Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Delicate ❯ Built This Way ( Chapter 17 )

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^;

Delicate

Chapter Fifteen: Built This Way

By: Irish

 

~*~*~*~

 

“Dee, its Ryo,” Ryo sighed at Dee's voicemail. Dee was screening his calls. “I know it's me you're trying to avoid, but please, call me. I-I- we need to talk.” Ryo closed his eyes as he closed his phone, clipping it to his belt. Dee had been avoiding him more in the last two weeks than he had since they had first broken up. Ryo knocked his head against the hospital wall a couple times in frustration. Really, he should call Lyn. He hadn't talked to Lyn in two weeks either, although in that case it was because Ryo was avoiding Lyn, not the other way around.

 

“Oh my god, it's like I'm back in high school.” The drama, the telephone tag, the silent treatment. There was at least one thing that Ryo could feel good about, though, Sascha had lived. Ryo had refused to give the case up to anyone else. He had followed after the ambulance moments after Dee departed the scene, and had gathered the evidence as it was found. Sascha had been right, there were fingerprints on the larger shards flesh of glass that had broken off in his. With all the blood though, even Dr. Romanova, a forensics wizard, had only been able to lift one useable print. So it looked like Sascha's queer bashing would go the same as Andrew's had. No suspects.

 

Ryo took a deep breath before continuing up the hallway to Sascha's room. The man was still in serious condition, but considering he had been critical condition for four days, and the doctors had been telling his partner not to hold his breath, serious condition was a miracle.

 

The detective knocked softly on the doorframe and poked his head around it. It was evening and the lights were dim. The huge detective that was Sascha's lover was in the same place he had been every other time Ryo had stopped by; in a chair right at Sascha's side. He put down the case file he had been looking at and looked up.

 

“Detective McLean, please come in.”

 

“How is he?” Ryo asked as he slipped in on silent feet, indicating Sascha with his head.

 

“Asleep. Okay, maybe sedated is a better word.” Sean sighed, reaching up to touch Sascha's hand. “Frustrated, when he's awake, that he can't give you more information.”

 

“Yeah, I know, it's not his fault though.” The problem wasn't that Sascha didn't remember. Although he had one hell of a concussion there was nothing wrong with his memory. The vacant staring Ryo remembered from that night had nothing to do with Sascha's injuries. The man was blind. He remembered his attackers voices, or so he said, perfectly. It would be great if they ever caught the guys, but that seemed unlikely.

 

“It's not yours either,” Sean shrugged. “Thanks for putting so much into this.”

 

“How could I not?” Ryo glanced at Sascha, he actually looked worse now than he had when they had brought him into the ER. Bruises that hadn't even begun to show that night now were turning all shades of the rainbow. Ryo made a mental note to have their medical examiner come over and take pictures again. “I don't have anything to tell you, I just wanted to stop by. He's got some serious mettle.” Dee would have said `balls', but the gist was the same.

 

“You have no idea,” Detective Lundgren actually chuckled a little.

 

“Oh, I think I might. He reminds me of my last partner.” Ryo decided to let Sean decide what kind of partner he meant. “I'll let you get back to work. Call if you need anything.”

 

Ryo glared at his phone as he left the hospital. He wanted to talk to Dee, goddamnit. Why did Dee have to choose now to get stubborn and defiant? He had always been perfectly civil, and considering the grounds on which the relationship had been terminated, Ryo really gave him kudos for that.

 

Now though, the man was acting like a stubborn mule. Dee had only returned his calls when it pertained to arrangements for Bikky, and then he had always managed to time it so that he got Ryo's voice mail as well, and left a message. Ryo was pretty sure he finally outfoxed him on that though, he didn't intend on shutting off his phone until he heard from Dee. Ryo had tried waiting for him at work, and Dee managed to evade him, most likely with the help of Drake or JJ. He had tried waiting for Dee at his apartment, and Dee never showed. He had left a message on Dee's desk. It had been gone the next day but there had been no return note. He had tried calling while Dee was on shift, to get the dispatch operator to patch him through, she had refused, and Wanda never refused that sort of request before. Ryo had even called Mother Maria on a Sunday afternoon that Dee had off, hoping to catch him there. Penguin had told him that Dee wasn't there, but it made Ryo wonder if nuns were allowed to lie. Short of putting out an APB on him and getting him thrown in a holding cell until Ryo could come talk to him, Ryo had run out of ideas.

