Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ A Pilot's Fate ❯ Chapter 3

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Pilot's Fate
Chapter Three
Ronin Setora

**Recap**
He again knew not what he felt about Rei and as he felt even this, an
unexpected guilt came over him with thoughts of...
"...Asuka?"
He spoke quietly to himself,
"That doesn't make sense."
** **

She sighed and wiped a bead of sweat from her brow. With her other hand she
placed the still lighted cigarette into an astray, drawing the dull flame of
the powders to a close. She ran her hand through her hair, removing it from
her vision.
"He... seems more open but..."
His eyes fell to a semi-open position, his lips barely parted and he
whispered as he replied,
"...but what?"
He stared deep into her eyes, her eyes that knew him, all of him, as his did
her. She stared back, letting her eyes reveal her emotions. Misato allowed
him to grip her hand as she thought.
"...but..."
She sighed again. Kaji spoke as quietly as before, but this time with his
confident smirk,
"You're going to ruin our... activities if you don't get this out."
His spare hand slid beneath the sheets... As Misato held back other sounds,
she spoke finally,
"Something still seems wrong. His... his voice was so..."
Her partner continued his actions and spoke as though outside, all at once,
"I don't know about his voice, but I know you're getting depressed."
His hand moved from its position,
"You shouldn't be... depressed."
His words slid out fluidly as he and Misato shifted. [a/n: the rest is
censored.]
*
Her eyes were cast toward her knees and her hands clenched leggings of her
pajamas. She wondered about the questions she wanted to ask, whether such
memories should be resurrected. In all her thought, the only physical action
she took was to stare toward her knees.
Though the other seemed distracted by the screen before, she could see all
her friend's subtle movements and could tell something was on her mind. As a
guest it was not her role to dive into another's issues... but as a friend
(and just being Asuka as she was) was it not her right to be concerned over
her closest? Despite all she wished to do, either in comfort or in quest to
satisfy her curiousity, the red-headed child continued pounding the buttons
of the controller.
Hikari glanced up for the seventh time in the last five minutes and began to
clear her throat. If she didn't speak now, she'd probably never get another
chance. She organized her words in her mind,
'Just ask her what she meant the other day. All I have to do is ask that...
but...'
She shook her head which drew Asuka's physical attention.
"Hikari. What's your problem?"
Hikari found comfort in her friend's old attitude- concise and without
restraint. Though, she also felt insulted that her very best friend would not
be gentler around her. But that was not her real concern and again she
cleared her throat, having finally summoned up the courage to ask her
question.
"Asuka... Asuka, what did you... uhm, I mean, what were you uhm... thinking I
mean... uhh..."
The Second Child knew in her mind as part of her reputation she should mock
or at least smile at the uncomfortable girl before her but all she could find
in her heart to do was sit in silence and wait.
Hikari attempted again to make her inquiry and hurriedly spat out the words,
"What had you really been thinking when you spoke to me the other day?! Uhm...
well, I.. I.. don't mean to be rude it's just... just..."
Asuka shut her eyes to hide the relief in them.
'She wondered about me... I had thought something...'
Hikari's focus on her friend intensified in the silence of Asuka's thoughts.
'Will... will she lie to me... again? Will she tell me again that nothing was
really wrong?'
Again the middle Horaki child felt slightly insulted that her closest friend
and confident would lie to her, but she remained quiet, not wanting to miss
even a whispered reply.
The response was just that, quiet. So quiet, Asuka's mouth barely moved as
she spoke. Her breaths were hardly even visible as her body seemed to still
totally. The response was one that surprised Hikari.
"I... hate him... at least," Asuka broke off momentarily, taking a small
breaths quickly that shook her body, "...at least, I think I hate him. I...
want to hate him..."
Hikari began to speak and was cut off.
"...but if I hate him..."
Her eyes grew tearful and her body continued to shiver.
"he might... hate me"
All Hikari could do was sit in awe, in wonder.
'What ... what happened to her...? She seems so...'
"Hikari?"
The word was weighted with sorrow, with despair. The word came quieter than
her previous confession and the next came even closer to silence, nearer to
tears,
"If he hated me... then I'd be... all alone..."
Hikari Horaki, possibly Asuka's one true friend, at least as far as the
student body knew, wanted to feel insulted again. She wanted to feel angry at
the Sohryu child but could not. She knew what Asuka meant. If she didn't have
Shinji, in whom she left a great deal of trust, no one could really
understand her experiences. A thought came to Hikari,
