Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Delicate ❯ Penance to a Lesser God ( Chapter 9 )

Delicate

Chapter Nine:

Penance to a Lesser God

By: Irish

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He had lost his fucking mind. That was the only possible explanation, he had simple gone mad. He had just walked out on Ryo, and Bikky, the two people that gave his life meaning, definition. He had just walked out on the two people on the planet who gave a damn about him.

His mind raced frantically back and forth, trying to climb the sides of his skull like a caged animal. Everything he thought told him to turn around and go back, to fall on his knees in front of Ryo and beg for forgiveness, he wasn't worthy. He wasn't. But his feet kept moving. Dee wasn't sure if he could attribute this to his heart or not, the spot in his chest where it should have been was just one large gaping wound, as though someone had reached in and pulled it out, still beating… like in The Temple of Doom. No, it couldn't have been his heart, because somewhere, faintly, from whatever Hindi Shaman's hand it was held in, it screamed.

It was his pride. Pride cometh before the fall, as Mother was so fond of saying. And he had a fuckload of pride. Most of the time it was all he had. He had walked out, and kept walking because it hurt his pride a little too much. Was he so selfish that he needed everything from Ryo? Wasn't now enough? Why did he think he was entitled too a future with Ryo…

He wasn't. He wasn't at all. Because Ryo… Ryo was like some sort of Angel. Oh sure, it was cliché… but it was true. Ryo was so kind, and sweet and gentle. And if Ryo could love him, that had to nominate him for sainthood. He could never think to have Ryo forever. Because good people weren't gay, and good people did all the things Ryo wanted to do, so where the hell did he get off asking for forever? He should take what Ryo gave him and grovel in thanks.

But he couldn't.

And so he kept walking. He walked all the way home in the same fast paced, stiff stride he had left the building in, almost marching. He strode up the stairs, two at a time, to his tenth floor apartment. He unlocked the door with sharp purposeful movements, and shut the door behind him decisively.

Shoes were kicked off, clothing discarded on the way to his bedroom, not needing to turn on the light. He sat down on his bed, and sat stiffly, staring out the window, and the chair underneath, where Ryo's suit had been so carefully laid out the night they had first made love. Or rather, the night Dee had first made love to Ryo. Ryo had just sort of lain there and gripped his shoulders. Not unlike tonight.

How many times had they had sex in the last few months? Maybe twenty times. About once a week. Twenty times was more then enough for Ryo to know how things went, where to touch… Twenty times. Once a week. In fact, if he thought about it… it wasn't always Friday nights, because they didn't always have Saturday off, but it was always the night before a day off. Always at about eleven o'clock, when Bikky had been in bed long enough to be asleep. Christ. Ryo probably fucking wrote it in his day planner '11pm/make w/ Dee'.

Had it been that much of a chore for him? So much a chore that less then six months into the relationship, and they were already scheduling sex like they were an old married couple? But Dee had always gone all out, done everything to always make it the best orgasm Ryo ever had. He knew he couldn't be on a hundred percent all the time…

God but he was a fool.

He had dropped his face into his hands somewhere along the way, and sat there now, elbows on knees, face cupped in hands, tears he didn't know he was shedding coursing from his cheeks into his hands then slowly down his wrists.

What was so wrong with him that Ryo couldn't love him? Couldn't touch him? Dee could think of plenty of reasons why he wouldn't want to love or touch himself, but Ryo wasn't privy to any of that. Then again, maybe he had always just seen right though Dee's thin veneer of obnoxious, vulgar, extroversion to the extremely insecure person inside. Or as Dee saw it, the extremely ugly person inside.

What was it inside of him that drove everyone away? What was so horrible in him that even as an infant, no one wanted him? Something so wrong that nothing he had done, no good deeds, or Hail Mary's, or faith could erase, or at least mask.

'You're not a good boy… but you're honest'

He didn't remember climbing under the covers and laying down, but he must have, because that is how he woke, on his side, a hand tucked under his head, the other wrapped around his body. And he did wake, his body anyway, but the poison that had been flowing through him of his own thoughts and words seemed to have killed off something important, but damned if he knew what.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ryo hadn't been surprised that Dee wasn't at work the next day, and only slightly so the day after that. On the third day he started to worry, the sick feeling that had been in his stomach since that night growing and spreading. When he saw the roster for the next month, the warm churn of nausea spreading through his gut turned to a stone and sunk in his stomach. Dee had every shift that month opposite him. Every single one. Neither of them had been reassigned a partner yet. But if the schedule stayed as it was, it would only be a matter of time.

