Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Ebony and Ivory ❯ A Different Kind of Fear ( Chapter 40 )

CHAPTER 40: A Different Kind of Fear

 

Yuki blinked open his eyes, and turned his head toward the sun. He felt better today. He would probably be well enough to go to school soon.

 

“Ah, you are awake, my adorable little brother!!”

 

Yuki froze, felt sure he almost had a heart attack, and wished he had.

 

“Oh, how wonderful!” Ayame cried, coming and sitting on Yuki's bed. “You are so overcome with joy that I am finally at your side again that you have been rendered speechless!”

 

“Nii-san, what are you doing here?” Yuki asked, still trying not to look.

 

“What's this? Surely Yuki, you know that your nii-san has traveled distant miles for the sake of coming to help you feel better because you are ill! There are only three men in the world who would go to such lengths, and of course number one is I, who always care about the well being and health of my most magnificent little brother!”

 

Yuki slumped a little, and at last looked. He was touched that Ayame cared, but… “Thanks, nii-san. But I'm fine. Really.”

 

Ayame's eyes widened. “Are you quite certain of that?” he asked. He put his hand against Yuki's forehead. “You have a fever!” he cried, and then he suddenly hugged Yuki tightly. “To think that you have been so sick, and so lonely, with no one at your side to offer you any comfort! Oh, that wicked, wicked Hatori! He told me that I couldn't come and see you earlier, no matter how many times I explained to him that nothing but my wonderful presence could restore you to full health!”

 

Yuki closed his eyes, mentally thanked Hatori, and then managed to pull away enough that his brother's embrace was at least somewhat relaxed. “I haven't been all alone, nii-san. Shigure, Kyo, and Honda-san were here, and Haru visited.”

 

“Ah, yes! Kyo-kun! I have heard all about the tragic tale, my dearest brother—so sad, and yet with such a wonderful conclusion, with rediscovered friendship and love! I must say that I completely understand. You must remember that even though it seemed that all was dark and dismal, the seed will soon come out of the cold earth and blossom into a brand new romantic sunshine!”

 

Yuki turned to Ayame, staring. “Nii-san, seeds do not blossom into romantic sunshines. Now will you let go of me please? You're suffocating me.” Ayame let go with one arm, which Yuki decided was good enough.

 

“What can I do to help you feel better?” Ayame asked, slightly more seriously. “Would you like tea? Peaches?”

 

“Um… either is fine,” Yuki replied.

 

Ayame sprang up. “It so happens that I have actually brought peaches, fresh from the market! Yes, yes, you may feel free to thank me for being so thoughtful. I will go and retrieve them. Tohru-san is peeling them downstairs.”

 

“Please don't work her like that,” Yuki said with a sigh.

 

“What's this? She likes that sort of thing, Yuki! She would do anything to help her beloved prince!”

 

Yuki didn't bother telling his brother that he was pretty sure Tohru liked Kyo. He just nodded. “Okay, nii-san.” With a flourish, Ayame left the room to go and get the peaches. Yuki lay down again, already exhausted. In about five minutes, Ayame returned, with peeled peaches and tea. He immediately set them down on the table.

 

“Yuki-kun! I was only away for a few minutes, and yet you have fainted! But you mustn't worry! My wonderful tea will restore you to perfect health in no time at all.”

 

“Nii-san, I'm awake. I haven't fainted. But thank you.”

 

Ayame's eyes widened again. He ran to the door as Yuki sipped his tea. Yuki knew what was coming. It happened every time.

 

“Nii-san, you don't need to report everything to Hatori,” he said, as Ayame began to call down the stairs.

 

“Hatori!” Ayame cried. “Come at once!” Yuki heard Hatori run up the stairs, apparently thinking it was an emergency. He rolled his eyes, and tried to ignore the high-volume one-sided conversation taking place fifteen feet in front of him. “You wouldn't believe what has just happened!” Ayame cried jubilantly. “Yuki—yes, that Yuki! He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said that it meant so much to him that I had come to aid him in his illness and make him my delicious tea!”

 

Yuki heard Hatori sigh. “I'm glad to hear it,” Hatori replied. “But shouldn't you be attending Yuki?”

 

“Oh, of course!”

 

Thanks a lot, Hatori. Yuki tried to think of a way to settle his brother. “This is good tea,” he said. “What kind is it?”

