right. Yuki couldn't be happy again at Kyo's expense, and it was impossible to imagine that Kyo wouldn't be hurt again. He shook his head. “You shouldn't.”

 

Kyo blinked. “What?”

 

“I'm sorry. You shouldn't. I'd only end up hurting you again.” Yuki closed his eyes. “I don't hate you. I like you. But… we shouldn't be friends again. I'm sorry. Akito… it's not like he's going to just let this go now. This—” He stopped with a start when he felt a hand on his chin. He opened his eyes to see Kyo looking straight at him.

 

“I think I have a say in this, don't I?” he asked firmly. He sounded almost angry. “Or do you think you're god or something?”

 

Yuki opened his mouth to speak, then closed it for a moment. “Don't you get it?” he asked. “This can't work.” Kamis, he wished Kyo would stop always being so difficult. It was hard enough to deal with his own reluctance.

 

Kyo was holding down his temper. It was obvious. He looked at the floor. “I don't give a damn what Akito says or does to me.” He looked up. His eyes looked redder than usual. “I'm not letting you go again!”

 

“Kyo…”

 

“What do you think this is? I'm not your pet, that you can turn me over to another owner because you can't take care of me.”

 

“That's not…”

 

“That's what you're acting like. I'm not a girl either, so quit all this stupid stuff about wanting to protect me.”

 

“I…”

 

“We are friends,” Kyo said firmly. “Friendship goes both ways. We have equal say, and we work together. So stop acting like you can make decisions for me.”

 

Yuki blinked. Kyo had changed a lot since they'd first become friends. Back then he'd acted like he was a stray cat who couldn't understand why Yuki would want him. Yuki had tried to treat him like an equal, but he hadn't claimed equality until just now. “I'm not trying to make decisions for you,” he said at last, calmly. “I'm only trying to tell you, this isn't a good idea.”

 

“So now you're my advisor? Do you think I'm an idiot? I know Akito is jealous over you. I knew from the moment this began that Akito wouldn't like it. I figured we'd go against him together.”

 

Yuki felt a pang of guilt. “But what could possibly be worth all of this?” he asked. “Lots of people like you, Kyo.”

 

“So you thought I could just replace you?”

 

“Well…”

 

“I'm not some dog who'll love every person that gives him treats.”

 

“I didn't say…”

 

“Well, actions speak louder than words.” Kyo's expression softened. “If I was just friends with you for what I got out of it, why would I have held on for so long?”

 

“I don't know.” Yuki was dangerously close to tears, and he didn't even know why.

 

“Did you think there's nothing to like about you except your kindness?”

 

“I guess there was the piano…”

 

There was a silence, and in the interval Yuki looked up slightly. He watched Kyo's face break into an ironic smile. “You idiot,” his cousin said at last. “You thought that was why I decided to be your friend?” He put a hand on Yuki's head. “You're worse than I am.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I loved the music. But that's not why I wanted to be friends with you. It was only a medium.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I got to know you. The real you. The you hiding beneath that prince mask all the time.” He moved his hand to Yuki's forehead and made a motion like he was taking something off Yuki's face, then lowered his hand. “The person I hated was Prince Yuki after all,” he said. “I hardly knew the real you. The real you was mischievous, clever, friendly, creative, and a lot of fun. But the real you was also lonely, and scared.” He cocked his head. “But the real you didn't seem so lonely when we were together, and I liked that. And yeah, I panicked and was an idiot for a while, but when I came around, I realized I liked the real you… and somehow the real you liked me. And I realized I could be a friend to you… that I could make you happy.” He smiled. “That's a pretty big thing for me.”