Ryo passed the first week in a stoners daze. Not that he had taken any drugs, but his body simply continued to perform the actions needed to keep up with his cases at work, keep up with Bikky at home, and all the crap in between. He held out hope that Dee would be back.

The second week, Ryo called in sick twice. Too depressed to do much more then putter about the house aimlessly. He thought to call Dee several times, going so far as to pick up the phone before setting it down again. No. He would wait Dee out. If Dee really loved him, Dee would accept him for who he was.

On the third week, it finally set in. It was over. The schedule for next month looked the same as it had for this month. Ryo found Dee's set of the keys to his apartment, the lockbox they kept their guns in, and his car on his desk one morning. Another he found a couple of shirts, washed and neatly folded, a pair of sox, and a tooth brush with a short note in Dee's chicken scratch 'I think you have some of my clothes. D.'.

It wasn't until the fourth week that Ryo could bring himself to wash Dee's shirts, fold them up and leave them on his desk.

Life had returned to some semblance of normalcy in his apartment. He and Bikky had fallen back into a routine. Ryo could see that the boy missed Dee badly, but didn't comment on it. There was nothing he could do. Love Dee or not… Dee had been right to an extent. He had never planned a future with Dee; never saw himself being with Dee for the rest of his life. Why rekindle something that he didn't believe in?

Bikky couldn't believe what had happened, the shambles his life had fallen to so quickly. It was his fault, really. How often had he wished Dee gone? Told him to leave? That he wasn't wanted, that Bikky hated him? How much time had he spent trying to drive Dee away. And now he was gone. He had gotten his wish. He had Ryo to himself, didn't have to share him with anyone… accept now… that empty place he thought would be filled by Ryo, should he ever be able to have all of Ryo's attention to himself, was even wider and deeper. It had been Dee who had filled that place, with out Bikky even noticing, and now he was gone. And it was his fault.

He acted tough about it, bragging to Cal about how he had finally gotten rid of the bastard… acted so tough in fact, he had been sent to the principals office pretty much every day for insubordination, and got into three fights in school, and another three outside of school. He had been arrested twice for shoplifting; neither time did the shop owner press charges. But social services was starting to take note.

Ryo was at his wits end. There was nothing he could say to the boy that seemed to make him understand how close they were to being separated, because Bikky was looking at Juvey. It was in this desperation not to lose his son that he penned a quick note to Dee, telling him the situation, and begging him to talk to Bikky.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"I'm sorry detective, you aren't a parent or guardian, I can't release him to you, besides, he is in ISS." The secretary pleaded, growing more and more nervous as the tall man with a big gun holstered at his side, and green eyes hard enough to suggest he would use it loomed over her.

"Irene. You know me, come on. That kid is practically my son. How many times have I picked him up from detention?" Dee sighed, almost ready to unholster his gun and start making some demands.

"Yes, I know, but you know the law Detective. You are not the boy's parent or guardian, you can't take him out of school."

"With out his parent or guardian's permission, which I have. If you don't believe me call him." Dee growled, pulling out his own cell phone and dialing Ryo's number, handing it to the secretary. "There look, I even did it for you."

The secretary swiveled away from him on her chair, hearing Detective McLean pick up. He half hoped the boy's guardian would deny permission…

"Detective McLean. This is Irene, from Bikky's school… No…no, not at all. I have Detective Laytner here wanting to pick Bikky up… May I remind you he is in In School Suspension? Yes sir, if you say so sir, thank you." Scowling the woman swiveled back, holding Dee's cell phone out to him. "He gave his permission. Sign him out please."

Dee quickly penned his name and Bikky's and the time, then went back to the little room where they were penning the boy, having be back here many a time before. Personally, Dee thought it was cruel and unusual punishment, keeping him in an almost sensory deprived state. A tiny closet of a room, no window to the outside world, only a small window in the door so staff could keep an eye on him, the desk he was forced to sit in facing the other direction. He was allowed nothing but his schoolbooks. No sound, nothing to look at on the walls. Dee threw the door open with a satisfied feeling.

Bikky whirled in his chair, hearing the door fly open; sure he was in trouble again.

"I didn't do- Dee?!"

"Hey champ. Come on, we're leaving." Dee crouched, packing Bikky's bag for him.

"What? Leaving? Does my dad know you're here? Where are we going?" Bikky's eyes were wide. Dee was in a mood, he could see that much.

"Yes, he knows, he gave me permission. Come on, we're going to go out to lunch, and then to the zoo or something." Dee stood, Bikky's bag thrown over his shoulder. "Unless of course, you'd rather stay here."

