Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ O.R. ❯ Episode 1 ( Chapter 2 )

WARNINGS: (1) None of the authors have ever or ever will be studying medical science. All medical aspects of this fiction are based entirely on the authors' half-assed research and bullshitting. Input in this matter is very much welcomed, but flames are futile. (2) In the instances where you find the crack lame, the authors' suggest you laugh at the authors' lameness instead -- like the authors did when writing said lame crack. (3) The risk of sudden, random exposures to 80s rock songs in this fic is high, precaution is recommended. (4) References to classic movie and/or TV moments are not indicative towards the authors' age.

 

Thank you so much to our beta bloodhill. We couldn't have done it without you.

 

 

O.R.

 

Episode 1

 

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You know where you are?

You're in the jungle, baby

You're gonna die!

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your shun- na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na- knees, knees

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Feel my, my, my serpentine

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your shun- na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na- knees, knees

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your

It's gonna bring you down!

Ha!

 

--- “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns n' Roses

 

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Naruto stopped dead in his track, making the other nine first year surgical residents that were walking behind him bumped on to each other. Ten pairs of eyes watched the glass double door in front of them closely. They all knew that there, behind that door, was the Surgical Department of Konoha University Hospital.

 

It wasn't really their first time stepping in to the surgery wing. They all had finished their ten weeks rotation in this division as a clinical year medical student. Plus, they spent five weeks of their internship in this very department. So they weren't supposed to feel that overwhelmed… right?

 

Wrong.

 

Apparently, when you walked down that soft green ward as a full-fledged M.D. who was about to start your way to become a surgeon, the pressure of what that place was slammed you right on the face with full force.

 

With eyes full of determination, Naruto lifted his right fist and looked up. “Mom…,” he muttered to himself. “I know that you can see me from up there. Watch me, Mom. I'm about to take my first step in to fulfilling my promise to you.”

 

The blonde closed his eyes and took a deep breath, drowning in his own personal emo moment.

 

SMACK!

 

“What do you think you're doing, dobe?! Are you trying to get all of us late on our first day? Get out of the way!”

 

Thankfully every one was somewhat nervous about their first day, so they just followed demurely when Naruto entered the door while rubbing the back of his head that just got smacked. As per instructed a couple of days before, they went straight to the door closest to the entrance which had a sign saying “O.R. Nurse Station” and huddled in front of it, waiting for their briefing.

 

Next to that door stood an intimidating blonde woman, looking very professional in dark red, shirt collar blouse and black, slim pants. Her blond hair was tied in to four -- yes, four -- spiky ponytails, but her sharp gaze prevented anyone from commenting.

 

“Three minutes and fourteen seconds late,” she said in a clip tone, making Naruto gulp while everyone else glared at him. “Make sure that it doesn't. happen. again.”

 

The new future-surgeons gave their acknowledgment with various responses of nods, “Yes, ma'am”s and “Hn”s before the scary woman continued. “I am Temari Sabaku, fifth year resident. I've been made Chief of Resident so I'll be taking care of you slowpokes and your seniors from now on. My first advice for you: Never mess with me.

 

Temari didn't wait for any response before looking at her clipboard and called, “Doctor Aburame.”

 

Shinou blinked. “…?”

 

“Doctor Akimichi.”

 

Chouji snapped his head up. “Y-yes, doctor?”

 

“Doctor Haruno.”

 

Sakura raised her hand, cowering under Temari's commanding stare.

 

“Doctor Hyouton,” a raised hand, “doctor Inuzuka… doctor Root… doctor Sabaku… doctor Uchiha… doctor Uzumaki… doctor Yamanaka… Good, everyone's here. Starting tomorrow, you will clock in at the front office as you come in. Tardiness will no longer be tolerated.”

 

Again, everyone glared at Naruto who could only gulp and blush. Their Chief didn't exactly yell -- they were in a hospital -- but her low, threatening voice sounded more menacing than any yelling could. She then eyed her charges head to toe and scowled.

 

“Inappropriate attire is also unacceptable. Although you'll be wearing scrubs once you're here, whenever and wherever you are you're representing Konoha University Hospital. We have respectable doctors working here, not sluts. We don't spend hours gelling our hair to endanger people walking behind us and we don't show off our bellybuttons.”

 

Sasuke glared at the wall behind the Chief, while Sai and Ino discreetly put their arms around their revealed abdomen.