 

Yuki was stunned. No one had ever said things like this. He got “kind” and “princely” a lot, but never what Kyo was saying. No one's ever known me that well. Not even Haru, I think. “But…” His tears had fought their way to his lashes. It wasn't fair. He'd only meant to be kind to Kyo at the beginning. He'd never expected to be so happy. It wasn't fair that he had been so happy. It couldn't possibly be fair now, when he'd hurt Kyo so badly. “Kyo…”

 

“It was the first real friendship I ever had,” Kyo continued, sitting close to Yuki and putting an arm around him. “I wasn't afraid. I could give, and I could take, and I wasn't afraid. And the longer we were friends, the more you opened up, and I liked you. Not everything about you, but most of it.” He clapped Yuki on the back. “And I knew Akito wouldn't like it. You were the one who thought you could defy the zodiac and everything would be fine. I was the one who was being realistic about it, remember?”

 

“What the hell are you thinking? Are you insane? Do you think the family doesn't care that I'm the cat? Do you have any idea what they'd think if they knew you wanted to be my friend?! What Akito would think?!” Yes, Kyo had been well aware of what could happen. “Yeah. You were pretty adamantly against it.”

 

Kyo shook his head. “Not really. I just couldn't believe that you'd be willing to risk all of that on me. I thought you were going nuts, and then I realized you weren't… and I figured if it was worth it to you, I'd have to be an idiot not to take you up on it. You had a lot more to lose than I did.”

 

Yuki closed his eyes, gathered up his knees, and leaned his forehead against them. This was too much. “So you thought it through, decided it was a stupid idea, but wanted to do it anyway?”

 

Kyo gave a laugh. “That's about right.”

 

Yuki made some sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. “Stupid cat.”

 

“Smarter than you,” Kyo replied, messing the hair on the back of Yuki's head. “What's the matter with you, anyway? You think you don't deserve to be happy or something?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What'd you ever do wrong?”

 

“I don't know.”

 

“Hey, look at me.” Yuki looked up. There were tears in his eyes, and Kyo rubbed them away with his palm. “If it's okay for me to be happy, it's definitely okay for you to be happy. Okay?”

 

“O… okay.”

 

Kyo smiled, then looked mock-stern. “So no more nonsense about `we can't be friends because you'd hurt me', okay?”

 

Yuki hesitated, then relaxed. It was true. He shouldn't make Kyo's decisions for him, and if it was worth it to Kyo, he should let it be. Saito had let him play piano even with the threat of getting hurt. “Okay.”

 

Kyo smiled again, and pulled him into a tight hug. “You're a real piece of work,” he said with a laugh. He held Yuki at arm's length for a moment. “But I guess I'm not one to talk. We'll work on each other.”

 

Yuki nodded, swallowing. “Okay.” It couldn't possibly be fair to be this happy. Tears came to his eyes again.

 

“Yuki?” Kyo sounded concerned, but Yuki couldn't explain. He was thinking back, remembering pressing his nose against the window of the car, watching the other Juunishi children, desperately wishing for a friend. He remembered the children who had asked him to play, the first friends he'd ever had. Now it was happening again, except Kyo wouldn't forget him.

 

And Kyo knew his faults, probably better than anyone. He'd shown his worst side to Kyo almost their entire lives—that vindictive, bitter side of him that reminded him all too much of Akito sometimes. That side of him that turned resentment into stone walls with holes through which to shoot poisoned darts. Perhaps Kyo had started it, but Yuki had been the furthest thing from innocent. But now, here was Kyo, sitting beside him, arm around him, rubbing his shoulders. He'd been forgiven, and accepted. “Yuki-nii…” Kyo was really starting to sound worried.

 

“Thank you,” Yuki whispered. He tried to get a hold of himself, and ended up laughing a little through his tears. “I'm sorry I'm such… an emotional wreck.”

 

“It's okay,” Kyo said. “I mean, it kind of makes sense. I'm just a little worried about your asthma.”

 

“I'm okay.” Yuki leaned against Kyo and smiled. “I promise I'll get back to normal eventually.”

 

Kyo laughed. “I hope so. I never know what to do when you're crying.”

 

“Neither do I,” Yuki replied. He sat up, and drew in a shaky breath. “You're a good friend.” He took the tissue Kyo handed him and blew his nose. “Thank you.”

