Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Delicate ❯ Let Go and Trust ( Chapter 7 )

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^;

Delicate

Chapter Seven:

Let Go and Trust

By: Irish

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Oh my god." Ryo said softly, his eyes riveted on the impressively small heap that Lyn made under a soft throw blanket. "Oh my god I can't imagine…1996 that was only…seven years ago." The detective could hardly believe that this was the man who his partner had saved, just seven years ago[1].

"Hey…. It's okay… I mean… for me that was a lifetime ago… I… barely remember who I was back then…" Lyn offered a very small, very wan smile. He had curled up in the large chair while he spoke, taking frequent sips of his tea as he went hoarse. Now his hands were folded politely over his legs, which were folded up under him.

"It's not okay… I mean… and Dee doesn't remember?" Ryo was stunned, his tea completely forgotten.

"Well, I am sure he remembers, I mean, he was very…caring, and sent some nuns he knew to visit me in the hospital… but I doubt he knows it was me. I mean… like I said, I was sitting right next to you and you didn't even see me as the man in the picture." Lyn shrugged a little, offering another small smile.

"Lyn… god… wow… how long were you in the hospital?"

"Um, about six weeks… you saw the photos… I had to be kept practically back boarded so I didn't pull on the staples. My only visitors were the three nuns that came in, once a week, all six weeks. Sister Mary Thomas, Sister Mary Joan, and Sister Mary Lane."

"Sister Mary Lane?" Ryo sat up abruptly. "That's Dee's mother… well his Penguin…his… the woman who raised him." Ryo's shock was growing by the moment, that Dee's life was so intertwined with Lyn's.

"That doesn't surprise me. I always wanted to… to seek Dee out, to thank him. I would have died if he had not held my hand through that. I was ready to die. But I wouldn't leave someone else with the guilt of my life. But then…after I got out of the hospital… I was just as bad as when Dee found me, in different ways but… I owe Dee a debt and I wasn't about to let the man who had tried so hard to save my life see how little it had been worth… and these last couples years, since Andrew and the girls… Dee is the only person around who saw me at rock bottom. It's hard to look him in the eyes." It was hard to even look Ryo in the eyes, and he stared into his tea, as if divining.

"I don't think he would see it like that…"

"Please don't tell him Ryo… please?"

Ryo sighed softly, knowing Dee would be upset that someone hadn't informed him just who Lyn was when he did find out, but it wasn't his place. "Alright, I won't tell him."

"Thank you… now, please, enough about me. We started this night off talking about you." Lyn wrinkled his noses as his next sip of tea was stone cold, and he set the mug aside, folding his hands neatly again, looking at Ryo expectantly.

"Wh-what do you expect me to talk about, I mean… I have no stories that are even close…."

"About you. About not being gay, and about Dee." Lyn replied ever patient as he sunk deeper into the chair, tucking his hands under the blanket after running his fingers through his hair. "You said that if I could tell you why my words were worth hearing, you would hear them. Now I am asking you to speak."

'Lyn… okay, Listen… I am not gay, all right? I don't like other men, just Dee. I was almost married once, when I had just joined the force. I have had sex with women. Two of them in fact." Ryo sputtered as he swirled his tea adding a little from the pot to reheat it.

"Okay… so, the number of people who you have had sex with define what your sexuality is? And because you have slept with more women then men, you are, ergo, straight? Am I following so far?" Lyn asked, his tone even, curious, as though they were discussing the logic of foreign policy.

"Well… guess… I mean… I don't know what makes anyone gay or straight… I just know… that I can't be gay. I love Dee but… I want a family." Ryo wrung his hands as he spoke, nervous and unsure.

"And Dee, Bikky, and yourself, are not a family?"

Ryo was starting to get the feeling he shouldn't have gotten into this discussion with a gay lawyer. Lyn was, apparently, very good at asking tough questions. He swallowed. "Um… well okay… yes. Here is the thing though… I want more than Bikky, and I don't want to submit Bikky to having, what, two dads? The poor kid gets teased enough for being café au lait"

Lyn held up a hand with a small frown. "What was that phrase you just used, café au lait? I don't know what it means in context. I'm sorry, English isn't my first language… sometimes I miss things…"

"Café au lait…um… half black, half white, mulatto…"

"Oh, sorry, please continue." Lyn grinned sheepishly and waved a hand for him to continue. Ryo wondered if the man was starting to get tired, his body language was starting to get slack.

