Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ The Wire Cuts Deep ❯ Goodbye - but to whom? ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

“Oh, thank you, but I don't smoke” Youji said waving his hand.
 
“Ah, come on, just give it a try” Sasashi-san lit him a cigarette and handed it over.
 
Aiko playfully hit him on the shoulder “You really shouldn't, he'll probably have a coughing fit and all the other guests will stare at us” she laughed. I, too, laughed.
 
Then Youji took the cigarette.
 
He already looked apologetic for the coughing fit that was bound to come - but never came. He lifted the damn thing to his mouth and inhaled slightly. For a moment his eyebrows lifted in surprise and he took another drag. This time he inhaled much deeper. And he smiled at Sasashi-san.
 
“Thank you”.
 
I didn't like it. I didn't like it the least bit. It felt cold and cruel. Later Youji got up from the table and bought himself a pack of his own. Ever since then he always has a pack with him. It's in the right pocket of his shirt.
 
Where he used to be reaching for something that wasn't there every now and then, especially when he was nervous, now there was a pack of cigarettes. I have to give him that he made a point of not smoking in the house.
 
But in the end it just hurt me even more. The cigarettes were part of a person I didn't know and that had nothing to do with our life. Every time he went outside for a smoke, he left our life, if only for a short time. At least that was how it felt.
 
It was just like that dreaded katana.
 
It was part of a past neither of us would ever know. And a past I never would want to know. More importantly I didn't want Youji to know.
 
After this night out with the Sasahis our life changed. It wasn't something that came over night. It was more of a slow and deep change that occurred in Youji. Yet, it didn't change the way he treated me. He was always gentle, always very polite and considered. He never acted inappropriate or overreacted. I guess it was part of why I married him in the first place, but as time past I loathed it more and more.
 
Still, the change was there, even if I didn't want to see it. He often seemed lost in a maze of his own thoughts, appearing tired and worn. It has bugged him more and more. He never talked about it with me but it was in his eyes.
 
Youji started buying things. Things he never used. Things he never even looked at in the end. He just bought them and sorted them in the small storeroom underneath the stairs, most of them anyway.
 
Some of the clothing articles found their place in his cabinet, though he rarely wears them. They don't really fit him, either. And there's no definite pattern behind it either. An orange sweater, a boyish cap and a couple of clothes that would make normal people blush.
 
I sometimes wished I could throw it all away alongside with that damn sword.
 
I never thought I would hate the damn thing that much.
 
When Youji was ready to be release from the hospital it was in the small bag with his possession. I was the one who handed it to him. Youji looked so lost at that time. He had nowhere to go and I offered him to stay at my place for the time being. He asked about a hundred times if it was really ok and I assured him again and again that it was.
 
After that the katana was basically placed in a corner of the living room. I had told him that he should give the katana a more deserving place. It was probably from one of his ancestors and so the only link to a past he would never remember. He always refused to do so. Until one day he just got up from the coach. Wordlessly he picked the katana up and went with it to the bedroom. Five minutes later he returned to me “I guess you were right”.
 
Ever since then the sword has found its “proper” place on the wall in the bedroom. At first I was very pleased, but as time passed it unnerved me. It was just like the tattoo on his shoulder, something that shouldn't be there but was. Something I did not understand and that probably led to a person that wasn't at all like my Youji.
 
It was about four months ago that Youji had bought the new laptop. At first I thought it was just another edition to his “collection”, but about a month later he established an internet connection and actually used it. Sometimes he would return from work and sit in front of the thing until he couldn't hold his eyes open anymore.
 
For the last four days he just sat in front of it and starred at the screen. He didn't even try to make it look like he was working on it. Until today.
 
When he returned home today he told me we had to talk. He made some tea and we both sat down in the kitchen. I was worried sick and asked him question over question. “Is it something with your job”, “is there something wrong with your health?”, “Don't you feel well?” and whatever I could imagine that could possibly have happened except for the one thing that simply couldn't happen.
 
Youji just sat there, looking at his tea, avoiding me and my questions, just shaking his head tiredly at every question I asked him.
 
“You can tell me everything, honey” I said “just tell me”.
 
The worried frown on his face deepened and he finally looked at me. A weak smile crossed his face. “Ok. You know the katana?”
 
“Yes” I was getting unsure at where this was heading, and a funny feeling started growing in my stomach.
 
“I know how much you hate it…” he sighed and took a sip from the tea, reaching for his cigarettes but leaving them where they are in the last moment. “It's not mine. I need to give it back.” He stared at his tea again, seemingly lost in thought.
 
I didn't know what to say - or think. It wasn't his? How did he know? Did the actual owner approach him and demanded it back? How could he believe that person? How did he know that person would tell the truth? On the other hand how did the person know he had it? My thoughts were taking summersaults as to where the information came and how it could possibly be wrong.
 
Youji finally continued “It will take some time, I don't really know how long but - …I'm really sorry, Asuka”.
 
I blinked. What was he sorry for and what would take some time? I looked in the eyes, not willing to comprehend what he wanted to tell me. “What do you mean?”.
 
“I will have to go away for some time to give back the katana.” He said and then looked up at me with a smile “After that, it will not be there anymore and we both will sleep much better”.
 
I tried. I really tried to understand what he was telling me. I looked at him a moment longer, before I reached for my tea.
 
After that neither of us said a word, I was too busy with my own thoughts and Youji was probably busy with thoughts of his own.
 
Now I'm lying here and I can't sleep. I can tell that Youji can't sleep either. My mind is full of questions that I am afraid to ask. Youji said he will leave tomorrow. He packed his things before he went to bed. I don't really know what to think of all of this. It's so sudden. It sounds as though it was something he needed to do, to finally put his past behind him, but why does it feel as though he will leave me behind?