Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Delicate ❯ With or Without You ( Chapter 18 )

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ;

Delicate

Chapter Sixteen:

With or Without You

By: Irish

-o-o-o-o-

 

 

Dee groaned, looking at his cell phone as it rang for the second time in five minutes. He was trying to sleep before work, and had been doing a good job of it until five minutes ago. This time he actually picked it up and looked at the caller ID. It was Ryo.

 

“The fuck?” Dee husked. It had been two weeks since he had asked Ryo to stop calling him, and Ryo had respected his request, his number hadn't shown up on Dee's phone since. To see it now, at a time when Ryo had to know Dee was trying to sleep, pointed to only one thing. Something was wrong and it had to do with Bikky.

 

On the third ring, Dee flipped open his phone.

 

“What's wrong with Bikky?” Dee asked by way of greeting.

 

“It's okay, it's nothing serious,” Ryo replied immediately, causing Dee to sigh in relief. “At least, nothing abnormal. He's sick, Dee, I mean real sick. He's been puking his guts out since after dinner.”

 

Dee glanced at the clock. Dinner for them had probably been about two or three hours ago. “But just regular puking right? No blood or anything?”

 

“Right, but he's miserable and… and I'm no help. He needs someone in there with him…” Ryo trailed off slowly, sounding both annoyed and resigned.

 

“And you're a sympathy vomiter,” Dee nodded. Ryo was one of those people who couldn't handle other people throwing up. Braced for it, he might have been able to see Bikky through one round, but if Bikky had been puking on and off for two hours, Ryo would be at the end of his tolerance. “I'll be right there.”

 

“Thank you, Dee.”

 

“None needed.”

 

Dee hung up before Ryo could reply to that. This was strictly business. He was going over there for Bikky and had no intention of discussing anything but their son with Ryo. In fact, if he were very lucky, he wouldn't have to exchange more then a couple words with Ryo. He wouldn't come in the bathroom while Bikky was sick, and Dee was going to leave as soon as Bikky had finished emptying his stomach.

 

He dashed out the door, not for the first time, shivering only a bit in the cool night air. Winter had finally mostly passed, giving way to the very earliest days of spring. Dee was grateful. It had been a very cold winter for him with no coat. He still wasn't sure why he hadn't just bought a new one. He just never had. Now though, the hooded sweatshirts he had been using in place of a real coat were weather appropriate.

 

On his way over to Ryo's apartment, he called in sick to work, having no qualms about doing so. He certainly had enough leave, and even if he hadn't, Bikky needed him. Ryo buzzed him up immediately when Dee got there, and had left the apartment door unlocked. Dee had no trouble finding they were. He could hear Bikky retching from the front door.

 

Ryo was hovering at the door to the bathroom, leaning against the wall, so he couldn't actually see into the bathroom. He had a hand over his mouth and was looking rather green himself.

 

“Are you sick too?” Dee asked, feigning indifference, trying to make it sound like the only reason he cared was because he didn't want to be scrubbing vomit off the floor. Ryo shook his head, and indicated the bathroom with his head, apparently not daring to open his mouth.

 

“Right,” Dee sighed, not blaming Ryo for immediately retreating to the far end of the apartment from the bathroom, nor was he surprised when he heard the TV come on rather loudly.

 

Dee took a deep breath and slipped into the bathroom. Bikky had finished his latest round, and was slumped against the wall, gray and sweating.

 

“Hey tiger,” Dee said softly, “Pretty sick huh?” He ran some water, handing Bikky a glass of cool water. “Rinse your mouth, then sip that,”

 

Bikky nodded miserably, reaching up for the glass with a badly shaking hand, needing both hands to hold it, and it still chattered against his teeth as he sipped, then spit it into the toilet before taking another small sip and swallowing.

 

“Do you think it was something you ate?” Dee asked, easing onto the floor besides him. Bikky leaned into him immediately, a sure sign he was truly miserable. Dee settled the boy in his arms, making sure he had quick and easy access to the toilet.

 

“Nah,” Bikky rasped, “It's only coming out one end,”

 

Dee chuckled softly. It was true. If it had been something he had eaten, it probably would have been even worse, as Bikky had implied, coming out both ends.