 

“And if tomorrow you still arrive here wearing jeans,” Temari paused for effect while most of the rookies -- since most of them were wearing jeans -- flinched, “you might as well go back home because you're not welcomed here. Jeans might be necessary when you work construction. It might be comfortable when you study in class or stroll down the mall. It's not acceptable when you work in this working environment as certified, respected, professional M.Ds.”

 

Right at that moment, three men wearing jeans sauntered in and walked passed them. One of them, whose jeans were faded blue, topped with a faded t-shirt and an unbuttoned flannel shirt that matched the color of his converse sneakers perfectly, smiled to Temari. Somehow keeping a Tuohy needle between his lips, he said, “What's with that scowl so early in the morning, doctor Sabaku? You should smile more. Makes you look younger.”

 

The other one's jeans were dark blue and topped with white shirt and worn-out leather jacket. The helmet clutched in his left hand explained the strange way his white, silvery, obviously gelled hair angled to the side, but none of the ten newbie was sure about that and they were more interested in wondering why he was wearing a surgical mask. The man snickered, “Are these the new `in-house staff'? Looking good.”

 

The last one, whose grungy denim pants were black and topped with a black, turtleneck pullover, chuckled as he strolled along, his hands in his pockets and his black boots making a slight squeaky sound on the pristine floor. He smiled at Chouji and Ino without anyone else noticing before he said, “Take it easy with these guys, Sabaku. Psychological traumas are troublesome.”

 

The new residents could only stare as their Chief nodded to the three men politely, making it obvious that those men were doctors that actually worked there, all of them probably surgeons, although they looked more like punk rockers. There was awkward silence as those men walked further and further away in all innocence, as if they had nothing to do with ruining Temari's moment. If this was a manga, a bird would be flying by, leaving a trail of dots above everyone's heads.

 

“If you let that little performance fool you then you better go home now, before I take you to the locker room. It'll save you the time of packing up again,” Temari grated to keep up with appearance. Her charges snapped back to attention. “We have here, as attending physicians, the best surgeons in the country if not the world. You think they care that you made it through med school and internship with flying colors so that you're accepted here? Hell, they don't even care about you. The only thing they care about is how well you perform in the Operating Room. They will be brutal.”

 

Temari paused to let her words sink in. Seeing the air getting drearier, she continued. “So kill those over-inflated ego of yours, work on your discipline, studies and resolve, don't take anything they throw at you personally and learn from them instead, and you'll probably survive the next five years without any permanent damage. Understand?”

 

With the tension and dark aura pinning them down again, the ten new arrivals could only nod their heads quietly, making their Chief cackled inwardly in victory. Sasuke was still glaring, but Temari figured the guy must've been born that way or something. Hey, it was her job to keep with the tradition of making the new kids thought they were walking towards the gallows in their first day. She wouldn't let some trio of insane attending physicians stop her from doing it, damn it!

 

With the time ticking away and more people passing by, Temari knew it was time to get things going. “Okay, boys and girls. Let's get this show on the road. Follow me, and please try to keep up. Wouldn't want any of you to get lost and cry for mommy.”

 

As everyone started moving, a large, middle-aged man with a mass of white hair came to the O.R Nurse Station door where nurses started filing out.

 

“Hey there, cupcakes,” he greeted, winking to the young, pretty, blushing nurses. “And how are we doing today?”

 

“I'd be careful if I were you, doctor,” said a nurse whose nametag said `Head of O.R. Nurse' and had red eyes, smiling mischievously. “The missus might see you, and you'll be in big trouble.”

 

The old doctor laughed. “Don't worry, Kurenai. My wife isn't here. And neither is your husband, now that you mention it. How are you doing?”

 

“JIRAIYA!” the shriek made Naruto and his friends look back, eyes big as saucers. “You old… ugly… senile… perverted… GOAT!”

 

“Shit,” Jiraiya ducked to dodge a flying shoe. “Tsunade, darling, you misunderstand. I was just-”

 

“Don't give me that crap!” roared a blonde woman -- the one who just called Jiraiya a goat while throwing a shoe at him, the ten rookies noticed -- while running towards her husband. She was unbelievably fast for someone wearing only her left shoe, and it had high heels, too.

 

Jiraiya ran, passing the ten new residents, while Tsunade picked up her right shoe and followed in pursuit, waving said shoe as if it was a deadly weapon.

 

“Don't run, you jackass! I'll cut you up and feed you to…”

 

The rest Tsunade's rant became inaudible as the pair chased each other deeper in to Konoha University Hospital's surgical wing, while ten first year residents stared with various dumbstruck expressions. After all, who hadn't heard of doctors Jiraiya and Tsunade, both considered as legendary surgeons in their respective fields?