"If we're going to the zoo maybe…" Bikky rolled his eyes, getting up from his chair, his butt totally numb.

"I said 'or something' come on, before Irene out there decides I need written permission from your dad, and a sperm sample to prove my identity." Dee put his hand on Bikky's shoulder, urging him out the door and down the hall. To Bikky it almost felt as if he were playing hooky, as they all but ran to the car, or maybe being kidnapped. Not that he minded.

Dee got Bikky in the car, and hopped behind the wheel of the Honda, cranking the key and starting the car more by force of will then anything. He was honestly worried they would decide he needed more then oral permission, and he would be damned if they would keep him from his son.

"So, what for lunch?" he asked, narrowly making a yellow light at the intersection in front of the school.

"Dave's?" Bikky suggested, watching Dee as if he had totally lost his mind. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Taking you out to lunch, what does it look like?" Dee rolled his eyes, flicking off a taxi that cut him off.

"Yeah but… why?"

"Listen… sport… oh fuck this traffic, come on, lets walk." Dee grumbled, grabbing a spot along the sidewalk, practically before the car leaving it was out of the way.

So they walked, several blocks, cutting through Central Park. Dee smoked, his other hand in his pocket. Bikky trotted along beside him, stealing sidelong glances at him. What was this? What was going on? Each block they walked with out Dee speaking made Bikky more and more nervous.

"Sport… Ryo tells me you've been having a lot of problems lately. Fighting, stealing…"

"Its only a problem because I keep getting caught." Bikky replied, tilting his chin up in forced pride.

"It's a problem, because if you don't cut it out, you are going to go to juvey, and be taken away from Ryo. If they take you from him to put you in juvey, you won't be going back to him, do you understand that?" Dee looked down at the boy and his forced bravery. Big talk, nothing to back it up.

"Yeah, so what. Who gives a fuck?" Bikky shrugged, wiping his nose with his sleeve, trying to look tough.

"You do. Ryo does. I do. So more or less, everyone. And don't say fuck. Bikky if you're mad at me for leaving, take it out on me, okay? Do what you need to do to feel better, but don't take it out on Ryo, and don't take it out by breaking the law."

"I'll say fuck if I want." The boy snipped, puffing out his chest, trying not to let the feeling of the floor dropping out from under him show on his face. Did Dee honestly think this was because he was mad at him? Was he mad at him?… No, he was mad at Ryo.

"The hell you will. You're twelve, that's too damn young to be swearing like a sailor. Watch your damn mouth or I'll do to you what Penguin did to me when I swore." Dee replied, "Do as I say, not as I do."

Bikky watched him a long time not saying anything. Watching how Dee smoked

on his cigarette, not the easy, graceful way he usually did, but puffing on it, practically chewing it. To say Dee was tense was an understatement. Finally Bikky broke the silence.

"I want to live with you."

"What?!" Dee exclaimed so startled the cigarette actually dropped from his lips, into the front pocket of his shirt. "Have you lost your- sonofabitch!" he swore as the still smoldering butt burned through his shirt and started working on his chest. He smacked himself a could times before pulling what was left of the now crushed smoke from the front pocket it had burned a hole through. Shaking his head he dropped it to the sidewalk and ground it out, just for safety sake, rubbing his wounded chest with his right hand.

"I want to live with you Dee."

"I heard you the first time, but in God's name, why?"

This time it was Bikky's turn to be silent, scuffing his tennies on the sidewalk, looking down at his shoelaces. Why did he want to live with Dee? It wasn't that he didn't love Ryo, or didn't want to see him any more. But he was really mad at Ryo. Bikky hadn't been privy to all the talks and fights his 'parents' had had lately, but he had heard a good number of them through the wall. Ryo wanted some suburban family unit. Babies… a wife. Bikky was pretty sure, despite all Ryo's words about loving him, and never wanting to get rid of him, that once Ryo got those things that he wanted, Bikky would be shipped off in short order. Besides, Dee had been bad enough, but a woman in the house? No way. He had no interest in a 'mother' figure. Of course, to Bikky these ideas were only the vaguest of emotions, all he knew his he felt a strong pull to be close to Dee right now.

"I don't know. I mean… don't get me wrong. I still love him, and want to see him but… I don't know…" Bikky sighed, frustrated.

"Okay… its okay bud, take your time…" Dee's earlier agitation had calmed some, his concern for the brat taking precedence.

"I just… don't think Ryo understands."