"...but, Rei doesn't hate you..."
As their conversation went on, the girls grew quieter and quieter. Asuka
spoke again,
"Ayanami... does not care for me... no one does..."
Her referall to Rei by a true name was evidence enough to Hikari that the
girl before her was not one of pride, of strength, but was one truly broken,
totally torn down. Even as far as removed from the throne she had placed her
self on as a confident superior to any opposition.
"....but... I... I still..."
Hikari stopped speaking and the two just sat in silence; Asuka a shattered mess
and Hikari surprised and hurt by the words released into the
room that night. As one they turned and lay upon their backs, each to watch
the ceiling with her own thoughts in mind.
*
//early morning, following day
Shinji lay upon his bedding, SDAT player running on shuffle-order through
recovered blues from before the Second Impact. A look rested upon his face
that few to none had seen before. The look was that of confidence, of
strength, of faith in himself. His thoughts were none like those he had
experienced those times before when the look was with him. Then, though they
had also been of determination, they were either spur-of-the-moment or during
a desperate situation. Now, they were of a plan. But before that, his
thoughts were more than thoughts- they were memories.
Memories of kisses he had shared with others. Kisses he could imagine from
his Mother, the emotionless kiss with Rei, the choking kiss with Asuka. As he
looked back now, he found, in some way he enjoyed them all. Shinji thought
over each of them, of the feeling of something besides food or blood on his
lips.
His kisses from his Mother only that- a family moment...
The kiss with Rei that felt odd, that seemed much like a family moment...
And the precious moments with Asuka's mouth pressed against his... before he
ran out of air.
All were... different. And at this point in time, as he debated his feelings
toward certain girls, all had their own degree of enjoyment behind them.
Though one stood out, so much unlike the rest. How he wished he could
experience that moment again...
Thus had come the look he wore now, as he developed a plan in his mind. Asuka
would be home from Hikari's by dinner. He felt he had done something to anger
her so perhaps he could fix it somehow. Again thoughts of his vow to stop
fleeing his problems came to him.
"I've gotta try... or nothing has really changed."
The issue of the real dinner came to him also, it was his day to cook. He
smiled at a reason to move before his thoughts grew sour.
*
Moonlight shone through the high window of the bathroom. The water, just run,
steamed slightly and waves formed as she lowered her body into its warmth. As
her skin adjusted to the water, she shut her eyes and relaxed. A small smile
was upon her face.
Sleep began to come to her at the same time as thoughts of Shinji. The
thoughts were not ones she felt were appropriate and were dismissed, but came
back to her in a few minutes. This time she did not push the thoughts but
enjoyed them while she drifted into her dreams.
In her dreams, once the perversion had died away, she relived the days spent
in perfect harmony with Shinji. As she slept, the water grew cool but her
thoughts warm as she remembered his face when he had saved her from the
volcano. Her smile grew.
Her thoughts began to jump between all the happy memories of Shinji she had,
the times he had saved or helped her, his constant apologies to her...
These most recent memories woke her as she thought over the past hours. Just
before she had come into the bath and after dinner, she had encountered
Shinji again, outside her door. He had just been sitting there, no disgusted
or depressed look, rather, one of fear. But not of a physical fear, one that
seemed a fear of hurt, a sadness.
He had looked up her and smiled weakly. She had not been able to scowl at him
or even speak. The word "baka" spun through her mind but refused to open her
pursed lips. He held his smile and his gaze; stared deep into her eyes before
speaking,
"I'm sorry."
She had begun to yell at him, was just opening her mouth to declare her
remaining outrage at his cowardly universal respone, but was cut off.
"Don't speak just yet."
She recoiled in surprise, her mouth still open and her eyes wide at his
voice. It sounded strong. And his eyes, they seemed... focused. He continued
without breaking eye contact,
"I don't really know... what happened a few days ago but... I'm sorry. I..."
His words ended there. Shinji rose, watched her for a few more moments, then
walked by, leaving her dazed and silent. She had watched her door, had
listened to his footsteps and quick breaths, she took her own thin breaths,
but did not move. All she could do was stand and think. Think of the new
Shinji before her, think of all she wished she could say to him. Think of how
glad she was he didn't hate her...
Asuka rose from the bath and wrapped herself in a towel, feeling refreshed.
Her mind was spinning with her thoughts, and she, though not appearing so,
was delighted.