 

Temari, however, merely shrugged and kept walking. “Like I said, they're brutal.”

 

-----------------------------------------

 

“This is your locker room,” Temari announced once they entered the room. “Each of you will get your own locker and of course… this.”

 

`This' was a set of scrubs.

 

Pink scrubs.

 

“And, of course, the matching scrub cap.”

 

Yeah, right…

 

Since when did Hawaiian print considered a match with pastel pink? But nobody was crazy enough to say otherwise. So, when their Chief of Resident started to distribute the super-chic uniform, they accepted it and murmured their thanks.

 

Sakura, who actually liked pink, stepped forward to take the scrubs rather eagerly. However, the oldest doctor Sabaku changed her mind after seeing that mass of pink hair.

 

“Pink scrubs will clash with your hair color, so I think this one will do you much better.”

 

It took all the willpower in doctor Haruno's body to hold her desire to scream at the orange scrubs. But she accepted it nevertheless. Saying thank you was never so hard before.

 

“Um, doctor Sabaku?”

 

“Yes, doctor Uzumaki?”

 

“Can I have the orange one too?”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

Naruto grinned his thousand-watt grin. “Yes. I like orange.”

 

Oh-kay, Temari thought, this was new. But what the hell. The weird kid could wear paste yellow for all she cared.

 

“Sure, why not? Here you go,” she said as she handed the hideous scrubs to Naruto. “Anyone else?”

 

Silence.

 

“Now that everyone is satisfied with their scrubs and caps, why don't you-”

 

The sound of the door being opened cut Temari's words. Four young men strolled into the room, but they stopped instantly when they saw a bunch of unfamiliar faces in front of them.

 

“Oh, good, you're all here,” Temari greeted them. She then waved her right hand towards the new in-house staff. “Meet the first year residents.”

 

The four young men studied their ten juniors fleetingly, only remembering faces since they were bound to know each other as the days role by anyway. Their Chief, however, knew that it was mandatory for the rookies to know which senior was which.

 

“Okay, kids, listen up. Don't forget any of these guys because they're probably the only lifeline you have here, just like me. I'll only introduce them once, so pay attention.”

 

Ten eyes focused on the four elders like puppies.

 

“The handsome guy with the hair is doctor Hyuuga, second year. The one with the upside-down bowl on his head is doctor Rock, also second year. As you all know, residency in clinical urology starts after only one year of general surgery residency, so starting today he's a urology resident. Tall, dark and sexy over there is doctor Momochi, a fifth year resident like me. Last but not least is doctor Sabaku, second year, just starting neurosurgery. And yes, we're related. If you got confused, his first name is Kankurou. Any questions?”

 

Naruto raised his hand. Again.

 

“Yes?”

 

“So, um, are the two of you related with this doctor Sabaku?” he asked while pointing to Gaara, who glowered at anyone who dared to look at him.

 

Temari rolled her eyes. “Yes, doctor Uzumaki, we are. Now, any important questions?”

 

Silence permeated the room, which meant the ten rookies had probably grafted all those information in their heads. However, unknown to most of the people in that room, right at that moment, two thunderbolts had struck.

 

“She's so beautiful…” muttered Zabuza to himself -- and anybody that was close enough to hear him.

 

“I know,” replied Lee with dreamy eyes.

 

“Just look at that long, lustrous, black hair…”

 

“You mean short, sensual, pink hair?”

 

“No, it's black. And if anyone's colorblind around here, it's definitely you. By the way, you do realize that you're wearing a neon green body-suit and bright yellow socks, right?”

 

While Neji remained quiet and cool as usual, Kankurou was trying his damnedest not to laugh. “You're not colorblind, Zabuza, you're just blind. There're only two girls there, that pink haired girl and the blonde one.”

 

“No, there're three of them,” replied Zabuza stubbornly. “Look, I'll prove it you.”

 

The tanned soon-to-be surgeon walked closer to his newly-found object of affection and cleared his throat before verbalizing what was on his mind in his deep, sexy voice. “Would you please tell me your name, Miss…?”

 

“Haku Hyouton,” answered the beautiful man calmly. “And I'm not a girl.”

 

Zabuza didn't give up. He had never been this captivated by a person before, and since he wasn't gay, this must be a girl. Ignoring Kankurou's snicker, he pushed on. “Are you sure?”

 

Haku was getting more and more annoyed. “Last time I check, which was this morning when I peed standing up, I still have my penis. So yeah, I'm sure.”

