InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The King's Mistress ❯ A Bargain Sealed ( Chapter 26 )

Title: The King's Mistress

 

Author: dolphingirl0113

 

Chapter Twenty-Five: A Bargain Sealed

 

Rating: PG-13 (for language and, at times, implied sexual situations)

 

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, nor do I take credit for several of the historical ideas, facts, and realities I have taken and used.

 

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It's strange how recalling such an event can still have such an effect on me. One would think that, as time goes by, it would grow easier to think about that day, to describe it and turn it over in my mind. Yet it is not so.

 

I am grateful that my newborn son, along with the typical matters of state, have been keeping me so occupied, for after writing about the wedding I was unable to eat for nearly two days and my sleep was disturbed by dreams of Kikyou, my beloved sister who brings such joy and such pain to mind whenever I envision her flawless beauty, or hear her velvety voice in my mind telling me that everything will be alright.

 

How wrong she was.

 

I still have that crown she gave me; it is what I wore on my own wedding day, though I have not worn it since, for the pain is too great.

 

Forgive me, sister…I never was as strong as you. I never could simply put something to the back of my mind and force myself to forget so that I could go on living, though I did try…many times...

 

But I forget myself.

 

It was indeed a wedding unlike anything the country had ever seen before, and is still talked of today, though no longer in such a positive light. Everything occurred as it should have, with people sighing or laughing or crying or joyfully calling out well-wishes at exactly the right moments, the nobility dressed in their finest, the royalty looking God-like.

 

Perfect…just like any bride would wish it to be…

 

Yet the bride was unhappy. I could tell that something troubled her, even as she put on a brave face throughout the banquet at dinner, graciously accepting the gifts offered from various noble families, along with Bankotsu, Kagura, and Sesshoumaru (Kouga would present his gift when we reached the North, as would I…it was meant to symbolize the union that would soon be forged between us). Beneath her calm exterior was something I could not quite place, though it was a shadow similar to regret, and I wondered if Kikyou was imagining her own true love, Onigumo, and how her life could have been so different had she simply decided to follow her heart, just as I found myself wondering the same thing as I was forced to watch the love of my life give himself to another for the rest of his life.

 

It would seem logical that I would have learned from those shadows on her face; that I would have recognized her own reluctance as mirroring my own, and rather than simply give up the man I loved I would have fought for him with all of my heart…but I did not. I thought, at the time, that it was the right thing to do, and unfortunately once I set myself down a path I rarely waver. It is one flaw in my personality that I cannot stand…not any more…not after all of the pain and loss it caused…

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

The North was beautiful; the most wondrous place Kagome had ever seen. Tall, snow-capped mountains seemed to rise up everywhere, framing rolling meadows of deep green dotted in the pastel floral colors of early autumn, populated by humble villages every few dozen miles. It was not nearly as occupied as some of the other areas of the country, and Kagome found that she liked the solitude presented to her, along with the crisp air and the clear, deep blue streams that seemed to flow everywhere, sparkling as they reflected the light of the sun, which shone down brilliantly from the August sky.

 

She could suddenly understand why Kouga adored his homeland so much, and why he felt so homesick whenever he was away. Even she, who was a newcomer, could already feel the pull of such a beautiful land that felt like it was ancient and rich in customs and tradition, as though there was a whispered voice just waiting around every corner to tell travelers of a story or a secret from a long-forgotten era.

 

And why shouldn't it feel that way? She mused. After all, their country had started in the North and slowly had grown to what it now was. Kagome found it ironic then that the birthplace of the country should now have the smallest number of people, and be regarded as it was: barbaric and out of date with the progress of the etiquette and customs of society.

 

Mankind was indeed fickle, she decided, always insisting on biting the hand that fed it.

 

They had been riding for several days, as usual presenting an impressive train of nobility atop magnificent steeds followed by carts and carriages filled with rich clothing and jewels, the usual number of people stopping their day's work for just a few hours so they could line the roads and watch their King and his court pass them by, the men nodding their heads, the women curtseying, and the children blowing silly little kisses.

 

But now their procession was different.

 

Now…they had a Queen.

 

And what a Queen she was.

 

Kagome no longer felt like she was the superior sister, riding beside Inuyasha as his Summer Maiden. Frankly, that title seemed rather childish and insignificant when compared to the mighty crown atop Kikyou's head, which she purposefully wore everywhere she went, the rubies and diamonds sparkling in the sun. Riding beside her new husband with her back straight and her head held high, she looked every inch the monarch she now was, sending a message to all who had spoken out against her, silently warning that such treatment would no longer be tolerated, while also nodding and smiling kindly at those she passed along the road, giving just enough calculated attention to leave behind her whispers of how beautiful and gracious their new Queen was.

 

The message was understood perfectly, for no one even dared go near their new Queen, save to ask for favors, and all rumors circling Kikyou and Naraku vaporized into the air like steam from a boiling pot of water, as though they had never existed, making all the torment Kagome had been forced through the past few months seem far away…and yet such pain and torture had never been closer to her heart.