 

“Fair enough. Stomach bug been going around at school?” Dee had soaked a washcloth, and now gently washed the sweat from Bikky's face and neck.

 

“I dunno, guess so,” Bikky shrugged.

 

There was almost a half hour where Bikky half dozed in Dee's arms, making soft sounds of distress as he did. After that small respite though he woke, bolting to his knees for another round of retching and vomiting. Dee actually had to help support him; he was so worn out from the throwing up.

 

It was nearly two in the morning when Bikky finally stopped tossing his cookies. He had been rather soundly asleep in Dee's arms for almost an hour. Dee deemed it safe to put him to bed, with a bucket handy, and hopefully let him sleep comfortably for a while.

 

When Dee came out of the bathroom carrying Bikky in his arms, he found Ryo perched on the edge of the sofa. He had peeked in during the down times, but hadn't said anything, not wanting to disturb Bikky who was usually sleeping. Ryo looked very relieved to see them finally emerge, and hopped up immediately, going to Bikky's closet of a room and turning down his bed, then stepping into Billy's closet, so Dee could come in and lay Bikky down.

 

Bikky's room was so small that Dee and Ryo could barely both be in there at the same time, even with Ryo in the closet. Dee managed to hedge in, though, and ease Bikky onto his bed, tucking him in tenderly and kissing his forehead, before he straightened and turned to leave.

 

Ryo had stepped out of the closet, both because he was uncomfortable, and wanting to help tuck his son in. When Dee turned, though, this put them face to face. Well, more like forehead to chin because of the height difference. Ryo looked up at Dee, an automatic action, as Dee looked down at him. There were only inches between their mouths.

 

Ryo had been about to say `excuse me', before sidling past Dee, but the words died on his lips as he looked up into green eyes that were so very very familiar. Eyes that still haunted his dreams. Eyes that used to terrify him. He rested his fingertips against Dee's chest, feeling his heart throbbing through the cotton of his tee shirt.

 

Dee didn't move, looking down at Ryo. How achingly familiar was this position? Inches from Ryo, so close he could feel Ryo's body heat. He waited, wondering if Ryo would have the balls to kiss him. Maybe for once in his life the man would take some initiative, reach out for something, but nothing happened. Disappointment warred with self-righteousness and also the feeling that he wasn't playing fair. He couldn't tell Ryo to leave him alone, then expect Ryo to chase after him. Of course, how often had Ryo told Dee to leave him alone? Then wanted to be chased.

 

He made a soft sound and shook his head, brushing Ryo's hand off his chest, managing to step around him. Ryo watched him go, not processing anything but what a fine view Dee was from behind, for long moments. Finally, as Dee was pulling on his boots, Ryo shook himself out of it. He kissed Bikky hastily, shutting the door behind him as he exited into he living room. “Dee, wait,”

 

“I've been waiting all my life Ryo. I'm done waiting for you,” Dee shook his head, lacing up his boots even faster.

 

“I know! I know, damnit! I know I'm a jackass. I know I've hurt you. I know all of that, but damnit Dee, I'm sorry! I know that doesn't make it okay. I know that doesn't fix your broken heart. I get it Dee,” Ryo sighed, daring to move closer. Dee had both boots on, if he really wanted to leave, he didn't need to lace them up. He could walk out.

 

Ryo reached out, stopping Dee's hands on his lace. “You don't owe me anything… I'm asking you to stay. I'm asking you to hear me out. If you won't do that, then at least stay until Bikky wakes up. If he starts throwing up again…”

 

Dee glared. Ryo wasn't playing fair. Using Bikky to get him to stay.

 

“Dee, what do I have to do? What do I have to do to convince you, that if nothing else, I do understand? I don't want you to hate me. I've earned it… but we've got a lifetime of sharing Bikky. If you refuse to be in the same room as me, every holiday and major event, you're asking him to choose between us.”

 

“You're such a bastard!” Dee exploded in a whisper. “That isn't fair, using Bikky to make me do what you want! You know I will, damnit! You know it, and you're utterly shameless about using it!” Dee shook his head violently.