 

“Okay, it's settled then. Now, those of you with penis just go to the left changing room and those of you without penis go to the right one,” Temari's voice boomed to get things going. Not caring about the panicked way Sakura dodge the kiss Lee sent her through the air, she let out her trademarked naughty smirk. “Let's make all of you presentable before we begin the real tour.”

 

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“Excuse me, doctor Maito,” said Temari as she signaled the first year residents to follow her into the office that was so… green. “I have here with me the first year residents.”

 

“Ah yes… come in,” replied Gai Maito, M.D., who also looked very green in his bright green suit, with a loud voice. “COME IN!”

 

While their eyes were being attacked by the brightness of Gai's clothes and their ears by the loudness of his voice, the rookies could only hope that their faces didn't let out any inappropriate expression. Hell, that guy was their Residency Administrator. He had the power to kick every single one of them out of this residency. So it was better for them if that upside-down-bowl-shaped haired urologist didn't get insulted today.

 

“When I woke up this morning, I could see that the sun was so bright and the sky was so blue, and I thought… wow… it must be the best time of the day. But, apparently, I was wrong!!!”

 

The last word was uttered so loud, some of the young doctors jumped back. Naruto, who was so ready to let out a laugh, was awarded with one lethal glare from Sasuke that made him change his mind right away.

 

“Yes, I was wrong. Now is the best time of the day! Because nothing in this world can be compared to the beauty of the youthfulness within you. Therefore, I, Gai Maito, M.D., as the administrator of Surgical Residency Program of Konoha University Hospital, welcome you all young doctors in this residency.”

 

The urologist took a breath, making the rookies thought he was done, only to make them jump again when he loudly continued, “And I beseech you! To burn those spirits in the springtime of youth, and use them as fuel in this fantastic ride of becoming. the best. surgeons. ever!”

 

Gai ended his speech in quite a pose; one thumb up and tears glistening in his eyes. And as weird as it might sound, the first year residents swore that they could see a sunset panorama materializing in that office.

 

Taking it as a cue that it was time to move on, Temari stepped forward and broke the illusion. “Thank you, doctor Maito, that was quite… inspiring. Now I need to move on with the tour so they can start their studies right away.”

 

“Of course! Don't let me hinder your youthful journey, young residents! Off with you, and I shall be here for any assistance you may need throughout your years of struggle!”

 

With that lengthy farewell, the Chief of Resident ushered her juniors out and closed the door behind her with a relieved sigh. One down, more office-full-of-maniacs than she could handle to go.

 

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“Next we're going to visit the office-slash-lounge of General Surgery,” explained Temari as they walked down a long corridor. “There you can find our House Surgeons, which are doctors Yamashiro, Suzume, Ebisu, and Nara. Sometimes you may find other general surgeons who occasionally work freelance for us. Ah, here we go.”

 

Opening a wooden door that said `General Surgery', Temari greeted, “Excuse me, doctors. I'm here with this year's new residents.”

 

Three heads looked up from a meeting table as six pairs of hands put down various forms of breakfast food. The ten younger visitors couldn't help but notice that all of the three surgeons were wearing sunglasses. And somehow, none of them could stop the thought that said, `Man, those are some wicked shades!'

 

Something was definitely off with this room.

 

Temari didn't even bat an eyelash. “Clockwise, we have doctor Ebisu, doctor Yamashiro and doctor Suzume. We all saw doctor Nara's arrival -- he was the one wearing black -- but apparently he's not here, probably in the O.R. already-”

 

“He's here,” interrupted one of the male surgeons with a grin, gesturing to the couch further inside the room with his head. However, since all they could see was the back of said couch, none of the residents was sure he wasn't just yanking their chain. “And hello to all of you, residents. I'm Aoba Yamashiro, general surgeon extraordinaire, ready to cut you open and tie you up with your own intestines if you screw up in my class. So don't.”

 

“Tsk,” the other male surgeon shook his head disapprovingly. “Ten new residents and only three of them female. This is lame.”

 

“Don't you mean two, Ebisu? All those porn you've been watching and you still can't tell the difference between male and female?” asked the female one while picking her bagel back up and biting it before turning her attention back to the guests. “By the way, the name's Suzume. Good to meet you.”

 

Ebisu eyed the ten wary-looking rookies critically before settling his gaze on Sakura. “You're a guy?”

 

Snicker.

 

Everyone -- including the red-faced, teeth-gritting Sakura and Haku -- turned their attention to the seemingly-unoccupied couch.