"Um… so… I don't want Bikky to suffer from my chosen lifestyle." Ryo clanked his spoon around the inside of his mug as he stirred tea that was starting to go cold.

"So you feel that being with Dee is a choice? Not that I don't support that, I think that is what make relationships truly meaningful, a choice to be together, as opposed to need."

"Yeah, it's a choice. I could choose not to be with him. Maybe I should do that now, before things get worse… I do love him Lyn… but I can't… I can't be with him forever because I'm not like that."

Lyn put his feet on the floor and leaned towards Ryo, elbows on his knees. Ryo swallowed, having the feeling he was about to get thrown a curve that he just didn't want to deal with.

"Ryo, if you are so sure that you aren't gay… why have you felt the need to deny it at every turn? I have said I believe you and that you can sleep with whom ever you want, while calling yourself the King of Persia. Yet you tell me again and again, you aren't gay. Just whom are you trying to convince?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ryo unlocked the door quietly, not wanting to wake either Dee or Bikky if they were asleep, of course, having left Bikky in Dee's charge, he would be lucky not to find them sitting on the couch drinking coffee and eating chocolate chips out of the bag. Ah well, he thought, at least when they are being lazy couch potatoes they aren't trying to one up the other.

"Hey, baby."

Ryo jumped about a foot off the ground when Dee spoke. He hadn't really expected him to be up, he and Bikky had left Lyn and Andrew's around ten-thirty, and it was now just after midnight. But Dee was awake, and sprawled on the couch, looking over some field reports.

"Dee! Jesus! Scare me a little why don't you!" But Ryo laughed as he said it, setting his keys on the table by the door as he stepped out of his shoes. "I am surprised you are up, I figured you would be in bed and asleep."

"Nah, I wanted to wait to be sure you got home okay." Dee offered a roguish, but tired, smile. He set the reports aside and opened his arms to his partner. "Did you and Lyn have a good talk?"

"What? Oh, yeah, I guess so. He is a tough cookie, did you know that?" Ryo smiled a little as he sat on the edge of the couch, situating himself carefully before laying down half on top of Dee, cheek pressed over his heart.

"Yeah, he seems like a tough bastard when he has to be… despite being a bit effeminate. Was he feeling better?" Dee ran his hands along Ryo's spine, stroking him hand over hand.

"I don't think so, he was pretty under the weather… something about hypoglycemia. You think he is effeminate? I don't know, I mean, I suppose he is gay… I guess that brings with it a certain amount of feminization." Ryo shrugged. "But let me tell you, I would never, ever want to be cross examined by that man."

Dee frowned a little… damn Ryo… could the man not go two hours without making some derogatory statement about homosexuality? "Andrew is gay too you know… and he makes me look like a pussy. He bench-pressed Bikky… fourteen reps…. then bench pressed me fourteen reps."

"What?" Ryo laughed. "He bench pressed you and Bikky? What the heck were you three doing?"

It was Dee's turn to chuckled as he shook his head. "Oh man, you don't even want to know… see… Andrew and Bikky and I were hanging out, relaxing, just shooting the shit. Andrew got up to get us some hot chocolate, and you know, his legs aren't so good, so he lifted himself onto the couch from the floor, and I swear he didn't even use his legs…well Bikky saw him flex and was impressed…and asked how much he could lift." Dee was still chuckling and shaking his head as he recalled the evening.

"That boy… I don't think he understands that you don't just ask people whatever is on your mind." But Ryo was laughing softly as well, glad that Bikky had such active curiosity.

"Nah, Andrew doesn't mind. Besides, at least he asks, and doesn't just assume things. Anyway, Andrew told him that he max pressed about two hundred and ten pounds, because he used to have to move from his wheel chair to the bed and stuff without using his legs at all. Bikky didn't believe him…. so first Andrew proved it by bench-pressing Bikky, to warm up… then me. I weight about 170 or so…"

"And he reped you fourteen times!' Ryo's jaw sagged. "Holy hell… I am lucky to do fourteen reps at a hundred and twenty."