 

“That's part of caring about people, Dee, about having a family, they've always got you hooked through the nose. You should know that better than anyone,” Ryo said softly, not unempathetic, but unrelenting.

 

“Fucking straight I do. In a lifetime of doing stupid things letting you two in ranks in the top three.” Dee was angry with himself. He didn't like being jerked around. He didn't like it when people had him by the shorthairs. He knew better then to ever let anyone inside his street-hardened shell, but he had done it anyway, and now he was going to be paying for it until he died. Even if he hadn't wanted to stay in Bikky's life, the pain of the whole thing would always be there, a wound that would never fully heal.

 

Ryo looked away, shamed. It was pretty bad when someone ranked you in their top three mistakes of a lifetime. Dee didn't say things just to be hurtful; he wasn't like that, which meant that he was sincere.

 

“Wow,” he said softly, hoarsely. “I guess that puts me in my place. Just don't ever let Bikky hear you say that. He's already too hard,” Ryo shook his head and looked up at Dee. “You aren't going to shame me into relenting, though. To me, it is worth whatever hard words you have for me.”

 

“Stop that! Stop that fucking martyr bull shit! Just leave me alone, Ryo!”

 

“If that's what you really wanted, you'd leave,” Ryo shrugged.

 

Dee stared at him a long moment, then glanced at the door, then back to Ryo, then down at his untied shoes. All he had to do was walk out. He had done it once, why couldn't he do it now? Because he couldn't say no to Ryo. Not really.

 

Ryo was shocked when Dee looked at him again and his eyes were bright with tears; probably of frustration. Dee shook his head again, then with a sound of disgust, took his shoes off once more.

 

“God, bad enough to force yourself on me, then to point out that I like it…” Dee whispered. It was humiliating. What it came down to was that Ryo had professed to love him, and even though he had done a poor job of actually doing that, just those words from once upon a time were so much to Dee that he couldn't even let it go. It was pathetic. He hated himself for that weakness.

 

“You're right,” Ryo nodded with a sigh. He took Dee's hands in his own, gently drawing him back towards the bedroom. When Dee balked, Ryo sighed again.

 

“I'm not trying to get in your pants. I just want to talk, and I don't want to wake Bikky.”

 

“Whatever,” Dee shrugged. What did it really matter anyway? He wanted to be loved so very badly, he was apparently willing to emotionally whore himself for it. Not that he was surprised; he just didn't like being reminded.

 

“No, not whatever… I'm making this worse, aren't I?” Ryo asked softly, closing the door once they were in his room, sitting down on his bed and scooting back to lean against the wall. “I'm making you feel worse. That's not what I want, Dee. I… I just can't stand knowing I'm the one who broke you. More importantly, I can't stand the idea that I'm the one who may have made it impossible for you to ever trust, or let anyone close ever again. I want to be with you, so very badly, but I know that that is probably impossible now. What I want even more is to know that maybe you'll eventually find someone who will treat you right.”

 

“What, and I'm to fucking stupid to do that on my own?” Dee snapped bitterly.

 

“Well, no, not stupid. I've been talking to Drake lately. I tried to talk to Mother Maria, but she stonewalled me, understandably so. Drake's confirmed a lot that I've guessed at.”

 

“What do you mean?” Dee's eyes narrowed suspiciously, his arms crossed over his chest.

 

“Juanita,”

 

Dee stared at Ryo in stony silence, refusing to show any impact the name may have had on him. His stomach did a little flip though at her name.

 

“Drake told me about her. She was your last real relationship, yes? Everyone else has just been dalliance, between her and myself?” Ryo was watching Dee very closely. Drake had painted himself in a corner on this one. Ryo had been waxing eloquent about Dee, as he was wont to do these days, and Drake, sick of his blithering had snapped `God you're worse than Nita!'

 

“What do you mean I'm worse then `Nita'? Who is Nita?” Ryo frowned, looking at Drake. Drake had known Dee longer then anyone but Penguin. Since they had both been rookies. They had even attended academy together, actually.

 

“He didn't tell you…? No one, she's no one.”