 

“It's the Ayame blend!” Ayame cried happily. “It is my special tea, able to be drank by only a few individuals in the world, and of course number one is my beloved Yuki-kun! But I alone can know the recipe.”

 

“Just as long as it's palatable,” Yuki replied, taking another sip.

 

Ayame stayed the entire afternoon, until Hatori took him home just before dinner. Yuki just lay in bed, eyes closed, waiting for the overstimulation to wear off.

 

“Is he gone?”

 

Yuki opened his eyes to see Kyo peeking around the doorway. He smiled. “Yeah, he's gone.”

 

Kyo sighed with obvious relief and came in. “Well, did he restore his beloved brother to health with his magnificent tea?”

 

Yuki laughed a little. “It actually was good tea, though.” He closed his eyes. “I think I'll take a nap for just a little while. Then we can do something. Okay?”

 

Kyo looked slightly disappointed, but then smiled. “Okay. Call me when you wake up.” But Yuki didn't hear him. He was already asleep.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Yuki was out of his room by Tuesday. Even Hatori was surprised at how rapidly he was improving. He seemed to have come down with a mild case of bronchitis, for which Hatori blamed himself, but he had the will to get better now. Thus assured, Hatori went back to the Main House, leaving instructions for Shigure, Tohru, and Kyo.

 

It bothered Kyo that Yuki was still not over his depression. He was participating in family life again, thankfully, and he ate without being told to. But he still seemed a little distant. He wasn't anything like how he had been last week, when you looked at him and had to look again to make sure he was breathing. But he still wasn't back to normal, how Kyo wanted him to be.

 

Little by little, though, Yuki was beginning to smile again, and once or twice Kyo had even made him laugh. And they were spending time together, especially since Kyo, without his bracelet, still couldn't go to school. It had been difficult to explain to the teachers exactly why Kyo couldn't go to school, but Shigure had come up with something. Kyo hoped against hope that it hadn't been something embarrassing. Yuki said he would be going back to school soon, and that he would study with Kyo. Kyo was glad of that, though he didn't relish the thought of being home alone all day or, worse, being home all day with just Shigure. But it would be fun to study with Yuki again. It would be fun to do anything with Yuki again.

 

Kyo vaguely wondered if he was stifling Yuki by wanted to spend so much time with him, but he couldn't help it. And besides, Yuki always seemed depressed. He needed to be cheered up. And as his friend, it was Kyo's duty to make sure he was. He had been so depressed for so long. It had been scary.

 

“Kyo-nii?”

 

Kyo turned around from the dishes he had been washing to help Tohru, and smiled. “Hey.”

 

Yuki smiled back, looking almost reassured. “Can I help?”

 

“Sure, if you want to.” Kyo moved over a little to let Yuki in. “How're you doing?”

 

“Well, bronchitis isn't exactly a walk in the park, but I'm better than I was before.”

 

“Um… that's good and all, but that wasn't really what I meant.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Yuki, you scared me for a while. Scared everyone. Is that over with?”

 

“Oh. Yeah, I guess.”

 

“Good.” They finished up the dishes and sat at the kotatsu, both lost in their separate thoughts. Kyo remembered that less than a week ago, he had buried himself in the kotatsu to escape the feeling of death he had gotten from Yuki. How he had been desperate for someone to come home, because then it wouldn't be so easy to believe that Yuki was a ghost. What kind of depression was that? Kyo never would have imagined it was possible to be that down. Kyo felt a twinge of fear. If he got like this over losing me… what's going to happen when it happens again?

 

“Yuki-nii, this wasn't all over me, was it?”

 

“What?”

 

“The whole depression and slow suicide bit. The stuff about not eating, and acting like you were dead, and lying out in the snow, barefoot. I mean, that was just plain scary. Was that all over me?”

 

Yuki was quiet for a minute, leaning forward on his arms. “You were the trigger,” he said at last. “But… that wasn't… a new way for me to act.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Yuki sighed. “I'd rather not talk about it.”

 

Kyo leaned his cheek against his palm, looking at Yuki. He shivered. “Yuki… look…” He sighed a little. “You can't be like this. I can't take it. The last time you got like this, you ended up backing away entirely. And I… I need to know what's real and what isn't. You've got to stop hiding. I need to know who you really are.” He looked at Yuki, who seemed to somehow look very small. He touched Yuki's arm, causing him to jump in alarm, as though he had become completely lost in his thoughts. “Yuki, you can trust me.”