"Don't feel bad, I'm not much better… moral of the story, Andrew is about as butch as you get and still be able to think, so don't go assuming Lyn is effeminate because he is gay… he could be those things independently of each other." Dee sighed when it came out sounding like a public service announcement, he wasn't sure how much more queer bashing he could take from his partner and lover before saying something fatal… like pointing out that Ryo has several very feminine qualities himself, like a intense need to procreate, a good hand with children, being sensitive, being a good cook, and being anal retentive… and prone to wearing aprons in the kitchen.

"Well…don't you think that… I don't know…we play gender roles, even when we're in same sex relationships?" Ryo's tone was speculative, theoretical, and Dee tried very, very hard to keep his own tones neutral. Ryo was just feeling his way in the dark, and Dee needed to respect that. He found it incredibly ironic to be discussing these things at all, before Ryo he had never though about his sexuality, never thought about what it meant. He slept with anyone who was willing and over the age of consent, being bi was just logical. I mean, he slept with as many men as women, in fact… probably a few more men then women. He had never, ever been political about it. Never. And here he was worrying about stereotypes, and heterosexism, and words he had never heard of until Lyn had given that talk at the precinct.

"I guess I've never really thought so. Or maybe I have and didn't realize it. I mean, no I don't think Lyn is the women and Andrew is the man, or that one of us is a woman and should do 'women's things' you know, that cooking and cleaning should be one of our jobs over the others. We are partners; equals… but I think when I have been in relationships with women… I have expected them to cook and clean, while I bring home the proverbial bacon. So I think that we respond to our gender roles, irrelevant of our preference, I suppose."

"Wow… you know… I have never heard you talk like that before, baby." Ryo raised his head off Dee's chest to look at him, smiling, before kissing his chin.

"Talk like what?" Dee looked down at him, stroking his hair lightly.

"I don't know, like… really deep like that."

"Oh… well, I suppose its probably because I sound like a retard when I try to say smart things, so I skip the smart things and go straight to the retard part." Dee shrugged, letting a curl of Ryo's hair twine around his finger.

"Dee… you're not retarded. You are really smart when you try to be. I think that if you were a little more confident in your own intelligence… maybe you would surprise yourself.' Ryo frowned, he hated when Dee talked down about himself like that. Partly because he hated to hear the self abuse, but even more so because by setting his own expectations so low, Dee would never really grow beyond what he was, and use all that he could be.

"Nah. You ready for bed, baby? I'm still really tired." Dee closed the subject off to discussion fluidly, a trick he had learned at the orphanage. When things got uncomfortable, or you were about to get in trouble, misdirect them. Of course that had been easier with the nuns… there had been two dozen other children to watch after.

"Yeah, you shouldn't have waited up for me, baka." Ryo gave his chest a playful swat as he climbed off his lover and gave him a hand up, leading him back to the bedroom. "Hey, you know what?" Ryo asked softly, pinning Dee in the doorway when they made to pass into the bedroom, smiling at his lover.

"No, what? And if you say chicken butt, I'm gonna hand cuff you to the bed." Dee returned, his own smile gentle.

"I love you, Dee Laytner."

"And I love you, Ryo McLean, now come on." Dee bent at the knees and lifted Ryo into his arms, carrying him to bed as he kicked the door shut behind them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So tell me, Laytner… exactly what have you contributed to the Meat hook Murderer investigation, because from where I am sitting it looks like Randy has written up every single report, signed every piece of evidence submitted, and probably done all the leg work." Rose looked at Dee over the rims of his glasses, his eyes hard as coffin nails. Dee tried not to squirm in his seat, but he wasn't sure his ego could take another blow. Though the intensity of his worry over his relationship with Ryo had lessened over the last two weeks, Ryo's constant 'I'm not gay' comments were eating away at his security. The endless parade of justifications of why he couldn't possibly be gay was even worse. Heterosexist, if not out right homophobic… and then there were these damn Meat Hook murders. It was all starting to get under his skin…very deeply.

"Berkley… listen… I am going to go out on a limb here and talk to you like you are a compassionate person. I have been doing my job. Take my word for it, just this once, just this once, give me the benefit of the doubt, because if you give me a dressing down right now, I'm not sure how I would react, and I would really, really rather not get fired."