 

Kyo seemed a bit uncertain for a moment, but then smiled when he saw that Yuki was okay. “So… do you want to… do something?”

 

“Do something?”

 

“You know. Like play cards or something.”

 

“Oh. Um…” Just like that? “I…” I don't really want to compete right now. “Do you like puzzles?”

 

Kyo shrugged. “Sure. Do you have any?”

 

“Yeah.” He rose to his feet, still feeling a little shaky. He got a puzzle off his shelf. “I've only got landscapes. Is that okay?”

 

“Sure, I don't care.”

 

Maybe he's trying to calm me down. Yuki smiled. He really is kind of awkward when he tries to cheer people up. I think that's why he's so good at it.

 

“What are you smiling about?” Kyo grumbled.

 

Yuki laughed a little, and took another tissue to dry his face. “This one's the mountains. Here.” He set the puzzle on the ground and shakily sat down. Kyo steadied him, seeing that he was weak. Too bad they couldn't spar now.

 

“How many pieces is it?”

 

“A thousand.”

 

“A thousand! I've never done a puzzle more than three hundred!”

 

Yuki smiled. “Well, there's two of us. It shouldn't be too hard.” He opened the puzzle and began sorting through, picking out the edge pieces.

 

“What are you doing?” Kyo asked.

 

“You do the outline first. That way you now how big the puzzle is.”

 

Kyo looked at him blankly for a second, then seemed to understand. His face cleared. “That's not a bad idea.”

 

“You don't do that?” asked Yuki, surprised.

 

“Well I don't do puzzles that often,” Kyo said, beginning to pick out the edges. “I probably would have figured it out if I did.”

 

Yuki smiled at him, and kept working on the edge. They worked in silence for some time. Yuki was better at it than Kyo was, but he was catching on.

 

“You know, it was kind of like putting a puzzle together,” Kyo commented presently.

 

“What was?”

 

“Figuring you out. It was like I had all these pieces that wouldn't fit together right, and a few here and there that didn't even belong to the same puzzle. But I had enough that I could sort of guess at what the picture was, and that's why I started trying especially hard to figure it out. Akito sort of provided me with the missing pieces.” He shrugged.

 

Yuki paused. “Kyo, are you still mad at me at all?”

 

Kyo was quiet for a minute, fitting another piece together. “Not really mad exactly. I'm still kind of miffed that you saw me as someone you had to protect. I mean, it's not like I'm Tohru. But… I guess I would have done the same thing. Probably.” He sighed. “I think it's more just weird, because… I mean, I know I couldn't do something like that. No matter why I was doing it. But… I get that it was really hard. You… you really would have had to have been thinking about it all the time.”

 

Yuki nodded. “It's hard having your guard constantly up.”

 

“It's kind of scary that you can be like that, though. Like… like nothing else mattered except the goal, or at least it didn't matter as much as the goal. I think… I think what gets to me the most, though, is that if I hadn't figured it out, I would have lost you forever.” He looked at Yuki. “I'm glad I lost the bracelet instead of you. Even if I don't get it back. What hurt most all that time was that I was losing you, not that you were hurting my feelings. I wouldn't have just gotten over it.”

 

Yuki paused. “Well… there was Haru, and Tohru, and shihan…”

 

Kyo's eyebrows raised. “That's why you never got upset when everyone wanted to spend time with me?”

 

“No, I wanted them to. I didn't want you to be alone.”

 

“Even at your expense?”

 

“I didn't want anyone near me. I was afraid.”

 

Kyo paused for a moment, and connected another piece. “Do you want people near you now?”

 

“Yes.” Yuki's voice was soft. “But at the same time… I'm so gun-shy now.”

 

“I can tell. Going on like that a few minutes ago. Quit scaring me like that. This is one team you are definitely not allowed to back out of.”

 

Yuki sighed a little. “I'm scared,” he whispered. “I'm so scared to start this up again.”

 

“We're not starting up again. We're picking up where we left off.”

 

Yuki was quiet for a few minutes as he worked on one section of the puzzle. “How can you be like this?” he asked quietly.

