Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Frozen Heart ❯ Chapter 12

Frozen Heart 12 by sage_libra

***author's note: hey, sorry about the mix-up (G vs. J). I got mixed up and my beta missed it. anyway, thanks for the great reviews. hope that glitch hasn't put you off the rest of the story.***

"Isn't it enough that you're visually challenged?" The acid observation came as Duo took his seat at the table, his breakfast laid out before him. "Do you have to clog up your arteries as well?" That, Duo thought sourly, was probably in reference to the bacon, eggs and honeyed toast on his plate. Mrs. C was a firm believer in starting the day with a big breakfast and always prepared a veritable feast even when he left more than half of it sitting on the table.

"Shut up, Shin." He growled, reaching for his coffee mug. "Or at least hold off until I've gotten at least one round of coffee into my system. No fair taking advantage of a sleep-addled brain."

"Caffeine makes you jumpy and paranoid. It has no proven nutritional value. I should take it off the grocery list." Shin went on blithely.

Duo took a hearty sip and waited for the warmth to hit his bloodstream before responding.

"Do that," He said agreeably, "and I'll personally have your voice box taken out."

Shin made a totally decent snorting sound. "Right. Resort to violence, why don't you?" Reproach tinged the almost human voice. "I'm only doing my job."

"Which is?" Duo parried, settling back comfortably.

"Keeping you alive and functional for as long as I'm able." Shin came back smartly.

Duo rolled his eyes as he took another sip. Mrs. C had complained that Shin was obnoxious and downright rude, but Duo actually enjoyed the computer's company. Its sometimes-vicious `tongue' kept him on his toes and actually appealed to his twisted sense of humor. In fact, he felt more at ease around Shin than with real people. Shin, at least, had the ability to totally overlook his blindness.

"Being alive and functional is vastly overrated, sweetheart." He smirked.

Shin processed that for a moment. Being a computer, `being alive and functional' was its optimal state of being.

Duo was just about to congratulate himself for finally shutting the computer up when it spoke.

"What you need is a mate."

Duo almost choked on the mouthful of bacon he had just swallowed. Coughing and spluttering, it took him more than a moment to recover.

"Come again?" He got out after several minutes.

"A mate will keep you sexually satisfied, emotionally content and mentally stable." Duo could almost see the supercomputer nodding sagely. "Of course, I'll have to give him a once-over." It tagged on as an afterthought. "Qualifications: He'll have to be strong enough to stand up to your bullying, sensitive enough to read your erratic mood changes, and caring enough to stand by your handicap."

"Him?" Duo decided to go for the lesser evil, overlooked the less than generous characterization, and picked the gender selection. How did the computer arrive at the conclusion that he was gay? I've created a monster, Duo thought, torn between chagrin and amusement.

"Or her. Whatever." Shin amended readily. "You can go straight, by all means." It added generously.

Duo opened his mouth to rebut but was overridden by Shin notifying him briskly that someone was at the door.

"It's Derek." Duo was informed in an approving tone that as good as told the American that here was one potential `mate' Shin had vetted and found up to par.

"So glad you approve." He muttered in a low voice.

"Max?" Derek's pleasantly modulated voice lifted in inquiry.

Well, why not? Duo shook his head, pushing the thought firmly to the back of his mind. "In the kitchen, Derek!" Footsteps. He gestured to the empty seat beside him. "Join me?"

"No thanks, just had my daily dose." Derek told him. A pause. "Good to see your appetite improving."

"And how!" Shin chirped in silkily.

Duo shrugged. "What can I say?" He grinned. "I'm thriving under Shin's care." Why not let Derek believe the best? He didn't need to know that the real motivation behind his so-called `appetite' was the knowledge that every meal could be his last.

Heero had found him. And his former partner could have only one reason for searching him out.

Elimination. He took a moment to let the hurt pass, then pasted on a smile.

"Were you on your way to the office?" He queried lightly.

"Actually, I was going to invite you to take a walk with me." Derek said. "There's a slight nip in the air, but the sun's shining and a short walk should be good for you."

A walk. Duo hesitated. His handicap had made him very wary of venturing outside the controlled environment of his home.

"Go, go." Shin urged enthusiastically. "You need the exercise after all that gorging."

Yup, he'd created a monster, alright.

Outnumbered two to one, he conceded. He almost winced at the eagerness with which Shin shooed them out of the door. You'd think it was the mother of an ageing spinster with one last chance at marriage, he thought darkly.