"Understands what?" Dee asked, starting them walking again, putting an arm around Bikky's shoulders.

"Okay, the absolute, God's honest, no flinch truth?" Bikky asked, looking up at Dee, his heart beating rapidly.

"Hit me." Dee nodded.

"He is way way too all about him right now. He still takes care of me… but… okay, remember when we were up all night that one time, and you got me drunk, and we talked about things?"

"I didn't get you drunk." But Dee smiled, knowing Bikky just thought it was funny. "But yeah, I remember."

"Okay, see… I couldn't do that with him. He would want to talk about feelings, or tell me what he thinks, or whatever. I mean… okay, I know it's totally retarded, but like about the religions shit. Ryo can't talk about that. I don't know what his hang up is with god, but, it's a big mother fu- trucker. And I want to know, I want something… just some info, you know? Because that might be pretty important… or like girls… I mean…" Bikky was blushing, and Dee knew beyond a shadow of a doubt Bikky was talking, not about girls, but about the effect and result of them.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Dee nodded. Bikky let out a breath of relief.

"Good. But, like, I don't think he could talk about that… it would make him all up tight and embarrassed, and instead of giving me the information I want… he'll probably lecture me about not having sex. I love Ryo… but…"

"But it's obvious he is a first time parent, and an only child?" Dee raised his eyebrows a little.

"Yeah, I guess." Bikky nodded and fell silent again, giving them both time to think.

Ryo was a first time parent and only child… and it was painfully obvious sometimes. He didn't always understand kids. He loved them to death, that was obvious. And Dee was sure that if he got to start from scratch with an infant, Ryo would be an awesome dad. But getting thrown in with a preteen… Ryo tried, and for the most part did an excellent job. But Dee was starting to see and understand a trend here. His ex lover was very self involved right now, and that was okay, everyone had times when they needed to just focus on themselves. It wasn't being selfish, it was a necessity. The problem was, Ryo had no clue that's what he was doing.

"Well sport… I can tell you that Ryo loves you, very very much. And that I am sure he is doing the best we can. Everyone makes mistakes, and has short comings, even your dad. But if you truly, truly, want to live with me… I'll talk to Ryo, and maybe you can like… spend weekends with me or something." Dee sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Man, what a mess.

"What like you two are divorced or something?"

"It's a sticky situation bud, that's the best I can do."

"Can I call you 'weekend dad'?" Bikky teased, giving Dee a playful shove, trying to lighten the mood.

"Only if I can take you to the zoo." Dee smirked, shoving back.

"No way, you pervert!" Bikky gave Dee a boot to the rear and took off running, Dee in hot pursuit.

"Get back here half breed!" Dee laughed, sprinting after the boy, tackling him in the soft grass of a soccer field.

They rolled around, rough housing, Dee trying to tickle Bikky into submission, Bikky just trying to pin him down. The match ended when Bikky got Dee in a headlock and gave him the nooggie of a lifetime.

"Uncle! Uncle!" Dee panted, laughing

With one parting scrub of his knuckle in Dee's dark hair, Bikky let him go; hoping to his feet, just in case the truce was fake. Dee pulled himself to his feet slowly, grinning. He looked disheveled, his shirt half untucked, his hair wild from the noogie. He brushed of his pants and ran a hand through his hair, managing to at least get it to all lay down.

"Alright, so Dave's." He patted the boy on the back, tucking in his shirt as they headed out of the park for the hamburger joint.

"Yeah… I haven't eaten there since you left… Its not Ryo's thing…" Bikky sighed, kicking a stone out of his way.

"Yeah, I know, well, it can be our thing from now on, okay?" Dee scruffed the boy's hair.

"Yeah, alright, sounds like a good deal… weekend dad."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The phone rang at seven in the evening, almost to the minute. Ryo had been expecting it, but he jumped anyway. He was disturbed to see the hand that reached for the receiver shook.

"Hello?"

"Ryo, its Dee."

As if Ryo didn't immediately recognize his voice, hell, knew it was him before the phone even rang.

"Hi Dee. How did it go this afternoon?" Ryo shutting his eyes, leaning his head back against the headboard. He couldn't believe how much it hurt, just to hear his voice, and the coolness in it.

"Good, it went good. We talked about a lot of things. Bikky is feeling insecure."

"I'm glad it went well. I know he is pretty upset. I'm just not sure what to do about it."

"I know. Listen Ryo, I know I don't have legal rights to Bikky… but I've been in his life as long as you have. He said he wants to spend time with me; and I would like to spend time with him too." Dee's voice was both cautious and cautioning. He was tiptoeing around this one, but he wasn't budging.