Rose sat back in his desk chair; eyebrows raised as he steepled his fingers in front of his face. Laytner had never, ever, spoken so frankly, revealed any weakness or insecurity. And no matter how much he despised the man, he wouldn't blatantly ignore what had basically been a plea of clemency.

"Alright, Laytner. I won't say another word on two conditions. First, file your own damn reports, second, you are taking the rest of the day off. Use it to fix whatever the hell your problem is and come back tomorrow."

Dee let go of a breath he had been holding, feeling somehow worse for asking to avoid the reprimand. He should have just taken it like a man. He had implied with his words, that he would haul off and strike his superior. But the truth was, if Rose dressed him down like he usually did, giving him less respect then a drill sergeant gave a green horn recruit, he probably would have cried.

"Right. Will do. Thank you, sir. Really." Dee stood and escaped quickly, not giving Rose time for any parting shots. When the door was shut behind him, he leaned back against it rubbing his temples. What was wrong with him? It was like he was already grieving for the loss of his relationship with Ryo… when things were… well a bit forced, but mostly status quo. But he had never, never doubted himself this much in his life. He doubted his ability to cope with the eventual break up Ryo implied every time he said he wanted kids and a wife… doubted his ability to be a good enough lover to keep Ryo, doubted every word he said, walking on egg shells around the man, afraid he would drive him away. And now… he doubted his value as a detective. Yup. He needed a personal day.

He took a deep, steadying breath before heading back to the closet he shared with Ryo, a benefit of their new, larger precinct, and owing to their impressive arrest record, and even higher conviction rate.

"Hey, what did Rose want?" Ryo asked, not looking up from his laptop as he tapped away at the keys with impressive speed.

"To chew my ass then give me a personal day." Dee said with a shrug as he slipped on his leather jacket. It was a little warm for it, but too cool for just a shirt.

"A personal day?" Ryo looked up at Dee looking him over. "Wow… you do look ragged… is it just today, or have I really been that oblivious?" Ryo looked over the rim of his glasses, not unlike Rose.

'Nah, we've just been working this case like a mo'fo. We've both been absorbed. I don't think I will look a gift horse in the mouth though, and take my personal day, I've been wanting to get over to the orphanage… and maybe I will snag Bikky and take him out to lunch, you know, just shoot the shit a bit." Dee managed a small smile.

"Alright, but, I want you over at my place for dinner, we need to talk, okay? And if you hide in your apartment, I will track you down."

"Will do. Don't work too hard, baby, and if you need me, my pager will be on, I'm keeping the cell phone off though. Nothing more embarrassing than having your phone ring in Mass. Love you." He bent and kissed Ryo quickly before slipping from the office, not surprised that Ryo didn't call out the door that he loved him back. Then others might know.

Dee took the subway to the orphanage, but got off several stops early, walking the last ten blocks or so, hoping the fall air would clear his mind. He paused in front of the Ma & Pa grocery store that he had been patron to since he was about five years old. He had shoplifted from this place for the first time when he was five. A pack of gum, as he recalled. He had done almost all his grocery shopping here since be had been hired by the NYPD, both for his donations to the orphanage, and his own personal groceries. He had twelve years of shopping to make up for.

From inside Mr. 'Pa' Jacobs was waving to him. Dee offered a smile that he hoped looked sincere as he went in.

"Well hello there, young squire. What brings you by today?"

Dee wondered to this day how Mr. Jacobs never caught him and his friends. He had to know every time that they came in he would end the day a few candy bars poorer. The man, though Dee reckoned he must be at least eighty, was still as alert as most cops. And by the way he handled his broom, no slouch in the physical department either.

"I'm headed over to St. Chris's, I'm gonna stop by for groceries for Penguin on Sunday, but I wanted to get some candy for the rugrats. What you got that comes cheap in bulk?" Dee grinned. He knew what it was like to live in the orphanage, and the Sisters tried very hard to make life as normal and human as possible, the fact was, when he was a kid, and to this day, the children of St. Chris's roamed the alleys like packs of hungry dogs, friendly hungry dogs, but still dogs. And Candy was a rare treat.

"Well, let me see." Mr. Jacobs offered Dee a smile before turning to look at the jars of candy he kept behind the counter. "What do kids eat these days, Dee? You know, no one has had the cahuna's to shoplift from me since your pack, but you were always good boys, you only ever stole candy and soda, and I know how hard it is for you kids." The man shook his head gently; he had lived and worked three blocks from St. Christopher's Home for Children for fifty years.