 

Ryo hadn't been willing to let it go, though, and had finally badgered Drake into it. It had taken a couple beers too, after work, to get him to talk, but eventually he had sung like the proverbial canary.

 

“That bitch. Last real relationship Dee had. Well, besides you. He has the most fucked up relationships. Ted falls in love every other fucking day, JJ only wants the unattainable… Dee… He fucks a lot, and that's fine… but he's like, you know, an emotional bitch, a masochist. I don't know what he does in bed, but out of bed, he seems to like being hurt.” Drake shrugged.

 

Ryo swallowed the bile that rose in his throat at what that implied about himself. This was more important then his own feelings about the situation.

 

“So, this Nita hurt him?”

 

“I dunno it's not that easy. See, he got involved with her during the academy. She was trouble from word go. I didn't think it would last. She was like most of his lays. Easy, cheep, but not quite slutty, dumb but cunning. But then, she stayed. I don't know what she did to keep him hanging on to her, but he did. Proposed to her, bought her a ring, the whole nine yards. They both had tempers though. Dee, you know him, he talks like he's badass, and there's no doubt he's hard, but he's not a total fuck. He'd shout, and I guess he says he shoved her around a bit, even claims he slapped her a time or two… but let me tell ya, Ryo, I never saw a mark on her, and she slapped him around all the time. You couldn't say she beat him, I mean; Dee could overpower her if he wanted to. But I saw her do it all the time, she'd do it right in public, slap him across the face, or pinch him hard enough to leave a mark. And he just took it. If he pushed her, or ever raised his hand to her, I'm sure it was self defense.” Drake had paused in his retelling of Dee's past to take a drink of his fourth beer.

 

“That don't make it right. I know that. This ain't no Blue Wall of Silence bullshit either. He wasn't blameless, but if anyone should have pressed charges it was him. That was nothing compared to what she said to him. God, she'd just tear into him. Again, right in front of whomever, she didn't care. He'd retort at first, but then just let her go at him. I asked him all the time, why the hell did he stay with her? He'd just shrug `she loves me',” he'd say. Like that explained it all. I don't know what the final straw was, or who left whom, but they finally went their separate ways. He was a basket case for a while, but then… well, eventually he was happier without her. After that though, nothing lasted longer than a few months. No one was ever more than a fuckbuddy. Until you.”

 

Ryo had guessed that there had to have been some bad relationships in Dee's past. He had been very surprised to hear that it had been a woman though. Not because he was surprised Dee was with a woman. He had, until recently it seemed, been one of the few people who truly swung both ways. He was surprised that a woman had managed to exert so much physical power over Dee.

 

“What about her,” Dee shrugged.

 

“She hurt you and it took you five years to get past it enough to consider another long term relationship. I don't want that to happen again, to take five years of your life because you can't trust anyone after me,”

 

Dee snorted, “Oh yeah? That so? I don't know if you've done the math, but I chased you for two years, spent just shy of a year with you, and it's been a year since we broke up. That's four years of my life you've already taken.”

 

“I know. Why do you think I'm so adamant?”

 

“Because you don't want to feel guilty,” Dee replied without a moment of hesitation. “You've always got to be the good little boy. That's what started this whole bullshit anyway. You had to be perfect.”

 

Ryo fell quiet a moment, sifting through his own feelings. Was Dee right? Was that why he was doing this, pushing Dee, chipping away at him, trying to get through his defenses again? Since he had come out to his aunt Ryo had set a very firm no waffling rule for himself. That meant no hedging, no partial truths.

 

“Alright, that's fair,” Ryo nodded slowly, looking at his hands which he had laced over one knee. “More than fair, and at least partial true. I do feel terrible about all of this. About what I've done to you and Bikky, and also for the years of my own life I've wasted. I do feel guilty…” he trailed off, before looking over at Dee again. “But that's only a part of it. I truly, genuinely, care for you, about you, about what happens to you. I want you to be happy, because you more than deserve that, not because I want to ease my own conscious.”

 

“Fuck, Ryo. If this last four years has been you `caring about me', I think I'd rather have you as my nemesis.” Dee snorted. He was pacing along the length of the bed, hands moving restlessly, unable to settle in any position.