 

Yuki looked down. “I know I can,” he said at last. “It's just…” He closed his eyes for a second. “It's… I… I was like that before. That's why Haru got so freaked out. Because he saw me like that.”

 

“Wait a second. When?”

 

“When I was younger. It was… it was before we really knew each other, though we'd met. It was just before I came to live with Shigure.”

 

“What happened exactly?”

 

Yuki closed his eyes. “Do you remember when Kisa came to stay with us?”

 

“When she couldn't talk?”

 

“Yeah. There was a time… there was a time that, like her… I became so shut inside myself that I couldn't even talk. I… I was afraid to be with people, and… I just shut down.” He was staring straight ahead, and his voice was flat.

 

Kyo didn't know what to say. He could hardly imagine it. Yuki, the strong one, hiding inside himself like Kisa? “Yuki… why?”

 

Yuki closed his eyes. “Akito.” He pressed his lips together. “Stuff happened.”

 

Kyo decided not to pry. “So… it was like falling into an old habit?”

 

Yuki sighed, sounding relieved. “Exactly. I taught myself to shut down when I couldn't handle it anymore. It was all I could do. It was the only way I could survive. So in this situation too… when all I could feel was pain… I cut off my feelings.”

 

“This was like a conscious decision?”

 

Yuki considered. “It's more something that just happens. The decision comes when I decide whether or not to give into it. Eventually I reach a breaking point, and I can resist it, but I can also decide not to.”

 

“You'd have to be pretty damn hopeless, though.”

 

Yuki shrugged a little. “Everything that had been so wonderful before had collapsed. And I couldn't see any hope for things to get better again. Kyo, I thought I'd lost you forever.”

 

“One more day, and it would have happened that way,” Kyo said. “Which is why I don't get why you're not really glad it ended.”

 

“I am in some ways,” Yuki said. “Just…”

 

“You're mad that you failed.”

 

“I'm mad that I failed you.”

 

“You didn't, though. You never caved. I was the one who figured it out. I was working against you. You don't really give me much credit, thinking it was all on you.”

 

“But I gave you basis for hope.”

 

“No, Saito-san did. Even if you hadn't called me Kyo-nii, I would have bumped into him. Probably. I don't know. That's sort of a weird argument, Yuki, the “would've-could've, should've” bit. I mean, it kind of depends on whether you believe in fate or not. I don't know if I do. If you want to go really far back, it's completely my fault, because I told Tohru to go to bed that night, and said I'd wait up for you instead. That was a fluke. And a pretty damn decent one, if you ask me. I'm glad things didn't work out quite the way you wanted.” He sighed. “Anyway, I don't want you to go back like that. No matter what happens.”

 

“I'll try.” Yuki sighed. “It's hard to resist. It's easier not to feel. And safer.”

 

“Yeah, but you shouldn't be like that. Because then you start doing stupid things like not eating and going out in the frigid cold when you're sick. I don't want you to kill yourself. Not over me or anything else. Okay?”

 

“Like I said, I'll try.” Yuki leaned into his arms. “Right now it's hard, though. It's hard to feel again when you're used to not feeling.” He looked up, and Kyo saw in his eyes a yearning, a need, for understanding. “You need to realize, Kyo … this isn't just a mask I can take off, like you're always saying. That's why it's taking me a little while. Because… because this is me.”

 

“It doesn't have to be,” Kyo said. Yuki looked back at him, startled. “I mean,” Kyo continued, “it's okay to let go of whatever happened. Little by little. When you have people you can depend on.”

 

“Kyo-nii, I trust you. I really do. I trust that you won't leave me. What I don't trust is that you won't be taken away.”

 

Kyo looked down. “Well, you could visit.”

 

“Oh no, I will… I mean, if there's really nothing we can do to keep you out… that is… I'm more worried that something will happen, and… I don't know. All I know is that Akito is very good at tearing relationships apart.”

 

“He won't get us again.”

 

Yuki looked at him. “How can you be so confident?” He looked almost irritated.

 

Kyo shrugged, and smiled a little. “`Cause we've pretty much been through hell, and we're still friends.”

 

Yuki looked down, his face clearing. “You might have a point.”