The first few minutes out on the path were quiet as Duo tried to get his bearings. With practice, he had become quite adept at using the walking stick, but he had yet to get over his instinctive dislike for its necessity.

Several people called out to Derek in greeting as they passed and Duo retreated behind a mask of polite silence reflexively. He could feel their curious eyes on him. He could hear it in their voices as Derek made the introductions. A blind cousin come to live near them. For someone whose life and safety had depended too long on his ability to either blend in or take control, the helplessness of his situation and the enforced passivity were both grating and unnerving. But he bore up under it. He much preferred curiosity to the pity that almost always followed.

"Such a pretty young man," He had overheard the whisper once. "Such a waste…" He wondered why people seemed to assume that just because he was blind, he had to be deaf as well. It was another reason he avoided going out.

Noticing his discomfort, Derek quickly guided him to one of the lesser-used paths.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Duo asked finally once he felt confident enough to divide his attention between the footpath and conversation. He could feel the reassuring warmth of Derek's presence beside him and caught a whiff of the other's fresh, clean scent-so different from the metallic scent the gundam pilots frequently wore. It was odd, but he felt comfortable around Derek in a way that reminded him strongly of his camaraderie with Quatre.

Derek made him feel safe.

Heero had never let him feel that, he realized suddenly. Not on a personal level. Oh, he'd known that Heero would come through on a mission. That was, after all, what the other boy lived for. But even when he knew Heero would watch his back, he had always known on a subconscious level that his feelings and emotions were at risk where Heero was concerned.

Because as much as Heero valued Duo the Deathscythe pilot, he cared nothing for Duo Maxwell, the person, he acknowledged with just a tinge of bitterness.

Derek, on the other hand, always seemed to know exactly how he felt and what he needed even before he himself had acknowledged it. Derek was gentle and quietly supportive. He had never asked about Duo's past; was perfectly content to take him at face value. Derek gave him the space he needed to regain his balance while at the same time letting him know that he was around if he should ever be needed.

**Damn you, Shin, for putting ideas into my head.** He almost groaned out loud. He didn't need this right now. Not when he had just decided to get off the emotional rollercoaster with Heeero.

"It's about Jason."

Duo wrested his mind back to the matter at hand, reddening slightly. Here he was one step away from enumerating the man's admirable traits when the same man's brother was obviously infatuated with him. God, he was a jerk. He didn't even know if Derek shared his gender preference. Derek could be straight for all he knew! "Is there a problem?" He asked, concerned.

Derek glanced down at the worried frown marring the gamine features and his features softened. Max really was a beautiful boy, he thought. His hair, freed from the confining braid, curled charmingly around his head, giving him an almost boyishly innocent aura. His fingers itched to touch the chestnut curls, but he contented himself with squeezing the younger boy's shoulder.

"That depends." He replied abstractly, directing Duo to a bench. "Has Jason mentioned that he still has a few years of schooling left?"

Duo nodded, recalling a past conversation about school and Jason commenting tentatively about the coming school year.

"Well, he's due back at boarding school in a few days." Derek paused. "The thing is- last night he came to me and said he was going to drop this year."

Duo frowned. He wasn't a believer in schooling as the best path to education, but he recalled that Jason had sounded like he enjoyed it. In fact, he distinctly remembered the younger boy saying proudly that he was one of the top students of his class.

"Did he say why?"

"He says he doesn't want to leave you."

Duo's jaw dropped open and he blinked, flabbergasted.

"What?" He knew the younger boy had a crush on him, but to give up schooling? He could feel his cheeks heat up in embarrassment.

"He seems very anxious about you." Derek went on.

"Oh man." Duo groaned. "Derek, I swear, I didn't ask him to leave school to become my full-time nanny."

Derek burst out laughing.

"I know you didn't." He assured the ex-pilot in an amused tone. Unbidden, his hand came up to ruffle Duo's hair. "Baka."

Duo's heart clenched, caught unawares. Damn, he whispered inwardly, would that word never stop haunting him?

As though sensing the change in his mood, Derek went on more quietly. "Jason feels responsible for you, Max. It was because of him that your optic nerves were damaged. Also, he likes you a lot. You're different from anyone he's met before. Unique. Attractive." He weighed his words carefully. "He thinks he's falling in love with you, and he won't leave until he's seen this through."