 

Her heart still felt like it was being squeezed tightly, and her gut remained in tight, complex knots, making her feel queasy, her soul dampened with sorrow and her eyes clouded over with grief.

 

But this time there was a new culprit…one who had much easier access to Kagome's feelings, and who she could not ignore, no matter how hard she tried by distracting herself with the thought of finishing her duties to the court. No…this time the one twisting her heart and stabbing her soul was none other than the hanyou who was more precious to her than anything or anyone else in the entire world.

 

Unable to bear being beside the man she loved, who now seemed far away, separated from her by an invisible barrier, Kagome had taken to riding in between Sango and her brother Souta, who both seemed to understand her situation and were sympathetic in their looks and gestures of kindness, with Sango always offering up kind words and endearments to her friend while Souta glared at anyone who passed, warning them against doing anything that would make his beloved older sister unhappy. He'd grown up so much, she noticed as she looked at his profile, which was sharpening and becoming more defined, like a man's profile should be.

 

When had he grown up? When had she lost her dear little brother and gained a fierce knight and protector instead?

 

She sighed. His growing up was just another thing she had missed while in the process of giving up her own life and happiness all for the sake of the crown Kikyou now wore on her head.

 

Yet again, Kagome found herself asking whether or not it had all been worth it as she glanced with barely masked longing at Inuyasha's back, his silver hair blowing in the wind, knowing that his beautiful amber eyes were no doubt surveying the terrain about him with sharp interest, noting anything and everything they passed and putting it away in his mind for possible future necessity.

 

Shaking her head, she forced her attention once more back to the conversation going on between her friends, taking comfort in their presence, which formed something of a protective barricade around her. It wasn't much, but it was at least enough to keep her from falling completely into despair, and so Kagome found herself clinging to such a simple source of preservation as though it were the only remaining thread connecting her to the world she had come to know and love so much.

 

Thinking about the fact that soon she would have to give up such a life inevitably caused Kagome to think of her betrothed, who was sometimes nearby as well, smiling and growing more excited as he explained everything from childhood memories of running across the hills and climbing the mountains to the history of his home in vivid detail. But most of the time, such as then, he was required at the head of the procession of nobility in order to provide directions and guidance, and, strangely, Kagome found herself to be very relieved that he was not at her side, for whenever he was near his cheerful personality and beaming blue eyes did nothing more than serve to remind her of the difference between himself and Inuyasha.

 

Inuyasha…

 

Her love…her life…

 

Miroku was usually around as well, teasing Shippou playfully as the little kitsune rode proudly on his magnificent little gray pony, cracking jokes and flirting with Sango in a way that always brought a fierce blush to her cheeks, along with an occasional slip of the tongue or, more often than not, a slap to the face or a sharp reprimand.

 

Currently the lord was having a difficult time understanding the concept of the word no, for while Sango had apparently rejected his playful proposals of marriage at least five times since the morning Miroku didn't seem in the least bit deterred, and Kagome was beginning to wonder if he was actually serious.

 

She giggled at the thought, the first noise she had made all day, before going silent once more; content to simply listen to all that was going on around her. She just didn't have the heart to contribute to conversation any more.

 

Ever since the wedding a little over a week ago, Kagome had felt as though the flame of joy had gone out on her life, and that she had no reason to be happy any more. The man she loved was now bound to another woman, and, considering the grand show they had put on before retiring for the evening on their wedding night, Kagome knew she was no longer Inuyasha's one and only lover.

 

The familiar amount of bile rose in the back of her throat at the thought, and she shuddered, trying to push such thoughts to the back of her mind. It would do no good, after all, to dwell on such things, or to make herself hope as she had a habit of doing whenever she recalled the fact that Inuyasha had not appeared the next morning with the customary bounce in his step or voiced the usual shameless jokes when in the company of the men of his court.

 

That couldn't mean anything, Kagome constantly reminded herself. After all, Inuyasha was not one to be boisterous about much of anything…and she couldn't tell anything from Kikyou's constantly stoic expression either.

 

Still, she couldn't quite smother that small inkling of hope that perhaps…

 

No!

 

Shaking her head, Kagome fiercely forced the thought from her mind even as her eyes betrayed her again and drifted over to where Inuyasha proudly sat his horse, his body swaying stiffly with the movements of the stallion, looking very uninterested in the conversation Kikyou was apparently having with Kouga, the two sitting on either side of him, with the wolf now in the place where Kagome had always sat before.

 

Kagome was grateful she could not see his face, or he hers. Any more, she couldn't bear to look at him directly, for those amber eyes always proved to be her undoing. God in heaven, just thinking about them was enough to moisten the corners of her eyes!

 

“Kagome? Is something wrong?”