 

“Doctor Nara,” Temari greeted blandly, even though the recipient of her greeting was no where in sight. “It's very nice of you to finally join us. Do you have anything to say to these new surgeons-to-be, sir?”

 

Snore.

 

“Doctor Nara?”

 

Snoooore.

 

“Doctor Nara?”

 

SNOOOORE!

 

“Right. Let's move on.”

 

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“Next is the Surgical Oncology Department. I'm sure you've all heard of its department head, Asuma Sarutobi Jr.?”

 

The ten first year residents gave various forms of confirmation, seeing as none of them haven't heard of the man that was said to be one of the finest oncology surgeons in the country.

 

“Good,” Temari said as he opened a door. “Here we are.”

 

All of the ten rookies thought they were ready for anything, but they obviously weren't ready to get assaulted by the scent of cigarette smoke. Smoking in a hospital? What the hell was wrong with these people?!

 

A large, bearded man, standing near the opened window, turned around when he heard the door opened.

 

“Good morning, doctor Sarutobi,” Temari greeted politely as if she didn't notice the burning cigarette between the man's lips and how her charges gaped at it. “Here are the new residents.”

 

“Oh, hello,” said Asuma with a friendly smile, pulling his cigarette off his lips with two fingers and blowing smoke outside the window. “Hawaiian prints, huh? Cool.”

 

Temari grinned and addressed her juniors again. “As you can see, doctor Sarutobi Jr. is not only a very experienced surgeon, but a very nice one. If you have any questions regarding oncology, he won't hesitate to help you.”

 

Sakura, already on the edge of her sanity after what happened in the General Surgery Department, couldn't quite stop her `everything must be prim and proper' instinct. Luckily, her survival instinct stopped her from saying anything other than, “Um…”

 

Asuma looked at her. “Yes, doctor…?”

 

“Um, Haruno, sir, um…”

 

“Yes, doctor Haruno?”

 

Since the young woman couldn't seem to voice whatever it was she needed to ask, Asuma opted to follow her gaze instead. He chuckled when he found that, apparently, the young doctor Haruno was staring at the big `No Smoking' sign on the wall, right above his head.

 

“Oh, that?” he said with a bright laugh. “That's for patients, not doctors.”

 

Another awkward moment took place, in which Temari finally sighed, “…Yeah. I think we should move on now. Thank you, doctor Sarutobi. Kids, let's go.”

 

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“In our Orthopedics, the head is doctor Kimimaro Kaguya. As all of you may already know, he's also a very famous surgeon.”

 

Again, the ten rookies only nodded as they thought about the legendary figure they were about to meet. They felt lucky for being the few people chosen for this chance to work in the same building with the orthopedist that was given the nickname “Bone Assembler”.

 

Temari opened the door, revealing a man with long, silvery, white hair sitting behind a desk. He looked up towards the people that just entered his office without stopping what he was doing, which was… gnawing a bone?

 

“Uh… Good morning, doctor Kaguya. I'm just here to introduce the new residents, and since we can all see that you're quite busy, we'll just run along. Thank you.”

 

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“Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery,” Temari said resignedly after they walked in silence for a while, no longer thinking that embellishing their surgeons' fame and reputation was a good idea. “Department head is doctor Ibiki Morino, and… here's the office.”

 

The door opened.

 

“Doctor Troy…”

 

“Yes…”

 

“I want you to make me a perfect ten…”

 

“That won't be a problem…”

 

“Ahem, doctor Morino?”

 

The big, scary man with scars on his face looked at them, clearly annoyed.

 

“These are the new residents…” Temari trailed off as the plastic surgeon ignored her and turned his attention back to the HDTV in front of him, obviously finding “Nip/Tuck” more interesting than whatever it was the Chief of Resident was saying.

 

The blonde finally sighed. “Right then, we'll just move on to the next department. Come on, guys.”

 

As they left the room and once again on the move, Naruto tugged the hem of Sasuke's scrubs. When the questioning glare came, he whispered shakily, “That's the guy I'm going to be stuck with when I enter Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery residency? He's… he's…”

 

“Hn?”

 

“He's scary…”

 

Sasuke was about to let out his usual grunt again, but then he saw that Naruto was near tears. He rolled his eyes, more at himself for caring than at his friend's antics, before deciding to give a more comforting respond…

 

“Dobe.”