"Derek-"

"Max-" Derek forged ahead. "Don't get me wrong. I'd be the last person to interfere in my brother's relationships. I just don't want him to get involved for the wrong reasons."

"Oh."

"Do you like Jason, Max?"

Duo could feel Derek's eyes on him and he chose his words carefully.

"I-" Duo bit his lip. "I like Jason a lot, Derek. But I'm not in love with him." How can I when I'm still trying to get over someone he resembles?

"I see." Derek paused. "Any chance of that like growing into something more in the future?"

Duo hesitated, then shook his head. As much as he liked Jason's company, there was no attraction between them. Besides, he honestly doubted he could let himself care for anyone again the way he had cared for Solo or Heero. At least, not anytime soon.

It just hurt too much.

"Is it Q? Jason told me Q and his friends have been hanging around. He says they may be trying to convince you to go back with them." He explained at Duo's thunderstruck expression. "Are they trouble?"

Duo stilled as the pieces fell into place- how Heero had found him, Jason's `friend' at the bar. He sighed and shook his head, suddenly tired of the pretence. In fact, he was tired of the entire mess.

"Q and the others- they're my friends." He told the older man softly. "Q was like a brother to me. They were my family."

Derek waited patiently.

"I was stupid enough to fall in love with one of my friends." Duo shrugged. "Was even more stupid to tell him so. He didn't feel the same way. I left."

"I see." Derek's tone was kind. "Have you considered that maybe you misunderstood your `friend'? He may have feelings for you and just realized it when you left. That may be why they're trying to find you."

Heero have feelings for him? The thought had Duo's mouth twisting. Yeah, right. And punching him was Heero's way of saying `love you too'. Duo shook his head. "I gave up on that fantasy some time ago."

Derek winced at the bitterness in his voice.

After a moment of silence, he tried another tack.

"Has Jason told you about how our parents died?" At Duo's negative shake, he went on slowly. "They had a car accident and died immediately. I was in college. Jason was eight years old. I crawled my way through my studies, built a career, took care of Jason. For five years that was all I cared about." He paused, bracing himself. "I had a friend then. Someone who made me laugh no matter how bad things were. I guess I knew even then that he loved me, but I didn't have the time or the energy to reciprocate. I thought I had time enough later. Always later."

He fell silent.

"What happened to him?" Duo asked softly, his heart beating just a little bit faster. He refused to wonder about that.

Derek took a deep breath. "He got fed up waiting for `later' to become `now'." He said simply. "So he left. He died during one of the terrorist attacks some months ago. He was a military base engineer."

"Oh God." Duo breathed, shaken.

"The thing is-" Derek went on, unable to mask the pain in his voice. "He never told me about his feelings. I only found out because of a journal he'd left behind. He thought I didn't care. The irony of it is that I did. I just didn't realize how much until he'd gone. I never got to tell him that I loved him too."

"Derek-"

"For a long time afterwards I alternated between grief and anger. I grieved for what we could have had, and I was angry that he hadn't drummed up the courage to tell me how he felt. Maybe if I'd been a little more sensitive…or maybe if he had been a little bit bolder…I guess now we'll never know what could have been."

Was I the one who killed him?

Duo fought the urge to ask which base he'd been assigned to. When he had died. However, he pushed the questions back. It didn't matter who had attacked the base. They were a team. They all had a hand in his death.

"I'm sorry." God, Derek, I'm so sorry.

He felt Derek shrug. "My point is- if you really love this guy, don't give up on him so easily. Fight for it."

"It's too late." Duo said, his hand going up to touch his eyes.

"Wrong answer." Derek told him in an attempt at lightheartedness. "You're still alive. He's still alive. How can it be too late?" He reached over to tap the side of Duo's head. "Think about it. Don't let what you can't see blind you to what you really feel."

Duo bit his lip. It's not that simple, Derek, he wanted to say. I wish it was.

**I wish it was.**

He took a deep breath and changed the topic. "About Jason- do you want me to talk to him?" A thought struck him. "Or do you want me to leave?"

Derek shook his head vehemently, then realizing that Duo can't see the action, said. "I'd appreciate it if you could put him out of his misery, it will hurt his pride, I suspect, but he'll get over it. As for leaving, don't be ridiculous, this is your home now. Stay for as long as you like." His mouth quirked slightly. "Besides, you own your unit, remember?"

