|"Astarte Of Azarath" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ]|
| Title: FFARG review Ch4|
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 17, 2005 14:55 CDT
First, you need to put double spaces in between your paragraphs. Blood doesn't necessarily 'spill' it flows, and drips and runs though. Now though I'm sure I would know who Astarte is, but you should give juuust a bit more information about her. It would be beneficial for anyone reading your fic's chapters after a vacation or something like that so that they don't have to look through the older chapters. ""I told you you're killing yourself."" That sentence is awkward; it should have been "I told you that you were killing yourself." I like the bit inside Raven's mind with her different emotions. (Disease is spelled this way) I like what you've got going with this story. It's nice and you've got good grammar besides little things that a good beta could fix. So I don't have much to critique there that wouldn't be nitpicking. Good work and keep it up, thank you for submitting to the FFARG, ~Sisi.
| Title: Hmmm|
Reviewed By: OzZ Cometh [MediaMiner Member] On: July 07, 2005 02:50 CDT
Style of Writing: 7 of 10Comment/Review:
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10
Well, looks like I've stumbled upon a pretty good read, here. You've given Astarte a pretty unique character, and it did a fair job of keeping me in the fic, but MAN, that whole Raven having an unmentioned sister thing has SO been done. I guess you predicted that, because this Dill-hole that Astarte's evidently shacked up with in the past made me forget all about that. Now, for the technical points. I mainly didn't have any problems, there were few gramatical errors, only a few mispells, which I wrote off as typos (as no one can avoid them) and you have a pretty good vocabulary. HOWEVER, your narration is kind of akward throughout the entire duration of the fic. You do a little thing I call 'time-warping', in which you'll use a past tense word, and then in the same sentence, you use a present-tense word. It's weird, espeically when read aloud. If I were you, I'd just stick with past-tense, it compliments story-telling better. Your sequence of events are 'generally' good, but some of them happen a bit too sudden. I mean, when Raven and Astarte left the cafe, and the building collapsed, there was no real description that led into it, it just BAM, happened. Then there was the scene where Mr. Dillhole dressed up in small girl's clothing decided to poke Cyborg in the stomach...I spent a couple of minutes just gawking at the screen and asking myself, "And her motivation for that was...?" Despite how I made it sound, this fic's pretty damned good, keep it up.
| Title: so goooodd.....|
Reviewed By: Priestess_Of_Dragons [MediaMiner Member] On: July 05, 2005 17:23 CDT
This is so good..how do you think of these things?!?! -_-'' Well...umm...please continue! ^-^