"Um… how about taffy, individually wrapped is a good plan… um…" Dee gazed over the jars of candy that had filled so many of his dreams as a boy; the good stuff had always been behind the counter. "And some licorice." He hadn't bought a candy bar since Arnon died. Paranoid or not, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

"Good choices." Mr. Jacobs agreed as he started filling little brown bags with the requested items, tucking all of them in a bigger brown grocery bag. "You are good to those kids, Dee. You were always Mother Mary Lane's favorite."

"Yeah, I always said she had poor taste." Dee shot back grinning a little, running a hand through his jet hair, trying to get it to behave properly. "Mr. Jacobs… I gotta ask. You knew we were shoplifting. You knew every time we came in here we left with our pockets full… but you never stopped us…" The detective watched the old man fill another bag of taffy, a small smile turning his lips, his gray eyes not leaving their task.

"Dee… I never had kids of my own, and the Missus and I never adopted. You kids, over at St. Chris's were sort of like our children, we watched generations of you grow up… and we knew how very, very little you got. No sweets, old broken second hand toys… but none of you ever complained. You stole because… kids need sweets as much as they need love, I think. It's what makes the hard edges soft. We donated food when we could… but we could always write up the losses for your shoplifting, we didn't lose that much money. And it gave you kids something that every kid should have."

Dee couldn't help but stare at the man. Such an odd…and random act of total kindness, and such an understanding of what life was like from the reams of orphaned children that filled St. Chris's… It was unexpected.

"Thank you, Mr. Jacobs. Thank you. Here." Dee laid a bill on the counter, knowing the approximate total the candy would come to, and knowing that the fin he left on the counter would cover the cost, nearly twice over. He scooped up the grocery sack and ducked out the door before Mr. Jacobs could protest.

He made it another block towards the orphanage before he heard a child's voice calling his name happily. It took less than three minutes for him to be swarmed over by the twenty or so children that were old enough to be playing on the streets and in the alleys, but young enough so they didn't have to prove how tough they were.

"Devil must have turned his back for a minute if all you lot are out." Dee teased kneeling down to be at eye level with the wee ones.

"Nah, Penguin just had to patch up Nick, he hit his head jumping off a dumpster." One of the kids called.

"What did you bring us, Dee?" Another asked, the smallest of the kids only about six climbed up on Dee's knee.

"Well let's see…. I have candy for good children… but it looks like I will have to take all of it home…" Dee grinned as he fished in the bag, and started handing out the taffies and licorice sticks by the handfuls to the ones gathered around him.

"Dee, did you catch any bad guys?"

"Dee, guess what? We found a kitten and Mother Mary Lane let us keep it. It sleeps in the dryer."

"Dee, Dee, one of the big boys, Raphe, ran away! Mother says that he is gonna get brought back by the cops, are you going to bring him back?"

Dee answered question after question, eventually just sitting right down on the side walk with the kids, telling them about the bad guys he caught and listening to their harrowing tales of shoplifting and avoiding gang members. Finally he stood, and started to herd them all back towards the orphanage. When he finally managed to get inside, over the protests of the children, he was accosted, though in a very different manner by the older children, to whom he also handed out fistfuls of candy. He finally found the Mother… his mother, in her small office off the main entrance. He slipped in and shut the door behind him quickly with a deep sigh of relief.

"Dee my boy, I wasn't expecting you until Sunday." Penguin said with a mild surprise as she grinned at her slightly harried looking 'son'.

"Yes… well, I will be back on Sunday as well but, I got a impromptu day off, and I thought I would come see you." Dee set down what was left of the candy by her desk as he flopped into the chair across from her.

"Dee Christopher Jerome, what did you do?" The nun scolded giving him a hard look. "In my experience you only get surprise days off when you have gone against regulations."

"Oh ye of little faith." Dee offered a tired smile. "No, truth of the matter, it's a mental health day. Something that should be mandated for women of the cloth." Dee smirked a little knowing how easy it was to get stressed out working with so many children, with so many problems.

"Remember what I used to do when you sassed off, Mr. Laytner?"