"Derek-" Duo hesitated. "Man, I- thanks. You've been great- about everything. Hell, you don't know anything about me, but you've taken me in…" His voice faltered. "…I owe you. A lot." More than you'll ever know. More than I can ever repay.

Derek tilted his head, trying to read the younger boy's tone. It had been fraught with complex emotions. Gratitude. Humility. Guilt? Over what?

Finally, he contented himself with squeezing Duo's arm. "You don't owe me anything, Max. You'd never met Jason before, but you almost died protecting him. I'm the one who owes you."

Shame kept Duo silent.

**You're wrong, Derek. I helped Jason because at first glance he reminded me of Heero. There was nothing noble about it. Nothing noble about me. I'm just a selfish, washed-up, blind ex-pilot.**

He forced a smile. "Okay, let's just say I helped Jason out then and you're helping me out now. Let's call it even, alright?" He stuck a hand out.

Derek took the proffered hand and shook it firmly. "Even." He blinked slightly at the warmth and softness of Duo's hand, his grip tightening slightly before he recalled himself and released Duo.

Flustered, he glanced at his watch. "Look, I have to go on to the clinic. Walk you back up?"

Duo shook his head as he slipped his tingling hand into his pocket. His cheeks felt warm and he barely stopped himself from shifting uneasily. Derek's little touches were starting to affect him. He knew they were meant to comfort, but he couldn't deny the growing physical attraction he felt for the older man. "No, I'll be fine. I think I'll soak up a little more of the sun." He needed time alone to think.

Derek frowned.

"I'll be fine." Duo insisted.

"Alright." Derek acquiesced reluctantly. "I'll give you a call later."

"Okay." Duo agreed. "And Derek, don't worry about Jason. He isn't going to drop school on my account." A note of steel entered his tone.

"I trust you." Derek smiled, his eyes softening. His steps were light as he walked away.

"You shouldn't." Duo whispered out of his hearing, his features darkening as he gazed out into the darkness.

He could feel the warmth of the sun, and nearby, birds were twittering in mindless chatter. Funny, he had always associated the darkness with silence and cold. Then again, his mouth thinned slightly, he was the only one in the dark.

`I trust you'

The words seemed to echo in his ears, as did the warmth with which the words were uttered. Derek. He bit his lip as he thought of the older man. He couldn't deny that there was something between them. Something that-given time- could lead to something more. Something deeper. He refused to put a name to that `something', because he knew he couldn't let that something happen.

There were too many secrets between them. His secrets. His past. He thought of that other guy- the one Derek had lost- and he closed his eyes. How would Derek react if he ever found out that Duo was one of those terrorists who had blown up the military base that killed his lover? How would he handle the truth that being Duo's friend put them all in danger? No, for his own sake Derek must never know the truth about Max.

And without the truth what hope did they have of having anything beyond this farce of a friendship? Did he even dare expose Derek and Jason to the potential risks of associating with him? His fingers clenched. But what choice did he have? Leave? Where could he go? Where could he be safe?

"Dammit!" He burst out in a harsh whisper. He was sick of the endless circle of deception and helplessness.

The crunch of leaves underfoot alerted him to another presence and he stiffened reflexively.

"Maxwell."

There was a finality in that one word that made Duo's hair stand on end. His head swiveled to `meet' that presence.

"Wufei."

Wufei's breath caught at the blankness in that stare. He had rarely heard his real name on the braided pilot's lips. Ironic to hear it now, when death hovered over them on dark wings. His eyes ran over the other boy, awed by the latter's utter stillness and sense of control. This wasn't the Duo Maxwell he had known. Deathscythe's pilot had always been an irresistible force in perpetual motion- rocking on his heels, gesturing with his hands, talking with his mouth and body.

He was surprised by the loss that shot through him.

"One chance, Maxwell." His voice was filled with icy determination. "Are you truly decided on turning away from your sworn duty?"

Duo's mouth quirked in a humorless smile. "Come to be my executioner, Wufei?" He asked evenly. He raised both hands. "Go ahead."

Wufei raised his katana, its point fixed unerringly on Duo's chest. "I don't wish to do this." His fingers tightened around the sword.

Duo tilted his head. "But you will because its what your duty commands." He said matter-of-factly. "It's okay, Wufei. I understand." His voice fell to a whisper. "We all have things we need to do, regardless of how we feel about it."

Wufei nodded tightly, ignoring the stinging in his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse.

"Forgive me, Duo."

end Chapter 12