 

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“In Neurosurgery, we have doctor Orochimaru heading the department, with doctors Kabuto Yakushi and Anko Mitarashi as attending physicians, doctor Itachi Uchiha as its last year resident and doctor Kankurou Sabaku whom you've met in the locker room earlier.”

 

Temari opened the door… and froze.

 

Meanwhile, the ten residents' brain was having a hard time processing the view. There was a middle aged, pale, long haired man. There was also a man who looked a lot younger, with light-grey hair pulled in to a ponytail and glasses perched on his nose. The younger man was bent over, half naked, wrists crossed together on one of the handles on a file cabinet, and had an obvious hard-on. The older man was… tying the younger man's wrists? To the file cabinet?

 

Sasuke paled.

 

Temari took a couple of steps backwards and closed the door.

 

“Alright then. Let's move on, shall we?”

 

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Ten first year residents followed their chief quietly, brains doing various forms of effort to permanently erase the newly-implanted picture. They didn't realize they had reached another door that said, `Tsunade, M.D.' and `Cardiothoracic Surgery Department'.

 

“You've met doctor Tsunade earlier,” Temari's voice pierced the rookies' silence. “Since she's a cardio transplant specialist, here we also have two cardio surgeons working under her supervision in our cardio transplant fellowship program, doctors Namiashi and Shizune.”

 

The ten younger doctors prepared themselves for whatever it was that would assault their vision as Temari opened the door. That preparation was proved futile when they were presented with a sequel to this morning's drama.

 

“Shut up, you old pervert! I don't believe you!” Tsunade yelled, pouting behind her desk.

 

“But Tsunade, my wife, my beloved,” Jiraiya pleaded. “I swear to you. Those nurses mean nothing. I was just being nice.”

 

“Nice my ass! Sometimes I wonder why I haven't divorced you yet!”

 

“No, honey, you can't mean that. Tsunade, you're the only one in my heart. Here,” Jiraiya put a hand on his chest, “you can cut my heart out and see for your self.”

 

“Fine, I will.” Tsunade held out a hand. “Scalpel.”

 

A female doctor -- who they presumed was Shizune -- produced a scalpel out of nowhere and put it on Tsunade's hand.

 

Jiraiya backed away. “Hold on, now, I didn't mean literally…”

 

“Raidou, hold him,” Tsunade ordered.

 

A large man with burn marks on his face and neck stood from where he was sitting and positioned himself behind Jiraiya, holding the old man by the shoulders.

 

“Wait, stop! Hey, hey, Namiashi, let me go! Tsunade, I know you're the best cardio surgeon there is, but you can't just take someone's heart out like this!”

 

“Watch me.”

 

Starting to panic, Jiraiya looked around frantically for an escape until his eyes caught the residents at the door.

 

“You! Er… erm… Sabaku, right? Help me! And you… you… people with Hawaiian prints scrub caps! Don't just stand there! Help meee…!”

 

Jiraiya's wailing and begging became more and more inaudible as Temari closed the door and led the ten residents to the next stop.

 

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“You've just met the head of our Gynecology and Obstetrics, doctor Jiraiya,” Temari deadpanned as they approached another door, making her juniors frown in denial at the memory. “Although we have several freelance surgeons working there, we also have one House Surgeon, doctor Kakashi Hatake, a maternal-fetal medicine specialist, whom you've also met.”

 

The rookies gave their chief questioning looks, so Temari elaborated. “He's the one carrying a helmet. Oh, and don't be surprised to see him with his surgical mask. No one has ever seen him take it off. You'll get used to it eventually.”

 

As the door to Gynecology and Obstetrics were opened, they were assaulted by very familiar noises of lovemaking, only without any female sound. Eh…?

 

“Yo, Sabaku. What's up?”

 

“Ah- ah- yes… yes…”

 

“Hello, doctor Hatake. I'm taking the rookies on a tour.”

 

“Faster… faster… yes… yes…”

 

Kakashi shifted his focus to the new residents and chuckled. “Well, hello, new staff with funny-looking scrub caps. How's doctor Sabaku been treating you?”

 

“Bend over, baby. Show me that ass…”

 

Apparently undisturbed by the erotic -- masculine -- sounds, Temari grinned. “I've been very gentle with them, doctor. By the way, is that the new DVD you ordered last week?”

 

“Oh, yeah… that's it, baby… harder…”

 

“Yep, just came in yesterday. You want to borrow it?”

 

“Oh… oh… oh, God…”

 

“Yes, thank you, sir! Anyway, we should be continuing the tour and leave you to this… documentary. The sooner you're done with it, the sooner I can borrow it. ”

 

“Oh… I'm coming… I'm coming…”

 

“Okay. Have fun, you guys.”