 

“You need to stop being such a pessimist.”

 

“Yeah, that's what you told me right before Akito called.” He didn't sound angry or bitter, merely as though he were stating a fact.

 

“I'm home!” called a voice from the front door.

 

“Welcome back.” Both Kyo and Yuki smiled at Tohru, and then at Haru, who came behind her. “Hi, Haru,” Yuki said, rising.

 

Haru smiled back and gave him a tentative hug. “How are you doing?” he asked, sitting beside Yuki as Tohru took a place beside Kyo.

 

“Much better,” Yuki said with a smile. “Do you know everything that's going on?”

 

“I've heard a lot of really confused accounts, so not really. But I get that you don't hate Kyo for real, so that's good. But yeah, I'd like an explanation at some point. I'm just glad to see you looking better, though. You've got that light in your eyes again.”

 

Yuki looked away, rolling his “lit” eyes. “Haru, you are so weird.”

 

“You're one to talk,” Haru replied. “This is the first time I've seen you act normal in months. Tori-nii says you're finally gaining weight again, and eating without being told. He said you'll be back to school soon.”

 

Yuki nodded. “A couple days.”

 

“So what exactly is wrong with you, Kyo?” Haru asked.

 

“You don't know about the bracelet?” Kyo asked.

 

“Oh… it's that bad that you can't even go to school?”

 

“Too risky. So far it hasn't been a problem, but… yeah.”

 

There was an awkward silence. “Does anyone want to play dai hin min?” Tohru asked. Haru and Kyo agreed, as did Yuki after catching a glance from Kyo. Kyo was calmer than usual as they played. It was partly because it had been cloudy today, and he didn't want to take any unnecessary risks, but more because he didn't feel like shouting. He was thinking about Yuki, and watching as he tentatively joined in the game. He looked a little scared, but seemed reassured whenever he caught Kyo's eyes. Haru won. It had been a while since the others had played.

 

“Haa-kun,” Shigure said presently, coming in. “It looks like there's going to be a rainstorm soon. You should probably get home before it starts.”

 

Kyo glanced at Shigure, sensing a double meaning in the words. He didn't care. He agreed.

 

“I guess,” Haru said, glancing outside. He glanced at Kyo too, discreetly. But Kyo saw. He pretended not to. “See you tomorrow at school, then, Honda-san?”

 

“Yes! See you then.” Haru smiled at everyone and left.

 

“I hope he doesn't get caught in the rain,” Yuki said. “It takes him forever to get home.” He glanced at Kyo. “You okay?”

 

They're all scared. “Yeah.” I'm scared too. “Yeah, I'm fine.” Don't talk about it. Don't think about it unless you absolutely have to.

 

Not talking about it and not thinking about it didn't do any good, because halfway through dinner, Kyo felt the familiar pain. He instantly rose from the table and ran to the front porch, reaching it just as the transformation began. All three of the others ran after him, stopping at the door when they saw what was happening. Yuki was the closest, and he stepped forward first. “Don't run.”

 

Kyo waited for the pain to subside before speaking. He wanted to run. He wanted to be in the shelter of the forest, not in the sight of his friends. But now Yuki was touching him, kneeling beside him. “I'm fine,” Kyo said at last. “Just wait for the rain to stop. I'll be fine.”

 

“Kyo-kun shouldn't run out in the rain.” How had Tohru gotten on his other side? Was he that disoriented?

 

“Please,” Kyo said, something that came out as a scream. “I don't want to be seen like this.”

 

“Kyo-nii, let us stay with you,” Yuki said. “You don't have to be alone.”

 

At last the pain subsided to a dull ache, and Yuki and Tohru were still there, one on either side of him. Like before. Kyo relaxed a little. Kamis, he wanted them there so, so badly, and here they were. But they had to be dying right now. “You guys… don't need to do this.”

 

“We want to,” Tohru said. “Don't worry, Kyo-kun. Um… are you hungry? You didn't finish eating.”

 

“Not really,” Kyo replied. “I'm not really sure what I'd eat in this form anyway.”

 

“I'll get the food for you two, though.” Shigure, who was still standing by the door, went inside and then brought out their plates. “Yours is inside for you when you change back,” Shigure said. “I'll be in my office. They're right. You shouldn't run. If you do, one or both of these two will go after you, and you'll all end up getting wet and dirty.” Kyo felt a little bemused. Leave it to Shigure to apply practicality to his true form.