 

“Me? Like what?”

 

“I don't get it. Before you decided you hated me, and then you decided you liked me… and no matter what I did… why?”

 

Kyo smiled. “I could ask you the same thing. Why'd you like me at the very beginning? All I'd ever done was try to hurt you.”

 

“That was different,” Yuki replied. “I never really hated you. You always hated me.”

 

“Well yeah, but… like I said, the person I hated wasn't really you. I'd just invented this bad guy in my mind, and you didn't match the description. I was actually kind of mad at you for that at first. You took away a pretty big part of my life, but the thing is… you let me be your friend instead. Does that make sense?”

 

“Not really.”

 

Kyo smiled a little. “I couldn't just drop you. I'd built too much of my life around you. I mean, I couldn't go from totally obsessed with beating you to not caring about you at all.” He fit a section he'd been working on into the rest of the puzzle. “I guess it's true that there's a fine line between hatred and love. But see, I couldn't go back to that—back to the way we were before. I couldn't. Even if I thought the friendship was never real… I didn't want to hate you again. It hurt even more than you hating me.”

 

“Would you have given up on me eventually?”

 

Kyo paused. “I don't know. But I know it wouldn't have been in the near future.”

 

Yuki fit together another piece. “You know… you're a little bit like Haru. When you care about someone… it's not based on reason.” His heart felt like it would burst, and he closed his eyes. “Thank you.”

 

Kyo looked confused. “Why're you always thanking me?” he asked. “I'm not doing anything great. This is how I always act. You're thanking me for being me?”

 

Yuki laughed. “It's just… so good to not have to worry that you'll find something you don't like… I can't imagine…”

 

“I never said I didn't find anything I didn't like,” Kyo said. “I just don't have to like everything. I mean, what kind of relationship would it be if you liked everything about someone? There'd be no growth or anything. And no one could really be themselves, because they'd keep feeling like they have this image to protect. That if they do something that goes against the image, the person won't like them anymore. I'd go nuts.”

 

Yuki looked up, thoughtfully. “Is that how you feel, Kyo-nii? Like you don't need people to like everything about you?”

 

“Well, yeah.” He smiled. “People should see people as real people. Not just what they want to see. That's what I think. They shouldn't just act like people's darker sides don't exist. Because then those people are always afraid that their darker sides will be revealed, and then they'll lose their friends.” His smile had faded and his voice had gone quiet. Yuki saw him glance at his wrist, and realized that this had a much more personal meaning for Kyo than it would for most people. He felt a stab of guilt. Then Kyo looked up, and smiled a little. “See, with you, now I know I don't have to worry about all that crap either.” He looked back at the puzzle. “Ne, I think I've seen this view before. I know these are the mountains were Shishou and I trained.” He looked at Yuki. “We should go there sometime. It'd be fun.”

 

“You and me?”

 

“Sure. We could have a camping trip or something.”

 

Yuki's face lit up. “Really?”

 

Kyo gave him a curious glance. “Yuki-nii, haven't you ever been camping?”

 

Yuki shook his head. “I always wanted to, though.”

 

“That stinks. Sure, we'll have to go sometime. Sometime soon.” He paused, then grinned. “We'll have to get cameras.”

 

“We'll have to watch out for Jason,” Yuki said.

 

“Huh?”

 

Yuki laughed a little.

 

“What… you damn rat, are you making fun of me?”

 

“Don't worry about it,” Yuki said. “But yeah, it would be fun to go camping. But… what if it rained?”

 

“Oh.” Kyo frowned. “Well, then we'll have to wait until I get it back.”

 

“Kyo…”

 

“I'll get it back. Don't worry. And if I don't, we'll just wait until a dry week.”

 

“Okay,” Yuki said, slumping.

 

“Yuki-nii, stop feeling so bad about it. I'm happy, so you cheer up too, or I'll go crazy. Smile.”

 

Yuki smiled a little. “Okay.”

 

“Good. Now let's finish this puzzle.”