 

Blinking, Kagome had to resist the urge to reach up a hand and wipe away the tears, for then it would be obvious that she had been starting to cry…again…and so, instead, she simply looked to her left to find her mother with her customary smile in place, though her eyes surveyed her daughter sharply, looking for any hidden messages or signals, her maternal instincts ever alert and wary.

 

Kagome just sighed. “Nothing's wrong, mama…” She looked away. “I'm just very tired.”

 

The Marquess nodded, her eyes taking on a haze of knowing as she looked forward, directly at Inuyasha, as though she had been reading her daughter's thoughts exactly. “So you said yesterday and the day before that too…”

 

Blushing, Kagome realized that such a worn and used excuse could not last forever, and yet all she could do in response was look away, unable to form any sort of reply beyond “I don't sleep well.” After all, it was partially true. Kagome had never been so exhausted in all her life.

 

She'd hoped that after the grand show of seeing the boisterous King Henry and his court off as they headed back to the ports and to their grand ship to sail back to England she would have finally found some peace, but it was not to be. There were still things to plan since, after all, she was still the Summer Maiden…a fact that seemed more like a daily slap in the face than an honor. But seating charts still had to be made, masques and other evening entertainment had to be planned, and quarters for the night had to be arranged in advance so that everyone would be guaranteed a roof over his or her head.

 

Yet all of that was not what woke her in the middle of the night, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes. The stress of being the Summer Maiden was not the reason for Yuka deciding to sleep on a mattress at the foot of Kagome's bed so she could be there for her mistress whenever she started crying out in her sleep, either from inner pain or from a horrid nightmare.

 

Her dreams brought nothing but pain. Either Kagome's mind forced her to relive the wedding, or imagine what had happened after the wedding behind the double doors of Inuyasha's great chamber, which she herself had occupied the morning of her sister's wedding. Her heart would weep, crying out for the man she loved and knowing at the same time that he would never, and could never be hers now.

 

And then there were the nightmares, with Naraku's smirk and mirthful gaze daring her to try and figure out what was running through his mind. Sometimes she would even see Kikyou, dressed in black, with the blindfold over her eyes as she stepped up to the scaffold with a pale face as someone roughly forced her down on her knees and commanded her to lay her head over the harsh wood, her beautiful raven hair pulled back into a tight bun so it would leave her neck clearly exposed for the axe.

 

Shuddering, Kagome pushed such thoughts from her mind, banishing her fears to the back of her conscience to fight another day as she instead refocused her attention on her mother, wondering if she had seen everything that had passed over her daughter's face in the last few seconds.

 

But the Marquess simply nodded, though Kagome suspected that, as usual, her mother had seen more than she would ever let on verbally. “I see. I am sorry for that, dearest. But perhaps now, in such a beautiful country, your mind will finally find some peace and allow you to rest.”

 

“I…” Kagome bit her lip, knowing she had been about to say that she would find no peace in a place that would do nothing beyond reminding her of what she would not have, but instead she chose to keep that little comment to herself. She was certain her mother knew, somehow, about her feelings for Inuyasha, but that didn't mean she had to place a banner around her neck and confirm everything herself.

 

“I hope so…” she finally finished lamely.

 

“It is beautiful though, isn't it?” The Marquess tilted her elegant neck so she could crane her head about to gaze upon the many mountains surrounding them. Every color was sharp; the white of the snow, the green of the grass or the trees, the blue of the sky…unlike the East, which seemed clouded in a haze of mystery and elegance, or the West, which was a soft contrast of brown and green rolling plains, the North was a clearly defined place of color.

 

“Yes,” Kagome finally responded, forced to admit that while this would, in a way, serve as her prison, keeping her away from her home and the people she loved, it was still beautiful. “Perhaps I shall like it more than I initially thought.”

 

That caused her mother to beam in pleasure as she turned once more to face her daughter. “You are truly my child of light, for you never fail to find the good in anything or anyone, no matter how dark.”

 

“Hn,” Kagome grunted, picturing Naraku's smirk in her mind, and almost voiced aloud the fact that there was one person she had not found any good in; a person who was currently riding his horse three rows back from her (for she was always aware of his presence). But that was water under the bridge any more. Kikyou was married and safe on her throne…or so they all thought.

 

After all, what could he possibly do to a Queen?

 

True, when Kikyou had been naught but a courtier, she was still vulnerable, but now she had the clout of royalty and the mantel of a Queen about her shoulders. She had basically become, in the eyes of the law, invincible to court slander.

 

Yet Kagome couldn't completely put out the flames of her endless fear. One flame continued to burn, instilling in her a sense of foreboding that something she had not thought of was still waiting around the corner. After all, while Kikyou may now be invincible to slander, she was more susceptible than anyone to the accusation of committing treason against the crown.

 

And what she had done with Naraku, even though it had only happened once, and had openly been declared a mistake by her, was clearly treason by the Queen against her King.