 

“Ah… ah… yes… yes… YES!”

 

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The rookies hadn't had the time to recover from the shock they had gotten in doctor Hatake's office when their chief dragged them into another office.

 

The name `Genma Shiranui, M.D.' that was written above `Anesthesiology Department' on the door indicated that the office belonged to one of the best anesthesiologist in the country. However, after being assaulted by weirder and weirder revelations at every door, the ten newbie couldn't help but feel a bit freaked out. Especially now that Temari had opened the door and all they could hear was laughter.

 

“Eheheheheh… Izumo, you look funny…” CRASH! “Ow…”

 

“Oh, no! Hahaha! Kotetsu fell off his chair! Ahahaha… here, I'll help you… hehehe…” BUMP! “Oops! I fell too! Hahaha…”

 

“Excuse me, doctor Shiranui. I would like to-”

 

“Just a minute, Sabaku,” Genma cut Temari's greeting while the two younger men in front of him helped each other get back on their seats, giggling at their own clumsiness. “Two more questions and I'll be done here.”

 

Temari nodded as the first year residents got another wave of shock.

 

Him? That's the famous anesthesiologist? The guy dressed like Kurt Cobain -- bless his soul -- from this morning?

 

“Okay, my two padawans,” the so-called `famous anesthesiologist' said cheerfully, turning his attention back to the two younger doctors in front of him. “We've established that you're in a relationship and that it's been going on a couple of months. Now tell me: Who's top?”

 

Izumo Kamizaki, M.D., third year anesthesiology resident, and his boyfriend, Kotetsu Hagane, M.D., also third year anesthesiology resident, were laughing their guts out at their boss's question. Suddenly their guffaw stopped but merely a second later, it started again. They were so, definitely, undoubtedly…

 

Stoned.

 

The ten new residents could only stare with various gob-smacked expressions as the fact sunk in veeery slowly due to shock. So people here don't just perform bondage or watch gay porn in their office, they get their residents high on anesthesia and interrogate said residents about their sex life, too?

 

“Um, what was the question?” asked Izumo between peels of laughter.

 

“Who's top?”

 

“We take turns,” answered Kotetsu with a snicker.

 

Genma let out a satisfied smile and pat both his residents on the head. “See? That's not so hard, right? Now, since doctor Hagane's been such a good boy, he gets to answer the last question.”

 

Kotetsu clapped his hands and giggled. “Oooh, cool…!”

 

Izumo pouted. “I've been a good boy, too…”

 

With a tone one would use to ask about the weather, the question came out. “So, Kotetsu, what's Izumo's favorite position?”

 

“Hey, ahaha…” Izumo guffawed. “I know that one! I know that one! It's um… um…”

 

“Doggy-style!” roared Kotetsu with all confidence, eyes shining.

 

“Nope,” snickered Izumo. “You got it wrong, hahaha… I like being fucked against the wall better! Nyah!”

 

Suddenly there was silence.

 

“Wait, you didn't know my favorite position?!”

 

“But I could've sworn you're louder when-”

 

“Oops,” Genma shrugged innocently as his residents went in to a full-blown lover spat filled with slurring, informative wails they would absolutely regret the second they got sober. “Now, doctor Sabaku, you were saying?”

 

“I just want to introduce these new kids to you, doctor.”

 

“Oh, yes! Hello, kids.”

 

Meanwhile, the lovers were still going at it.

 

“You lied! Hahaha…You said you love me, haha… er, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, heheh…You! You answered wrong!”

 

“I didn't lie! Ahahaha… I do love you, ehehe… So I answered wrong, so what? Hahaha…um, what did I answer wrong?”

 

“What you are seeing here, doctors, is the fun impact of nitrous dioxide,” doctor Shiranui explained, teacher-like, to his guests. He let them gape for a while before grinning. “Any of you like to try?”

 

All ten of the first year residents moved backward and shot their chief a pleading look.

 

“I guess not, huh?”

 

-----------------------------------------

 

“Just like anesthesiology, radiology is also a department that works closely to us,” Temari explained as they approached another door. “The head of radiology is doctor Yamato. We mostly use freelancers, but there is one resident here, who's already in his third year, doctor Iwashi Tatami.”

 

The door opened.

 

“A bit to the right… No, no, lift your right arm a bit, that's it… Now face left…”

 

“Like this?”

 

“Perfect! Now hold that position…”

 

A soft, low humming sound.