 

Of course, he could call Lyn. Ryo was under the impression that Dee and Andrew had gotten pretty close. He didn't want to talk to Lyn though. Ryo knew he was wrong, about this whole thing with Mary. He knew he had treated Dee horribly, knew that he was making some real crappy choices, all of which Lyn had told him. He doubted Lyn would say `I told you so', but it was still more humble pie than Ryo really wanted to stomach. Talking to Dee was going to be bad enough.

 

The word `grovel' came to mind.

 

The weather had turned snowy after the ice/sleet storm two weeks ago, but it had been warmish, just cold enough to keep a couple inches of grimy snow around. Ryo zipped up his jacket, the jacket that was actually Dee's, and pulled on his gloves as he immerged into the cold winter air. It had been warmish, but not actually warm. He took his cell phone off his belt and glared at it again, willing it to ring. It remained insolently silent. Talking to Dee had become almost an obsession, one that was growing with each passing day.

 

He knew why Dee was avoiding him, or thought he did. Dee probably thought Ryo was trying to get a hold of him because what had happened with Sascha two weeks ago had shaken him up and he wanted a shoulder to cry on. Much to Ryo's annoyance he could understand why Dee might be thinking that. His behavior over the last year had been… well…

 

Insane, really.

 

Ryo had been putting off Mary as well. He had gone out to dinner with her on Friday, but just dinner, nothing else. He didn't love her, and he knew it. Even if he thought he could keep up his little charade of heterosexuality, he just couldn't stomach a marriage of convenience, especially when it wouldn't really be a mutual convenience.

 

Ryo brooded as he started down the street. He had been driving less and less over the last two weeks and walking more. It was good for him, and easier on his wallet, but really, it was just to think. He had stopped even taking a morning jog though. He had heard it was possible to get addicted to the endorphin high you got from running, but he doubted that's why he was addicted. He ran to stop thinking.

 

“I wonder if there is such a thing as Runners Anonymous,” the Detective muttered to himself as he walked briskly to catch a walk light.

 

In the last two weeks he had been walking more, and thinking more, and was actually terrified to see what a path of destruction he had made through his own life, and the lives of nearly everyone around him. It was really almost surreal to him. `Who the hell was that person, and how did he take over my body?' The scarier part, though, was that he could still feel that `person' hovering in his mind. Every time he thought about telling his aunt, he got nauseous. When he thought about having that conversation with his uncle, he had actually thought he was going to throw up.

 

So, he was still insane. That was okay, Ryo figured, how nuts could he be if he was aware he was nuts? Why was he so afraid of just admitting what he was, labeling it. He had admited he had liked men almost two years ago, when he first got together with Dee, it was that `g' word that was so scary. That and telling everyone else that he was that little three letter word.

 

Ryo felt his thoughts start to spiral and circle around themselves, and shook his head to try and clear it. That was the fastest way to send himself into panic mode. Panic mode was what had gotten him here in the first place. He dialed Dee again.

 

“You've reached Detective Laytner, I'm screening my calls, please leave a message—“

 

Well that was new, the last seven dozen times he had called it had been Dee's typical: `Detective Dee Laytner. Leave a message.'

 

“—unless you're Ryo, if you are, please press seven now.”

 

Ryo actually stopped walking in surprise, staring at his phone a moment, before hastily pressing seven. If Dee had something to say, why didn't he just call back?

 

“Ryo, if you don't stop calling me I'm going to have to shove that cute little new phone you have up your cute little ass. So if you call back, you may want to consider putting your phone on vibrate before I find you.” There was a long pause, and Ryo held his breath. “I've finally found my footing… please don't take that from me again Ryo.” Dee's voice was softer now as it played back from his voicemail. “Please, if you care about me… even the tiniest bit… please stop calling.”

 

Fuck.

 

Ryo swallowed hard, blinking away the hot pressure behind his eyes. He had done enough crying. Dee wanted to be left alone. How could he get Dee to understand, it was different now? That for once he didn't want anything from Dee?

 

Ryo was about to snap his phone closed when he heard the universal `beep' that meant it was time to leave a message. Shit! He had to say something, but he was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, people passing on all sides of him. How could he say what he needed to say?

 

“Okay Dee, alright… I've been calling to say I'm sorry, for what I did to you. I've been so… so very fucking stupid. I've thrown away one of the best things I've ever had in my life. I understand why you don't want to talk to me… I won't call you again. You… you know where to reach me.” Ryo waited a long moment, then hung up.

 

Dee wanted Ryo to let him go. It was only fair. Ryo knew that. He had done nothing but mess with Dee's head and heart, send him mixed messages, use him. Dee finally was strong enough to tell him to stop it. Ryo more than `cared the tiniest bit' for Dee. He loved him. Which meant he had to respect him.