 

The vision of the axe appeared again, the blade sharpened dangerously so that it could make a perfect, clean cut. In her dreams any more it was always falling…falling towards something…or someone…

 

No! No! No!

 

Kagome refused to believe that her sister would meet such an end. It wasn't possible after everything they had both been through. After all the worry and the fear and the grief…surely God would not be that cruel…?

 

“In the name of all that's holy, Miroku, why won't you just accept that no means no?” Sango's voice, lined with embarrassed frustration and fury, broke into her thoughts, and Kagome gratefully grabbed for the welcome distraction.

 

The black-haired man just shrugged and smiled his innocent smile, which hid his far from innocent mind. “For the same reason that you refuse to accept that you know I am right.”

 

“About what?”

 

“That we are meant for each other. That I would be the perfect husband for you, and that you are meant to be nobody's wife except my own.”

 

Sango blushed at the fiery, heart-driven declaration which, coming from Miroku sounded more like a statement of truth than simply the musings of a naïve young love-struck courtier, and Kagome could tell by the fire blazing in the eyes of her childhood friend that Sango was desperately fighting the urge to give in and be taken prisoner by such a possessive proposal.

 

She grinned and finally decided to add her own opinion to the mix. “You know, Sango, I think Miroku's serious.”

 

For an instant it looked as though the beautiful, fiery young woman was actually going to be swayed, but then, just as quickly, her barriers went up once more and she huffed, raising her chin arrogantly in the air. “I can't believe you're falling for such a trick, Kagome; you're smarter than that! Don't you see that all he wants is what he wants from every woman?” She eyed Miroku out of the corner of her eye. “I don't think he's ever been sincere in his feelings for a woman in his entire life.”

 

At that Kagome actually thought she saw Miroku blanch slightly, his confidence wavering as his cheeks paled, the cheerful smile on his face flattening into a grimace. Sango saw it as well and instantly looked as though she regretted what she had said, but before she could apologize, Miroku came back with a biting retort of his own.

 

“Well perhaps the Lady Sango would not be so quick to throw daggers if she were told that she lived such a stifled, protected life that a friend merely wanted to draw her out of her shell and see her actually live for once. But then again, I suppose I was only joking in saying that we were meant for one another, since as you stated I cannot be sincere with a woman.” He shot her an uncharacteristically cold look, and both women looked away, though Shippou and Souta merely watched in fascination at the scene playing out before them. “After all, I doubt I could be happy for very long in the presence of such an ice queen who refuses to show any sort of emotion for fear of letting anyone in.”

 

As though someone had cracked a whip at her back, Sango snapped to attention, a fire of fury in her eyes as any trace of guilt vaporized, and Kagome understood what her friend was so angry about.

 

Sango had lost her parents at a very young age to the same illness that had made an invalid of her brother, preventing him from ever being able to leave the safety of his home for fear of falling ill again in the stress of travel. She had been forced to become both mother and protector of him when she was only twelve years old, and after such a loss, it was no wonder that Sango had closed off her heart so much. She didn't want to lose anyone that she loved ever again.

 

To love is to lose and feel pain, she had once said about two months after her parent's funeral when she had officially rejected the advances of a young man who had been courting her for several months prior. And that was when her rigid barriers had gone up, and she'd never taken them down since. Outwardly she was still warm and kind, but if one cared to look closely they would see that Sango had no close friends outside of Kagome, and frankly the only reason she hadn't shut Kagome out was because they had been friends for so long already that Sango didn't have the will or the strength.

 

Yet, even with all of that in mind, Kagome couldn't help but feel that her friend had deserved at least some of the sting from Miroku's flat insult. After all, she had purposefully wounded him as well with her words.

 

And so her peaceful, joyous little bubble was shattered as the two refused to look at one another, and Kagome knew that it was going to be a long afternoon, for neither would apologize any time soon. They were almost as stubborn as she and Inuyasha, and for once, even as she thought of the man she loved, Kagome couldn't resist giggling at the thought.

 

Perhaps this little romance between her dear friends would give her something to do for the next few days…before she was left alone for good in a strange land.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Kouga's castle was by far the simplest of all five Kagome had seen. It was built out of stone, was only two stories high, and rested on at least three acres of land, surrounded by gardens and trees, and finally a protective stone barrier to keep unwanted invaders out. According to Kouga, the gardens and flowers had all been planted a mere fifty years ago, after the late King had deemed it time to remove the moat that had been in place for so long, ever since the castle was first built centuries ago, and Kagome could see evidence of that by the large draw-bridge that now lay on the ground from the front of the wall all the way to the castle doors, permanently lowered in welcome, though a new stone gate had been erected so that invaders could be kept out should war ever come again.

 

The moat had clearly been rather large and deep, for surrounding the bridge was a massive drop off, with the grass dipping and rising in an obvious depression, though as one moved around back the ground became more even, eventually flattening out completely so that the new gardens and trees could have a chance to grow, surrounded by quaint little gravel paths meant for strolling at any hour of the day or night.