 

After all that they've seen and been trough, the ten new residents no longer knew how to react upon seeing a doctor posing behind some sort of glowing screen, looking very much like an Egyptian with a completely wrong costume in a completely wrong setting, with a straight face.

 

…How old were these doctors again?

 

“Okay,” Temari said nonchalantly. “The one posing is doctor Yamato and the one operating the machine is doctor Tatami. Now, let's move along. We have one more office to visit.”

 

-----------------------------------------

 

`Asuma Sarutobi Sr., M.D.' the new residents read. Below it, `Head of Surgical Department' was written elegantly in matching gold. After a soft knock, Temari opened the door and ushered them in. They were all tense, fearing what sort of madness would greet them this time, but nothing strange happened.

 

In fact, everything seemed normal.

 

Asuma Sarutobi Sr. stood behind his mahogany desk, hands behind his back, looking at the people entering his door. He looked like most men do in their late sixties, with white goatee, balding head and a nurturing smile.

 

“These are the new residents, I take it?” he asked nicely.

 

“Yes, doctor,” answered Temari politely. “I was just wrapping up their tour around the department.”

 

“Good, good,” he nodded several times. “Well, I don't have much to say to you, just that I'm looking forward to see your achievements and wish you all good luck.”

 

The new residents responded in variables of nods, “Thank you, sir”s and “Hn”s before Temari thanked the head of their department for his time and ushered them all out again. They were still wondering what the catch was, even as they walked further and further away from that office, until they arrived back in their locker room and Temari dismissed them to their scheduled duties for the day. Eventually, they all figured that they had somehow found a way out of Twilight Zone and were now safe in their new workplace.

 

Or so they thought.

 

Little did they know that, right after they filed out the department head's office and their chief closed the door behind them, Asuma Sarutobi Sr., M.D. brought his hands out from behind his back, revealing the binoculars they held. He didn't waste a second before using it to look out the window, right at the Konoha Nurse Academy dorm building across the street.

 

“Damn new residents… Can't let an old man have his fun… *grumble, grumble*…”

 

-----------------------------------------

 

 

 

A/N: Yes, doctor Sarutobi Asuma Sr. is the Third Hokage.

 

 

Next, on O.R.

 

Kakashi was making his clean transverse cut just above Mrs. McDreamy's bladder when the sounds of someone entering the room were heard.

 

“Glad you can finally join us here, Doug,” he greeted casually, not even bothering to look up from what he was doing. “Suction.”

 

“Um, I'm not doctor Ross. My name is Iruka Umino, the new pediatrician,” said the new person. Karin put down the clipboard where she kept track of the equipments and supplies being used. Then she proficiently took out clean surgical robe and mask from the autoclave before approaching the new doctor.

 

Curiosity got into Kakashi, making him turn his head to Iruka's direction just seconds before the nurse put a surgical mask on the pediatrician's face, and he got a glimpse of that tanned skin and full lips.

 

Thunderbolt struck. Again.

 

---

 

“You would rather live like this than in a small apartment?”

 

Kiba looked up and frowned. “Well… yeah.”

 

“I don't understand. In an apartment, no matter how dingy you think it is, you would still be sleeping on a bed and have a closet to store your belongings.”

 

“But I'd have to pay for it.”

 

“You have the money.”

 

“It's not worth it,” Kiba grumped with a childish pout. “If I have to pay for an apartment, it has to be a good one.”

 

That logic was lost on Shino. The way Kiba suddenly looked up at him with puppy eyes, however, wasn't. Oh, shit.

 

“Hey, what about your place? You have any extra room?”

 

---

 

Sasuke frowned as he saw the person assisting doctor Mitarashi. Although everyone down there were covered from head to toe and wore surgical masks, he would recognize those eyes anywhere.

 

Itachi.

 

Just as that thought pass, as though his older brother could tap into his brain, Itachi looked up and stared right at him. The amusement in those cold eyes was palpable, and Sasuke's hatred flared. With his intense stare, the younger Uchiha didn't miss those eyes shifted slightly, focusing on something other than him. There was a flash of interest in those eyes as their focus settled, followed by a calculating glint.

 

Hn.

 

The last person his brother stared at this way was that surfer boyfriend of his, Kisame or whatever, before they broke up. Who could've caught Itachi's attention now?

 

Curious, Sasuke followed that sharp gaze, trailing Itachi's line of sight. And at the end of that line, the younger Uchiha was more than surprised to find…

 

---

 

 

.