 

“Dee, will you sit down already? I get it, you're angry and frustrated, but you're just working yourself up more, pacing like that,”

 

“Don't tell me what to do!” Dee snapped, when he almost added `you're not the boss of me', though, he decided Ryo was right, and jerked a hard-backed chair around and sitting down on his backwards. “Fine. Now what?”

 

Ryo wanted to take Dee in his arms, hold him, sooth him, ease all his hurts and worries. He was pretty sure Dee would bite off his fingers if he tried though. He did scoot forward to the edge of the bed though, so they were closer.

 

“Why don't you tell me why you stayed?” Ryo suggested, still trying to figure that out himself.

 

“What, you're my fucking shrink?” Dee growled.

 

“I'd really appreciate it if you'd put billy-bad-ass Dee back in his cage, so sensible Dee can come out. You don't need to show me how tough you are.” Ryo managed to say this politely, despite his own irritation. Did Dee really think he'd fall for the same crass act that he used on everyone else?

 

“I don't know what else to do!” Dee growled, “You really don't get it, do you? If I give myself even half an excuse, I'm going to begging you to take me back! I'm angry with you, but I'm even angrier with myself. I can't ever do better then you, and I damned well know it. No matter how badly you hurt me…” his voice cracked a little, and when he spoke next, his voice was lower, quieter, so his emotions couldn't be as easily heard, “No matter how badly you hurt me, I can't tell you `no'. I'll just keep throwing my heart after you, and when you kick it around, I'm just so happy you've noticed me long enough to do that… But if I let you close again, I'm going to hate myself, because it's so goddamn pathetic…”

 

“Dee,” Ryo looked at him a long time, heart aching. He was so beautiful; not just his body, that was just packaging, but it matched what was inside of him. He was such a kind man, noble, with an incredible capacity for love and loyalty. Ryo knew he needed to let him go, though. “You're really incredible, you know that?” Ryo spoke softly, resting his hand over Dee's hands on the back of the chair. “You don't give yourself nearly enough credit.”

 

Dee shook his head in a mute denial, not looking at Ryo. He was so twisted up inside, he was so hurt and angry… but so terribly lonely, and there was no way to reconcile the three. He had lost track of what they were even supposed to be talking about at the moment.

 

“I'm really good at screwing you up, getting you all turned around until you don't know what way is up. I used to think it was you who did that to me… I'm being selfish again, wanting you back, even if it is for the right reasons with the most honorable of intentions. I've missed you terribly. I wasn't lying though, earlier, if you and I can't figure out how to get along without it constantly being a huge drama, we're asking Bikky to pick between us. That isn't fair to him,” Ryo paused, waiting for Dee's reaction.

 

Dee nodded, not speaking yet, knowing that Ryo was right, about Bikky anyway.

 

“So… we need to find someway to mend enough bridges that we can be friendly, without falling back into old patterns of behavior.” Ryo said.

 

“You're right,” Dee took a deep breath, relaxing ever so slightly. He wasn't positive he could handle it, but he knew it would be better then trying resist Ryo's attempts to get them back together. They had done okay at being friends at first. There had to be a way to get back to that.

 

“Good,” Ryo smiled, giving Dee's hand a squeeze, before letting him go. “Good,” It made Ryo's heart sink, it felt like the final nail in the coffin of a relationship that had been dying slowly and painfully for a long time. He wasn't losing Dee though, they had been friends long before they had been lovers, and that's all that mattered.

 

 

 

Author's Note: I do want to clarify one little line, where Dee says one of the biggest mistakes was allowing Bikky and Ryo get close to him, he doesn't really mean he regrets loving Bikky, only that for maintain his distance and hardness, Bikky is a huge chink in that armor. So, don't think he doesn't love Bikky or anything like that. As always, sorry for the long delay. I won't make any promises about the next chapter, but it will happen eventually. And don't worry there WILL be another chapter, several more. I'm not going to leave them broken up! Thank you so much to all my loyal readers, and all my new ones. Don't forget to leave a review if you get the chance!