 

The blond detective stood a moment longer, head down, jaw clenched, before he took a deep breath. Dee wanted to move on. Which mean Ryo needed to stop obsessing about him and get down to business. What that business was, he wasn't sure yet.

 

~*~*~*~

 

When Ryo returned him, the apartment was quiet. It was a long weekend, and Lee had taken Bikky with him and his brother to their cabin upstate. He really hated when the apartment was silent like this.

 

“I should get a damned cat if it bothers me so much,” Ryo growled to himself, forcing away the self-pity that threatened. He was done with that. No more.

 

Ryo kicked off his shoes, turning on the kitchen light before moving from the living room to his bedroom, turning on some music. He needed some kind of game plan, to deal with himself, to deal with Mary; he needed to just sort himself out. Focusing on getting a hold of Dee over the last couple weeks had been an excuse not to really tackle the true issue.

 

His trusty journal hadn't left his sock drawer since Dee had broken up with him. At first, it had been too painful to write about, and then he had started on what he was starting to think of as his `year of insanity'. It hadn't been exactly a year since he had lost his mind, but it was close.

 

Lying down on his stomach, turning on the bedside lamp, Ryo stared at the blank page, forcing himself to date it. Then… nothing. God, did he have to fight for every step of this… this… coming out? Apparently so.

 

`Just get writing, anything, just make your pen move on that paper, and eventually something besides nonsense will come out.' Ryo thought.

 

Pen met paper, and stayed there, leaving a blot of ink. Finally, slowly, it began to move. The only thing that Ryo could think of to write. His pen moved quickly over the page, not because of a wild inspiration, but because he was trying to keep up with the music that was playing.

 

 

And I wonder

If I'm just built this way

Because every man that I know

Makes me feel like I'm to blame

When its over

Me and my selfish ways

Go back to start again

Go back to start again

 

That's what I need to do. Go back to start again. I am to blame, and no one else. I've made choices, stupid choices. I don't think I could have done any differently, I really don't, I'm just not strong enough for this. It doesn't matter though, because I can't have it to do over. All I can do is press forward. I've lost Dee. I don't think he hates me; he isn't capable of that, no matter what he says. He says he's found his feet again finally. At least one of us has.

 

I'm gay.

 

I've always known that, no matter how very hard I've tried to deny it. The physical capability of having intercourse with a woman isn't the same as being straight. Besides, I'm not convinced that in my right mind I could actually manage intercourse with a woman. I've never been in my right mind with Mary in both the sense that I've lost my mind, and that I've always had the assistance of a couple glasses of wine. I still think of men when I jerk off (and pretty much always have). In retrospect, I don't understand how I could pretend otherwise, even for a while. My choice of fantasies generally involve either being face down on the mattress or having my heels in the air. Most straight guys don't think about sucking cock (if I can be so blunt). I suppose desperation does weird things to a person.

 

I'm still afraid of what I am. I still wish I wasn't. But I am, and there is no changing that, and no pretending otherwise, not really.

 

So now what? The only thing that made being gay worth anything was Dee. I have to give up my 2.5 kids and picket fence and etc. and even giving those up doesn't bring me any closer to love. I can't make this about Dee, now. That's for the better, really, that was the problem in the first place. I hid the truth about myself under the idea that I wasn't gay, just Deesexual. So, now, I have to be gay with out Dee, and figure out what that means.

 

Great.

 

I need to break things off with Mary. I can at least thank my lucky stars that I've come to myself before making an investment of gold and ice. I think I'll have to tell her too. `Things just aren't working out' won't fly. Of course `It's not you, its just that I'm queer' probably won't be much better. I need to tell my aunt too. I think I want to tell her first. Mary will probably call her mother up the moment I'm out the door, and then it will be gossip fodder. I want to tell Elena myself.

 

So I guess it's off to Upstate for a little chat. Damn, this week just gets better and better…

 

~*~*~*~

 

“Elena…” Ryo ventured, glancing at his aunt as she washed the dishes from lunch. He was drying. “I… I have to tell you something,” he sighed, boy was that melodramatic or what?

 

“What is it dear?” She stopped scrubbing the casserole dish and looked at him expectantly, a small smile on her lips, clearly not expecting bad news. In fact, she looked like she was making a guess at what he had to tell her that was so serious, something about her expression… `Crap… she thinks I'm going to tell her I am purposing to Mary.' Ryo bit his lip hard, almost chickening out.