"Make me get down on my knees and say the rosary and actually meditate on the mysteries. I still pull out my rosary and try to remember my prayers when I drop a dish." Dee smiled again folding his hands behind his head.

"How are things with you and that handsome gentleman… what was his name, Randy?"

'Yeah, Ryo… um…well that's what the mental health thing is all about I suppose." Dee frowned a little closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Let me get some tea, this sounds like a bit of a story. Have you gone to confession yet?" the nun asked as she heaved herself from the desk chair to move off to the kitchen.

"That's next on my agenda."

~*~*~*~*~*~

"…. So I just don't know what to do any more. Everything I do is wrong, either for me, or for him… I just want to be happy…"

The story had taken longer then Dee expected to tell. The nun had listened closely, not saying a word, just nodding occasionally as her once-boy poured out his heart. That was one of the qualities that charmed her so about Dee. Just when you thought he was a lost cause, he would show you everything that was in his heart… Well, she suspected not everything; Dee was a private person in his own way. Many of the kids she raised were. A lack of personal space seemed to cultivate personalities that held their most important things inside of them. Dee could never be accused of casting his pearls before swine though this thing with Ryo was starting to sound like just that.

She didn't consider Ryo a bad person at all, he was very polite, very tender, when she had met him, and well and soft spoken. But she didn't hold with people hurting her children, especially her Dee, who had suffered enough loss in his young (and at fifty five, thirty was still young) life for three people. First his parents, then Arnon, and any other number of friends and compatriots to gang violence… Jess, several officers he had been close with to the attack on the World Trade Centers… and now it sounded like he was on the verge of losing the little family he had become part of as well.

"They say suffering brings us closer to Christ… and I think that it can, but I don't think that repetitive loss of those we love brings anyone to God… Dee, honey… I wish I could help you… but I have no advice what so ever. My only relationship has been with God. And its our thirty-fifth anniversary next year, but," She chuckled a little. "we have a long distance relationship." The Mother relaxed when her little joke earned a laugh from Dee.

"I could be getting all bent out of shape over nothing, maybe he just needs more time. But he has put fear in my heart, and that's a challenge."

"Oh I doubt that, you don't even fear God." The nun laughed, standing and picking up her teacup. Dee followed suit following her into the industrial kitchen, helping her wash up the few dishes that lay about.

"Here, let me, I can see your hands are sore today." Dee took the dishtowel from her and started carefully washing the cups.

"Bless you, Dee… devils horns are holding up your halo."

"Hey, something's gotta." Dee smirked.

"You know… I believe God made everyone exactly the way they are for a reason. Bad attitudes and all. Do you still like women, Dee?"

Dee's eyes went wide, and the teacup slipped from his fingers and shattered on the floor. "Oh shit! I'm sorry!" Dee bent to pick up the shards, but clapped a hand over his mouth when the Nun gave him a hard look. "Oh damn!" slipped out despite his best efforts. Naughty language was a weekly confession for Mr. Dee Christopher Jerome Laytner. Mother just shook her head as Dee quickly swept up the pieces, calmly filling the teacup with water as Dee worked. "Man, I'm sorry Penguin. I mean Mother… I can't believe you asked-" He was cut off mid sentence as the prim nun sloshed half a teacup of water in his face.

"I baptize you, Dee Christopher Jerome Laytner in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen." She made the sign of the cross on him before he could open his eyes, then handed him a towel.

"Mother… I've already been baptized… twice!" Dee protested through the towel as he dried his face.

"I know, and one of these times it's bound to take." She grinned, nearly devilishly. Dee blinked at her for almost a full minute, before he burst out in loud peals of laughter that echoed off the kitchen counters and walls. Penguin gave an internal sigh of relief at the sound bubbling from her son, glad that he still had his sense of humor. Time could heal all wounds, as long as you could still laugh.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He spent the rest of the evening helping the nuns prepare dinner, and get the sixty or so children between the ages of one and eighteen, fed, watered and started on homework or to bed. At seven o'clock he crossed the street to St. Joseph the Worker, the Catholic church that was run by the Sisters of St. Chris's counter parts, and where Dee had been baptized, given his first confession, taken his first communion, and had been confirmed, for evening vespers.