"You're right. He needs you in his life still."

There was a long pause, Dee utterly stunned that Ryo had agreed so easily and quickly... Not that he wasn't glad, but it had totally broadsided him.

"Thank you." Dee said quietly, suddenly feeling very humble. He had expected Ryo to put up a fight, to react with the immaturity Dee thought he would react with, situations reversed.

"Dee…" Ryo sighed softly. "I don't want this to be messy. I've fucked up Bikky too. He needs to feel secure. I've been meaning to adopt him officially for months now…"

"I didn't know that…" Dee's voice was quiet, unsure how to proceed.

"I know. If you and Bikky both want, we could do this as a two party adoption, so you would have legal rights and responsibilities equal to mine… some security as a parent."

There was another long pause. Parent. It was such a heavy word, and it swamped Dee's brain, slowly seeping into the wrinkles of his gray matter. If they did this, he would be a parent on paper. Dee Laytner… who would have thought.

"Ryo, if that is what Bikky wants, its what I want too. Thank you."

"I wasn't lying when I said I love you. I do. And I loved Bikky, and this is the best for all of us." Ryo had to clear the tears that clenched his throat, feeling both his own pain, and Dee's, tangible across the wire.

"And I love you. But I won't be your mistress." Dee's voice was a horse whisper.

"I'm not asking you to be."

"If you love me, but still have another, even if it's only in your mind, I'm just your side fuck… your time in between."

"Dee…" Ryo pleaded, feeling hot tears slid down his cheeks and neck.

"Do you still want a wife?" Ryo was sure Dee was crying too, though his voice remained hard and unyielding.

"Yes." His voice cracked and broke.

"Then we have nothing to talk about. Send me the paper work when you have it." There was no thaw in Dee's voice.

"Okay." It was all Ryo could manage.

"Bye."

"Bye…" but the line clicked dead before the word came. Ryo hung up the phone, dropping his face into his hands, crying silently for a moment before trying to gather himself. He went to the bathroom, looking at his tear-stained face for a long moment, wondering where it had gone wrong, where it had slipped through his fingers. Shaking his head, trying to shake loose his pain, Ryo bent over the sink, washing his face thoroughly, scrubbing away the physical evidence of his pain.

After he dried his face, he made his way across the small apartment to Bikky's even smaller bedroom. Ryo was pretty sure the room was meant to be a closet. Oh well, that was New York apartments for you. He rapped a knuckle on the doorframe lightly.

"Bik?"

Bikky was sprawled out across his rumpled twin bed, Harry Potter and the Scorer's Stone in his hands. Dog-earing his page, he closed the book and looked up at Ryo.

"Yo."

"How did things go with Dee this afternoon?" Ryo asked, edging into the room, barely slender enough to fit between the boy's desk and his bed. The quarters were so tight, Bikky didn't even have a desk chair, he just sat on his bed. Ryo managed to wedge himself between though, to sit on the edge of the boy's bed.

"Good, we went to Dave's and had malts and burgers." Bikky turned on his side, curling around Ryo a little.

"Good, I'm glad." Ryo smiled a little, smoothing back Bikky's blonde hair. "That was Dee on the phone."

"I figured." Bikky watched his dad close, nervous, wondering what Dee had said.

"Dee was asking about having you live with him part time, you know weekends and stuff. What do you think of that?" Ryo phrased the question carefully, not wanting Bikky to feel as though he was being pawned off.

Bikky chewed his lip nervously, glancing away from Ryo, shifting uncomfortably around him. These were dangerous waters.

"Its okay, Bikster, I won't be angry. He's been in your life as long as I have. Its okay." Ryo said gently.

"I want to live with Dee, too." Bikky whispered, still not able to look at Ryo.

"Okay. He wants that too. I think it's a good idea." Ryo watched the boy that would be his son, rubbing his arm.

"You do?"

"Yes. I do. You and Dee are a lot alike. I think that he can help you understand some things that I never could."

Bikky studied his dad a long time, before throwing his arms around his waist and hugging him tight, a tension inside him easing, knowing that Ryo loved him enough to let him love Dee.

Author's Note: Yes I know, it's all terribly tragic. Thank you so much those of you who left the long reviews, I truly appreciate that you put in some time to let me know what you think, I'm glad you guys are moved by my work. This chapter came out amazingly quickly. Also, if anyone has any questions about my characterization of anyone, drop me a line, I would be more then happy to explain my logic. Anyway, thanks to those of you who have been so patient.