 

According to Kouga, his father had decided to fill in the back side of the moat when the water was removed, a task that had apparently taken several months, after which grass had been planted, and then, a few years later when everything had settled, the gardens themselves were planted.

 

From her vantage point in Kouga's large study that was made of stone and river rock, the ground covered in soft animal hides, the great stone fireplace glowing with orange and yellow flames, Kagome could see the gardens, the tops of the trees still beneath her, though everyone knew they would continue to grow and soon be as tall as the castle itself.

 

But unfortunately, where she normally would have found joy in the many colors of roses and carnations, or savored the sweet smells of the apple and pear trees, Kagome could find no joy as she waited for what she knew was to come.

 

Everything felt so surreal…like it was all some kind of dream. And yet no matter how many times Kagome closed her eyes, shook her head, or begged God to intervene on her behalf, she would always be greeted with the same sight. The sight of the priest holding the betrothal papers rolled up in his right hand, tapping them gently against his opposite wrist as he waited for all present in the room to get settled and prepare for what was to come.

 

To Kouga, those papers seemed like the greatest gift he could ever receive as he continued to dart his eyes excitedly between them and Kagome, smiling at her brilliantly, his sky blue eyes sparkling with happiness. And he had every right to be so happy. In but a few moments he would be guaranteed the woman he loved, signed and sealed by himself, his soon-to-be bride, and the High King and his Queen, who would serve as witnesses.

 

Everything, in Kouga's oblivious world, was falling into place at last.

 

But for Kagome, that roll of papers may as well have been chains that were about to be locked around her wrists, neck, and ankles, pulling her away from Inuyasha and binding her instead to another man who would hold all the keys.

 

She didn't dare sit down like everyone else, instead choosing to remain standing as she moved to Kouga's side (always following proper etiquette), not trusting her legs, weak and wobbly as they were, to allow her to stand up again when it was time for…for…

 

No. She wouldn't think of it just yet. One last time, Kagome Higurashi would push the inevitable to the back of her mind and allow herself one final moment of ignorant bliss.

 

Glancing over her shoulder at the closed door, she silently berated herself yet again for not demanding that Sango be at her side for this. If ever there was a time when she needed her friend, this was it…

 

“Is everyone present?” The priest finally asked as everyone became still, the silence in the room filled with tense anticipation.

 

Unable to look up, instead focusing on her hands, which she was successfully wringing into knots, Kagome merely nodded while the other three in the room answered for her, though she fancied that Inuyasha's reply in the affirmative was slightly softer and less enthusiastic than the other two people in the room.

 

Such a thought brought a small amount of comfort to her breast, thinking that perhaps he was feeling some small amount of the same sadness as she, and without realizing what she was doing Kagome found her eyes lifting slightly to drift over in his direction, finding him sitting stiffly in a wooden chair.

 

Her eyes softened as she surveyed his handsome profile, currently facing away from her and towards the priest, though his eyes seemed to see something else entirely, the lines on his face hard, his jaw taught, and she could tell he was no doubt clenching his back teeth together very tightly, as though to prevent some unsaid declaration from escaping his lips. His hair, always beautiful, fell out behind him and over the wooden chair, his ears ever alert for the sounds of danger, constantly flickering in different directions as they detected the sounds of the maids on the floor below, or the wind rustling the leaves of the trees outside.

 

Without thinking, Kagome felt her face relax, the tense frown softening into a gentle smile as she gazed upon the man she loved, savoring every inch of his still and rigid frame, from his booted feet to his slim waist, noting the way his clawed hands sat perched on the edges of his knees, her eyes tracing the way his red shirt followed the contours of his chest up to his broad shoulders.

 

The slightest sigh escaped her lips, so subtle and soft that Kagome assumed no one heard, until she suddenly found herself gazing directly into Inuyasha's amber eyes, her cheeks growing warm under his intense stare, her heart filled with longing as she had to force her feet to remain rooted where they were at Kouga's side, who was gratefully conversing with the priest and not seeming to notice anything going on around him.

 

An eternity stretched between them then in just a few short seconds, the ticking of the nearby clock seeming to slow with every breath, until it felt to Inuyasha that time had stopped altogether, granting him the luxury and freedom to gaze at the woman before him freely, without reserve.

 

His eyes roamed up and down her body like a man who had been woken from a dream, and indeed the hanyou felt as though he had been in a numb sleep ever since he had leapt away from Kagome that morning on her balcony, refusing to look back, knowing he could not stay away if he saw her standing helplessly by with the wind in her hair, blowing that beautiful blue silk bathrobe about her body as she clutched her new violin protectively against her chest.