 

The rain lasted a while. The trio sat in relative silence, punctuated occasionally by Tohru telling both of them what was going on at school, and with Uotoni and Hanajima. But she became quiet after a while, and at last Kyo looked over and saw her leaning forward, hugging her knees, eyes closed.

 

“I think Tohru's asleep.”

 

Yuki looked past Kyo to Tohru. “Yeah.”

 

“I can't believe she could fall asleep here.” Kyo paused. “You should get her a blanket.”

 

“Okay.” Yuki went inside, and came out a few minutes later with several blankets. He lay Tohru down on one and spread another over her. Then he wrapped another around Kyo. The last one he put around his own shoulders, and then he sat down again beside his cousin. “I wonder when it will stop raining,” he said casually.

 

He wants it to stop raining. He's scared. Kyo sighed. I need to know. “Yuki?”

 

Yuki looked at him. “Yes?”

 

“Are… are you scared… when I'm like this? Please tell me the truth.”

 

Yuki looked away, and watched the rain for several minutes. “A little,” he said at last. “But… it's a different kind of fear.” He gathered up his knees, wrapping the blanket around himself further.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Yuki paused before speaking. “When I was at the Main House… I was always scared of Akito. Whenever he was anywhere near me… whenever I heard his voice… I wanted to run and hide. But at the same time, I knew it wouldn't do me any good. Because he would catch me. There was no way I could escape him, even after I left the Main House. I was so scared… sometimes I just wanted to die, rather than keep being afraid.” He shivered a little. “But with you… it's not like that. I'm not afraid of you. Just the body you're in. It's only animal instinct that tells me to be afraid of something that looks dangerous. That doesn't matter. I don't want to run and hide from you.”

 

Kyo sighed. Yuki looked up at him, and moved a little closer. Kyo could feel his warmth. “The thing is,” Yuki continued softly, “you're more afraid of your true form than I am.”

 

Kyo didn't bother denying it. It was true.

 

“But with you,” Yuki said, now leaning a little against Kyo's arm, “people would look at you, and not understand why you're afraid. After all, there's nothing that can hurt you in this form. Or so it would seem.” He took a deep breath and sighed. “But that isn't real fear, being afraid of pain. That's instinct. Real fear attacks your mind. It eats at you until you would rather die than keep going. You feel like you can never get away. You want to run, and you do, but you never get anywhere, and you can never hide, because it follows you, and finds you.”

 

How can he possibly understand that? Kyo stared as Yuki's eyes became distant. But then he seemed to come back a little. “It makes you feel ashamed. Like you can never get out. Can never be normal.” Yuki wrapped the blanket a little tighter around himself. “Somehow… Kyo-nii… you're afraid of your true form the way I am of Akito.”

 

Kyo turned to Yuki, suddenly understanding the connection. Yuki looked up at him, then moved closer still, so that Kyo's arm was almost around him.

 

“The worst thing…” Yuki whispered, “The worst thing when you feel like that… is to be alone. When someone is with you… someone who loves you… even if they can't do anything about what you're afraid of… even if they can't help you escape… even if they can't really ease your fear… even if they don't even understand… somehow… it makes a difference.” He closed his eyes. “Maybe you still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it makes you just a little bit more able to believe in it.” He smiled gently. “It's good to have people to welcome you at the end, but what you need the most is someone to walk beside you, even when it gets hard. That's what friends do.”

 

Kyo blinked back his tears. He looked at his cousin, who was now leaning against his arm, eyes closed. “Thank you,” he whispered.

 

Yuki opened his eyes and smiled. “Thank you,” he replied, “for letting me walk with you. And for walking with me.”

 

They sat like that for a long time. Kyo was lost in thought. He's right. It doesn't matter whether you can do something. What matters is that you're there. He's there. So is she. And Shishou. He felt a calm settle over him as he watched the rain stop. Even if they can't do anything, they're there. And they always will be, even when I can't see them. He braced himself against the pain as his form reversed. Yuki, who had begun to nod against Kyo's arm, now sat up. At last it was over. Yuki sat close to him, and wrapped the blanket he had been wearing around them both. He hugged Kyo tightly. Kyo had never felt so warm.