 

“I'm breaking things off with Mary,” he sighed again, looking away from her, out the window at the expansive lawn, the dusting of snow undisturbed.

 

“What? Why?” Elena sounded shocked. Ryo didn't blame her. As far as she knew, things were going wonderfully between them.

 

“Well, that's what I came up this weekend to talk to you about,” Ryo said quietly, eyes flickering to her for just a moment, before looking outside again. He took a slow deep breath as Elena took his elbow in concern. He wouldn't be ashamed of this… he wouldn't…

 

Ryo forced himself to turn and face his aunt. They were almost eye to eye, Ryo just slightly taller, and he met her gaze. “Elena… I'm gay.”

 

Elena's jaw dropped, and she simply stared at him for a long moment. The silence in the kitchen seemed to grow and inflate until Ryo was sure his heart would just stop. He bit his lip again to keep from saying anything else, adding some kind of apology. The first step was admitting he had a problem, so to speak, the next was accepting responsibility. No apologies, in this case, there was no room for shame if he was going to be true to himself.

 

“I… I… I should have guessed,” Elena said finally, closing her eyes and bowing her head. “Your mother, before she died…”

 

“What?” Ryo frowned; they never spoke of his parents. It wasn't taboo; it was just that no one wanted to open old wounds. He was almost afraid of what his aunt was going to tell him.

 

“Your mother, she thought you might be… ah… gay. You just were never very interested in girls; you had a picture of the Scottish rugby team on the back of your door instead of a swimsuit model. You were, are, so fastidious about your appearance, so patience. When other boys were trying to knock each other's heads off just for fun, you were doing origami.” Elena lifted her head, and smiled at him slightly.

 

“To be fair, I was knocking people's heads off too…” Ryo replied, so shocked that his mouth just moved, something that rarely happened.

 

“In the dojo, not on the playground. After she died, well, I guess I forgot about it at first. Then you picked up with that girl in college and got so serious with her. I just… I thought maybe it had been just a phase…”

 

“It wasn't. More like being with girls was a phase,” Ryo shook his head slightly. His mother had known, or at least had guessed? “Was… was she angry?” His mother had very rarely gotten angry, but Ryo had always hated being on the wrong side of that anger when she did. His mother had been a very accepting woman, but Ryo was first generation American on his mother's side. Ryo's grandparents had been rather traditional.

 

“Angry? Oh no, no honey! She wasn't angry!” Elena's voice showed her distress at the idea. One hand cupped Ryo's cheek; the other smoothed back his hair in a motherly gesture. “She actually thought it was kind of funny. She said that she'd rather have you gay than to have inherited your father's fashion sense.”

 

“Are you angry?” Ryo's throat knotted, his voice was small despite his earlier resolve not to be apologetic. Talking about his mother was hard enough; under these circumstances it was nearly unbearable.

 

“No, I'm not, not at all Ryo. I'm just sorry I hadn't been more aware, if I had, maybe you wouldn't have taken until you were thirty-one to come out. That's just ridicules. I'll admit… I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea, but your happiness is far, far, more important then whether or not I'm comfortable.” Elena drew Ryo's head down and went up on her toes to make up the distance, kissing his forehead.

 

“Thank you, for being so understanding,” Ryo whispered, hugging her tight. “I was so afraid you wouldn't want me any more. If you and Frank rejected me… I couldn't have handled that.”

 

“Never, Ryo! Never.” Elena just hugged Ryo close for long moments. It had been surprising news, especially considering how things had been going with Mary, but Elena knew full well that Ryo was still her nephew, that this didn't change anything about him. Well, aside from who he'd be bringing for Christmas dinner.

 

After the intensity of the moment had passed some, they sat down at the kitchen table, and talked. Not about anything in particular, just talked. Elena realized how much they had grown apart since Ryo had started his job in the city. It wasn't distance; Ryo had never let miles keep him from his family before. He had just been so very reserved. Even for him. That reserve was gone now. He was the warm and open boy, now man, that she had known him to be. There was still something weighing on him. She could see that. He would tell her now, though, when he was ready.

 

 

 

 

Author's Note: Here's the next chapter for you all. Ryo's finally starting to come around, though now Dee's being stubborn. The song referenced in Ryo's journal, and the `title track', is “Built This Way” by Samantha Ronson. It's a great song, you should check it out. Check out my imix for Delicate here: http://deskofirish.blog.com/1562635/ I can't wait to hear what you all think of both the imix and the chapter! Keep checking back with both the story and the imix, as I'm sure there will be updates.