 

She had stood by and watched him marry another woman, a fact that brought both admiration and anger to his heart, for while the hanyou understood that she was doing her duty by her sister, a part of him selfishly thought that if she cared for him as much as she claimed, she would not have simply given up without a fight. After all, the Kagome Higurashi he knew was full of fire and passion for what she believed in; enough so that she had summoned the courage to scold the High King on a number of occasions, even after she had learned about exactly who he was and what he had the power to do.

 

So if she had loved him, why hadn't she fought for him a little harder? Why had she simply stood back and allowed her rival's army to march right through her gates and take what was hers?

 

Wait…hers?

 

The hanyou shook his head and looked away for a moment, feeling wounded and hurt, the dream-like state of the atmosphere dissipating slightly as the voice of the priest came slowly back into focus, along with the distinguished presence of Kikyou beside him…Kikyou…his wife.

 

If he was anybody's (which of course he was not), then he was Kikyou's in the eyes of God and of the law…so why did he feel…

 

Without meaning to, Inuyasha felt his eyes drift over to Kagome's still form once more even as he reminded himself of his newly married status, and the moment he caught her deep, warm gaze the hurt vanished once more, and he was unable to continue rationalizing his pain and blaming it on another.

 

She was just so beautiful, and currently looked so helpless as she stood by, waiting for the moment when she would quite literally sign the rest of her life away to another man…a man she did not love. Having heard enough about her dreams and hopes, Inuyasha knew this was not how she had always imagined her life turning out, and he felt his heart go out to her, fighting the urge to take her in his arms and fly out the window, taking her far away from anything painful.

 

Kagome…

 

The hanyou felt his eyes soften just a little more in an uncharacteristic show of emotion, and watched as she met his gaze and reciprocated the gesture by putting her heart in her eyes, overwhelming him with the passionate feelings he saw pooling in those dark depths, forcing him to look away again, towards the floor, though he could still feel her intense gaze on the back of his head.

 

It was strange, yet in that moment when he was so overwhelmed by emotion for the woman standing before him, knowing he was about to lose her, Inuyasha found himself not thinking about Kagome, but rather about a conversation he'd had with his brother many years ago, when they had both still been young princes studying to become great Kings under their father's guidance. They had been discussing battle strategies, and how the best way to win was by discovering the fears of the enemy and playing upon them.

 

The young hanyou had told his brother that couldn't work because not all men had fears, to which Sesshoumaru had snapped back by saying that all men were afraid of something.

 

“Well I'm not afraid of anything.”

 

“Yes you are, Inuyasha…we are all afraid of something. If you really think about it, I know you'll find something that you're afraid of. You would have to be god-like to always be unafraid.”

 

“So even father is afraid of something?”

 

“Yes…even father.”

 

Inuyasha had been stunned to learn that his father, who seemed all-powerful, could possibly be afraid of anything. From his eleven-year old perspective, it didn't seem like the mighty Inutaisho had the need to fear anything since everyone always seemed to be afraid of him instead.

 

“So what is he afraid of?”

 

“I don't know what he's afraid of.”

 

“Is he afraid to die?”

 

Sesshoumaru had seemed very annoyed by that question.

 

“Of course he's not afraid to die. Why would you ask such a question?”

 

“Because…all men seem to be afraid to die. That's why no one wants to go to war. That's what mother told me once, anyway.”

 

“Hn…and you think father is no better than mortal men? You think he's afraid of something stupid and unavoidable like death?”

 

“I don't know.”

 

“Well he isn't.”

 

“Then what is he afraid of?”

 

“You're too young to understand.”

 

“No I'm not!”

 

“So you understand the concept that those who have the most in life also have the most to lose?”

 

“Um…I think so…”

 

“Hn…that's what I thought.”

 

“I'm not stupid, Sesshoumaru!”

 

“I never said you were, Inuyasha. I said you were too young to understand.”

 

“So he's afraid to lose something?”

 

“If you want to put it that blandly, yes, though you won't understand such a complex idea until you're older.”

 

As usual, Sesshoumaru had been right. It was only now, as he sat with his hands clasped before him and his eyes lowered toward the floor as he tried not to look at Kagome Higurashi that Inuyasha finally understood what it meant to be truly afraid.

 

Just as his mother had said so long ago, he knew that if you asked most men what their greatest fear was, they would answer death. It was natural. Of course some would say they feared losing power or control, or their gold, or their riches…but most would answer death, since after all not everyone was rich or powerful, but everyone was mortal. And one thing that mortals seemed to fear more than anything was the unknown, and death was one unknown that no amount of science or faith or religion could completely answer.

 

But Inuyasha was like his father, and like Sesshoumaru; death was not something to be feared, not when you knew your life would be spent watching those around you grow old and die while you lived on through the centuries. It was already beginning to happen for Inuyasha as he watched Miroku age faster than he did. His childhood friend had been no more than three years old when they'd met, while Inuyasha had been eight, yet it hadn't been long before the clergyman's son had surpassed the hanyou in physical age, so that now Miroku looked his twenty-five years whereas Inuyasha still only looked to be about seventeen, when in truth he was almost fifty.