St. Christopher's Academy was attached to St. Johns, and all three of them were really one big entity, the church and school serving the orphanage and the blue collar, salt of the earth folk in the neighborhood. The Brothers came and went more frequently than the Sisters of St. Chris's Home for Children did, the survival of their flock depending less on the consistency of its Shepard's. But the Priest who had baptized, communed, confessed and confirmed Dee still worked there. And Dee knew there would be Confession hours afterwards. None of that Vatican Two crap, just good ol' kneeling and guilt.

Dee dipped the tips of his pointer and middle finger on his right hand in the small font of holy water, genuflecting as he entered. He paused just inside the door and looked around a moment. It would be a very small service, vespers usually were, which was one of the reasons Dee enjoyed it more then the Sunday morning services. He moved as quietly as he could manage down the aisle to the third from the front pew, where he genuflected again before carefully letting down the kneeler with his foot and kneeling down in the pew, folding his hands on the pew in front of him. He had ten minutes before the service started. He reminded himself to be sure to attend church this Sunday and receive communion. It had been over a month.

Vespers was usually only a half hour long service that was more music then anything. Really, Dee thought, it was just a good excuse for folks to get together and sing a few hymns with the Nuns and Brothers. When the service was over the two dozen or so Sheep that had attended shuffled out, the Shepard's each moving off to their evening duties before bed. Dee returned to his knees on the kneeler for several minutes, deep in thought, giving father McCall time to get back to the confessional and get settled.

When he looked up again, the light indicating the confessional was open for business was on. He got up from his knees, already pulling his rosary from his pocket. The smooth wooden beads felt even and heavy in his hand. He remembered, only vaguely, a time when they had been brown, now they were nearly black from so much fingering, and not a few bloodstains. He opened the confessional and stepped in inhaling the familiar and comforting scents of incense and pipe tobacco that was Father McCall.

"Forgive me, Father for I have sinned… its been…" He paused a moment to think. "Two months since my last confession."

"Son, I have a feeling God has learned to forgive you on the fly, because he and his Cloistered children alike don't have time to listen to your long lists of sins." The voice with the words was gentle and amused, and slightly gravelly with age.

"That sounds like the sin of sloth to me, Father." Dee teased back. He couldn't see the Priest's face through the grate, but he knew it was Father McCall.

"Yes, well, I will say a hail Mary later. What is on your mind, my son?"

'I have no mind… but a lot weighs on my heart."

"Tell me, my Child."

Dee shifted on the kneeler fingering his rosary beads for comfort. "I feel… fear. I feel fear, Father. My lover…who I wish to spend the rest of my life with, does not feel the same… and he has a boy who I love nearly enough to be my own." Dee spoke softly, but his voice hardened as he said "But I am not confessing the sin of homosexuality, because as I recall its not one of the big ten, and God doesn't make mistakes."

"Remind me to give you a few extra Hail Mary's for the sin of pride." But the Father's voice still held amusement. "You know I don't ask you to confess that… only your excessive promiscuity, which is no longer an issue for you. If your lover leaves you, will he deny you visitation to the boy?"

"No… I don't think so… but I feel like… like it's just one more brick on a load that is already too heavy. I have practically been living with both of them for the last six months. They are my family Father." Dee sighed.

"And God knows you deserve one… Would you like to pray together?"

"Yes… please… it might help." Dee heard the older man shift and grunt as he got down on his kneeler, so he was now face to face with Dee through the grate, his hand coming through the slot in the bottom to hold Dee's as they prayed together.

"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallow be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our Daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. Amen." Dee spoke the prayer softly and from memory as his eyes slipped close, the beads of his rosary feeling hot against his palm.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee…"

By the time he stepped out of the confessional his knees throbbed from kneeling, but he felt absolved, and more level headed. What would come would come, and even if Ryo did leave him, he still had family, and he still had God… two things that would never change.

Authors Note: Several things this chapter, first the foot note at the beginning. So I did some special math and the actual year that Lyn was attacked is 1996, forgive my math retardation.

Second, I plan to have a new chapter of Standing Outside the Fire out in a week, tops.

Third, I apologize if I got some of the wording wrong in the lords Prayer, I know the Catholic version is slightly different then the Protestant, but I don't know how exactly.

And the lastly I was wondering if any of you would be interested in a sound track for Delicate. Music is a very integral part to how I write and most chapters are at least in part musically inspired, let me know and I will set something up.