Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Gunlock Fan Fiction ❯ Longing1: The Road Less Traveled ❯ Epilogue ( Chapter 7 )

Epilogue

 

 

Amethyst

 

“Him that I love, I wish to be free… Even from me.” -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

I had to push him away. I had to. And it is more than the fact that I am now *officially* Toua Genjyo Sanzo Houshi Sama, highest ranked monk in the world, have been for the past ten years, and I have no business profaning the Holy Temple with stupid, frantic, furtive make-out sessions in the shadows like a foolish teenager…

 

It is more than the fact that his kisses still render me weak, so weak and helpless and meltingly soft in his arms, setting my blood on fire and causing my heart to thunder in my chest…

 

It is the way he moans my name, like he is drowning… It is the words, the *words* that almost fall from those sinful lips yet again; the words which I cannot bear to hear him say, for fear of my heart breaking with the sheer hopelessness of it all.

 

Fuck, who am I kidding… I would give anything, *everything*, for the freedom to hear him whisper those words again and again in my ear, as much as he wants; for the right to lie in each other's arms night after night; for the sweet privilege of possessing him and being possessed by him, forever.

 

But this is how things are. And I ache for him, I *ache* for the sheer futility of his unspoken devotion. I am furious with him for refusing to listen to me, to forget about me and move on with his life.

 

Still, undeniably selfish, hypocritical *bastard* that I am, I wait. Every time he goes away, I count the minutes, the hours, the days. And I wait. I wait for the one who gives meaning to my life. Who is the *meaning* of my life. Who has been both my weakness and my strength, since he opened his door one rainy night and stole my soul, unbeknownst to me at the time. I wait for the one who gave my soul back to me, that bleak, hopeless day ten years ago, and opened my eyes to the truth of my own feelings for him. And that same day I surrendered my soul back to him for safekeeping.

 

I live for the day that I see the familiar, beloved, mischievous figure standing down there in the courtyard, looking up at me with naked worship in his eyes. I wait for the day when I go down coolly and greet him mildly, with my heart pounding madly in my chest the whole time. * My soul has returned. *

 

You came.

 

Of course I did.

 

You shouldn't have. You mustn't.

 

I choose YOU.

 

 

Ruby

 

“Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.” -- Wallace Stegner

 

 

Dammit! One week, seven *fucking* days, and all my self-control blown to smithereens. I could have spent three months by his side again; three long, agonizing, tortuous months sharing his table, conversing with him, sitting silently by as he conducts his affairs as is demanded of him, until he is free to spend some time with me, smoking in quiet companionship, drinking, talking, reminiscing…

 

… Stealing yearning glances, fighting against the overpowering longing to clasp his body against mine, to press hungry burning kisses all over that impossibly perfect face, to crush his lips beneath my lips, to claim him in sweet possession…

 

Well I certainly cracked, didn't I, stupid, BAKA erokappa. I certainly caved in last night; and oh it was good, so *good* to have him in my arms again, after so long… The last time had been five years ago, when I immediately disappeared for a year and a half after the incident. Then, it was he who had crumbled; it was he who slammed me hard against the pillar, in the cool moonlit shadows of the courtyard. Without warning I was pinned helplessly between cold, unyielding stone and his hard, burning body, his mouth ravishing mine, groaning desperately.

 

It was he who capitulated; but it was still I who drove him back, unintentionally, when I groaned against his mouth, as I did last night. “ * Sanzo… God, how I love you…* “ Only, just like last night, I didn't get to finish my sentence the last time either. I never get to finish it.

 

And so I go away again, with his words from long ago echoing in my mind, “This is the way it has to be…” And he always throws it to my face that I have a choice, the goddamn bastard. My corrupt monk. Can't he see? The only choice is *him*. In whatever way I can have him. That is why I come back, that is why I return to him, again and again. That is why I will return again, when the longing cuts too deep for me to bear.

 

* I choose him. * The untouchable, enigmatic, beautiful man who can have whoever he wants - well, he would, if he were not the Holiest of Holies - and he, who could have anyone he chooses, for whatever reason under heaven, wants * only me * . No matter that it is forbidden. Each time our eyes meet he opens himself and lets me see into his soul, and there… * I see only myself. *

 

Fucking unbelievable. But it is a truth that I guard jealously, that I hoard secretly to me. Sanzo lives for me. And he is my redemption. Because he loves only me - he loves this red hair, and these red eyes, and the scars that just last night he had caressed oh-so-tenderly. Sanzo loves me, Sha Gojyo.

 

He has never spoken the words, as he will never allow me to speak them to him, but I know. I know. Because he goes on, day after day, just as he promised me, so long ago in the woods, with the stars for witness. He goes on, even though the cloistered temple life must fucking be killing him.

 

* He goes on. For me. *

 

And it is enough.

 

… Isn't it?

 

~*~*~*~

 

Sun In The Night

Lighthouse Family

 

How many times in your life

Have you ever had the feeling that

The way you live is crazy

And there must be something else

When you look at the sky

Does it ever cross your mind

There could be something you've forgotten

That won't ever go away

 

Like the sun

In the night

Like the sun

In the night

 

You'll always be with me, baby

Here in my soul

You'll always be with me

Wherever I go

 

It gets too much after a while

Try to always hide your feelings

When the world is going crazy

And you keep it to yourself

How much it hurts

Though you try, try to get on with your life

You tell yourself that worse things happen

And just hope it goes away

 

Like the sun

In the night

Like the sun

In the night

 

You'll always be with me, baby

Here in my soul

You'll always be with me

Wherever I go

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

 

 

“The best love affairs are those we never had.” -Norman Lindsay

 

 

Ruby/Amethyst

 

Wait for me. I'm coming back. I might take longer this time, until I reign myself in, but I'm coming back.

 

I know you will. You choose me. I know.

 

I love you.

 

I know.

 

Do you love me?

 

Don't you know, baka erokappa? It's the only thing keeping me alive.

 

I know, my beautiful, corrupt monk. I know.

 

What happens when I go? What happens when all that is left when you appear out of nowhere is just a cold grave?

 

Ah. Maybe then I will be allowed to finish my sentence, ne? … And *then* the banishing gun will finally fire its last bullet.

 

So ka.

 

Will you give it to me, the next time I come?

 

No.

 

You goddamn selfish bouzo…

 

I'll give it to you when I feel the time is near. I'll give it to you.

 

You promise, my love?

 

… Cross *your* heart, baka erokappa…

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

“I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence -

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

Robert Frost

 

 

-owari-