 

For humans it seemed, death was something to be feared because there wasn't ever enough time to live…but for demons, there was too much time.

 

So instead they feared other things; they feared losing the ones they loved, or the power they had gained…and for Inuyasha, it was the fear of losing all the control he had tried to gain for so long that kept him from being able to look Kagome in the eyes at that moment, knowing that if he did his stomach would flip and his heart would shatter into a million pieces.

 

God in heaven, when had his life become someone else's? When had his mind turned against him and his heart been given to another against his will?

 

He had never felt so strongly in his entire life…never. Not even when his mother had died had he felt such a sense of fear at the prospect of the pangs of loss to come.

 

He felt helpless in every way, knowing that if Kagome were to stumble to her knees and pronounce that she would marry none but Inuyasha, he would immediately take her in his arms and promise his life to her even as his life was no longer his to give away. He knew that the only reason he had gone through with the wedding was because she had not intervened, and that Kikyou's very status as a Queen was solely the result of her sister's constancy, and not a result of his undying love or sense of what was morally right.

 

No. For once, Inuyasha had given complete control of his heart and soul to someone else without even realizing what he was doing...and such a thought terrified him. Kagome held the keys to the kingdom in the palm of her hand, and did not even realized the power she had been given.

 

He had never told her that he loved her, nor had she told him her feelings…and that was why he was so afraid. Kagome held his heart in her hands as though it were a precious ball of glass and she an unknowing child who insisted on throwing it into the air and then catching it just before it smashed into the ground.

 

Inuyasha was so afraid that the ball would slip through her fingers, and that he would lose what little humanity he had left in his soul. He'd already lost most of it when his mother died and left him alone to face the cruelty of the world, his father only able to help him in his spare time between monitoring matters of state, and his older brother not caring one whit about his shameful younger half-demon brother.

 

What would happen to him if Kagome were to leave him? What would happen now that he was about to sign his name on a piece of paper that would basically declare her the property of another man…a man who was his rival in every way?

 

He'd felt at peace these past few months simply because she said something, or laughed, or because he caught the scent of roses on the wind. His demonic blood had remained cool so long as she was near, reminding him that there were better things in life than simply the addictive power of the blood-lust that was always lurking in the back of his heart and mind.

 

Without Kagome…what would happen to him? How was he supposed to live now that his heart had decided to make her a part of him without his permission?

 

“Damn it!” He shouted, his breathing going shallow as he slammed his right fist against his knee, relishing in the pain it brought, wanting to feel more of it…anything to keep his mind off of her and the fact that she had unwittingly turned him into a weak, pathetic man.

 

It was only after a few seconds that he realized what it must have looked like for him to suddenly shout an obscenity into nothing but the air, and just as soon as the rage came it left him, leaving behind a trace of pink on his cheeks as Inuyasha glanced about the room, noting the curious stares as Kikyou, Kouga, Kagome, and the priest all gave him an appraising stare as though to determine his level of senility.

 

Grunting, he sat up straighter and ran a hand nervously through his hair. “Sorry…” he mumbled, purposefully looking at Kikyou so he would not be tempted to look at Kagome, who was standing behind her with a worried expression. “I caught a sliver in my finger.”

 

Blinking, Kagome looked away, knowing there was something else wrong since the hanyou never seemed troubled by massive amounts of pain, let alone a simple prick of the finger, but choosing to remain silent anyway as she didn't need to draw attention to either him or her at the moment.

 

“Well let me see it then,” Kikyou finally recovered, holding out her hand to inspect his injured finger.

 

But the hanyou just grunted and crossed his arms. “It's fine, Kikyou…nothing to be concerned about. I was just startled, nothing more.”

 

A knowing smile came to her face as Kikyou nodded her head in an overly dramatic manner before glancing at Kagome with a playful glint in her otherwise stoic eyes. “You men are so stubborn sometimes,” was all she said aloud before returning her attention to the priest. “Shall we continue, Father?”

 

“What?” The priest still seemed distracted, but finally appeared to recover as he coughed. “Oh yes, of course.” Clearing his throat, he stood up straighter. “If everyone is ready, we may proceed.”

 

He glanced around the room, looking at everyone, and Kouga took the opportunity to speak for everyone present. “We're ready, Father. Please continue.” Without thinking, the wolf reached down and took Kagome's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, to which she simply remained still, not trusting her body to respond in any way.

 

“May I have the couple come forward, with the witnesses on either side please?” The priest directed, and everyone shuffled about until finally Kagome and Kouga stood with their hands clasped before the priest, with Kikyou on Kagome's left and Inuyasha on Kouga's right.

 

“Now then,” he continued. “We are here today to officially announce the engagement of this couple in the eyes of God and before witnesses, understanding that once the contract is signed it can only be broken if both parties agree. Is this clear to all present?”