During Asuka's rest in the bath, there was another engaged in thoughts. Her
thoughts though, were faint, unclear. Her thoughts were mostly of one before
her, were not her own really but still in her mind. Her thoughts at this time
were pleasant ones at least. Her deep red eyes' focus seemed elsewhere, as it
was, along with her mind. Her thoughts were becoming no longer memories, but
real thoughts, of her own. Along with these thoughts came feelings also...
feelings for an Ikari.
Her memories had been of moments shared with the Ikaris. Of previous Rei's
experiences with Gendo Ikari, how they had all enjoyed his company, his
attention. How one had been saved by him. How the one before had lost her arm
and her... life through him. All the Rei before had loved Gendo Ikari, if
anyone could truly love him. But with the small pieces of Yui in her, that
seemed part of her life, to love Gendo Ikari. But for the rest of her life,
the parts that were hers and not Yui's, she hated Gendo Ikari. At least she
thought she hated him, perhaps it was really her feelings for the one that
DID hate Gendo Ikari.
Her memories were then of previous Rei's, and her own experiences with
another Ikari. How one previous Rei had been saved by him, in the same manner
as Gendo. How he had fought because she had been defeated. Her thoughts were
now of Shinji's kind words each time another Rei or even she had been found
okay, or sometimes just alive. The way she was feeling about Shinji now
seemed to force all his feelings about his Father onto her.
But her own feelings didn't seem to matter, she didn't really know how to
convey them anyway. With this in mind she thought of other moments with
Ikari, memories that were truly hers- the night spent with Shinji before
Asuka's emotional entrance.
That night had been theirs and had been spent talking about everything. She
and Shinji had sat for hours talking about the EVA's, the Angels, Gendo and
Yui Ikari, about classmates, Misato, and most of all, themselves. Shinji
admitted then he still knew very little about her and it was sad for her that
she also did not know enough to be able to tell him anything.
Another memory with Ikari was that of their kiss. It was nothing it seemed
then, but now Rei thought she felt longing for that feeling again. If for
Gendo she truly felt hate, for Shinji did she feel love?
Few other memories came to Rei that night as she realized there was something
that would always be seperating her from Shinji romantically. She knew what
it was and regretted it. It was that piece that had to love Gendo. 'Damn that
woman,' was what Rei wished to say, but "that woman" was her life force and
there was nothing she could do about it.
*
Any spare moment Hikari had from school or talking to Touji, she was found
with Asuka. Never before had Asuka been one to talk about others in a
positive manner, nor had she ever chosen to reveal any feelings about others.
There must have really been something about her Chosen One now, as he seemed
to be the focal point of most of their conversations. It was now Hikari's
turn to ask Asuka a question that had once been asked her,
"What do you see in him?"
As they continued walking, Hikari remembered how she had been almost
embarrassed to answer and now her feelings were widely known. But Asuka,
Asuka never even answered the question, not really. All she said in reply
was,
"Who else has anything in them worthwhile?"
Hikari, though she could somewhat understand Asuka's infatuation with Ikari,
still did not get why she acted so differently. Not around Shinji or around
any other people, but with Hikari, she seemed extremely open and at times
emotional. This puzzled the Horaki child- undoubtedly Asuka had felt some of
these things before so why had she still been herself then? What had occured
in Asuka's mind that ripped her open like this? Hikari felt it was time to
find out.
"Asuka?"
The former pilot turned her head, a look of question upon her face. Hikari
continued with Asuka's full attention,
"What happened? I mean, what happened to you?"
Asuka stopped walking and switched her books from the left to the right hand.
"What do you mean?"
Hikari took a deep breath and began again,
"Something happened to you. Something... you talk alot more now about...
Shinji. And, you actually speak your feelings now. You don't seem the way you
used to and I wanna know what happened!"
She finished strong and her words hit Asuka hard. Things were being demanded
of her she never wanted to think about again. With Shinji around, those
things seemed to be dying away, why would Hikari choose now to ask about
them? The Second Child considered answering and thought of just the words
that had changed her. The words she had heard in her nightmares thousands of
times over...
'I don't wanna be alone..'
All during her thoughts she had been watching an ant crawl along the sidewalk
and as she looked up at Hikari, her eyes looked like they wanted to cry and
couldn't. Going against all the things her mind and heart told her, Hikari
did not withdraw the question.
Asuka held the stare and finally said,
"Can I stay at your house tonight?"
*
Shinji again lay upon his bedding staring at his ceiling. Her face circled in
his mind again and again along with all she had ever done to, or with him. He
thought of how glad he was now they had been forced to live together, if not,
he may have never found his confidence, never have found the happiness he had
now. Before he had been content with Misato but she had her own agenda now
that NERV was over and done. His thoughts drifted to the month after
Seventeenth Angel Tabris, when the corporation was finally dissolved.
--
"You will all live together, it saves trouble for the government."
Shinji was just fine with that solution, Rei, as usual, had no comment and
Touji had zoned out, thoughts of one girl no doubt. But Asuka could not
accept it right off.
"What kind of trouble could it save for them? The whole damn world knows
everything now don't they?!"
Misato shook her head,
"There are still things you all know, have experienced, have seen, that
normal people need not know. Plus, we believe it's better that way. None of
you should be left alone and," she took a very brief glance at Shinji, "none
of you have anyone to return to."
After a few more exchanges, Asuka finally gave up- she knew there was no way
she wanted to go back to her false family, so why not stay here with
something somewhat more real?
--
Shinji's thoughts again fell upon the Second Child. He had not been surprised
she did not speak when he confronted her the day before. He was glad though
that she did not appear angry at him any longer. The First Child did not know
what had occured in Asuka's own mind about that night, but he knew it felt
good to be on level ground with her, somewhat. He found himself wishing for
her company again and did not dislike the thought of them together.
"...Asuka."

~To be Continued~

a/n: Well, solutions are to come I'd like to believe. I am enjoying writing
this and I hope you all enjoy reading it. I get the feeling the next will be
the last so, review (good or bad, no matter to me) and I may get out Ch. 4
faster.