Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction ❯ For A Life Together ❯ These Painful Feelings ( Chapter 5 )

"Oh God, Lord Van! Lord Van! Wake-" Van shot up from bed screaming and fending away whatever was holding him down. Merle flew off of the bed landing on her hind roughly. His hand went to his throat and sucked in all the air that his lungs demanded.

"L-Lord Van?" His hands clenched the blanket that was wrapped and tangled about his hips. His finely, chiseled chest was covered in a sheen layer of sweat. 'Hitomi,' his mind chanted. 'Where's Hitomi? Is she alright? Was that real?'

His eyes scanned his bedroom, seeing everything the same except for Merle getting up to her feet. She was at his side again, a little hesitant to touch him but she took hold of his fisted hand.

"Are you okay?" She studied him as he just nodded because he didn't want it to seem as though something was wrong. "Don't lie to me! You were screaming like you were dying, being tortured! I-It was horrible, Van. What happened?" Tears were welling up in her eyes as he continued to think of what to say. He felt his throat constricting, feeling like he had no voice.

"Merle" He forced out in a soft whisper.

"No Lord Van!" Merle yelled at him and caused him to face her; startled from her harsh outburst. "It's Hitomi, isn't it?" Her voice was surprisingly bitter.

"Merle?" She grabbed his shoulders tightly, digging her nails into his broad shoulders.

"ISN'T IT?" She yelled as he noticed tears slipping down her cheeks. "No! Forget about her! She's never coming back! Don't you know? She's probably having fun with her friends and courting some man already. She probably forgot about you-" His heart tightened as he heard what she was saying. Doubting them and their love.

"NO!" He screamed, his anger rising. "No, you're wrong Merle! She didn't forget! She promised."

"But she lives on the MYSTIC MOON, you live on GAEA! There's no way for you to be with each other. You have to forget about her!"

"No Merle." Van's voice held vehemence. "We will be together."

"But Lord Van-"

"MERLE!" He pushed her aside as he stood up from his bed, feeling the cool air against his damp skin as he walked toward his bathroom. "I will not hear another word from you, do you hear me?"

"She's not coming back! You're hurting yourself because you think you love-"

"I said, ENOUGH!" His voice raged. He glared at her as she tried to keep her ground against him but she couldn't look him straight in the eye. She could see that he was furious and intently glaring daggers at her.

Suddenly, there was banging at his bedroom door. "Your Majesty?" The door flew open as there were several guards ready to fend off an enemy and protect their King. "Is everything okay?" He stared at them and turned his sight to Merle.

"Escort Merle to her bed cambers and return to your stations immediately." There was no emotion in his voice and he continued into his bathroom, closing the door not too gently. He stood still, listening to the commotion inside his bedroom and heard Merle choked back a sob and run out of the room with the guards calling out to her.

"Merle . . . I'm sorry." He knew that she was only looking out for him but she had no right to say that about Hitomi. None. She did not know what was exchanged between them. The emotion and love that had passed through both of them. He felt Hitomi's love for him and the feelings for her were nothing he could just push aside.

Van leaned back against the cool, wooden door. He tried to talk to Merle about this, hoping that he could talk to someone about how he was feeling. Hitomi told him once that it was good to let others know how you're feeling so you would not have to keep it bottled up inside. Seeing that Merle was the closest person to him, he tried to confide to her and let her know some of what he was feeling, only to see that she was jealous and looked at him with such longing. Merle was like a little sister to him and nothing more. How could he even think of her as anything but a loving sister? God, he loved her but he couldn't love her like he did Hitomi. Merle needed someone to talk to about him and he couldn't go to her to talk about someone else. That would just hurt her more than he really didn't attempt to.

"Hitomi"Van walked over to the basin full of water and looked into the mirror. His hair was disheveled, leaving the dark locks suspended over his darkened eyes. His chest rose and fell with each breath he drew into his lungs. But there, sitting between his collar bone rested the glowing, pink pendant contrasting against his pale skin.

He never knew himself to be the emotionally attached type of man. He severed that feeling after his mother and his family left him, when he was alone. He had nothing to love except Merle. He never thought that he was going to fall in love with anyone, but he did. God, he loved her so much! Not seeing her was killing him but now . . . he was afraid.

Why had he dreamt something so horrific?

Van felt the stinging sensation in the back of his eyes. All he wanted to do was be with her and love her for all he was worth. Merle was against it and now his subconscious was too? Maybe she was right. Maybe he and Hitomi never belonged to each other. They weren't destined to ever meet again, which is why she lives on the Mystic Moon. So far away from him . . .

If-if he was going to hurt her by being with her, he won't bother her any longer. He won't think about her and her short, blond hair. That beautiful smile whenever she saw him; Those lips that were lusciously full and rich in color. Her eyes. When he stared into her never-ending pools of emerald eyes, he felt enveloped in warmth and love and knew that he could gaze into those eyes forever.

He looked away as a tear fought its way out and made itself known as it tickled its way down his cheek. He wiped furiously at his eyes. He was being weak! He was pinning over a girl! He was a King and needed to protect his country! Those were his responsibilities.

Van gripped the side of the basin tightly as the color of his skin began to turn white from the pressure.

'Damn it, Van!' He thought, yelling at himself for breaking down like this. He knew that after Fanelia was completely built, the people would be asking for an heir. So he had to wed. Though it may not come up for some time, the council members were already talking about it, though they did not know he knew.

They would talk about it before a meeting with him and they never noticed that he was right outside, listening in. They were going to bring him the "finest women" in Gaea. Like they would love him for who he was inside. They would just probably be with him because of his position and his power. He wanted to fall in love; He *was* in love but he didn't want to get married to a snotty princess; no offense to the ones that he knew that were not so bad. He wanted more. Van sighed. That's what it is being a King, being royalty. You don't get to have the freedom as the people do to chose whomever your heart desired.

He closed his eyes and pushed himself away from the basin. These feelings. This hurt. He could not stand to be like this anymore. He needed her there, with him in his protective embrace. He would willingly die for her if that's what he had to do.

He discarded the rest of his clothing and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

He still had all his muscles, but they weren't as defined as they once were. The war made him strong. He was then in the greatest shape that he would be in his life. Without any effort at all, he kept his tan dark and healthy. The day trips are now too far and in-between. He chooses the dark when he leaves now so that no one will recognize him. In three months, his body went from tan to pale ash. His ghostly skin has made him look more fragile and weak. He lost his appetite the week she left him. He is so painfully thin now that his hips and cheek bones seem to protrude outwards with tremendous dark circles beneath his eyes. As he appeared in the mirror, he thought for a moment that it was someone else was in the room, but without a doubt, it was him and in that moment, the horror filled his being. He was alive right now, but.. for how long? Even he agreed with himself that he was a walking corpse.

Van pushed the thought out of his mind for a moment and decided to fill the huge tub. Their technology was advancing as the kingdom was going into a new age and many scholars and theorists are coming up with such great and efficient concepts, more of convenient ideas for them to live an easier life. So they have had a piping system and a heater of some type to heat up the water whenever they wanted, instead of someone filling it up or heating it with other means.

The hot steam from the water filled the room and soon there was enough water to be immersed in as he lowered himself into the tub. The water burned his delicate skin, making it bright red, but it seemed to him that he still had some life left in him. He was feeling the burning water, something now more than pity... more than heartbreak... more than loneliness. As soon as the water would cooled down, then all those other feeling would return to his heart and how more painful that can be.

~~*~~