 

“Yes,” they all answered together, though Kagome kept her head lowered, hoping she was merely coming across as a pious young woman who was nervous about taking such a drastic step in a relationship.

 

“Very well,” the priest nodded his head and turned to look at Kouga. “Do you, sir, understand that by agreeing to be the betrothed of this young woman, you are promising to one day be her lawful wedded husband, and to guard her, shelter her, and protect her as though she were already your wife?”

 

“Yes, Father,” Kouga replied with a brilliant smile, glancing over at Kagome, who could only manage a slight crease at the corners of her lips in response.

 

“And do you also understand that while you are taking the first step in binding yourself to this woman, you are still not yet recognized as man and wife in the eyes of God, and that any actions on your part towards her or towards anyone else to the contrary would be a sin?”

 

At that Kagome couldn't help but sputter as though she had a nasty drink in her mouth that she wished to get rid of, and everyone turned to look at her curiously. Blushing furiously, she refused to look anyone directly in the eye, especially the priest, as memories of that night she had spent with Inuyasha came flooding back.

 

God in heaven, in that one night she'd sinned enough for the both of them…

 

“I understand, Father…” Kouga replied, though this time he seemed a little distracted by the woman at his side, who seemed to be having a difficult time breathing.

 

“Then if you understand and agree with all I have said, you may sign here,” the priest unrolled the parchment in his hands and placed it on the simple wooden desk behind him, dipping a quill before handing it to Kouga, indicating the line where he was supposed to sign.

 

The wolf-man seemed to forget his confusion as he happily took the pen in his hand and signed his name on the line indicated, no doubt feeling that he was one step closer to having the woman of his dreams.

 

Kagome watched in deadly silence, resisting the urge to flinch every time the pen made an unnecessary noise across the paper, feeling as though Kouga took a ridiculously long time to sign his name.

 

But finally the task was finished, and the priest took the pen in his hand once more while holding his bible in the other as he turned to face Kagome. “And do you, my lady, understand that by agreeing to be the betrothed of this young man you are promising to one day be his lawful wedded wife, to guard him, shelter him, and protect him as though he were already your husband?”

 

“Yes, Father,” Kagome replied, her mouth feeling suddenly dry as she rushed through the phrase before she lost her courage. She felt Inuyasha flinch slightly where he stood beside Kouga, but ignored it as best she could.

 

“And do you also understand that while you are taking the first step in binding yourself to this man, you are still not yet recognized as man and wife in the eyes of God, and that any actions on your part towards him or towards anyone else to the contrary would be a sin?”

 

Kagome swallowed, knowing exactly what that meant, and had to fight with all her strength to keep her gaze facing forward, rather than drifting to look at Inuyasha, feeling as though she were saying goodbye to him with her next response. “I understand, Father.”

 

The old priest nodded and dipped the quill in the ink once more. “Then you may sign here to show that you understand and agree to what has been said.”

 

Somehow, through some miracle, Kagome kept her hand steady as she reached out for the pen and then signed her name on the line indicated. Somehow her signature managed to look like it always did, with the K larger than all the other letters, the G looping under the second half of her name in an elegant cursive, the H falling far above and below the line of her last name.

 

As she dotted the final I and stepped back she knew there could be no mistaking that it was her signature or her name, and with that thought Kagome Higurashi felt the chains fall into place and lock, leaving her to feel…absolutely nothing.

 

Perhaps she had used up all her emotion, or perhaps this had been the easy part and all of the turmoil had already come and gone; either way, she suddenly felt void of anything. There was no joy, no sadness, no love…and no hope. Her mother's child of light had finally begun to dim and go out, and Kagome doubted she would ever feel quite as alive again. She knew the light would return eventually, but it would never again be as brilliant.

 

Handing the pen back to the priest, he dipped it in ink one more time and extended it to Kikyou. “As witnesses who sign this paper, you both agree to testify that you saw both parties agree to the terms set down by the law and by God.”

 

Kikyou nodded her elegant head before bending over to sign her name beneath Kouga's, her signature sharp and beautiful, not nearly so elegant or loopy as Kagome's, yet still stunning…just like the sisters themselves. “I agree,” she reiterated for the priest before returning the pen once more.

 

And then the priest handed the pen to Inuyasha, and Kagome didn't miss the way the hanyou's hand shook as he reached out and took the quill between his fingers as he bent over and started to sign his name, stopping halfway through as though gathering his wits before finishing and taking a deep breath.

 

Kagome felt her heart flip in her chest, and she found herself wishing more than anything to be able to read the thoughts running through his mind at that moment, so that she could understand why such pain was in his eyes and why he seemed suddenly unable to speak.

 

But finally, after several seconds of silence, Inuyasha raised his head and handed the quill back to the priest. “I…agree…” He ground out between his teeth, and with that it was done, and Kagome belonged to Kouga, lord of the North.